Chapter Text
First days are always the hardest, they say. And while Jeng agrees to that statement - he remembers some first days in his life to have been a true struggle - this day today in particular seems to be a challenge on its own.
With his embarrassingly old lunchbox on the passenger seat and freshly brewed coffee in a thermos inside the cup holder he’s currently trying to make it through the hectic morning traffic. Trying being the keyword here. In the past years Jeng had the luxury of rolling out of bed an hour before having to walk mere minutes to his dental clinic. It didn’t matter if he showed up a few minutes too late when it had been one of those days where he was in need of a second cup of coffee, he was his own boss after all. He always made sure not to schedule appointments within the first hour of the day to give himself a proper amount of time to wake up, because - again - he was his own boss.
But that was back then. Today is the first day in his new normal. A normal that includes an insane amount of traffic that Jeng didn’t calculate into his morning routine. Running late on his first day at a new job definitely makes the right impression.
Thankfully he’s somehow able to navigate his worn down car through the jam and make it to the hospital with five minutes to spare. One of those minutes he has to use to sprint back to his car and retrieve his new employee ID. It still sparkles brand new in the morning sun. Something about it feels wrong to Jeng, even if the picture of himself is as recent as it can get. Dr. Jeng, Dentistry it says. He will have to get used to clipping it onto the pocket of the white coat that he’s about to pick up from the hospital’s laundry. Gone are the days of scrubs with his name and title embroidered in lilac or pink as well as the colorful face masks and hair covers with tons of different motives he loved to match and always brought out wide smiles from his younger patients. It’s all stark white and the standard hospital pale blue from now on.
Jeng’s being welcomed by the head secretary of the hospital with a warm handshake and a bright smile, so not everything is all that bad. He just has to finally recognize that this is a good change in his life. It might not be the way he imagined things to be, but this is a great opportunity to find a new direction, a new path. He can call himself lucky that he was able to live his dream for a handful of years: having run his own dental clinic and having helped so many people is not something all dentists can call themselves proud of. So Jeng keeps the thankful patients and the happy times in his mind while he sets up his brand new office and runs through today’s pretty tame schedule.
“Dr. Jeng,” a friendly and sweet voice belonging to one of the junior dentists makes him look up from the laptop and the software he’s currently trying to get familiar with. Jeng ignores the ache in his neck and smiles at her. “Hi!” She smiles back at him. “I was wondering if you’d like to spend the lunch break with all of us to, you know, be welcomed into the department?”
Jeng’s heart drops into his stomach as he does a double take at the clock. He’s been so focused on setting things up that he completely lost track of time already. Thankfully he doesn’t have any patients scheduled until noon. He gives the young dentist an affirming nod. “Yada it was, right?"
She beams at him and nods as well, a few strands of her brunette hair falling out of the clawclip that’s holding it together messily. “Yes! You remember correctly.”
“I actually brought my own food out of pure habit. I wasn’t sure if I could trust the cafeteria here already.”
“That’s actually a good call, some of us brought their own lunch as well. On Mondays the menu is quite boring. The head chef isn’t there which you can tell by the look of the food,” Yada explains. “So we will see you there in ten minutes? Everybody, especially us juniors, is excited to finally get to know you.”
Jeng feels warmth spread inside his chest. “You’re too kind. I’ll be right there!”
The warm, happy feeling stays while he spends the next few minutes syncing his calendar app to his smart watch so he will be alerted on time for his appointments and won't lose track of time anymore.
It seems that Jeng has overcome most hurdles of the first day and he feels himself relaxing as he spends the break eating and chatting with his new colleagues. The majority of them are dentists in training, covering the morning shift. The rest of the department will show up later in the day. Jeng will have to get to know them once he also starts covering other worktimes than just the mornings. Once the chatter around him drifts into more gossipy topics about people he doesn’t know yet, he mentally shuts his ears and instead gets out his phone. There are a handful of notifications waiting for him: one voicemail from his mother, a few cheerful messages from his younger brother Jay and the matching emoji combos sent by his boyfriend Saint in their family group chat. There’s also his best friend May who sent him a simple heart and then lastly Alan with a lengthy, reassuring message for his first day at the new job. Receiving so much support from the people he holds closest to his heart, he feels encouraged and less alone than this morning, all by himself in his new apartment, getting ready to start this second life.
It hasn’t been easy at all to admit defeat and call it quits with his own dental clinic. Alan and May have been there for him, supporting him through it all: the process of closing it down and instead finding a position at this hospital. He’s extremely thankful for their help that he doesn’t take for granted at all. Alan, as a financial adviser, saved him from going bankrupt and gave him the advice to take the well-paying job at the hospital in the big city to pay off all the debt at a much quicker rate. The two of them dated for just three short weeks a few years ago until they decided they are much better off as friends. May, his best friend since his intern days and an accomplished attorney, made sure that closing down the clinic would cause Jeng no legal problems. She has a lot of experience and connections so Jeng feels like he’s in safe hands with the two of them and their support.
He simply sends each of them, both family and friends, a short reply and a promise to get in touch after work. For now Jeng needs to actually focus on handling the first patients. After thanking Yada for the invitation and the other coworkers for their time and company he heads towards the elevator, his lunchbox swinging from his hand.
Jeng feels like humming to an unknown happy melody since he’s so filled with positivity after the break. All the worries surely won’t disappear within a day and all the disappointment Jeng feels within himself about letting it come to this will probably accompany him for a long, long time, but he latches onto the good things that are happening right now. It can always be worse, that’s a thing he likes to remind himself of during difficult times.
However, that sentiment seems to test him the moment the elevator doors open up. Jeng almost trips over his own feet at the sight of the person inside.
“Karn?!”
Jeng’s voice is barely a whisper while the tall, dark-haired man with glasses in front of him isn’t moving a single muscle. He only raises an eyebrow at Jeng. While his heart comes to an abrupt stop, Jeng’s feet somehow still maneuver him inside the elevator. A lump the size of a planet clogs up his throat as he dumbfoundedly stares up at the man Jeng once considered to be his other half, possibly the love of his life. All while the same man before him can’t even muster up the decency to greet Jeng properly now.
Instead Karn pushes his black-rimmed glasses up his nose and states in a voice still so familiar to Jeng: “So, you’re the new dentist that everyone’s been making a fuss about.”
Jeng blinks at him. He clutches his outdated lunchbox to his chest, almost like a lifebuoy. Jeng nods shortly, still unable to speak. And it seems like that’s enough words exchanged seeing that Karn folds his arms in front of his chest, the fabric of his white coat stretching over his biceps.
No matter how many times Jeng tried to undo all memories of him, standing before Karn now so unexpected he can’t help registering all the visible differences that have developed over the time apart. Karn’s bigger frame, wider shoulders, the upright posture with his chin held up high in confidence. Even without the white coat or the ID pinned to the pocket of his coat it would be easy to spot that he’s an experienced and mature doctor. Jeng can’t stop himself from reading the title declared on his ID: Dr. Karn. Gastroenterology.
All those years back the two of them had nothing to their name, no white coats, no titles. Just two young men with the shared dream of becoming doctors. Gone is the innocent softness of Karn’s face that Jeng’s reminded of right now. Or the wide, honest eyes whenever he was supposed to present in front of the whole auditorium and Jeng was sitting there with a pumping heart and fists curled in both encouragement and nervosity, silently cheering him on from his seat. Karn’s hair is longer now, framing his angular face and accentuating his sharper jawline. The glasses and the white collared shirt amplify the rather stern and proper look of a doctor with years of experience in his field.
With Karn so close to him now, Jeng’s brain malfunctions and he can’t even tell how long it’s been since their first year. Since that time the two of them latched onto each other and became each other’s support system while they were both trying to survive the gruesome selection process that came with studying medicine. What came unexpected were the deep feelings that developed over that challenging time.
Jeng yelps in surprise when something cold and hard hits him from behind and makes him stumble into Karn once more. Karn who doesn’t even unlock his arms and instead takes half a step back until he’s all pressed up against the back wall of the elevator. When Jeng turns around he sees that it’s a nurse pushing an empty hospital bed inside.
“Oh, I’m sorry! Did I hit you?” he asks when he notices the two doctors he has essentially sandwiched in the back.
“No, all good. I need to get off here anyway,” Jeng babbles. Without throwing a second glance at Karn, he squeezes himself through the narrow gap there still is and exits the elevator.
For a minute Jeng stands there in the hallway of another, unknown ward and tries to regain some composure. He would be lying if he claims not to think about Karn every now and then. Karn is just that one crucial part of his journey that Jeng can’t and also doesn’t want to erase if he’s being honest with himself - no matter how hurtful it is.
Before he has any chance to let his thoughts go down memory lane and let him wallow in a heartbreak that took Jeng a long time to get over, his newly set up watch reminds him of his first appointment that he really can’t be late for.
When Karn works at the gastroenterology then there’s little to no chance that they will ever have to work together, right? Jeng will just have to make sure to use the elevators in the other wing of the hospital to avoid running into him. Maybe it’s immature of him to plan dodging Karn like this, but Jeng really doesn't feel like opening up old wounds when his head is supposed to focus on getting his life back on track. A life that doesn’t include Karn.
The universe has other plans for him though and continues to throw rocks in Jeng’s way for the entirety of the workweek. He bumps into Karn at lunch the next day once more - literally. Jeng lines up his tray in front of the counter not really looking at the person in front. When he impatiently pushes the other tray with his own it’s no one else but Karn who turns around. Just like the day before he seems unfazed by Jeng’s presence and doesn’t even bother saying hello. So when the following day Jeng avoids the short route back to his office and instead opts for the elevators at the other hospital wing, he also doesn’t bother greeting Karn anymore when he - of course - occupies the elevator there as well.
By the end of the week there’s not been a single day where Jeng hasn’t run into him and it’s more than obvious that even while Karn looks like he couldn’t care less about Jeng’s existence he’s also trying to avoid Jeng just the same.
“Don’t you at least want to talk to him? I mean, he’s your colleague now,” May says during a video call while she’s getting ready for a date night with her wife, sitting in front of her vanity.
