Chapter Text
Kevin Day knew when he was being spoken about. To be spoken about was unavoidable, he simply had too much on him to not be subject to some kind of chatter. It happened when he moved through a place, it happened when he finished yelling during drills, it happened when someone cussed him out or blew him a kiss. His existence was to be followed and speculated on. It had even happened between Riko and the Master when he was in the same damn room.
It had never bothered him that Andrew and Neil clearly talked about him too. He couldn’t stop it from happening, and it wouldn’t make a difference if he called them out on it. There was a level of trust there, though, that whatever it was they were saying it wouldn’t cross a line he didn’t want crossed. Neil was still too new for Kevin to be certain he’d never pry where Kevin had shut down the barriers, but Andrew had earned that trust tooth and nail. Andrew would not drag Kevin kicking and screaming through the dark depths of his past. Andrew would not turn his life upside down all the while saying ‘you poor thing, oh how you’ve suffered’.
So when he heard them not so subtly having a conversation with his name in it he ignored it. If Nicky or Aaron brought him up he trusted Andrew to handle it. And when Kevin started his coffee sessions with Renee, Andrew hadn’t commented. Renee was the one he liked and accepted. Renee was safe enough for Kevin to connect with.
Kevin grew to like Renee. There was never pity in her gaze. If he pulled down a wall she let it happen. She didn’t try to touch him. She didn’t coddle him. She listened, even when the words coming out of his own mouth had his inner voice screaming that no one cared. She asked questions about him that others didn’t, at least in a way that anyone really gave a damn about the answer. Renee gave a damn about the answer. To her things like what he enjoyed reading, or what he listened to, or whether he liked the sensation of a certain fabric, had merit. Riko’s voice clawed inside his brain the whole while, repeating over and over that nothing Kevin had to say had any value. That his thoughts, and opinions, and likes, and wants, were all inconsequential. All that mattered was Kevin’s talent and abilities in one area: exy. All he ever would be was Riko’s pet, the Master’s exy star, and her son.
Her. The part of his mind he must never touch.
And yet, when sitting across from Renee and her gentle smile, he could break little pieces out. Good pieces. Pieces like halloween and birthdays. Only Jean had ever asked about her before. And Kevin had tried to snap up pieces then, too. Kevin didn’t know if Andrew didn’t care or knew that Kevin didn’t want to go there.
He liked Renee. It’s why when everything came crashing in on him it hurt so badly.
Wymack stopped by their room on Wednesday morning. Kevin had only been awake for about twenty minutes, and he looked up with a scowl when his dad coach entered the room. Andrew slid him a second cup of coffee and eyed Wymack’s approach. Neil closed the door behind him and leaned against the closest wall.
“Kevin’s not awake enough yet for whatever exy powwow this will be,” Nicky piped up from further in the kitchen.
“This isn’t about exy,” Wymack crossed his arms, eyes still glued to Kevin. Kevin could feel the tension in the room shift. Andrew had tensed beside him, Neil had seen Andrew tense, and maybe also Kevin’s jaw clench, and now prepared himself. Nicky was oblivious to the change. “Can we talk in your room?”
“No,” Kevin’s voice sounded breezy, even though he was anything but. One hand wrapped around the mug of coffee and he sipped it leisurely.
“No?”
“No.”
Wymack drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I need to talk to you.”
“Do it here. Whatever it is can be said in front of them.”
Wymack came over to stand next to Kevin. Unlike Neil, Kevin had never had a problem with Wymack’s age or height. An older man looming over him was easy to ignore. He couldn’t tell if it was just one of the many things his own mind and body had learned how to ignore or filter out, detached as he had become to so many things, or if it simply didn’t scare him after all he had been through.
“Kevin, you’re not coping.”
Kevin refused to look at him. “Coping isn’t a word I believe in. It’s a word people use to obscure strengths and weaknesses.”
Wymack let out a noise of frustration that Kevin knew well.
“I keep getting your teammates coming to me with concerns. They’re worried about you.”
“Then tell them to keep their worries to themselves and their heads out of my business.”
Wymack slammed a hand down where Kevin could see it. “Kevin, you can’t keep this up.”
Kevin pushed away from the bench and tried to walk away.
“Kevin, I never bring things up. I keep our deal about the drinking. I don’t ask questions. I don’t get involved.”
“Then why are you here now?”
“Because I’m not just your coach.”
Kevin could feel the jerk at that, unbidden and a betrayal by his own body. Andrew was still tensed and watching him.
“There’s nothing wrong with me.”
He was making for his bedroom door but Wymack got in front of it. Andrew left his spot in the kitchen to stand in front of Kevin.
“Kevin, you haven’t said anything about the Ravens deaths.”
“Because they don’t matter. I was never close to them, never. I hope each and every one of them die in agony.”
Wymack levelled him with a gaze so piercing Kevin couldn’t breathe.
“You truly want that?”
It must be nice to be the pampered dog underfoot.
His own mother killed herself to get away from him.
Does Riko kiss you goodnight too? Or is it just that freaky on the court?
I can let you watch me fuck Jean next time, front row seats.
“Yes, I want that. I want them to all be buried alive. I was never one of them. I never could be. They don’t matter to me at all.”
“And the Nest dying?”
“It was inevitable.”
“And your drinking?”
“Under control.”
Wymack was getting more and more frustrated. Andrew’s hands were twitching at his sides.
