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George was doing the laundry when Kimi, his 4-year-old son, ran to him laughing and screaming, "Papa, it's daddy! It's daddy!" While pointing at something behind him.
George just stood there frozen, because Max had died 2 months ago.
George thought it was just a one-time thing. The wounds from Max’s death were still fresh for both of them, so George understood and let his son cope with his sadness in the way he could for the time being.
But it continued for weeks, and though George knew he shouldn’t feel relieved seeing Kimi doing better than the first two months, he couldn’t help but feel that way.
The next time it happened was when George was late picking Kimi up from his preschool because he had a big order at his bakery.
“Baby, papa is very sorry for being late. Papa has a big order today, Kimi could have many sweets if he wants to later!” George said as he kneeled in front of Kimi, stroking his curly hair back from his forehead.
Usually, Kimi would sulk and get mad at him if he made him wait this long, so George immediately offered something to lift his mood. But then Kimi stroked his face with his chubby thumb, a toothy grin on his face, “It’s okay, papa! Daddy was here with me so Kimi wasn’t alone!”
George just offered his son a weak smile without knowing what else to say. He plastered a kiss on his cheek without saying anything else before scooping Kimi up in his arms and leaving.
Then it happened again and again, without George having the courage to say anything about what was actually happening to Kimi, because the sparks that were once gone from his eyes started to return whenever the boy talked about what he called his dad. And George didn't want to ruin it again when he still hadn't found a way to keep that spark there himself yet.
“Baby, aren’t you sleepy? Let’s take a nap together?” George tried to distract Kimi, who was busy drawing one afternoon, “Papa is sleepy as well,” George faked a yawn to make Kimi’s naptime sound more appealing.
“Nu-uh, Kimi is still drawing,” Kimi vigorously declined his offer, lifting up his paper to show his papa that he was still busy with his piece. “Papa join too!”
“What are we drawing now?” George asked once he was beside Kimi, who was still busy scribbling on his paper.
George took a look at the drawings and recognized what the orange colors on the paper are supposed to be. Something tugged inside his guts.
“Marigold flower! Papa's favorite!” George felt stunned, he didn’t remember ever telling Kimi about this to him.
“H-how did you know about it?”
“Daddy told Kimi just earlier!”
George wanted to cry, but he didn’t. He let out a wet chuckle and stroked Kimi’s sweaty hair back from his forehead.
“He did?” George asked softly, not wanting Kimi to hear his voice wavering. Not wanting to show just how weak he was in front of him.
“He did, papa! He also told Kimi, daddy once gave marigold earrings for papa when Kimi was like a little baby who cries a lot and papa took good care of him! So daddy give earrings to thank him!”
Suddenly, George remembered one of the said earrings that was hidden somewhere in his drawer. The one he hadn’t seen since that day, because what could a piece of earring do when it didn’t have the other one? When it had lost its pair?
“Do you not like it?” Kimi brought George back from his reverie, “Kimi is sorry. Kimi can’t draw well yet, papa.”
Kimi was about to tear off the paper, but George got a hold of it before Kimi could, “Baby, papa loves it! It looks pretty!” George said, trying to convince his son who looked devastated.
“But papa don't look happy,” Kimi said with a frown. His eyes began to get teary. George's breath hitched. He cursed himself for letting the mask he had formed wear off in front of his son.
He brought Kimi’s small figure into his embrace, letting his son sniff his scent as he started to sniffle. “Papa was just amazed, baby. Papa loves it so much!” George said while rubbing his shaky back.
“Daddy said he loves it too!” Kimi said with a smile that slowly made its way back to his face. George just nodded, tightening his arms around the little boy.
“Papa loves you so much,” George whispered after minutes of rocking their body back and forth. And maybe George let himself a little too exposed again with the way his voice wavered at the end of his sentence. But Kimi didn’t pay attention to it because he dozed off wrapped around his arms.
And as with many questions plaguing George’s mind, he just left things at that because if it was what cost him to see Kimi smiling at the moment, he wouldn’t want to ruin it. Yet.
George had the drawing hung on the refrigerator.
George always tried to have a conversation about the situation with his son, but he didn't think he was ready to voice the reality himself.
As time went by, it didn’t only happen around the two of them. One day George received a call from Kimi’s preschool.
“It has come to my attention that Kimi has become more violent lately around his friends,” George gulped because he always imagined his son as anything but violent. But he kept his silence and let Mrs. Park continued, “He has been showing his way in interacting with his friends through physical violence.”
“I-I’m sorry, but this is my first time hearing this, Kimi has never shown any violent tendencies from what I’m aware of.”
Mrs. Park nodded at George’s reasoning, “At first I didn’t want to tell you about this because I thought I could handle the situation myself because I wouldn’t say this is entirely Kimi’s fault,” George’s puzzled face made Mrs. Park continued her explanation after sighing deeply. “His friends started picking on Kimi after his father’s death.”