Jeng lets out a frustrated sigh while he watches her contemplating what color lipstick she’s going to use. “What’s there to talk about when he can’t even open up his mouth to say hello to me? Isn’t it basic decency that your parents teach you?!”
“Jeng, you know his parents and especially his father. You told me he pretended you were thin air on the rare occasions Karn let you meet him. So how are you expecting the son of that kind of father to be any different?”
Jeng shoves a spoonful of already cold noodles inside his mouth to keep himself from saying the obvious. Because he knows Karn was different back then. He didn’t treat Jeng like thin air, no. It was the complete opposite. There were times when the two of them shared the same space, same bed, same air. So close to each other that their hearts could have become one. Jeng had never expected to feel so intensely about someone as he did back then, especially with the burden of the first year heavy on their shoulders. He had really loved Karn and he never found that kind of love ever again with somebody else: not with Alan and not with the other two attempts of trying to put himself out there. Jeng believes that what he had with Karn can’t be found again. It was one of a kind. A love that can’t be replicated.
“Then why are you suggesting that I should go up to him and have a friendly chat? If he’s like his father now then that’s it. I don’t need to go through the same heartbreak a second time.”
May puts down her makeup brushes and fixes her gaze on him with her eyebrows pulled together. “First and foremost: I want you to feel comfortable with your new job and getting along with your coworkers is essential for that.”
Before Jeng has the chance to interject and clarify that Karn really isn’t his coworker in that sense, she’s already continuing.
“Second: You deserve proper closure after all those years. The two of you never had a breakup talk and you still don’t even know why Karn became so absent and cold towards you. If you keep on bumping into him like this it will only open these old wounds and make you wonder again.”
“What’s there to wonder about,” Jeng says and puts his food down on the small desk that’s occupied with a ton of paperwork and his tablet that’s in desperate need of charging. He leans back into one of the dinner table chairs he’s sitting on. He didn’t have the chance yet to buy a proper office chair. “He didn’t feel the same way about me or at least his priorities were different: he chose his career. And I still can’t blame him for it because he was clear about it from the very beginning when we met on the first day of medical school.”
“And you talked about this with him, right? And didn’t simply assume things because it’s easier than having an uncomfortable conversation?”
Jeng rolls his eyes.
“If only I were around back then I could have saved the two of you a lot of suffering by locking you up in a room and making you talk things out.” May lets out a deep sigh and then picks up her tools once more. “I don’t want to force you into anything though. If you’re sure you can handle seeing him every now and then, you can keep this game of playing hide and seek going.”
“A dentist and a gastroenterologist working together is pretty rare. Besides, I’m not the only expert around. So: yes, I am sure. It’s not like I broke out into tears seeing him and he also showed basically no reaction whatsoever. I think it will be fine. What’s the point in digging up things where grass has grown over a long time ago?”
Two more weeks of work pass by Jeng with a heap of stress and exhaustion by the end of the day. He integrates himself into the team quickly and whenever someone is in need of help or advice he’s willing to jump in whenever he can. He switches between working for the outpatient clinic on some days, mostly checkups of people who have undergone cosmetic dental surgeries or urgent cases of people with various kinds of toothache, and also visiting patients in the different wards that are unable to leave their beds.
One those days it’s inevitable that he catches glimpses of Karn. Jeng quickly pulls back his shoulders and stares straight ahead whenever it happens, treating Karn to the same cold shoulder in return. So far Jeng has kept his thoughts under control, the flashbacks of their times together kept in a locked box inside of his mind that he’d rather not open up.
That changes on the last day of the week just when Jeng finishes up the last appointment. He wants to use the next hour before clocking off to get all the paperwork done that accumulated over the day. His secretary has already gone home a few hours earlier due to a family emergency so it’s only him against the clock now, he really doesn’t want to carry all these reports into the next week.
His phone rings and vibrates on the desk next to his keyboard and interrupts Jeng who’s been typing furiously for the past twenty minutes. With furrowed eyebrows he looks at the display: the secretary’s office of internal medicine?
“Yes? It’s Dr. Jeng here.”
“Hello doctor, I’m calling on behalf of Dr. Pong and Dr. Karn. There’s a patient who’s been transferred to the clinic this morning and we need to consult your expertise. Can you spare a bit of time this afternoon?”
Jeng stares blankly at the document on his screen before him. “I’m heading home in about an hour. Is nobody else in the dentistry around?”
“I’m sorry to bother you, but Dr.Karn asked me to call you. It won’t take longer than ten minutes,” the secretary explains in a friendly tone. “Can you please head on over to his office for a more detailed explanation? He didn’t give me much more information except for calling you specifically.”
“Uhm, alright. I’ll be there in a bit,” Jeng tells her and hangs up. He once more gapes at the screen of his phone while trying to make sense of the situation. Karn? Asking for him? When he’s been ignoring Jeng’s existence like he’s nothing but a ghost of his past?! But Jeng can’t ignore that it’s a patient who’s in need of help, so he clips his phone to his belt, takes his white coat from the office chair and heads out.
The milky glass door to Karn’s office is closed so Jeng takes a second to prepare himself: he takes one, two deep breaths, plasters a neutral and friendly smile on his face and pulls back his shoulders. He knocks only once then enters.
“Ah, Dr. Jeng,” he’s immediately greeted by a young man in blue scrubs who’s standing in the middle of the vast room, his expression warm and inviting. “I’m Dr. Pong, it’s great to finally meet you.”
“Likewise,” Jeng greets him back while still not fully grasping what’s going on. Once Pong takes a small step back Jeng’s eyes fall on Karn sitting behind the meticulously organized desk. Unlike Pong he’s dressed in a light grey suit, his coat thrown over the back of his office chair. There’s a large bookshelf behind him filled with various volumes, but little to no knickknacks or pictures or anything that indicates Karn has a life outside of his job.
Karn unclasps his hands and gestures for Jeng to sit down at the sofa that’s in front of the desk. Pong follows right away while Karn remains at his place at the desk, legs crossed, the distance kept between them.
“A patient has been transferred from a rehab program this morning. Female. Seventeen years old,” Karn rattles off the details without even looking away from his computer screen. “Diagnosed with bulimia and general anxiety. The colleagues at the clinic need our expertise because she’s only getting worse despite sticking to the recovery plans. Emesis that’s not self-induced, pyrexia, hypothermia, the blood results of the liver and kidneys don’t look very promising.”
Jeng listens carefully, but he can’t help his fingers picking at the fabric of his pants. He’d rather have a physical copy of the patient chart inside his hands right now instead of staring right ahead at Karn and listening to him talk like this young girl is nothing but a few bulletpoints. It makes something unsettling weigh down Jeng’s stomach, almost like a stone dropping into it.
“I need you to examine her teeth properly. They don’t have dentistry experts at the rehab clinic and there's no report at hand. I want to be sure that the decay of the teeth are a result of the bulimia and not another symptom I need to take into account.”
A huff almost escapes Jeng’s lips, but he’s able to hold himself back and keep his composure. Karn hasn’t been able to say a simple hello to Jeng in those few weeks, but now he’s good enough for a consultation? Suddenly a surge of long forgotten bitterness resurfaces. For a moment Jeng entertains the idea of asking Karn straight to his face why he asked for Jeng specifically when years ago Karn didn’t bother defending him in front of his own friends who constantly looked down on Jeng’s decision. They went as far as saying he wasn’t worthy of calling himself a student of medicine seeing that the faculty he opted for isn’t as difficult as the other schools of human medicine.
“Okay,” Jeng replies after he swallows down the unwanted memories. “Where is the room?”
Pong, who's been sitting silently at the opposite end of the sofa so far, places a warm hand on Jeng’s shoulder. “I’ll lead the way. Please follow me.”
Jeng doesn’t look back at Karn but he can hear him and his footsteps following as Pong shows him to the patient’s room. The poor girl seems to not have been informed of doctors barging in so late in the afternoon. She startles awake from a light sleep, blinking up at Jeng with glassy, fearful eyes. While Karn and Pong wait outside the room, watching through the glass wall, Jeng explains to the patient why he’s here, who he is and what he’s going to take a look at - all with his soft and gentle voice that always worked with even the most anxious patients.
Obviously she’s hesitant, her sunken-in eyes filled with a history of sadness and misery from what she’s been through that makes Jeng be even more gentle with her. He’s always been someone that can’t fully detach himself from sympathizing with his patients, which is why his clinic ended up in shambles. In the countryside most people don’t have the right insurance to cover all dental work expenses. Jeng didn’t have the heart to let things get worse for his patients so he did a lot of procedures that weren't covered and he was the one paying out of his own pocket for it. It worked for several years, until one day he ran out of money.
Jeng keeps the examination short for now because the girl really seems too shaken up to answer a range of questions truthfully.
“So, what do you think?” Karn says once he’s done. He still keeps the same defensive pose, arms crossed and eyebrows pulled together in a frown.
Without asking, Jeng pulls the tablet out of Karn’s arms and opens up the patient’s file. After roughly skimming through it, he shakes his head. “The etched enamel is definitely advanced from what I could see just now. Could be due to throwing up repeatedly, but I will have to do a proper examination and a radiograph to check for other symptoms. I can’t give you much on the spot right now.”
Karn purses his lips into a frown while Pong hums in understanding.
“Are you in tomorrow morning? We want to have all the tests done as quickly as possible. There might be a risk of total organ failure, seeing that the blood results for both liver and kidney are really worrying,” Pong says. “If no recovery method is going to work we will have to put her on the waiting list for organ donation sooner than later preferably.”
Before Jeng has the chance to explain that no, he’s actually not here tomorrow because he’s been invited by Alan and his boyfriend for brunch, Karn cuts into Pong’s request.
“I think we need to rule out different diseases first and need to consult her therapist on her recovery process. There’s no point in putting her on the waiting list if she’s going to destroy her own body again.”
These words out of Karn’s own mouth make Jeng take in a sharp breath. Even Pong takes a second, almost concerned look at his colleague. “What are you even saying right now?”
