Work Text:
Jamie always came home from therapy in a whirlwind. Roy had given up trying to anticipate what sort of Jamie whirlwind he was going to get as there was no way of telling. Today it was a positive Jamie whirlwind and Roy felt his whole body loosen with Jamie’s slam of the front door and a yell of, “guess what Isa gave me!”
“Shoes!” Roy yelled. It was closely followed by a couple of thumps of Jamie kicking his shoes onto the rack. Jamie was a good roommate most of the times, Roy had never been happier than when he got to wake up next to Jamie on a morning, but when he was excited about something he had the attention span of a gopher. He would be tracking mud everywhere or leaving his shoes there for Roy to fall over in the morning.
“Look,” Jamie announced, thrusting a little book into Roy’s hands before flopping down next to him on the settee. “Isa gave it to me for homework,” he explained. Roy ran his fingers over the shiny front cover; it was bright yellow with a cartoon cup of tea on the front, the cup of tea had a smile and a noodle armed thumbs up, and underneath was Positivi-tea in bubble writing. Isa was Jamie’s new therapist; Doctor Fieldstone was a miracle worker but she wasn’t trained for all the thoughts rattling around Jamie’s brain. Jamie had been understandably nervous to start off with but Isa was a couple of years older than him and went about their therapy sessions more like they were chats in a coffee shop. She didn’t flinch at any of Jamie’s habits and knew when to call him on his bullshit. It had taken Jamie a while to get used to homework but now he was thriving in another environment where he could be good at something.
“Ok?” Roy raised his eyebrows turning to look at Jamie.
“It’s because I tend to forget stuff before our sessions and like overwork and undereat and things. I’m supposed to plan my day,” Jamie curled into Roy’s side to open the book and flick through the pages, “and then tick things off as I do them. Also to write down any thoughts I have that I might want to bring up with Isa so I don’t forget them.”
“That’s a good idea,” Roy nodded, closing the book and passing it back to Jamie. “You never do get enough water,” he added.
Jamie rolled his eyes with a soft smile. “Yeah, yeah I know grandad.”
Jamie’s journal became a prominent point in their lives as soon as he introduced it. Jamie sat at breakfast each morning and filled it in for that day. Roy left him to it to start off with but then after a few days Roy was not very subtly peering over his shoulder and making suggestions. First it was just things like mixing in electrolytes into the water tracking. Then it shifted to his work out schedules but that was just an extension of his responsibilities as Jamie’s head coach. Then it shifted to planning his day around what Jamie was writing in a morning; that was when it became less subtle.
“Babe come on,” Jamie whined.
“Nope, it’s yoga time,” Roy scolded, lying out their mats on the floor and turning the TV off.
“You haven’t stopped all day. Hell all week!” Jamie sighed, not moving from the settee despite Roy’s usually very effective glare. “Have you even been sleeping?” he asked.
“Of course,” Roy growled. He wasn’t lying, not really; Roy had been trying to sleep but every time his head hit the pillow and Jamie was starfished next to him, his mind flew back to their schedule. Roy liked looking after people and Jamie had been so kind and willing to have Roy living in his pocket. The least Roy could do was help Jamie with his positive habits therapy homework. It wasn’t entirely altruistic; it made Roy happy to look after Jamie and he got his star player in prime condition. The problem was that being Head Coach was a lot of work. Ted made it look easy but Roy was now starting to think that Ted did not take being Head Coach as seriously as Roy did. He was staying late after the boys left to make sure all the paperwork was done and he did all of his interviews and the plans were ready for the next day and then he was rushing home to make dinner and ensure that Jamie was hitting all of his macros. Then some nights Jamie had scheduled fun time and he wanted Roy there for whatever joy bringing thing he had decided on that week. Roy’s brain was still running a mile a minute when he tried to sleep.
“Certainly doesn’t seem like it,” Jamie muttered under his breath.
“Yoga come on,” Roy scolded, pointing down at the mat.
“No,” Jamie crossed his arms over his chest, sinking back into the settee cushions.
“No?” Roy growled.
“Yeah, I don’t wanna. It’s not going to end the world if I don’t tick all of the boxes every day,” Jamie stared Roy down. Roy stood there, arms hanging limply by his sides. The world narrowed and Roy could feel something burrowing in his chest. It was, somehow for Roy it was the end of the world if Jamie didn’t tick all of the boxes; he needed Jamie to do everything that was planned.
“Fine, screw it then!” And Roy stormed off out of the back door.
Roy sat on the chair in the garden trying not to shiver in the early spring night air. He shouldn’t be out here just in joggers and a t-shirt but going back inside would be conceding defeat, and he wasn’t ready to do that yet. Roy didn’t even really know why he had yelled at Jamie for something as stupid as not wanting to do yoga. He just … it sounded stupid to even think it. Roy groaned and carried on throwing the tennis ball he had found on the floor against the fence. This whole list thing had been really good for Jamie and really good for their relationship; Roy didn’t want to ruin that now that they had something really nice going. He didn’t want to be the reason that Jamie got worse again. The lists were something actionable that Roy could do for the person that meant the world to him. Yes he was losing some sleep and he probably wasn’t looking after himself as well as he should be, but Jamie’s health mattered more. Jamie mattered so goddamn much, and now Roy might be losing him because he was too much again. It was a repeat of every single relationship that Roy had ever been part of. He really had thought Jamie would be different. They lived in each other’s pockets before they got together. The thump of the tennis ball on the fence was repetitive and was doing a lot to sooth his frayed nerved. Roy would have to go in there at some point but that point was not right now.
“I may have overreacted,” Roy lingered in the doorway to their bedroom a couple of hours later.
“You don’t say,” Jamie muttered under his breath. He put his phone down on the bedside table and crossed his arms over his chest. “So what was that about then?” he asked, shuffling in place to fold his legs underneath him before patting the bed on Roy’s side.
“Nothing, it’s was stupid,” Roy grumbled. His feet were leaden, unable to move even if he did want to get into bed with Jamie.
“It was stupid but it weren’t nothing,” Jamie raised his eyebrow. “Sit.”
That time his tone brokered no argument and Roy found his legs freed from their mental prison and walking robotically over to perch on the edge of the bed. The tension in Jamie’s jaw eased slightly as the mattress dipped. But then Roy didn’t move any further.
“Oh come on. Sit properly,” Jamie grabbed onto Roy’s shoulder and pulled him backwards. Roy flopped, staring up at the ceiling as he sighed.
“I didn’t mean to snap,” Roy whispered.
“You did a fair job of it for someone who didn’t mean to,” Jamie scoffed.
Roy groaned.
“What’s wrong then?” Jamie continued to push.
“I, I want you to be healthy and the best you can be,” Roy hissed.
“Aww babe,” Jamie cooed. Roy looked up and glowered at the shit eating grin painted all over Jamie’s face.
“Oh shut up,” Roy growled.
“No but like. I get it right. You like looking after people and I’m amazing so of course you want to look after me,” Jamie shrugged.
“I know it’s too much.”
“I didn’t say that did I?” Jamie’s smile twisted into a frown. Roy hated that it was him that put that frown there. Even in trying to be helpful and useful Roy had managed to fuck his relationship up yet again.
“Everyone always does,” Roy snapped.