“And the panic attacks in the showers? The throwing up after meals? Stop thinking of yourself as a goddamn burden and be real with me.”
Kevin’s eyes narrowed. Heat and ache and fear all warred inside of him.
“What, are you following my every move? Are you forcing every one on the team to be your eyes and ears too? I am what they made me. I won’t apologise for it. I had no say in it and you do not get to be disappointed in it when you were not there to make me the son you wanted.”
Wymack looked as though he had been struck. Deep, deep, somewhere inside of him Kevin felt the guilt of it. There was no real space for it now, though. Not when the feeling of violation was starting to settle in. He didn’t want to be perceived. He didn’t want people seeing the cracks that were left in him he could not seem to hide. It was hard to keep a lid on the rest anyway, but the parts that showed were always on his mind.
“Coach,” it was Neil’s voice. A voice that sounded distant and far away even though he was mere steps from Kevin. “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
“Kevin, I want to send you somewhere. Just until classes start. You can take a few weeks to work on some of this with professionals. I can get Dobson on board so she can visit you there as well.”
A siren blearing in his head, hair on end. Therapists. So many therapists, and a locked room, and no control and everything said is unsafe and- He needed a stick. He needed a ball. He needed the court.
Right under over maneuver. Shift your body to the right while ducking, and use the momentum to get around your opponent and drive them down.
Breathe.
Split second pass. Keep tabs on the position of all teammates. Pop your arm and with a flick send it in the direction of one of them.
Andrew’s nails were in his wrist and Andrew was talking. Neil was somewhere in the mix. Wymack was trying to calm the situation, judging by the tone. Kevin was struggling to lock into the present and his surroundings. He wanted to be present. He wanted to say something. But his mind kept pushing it away, kept trying to float like it used to whenever he was given something he didn’t want to be present for. This time, though, he had a choice. Surely he had a choice? Wymack wouldn’t just send him there kicking and screaming.
But they sent Andrew, no matter what I said. They sent him. And he was hurt. And no one listened to me.
“If you send me away,” his voice, somehow he got it to work. “Then when they let me out I will transfer, and you will never see me again.”
Silence. Kevin couldn’t look at Wymack. He didn’t want to see concern, or disappointment, or shock, or pity. Whatever issues Wymack had wasn’t his problem, and he was determined to maintain that thought no matter what his own twisted up feelings for Wymack were.
“I don’t want to stand by and watch you suffer,” Wymack finally said. “Or worse.”
“No one said you had to watch,” Kevin muttered. His fingers smooth over the skin of Andrew’s palm. Real. Andrew was real. Neil’s weight is at his side. Real. “I don’t care what you’ve heard or where you’ve heard it. I don’t care who is talking about me. All you need to know is that I am here, I am playing, and I am functioning. Everything else is unnecessary details.”
Wymack looked as if he something else he wanted to say, then decided it was useless. As he turned towards the door, Andrew spoke.
“Kevin will never be going to one of those places. So get that idea out of your head, and anyone else’s. If he needs help we’ll handle it here.”
Wymack didn’t respond, he just left.
Kevin felt the room’s attention on him. Nicky had been quiet the whole time, now he came over and rested a hand on Kevin’s shoulder. Kevin immediately threw it off him.
On your knees for your King.
“I’ve got things to do,” he stated over the top of Neil and Nicky both trying to speak. “Go and be useful somewhere.”
He went to the bathroom, unaware that Andrew was following him. Andrew’s foot caught in the door before it could shut. Kevin could read most of Andrew’s expressions by now, even with the minute differences. He cursed but allowed Andrew in. Kevin slid down the wall and rested his head against cool tile. Andrew sat opposite him.
They didn’t need to talk. That wasn’t what this was. Kevin didn’t know how long they stayed like that, sitting on the bathroom floor, not talking. Not even really moving. He was the first to change things.
“I don’t want to see Renee anymore.”
“Okay.” Andrew didn’t push or try to change his mind.
“I’m not going to stop drinking.”
“I didn’t tell you to.”
Kevin’s eyes drifted to the shower. Andrew knocked Kevin’s foot with his own.
“I can manage it. I have been.”
“For someone on our team to notice then it’s gotten worse, not better.”
Kevin racked his brain for when he’d slipped up. He couldn’t come up with answer, not until he considered the rest of the summer vacation.
“Abby.”
“Doesn’t matter who,” Andrew said.
Kevin considered that. It really didn’t matter who had put the pieces together about this in particular. Still, what was he meant to actually do about it?
“What does anyone even want from that?”
“Don’t be stupid, it’s not a good look on you.”
Kevin threw Andrew a dirty look. He knew it would slide off the blonde like water off a duck’s back but he still needed to do it.
Andrew tilted his head. Kevin let himself be studied.
“What if Neil or I stood near you while you did it?”
Kevin didn’t care if either one of them saw him naked, they had before and would again. This wasn’t a boundary to him, and Andrew knew that. It clearly wasn’t a boundary to Andrew, and he trusted Andrew to know if Neil would object to the concept.
The thing was having one or both accompany him to every shower was such a burden Kevin couldn’t stand it.
Andrew caught his wrist as Kevin’s thoughts started to veer. “You’re with us most of the time anyway, and we can just hop in after you. You’re the one making this an issue.”
Kevin gave the slightest nod of his head, and Andrew was satisfied. He got to his feet.
“C’mon, I’m not trusting Neil with our breakfast.”