“I’m stating the facts: the waitlist is endlessly long and the chances are low with an underlying condition like this. I have at least ten people on ward right now waiting for a donor.”
“But that’s like the last option, right?” Jeng interjects Karn’s blunt way of delivering facts. “I’ll come in tomorrow as early as I can and run the tests for you. That way you can find the appropriate diagnosis and treatment plan for the patient.”
When Karn shoots Jeng an icy glare through his glasses an unfamiliar shiver runs down Jeng’s spine. “I don’t need you telling me how to do my job. That’s not why I asked you to come here.”
Never in his life did Jeng imagine hearing words with hostility laced into them from Karn. He’s left speechless for a moment too long, because Pong picks up on the unsettling atmosphere and attempts to calm things down between them. “What he means is that we’re thankful for your expertise and your willingness to run those tests. My friend here is just a little grumpy these days, please excuse him. He didn’t mean it like that and he is just as grateful for your quick assistance, right?”
For the first time in weeks Jeng is witness to a different emotion than just indifference showing up on Karn’s face. With indignity he turns his attention towards Pong and shakes his head. “I’m not grumpy.”
“Yes, you are.”
Pong gives Jeng an apologetic smile. “Again: Thank you for your help, it’s very kind of you on such short notice, Dr.Jeng. We’ll both be around tomorrow waiting for your report, so if you happen to have any further questions please don’t hesitate to reach out. We will be in touch.”
After a quick goodbye Pong drags Karn along by the sleeve of his suit and Jeng just can’t help but huff a humorless laugh as he watches them leave. The absurdity of a doctor who’s clearly working under Karn’s order treating him like this is just exceptionally comical.
But as Jeng makes a few calls to arrange the tests for the following day the traces of amusement quickly wear off. After he finally makes it home with the remaining reports left unfinished on his desk at the office, he reschedules his brunch with Alan for a dinner instead, telling him that something urgent came up at work. Jeng just doesn’t feel like sharing what happened with Karn. Unsurprisingly it turns out to be a mistake. Because that well hidden box of memories inside Jeng’s mind just pushes itself to the front bit by bit. No matter how much Jeng tries to distract himself, looking at potential furniture online, adding new pins to his pinterest board, watching his brother’s most recent live that he missed due to work, his thoughts just keep drifting off.
His inability to comprehend the shocking difference in Karn makes him wonder what happened in all those years for him to turn so cold and rather heartless. All that time ago Karn was an ambitious but yet scared and nervous bundle of a young man who was trying to fulfill his parents’ wish of becoming a doctor and bringing honor to the family name. It was and still is a reason that Jeng can’t truly sympathize with. He had to go against his mother to be able to become a dentist. Her wish was for him to help cover rent and other expenses as quickly as possible by choosing any kind of profession that didn’t require years and years of studying. Becoming a doctor was the complete opposite of that. What Jeng and Karn did share, though, was the ultimate goal of helping people in need.
Fully immersed in the forbidden box of memories now, Jeng remembers one day in particular playing before his very eyes right now as he begins to space out.
It was a gloomy morning during exam season. It was the day of Jeng’s and Karn’s last exam together. After passing the introductory course it was time to choose their specialized field which would entail different courses and seminars in the second year. However, that didn’t mean an end to what had developed between them over this first year of university together.
Jeng stretched lazily in bed and it took his tired and exhausted brain a minute to notice that Karn wasn’t pressed to his side anymore. Slowly blinking his eyes open, Jeng found Karn dressed in nothing but a new pair of underwear and his rimless glasses sitting hunched over his meticulously organized desk.
“Hmpfh. What time is it?” Jeng grumbled while turning around and burying his face inside the still warm pillow. It held Karn’s faint scent inside the fabric.
“It’s five in the morning. You can go back to sleep,” came Karn’s soft voice immediately.
Jeng groaned as he heard the time, but without Karn’s warm body next to him it was difficult to go back into sleeping mode. “What are you doing?” he ended up asking after a few minutes of silence that was only interrupted by the scribble of Karn’s pen across his notebook. Jeng turned his head to the side to observe Karn. Karn’s upper body shook slightly when he huffed out a raspy laugh.
“What could I possibly be doing hours before an extremely important exam, hm?”
“Karn,” Jeng whined and dragged out the single syllable of his name. “I told you you’re going to do just fine. There is something called too much studying and it won’t do you any good.”
“Well, I couldn’t sleep anymore so what was I supposed to do?”
Before Jeng could reply that there was one thing Karn loved to do when stressed out of his mind he already took notice of a small pile of fresh and neatly folded clothes on the lounging chair next to him. Jeng’s eyes immediately scanned the floor. Gone were the hastily pulled off pants and shirts, strewn across the soft beige rug last night or the condom wrapper that Jeng had tossed away in the same careless way. He also found his backpack propped up against the leg of Karn’s desk. The zipper was closed and none of the loose sheets of paper Jeng had used yesterday to furiously scribble down notes during their study session were sticking out of the top anymore. So Karn had already tried cleaning.
Jeng sighed with a mix of fondness but also worry. With slightly wobbly limbs and the blanket still wrapped around himself, Jeng made his way out of bed and across the room until he was able to engulf Karn in the cocoon of his blanket from behind.
“Jeng,” Karn murmured, pretending to be annoyed, but Jeng smiled to himself when Karn leaned back into him. He placed the whisper of a kiss to Karn’s cheek.
“Come back to bed with me,” he said.
“I told you, I can’t sleep anymore.”
Jeng counted it as a success when Karn lifted one of his hands to place them on top of Jeng's that were clasped over his chest. “We don’t have to sleep.”
“No sex. Celebratory sex has to wait until after we pass.”
Jeng chuckled into his ear. “I wasn’t referring to that, but now that you mention it: Are we actually abstaining until the results will be made public?”
The tension in Karn’s body finally loosened a bit when he joined Jeng’s laughter. Still, he ended up staying in front of his laptop and textbook. So Jeng brought over the lounging chair to fall into and lazily threw one half of the blanket over Karn’s back. At last he dropped his cheek on Karn’s shoulder.
His heart was thumping with joy when Karn gave him a sweet, thankful kiss onto his forehead. The gesture, the whole moment, it all got to Jeng’s head and made him dream of a far away future with Karn like this: When all the studies, all the exams were over and they’d call themselves doctors. Then he’d love to cuddle up to Karn like this, inside their home and their office and just silently share the same space with him while doing research.
Jeng felt a little silly thinking about it, envisioning it so clearly even when there were so many challenges down the road for them. What they had was merely months old, born out of a desperation not to go through this alone. But that desperation had turned into love, Jeng couldn’t deny it anymore.
The wish to become a doctor was now paired with the dream of graduating together with Karn. He wanted to see him succeed, wanted to be there through it all.
Jeng has to truly snap himself out of that memory at that moment, seeing that his heart’s already aching inside his chest. He doesn't want to think further about how that dream bursted into nothing within the second year. What was supposed to be a shiny bubble of new experiences with Karn by his side turned out to be a lesson in heartbreak that Jeng will never forget.
Unlike May suggested, Jeng thinks that attempting to get closure for something that happened so long ago is unnecessary at this point. If they had met again at an earlier moment in life, then maybe having that final conversation with all the walls lowered down would have helped Jeng to heal. But they are in their mid-thirties now, what is there to reconcile when they both have their own lives to live? Jeng learned the hard way how to ignore his broken heart and tend to it himself once he was able to think clearly again.
However, as he’s sitting here now with his heart all weak once more, he can’t deny that there’s one thing he hasn’t been able to truly turn off for good: caring about Karn. Even when they eventually went separate ways in university and the contact trickled out into nothing, Jeng kept an eye out for him, asking around how Karn was doing, if he was still on the path to become a doctor. Of course Karn graduated as the best of the year with honors and multiple awards handed to him. Jeng expected nothing less of him. Still, he had worried about what caused Karn to drop him and focus on nothing but his studies after that first year. As far as Jeng knew nothing major had happened after passing their exams. Karn went on vacation with his family and suddenly returned as a different person.
The nagging worry of what happened to turn Karn into such a coldhearted doctor resurfaces. Jeng knows that Karn cared for helping people just as much as he himself. While Jeng still strongly stands behind that sentiment and makes it his prior reason to not have given up on this profession altogether, he can’t tell if it’s still the same for Karn.
These thoughts don’t leave Jeng for a while. After he finishes up the report of Karn’s patient and sends it over, he silently hopes Karn will reach out to him for help once more. Jeng wants to understand, wants to reassure himself that Karn is doing alright. He keeps that secret to himself though, doesn’t tell any of his friends about it. For such a long time he banished Karn out of his head just for him to worm his way back into it with such ease - it’s rather embarrassing.
Whereas he used to avoid running into Karn at the hospital, he now keeps his head up. They still don’t greet each other, don’t exchange smiles or anything and it’s okay that way, at least Jeng tells himself so.
Two months into the job, Jeng gets invited to a charity event hosted by the hospital’s owner to which he initially plans not to go. There’s so much to do at home. His apartment has been a total mess ever since he moved here and he simply didn’t have the time yet to invest in properly organizing everything, unpacking all boxes and buying the needed furniture. Very recently Jeng had to rearrange plans with his mother to some place far away from his apartment so she and his brother wouldn’t see the catastrophic state his new home is in. There’s just never a convenient time to do it and Jeng’s also kind of an expert at maintaining chaos and living with it.
What ends up changing Jeng’s heart is a bunch of the younger nurses and doctors swarming his office every day of the week leading up to the event, some of them even bribing him with various kinds of sweets and desserts, begging him to please come. And Jeng’s just never been one to deny anybody a wish. Secretly he doesn't even feel like dealing with his apartment anyway. He knows if he’s not going to this event he’ll surely find himself on the sofa that night, watching dramas or looking up cat shelters because he’s still dreaming about adopting a cat again.
So Jeng gives his mother a call to have her send his one and only back tie suit that she’s keeping safe for him.