“Ay, none of that. I ain’t everyone,” Jamie bristled like that was the worst possible insult. “I love it. But I want you to look after you and I don’t want you driving yourself off a cliff for my sake,” his tone softened and somehow Roy felt even more guilty.
“I’m fine.”
“A fine Roy would not be yelling at me about not wanting to do yoga,” Jamie sighed, running a hand through his hair. “The book is helping but I think out of the two of us you’re more obsessed with the book with me. I love the care but I hate you running yourself into the ground,” he added.
This was it. This was the point Jamie was going to break up with him and Roy didn’t know if he would survive this one. His whole life was centred around Jamie; his job was about the team which involved Jamie, they lived together, all their friendship groups were the same. That was part of the problem it seemed.
“I have an idea but I want you to actually listen and think about this before you react,” Jamie shuffled over closer to Roy. He heaved a winded exhale when Jamie dropped something with very sharp edges onto his chest. Roy lifted his head up to look at one of the ring bound AFC Richmond branded notebooks from his desk in the office. He looked back at Jamie, eyebrow raised. “Well see my journal has been great at making sure we are doing all the stuff for me. What if you had one?” Jamie whispered.
“Me, a therapy journal?” Roy finally was motivated to sit up and slump against the headboard next to Jamie.
“Of sorts,” Jamie smiled softly. “See you like helping me right, and being useful?”
“Right,” Roy admitted through gritted teeth. He did not come and agree to listen to Jamie just to have all of his raw soft spots prodded.
“And I like being looked after and being needed,” Jamie continued.
“Right?” Roy repeated but this time it was paired with a frown and running his fingers around the edges of the book. He had no clue where this was going and Roy didn’t like being involved in conversations where he had no clue where they were going.
“So, what if at home I’m the boss?” Jamie squeaked.
“What?” Roy growled. That was not anywhere near any guesses he could have made.
“Listen right. So the idea would be that I fill your book …” he pointed at the book in Roy’s hands “… with a plan for the day. That plan will be all the stuff you need to do to be healthy and also support me as a coach and as my partner. All you would then need to do is follow the plan in the book and tick off the tasks.”
“This is insane,” Roy whispered, despite it not actually feeling that insane. He flicked the book open and Jamie had already been writing in it. The inside of the front cover was filled with a list of rules for the both of them.
- Be honest with each other: if this is not working for either party then we stop before it effects the relationship
That was strangely considerate from Jamie and it warmed Roy’s cold heart that this relationship clearly meant as much to Jamie as it did to him.
“It’s not that insane. I just want you to let me look after you. You can’t say it wouldn’t be a weight off not to have to make so many decisions in a day. You can just focus on the decisions for the team,” Jamie continued to ramble.
- Roy promises to complete the tasks in this book to the best of his ability as Jamie instructs
It would be a weight off to not have to carry on thinking when he got home. He had loved looking after Jamie and helping Jamie but the pressure on him to always make the right choice and do the right thing was giving him headaches and disrupting his sleep. He hadn’t snapped at Jamie like that since their first weeks of dating and it was all over one missed yoga session.
- If Roy is unable to complete one of the tasks, he tells Jamie as soon as possible
“This feels, like … I’m not a child Jamie,” Roy argues.
“I never said you were grandad. The things we get up to would be a tad more illegal if you were,” Jamie rolled his eyes, dodging the swat from Roy with a practiced ease.
“You know what I mean. I don’t need someone telling me what to do. I can make my own decisions,” he huffed.
“Yeah, not arguing that Royo. But do you want to?” Jamie asked.
Roy opened his mouth to argue but nothing came out. Did he want to? He was overwhelmed with it all; he hadn’t realised how much work being a manager was and he wanted to be a good partner for Jamie and there were ten million drains on his time and only twenty four hours in the day. Roy was putting himself bottom of the list and he was tired.
- Jamie promises to be considerate of Roy’s time and needs in planning out the tasks in the book
“I know you, better than anyone else does. And I won’t put you last. Let me take the weight Roy,” Jamie smiles, pecking Roy on the cheek and lacing his fingers through Roy’s hair.
“This is cheating,” Roy whispered against his lips. Jamie’s fingers wounds around his curls and tugged every so lightly. Jamie knew exactly what it did to him when his hair was played with.
“Just using my charms,” Jamie giggled. “What do you think? You trust me?”
- If Jamie has something to add to the book he informs Roy as soon as possible
“Always. I just … I don’t know what it’ll be like,” Roy sighed. “Will I have to … like ask you to piss and stuff?”
“Kinky,” Jamie muttered but his smile flickered at Roy’s glare. “No, not if you don’t want to. It will be just be like a to do list. Just a more severe one with expectations that you do everything on the list in good time,” Jamie explained, pulling away and leaving Roy chasing after the heat of his body. “Anything else, as long as it doesn’t violate anything on the list … that’s fine.”
- Punishments for not completing the tasks in the book to be left to Jamie’s discretion but not to cause harm or be sexual
“And if I don’t?” Roy asked, eyes drifting to the sixth and final rule on the list.
“Then the behaviour will be corrected,” Jamie shrugged.
“I ain’t some fucking dog spit it out,” Roy snapped.
“Hey!” Jamie yelled, startling Roy with it’s abrasive loudness. “If you don’t want to do this then tell me to fuck off and we’ll spot but I am trying …” Jamie poked him in the chest “… to do something good for you so at least treat that with respect.”
Roy took a deep inhale through his nose. “Sorry,” he apologised.
“I know this is stabbing at your fucking masculinity and big tough man Roy Kent persona or whatever but I just want to help. Stop fighting …” Jamie’s voice faded away and his eyes went somewhere else for a moment.
“What? What was that about?” Roy muttered snapping in front of his face.
Jamie startled back into awareness. “Yeah, no, you know people say that we are a lot alike?” he sighed.
“Yeah, I don’t see it though,” Roy frowned.
“Me neither but Keeley had this exact conversation with me when I was prick Jamie. Stop fighting people that are trying to help you.” Jamie shook his head. “But it’s true. I want to help you. Let me help you.”
“Stop fighting people that are trying to help you.”
Roy could do that. He didn’t want to fight with Jamie. The time he was fighting with Jamie was exhausting, it was hot and he now knew it was pig tail pulling to the extreme, but it was exhausting and he didn’t want to do that anymore.
“Ok,” Roy sighed.
“Ok?” Jamie’s eyes lit up.
“Ok. And I’m not going to go on about it,” Roy snapped.
“And I am not going to make you. I promise, this will help,” Jamie wrapped him up in a hug.
“Yeah alright you sap,” Roy rolled his eyes.
“I am a sap about you,” Jamie grinned, burrowing into his rightful place in Roy’s arms.
There was quiet for a moment but Roy couldn’t stop the word punishments rolling around in his mind. He had done some kinky shit in his time in the bedroom but it had never left the bedroom.
“This isn’t some sex shit is it?” Roy broke the peace of their cuddle.
“No … unless you want it to be?” Jamie replied uncertainly, tightening his hold around Roy’s waist.
“No, no,” Roy growled.
Jamie loosened. “Oh thank god,” he laughed. “It’s not that I don’t like stuff in the bedroom, I am all down for stuff in the bedroom but I don’t feel good about any like telling what to do with sex stuff. Like me or you. Unless you want to give it a try, I can give it a try,” Jamie rambled.
