Chapter Text
Painful machines surrounded his being, after painful injections and other kinds of experiments he rather not remember. They were supposed to calm his behavior, although the restraints on him showed how futile the tries were, at least he thought so.
When said restraints were withdrawn he was prepared to throw some punches, to demonstrate he was untamable. However when he sat up, he could feel the drugs in his system burning his veins and blurring his sight, he was already fighting to not fall on the floor due to his dizziness.
In that state he could not break some faces, especially the one in front of him, grinning.
“Not so rebellious now, huh Till?” The segyein in front of him snickered.
Fuck! Till couldn’t even move, so he settled to pin the segyein with a death glare. Urak, his supposedly ‘parent’, though torturer would’ve been a better name. After his outburst in the party in which he refused to sing, Urak wanted to make sure he couldn’t bring those outbursts on stage anymore, probably because of what he had done to the guitar, alien or whatever.
The week flew by too fast, the drugs were ensuring he did not have energy to do anything, plus, he was hardly present anyway.
Sometimes his daydreams were interrupted with memories that came to life, he sometimes could even see Mizi in front of him or hear her, but she was gone.
It hurt too much, it just made him want the week to pass by faster, it was crystal clear that he was going to die in the next round.
For fuck’s sake! It was against Ivan, he did not stand a chance. That guy was perfect in every aspect, singing above all.
Nonetheless, Ivan was still following him everywhere, maybe he was gloating about his victory beforehand. They never talked, Till was sure he hadn’t talked in all week, he didn’t have in him to do so, but still, Ivan was piercing him with his stare.
Maybe Ivan sensed the state that he was in, it’s not like he was trying to hide it, it did not matter anymore, nothing did.
The day before, he didn’t get out of his room at all, not even for mandatory playtime, or to eat. Till was sure he was going to get reprimanded for this, but the segyeins did not care, it was clear that he was going to die, they knew it too. So they let him have his last rest uninterrupted.
Till just stayed in bed, letting his mind go wild, he saw Mizi, and his friends, most of whom were already dead.
What would Mizi think of me now if she saw me like this? He asked himself, no, he asked Mizi, waiting for her to reply, but she didn’t, she was just looking at him, in the corner.
Till was seeing her everyday since she disappeared, maybe she was dead too, and this was her ghost or something. Did it matter?
After hours, Till’s fantasies with her were cut short when she disappeared, replaced with a sensation he knew very well. He looked to the other corner of his room, and there was him.
Ivan was staring at him, even in his imagination, he was still looking at him, his eyes expressed more emotion than he usually was able to. Pity? Maybe concerned? Till didn’t really know, although it made him feel weird, warm.
Even if this was not real, he wanted to think that someone cared for him, perhaps that’s why Ivan was always with him, to not let him alone in his last moments.
He couldn’t contain the self-deprecating laugh he made, he should have talked to him more, but he should be content with the time he spent with Ivan, and Mizi too. It’s not like he could do something now, it was too late.
For the first time in months, he cried all night.
This was it, the day. He was not nervous, all his emotions were left on his pillow the night before, now he was but a husk.
Till was escorted to the room where they waited before singing, Ivan was already there, dressed in white.
When he entered, their gazes met. For a moment Till could feel something, but he did not really know what the ‘something’ was. So he broke their eye-to-eye moment and sat in front of him. It felt horrible to do so, but he just stared at the floor.
Ivan was not rehearsing, he was just looking at him, it seemed at times like he was going to say something to him, but nothing was said.
Surely, Ivan already figured out he had given up, well good for him, he thought. However, he didn’t look pleased, he looked tense, angry. Why?
That was not relevant anymore, but for a moment he wanted to ask him, so he looked up to him, just to be met with his everyday stoic expression. Although his eyes were only expressing sadness, it was penetrating, just looking at him.
Then, the door opened up, it was time.
Before Till got out of the room, he threw a last glance at Ivan, which was now biting his lip. He looked distressed, nervous even. Why? He was going to win. Well, he couldn’t ask him now.
The room was replaced with a public that was in front of him, no, surrounding him, screaming and applauding. Till could not hear them, his ears were plugged with tension, sparing him the noise.