On the day of the charity event with the fancy outfit on, he feels stiff and a little bit constricted in the tailored clothes right after leaving the house. The priority for his everyday clothes is comfort. Wide leg and flowy pants, oversized shirts. It’s rare to see him wear slim jeans. Jeng is even kind of known for stealing at least one or two shirts from any of his ex boyfriends. There’s nothing cozier than snuggling up in the shirt of a person that Jeng has kept close to his heart at that time.
“Dr. Jeng, are you alright? You look like your shirt is slowly suffocating you,” one of his younger colleagues, Ohm, asks him when they all meet up out front of the exceptionally high-class hotel where the event takes place. Jeng quickly pulls out the finger he stuck into the collar of his shirt to loosen up the fabric and the too tight knot of his tie.
“Yeah, I’m okay,” he lies and promptly earns himself a round of laughter.
“It’s okay, we pretty much all dislike to dress this way,” another nurse, who usually only covers the night shift and Jeng rarely sees, reassures him. “I don’t know how other doctors like all the cardiologists do it and wear these suits every day to work.”
“But some of them, they’d look so weird in more casual clothes. I’m thinking someone like Dr. Karn, he was probably born in them. I haven’t seen him wear anything else and it’s hard to picture him in casual clothes, right?”
Well, Jeng knows for a fact that Karn dressed more casually in the past. He’s also unable to stop his thoughts from going further and reminding him that he’s also seen Karn dressed in absolutely nothing. Jeng’s face starts to heat up and he has to banish the following thoughts of what Karn’s more mature, leaner body might look like buried underneath all those fitted, expensive clothes.
He’s more than thankful that the rest of the dental clinic team arrives and they make their way inside, towards their designated seats. Jeng is honestly a little overwhelmed looking at the grand hall that is decked out in tasteful decor kept in neutral colors and some gold accents. The round tables are big enough for at least 15 people, a pristine white tablecloth thrown over and an asymmetrical vase holding a gorgeous arrangement of pastel flowers. Alongside the shiny tableware there’s already an assortment of snacks. It kind of reminds Jeng of western wedding decor instead of a charity event taking place. He guesses the hospital owner is going all out to have the biggest sponsors and investors opening up their wallets even further to provide the funds for more research projects and innovations.
The food they get served makes all the people around the table gawk at it, because it looks way too good to be eaten. Jeng’s mood lifts throughout the evening and he’s glad that all of his colleagues that are chatting with him have made the effort to convince him to come. Delicious food, friendly company, laughter, someone bringing over a bottle of liquor and shot glasses - he’s glad he came out after all.
The evening progresses with the glasses refilling quickly round after round and thus the looser the tongues of the people become. Jeng tries to limit himself to just a handful of shots, because he doesn’t want to be hungover, he has plans for the next day. For the first time since he moved back to Bangkok, May finally managed to find some free time to meet up with him for longer than just a coffee between meetings.
“So, Dr. Jeng. There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask,” Ohm announces and plops down in the mysteriously empty chair next to him. He didn't even notice that Yada left her place. Maybe it’s better to stop drinking now. “How do you get along with a brother who runs a food and dessert channel on social media? I can imagine the family dinners back at home to be tense - a professional sweet tooth and a dentist.”
Jeng blinks at them slowly and then puts down his filled glass. He notices how suddenly all eyes around the table are fixed on him. It shouldn’t be a surprise because he’s keeping his private life away from his work place, as far away as possible, and his coworkers just love to gossip. To have him cornered like this, it almost feels like they planned this on purpose.
“If you haven’t already noticed, I also really like to eat sweets. So it’s actually pretty convenient that my brother knows his way around the best food spots in the country,” he says with a smile. However, before anyone can dig further he stands up and gestures towards the exit. “I’m sorry, I’ll be right back,” he excuses himself and leaves the hall with quick strides.
It’s not like Jeng is embarrassed about his private life. Moreover this is about protecting the people he holds close to his heart and keeping them away from being fodder to senseless workplace gossip. Because he knows if he’s giving away more, people will keep on digging and eventually find out things he’s actually not proud of. So far Jeng has managed to dodge the question of what exactly happened in the time between his doctorate and his current position at the hospital. While Jeng overcame the initial fear of starting over, he’s sure he won’t be able to shake off the feeling of guilt and failure for a while. There’s this image he wants to uphold in front of his colleagues. He wants to seem like he’s earned himself his position though nothing but success - just like all of them did.
When Jeng reaches the bathroom he’s been looking for, the very reason as to why that belief is so engraved into his mind stands before him. Karn, dressed in a fine and form fitting cream colored suit with a light blue shirt, a shiny silver watch on his wrist, blocks his way.
“Jeng,” he says in his usual indifferent tone as he throws some paper hand towels into the waste.
“It’s Dr. Jeng to you,” he corrects Karn, surprising himself with his own annoyed voice. Jeng is unsure what is causing his resentment so suddenly, but he can tell that the bits of alcohol running through his veins are definitely not helping to keep his temper under control like usual.
Seeing that Karn keeps blocking his path, Jeng squeezes past him. He tugs on the knot of his tie again with almost shaking fingers and pushes himself up against the sink.
“Are you okay?”
Jeng lets out a short huff. “Why? Because you actually care? Or do you just want to make sure you have the time to bring someone else over for first aid if needed?”
“Jeng,” Karn repeats from closer behind him now, the door closing with a shut.
“I told you: It’s Dr. Jeng to you.”
Before Jeng can turn on the faucet and splash his overheated face with water, a wide and surprisingly warm hand is placed on his shoulder. He whips his body around and whatever snappy remark his tipsy mind wants to throw into Karn’s face is swallowed by a silent gasp. Karn lifts his hand and holds it to Jeng’s slightly damp forehead. Instead of swatting it away immediately Jeng is frozen by the sheer softness and care laced into that single touch.
He comes to the realization: This is not Dr. Karn, the doctor with a heart made out of ice, before him right now. And when Jeng meets Karn’s eyes through the lenses of his glasses, the inner turmoil of all these contradicting emotions intensifies and makes his brain short circuit. All the heartache, all the care, the coldness, the indifference, it all confuses Jeng so much that he ends up making a big mistake: he lets his gaze drop and looks at Karn’s lips for just a single breath. It’s still long enough for Karn to notice it. And to also do the same in return.
Jeng blames it on the alcohol, no matter how little it was, that when Karn cups Jeng’s cheek, his eyelids flutter shut and he leans into the familiar touch from another time. His heart thumps a heavy rhythm inside of his chest.
God, he should get away, he knows it, but instead he slowly opens his eyes again when Karn says his name for a third time, but it’s a softer and more careful whisper now. “Jeng.”
It’s his heart that makes the final decision. His silly, naive, weak heart that has always kept a spark of hope inside of it. Karn moves closer into Jeng’s space while simultaneously tipping Jeng’s face back until they meet in a kiss. A kiss so heavy and desperate that Jeng immediately finds himself clutching onto Karn’s wide shoulder like an anchor.
A flood of emotions washes over Jeng the more urgently their lips move and he has to suppress a defeated whine when Karn tilts his head slightly and slips his tongue inside his ridiculously willing mouth. Jeng drowns within Karn, drowns in the flashback of how their very first kiss was also a result of desperation, denial of feelings for one another and a tedious game of back and forth until all tension finally snapped. Right now Jeng lets himself get pressed back until the sink digs into his lower back, Karn’s body flush against him, until he runs out of air.
“Karn,” Jeng rasps, unsure of what he’s asking for right now. He meets Karn’s equally dark eyes and it’s like he’s looking right into his past. There’s something inside Karn’s gaze that still reflects the youthfulness of the first year student Jeng fell head over heels for.
Within a sharp inhale it’s Jeng this time that pulls Karn towards him for more deep kisses. And when Karn’s mouth not only presses against his own and instead moves towards Jeng’s neck, he lets it happen, even cranes his neck back to give him more access.
“Fuck,” he gasps, burying one hand in Karn’s hair, pressing him closer.
Just when Karn’s fingers begin to finally undo the uncomfortable tie as well as the first buttons of Jeng’s shirt, Jeng is somehow conscious enough to hear the faint sound of footsteps from outside the bathroom - and they are getting closer.
“Stop, stop. Oh god, stop.” Jeng frantically pushes Karn’s head away. “Someone’s coming.”
Within a second Karn tugs Jeng inside one of the two stalls and locks them inside the even more confined space. It’s just on time because the door opens up merely a moment later and it’s actually three people that barge into the bathroom, all talking excitedly.
Pushed up against the wall by Karn, Jeng blinks up at him, his lungs hurting from keeping his heavy breath at bay to not be detected. Thankfully the group seems to be tipsy enough to not notice that one stall is occupied. They keep laughing together, doing their business at an achingly slow tempo.
It gives Jeng too much time to keep staring at Karn, to register the hint of a blush on his usually unbothered face, the way his glasses have slid down on his nose and also his hair being in a state that would make it obvious what the two of them were doing just now if anyone would have caught them. It’s thrilling actually, to have the power over changing and rattling Karn like this when it actually feels like the opposite, When Jeng felt like he’s been the only one that’s been so shaken up by the two of them meeting again.
And it’s most likely that thrill that makes Jeng not think rationally once the group leaves, banging the door closed on the way out. He watches how Karn pushes his glasses up again before stroking a hand through his disheveled hair. Jeng’s eyes fixate on the sharp line of Karn’s jaw as he tips his head back slightly, letting out a deep breath.
The two of them hiding inside the stall should be warning enough to stop this right there and then. But when their gazes meet again, Jeng feels defenseless against the intensity of longing there is. It’s like his silly heart hasn’t learned its lesson and it's fighting against every rational thought just to have Karn again.
Karn slides the back of his hand over Jeng’s blushing cheek and down his neck until he wraps his fingers around Jeng’s half-undone tie. He easily slips it off and then stuffs it inside the pocket of Jeng’s pants. A gasp escapes Jeng’s throat at the feeling of Karn touching his body like this, even if it’s for the split of a second until his hand is gone again. It makes one corner of Karn’s mouth lift in a satisfied half-smile. Jeng’s heart flips inside his chest at the first sight of Karn somewhat smiling.