“Jamie,” Roy tightened his grasp on his trembling boyfriend. “I don’t want that in bed,” he clarified and Jamie nodded against his chest.
“Good, good yeah,” Jamie stammered.
Roy didn’t mind dominance and submission in bed, he was just more of a naturally dominant personality in bed. He tried to imagine Jamie looming over him and telling him what to do and he just couldn’t without his shoulders tensing up.
“I also won’t do hitting,” Jamie blurted out.
Christ Roy hadn’t even thought about that.
“I won’t hit my partner I just won’t do it, even if you …”
“Jamie,” Roy interrupted the spiral before Jamie could pull himself down into a pit. “I don’t want you to. We can add it to the list of rules if you want but I trust you’ll never hurt me and I’ll never hurt you,” Roy kissed the top of his head and paused for a second to inhale the scent of Jamie’s orange scented volume enhancing conditioner.
“We don’t need to write it down, I trust you,” Jamie whispered.
“You’re in charge boss. I trust you,” Roy smiled, the smile growing as Jamie chuckled.
The book was meticulous. Jamie had nice handwriting and if you ignored the numerous spelling mistakes it was quite impressive. There was an hour by hour plan and a to do list and Roy was initially overwhelmed. But then they started doing it. Roy woke up at six when his alarm went off. The book listed a whole group of things he needed to do before they set off for training at nine. Most of the things on the list was what he was expecting but there was more. Jamie had laid out the clothes he was expecting Roy to wear; yes they were things from his wardrobe and they were comfortable and the trainers had insoles that would make being on his feet all day fine, but it was still unexpected. Jamie had written in the book what he expected to have for breakfast and that he expected Roy to eat it too; it was from Roy’s recipe book and made use of some of the veg they needed to eat up. Generally, it was thought out and considerate in a way that he hadn’t considered when he had signed up for this. Jamie’s book was similar but less regimented, that was what Roy had been expecting.
However he got up at six when his alarm was set to go and he got dressed in the clothes that Jamie had left out for him and did his stretches while Jamie did his statics and went for a jog. And with each thing he did he ticked in the little box next to it and felt his heart flutter. He was doing the right thing and Jamie looked over his shoulder at the boxes ticked off, pressing a kiss to Roy’s kiss and whispering, “proud of you babe.” Now that was lightning. His skin was tingling and he had to roll his shoulders and shake his hands out before he immediately went back to the list to see what was next.
“So?” Jamie asked, making grabby hands for the book that evening when they settled down for bed at the scheduled 10pm. “How was it?”
“Oh stop looking so smug,” Roy huffed, tossing the book so it clattered Jamie in the nose.
“Not the face!” he squeaked, rolling onto Roy in his dramatic flailing. “Really though, how was it?” Jamie’s expression was still soft and light but Roy hadn’t made a career out of Jamie Tartt whispering without being able to see the uncertainty hiding within him.
“It was good.”
“It was good?” Jamie’s smile lit up. “It was great for me,” he wrapped himself around Roy’s arm. “You were so good doing everything I asked you to and it felt so good knowing that wherever I was and whatever I was doing you were doing what I wanted you to do,” Jamie rambled.
“Did it?” Roy finally started to smile.
“Hell yeah. Knowing my Roy was doing exactly what I need him to for him to be happy and healthy was all I could think about today,” Jamie chuckled, flicking through the book and scanning all the things that Roy had meticulously ticked off throughout the day.
My Roy.
If that didn’t do something to Roy’s heart then nothing ever would. He was Jamie’s and he would do anything that Jamie asked him to for him to keep it that way.
With every tick box and every page and every section of the book that Roy filled out, the anvil on his chest lifted. Roy had been drowning before he left Chelsea. Richmond and Jamie and Phoebe and everything had been keeping him afloat but he was still treading water and flailing. This, what he had now with Jamie in their relationship, this was flying. He hadn’t felt so content in a long time. Roy was able to look after Jamie by doing what Jamie wanted him to do and that was the best feeling imaginable. Jamie was happy and that was making Roy happy. But just as important to him and more important to Jamie, Roy was lighter and healthier than he had ever been. Allowing Jamie to make the decisions at home meant that Roy didn’t have the pressure on his shoulders anymore, he could focus on the important things. He never found himself stood in the cheese aisle at Morrisons anymore, freezing his tits off, with no clue what he wanted to buy or what he should be eating now he didn’t have a nutritionist.
“Swaps,” Jamie would say on a night and they would swap journals and check in on each other. Jamie would heap the praise on Roy and Roy would soar. Then Jamie would plan out the next day as Roy played with his hair and read whatever crime novel had caught his eye that week.
Life was good.
Roy hadn’t set out that day to test the limits of their arrangement. He had been fine seeing the positives and riding the high of Jamie being so happy. But that day had been a rough one from the start and Roy was not feeling hospitable. To start with he had woken up with stabbing pains through his knee that his usual painkiller regimen didn’t do anything to touch. Jamie had left out his knee brace with Roy’s clothes for the day but he hadn’t put it on, in fact he had actually hidden it in the bottom of the wardrobe hoping that Jamie wouldn’t notice he didn’t have it on. He knew he should be wearing it but Roy hated how clunky and useless it made him feel. By the time the match hit half time, Roy was regretting that decision. There was only one real thing that was causing Roy’s hackles to raise in all of this and that was that Jamie was right; whenever Jamie was asking him to do something it was making him better and that was rubbing at his last nerve for some insane reason. The knee brace didn’t mean anything, it was representative of a wider problem. Roy didn’t think he was meant for submission, despite how amazing it made him feel, and at some point Jamie was going to work that out and leave and it would only be Roy’s fault nothing else. The match itself was messy and Sam sprinted his elbow somehow and Isaac might have a concussion and they still drew nil nil. Roy didn’t remember the speech he gave after and Jamie set off home without Roy as arranged. What was arranged was that Roy would be home by six to have a bath then make dinner. It was currently ten to six and Roy was still sat hunched over his desk. His shoulders were aching and his eyes watering from staring at a screen for too long but he had to come up with a solution; they were mid draw streak and Roy needed to find something to break it.
Reminder – 6pm – Home
His phone flashed with the reminder he had already snoozed twice. He couldn’t go home until he found a solution. He also couldn’t go home because Jamie would be waiting. And Jamie would be disappointed. The words danced on the screen in front of him again and Roy groaned rubbing at his eyes. He wasn’t going to come up with any solutions tonight, but he couldn’t go home either. When he went home he would be in trouble. A new google tab flashed in front of him, but Roy shook his head. A new incognito google tab flashed in front of him. Jamie hadn’t outlined in advance what the punishments would look like, all he had promised was no hitting and no sex related ones.
BDSM punishments
Roy deleted that as quickly as he typed it.
