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Rain pattered heavily against the windows, and the wind raged outside, pulling and pushing at everything in its path. I stood before the window, one of the hotel's blankets wrapped around me, with my shoulders still exposed, causing a slight shiver to pass through me every now and then, but I barely noticed it as my thoughts captured and held all of my attention. Twilight was falling, or it would have been if not for the storm, the lights in my room were all off, and so the room was bathed in a greyish light that had a depressing tone attached to it, or maybe it was only my thoughts that saw it as being depressive…
In my mind's eye, I was back there… the moment where it seemed like I was on the precipice of all I had never known I'd always wanted, Clark's eyes had been intently focused on mine, something in them I'd seen numerous times before but had never allowed myself to truly acknowledge. And I think perhaps, this time, he had been ready for me to see those emotions. At least, he had been, before the moment had been ruined with an exclamation and a late party guest making her arrival. In that moment, that one moment that could have meant so much, I had seen my heart fall, and instead of falling into Clark's waiting hands, it fell and shattered, the pieces visible only in my mind.
He hadn't taken his eyes off of her, as if he was incapable of seeing anyone else but her when she was in the room, of course, I thought bitterly, it had always been that way, and clearly it would continue to be so. It was months later and yet this one scene consistently and rudely pushed itself to the forefront of my mind along with the other dreams I had been having. My mind felt like a jumbled mess, and yet all of it held a single element: Clark Kent.
Frustrated at the truth of this, my hands balled, and an angry tear slipped down my cheek. Angrily, I wiped it away and tried to once again make peace with our current situation.
We were friends. And that's all we'd ever be. I refused to be anyone's second choice, least of all the second choice to Lana Lang. Clark and I were on assignment in Star City researching a string of murders that all seemed to be connected. He was in the room right next door, I sighed as I tore my gaze from the storm before me to look at the wall that we shared. Things had been awkward between the two of us, to say the least, since I'd come back after looking over Jimmy, and then my three-week memory loss had also seemed to add a kink into our relationship, and I honestly had no idea where to go from here. I wanted him in my life more than anything, but sometimes I wondered if I wanted him in my life like this, where each interaction held a hint of pain, lacerating my heart a little more each time.
Sighing, I turned back to watch the storm, wondering if the one outside was worse than the one raging within me.
A knock on the door startled me from my inner musings; it could only be one person. Not quite in the mood to come face to face with the man constantly on my mind, I pretended I wasn't here.
That didn’t last too long because he knocked again and continued to knock until I huffed in annoyance and made my way to the door.
Angrily, I pulled the door open, a snippy remark on the tip of my tongue when I dimly realized Clark was soaked to the bone, as if he'd been standing outside in the storm for a while.
His actions were so fast, before I could make my witty remark, his hands were on my face, cupping my cheeks as he stepped right up into my personal space and kissed me. Clark Kent. Kissed. Me. He is kissing me, and I'm kissing him back. It's impossible not to, his lips are soft and yet demanding, eager yet sensual at the same time. All thought leaves my mind as my hands drop the blanket to wrap around his neck, pulling both of us closer to each other. His hands leave my face so that his arms can wrap around my body, pulling me flushed against him. On instinct, I wrap my legs around his waist, and he carries my weight effortlessly. Our kisses slow down, becoming less frenzied and more exploratory.
He pulls back slightly, our lips only barely connected, with our foreheads leaning against the others. He kisses me softly yet again, and my eyes slowly peel open; his are still closed, and I'm about to close mine when a thought rudely interrupts this moment, and I'm brought back to reality like a cold splash of water. I pull back completely, his eyes pop open in question.
"Put me down Clark." I say softly, afraid that if I raise my voice, I might just break down and start crying and perhaps never stop.
"Lois…" I place my hands on his shoulders and push.
"I said put me down, Clark!" My voice rises in pitch as I start to panic. If he doesn't put me down, I'll crumble, I'll become pathetic, and take whatever scraps of himself he's willing to give me.