“Kiss me again, please,” Jeng hears himself say, hands grabbing onto Karn’s waist, fingernails curling into the expensive, silken fabric of his suit jacket.
Karn licks his lips and in the next moment he grants Jeng his wish. His mouth, warm and slightly wet, moves with intention, but it seems a little softer now after they got interrupted. Still, it makes Jeng clutch onto Karn, sinking into him, kissing him back for as long as his lungs allow him to.
It all feels like a fever dream. Karn’s touch is so full of want, so contradicting to what he’s been like towards Jeng for the last months. It almost comes to a shock to him when Karn is pressed up against him and Jeng can feel Karn all worked up, half-hard inside his pants, pushing his thigh in between Jeng’s to get as close to him as possible.
Karn’s mouth swallows Jeng’s moan. There’s an excited swirl of need and a sudden wave of lust mixing inside Jeng’s stomach. He lets his hand glide lower until he has Karn’s hips clutched, guiding his tiny movements against his own body.
“Fuck, Jeng,” Karn murmurs when he’s able to release Jeng’s lips, the words mumbled into the side of Jeng’s neck instead. “I need you so bad.”
These words get to Jeng’s head pretty fast, he almost feels dizzy especially with Karn leaving open-mouthed kisses to his neck now. Goosebumps spread across his entire body.
“Not here,” Jeng is able to say. Because no matter how desperate they are and how much he’d love to have Karn right here and now, not ever having to separate himself from him again, he’s not a teenager anymore. It’s already pathetic enough that he’s hiding in a bathroom, making out with his ex, while all his new colleagues are out there and possibly still waiting for him to return.
Karn studies his expression for a moment. Jeng wonders if he just bursted the bubble they were inside with his words, but a moment later Karn nods in agreement.
“Wait by the elevators for me, I’ll be right with you.”
Before Jeng has the chance to even grasp what Karn told him to do, there’s a lighter, sweeter kiss placed onto the corner of his lips and then Karn unlocks the door and is gone. Without his anchor Jeng slumps against the wall of the bathroom stall for a moment, his lungs grasping for air like he just remembered how to breathe.
Fuck, he knows he should rethink his decision. He feels the dreading voice inside his head trying to fight to the forefront, trying its hardest to prevent him from running into a mistake. Or is it just what he’s afraid this is going to turn into? What if his heart has the right feeling about this? Jeng will never find out if he doesn’t use this opportunity, right? So what if there will be another scar inside his heart after this, just another one to add to the collection. It’s worth the risk. Or at least that’s what he’s thinking now.
Still a little dizzy from adrenaline and endorphins and lust and uncertainty, Jeng makes his way out of the bathroom on rather unsteady feet. He runs his hand along the wall of the corridor leading to the reception area of the hotel and finds the elevators quickly. His eyes keep drifting in the direction of the grand hall where the event takes place, worried that someone might look for him and find him here.
“Let’s go.” Jeng hears Karn’s voice behind him just as he was about to rethink if standing out here might be too risky. Jeng lets Karn hook his arm underneath his own and pull him towards one of the elevators.
Jeng can’t help but stare at the two cards inside Karn’s hands. One he uses on the scanner inside the cart to access the floor they are heading to, the other one - a black credit card - he stuffs into the back pocket of his suit pants like it’s just another business card.
His brain must have shut down at some point in the last few minutes because he doesn’t understand what he else expected from Karn’s instruction. Jeng is breathless just imagining how much Karn must have just spent for them to-
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Karn interrupts Jeng’s inner thoughts.
Jeng’s gaze wanders towards Karn and he finds him still looking irresistible and the same amount of shaken up that Jeng feels, but there’s actual concern laced within his words. While the elevator hums silently, bringing them up several floors, Jeng doesn’t really know how to answer the question.
He’s surely not okay for allowing this to happen. Or rather: to be a willing participant in this. But Jeng feels like there’s no way he can actually walk away from this opportunity, from having Karn again, no matter the consequences. That little voice is getting drowned out more and more the closer Jeng gets to touch Karn again, to feel him, to taste him, to have him overtake his entire nervous system again. It’s like he’s a drug that Jeng was so sure he got away from.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jeng breathes and leans further into Karn’s side. His breath quickens when Karn unhooks their arms so he can place one around Jeng’s waist, pulling him in.
Once they reach god knows what floor, Karn steers them towards a room at the end of the hallway, unlocking the heavy, black door. Jeng only gets a glimpse of the massive suite that’s probably even bigger than his own one bedroom apartment, because the moment the door shuts close behind them Karn is on him again, pushing him up against the nearest wall and kissing him like he’s starving. With just the two of them now and the fear of being detected gone, Jeng can let himself get lost in Karn’s touch truly now. He wraps his arms around his neck and kisses him back with the same intensity. It doesn’t even take minutes until the heated breaths and the quickened heartbeat are back.
“Jeng,” Karn murmurs, voice dripping with need. Jeng throws his head back, hitting the wall behind, when Karn repeats it, his warm mouth pressed against the delicate skin of his neck again.
“Please,” Jeng answers, mind all fuzzy and his body on fire.
Whatever he’s asking for, Karn seems to understand him right away. While pulling at Jeng’s clothes, he pushes them both towards the massive bed in the main room of the suite. Once Karn has Jeng’s jacket pulled off and the front of his shirt unbuttoned, he moves Jeng onto the end of the bed. A moment later he lowers himself onto the carpet right before him.
Jeng swallows around a lump that’s suddenly formed in his throat. Or maybe it’s just his heart beating up there now. A shiver runs down his spine when Karn looks up at him through his glasses, both hands splayed on Jeng’s knees. While the lust in his eyes is unmistakable, there’s something else in his gaze and also within his action. To have someone like Karn on his knees for him, still completely dressed in his expensive suit, it kind of feels like a delusional dream. The type of dream Jeng has been denying himself to still have occasionally.
When Karn places his warm hand on Jeng’s exposed stomach, splaying his fingers wide until his thumb just slightly traces the waistband of Jeng’s pants, Jeng has to take a deep breath in and out. It doesn’t help with the desire that’s taking control.
He can feel his cock stirring, especially with Karn’s hand so close to it now. That sensation turns into pulsating quickly when Karn lets his fingers wander across the sensitive skin around Jeng’s bellybutton until they pinch onto the zipper of his black slacks. He ever so slowly pulls it down.
Jeng’s face starts to burn again. Still, he leans back onto his hands on the mattress, gaze fixed on Karn like he’s a prized possession that he doesn’t want to take his eyes off. Of course they betray him once Karn touches him where he wants him the most, eyelids fluttering close on their own within a second.
“You’re so beautiful,” Karn mutters, hand pressing against the bulge in Jeng’s underwear. His touch is firm and hot and it really doesn’t take much to bring Jeng to full hardness, especially with the praise that gets to Jeng’s head instantly.
“Please,” Jeng whines, hips slightly lifting off the mattress and towards Karn. “Touch me, please.”
Something like a low chuckle follows from Karn. He doesn’t pull the rest of Jeng’s clothes off. Instead he reaches inside Jeng’s underwear and pulls his hard cock out, the elastic band of his boxer briefs now sitting just below. Jeng takes in a shaky breath.
A moment later that inhale turns into a breathy moan and Jeng’s eyes fly open again. Karn moves into the space of Jeng’s spread legs and is pressing the softest, but yet blazing kisses across Jeng’s lower stomach. His lips trace the line of Jeng’s happy trail. Jeng’s stomach flexes, his muscles pulling in tight the closer Karn gets to his pulsating cock.
Jeng thinks he’s gone for good, but when Karn lifts his gaze and searches for Jeng’s eyes over the rim of his glasses.
“Can I?” Karn asks, his voice low and raspy and fuck, fuck. Jeng’s entire body shudders and there’s genuinely a drop of precome spilling simply by the sound of Karn’s voice.
“Yes, please. Now.”
And Karn really doesn’t waste a single moment anymore and takes Jeng into his mouth, burying his head between his legs.
“Oh god,” Jeng moans and falls back onto his elbows, neck thrown back.
Karn’s mouth feels heavenly and ungodly at the same time. It’s wet and hot and his tongue against the tip of Jeng’s cock lets Jeng spill unknown sounds from his mouth. Almost on his own does Jeng’s hand bury itself in Karn’s hair, guiding his movement as he blows Jeng like there hasn’t been a single day where he hasn’t done this.
“Fuck, Karn. You’re so good.”
Karn pulls off for a second, his breath heavy against Jeng’s skin. Still, Jeng is able to tell between the open-mouthed, filthy kisses he leaves all over Jeng’s shaft that he’s actually smiling while doing so. And god, does Jeng enjoy every second of it.
His nails lightly scrape over Karn’s scalp as he takes the tip of his cock back between his lips. Once his hand joins and makes this blowjob even more overstimulating, Jeng knows he’s really too far gone, the pit of his stomach boiling with lust. He knows it’s been a long time, Jeng has never been one for casual sex, but it is kind of embarrassing how quickly Karn brings him to the edge of orgasm. Jeng doesn’t want this to end so quickly though. And certainly not without having Karn’s warm body pressed against his own.
“Please, Karn. Please, stop,” he begs, weakly pulling on the strands of Karn’s hair between his fingers. “Come up here. I need you.”
When Karn looks up at him, Jeng almost loses his composure for real. His lashes are dark with tears pooling at the corner of his eyes and his lips look irresistible: slightly swollen and so pink. Jeng did this to him. With powerless arms, Jeng tugs on Karn's shoulder, literally just grabbing onto any part of him to pull him up.
He hums in satisfaction, almost purring like a cat when Karn engulfs him in a deep kiss. There’s definitely the taste of himself on Karn’s tongue, which he doesn’t mind - god, the opposite actually. It feels primal how much he enjoys it.
“Get those silly clothes off now!”
Karn chuckles slightly against Jeng’s cheek. “Impatient as always, hm?”
The knee Karn placed in between Jeng’s opened legs on the mattress moves closer until he almost touches Jeng with it. Jeng squirms a little, looking up at Karn with pleading eyes.