Submissive not following commands punishments
He didn’t like the word submissive. It made him think of a meek little thing in a collar kneeling. Roy wasn’t like that; he was doing all this for Jamie out of a mutual agreement and because he wanted to. Yet he was still rebelling against it wasn’t he? He wouldn’t be here with guilt churning in his gut if he had just followed the instructions Jamie gave him. Roy pressed enter; every entry that met him was about sex. Every page was about chastity and how to fuck you submissive into compliance. Spanking and descriptions about how to make spankings more painful were dotted in between. They had agreed no sex, no pain but the punishments were for Jamie to decide. What was there to say that Jamie wouldn’t decide his infringements made that necessary? Roy closed his eyes and massaged his temples, he was being stupid. Jamie had asked for trust and Jamie had done nothing to make him believe that his trust would be violated. If he did then Roy would walk; he would miss this and his heart ached with even the thought of being without Jamie but he could walk. Roy opened his eyes again and carried on scrolling. Anything that was non sexual was infantilising or involved an ad for a human sized cage. He closed the tab; nothing good was coming out of looking into that in any more detail. The only thing he could do to make this feel better was go home. He wasn’t going to magically be able work out what Jamie had planned and no more work was getting done. The thunk of his laptop closing echoed around the room with a grim finality.
Jamie was sat on the living room settee when Roy came in half an hour late. He was scrolling on his phone with one leg crossed over the other and Roy’s notebook sat on the coffee table in front of him.
“And what time do you call this?” Jamie asked, looking up from his phone with one eyebrow raised.
“Got stuck at work,” Roy muttered. He tucked his shoulder bag in the corner and fussed with his jacket, anything to not look at Jamie directly.
“Lying to me is not going to make my mood any better Roy. Beard and Nate left at the same time as me and there’s no traffic.” The soft plop of Jamie’s phone hitting the settee cushions startled Roy into looking up at Jamie, only for his eyes to hit the floor again. Jamie’s expression was hard and his jawline tense but it was the red bitten indents on his usually soft bottom lip that had the guilt building in Roy’s throat. He had been nervous or worrying in Roy’s absence. It had only bee thirty minutes but Roy had supposed to be home and now he was lying for no fucking reason. What was he doing? He was a man in his forties, Roy could not be getting upset that his younger boyfriend was disappointed in him; that awareness didn’t stop his eyes starting to mist.
“I’m sorry,” Roy whispered.
“Thank you,” Jamie replied, now up on his feet and closing the space between them. “I need you to tell me that you still want to do this. We can burn the book and go cuddle on the settee and pretend this experiment never happened. Or we can carry on and you can be punished for deliberately disobeying a request.” Jamie was about the same height as Roy but in that moment as Jamie came to a stop inches away from him, it felt like Jamie was looming over him. The images of whips and cages flew through Roy’s mind and the stone of guilt in his throat was quickly joined by a wash of bile. “Tell me what you want Roy,” Jamie hooked Roy’s chin with his fingers and pulled his head up to look Jamie in the eye. His stare was probing and inquisitive but surprisingly soft. Jamie wasn’t going to hurt him.
“I want this,” Roy replied, nodding and holding Jamie’s stare as he did. He hadn’t felt this good since he was a young man surrounded by drugs and models. Roy was not going to implode this for himself.
A smile fills Jamie’s face and his tongue flits out to wet that bottom lip. “Good boy,” Jamie chuckles.
“I’m not a fucking dog,” Roy growls.
“Down boy,” Jamie laughs, using one hand to cup the back of Roy’s neck and pull him in close. The other hand palmed at Roy’s ass cheek. “I can treat you like one if you’re going to growl,” he grinned, pecking Roy on the lips. The image of the human sized cage filled his mind again and Roy shook it loose lest he lose his lunch all over Jamie.
“I love you,” Roy said instead, a good catch all when he didn’t know what to say as it brought a bright twinkle to Jamie’s expression no matter the situation.
“I love you too,” Jamie replied with another quick kiss. “That doesn’t mean you are not in trouble though. Go upstairs. Get changed, into the clothes I have laid out this time …”
Roy cursed mentally, of course Jamie had noticed.
“… and then come straight back downstairs.”
The clear instructions left no leeway and Roy was not going to let his misplaced pride get him into even more trouble with Jamie. He wanted this. Roy was not going to implode this for himself like everything else. That knowledge didn’t stop his skin prickling at the thought of what Jamie was going to do to him and what Roy was going to let Jamie do to him. Laid out on their bed was the cursed knee brace that Roy clearly hadn’t done as good a job at hiding as he thought he did. There was also a pair of his old baggy Chelsea shorts and an old t-shirt that he was given for a stupid protein powder advert he did. Roy hated that t-shirt and Jamie knew that Roy hated that t-shirt and only kept it around for DIY, was that all part of the punishment? He pulled on everything that Jamie had left out, even the stupid knee brace and was back downstairs within ten minutes. Roy was not hanging around; he hated waiting and not knowing
“Sit on the chair,” Jamie barked as soon as Roy’s foot hit the bottom step. Even though it had only been ten minutes, Jamie had been busy. One of the dining room chairs that never got used had been dragged into the living room and pushed up against Jamie’s little roller table he used to sit and do work at the settee and both were stashed in the corner.
“Corner time, really,” Roy scoffed before his brain caught up with his mouth.
“Yup,” Jamie popped the word. “Sit, and eat,” he pointed towards the corner.
“This is ridiculous,” Roy muttered.
“What was that Kent?”
“Nothing.” Roy slumped down into the chair.
“Thought so. You are going to drink all that water, eat your tea and then we’ll get to it. Stay in the chair. In silence,” Jamie commanded. Roy looked at the pasta dish in front of him and the weight settled in his stomach before he even lifted the fork. Roy was supposed to be making the lemon mackerel pasta tonight when he got home from work, but he was throwing a little bitch fit and so Jamie had done it. Whatever Jamie had planned to try and make him regret not following through with the rules in the book, this little bowl of steaming hot pasta had done a good job of it itself.
Roy did eat the pasta and downed the water and no sooner had the fork clinked onto his plate as Jamie was there, moving it out of the way. “Well done sweetheart,” Jamie kissed the top of Roy’s head.
“I’m sorry,” Roy muttered.
“I know, but we need you to remember it in that geriatric head of yours don’t we,” Jamie chuckled, giving him a soft squeeze on the back of the neck when Roy growled his protests. The plate was taken and replaced with his book and a pen. Jamie leant on Roy’s shoulder, his arm a source of radiating heat as he flicked the book open to the back page and placed the pen to hold it open. The two pages were empty bar a sentence on the top of each one.
I will call Jamie if I am going to be late so he doesn’t worry
I will wear my knee brace so it doesn’t hurt all day
Fuck.
“Lines, really?” Roy whispered.
“Yes really, as you seem to struggle to remember when I am the one to write it down,” Jamie huffed. “You’ll fill each page, copying that down and I hope that you’ll think about why we are doing this with every line. Don’t move from the chair, don’t turn around.”
“And when I’m done?” Roy asked.
“All is forgiven and we’ll cuddle,” Jamie gave him another comforting squeeze on the back of the neck before retreating back to the settee and turning his game back on. It sounded like Assassin’s Creed but Roy was not going to fall for the trap of turning around to see what Jamie was up to. All being forgiven and a cuddle was feeling really good right now. Jamie was a furnace and the room was cold. Roy’s arms where goosepimpled and he had a light shiver as he rested his elbows on the table. The t-shirt that Jamie had left out didn’t help him conserve any heat. That was probably the plan wasn’t it. The little shit.