The stage was a platform above the ground with only two microphones, his was in front of him, awaiting him like a judge, to sentence him to death, at least he was going to die doing something he liked, singing.
So by the time the music started, it was all that he could focus on, he started singing, hearing his voice for the first time this week, and for the last time in his life.
He slowly realized Ivan was there too, dueting his lines. Of course, they were competing.
The music was nice, and the rain that slowly dripped on him was comforting, lulling him to stop singing, to give in.
He was hoping his last memory would be of Mizi.
However, she was not here, not even in his imagination, in his mind he could only feel one thing, a look.
That gaze, it was burning him, Ivan was looking at him. Then he realized he had stopped singing.
Till could already sense the guards approaching, already feeling his body filled with bullets.
He hoped they did not hurt as much as he was hurting already.
He waited, he was not scared, there was nothing to live for anymore.
Nevertheless, the bullets did not come, but a warm sensation on his face, it was a hand, it was Ivan.
Before he could react, a kiss was shoved into his mouth, it was violent, it was sad, it was painful.
WHAT WAS HE DOING? If he did that, then…
It all clicked, was Ivan sacrificing? Why?
He tried to push him back, but he would not let him. Ivan was looking at him, trying to say a lot of things without any words, everything was going too fast, why is he doing this? Was the question rumbling in his head.
Ivan stopped kissing him, and his hands lowered to his neck, not choking him, it did not hurt. It was all a made up spectacle, he was going to die. Ivan was going to die!
He could feel the fire in his eyes, his determination. That determination had been in his eyes all along, now he realized. Had he planned to do this all along?
Till couldn’t. He couldn’t let Ivan do this, not for him, he was not going to see another of his friends dead, let alone due to him.
The fire in his eyes was intoxicating him, it was making his body wake up, he was NOT going to let Ivan die, he should be the one that was going to die, not him.
When the first bullet was shot, Ivan’s grip seemed to falter. He had already accepted his future, but Till had not.
The shot runned to his ears like when a race starts, it was a warning, a warning for him to act.
So he did, no voluntarily, all instinct, he took Ivan’s hands and dashed backwards to the rim of the platform.
He did not even realize what he had done, but before Ivan could do something, they were falling.
The platform wasn’t really that high, but the fall seemed to go on for hours, his feeling catching up to him, he could feel, it was exhilarating. Maybe this way, none of them would die, or maybe both of them would, he really hoped his body would cushion Ivan’s fall, he was not the only one who knew how to sacrifice himself, if Ivan was not going to live, why would he?
Why did he even feel that way? Did it matter?
All those emotions and thoughts were struck out of him when he reached the floor on his back, Ivan falling on top of him. Till’s scream was mute, the air of his lungs was nowhere to be found, but the pain jolted all over his body, it was too much, tears already falling from his lids.
He gasped for air, but it hurt to breathe, especially on the left side of his body, where Ivan had landed on top of him. He attempted to move while bolting pangs were still traveling through his spine, it was all for naught.
It burned, all of it, broken, he didn’t die, but was that a good thing?
Ivan tried to get up, on his hands and knees, still on top of him, he was groaning, the left part of his white jacket was tainted red, blood still busting out of where he was shot.
Nevertheless, they were alive, ALIVE!! Even if for just a bit, he was happy to be alive. For just a moment, he did not want to die.
They really needed to get out before they got shot, surely the guards were already coming down to kill them. As if reading his mind, Ivan got up on his feet, his face was coated with pain, not that stoic expression anymore.
He helped Till by his right hand, lifting him up.
“Ugh”, he huffed, his back hurted, and couldn't move his left arm, but adrenaline was already coating his body, giving him chicken skin and some pain tolerance. He could cry his guts out later, they needed to get out of here now!
Of course, Ivan was already ahead of his thoughts, and took Till by the wrist while he tried to cover his wound to not let more blood get out. And then both entered into the inner building, there were no doors, they were exposed, and the halls looked like a labyrinth.
The alarms ringed, making Till shiver, they did not know where to go, surely they couldn’t get out. There were holograms everywhere warning about intruders. What the? Weren't they fugitives or something. Fuck, it hurt to much to think right now.
They needed to hide, at least to make time for a plan, but where?