“It’s okay,” Karn says, standing up straight again and towering over Jeng. “I want you just as bad, my love.”
The sound of this distantly familiar name paired with how Karn still remembers Jeng being impatient, it does things to Jeng’s head. He wants to hear it again, wants to be a whiny mess for Karn, wants him so bad.
He watches like a man possessed how Karn undresses himself torturously slowly. And just like Karn remembers Jeng, Jeng isn’t surprised by the way Karn places each clothing item he takes off to the side with care. What happens with his expensive watch goes past Jeng, because once Karn is almost naked in front of him, his brain shuts off entirely. While Karn as a young man in the beginning of his twenties wasn’t necessarily lanky or skinny, there’s definitely a difference to his body now. His chest is broad and defined, just as well as his stomach. And god, Jeng is so close to jumping out of his skin by the time Karn has removed the last piece and he notices the prominent happy trail leading down to where Karn-
“Eyes up here,” Karn instructs, snapping his fingers in front of Jeng’s face.
Jeng huffs and catches Karn’s hand instead. With some effort he pulls until Karn straddles him, naked as he is. The laughter that follows from Karn reawakens a sensation that Jeng hasn’t felt in years. Mixed with the scorching hot desire, there’s a prickling feeling building up from deep inside, radiating towards his heart. He’s left speechless for a moment, but Karn - clueless to Jeng’s inner turmoil - fills the silence quickly.
“It’s not fair to be the only one completely undressed right now.”
So he slightly moves back again, pulling on both Jeng’s pants and underwear and gets them off. Just like with his own clothes, he folds them once and places them on the pile together.
“Better,” Karn says with a smile once Jeng slips the unbuttoned shirt off his shoulders too. Jeng’s heart reacts right away to seeing Karn smile. He’s absolutely breathtaking like this. It’s difficult to not get overwhelmed. Jeng is reduced to staring up at him with an open mouth, because his hands don’t even know where to start.
Thankfully Karn takes control of the situation. With firm hands that he places on Jeng’s knees once more he gently pushes them apart until he can lower himself between them.
“Karn,” Jeng says breathily the moment their naked bodies press together and Jeng can feel Karn’s desire against his skin, fingers traveling up Jeng’s thighs until he curls one hand around his waist, the other one coming up to his neck, brushing over the sheen of sweat that’s collected right below his jawline.
Karn slightly moves his hips and observes Jeng’s reaction with hunger in his gaze and a satisfied grin on his lips. “You’re so good for me, aren’t you?”
Jeng nods helplessly, already too lost in the pleasure. It’s surely not an ideal situation with no supplies on hand, but it’s still heavenly to have Karn so close, hands exploring all over, lips tracing other paths of desire. A moan escapes both their mouths simultaneously when Karn brings one hand between them and he fists their throbbing cocks together.
“That’s it,” Karn breathes. “Let me hear you.”
The fingers Jeng previously curled into the pristine white sheets of the bed, wander to Karn’s hips, digging in there with need. He whines and moans while Karn pushes against him with a little more control, making the movement thrilling. It’s been a while for Jeng to have been intimate with someone else, but for it to be Karn right now, it makes everything feel even more intense.
Jeng dares to peek his eyes open, looking up at Karn looming over him. His glasses are barely sitting on his nose anymore, his face glowing with a sheen of sweat and a pinkish blush which brings back memories of a more youthful Karn.
All kinds of confusing emotions stir up inside of Jeng and he presses his eyes close again once Karn’s gaze meets his. He focuses on the lust burning deep inside, the carnal need to get off together with Karn, to just rub their bodies together as if they are some desperate teenagers. If only they had a condom and lube, because the desire is so strong, he wants to bury himself inside of Karn - or vice versa. Jeng is not picky right now, he just needs to feel Karn everywhere for as long as possible. He wants him to take over his entire being, wants to sink into him, drown in him and then never get up again. Lose himself in this moment forever.
And it seems like Karn shares similar ideas. “Turn to your side,” he instructs. A moment later he lays down behind him. Jeng bites his lips until they are sore when he now feels Karn, burning hot and wet with precum against his backside.
“Karn, please,” he whines desperately and with shame and dignity long gone at this point.
“I’ve got you.” A messy kiss is placed to his shoulderblade and then Karn brushes one warm hand up his thigh, until he slips across his hip and finally curls around Jeng’s desperate cock.
“This is what you want, am I right?”
Tears begin to burn in the corner of Jeng’s eyes. Unidentifiable noises follow from his mouth once Karn’s hips move against Jeng’s back and his cock slips almost right where Jeng wants him the most. God, he’s so beyond gone, because he wants to just reach behind himself in that moment and make it happen, fuck all consequences. He feels it in every gasp that Karn huffs into his ear, the eagerness in his movements, his touch and his push and pull, that Karn wants it just as bad.
Jeng whispers Karn’s name over and over, to the same rhythm that Karn brings him closer to release with his hand. And Karn is close too, the precise control over his motions slowly slipping away as he’s just as overtaken by desire.
Karn swipes his thumb over the tip of Jeng’s desperate cock and Jeng automatically pushes his hips forward, seeking more of that sensation, the orgasm so close now. He cranes his neck back until his head falls onto Karn’s shoulder.
“That’s it,” Karn mumbles against the delicate skin of his neck as he takes the exposed throat as an offer for more playroom. “You’re so beautiful like this. Lost in pleasure.”
Jeng digs his nails into Karn’s forearm.
“Fuck, I missed having you like this so much, Jeng.”
The words make a burning hot fire of emotions slide down Jeng’s throat, clogging it up so he can’t even moan Karn’s name anymore. It’s just desperate whines and movements, chasing that release, that high he wants to feel so bad together with Karn. And only him.
So when Karn pushes eagerly against his ass, it’s so close within reach. His fist tightens around Jeng’s cock. His mouth places one wet kiss after the other across Jeng’s shoulder and neck. Jeng whimpers, high-pitched, a hot shiver spreading from his core all over his body. The tears have managed to run down his face now, leaving an equally hot trace on his cheeks. He is so close.
“You can let go. I’ve got you,” Karn whispers, voice heavy with equally strong emotions that are not just pure lust at this point. “Come for me, my love.”
And Jeng’s body listens to Karn within seconds. His body bows for Karn as the climax washes over him like a white, blissful wave of release of all these contradicting emotions. The tensions that’s been building up deflates as soon as he’s done spilling his release over Karn’s fist, but there’s still another shiver running down his spine, stirring up his desire with a weak attempt when Karn buries his face in Jeng’s shoulder and within a few gasps he comes against Jeng too, moaning his name breathily.
It’s silent except for the elaborated breathing between them for a few moments. That is until Karn twists his body away and a handful of seconds later Jeng can feel him wipe away his release from Jeng’s back before it can slide down to unwanted places. Jeng also vaguely registers Karn cleaning up his hands.
Once that is done, Karn lets out a huff and thuds his forehead against Jeng’s shoulder once more. He tightens his hold around him, pulling him closer and Jeng lets him do so with no protest. His limbs feel weak, body completely spent while his eyelids are heavy.
With the AC unit running cool in the room the sweat on Jeng’s skin quickly cools down and there’s goosebumps spreading across instead. Karn, who’s been slowly brushing his fingers up and down Jeng’s arms, quickly takes notice of it. While he engulfs him with as much body heat as possible, he still asks: “Come and take a shower with me, hm?”
His voice is deep and raspy and just so full of care. So Jeng ends up nodding his head and lets Karn pull him out of bed. It’s only then that he gets to see Karn’s face and finds him without his glasses but with a satisfied, breathtaking smile on his face.
Karn stops in his tracks as well. He tilts his head a little, gaze roaming over Jeng’s features until he lifts one hand to brush a few strands of damp hair out of Jeng’s face. The tips of his fingers tickle across Jeng’s cheeks, painted with tears and a deep blush that won’t disappear for hours.
“Come on, let me take care of you. Then we can sleep.”
Jeng nods, too tired to think and just thankful that Karn guides him.
He’s barely conscious when after a hot shower where Karn makes sure to clean them down as fast as possible they fall back into bed. At one point he can feel sheets being pulled over his bare body and then there’s the warmth of Karn again. Jeng’s hand places itself on top of Karn’s chest and then he’s out, the tiredness overcoming him and pulling him into a world of deep, restful sleep.
It simultaneously feels like an eternity but also five minutes later that Jeng is being jolted awake by a scary ringing sound. He twitches and lets out a gasp at the terrorizing noise before he realizes: it’s a phone.
“Yeah?” follows a deep voice that Jeng expected to be right beside him.
Jeng blinks his eyes open. He has to adjust to the spare light that’s being let into the room by the halfclosed blinds. Eventually he can make out the outline of Karn’s body a few meters away, standing in the middle of the living area.
Not fully awake and conscious enough to be able to use all his senses, Jeng can only hear a few words Karn mumbles into his phone. It’s not enough to understand who he’s talking to or what the person on the other end wants from him at such an ungodly hour. So Jeng presses his face into the pillow and waits until there’s complete silence again.
“Jeng.”
The mattress beside him dips as Karn sits down on it, one hand gently placed on Jeng’s shoulder. As Jeng turns around to face him, he’s suddenly confronted with Dr. Karn again: fully dressed, hair neatly combed, face looking fresh, glasses clean on his nose. It makes Jeng pull the sheets up his naked shoulders, suddenly feeling too exposed.
“Hey, I have to leave,” Karn begins to explain, hand slipping from Jeng's body. Jeng takes notice of the expensive watch adorning his wrist once more. “You can sleep as much as you want to, order room service or anything else you want, it’s all taken care of.”
Jeng blinks at him, a sour taste gathering in his mouth. “You… you’re leaving?”
Instead of an explanation, Karn nods shortly and then pulls his phone out of his pocket to take a look at the time. Not fully grasping the situation as well as his emotions, Jeng lets out an annoyed huff as he can feel his heart inside his chest beginning to ache.
“So, that’s it then? You’re just going to leave me like this and we go back to not even saying hello when we run into each other at work again?!”