Roy hadn’t been able to imagine what BDSM punishments would look like without sex or pain. Jamie clearly had been able to. Initially Roy had looked at the book of lines in front of him and scoffed at it as infantilising and condescending and there was no way that sitting here writing some words was going to work to make him regret being late and not wearing his knee brace. But Jamie hadn’t just made him sit and write lines. Roy rubbed at his side for the third time in what felt like ten minutes. He had remembered why he hated this shirt; the seams itched on his side and the neckline was just an inch or so too tight to be comfortable. Roy wasn’t able to sit still and focus on the lines with this thing throttling him. There was also no way to see the clock; Jamie had his phone and had just been quietly sat playing his game, there was no way for Roy to know how long he had been sat slowly scribbling away at the book.
I will call Jamie if I am going to be late so he doesn’t worry
I will wear my knee brace so it doesn’t hurt all day
And that wasn’t even talking about the chair. Roy’s interior designer had picked out the dining set and it had only been used in the very infrequent times that the Kent family had come round for Christmas. They tended to eat at the kitchen bar or on the settee. That was because these seats were uncomfortable as fuck. Roy shuffled in place, rocking from ass cheek to ass cheek whenever one of them went numb against the hard surface. The shorts were too short to protect his thighs from the indent that was forming from the end of the too short seat. How was Roy supposed to sit there and write these lines if he couldn’t sit still without itching or shivering or shuffling?
I will call Jamie if I am going to be late so he doesn’t worry
I will wear my knee brace so it doesn’t hurt all day
He wanted to turn around. He wanted to moan to Jamie about how unfair this was. He wanted to throw the book against the wall and yell about how stupid it was. But he also didn’t. Roy wanted to be good; as much as he protested every time Jamie called him a good boy, it felt good too. Roy wanted to do what Jamie was asking of him because it was good for him and made him feel warm inside. Roy was going to write these lines. He was going to do it because if he did Jamie promised that he would be forgiven and they would get to cuddle.
I will call Jamie if I am going to be late so he doesn’t worry
I will wear my knee brace so it doesn’t hurt all day
Roy focused. He tried to tune out all of the distractions. His vision narrowed, his legs went numb from the chair but that didn’t matter. You don’t need you legs to write the lines. And with every copy Roy sunk into the fog. It was stupid. He should just have put his brace on; his knee feels better with the brace on once he gets over the stupid pride that makes him think that it looks weird. Jamie wants Roy to be able to walk and stand all day without pain. It was stupid. He knew he was going to be late before it hit six. He could have just texted Jamie to say he got caught up in work and was going to be a bit late. He could have set off straight away and only been five or so minutes late. Jamie was worried that Roy was late and he had to be the one to cook and Jamie hates cooking. Roy let Jamie down and he should be punished for that. Jamie wanted the best for Roy. All Roy needed to do was listen.
I will call Jamie if I am going to be late so he doesn’t worry
I will wear my knee brace so it doesn’t hurt all day
Roy nearly started writing on the table when he reached the bottom of the page. He was so in the zone that it was only the scratch of pen on wood that stirred him out of the trance. He looked at the list. It wasn’t really legible but that wasn’t the point. The fuzziness mixed with the guilt was the point wasn’t it. Roy put the pen down and lazily rubbed at his eyes. What had Jamie done to him?
“Hey babe, all done?” Jamie’s soft voice cut through the fog. He was pressed against Roy’s back and lazily rubbing circles into Roy’s shoulder.
Roy tried to get his voice to cooperate but could only nod.
“Good lad. Let’s get you up and comfy yeah?”
That sounded like absolute bliss. Jamie had to do a lot of the heavy lifting as Roy’s legs crumpled in pins and needles. He had to be coaxed to raise his arms to replace the cursed shirt with one of his soft pyjama ones.
“Burn it,” Roy growled when Jamie tossed the shirt over the back of the dining room chair.
“Why would I do that? It’s the punishment shirt,” Jamie chuckled, fluffing Roy’s curls and pressing a kiss to his hairline.
“Not gonna need it,” Roy grumbled.
“Oh yeah. You gonna be good from now on?”
Roy nodded. “All is forgiven?” he whispered, just to check. Because he needed to be forgiven for the haze of guilt to blow away. He needed to be sure.
“All is forgiven and cuddles, just like I promised for my good lad,” Jamie pulled Roy down onto the settee. Usually they would position themselves with Roy sat up with his foot on a stool and Jamie crumpled into a pretzel next to him so Roy could play with Jamie’s hair and pet him as they watched whatever they were watching. Today the positions were reversed and Roy needed to be cuddled up into Jamie’s side, Jamie’s chest acting as a solid pillow as he stretched his legs out, returning feeling into his feet. It wasn’t late at all. Roy had probably been writing for half an hour at most, despite the fact it felt like an eternity. Jamie put on some mindless action film and sat running his hand through Roy’s curls, giving little tugs every so often to work out a knot and to keep Roy grounded next to him. This was nice. All was forgiven.
Most people, even without the power exchange element in their relationship, thought that Jamie and Roy were strangely co-dependent. Ever since Roy started training Jamie at four am they had been living in each other’s pockets. Them starting dating and then moving in with each other was just the inevitable next step for them and no one was surprised. Adding this additional element was just another step. After he was forgiven for his admittedly juvenile strop, Roy dived back into this with renewed enthusiasm. He wasn’t able to bring the book into work; the worry was that someone, most likely Nate, would open it accidentally. So Jamie had set them up with a picture of the page that Roy could tick things off. Ticking things off was an immediate boost. Every task of Jamie’s that he ticked off, gave Roy a boost of energy. Work was becoming easier. He could focus everything on being the best manager he possibly could be with no concerns. He didn’t have to spend his time thinking about balancing his time or worrying about being too much for Jamie or even the little drains on your time like deciding what to eat. Jamie made all those decisions so Roy could just do it … no hassle no pain. Jamie could see what Roy was ticking off and the occasional little hearts and squirrel emojis were their own little boost. Knowing Jamie was pleased and knowing that Jamie was watching even when he wasn’t there filled Roy with such an intense feeling of home and security. Roy and Jamie were together in this, and that was amazing.
“Ten,” Roy barked, leaning back on the park bench and kicking his leg up and onto Jamie’s back.
“Fuck really,” Jamie groaned.
“Ten.”
“I hate you,” Jamie growled, pushing himself up onto one arm despite the heel of Roy’s trainer digging in between his shoulder blades.
“Like fuck you do,” Roy scoffed, taking another bite of his bacon sandwich. “Nine,” he chirped when Jamie did another one armed pushup. They had stopped the early morning trainings every day but still did them twice a week to keep Jamie at the level of fitness he needed to be central cog. Plus it was fun for Roy to put Jamie through the paces still.
“What about rewards?” Jamie wheezed after a couple more push ups.
“The reward is you being able to bench press Richard after an ninety,” Roy frowned.
“Not for me asshole. Although that is pretty fun …” Jamie muses, “… but for you.”
Roy accidentally pressed down too hard with his foot in a spasm of surprise from that statement.
“Oh shit,” Jamie sprawled out face first in the dirt, arms trembling as he heaved in air through the pesky strands of grass.
“Fuck, I didn’t …” but before Roy could stammer his way through some form of apology, Jamie rolled onto his back and started laughing.
