Work Text:
On one boring noon, Osomatsu woke up after a long night of playing pachinko. He noticed that his brothers were not present inside the house. On the table, he saw a big shiny belt surrounded by armbands and a cap next to it. Osomatsu walked towards it and tried to digest the meaning of such a display. He then stared at the wall where a portrait of John Cena was making his signature 'you can't see me' pose.
Suddenly, Osomatsu had every answer to the world. This is the day when he must fulfill his destiny as told by the Doctor of Thugnomics. As a blessed member of the Cenation, he must mimic his idol John Cena and tell the world about the wisdom of Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect ©.
Osomatsu took off his pajamas and changed into an orange 'Never Give Up' Cena shirt and jorts. He then put on the armband with 'u ₡ me' embedded on it. He stared at the portrait of John Cena on the wall, who had bestowed his name upon his dear follower.
Osomatsu is now “Oso Cena”.
Oso Cena is almost done with the dress up. The only thing missing is the WWE title on his shoulder when suddenly the windows shattered. Smokes are seen and beers are smelled. Oso Cena knows who that is. It’s a mimicker of Stone Cold Steve Austin and he knows one brother who would idolized such manly, well-loved, leather vest-wearing wrestler and that’s no other than his fame hungry brother Karamatsu or is now known as Stone Cold Kara Austin. Oso almost thought his painful brother looked really cool, chugging down beer and giving Oso double middle fingers, but Oso knows his brother. Stone Cold Kara Austin is a lightweight when it comes to alcohol, and now he looks like a mess. His hair was sticking out from under his bald cap (why didn't he just shave his hair?)
Stone Cold Kara Austin then walked towards his stunned older brother and poked him in the eyeball. Kara then kicked Oso in the crotch and gave him a stunner. Kara just whooped his older brother's ass on the ground. Matsuyo and Matsuzo then entered the room dressed as referees. Kara pinned Oso and Matsuyo counted 1, then 2, then 3. Stone Cold Kara Austin defeated Oso Cena.
As Oso Cena writhed in pain, Stone Cold Kara Austin then took the shiny golden WWE championship belt with him. Matsuzo then dragged his defeated eldest son out of the room, but Oso Cena kept reaching out to Kara, begging him to give the title back. Kara then turned back his drunk ass towards Oso Cena.
Stone Cold Kara then held a mic and delivered his award-winning wrestling promo.
“The first thing I want to be done is to get this piece of crap out of my room. Don’t just get him out of the room, get him out of the house because I’ve proved, brother, without a shadow of a doubt, you ain’t got what it takes anymore! You sit there and thump your porn mag and you say your prayers and it didn’t get you anywhere. Talk about your psalms, talk about John 3:16... Kara 3:16 says I just whopped your ass!” Matsuyo then facepalmed and told Karamatsu that’s not necessary. Stone Cold Kara Austin then continued his promo. “All he’s gotta do is go buy some cheap bowl of oden and try to dig back some of that courage he had in his prime. As far as this championship match is concerned, I don’t give a damn if it’s Choro Matsu Punk or Ichitaker. My time has come, and that’s the bottomline, because Stone Cold Kara Austin said so.”
These words, that promo, Oso Cena will never forget. He may have been humiliated, but he has not given up. John Cena never gives up and so will he. Oso needs to search his inner Cena, his Super Cena.