Karn’s face twists in confusion. “I have an important appointment that I need to get to, that’s all.”
“Sure,” Jeng replies sourly, pulling his legs towards his body because he still feels too vulnerable even with the sheets wrapped tightly around him. “Then leave if it’s so important.”
“Jeng, what’s the matter?”
“You have the nerve to ask me that?” he lets out a high-pitched laugh. “Do you often happen to have sex with your ex-partner who you’ve been avoiding for years and then just leave afterwards without there being questions? Am I really just that much of a casual fuck to you?”
Karn sighs deeply and runs a hand down his face. He shakes his head. “Why are you interpreting so much into this?”
“Because you don’t talk to me, that’s why! What else am I supposed to do when you leave me without any explanations?!”
“But I just told you: there’s an appointment.”
Jeng swallows thickly. He shakes his head and then wraps his arms around his knees, gaze fixed on the wall opposite of him now. Karn doesn’t understand him and he honestly doesn’t have the nerve to explain it to him. There’s already pain bubbling up from deep inside, alongside the voice in his head that keeps repeating like a mantra: I told you so I told you so I told you so
“Jeng, please,” Karn says with barely any patience in his voice, hand wandering across the sheets until they touch his arm again. But Jeng pulls his body further away.
“You’re free to leave. It’s not like I’m keeping you here.”
With another defeated exhale Karn seems to give up whatever he was even attempting to achieve. Jeng pretends it doesn’t hurt like hell that Karn can’t even invest mere minutes into figuring out his feelings or simply giving him an explanation. So, it really was just sex for old times sake.
Karn stands up but doesn’t leave just yet. He keeps his eyes on Jeng. “This was nothing casual for me.”
“Great,” Jeng huffs and turns his head to look for his clothes. His phone should be in there too. “Noted.”
“Look, I wish I had the time so we can talk about this. Trust me, this appointment can’t wait.”
“Trust you?!” Jeng repeats. “Sure, I already waited over a decade to know what made you hate me so suddenly, so of course I can wait some time more. No big deal. It’s just me, right?”
“Jeng, I don’t hate you?” Karn says with honest confusion in his voice.
“And you expect me to believe you just like this?” Jeng asks, fisting the sheets while trying to slowly calm his aching heart. “Karn, in all honesty: Do you even hear yourself? Tell me what exactly about your cold and hostile behavior towards me should have signaled to me that you don’t hate me? And I’m not even taking into account the decade-long phase of no contact at all.”
He observes how Karn’s face turns into a cold, almost empty expression and it gives him goosebumps. It’s really like he can witness Karn switching his personas, putting on this icy mask right in front of his eyes. Karn gnaws on his lips for a moment before he checks his phone another time.
“Okay, give me a few minutes and then we can talk. Please?”
Before Jeng gets the chance to answer, Karn already has his phone pressed to his ear and he’s off the bed, wandering into the nearby room.
With shaking hands and a heavy heart Jeng lets his head fall back against the headboard with a thud. He contemplates for just a moment to leave because that voice inside his head tells him to give Karn a taste of his own medicine. However, the longing in his heart to finally understand what he’s done wrong in the past, what made Karn fall out of love with him, to get some answers after all this time is stronger. There is just no way Jeng imagined the deep feelings within Karn’s gaze and his touch last night. This was not only a craze of lust, right?
While Karn is still speaking on the phone, Jeng stumbles out of bed to get to the neat pile of his clothes. Firstly he retrieves his own phone to finally find out that it's only six in the morning. Naturally there are no notifications from any of his friends. Lastly he gathers underwear, shirt and pants in his arms and then flees inside the bathroom, locking the door behind himself.
It’s really only to give himself some time to breathe since he’s already showered the night before. Being so close to having an actual answer is scaring Jeng a lot more than he’d like to admit. He waited a lifetime for this. He actually lived an entirely different life between parting ways with Karn and now he’s conflicted if he really wants to know. Because as usual: the truth hurts. And he knows it will.
Jeng feels a little more prepared with a barrier of clothes now, even if he wishes he had some fresh ones to change into. It will do for now. When he exits the bathroom, Karn is already waiting for him on the edge of the bed, elbows on his knees, head propped on his folded hands.He looks up with a cautious gaze when he hears Jeng. It’s still so prominent, so easy to spot that he’s put up his walls again.
“Sit down,” Karn instructs and pats the mattress beside him. Jeng immediately notices that the sheets are folded on top of the bed, all evidence of the night before gone.
Instead of listening to him, Jeng brings over one of the weirdly shaped lounging chairs and sits down opposite of Karn with more than an arm-length of distance between them. He immediately pulls up his feet and wraps his arms around his legs again.
“So, how much time do we have before you have to run off?” Jeng can’t help but ask, not able to bite his tongue to keep the sarcastic comment to himself.
Karn sighs and mimics his pose slightly, bringing one leg over the other while crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Jeng, can we please drop this attitude? I want to have a calm and normal conversation with you.”
“Why did it take you weeks and a night of sex to finally do that? Why not approach me any time before that?”
“I was not prepared to have you so close to me again, I didn’t know it was you who took the position at the hospital. I needed time.”
Jeng squints his eyes. “Time for what exactly? To muster up the courage to simply greet me like a civilized human being?”
“Jeng, please. Just hear me out instead of throwing accusations my way, this won’t achieve anything.”
He rolls his eyes but ends up gesturing for Karn to continue, nerves bubbling underneath his skin, heart ready to be broken another time. Karn pushes his glasses up his nose even if they are still sitting in the right place. A nervous habit that he always had and still maintains it seems.
“Running into you on that first day, it felt like I was confronted with a ghost from the past so unexpected that I just didn’t know what to do or say and then you were gone again. I haven’t entertained the thought of seeing you again for a long time, probably years at this point and I don’t want to assume things, but you seemed pretty shaken up by it as well, right?”
Karn pauses for a moment, waiting for Jeng to nod his head once. Then he continues.
“So I didn’t know how to approach you, as well as not knowing what to even say to you. You’ve lived your own life for so long now without me in it, I just couldn’t imagine how I’m supposed to fit into it now, even just as your colleague. I also didn’t want others to figure out that there’s history between us, because I know you were a private person back then and I didn’t want to cause you any more trouble.”
Jeng huffs out a humorless laugh. He wants to comment on it, wants to tell Karn that tugging him away from a work event where all of their colleagues were there to witness very obvious hints that there’s something going on between them contradicts that statement. Having given his consent to it, willingly participating in it, it makes him bite his tongue however.
“I wanted to talk to you at some point, if you wanted to talk to me too,” Karn keeps going. He strokes a hand through his hair and shakes his head to himself. “I surely didn’t plan for this to happen,” he gestures between them and the large hotel room. “Because this is not the environment that is needed to have a rational talk.”
“So… do you regret last night?” Jeng just has to ask here, nails digging into the fabric of his pants so deep that he can feel it on his skin. But he loses the painful hold on himself as he sees Karn’s face soften, arms unfolding before he shrugs.
“Of course I don’t. Do you?”
With his breath stuck for a moment, Jeng can only shake his head.
“I just don’t know where this leaves us now, because one night surely can’t make up for the gaping hole of years of absence.”
Jeng releases the hold on his legs and leans forward a bit more. His heart is pounding so hard inside his chest that it feels like falling out of his ribcage.
“Karn,” he whispers, scared that he’s so close to having truthful answers and not just speculations made by friends to mend to his broken heart in the past. “I don’t even know what I did that resulted in those years of absence. Can you at least tell me now?”
Karn takes in a deep, almost shuddering breath. His gaze wanders. Where a moment before there was a confident doctor sitting in front of Jeng, straight posture and focused, cold eyes, there’s a man in his place instead, struggling to find the right words, fingers tapping nervously against his knee.
“There’s nothing really that you have done or that I have done for that matter, at least I believe so. I think it’s rather a result of many things including my obvious declining mental health at that time. It’s one of the bigger parts actually. It’s needless to tell you that I was pretty much empty at the end of the first year of med school. I mean, you caught me so many times being wide awake at night, unable to go back to sleep. Or you probably also remember how often you had to force me to have a meal with you. When I told you after our exams that I wouldn’t have made it without you - I really meant it, literally.”
Of course Jeng remembers it all no matter how much he tried to push those memories away in the last few weeks. However, he never really considered that there was more to it. He kind of always assumed that Karn was stressed out on a regular level just like most of their peers were at that time. It’s a very common experience for all med students.
“You didn’t tell me about this at all and you went on vacation with your parents just as planned, no?”
“I did. I didn’t have a diagnosis for my symptoms back then. Or at least my father didn’t tell me about it.”
Jeng furrows his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”
Once more he watches how Karn lifts his glasses without any need for it. “He had me see a specialist, someone he's close with. He ended up prescribing me medication to help with my sleep problems. Neither of them told me that there actually was something seriously wrong with me. It was, and I quote my father here, to help me stay focused and to make me fall asleep more easily. Not a day went by where he didn’t drill into my head how important it was for me, for the family and for his name to keep my grades up at all times.”
“Karn, you were one of the best?!”
“I needed to be the best, that’s all that mattered to my father.”
“And then what? You kept taking these meds blindly, forgot about me and hyper focused on your father’s command?”
Another wave of despair washes over Karn’s face. Jeng isn’t quite sure if he can see tears in the corner of Karn’s eyes or if it’s a reflection of his glasses.
“I’m not proud to admit that yes, I did exactly that. Except one thing: I didn’t forget about you. Not at all, Jeng. I was really trapped inside my head at that time and the medication makes me even more introverted then I already am. To most people I also seem cold and uncaring. But I really never once intended to forget about you. I felt deeply ashamed of the burdens I put on you and the longer the distance became I understood why you never reached out again. I was undesirable, couldn’t even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. So I can’t really blame you for it.”
“But… I did reach out to you?” Jeng interjects. “Not while you were gone with your family because I knew how strict your father was and I imagined he looked down on me. On the two of us together actually, even saw me as a distraction on your path to become a doctor. When you came back to campus though I tried to get hold of you, but you were suddenly always with your other friends and whenever I asked them to tell you to meet up with me for a proper talk you never once showed up.”