“Christ Roy you took to punishments with more composure than rewards,” he chuckled.
“I don’t need it,” Roy muttered.
“I mean sure, you don’t. This has been great and you’ve been doing great and I’ve been feeling it yeah,” Jamie rambled, looking up at Roy from his position upside down. Roy was able to exhale at that. He hadn’t seen how this discussion could do towards him doing something wrong but Jamie saying it outright was a relief anyway. “But you’re doing all this for me and doing whatever it takes to make me happy. We need to be planning in stuff for you.”
“This is all for me,” Roy snapped before he could reign himself in. “I, this is good and I like it how it is,” he added once it hit how weird that sounded.
“Babe, I …” Jamie sighed, rolling onto his front. “This is a right way up conversation.”
Roy couldn’t hold back the snort of affection at Jamie blowing his hair out of his face.
“Babe, I love that this is working for you and hell yeah that’s what I want, but you get to want stuff and I don’t want to be planning every minute of every day for you and you be missing something.”
“I’m not missing something are you missing something?” Roy stammered.
“Alright get down here you idiot,” Jamie rolled his eyes, reaching out and making grabby hands towards Roy.
“I’m not the idiot,” Roy rolls his eyes.
“Mm agree to disagree,” Jamie pouted until Roy stumbled down to lie on his back next to him on the ground. “So, you’re being an idiot,” Jamie flicked Roy on the nose. “I am happy. You are happy. This is great. But if you want a kebab or a spa day or to go to the films or something and you’ve ticked off everything in your book then we should do that,” Jamie explained, gesturing wildly towards the sky with his arms.
“But I don’t need that to be happy,” Roy explained.
“Cool, but I want to give it to you,” Jamie argued.
“But I …”
“Nope I am banning the word but unless it is to talk about how hot mine is,” Jamie interrupted.
“Bu…”
“Ah!” Jamie yelled over him.
Roy settled into a glower instead.
“You know that stare doesn’t work on me anymore,” Jamie rolled his eyes. “Just think about it ok?”
Roy took a deep sigh. He really didn’t need it; Jamie was fantastic at making sure he was meeting all of his needs. But if Jamie wanted Roy to want something then surely Roy could try?
“Fine,” he groaned. “Bu … However if you want to have wine with dinner tonight you owe me six more push ups.”
Now it was Jamie’s turn to groan, “fine.” Jamie rolled onto his side and leapt to his feet with a spry athleticism that made Roy want to throttle him at times. “It’s only because you want to oogle my butt though,” he hissed, sticking out his tongue as he dodged Roy’s swat.
A few of weeks of this and Roy was sinking into the expectations. Surprisingly, Jamie making the decisions didn’t change much in his life. And the things it did change were from the better. Roy was walking around without the concrete blocks around his feet for the first time since he was a child. He was comfortable. The problem was Roy didn’t do comfortable. Jamie’s therapist called it self destructive behaviours; Roy hadn’t appreciated Isa weighing in on his habits when she met with Jamie about his habits but she wasn’t wrong, which made her observations worse in a way. Both Jamie and Roy had habits of unconsciously imploding the good things in their lives when they got too good; abandonment issues and all that. Just because Roy knew what he doing didn’t mean he could stop it.
“If you ain’t going to do this properly then I’m not gonna do it,” Jamie snapped, tossing the book down onto the table.
Roy stood with his arms crossed over his chest, nails digging into his side holding everything inside of him together. “It was nothing,” he hissed.
“It may be nothing. Yeah missing your appointment with Doctor Sharon in the grand scheme of things likely is nothing,” Jamie continued ranting, pacing backwards and forwards with his hands bunching in his hoodie pockets. “But it’s for you. You wouldn’t let me miss my appointment with Isa.”
Roy wouldn’t. He knew how important those appointments were for Jamie. He also knew how important his sessions with Doctor Sharon were for him. He hated them, but he needed them to avoid this sort of situation.
“Your thing with Jamie … it is unconventional but if it is good for you then you should be doing it as long as you are being safe with each other. We’ll have a check in with how it is going for you next week.”
But Roy hadn’t turned up next week had he. He had gone out with Dani to a school outreach program when he should have been at his appointment and he had done that on purpose, knowing that it was written in the book and underlined and highlighted as particularly important.
“I am not going to stake my time, fuck, my heart Roy on this if you aren’t going to do it! If this …” Jamie gestured between the two of them “… means nothing to you then we can call it quits.”
“It doesn’t … mean nothing,” Roy growled. “I just didn’t want to go to fucking therapy!” he yelled.
“Tough shit. I want you to, and that’s what matters here doesn’t it,” Jamie prowls forwards, squaring up with Roy. “I know what is best for you, I want what is best for you and you clearly can’t be trusted to make those decisions,” he hisses.
“Like shit I can’t,” Roy growled. Jamie was close, so close that Roy could just lean forward and do one of the two things he wanted to do to the lad right now; kiss him or headbutt him. Roy hadn’t entirely decided which yet.
“Roy,” Jamie snarled, lip twisting harshly before he took a deep breath. He looked back up at Roy, staring into his eyes with a more tender and worried tilt of his brow. “Do you want to keep doing this? The books,” he asked quietly, the anger seeping out of him.
Roy froze. He went to nod automatically; he did want to do this, Jamie being proud of him and caring for him was everything. But he was going to ruin it; like he ruined everything.
“Get out of your own way Kent,” Jamie softly tapped him on the cheek. “What do you want?”
“I want this,” Roy choked out, through gritted teeth before he could talk himself out of it.
“You want to be my good boy,” Jamie smiled, all teeth and shithousery.
“Oh fuck off,” Roy growled but all the venom was rapidly draining out of him.
“Never,” Jamie leant forwards and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “But you are going to have to prove to me you are serious yeah?”
“I am,” Roy whispered, pressing a return kiss.
“Ok,” Roy could feel Jamie’s lips smiling against his own.
“Stay here. Look at the book, create a list of everything you have missed today because of your tantrum and all the things left to do.” And then Jamie jogged off upstairs.
“I’m going out with Keeley,” Jamie announces from the doorway about fifteen minutes later.
“You’re what?” Roy startles, head shooting up from the list he had been painstakingly pouring over.
“Out. With Keeley. Me,” he repeated slower like a confused Brit abroad.
“But I thought we were …” Roy gestured at the list that even he could admit was barely legible in his tiny chicken scratch.
“You are,” Jamie replied, pulling on a pair of slightly heeled chelsea boots. His jeans were painted on and were more rip than anything else and the deep red velvet short jacket showed off a lot of the skin tight black mesh top beneath it. Jamie ran a hand through his effortlessly tousled hair and his tongue flitted out to taunt Roy with what he was missing. He didn’t like going out to parties and hated the type of events that Keeley and Jamie went to even more. But what he did enjoy doing was ripping off the clothes and smudging the make up when Jamie dressed up like this.
“I’m not though. You want to show me that you’ll take this seriously then take this seriously Royo,” Jamie beamed, winking.
“You can’t just go out!” Roy snapped. He had spent the time Jamie had apparently been dolling himself up mentally preparing for whatever punishment Jamie would have in mind this time. He hated the last one but they hadn’t fought like this the last time. This one was going to be worse and Roy had prepared himself. Now Jamie was just … going out?