Ivan was dragging him around the halls, lots of steps above and below reminded them they were being hunted. The fear and adrenaline made him forget his painful state, though he could still not move his left arm.
When steps and stomps were ahead of them, Ivan pushed Till behind some boxes and covered his mouth, his back throbbed, but his shrieks were muffled by Ivan’s hand.
Moments later, it seemed the guards had passed them, letting them alone with their huffs and grunts.
“Are you hurt?” Ivan asked, worry covering his voice.
“Yes”, Till muttered, now that he was sitting, relaxing, the pain could not be ignored anymore.
“My b-back, it hurts”.
He couldn’t help but let a sob get out of his mouth, it was all too much. He was feeling so tired, he surely had broken a lot of bones with that fall.
“What did you do that? What were you thinking?” Ivan scolded, he too, sounded tired.
“What was I thinking? What were you thinking? How could you just stay there and accept it”.
“You were fucking going to die!” He screamed, he just couldn’t understand why, why all of this? And why for him?
“And you…”, he paused. “You k-kissed me”. He was red, from anger, or maybe something else.
Ivan just sighed before smiling. “I wanted to do it before, well, before I, you know, died”.
“So what, you had it planned all along? To fucking kill yorself”.
“For what reason?” Till asked, Ivan’s visage was indecipherable, he could never understand his motives, it was all unclear to him.
“For you”, Ivan replied, his smile widening.
“W-wha…”. His words were gulped, what does that even mean? He questioned himself. Was it a goodbye kiss? It just felt different from that, it was raw, passionate.
“Then why did you kiss me? D-do you like me or what?” Till’s words sounded weird to him, what kind of question is that? And right now, it does not feel like the time for it, but he wanted to know, to understand the man in front of him.
“You could say that, yes”. Ivan's façade seemed to falter, he was still looking at him, his eyes expressed nervousness.
Till could feel the rage filling him up. “Then, why didn’t you say so!” He snarled.
“To wait until that point, i-it’s…”, It was painful, it was stupid, who would wait to declare their feelings that way?
Fuck! The realization hit him hard, it was just the same thing that he would do with Mizi, he wouldn’t declare if not in death-bed, but being on the other end, fuck! It just hurt.
“It's just stupid, it’s sad”, he continued. Till could sense his eyes filling with tears, this was another kind of pain.
“I'm sorry”, Ivan assured. “I just”. “There was no time for me to try and tell you, but I wanted to kiss you, even if it was the last thing I did”.
“YOU CAN’T JUST DO THAT”, he yelled before realizing, and lowered his voice.
“You cannot foist your heart and soul onto me and then die, to leave me alone in that stage, another of my friends dead”. He was already sobbing, shedding tears, that image of Ivan dead brought quivers everywhere on his body, this was affecting him more than he thought.
“T-that’s just m-mean”, he said, the quavers in his voice palpable. “Fuck!”
“I'm sorry”, Ivan repeated, before slowly embracing Till, careful to not touch his left shoulder or back.
Till just conceded, he hadn’t the energy to fight the comfort, he just cried, conscientiously muffling his whimpers by biting his lip. Ivan just held him.
“I wanted to tell you before, but you were so out of yourself, you seemed depressed, like you’ve already given up”. “And then, it was too late”.
“That was because of”.
“Because of Mizi, I know”. Ivan interrupted. “That’s why I didn’t want to tell you, I did not want to make you feel worse than you did”. “But in a way, it was a selfish action, I know”.
Till did not know how he would’ve reacted if Ivan would have confessed before, he did love Mizi, but does that mean he couldn’t feel anything for someone else. He didn’t know, maybe he did, maybe he could.
How much did Ivan love him if he was going to die for him? How did he not realize?
“I’m sorry too, I did not make an effort to see it”, he sobbed.
Right now, in all his memories, it all felt clear to him, how Ivan was always with him, his piercing gaze, it was obvious.
It’s not that he did not see it, it's just that he did not care to understand it. Brushing it off as something confusing.
“It was not your responsibility to do so, you cannot blame yourself for that”, Ivan consoled.
“Yes I can, it is my fault”. Fuck, he hated to have to open to someone like that. However, now it was too late to close himself again, after just almost dying, how could he not get fucking emotional.