“Oh,” Karn breathes, gaze dropping to the floor while his eyebrows knit together in a tight expression.
Jeng keeps on explaining his side of things: “I understood that what we had surely wasn’t the healthiest relationship since we were so codependent. The fear of having to go through this difficult period of time alone was one of the reasons we never really talked about these feelings properly, too scared it was going to slip out of our hands. Not really ever having the chance to find out why exactly things happened the way they did, that’s what left scars. I could handle your friend group looking down on me, constantly telling me about the imbalance in our professions, that dentistry is no match to a real medical faculty like yours. But to think that you’d share the same opinion as them, that you put your career over everything else and that you never even came to me to tell me these things face to face…” With fresh tears gathering in his eyes, Jeng has to look away as well.
“No, Jeng, that’s not true.”
He lifts his gaze again when he can feel Karn’s hand on his thigh. Karn is before him now, crouching on the floor and looking up at him with shaking eyes. “I’ve never thought about you in that way. And none of them ever said anything to me about you wanting to meet up. I’ve never managed to pick up the phone myself because I was genuinely scared you’d say all these nasty things to my face that were in my head. Because to me there was no other explanation than you seeing me as this pathetic shell of a human being that you were sick of having to take care of.”
“Karn,” Jeng says with his heart so heavy as he figures out the many things that have gone wrong. “I wanted to confess my love to you when you came back and we’d start that second year together. I already had made up my mind of including you in my future plans. I called you, I texted you, I stood outside your room, but you never answered.”
Karn’s fingers curl tightly against Jeng’s thigh and he starts to shake his head in disbelief. “I would have answered you within a breath, Jeng. I would have, but I never received a call or text from you. I never had anyone knocking on my door except for people from my old friend group back then.”
“So, all of this was… it was a misunderstanding?! A result of the people around you wanting to break us apart?” Jeng asks with his voice cracking at the end.
Karn’s shoulders drop. He lets out a deep and heavy sigh. “I don’t know? I can’t tell. I always assumed it was a multitude of things and that you must have lost interest in me, in us and I just… I don’t know.”
A moment of silence falls over them in which Jeng can’t even look at Karn. He has his face turned away, instead looking towards the floor-length windows in the next room, seeing the sun slowly coming to live, greeting the new day. But the rays of sunlight don’t reach them, blocked by the curtains still partly closed.
Jeng rubs his eyes with the back of his hand quickly. Then he lets his heart continue digging for answers. “Did you never, in all those years, want to have clarification? It’s not like it’s been a few years, Karn. We have lived entire lives since then and you just… you let that time pass without ever thinking about me?”
“Of course I thought about it, especially after I got into my position at the hospital and I thought I had achieved what my father wanted. But it’s like you said: You have lived a lifetime without me in it, why would I, a ghost of the past, just a short chapter in your life, reappear and bring chaos into it again?” Karn explains with his voice tight. “And once I had an independent specialist diagnose me properly I had to accept that things happened the way they did. That I’d live this way, that I let you slip out of my hands and that it was good for you that you got away. I imagined that you’d already be successful with your own clinic, maybe had a new partner, possibly even started a family. I didn’t want to meddle."
“Karn,” Jeng whispers helplessly. His throat is clogging up, making it impossible to tell him how wrong his assumption is. If he’d have come back into his life at any point, Jeng is positive it wouldn't have compared to the chaos that Jeng has managed to bring to his life all on his own.
“Look, I need you to know this: I’m still in treatment, I still have to rely on medication for my anxiety and to prevent another burn out. I know it’s a poor excuse, but it’s an explanation for the way I behaved around you in the last weeks. It makes me seem like I’m cold and focused the majority of the time, but I’ve never been uncaring - especially not towards you. If anything then I’ve noticed that I still care so much about you. And like I said before: I don’t regret what happened last night, I just wish this conversation right now would have taken place under different circumstances.”
At this point Jeng doesn’t only hurt from tearing up all those old wounds and digging into memories he buried so deep inside, he also hurts for Karn and the loss of their relationship due to nothing but misunderstandings and other people wanting to have control over Karn.
“So what happens now?”
Karn sucks in a sharp breath. It takes him a long moment to find a response to Jeng’s question. Eventually he starts to brush his thumb over Jeng’s leg and shrugs slightly. “I wish I could tell you,” he says, bringing his other hand to his chin, touching over the stubble of hair that showed up there overnight. “I still care deeply about you, Jeng. If anything then the previous night showed me how much exactly. I’m sorry for making you believe for so many years that it’s not been the case. I can’t really offer you to turn back time and undo the things from the past, don’t be so blinded by other people, but… I’m foolish enough to offer you this: another try, another chance.”
With his heart now hammering inside his chest, Jeng is left speechless with all his emotions bubbling up, resulting in more tears burning up his eyes. He’s unable to wrap his mind around the offer Karn is making before Karn’s phone interrupts the heavy silence another time.
Karn’s face turns sour, but he holds up his finger to Jeng. “I have to take this, I’m sorry,” he says and lets Jeng sit there again. This time Jeng doesn't wait until Karn comes back. Instead he gets up and walks closer to the living area. Karn doesn’t look behind as he stands in front of the windows, talking to another person.
“I will be there as soon as I can. I told you Pong will cover for me for the time being, it’s not a big deal.”
Jeng reaches his hand out for the massive dresser on the wall, seeking for something to brace. And it’s like his subconscious knows it’s needed as he keeps on listening to Karn.
“No, Pa. This couldn’t wait, one missed meeting won’t make a difference. I will make up for it, I promise. It will be fine. They were at the event last night as well, they will understand.”
A cold, uncomfortable prickle of dread runs down Jeng’s spine as he hears those words coming out of Karn’s mouth. Pa. All of a sudden Jeng is wide awake, almost as if someone just poured a bucket of ice water over his head. All those things Karn just told him lose their sincerity instantly. Jeng stands there in shock, in disbelief that he really entertained the thought of Karn’s offer for a second. Even if parts of it are true, that it was a result of a misunderstanding, Karn is still close to the one person that very obviously manipulated him and his life the most.
When Karn turns towards him again, Jeng can now see what he’s been blinded by the night before: he has no idea who this man is, he only shares a handful of memories with him, tinted by a melancholia for a different life he imagined back then. How is he supposed to put trust into someone like Karn again when he’s still close with his father despite everything?
“Jeng,” Karn says cautiously, most likely seeing the shock on Jeng’s face that he’s unable to hide.
“You still talk to him?” he asks unnecessarily.
A shadow passes over Karn’s expression, darkening his eyes and he looks away for the split of a second. “He’s my father,” he eventually says, the short sentence explanation enough.
Jeng huffs while he feels his heart sinking further and further like a deep, dark hole has opened up inside his chest. “I think… I think I have to go.”
“Please, Jeng. Don’t!” Karn takes hold of his wrist before he even has the chance to turn away. His fingers curl tightly around Jeng, almost cutting off his circulation. There’s desperation bleeding inside Karn’s eyes now. “I know what you’re thinking right now, but I can promise you that he’s not playing a significant role in my life anymore. He doesn’t have to be any of your concern. Please don’t let this influence your decision.”
“You almost left me here alone not even half an hour ago and you want me to believe he’s not important to you any longer?”
“Don’t interpret things again without knowing the whole picture. “
“Then tell me, enlighten me.”
Karn takes in a deep breath, fingers still locked around Jeng’s wrist. “I’m after the position of head of department since the current one will be retiring soon. My father is helping me because he knows the right people - that’s all there is to it. He’s not forcing me or anything like that. You don’t have to worry about him at all.”
Jeng is silent for quite a while. He uses that time to take a good look at Karn until he finally removes his arm out of Karn’s hold. He rubs his wrist and then shakes his head, his stomach all heavy. "Karn, I think this isn’t a good idea.”
“But you-”
“No, please. Let me say this,” he interrupts him instantly. “We don’t really know each other. I mean, I barely recognize you. You and I both, we’re completely different people with vastly different lives and goals now that have developed over the years - separate from each other. We live in two worlds that are kilometers apart. I don’t see how this, last night and what could follow, is not only rekindling old flames and forcing ourselves to bring back old times. We’re not twenty anymore with all this time and all those dreams ahead of us. I mean you want to become head of department. Your goal is clear and within reach, there’s no room for me there and I honestly don’t want you to change anything about that either.”
“You can’t know this, Jeng,” Karn is quick to reply. “None of us can say so. But you’re not even giving it a chance.”
“Karn, I truly loved you back then and I’d given everything for another chance ten years ago. Now, I barely see the young, ambitious man I once would have shared everything within you. You were honest with me so I’ll do so as well: Of course I will always harbor deep feelings for you, probably until the rest of my life. You were my first love, but I don’t think the embers of feelings will be enough to rebuild a relationship. And attempting to do so just to fail again, I don’t think I can handle this a second time.”
By the end Jeng feels hot, burning tears slowly running down his face. Despite the grief for his younger self and what could have been if the situation hadn’t been so tricky, Jeng still doesn’t feel regret for the previous night. This conversation surely could have happened under different circumstances. But in some way all the tension of the last months has deflated at once like this and Jeng feels like he can see more clearly now.
When Karn speaks again his voice sounds unusually small. “I’m not asking you to jump back into a relationship with me. It’s about a second chance, just giving it another try now that we know what went wrong in the past.”
It’s difficult for Jeng to step closer to Karn when he actually should run the opposite direction. Still, he brings his hand up until he has Karn’s face cupped into his palm, feeling his body heat against his skin. “Be honest with yourself, Karn. You don’t know the me of today either. And there are other things you need to focus on right now: Your career and more importantly your health. It’s for the best if we try to arrange how to work together as colleagues. It won’t be as heartbreaking if we also fail at that.” His hand slips away and he lowers his gaze as well. “I’ll leave now,” he announces before Karn has the chance to stop him another time. With his few belongings stuffed into the pockets of his suit, Jeng doesn’t turn around, unable to see Karn’s face as he lets him down like this.