“You ain’t the boss here love. If you want to tell me what to do then we can call it quits on this,” Jamie chuckled, leaning down to press a kiss to Roy’s curls. “I’ll be back.”
Roy sat on the settee in silence stewing for an unhelpful amount of time after the door thumped closed behind Jamie. This was ridiculous. What was he supposed to do now? The whole point of this was that Roy fucked up, and he had fucked up, he was punished in whatever cruel and unusual way that Jamie had sadistically dreamed up and then he was forgiven and then they cuddled. That was the arrangement; what part of that was him just fucking off to go party?
“Fucks sake,” Roy hissed, pulling himself to his feet. If Jamie was going to fuck off and do whatever he wanted then Roy wasn’t going to sit and wallow about being left on his own. He was going to do … something. He wandered aimlessly towards the kitchen, but he had already done the washing up and eaten earlier. He wandered back into the living room, turning the tv on to Sky Sports for some noise but all there was on was golf and tennis … not any real sports.
In the centre of the table was the book where it had been tossed in their fight. Roy was fucking bored. He hadn’t gone any extended period of time without Jamie … well since they had started dating. He didn’t do well on his own and it had been the point of contention in all of his prior relationships. Jamie however loved how clingy Roy was and was just as clingy back. But Roy had fucked up and Jamie had left.
“You fucking little shit,” Roy cursed under his breath and dragged the book towards him. There was still a whole list of their usual evening routine that Roy hadn’t ticked off yet. This is what he planned wasn’t it. Jamie knew Roy better than Roy knew himself and so would know that being left on his own with no external accountability and companionship would hurt, particularly when he knew he had fucked up. This was the punishment, and Roy wasn’t going to fuck up even more. Jamie would be back. Roy would be forgiven. And they would cuddle.
Roy systematically works through everything there was left in the book. He had an ice bath for his knee than did his stretches until he warmed up then got in the shower. Then he did his meditation, read a chapter of his book and was in bed at ten. He did all of it and sent pictures to Jamie and messages with his items ticked off. Jamie was reading them, but there was only silence in replies. At least he was reading them. Roy laid in bed like a vampire, staring at the ceiling unable to drift off to sleep.
Roy: I love you.
Read 10:05pm
He was mapping everything in the faint light coming in from the streetlights outside. He didn’t realise that were so many spiderwebs in the corners. He should get up and clean them … but Jamie had said go to bed at ten; he didn’t say go to bed at ten and then freak out and clean the house. Roy carried on glaring at the ceiling.
Roy didn’t know what time it was when Jamie crept into the room but he did know that he hadn’t slept a wink in the time that he had spent waiting.
“Hey sweetheart,” Jamie whispered, burrowing into his spot in bed tucked under Roy’s waiting arm. “Have a good evening?”
“You know that I fucking didn’t,” Roy huffed.
“Yeah, yeah I do,” Jamie chuckled.
“I’m sorry love,” Roy apologised.
“Hey, punishment, forgiven, cuddles yeah?” Jamie chided and draped his arm over Roy’s chest. Even those minimal contact points between the two of them had the tension seeping out of Roy’s tense frame. “It work then?”
“Yeah, felt like shit,” Roy confessed.
“Not going to skip therapy again are we?” Jamie chuckled. His body shaking working like a massage chair and Roy was able to sink into the mattress.
“Fuck no.”
“Great job coach,” Beard loomed in the hotel conference room after all the boys had headed up to their rooms. A late Monday night game at Elland Road was not for the faint hearted and then boys had come out of Leeds with a dominant three nil win. The lads had been offered a night out but with their aches and pains had unilaterally decided a spa night would be more their pace. Roy had finished his usual motivational-ish victory speech and now it was just him and Beard lingering to pack up their stuff.
“You too coach,” Roy nodded his reply.
“You seem lighter,” Beard commented, folding up one of the chairs and then using it as something to lean against.
“Yeah?” Roy frowned.
“Not less angry per say but like there’s less going on upstairs,” Beard shrugged.
“That your yank way of saying I’m thick or something?” Roy bristled.
“No,” Beard commented, and that was the single word that made Roy feel like he was thick or something. “Less burdened.”
Roy froze. Was it that noticeable? Beard was unnaturally observant but he hadn’t expected anyone to notice the change. He felt less burdened and that was the point wasn’t it. When Roy had been trying to balance all of the plates he had been dropping them and metaphorically cutting himself open. Now he just had two plates; manage Richmond, do what Jamie says.
“It’s a good look on you.”
“What?” Roy startled out of his head.
“Happiness,” Beard commented, turning to put the chair away.
Happiness. Fuck. Yeah he was. He was happy and unburdened, and he was loving it.
“Celebrate at a pub?” Beard asked when they had finished tidying away. Roy spent the rest of their packing away time mentally running through everything on his list for the day and it was quite a short one being an away game day. He just needed to make sure he iced his knee and had his anti-inflammatories and got to bed on time.
“No I, I should be getting to bed,” Roy shook his head.
Beard shrugged, “fair enough.”
Roy nodded awkwardly and slung his bag over his shoulder. Beard wasn’t being weird about it but Roy was feeling weird about it. But he needed to ice his knee and have his anti-inflammatory and go to bed on time.
“If you want to do something or stay out late or whatever just ask babe.”
After the weird rewards conversation, Jamie had made Roy promise to ask if he wanted something. Jamie might say no but if there is no reason not to then Jamie would say yes. Roy wanted to go out for a drink. Jamie had been doing so well at predicting all of Roy’s needs, honestly it had been a little creepy at times how good at it he was. Roy hadn’t needed to ask about anything yet. He sighed and pulled out his phone, there was a first time for everything.
Roy: Beard wants to go out to the pub. Can I go with him?
Jamie’s response was instantaneous; he must not be in the hot tub with the lads yet.
Jamie: Course sweetheart and thank you for asking
Jamie: Two drinks only though. And be safe, no opposition bars!
Roy: Love you
Jamie: <3
Roy took a deep breath and rolled his shoulders trying to shake away the burning red flush he could feel creeping across his cheeks.
“Coach,” he called out before Beard could walk out of the door. “Still want that drink?”
Jamie was curled up on the hotel bed in his favourite deep blue oversized fluffy hoodie with a bowl of cereal and Traitors on the TV when Roy got back in. Roy felt strangely like he was floating. It was an odd almost drunk sensation but he had only had the two drinks exactly like Jamie decreed. He had been high so many times but none of those artificial highs had felt as settled deep in his bones. Roy tucked his shoes by the door and peeled off his jacket, pretending he couldn’t feel Jamie’s stare burrowing into his back.
“Have fun?” Jamie eventually asked, Claudia Winkleman’s voice being turned down by the remote in his hand.
“Yeah, it was nice,” Roy nodded, settling on the top of the covers next to Jamie. Beard wasn’t that bad company when you leant into the weird.
“What did you two get up to then?” Jamie rolled, his unnaturally good balance the only thing that stopped the cereal spilling onto the covers. Jamie’s warm feet wrapped around Roy’s legs and Roy rescued the cereal before it became a victim of Jamie going full octopus on him.
“We just wandered until we found a pub that wasn’t playing the depressing version of Marching on Together and then had some chips and drinks and played darts’” Roy explained now the bowl of liquid was safely on the side table.