There was a fat silence before George asked in disbelief, “What?” A wave of anger in his voice.
Mrs. Park offered a gentle smile to ease George, “Kimi believed that-” she took a deep breath, contemplating whether to continue her words or not. “He believes that his father is still here with us, and his friends make fun of him because of it.”
George’s mind felt like it had been struck by lightning. A small voice within him cornered him, pointing its fingers at him, that it all had happened because he let it to. “I-” George tried to say something but his voice wouldn't come out of his throat.
“Are you aware of this, sir?” Mrs. Park asked softly yet, George felt like he was being accused. “It’s okay. I understand that this is still hard for both of you to deal with and everyone has their own way to cope. But I suggest you talk it out with Kimi immediately. And if professional help is needed, I really encourage it.”
The meeting ended before George noticed it, somehow, every word went in and out of his head like a passing wind.
Later that night, just like usual, George and Kimi all tangled on the bed. George hadn’t said a word about his meeting with Mrs. Park or questioned Kimi about anything.
Kimi was blabbering about an otter he saw online when he suddenly stopped like he just realized something, his eyes changed to become listless. “Papa,” Kimi called to George, who was busy stroking Kimi’s soft hair with his fingers.
“Hm?” George hummed in question.
“Is Kimi a liar?” He asked. His voice was above a whisper, yet it felt like shredding George’s whole being.
George chuckled wetly, trying to change the heavy atmosphere around them, "No, baby. Of course you aren't," George said in a convincing voice as if he was trying to convince himself more than anyone else.
"B-but everyone said he lie, papa," Kimi said from where he hid his face in the crook of George’s neck.
“They don’t know what they’re saying, baby,” the voice within him came back, screaming into his ears, telling him to shut his mouth if he was just going to say anything but the truth. But all he cared about was Kimi who was starting to sniffle, hiding more in the crook of George’s neck as if he wanted to just disappear. “Let them say anything they want, they don’t know better about Kimi, do they?”
George felt Kimi shaking his head, wet tears falling onto his skin.
After a moment of silence, Kimi mumbled something onto his neck. George didn’t hear clearly what he said but he replied with a, “We love you too,” before drifting off to sleep.
Every time it happened, all George could offer was a smile.
But one time it happened and George snapped. It was when they were about to visit George’s friends for a long weekend.
“Kimi, baby, why don’t you put your socks on?” George asked rather loudly so Kimi, who was upstairs, could hear him. He was still busy packing their stuff for a 2 day's stay into his bag. “Kimi?” George called once again when he didn’t receive a response. He then could hear Kimi giggling about something upstairs, so George decided to get to him, “Kimi? C’mon put your socks on and choose the plushies you want to bring with us.”
“Papa!” Kimi exclaimed when he saw George, his clothes still all over the floor from earlier when George was trying to pick the ones he wanted to pack. But what caught his attention was that Kimi hadn’t put on the one he chose for him to wear.
“Kimi, why are you not dressed yet?” George asked as he picked the clothes and tried to get Kimi to wear them.
“Kimi wants to stay here!” Kimi said as he was playing with the car toy he was crying over 3 days ago because he thought he lost it.
“What? Don’t you want to meet Uncle Charles and Uncle Carlos?” George asked, picking up some clothes that were scattered all over the floor. “And it seemed like you finally found Mr. Rocky. Where was he parked?”
“Mr. Rocky was on top of the bookshelves all this time, papa! So silly,” Kimi explained with a giggle while shaking his head like he couldn’t believe something so silly happened.
“On top? How’d you get it?” George asked, looking over at the bookshelves. There was no way his son could reach the top of it himself.
“Daddy helped Kimi,” Kimi answered quickly. George stopped in his tracks, trying to process things down his stomach at the time. It was the many times something like this happened, something that he couldn’t really track down and pinpoint the reason for and how it actually happened.
George had never wanted to believe what Kimi said was real. He never believed that things like after life on earth exist. So George had always dismissed it as long as it wasn’t harmful for either of them until he was ready to talk about it.
And he wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, but something hot, something like flame, burned deep inside his chest at the time. “Put on your shirt and then your socks, Kimi. We're leaving in 15 minutes.”
“No! Kimi wants to stay with daddy here!” Kimi swayed George’s hand away when he handed the shirt to Kimi. Something deep within him flared and lashed out. George shifted closer to Kimi and snatched the truck toy, putting it out of Kimi’s reach on the floor rather harshly. Kimi thrashed around in his seat and whined. “No! Mr. Rocky!”
George immediately put the shirt on Kimi himself, ignoring the churning sensation inside of him that made him feel like puking his breakfast out. Ignoring the way Kimi tried to get away from him as if he could feel the flame on his skin.
Kimi was in tears, asking George for Mr. Rocky.
Asking George to stop because he didn’t want to go with him.
Asking George for his father.
The burn inside him died down. Leaving his chest heavy. Like it had been pushed down into deep cold water, where he had nowhere to run. Tugged his insides where he could only feel its pang.