“I just ignored you, all the time, I liked the attention you gave to me. Because in a way I knew that despite what I did, you would stay right next to me, so I just took you for granted as my friend, never asking questions out loud.”
“I just hurt you, and was oblivious to it on purpose”, Till whimpered. Now there was no turning back, this all felt heavy, it hurt more than his shoulder. The guilt.
“It’s ok”, Ivan shushed him. “In a place where only pain was taught to us, it was bound to happen, us to start hurting each other”. “And maybe you’re right, maybe I did want your attention, but to what extent? I don’t know”, Ivan admitted.
It was shameful, to now understand, to connect with someone at this level, but right now, if he was going to die, he did not want to do so with this pain in him.
“I’m sorry”, he cried, Till had never cried like that, surely it was just the adrenaline subsiding, but now he could not stop.
“I forgive you”, Ivan assured, “Will you forgive me too?”
Till just runned out of words, and the knot in his throat threatened with bursting, so he just nodded.
He slowly looked up to meet Ivan’s eyes, that profound gaze he always ignored, his black eyes seemed to go forever, even seemed to turn red in the center, he could really get lost in them.
You know what, fuck it! If they were going to die indifferently, he thought.
Nothing mattered anymore. Maybe that’s how Ivan felt at that moment.
He leaned forward and kissed him too, it was quick, but Ivan could not ask him for more, that was everything that was available.
“T-there you go, now we’re even”, he blurted out, trying to sound confident.
Only to be met with an astounded Ivan in front of him, he was at a loss of words, for a moment Till could see his masquerade fall off; Ivan was surprised, scared, happy, confused, all in one, before he found his composure back.
Once again, his visage was impenetrable, except for the smile on his lips.
“I think mine was more passionate than that”, Ivan giggled, trying to appear calm.
Till could not help but flush. “W-well, I wasn’t planning on dying after it, you know?”
“That’s a relief”, he replied.
“Fuck you!”
After that, they both stayed in a kind of awkward embrace, feeling each other relaxing, with everything out on the table, it all felt light. Until they felt that it was not safe to remain here anymore.
“We need to get out of here”, Till reminded him.
“Yes”, Ivan slowly replied, he got up while wincing, hand still pressing his wound, and helped Till to get up. His body did not take that well, and the twinges of pain made him pathetically mewl.
Again, both of them were roaming the halls, not running, they could not do that anymore, hearing closely if any sound was made, sometimes pressed to the wall to hide themselves.
The exhaustion was palpable, sometimes moans and gasps of pain escaped their mouths to keep their puffs company.
After some wandering, Till’s legs were threatening to surrender to the pain.
Sensing that, Ivan took his good arm and placed it over his neck, trying to support him as best as he could.
Till just let his eyes close for a moment, he was tired, really tired.
Then, Ivan stopped.
Till opened his eyes disconcerted, his vision was starting to blur, belatedly, he realized why Ivan had stopped, a gun.
Someone was holding a gun, aiming at them, it was a tanned girl, with long brown hair. She had been shot too, her bullet wound imitating the place of Ivan’s, although on the other side. Her face was familiar, but Till could not place it right now.
“Hyuna”, Ivan breathed.
That’s right, how could he have forgotten her, a friend, she was their friend. It had been a long time since they'd seen her, it was quite the miracle that she was alive, but how could she not be, she’s Hyuna, she's invincible.
Hyuna slowly lowered her gun, signaling someone to come.
Before none of them could process, someone came to hug Till, making him squirm in pain.
“Sorry”, the woman said. Her voice was unmistakable, leaving Till aghast while the pain faded in the background. It couldn’t be her, right?
“M-Mizi?” She was unrecognizable, her long hair cut short, her clothes, and a scar under her right eye.
Above all, her gaze; her eyes showed how changed she was, the absence of their usual shine was more present than all of her other features.
Mizi tardily noticed Ivan there too, she was going to hug him too apparently, but something caught her eye.
“Ivan, you’ve been shot”, she looked at him, whose face was again petrified in a serious look.
Ivan took no mind at that remark and handed Till over. “He has it worse, he has fallen on his back and busted his left shoulder, he cannot move his arm.”