He slowly loosens his arms from around me, and I hurriedly step onto the floor and take a couple of steps away from him until there's enough space between the two of us that I feel like I can take a deep breath without his scent assaulting me.
"You don't get to do this!" I yell at him, wishing more than anything that I could hurt him as much as he's hurt me, and yet I know that I can't because I still love him and hurting him would indirectly hurt me too.
He looks at me with a confused look on his face.
"Lois, what're you-"
"No! Just no! I won't let you come in here and kiss me and speak sweet nothings, telling me the things I want to hear when you don't mean them. No!" my voice ends on a screech as I feel myself nearing hysteria.
He takes a step closer, and I hold up a hand as I feel the tears start to fall.
"No, Clark. I won't allow you to hurt me again…" his face at that looks like I've just kicked him. But why should he look like that when I'm the one in pieces?
"Lois, I know I hurt you." he stops and takes a deep breath, pushing a frustrated hand through his wet hair, causing it to stand up in multiple directions.
"I don't think I'll ever know just how badly I hurt you, but I never meant to, and I know that doesn't take the pain away, but I would never intentionally hurt you, Lois. I swear it." his eyes are steady as they look into mine. I look away, tears continuing to stream down my face.
"Clark, you won't ever be able to give me what I need," from the corner of my eye I see him flinch but force myself not to react, "you will always love Lana more than any girl that follows after her and I can't…" my voice cracks and I clear it forcing myself to go on, "I can't be a second choice." I give a helpless shrug as my arms come up around my waist as if they're trying to keep me from falling apart.
The room is deathly quiet, neither one of us moving or saying anything. The only sound that can be heard is the harsh splatter of rain against the windows.
I take a deep, shuddering breath, glad that the tears stopped for the moment. I cleared my throat and forced myself to turn to face him, keeping my eyes on a space past his shoulder.
"I uh, I think you should go." My voice is soft, but leaves absolutely no room for argument or disobedience. He doesn’t move a muscle, I wait a few extra seconds for the good boy scout that he is to do as told, but when he does nothing. I force a shrug and make a move to pass him to grab the blanket I had dropped. I give him a wide berth as I move past him to the heap lying on the floor.
Just as I pass him, he grabs me around my bicep and swings me around so that I'm facing him and in his personal space. His other hand rises to mimic the actions of the other hand.
"No Lois, now you listen to me, I won't allow you to hide yourself behind those walls you erect around your heart, I know that you are afraid," I'm about to object but he goes on as if not seeing my open mouth, "you are afraid of being vulnerable and afraid that I will leave you but Lois I am incapable of ever separating myself from you, of ever leaving you alone because… because I love you and I know that without you I am nothing."
The two of us breathe heavily, I allow the words to sink into my mind and heart, and he waits in fearful anticipation of my answer.
I feel the walls around my heart tremble, his words having their desired effect. But I still don't know if I can trust him with my heart. The thought of giving all to this man and then being rejected would put me in an even worse agony than what I was experiencing now. But if I never took this risk, if I allowed myself to hide behind my self-built fortress, I might just miss out on the greatest opportunity of my life…
Words of the general floated through my mind, JUST BECAUSE A SOLDIER IS AFRAID DOESN'T MEAN HE SHOULDN'T JOIN THE BATTLE. As those words settled firmly into my mind, I had decided on my course of action. I squared my shoulders and looked directly into Clark's piercing blue eyes that were filled with hints of fear and uncertainty. These emotions maybe more than if I'd seen others pushed me over the edge of my fear and caused me to stand up on my tiptoes and place my lips softly against his.
"Don't break my heart again, Clark." I whisper against his lips, pulling back slightly. My voice trembling.
His arms tighten in response and he leans his forehead softly against mine.
"Never again, Lois." He promises, and as he kisses me again, all I can think is, I hope not.