George asked for nothing but for the pain to go away.
A single shed of tears slid down his cheek.
“Have you tried to talk about it with him? Maybe ask him to explain what he’s seeing and feeling every time it happens?” Alex asked. He was already there when he and a sleeping Kimi in his arms arrived at Charles and Carlos’s place.
George simply shook his head.
“What if-” Carlos sounded uncertain, yet he continued, “What if what Kimi said all this time was real?” Carlos asked him. His voice was careful, wishing it didn’t land at the wrong spot.
“Carlos,” Charles beside him warned him softly.
George didn’t believe what Kimi said was real. Didn’t want to. Things like that just don't exist.
“But if it was real-” His chest still felt heavy. “If he was really here-” The pain didn’t go away. “Why can’t I see him?” He didn’t know his voice could sound so broken. So pitiful. So hollow.
But maybe because George was broken. Was pitiful. Was hollow.
Because George didn’t want to think what Kimi said and experienced was real. That he was just coping with his sadness. But he’d be lying if he said he’d never wish for something to happen around him too.
Every day he wished he could see just a glimpse of him, so he could see him again for a moment. But it never happened.
“George,” Charles called out to him softly. Reached out to his hand and held onto it like it’d make any change. Usually, it would, but that time, the pain was still soaring through his insides. And George still felt like drowning.
“What if- What if he doesn’t want me to see him again? That he’s mad at me for what happened that day and-”
“George, stop blaming yourself for what happened! He would never blame you,” Alex’s voice cracked at the end. Like he was hurting too.
“T-Then why?” His chest tightened. The pain from that day slowly crept up his whole being. Eating him alive for everything that happened. Punishing him as if letting him go wasn’t painful enough for him already. “Why?”
No one had the answer.
The time George let himself wail and fall was when Kimi was sick.
It was almost midnight when George was awakened by Kimi who was crying frantically in his arms. “Baby, what’s wrong?” He felt like his arms were burning with Kimi in his embrace. “Oh baby you're feverish, let’s get you to the hospital?”
“No! Where's daddy? Kimi wants daddy!” George didn’t let go of his embrace as Kimi started thrashing around in his arms.
“Baby, we couldn’t do that,” George tried to stay calm as much as he could.
“He was just here before, papa!” Kimi started to throw a tantrum.. George was so confused that he could feel tears already pooling around his eyes.
“Kimi, please don't do this to papa?” George begged softly as he felt his head beginning to spin.
“Kimi wants daddy! Wants daddy!!”
Still with Kimi in his arms, George slumped down to the floor with his back on the wall as his sobs started to get louder. Kimi in his arms wasn’t any better. Both of them just cried in each other’s arms and George felt stupid for not being able to do anything but cried like a little kid when he was supposed to be strong for his son.
But that night, he let it all down and exposed himself just how broken, how pitiful he was.
He let himself drown that night. Let the flame inside him lash out and eat him up.
Because he was tired. Tired of asking why when he knew no one was there to answer him. When he was no longer here to answer him.
His chest tightened again and he hated the feeling. So he let it all out of his chest that night.
“W-wants daddy,” Kimi kept whispering between his sobs.
“D-daddy c-can't be here, Kimi. please don't do this to papa,” George tightened his hug on Kimi like he wasn’t the one needing to be held, sniffling the top of his head. “Daddy c-can’t e-ever be here a-again.”
After a few minutes of silence, Kimi whispered a weak, “D-daddy.” George was about to say something again but stopped when he noticed that Kimi was pointing at the window. He kept staring there as if he was watching someone as his sobs slowly died down.
He mumbled some words that George couldn’t get because his energy was already drained and Kimi’s voice was muffled by the way he put his head in the crook of George’s neck. After another few minutes, he could feel Kimi dozing off with his body still feverish.
After putting Kimi down, he decided that it was better to take him to the hospital in the morning. Then George just sat at the edge of the bed. His hand didn’t stop petting Kimi’s chubby thighs.
After that, George stared at the window where Kimi was looking earlier. Without realizing it, his tears already made their way to fall again as his trembling lips tried to say that name. The one he hadn’t mentioned since that day.
“M-Max,” a sob choked out of his throat. For the first time after 4 months, George called out for that name again. “Max,” George tried to muffle his sobs with his hands, his chest tightening. “I-I still need you.”
George again slumped down to the floor, his back resting on the board of the bed this time. He hugged himself with his knees folded to his chest. “M-Max. I-If you’re here, why won't you show it to me? Why won’t you let me see you?” George said between sobs, “Please, Max. I-I miss you. I miss you so much. I’m sorry.”
After a while, he felt like he could breathe again and his eyes started to feel heavy. The wind blew and caressed his hair, showering his entire body with warmth.
Every door and window of the room was closed, but George didn’t really mind where the wind was blowing from.
Because even though George would never have the answer to his questions.
At least that night, George could sleep being wrapped again by that familiar warmth he missed so much.