“Two Kirkstall Pales and a Sprite,” Roy whispered, his neck flushing red as the grin and Jamie’s face grew.
It was good that Roy had managed to move the cereal out of the water because that admission was all it took for Jamie to push into koala mode not just octopus. Roy was pinned as Jamie rolled, knees either side of Roy’s hips. “Yeah?” he whispered breathlessly.
“Yeah,” Roy replied with just as much reverence as he stated at the line of Jamie’s jawline.
“You were so good calling to check if you could go out. Letting me look after you so good,” Jamie sighed, leaning forward, hands bracketing Roy’s shoulders to catch Roy’s lips in a heated kiss. Roy could feel Jamie’s weight on him but it didn’t feel crushing, it felt like it was holding him together. If Jamie wasn’t here over him then he might float away into the night. Jamie’s breath was panting, they shared air as Jamie nipped and pulled at Roy’s bottom lip with his teeth.
“You want a reward? Being so proactive for me,” Jamie chuckled barely more than a whisper. Roy was frozen in place; he should want some form of reward shouldn’t he? The book and his agreement with Jamie didn’t explicitly say he needed to ask Jamie before he did anything that wasn’t in the book but it just felt like the right thing to do. The whole point of this was that Jamie would make better choices for Roy than he would himself That was the reward. And if letting Jamie make those choices and following his instructions made Roy feel so high and free and floaty then that was reward enough of its own.
Jamie didn’t wait for Roy’s response which was good because Roy hadn’t worked out what his response would be yet. Instead he systematically worked his way along Roy’s jaw and down Roy’s neck kissing and nipping at the skin sending shivers of pleasure down Roy’s spine.
“Jamie,” Roy eventually managed to force out of his uncooperative vocal chords. It came out like a choked whine which made Jamie chuckle against Roy’s neck. He continued his soft and tender ministrations down Roy’s neck and settling at his collarbone. Roy’s hips bucked as Jamie licked a long stripe along the collarbone with that infernal tongue of his. The heat settled into his chest and Roy was given no time to recover before Jamie sunk his teeth into the tender flesh and sucked a deep dark bruise. It would be hidden from view, but Roy would remember this every time he stretched or moved.
“I love you.” The declaration came out of nowhere but yet if was the only thing Roy could have said in that moment, the only thing that made sense.
Jamie stopped, his head inching upwards slowly with the softest, most tender smile on his face. “I love you too,” he whispered. Now it was Roy’s turn to lean forwards and capture Jamie’s lips with his own in a more slow and leisurely kiss than the one Jamie had initiated. “What do you want?” Jamie asked, settling as a comforting weight on Roy’s chest.
“You,” Roy replied, against his soppy heart outweighing his usual filters. The glow that single word brought to Jamie’s face was worth it though.
“You’ve always got that,” Jamie grinned, settling his head on Roy’s chest and weaving their legs together. Roy’s breathing was forced to be deep and slow from Jamie’s weight on his chest but he was not trade the warmth for anything.
That day was the cause of a small but mighty shift in the dynamic. It changed from Roy just doing whatever Jamie had planned for him in the book, to Roy calling or texting Jamie whenever he wanted to do anything that wasn’t in the book. That final step freed the shackles around his wrists, he was free from obligation. He didn’t have to say no or feel bad about letting anyone down because Jamie was the one making the decisions. It was a get out of jail free card for his conscience and Roy was loving the freedom this break from responsibility was giving him. He was still able to look after Jamie and look after the team and Jamie never asked him to do anything that wasn’t for his benefit; Roy didn’t always realise that these things were for his benefit but Jamie did. Jamie was the best thing that ever happened to Roy. That didn’t mean he didn’t doubt his place in this wonderful relationship.
“What do you get out of this?” Roy asked one evening a few nights later.
“What do you mean?” Jamie asked stretching out and wriggling his legs over Roy’s lap as he did so. Some random crime drama was on the TV quietly as Roy watched passively and Jamie scrolled absentmindedly on his phone. Roy trapped Jamie’s legs in place and automatically drifted into massaging Jamie’s arches in a way that he knew had his partner melting.
“You’re doing all of this planning and instructions and making decisions for me. I’m worried that, that I’m asking too much,” Roy confessed. He had been dismissive of the rule written in the front of his book that Roy had to be honest with Jamie above all else, until he had to confess this insecurity. He didn’t like the feeling, that he was being weak in front of the person whose opinion he valued most, but they needed trust. If Jamie didn’t trust Roy there was no point in this. If Roy didn’t trust Jamie then why should he follow the younger man’s orders.
“I like doing it,” Jamie replied. He bit his bottom lip as Roy’s fingers found and worked loose a particularly troublesome knot in a muscle on the ball of his blessed right foot.
“I get that but this is a lot of work for just something you like,” Roy muttered back. He had seen how passionately Jamie flew into things he enjoyed. He would dive head first and orient his life around the thing and then come up for air two weeks later and never think about the thing again. Roy did not want to be another discarded former obsession in a few weeks; he wasn’t sure he would survive that. He had more faith in Jamie than that observation sounded like he did but Roy’s mind wouldn’t track past the fact that he was going so much more out of this than Jamie was compared to effort put in.
“One …” Jamie raised a finger, “… you are not work. And two …” a second finger joined the first “… what makes you think I’m not getting stuff out of this?” Jamie gestured the two fingers down to where Roy was giving Jamie an unprompted foot massage. Ok, that was a fair point; Jamie was still getting all the things that Roy was doing for him like cooking and massages and driving him places.
“I was doing all of that for you anyway when we were just boyfriends. If you just want that then we don’t have to do this.” As soon as the statement left his mouth Roy’s heart fluttered with a deep cold feeling of loss. He didn’t want to stop doing this. He needed this. Roy was happy, down to his core for the first time in a very long time and he didn’t want that feeling to ever go away. But he would do it for Jamie, if asked.
“Ok, eyes up here babe as I don’t want to say this twice,” Jamie sighed, shuffling so he could sit up straight. His fingers hooked under Roy’s chin to lift Roy’s stare away from his knees and turn it so he couldn’t easily look anywhere but Jamie’s face. His eyes were deep and stern, matching up with the furrow of his brow in concern to not paint the usual pretty picture. “I love you and I love this. I have lived my life so fucking lonely, believing that no matter how useful or compliant or tough I was that everyone would leave me eventually. Doing this, being able to look after you and be needed by you is everything I need to be happy. You being happy is the most important thing to me and being able to facilitate that … so hot,” the tightness in Jamie’s face eased and his tongue flitted out. Roy felt the strings that were holding him up start to loosen as Jamie winked teasingly.
“Oh shut up. I was trying to be all vulnerable and shit,” Roy growled.
“Sorry, sorry, but serious yeah. I’ll tell you, if anything changes but you are doing exactly what you need to be doing to make this good for me yeah?” Jamie smiles, using his fingers under Roy’s chin to pull him closer for a kiss. Roy nodded, pressing a soft and loving and gentle kiss to Jamie’s puckered lips.
Jamie pulled away, just an inch to press their foreheads together. “So hot,” he giggled, and the giggles only increased when Roy picked up the book that had started all of this and whacked him around the back of the head with it.