Work Text:
It's so hard being tortured by things that pretend to be others
It's not real
But i cant see them the same anymore
The people it transforms into can be anyone
Anyone
Strangers, my parents, my relatives, my teachers, my classmates, my friends, my favourite actors, singers, idols, models, my parents friends I’m forced to meet, even the random pictures of people I see online, it takes shape of them
It feels so real
I can feel their hands on me, I can see their faces, I can see their actions, it's still not real
Everybody tells me it's not real, it will never be real but can you really see someone do horrendous things and be fine being near them because it “wasn’t real”?
I know i can’t get help, i can’t get help until someone finally understands
Until its “normal”
Until im old enough
I'm always fully awake, it torments me even during my waking hours
It’s in my head is what everyone would tell me, but I don’t want it in my head and they don’t tell me how to take it out
I just want to rip it out of my head, It’s like a parasite taking control of me
Im scared, i never want to see it ever again
I feel it on my arms, i cover my arms
I feel it on my legs, i cover my legs
I feel it on my torso, i cover my torso
I feel it on my head, i cover my head
I feel it in my eyes, i cover my eyes
I know it’s there, it will always be real to me
November 28th, 2025 Is a day I’ll remember
I can’t even listen to their voices without being reminded of IT
It makes me stop listening, stop paying attention
My grades are dropping
But nobody notices my shoulders are also dropping
Nobody notices my eyes are dropping
Its taking me with it
I don’t want to go
I can hear its voice in the back of my head, whose voice will it take today?
My mom? my best friend? My dad? My teacher? My favourite singer? Or maybe the rapper I listened to only once?
I do homework thinking about it
I talk to my friends thinking about it
I zone out while thinking about it
Who’s form is it in today?
This thing has taken hours of sleep from me, keeps me awake at night and wakes me up at 4:41am for the past few nights
I cant even tell you how many sleepless nights ive had, how many times my parents scold me for not sleeping enough
I promise im trying
Its getting worse now, im going to school with only 1 - 2 hours of sleep now
I cant even sleep in peace
I stay up all night because nighttime, when everything is quiet, when im fully alone, the only time i feel at peace is also the times i feel the most restless
This is the time it comes
I always allow it to take up my mind, my thoughts are consumed by it, nothing i do is helping, writing, drawing, speaking, Nothing is helping
November 28th, 2025
It was a normal day, if you ask me
Nothing happened except the fact it clicked in my mind
This is getting too far
I was awake the whole night crying, i felt so ashamed, so guilty like it was my fault that my own brain was being taken over by something else
Like it was my fault i let it
That night it took YK’s form, the same person i looked up to, i loved YK’s voice until IT took it from YK.
YK will never get his voice back when it takes it
I hate it so much
The voice distorts, horrible sounds
The sounds in my ears, the sound vibrates in my head
The sound makes me turn my head in shame
I cant even face them, i cant listen to them, they can't be mentioned in front of me anymore
I start to resent them
The sound gets to me
Its not even a voice anymore, it's just a noise
Everyday of my life
Days, weeks, months, years i cant remember when it started
I just knew i was too young to be facing things like this
2020
My parents tell me i’ll get hearing aids when i get older if i keep using my headphones at full volume
My parents tell me my eyes will get worse if i keep my screen too close to my face
I just don’t want to see it, I don't want to face it again
I remember it being in my room once
Whenever it appears, i never want it to stop
I go to sleep thinking about it
I wake up thinking about it
I cant listen to YK’s voice anymore, the same voice that i listened too for hours
It disgusts me, it angers me, it saddens me, it shames me, It’s all my fault.
The next night i was practicing, this event is so important, i sat down on my kitchen floor crying because of it
It was 4am, i was staring outside, tears falling from my eyes, i cant forget the things that happened the night before
It still haunts me weeks later
It's been 20 days exactly
I fucking hate it.