Mizi carefully took Till’s good arm, and took him to Hyuna, Ivan in tow.
Hyuna was no longer paying attention to them but to her computer. She had a walkie-talkie in her hand, muttering orders and requesting what surely were reinforcements.
Till tried to talk to Mizi, but she was looking at Hyuna, whose gaze finally left the laptop, looking at Mizi too. They were probably having a silent confrontation, which Hyuna was the first to break.
“Don’t”, she warned Mizi.
“We need to go back, we cannot do this today, the rocket can wait, we need to get them to safety”, she retorted. “And you too”.
“We’ve already talked about it, I’m not going back, and I’m fine”. Her tone left no room to discuss, however, Mizi did not back down.
“Yes you do!” She blustered. “You are bleeding, and so is Ivan. And Till cannot even walk properly”.
Mizi looked to the side, clearly fighting back tears. “If you are not going, then I am, it’s not just the two of us here now, we have wounded people here”, she implored.
“Our group is just dead weight, we cannot continue, it’s a suicide mission, and you know it, the other groups can take care of it”.
Hyuna closed her free hand into a fist, clearly looking distressed.
Once again they met eyes into a silent standoff, but Mizi knew she was already doubting.
“If you want this to work, we need to be prepared, we are not. Let’s just retrieve and come back with more people”, she blurted. “Hyuna, please”.
Hyuna just sighted, and looked at her, scowl in face. “Fine”, she replied.
“Ivan, can you walk?” She waited for him to nod and she got up while pressing her hand against her wound, hissing.
“We need to go back to the entry, there are more recruits there securing the exit”.
“You both should be happy we were here, we got divided into a lot of groups to distract the guards”. “If it weren't for our intrusion you would’ve been caught and killed in a blink”, she explained.
That would really explain why there were less guards looking for them, they were occupied trying to not let the rebels enter their facilities, they both were really lucky the rebellion was here. Till thought.
Still, his body was in agony, he did not know how much he could resist before passing out. How was Ivan taking it so well? Fuck, this guy.
When he snapped out of his mental plethora, he realized they were all walking out of that crumpled space, on the floor scattered, where a lot of dead guards, surely all Mizi and Hyuna’s doing. Till was wowed.
Nonetheless, at least the coast was clear.
When they finally got out, Till was already panting, he hoped they wouldn’t need to walk anymore, because he wasn’t sure he could.
The sun was too bright for his eyes in comparison to all the artificial lights on the building, it had been a long ass time since he saw it, it was nice.
And to think today was supposed to be his death, was more than reassuring to him that he had survived all of that, he and Ivan.
Hyuna went to talk to some guys, probably reinforcements, Mizi handed Till back to Ivan while she went with her.
Till did not realize how dizzy he was before he was almost falling onto Ivan. Who catched him immediately, griping him by the waist.
“Are you ok?” he asked, “You really seemed dizzy, you should sit down”.
“I’m fine, I don’t need to sit down, It’ll hurt too much to get up”, he responded.
“And what the hell is wrong with you, are you ok? You are still losing blood”.
“It’s not relevant, it’s just superficial, did not damage anything important”, Ivan assured.
“Bullshit!” “Don’t give me that, it is relevant to me you dumbass”.
“Don’t you dare die on me after all of that, or I’ll fucking kill you”, he barked.
“Are you worried about me?” Ivan was grinning, his grip on his waist more present than ever.
What is this guy’s problem? Did he hit his head on the fall?
Blush already showing on his cheeks, he scoffed. “Of course I’m worried about you, you fucking blockhead, if I wasn’t, you wouldn’t be here”.
“Thank you”, Ivan breathed, while bringing Till closer to him.
“You can welcome yourself”, he spat, though he was not really attempting to pull back, he blamed the pain.
After a moment, Mizi came back. She looked at Till, and then at Ivan, going back and forth, before squinting her eyes.
“We are going to withdraw, Hyuna already has called reinforcements to help the other groups to get out”, she assured.
“She’s talking to Issac, our boss, to get another of those anti gravity scooters, or whatever it’s called. Maybe even a motorcycle”.
“Someone needs to go with Hyuna and the other with”.
“Till should go with you”, Ivan interrupted. “I’ll go with Hyuna”.
After that, Ivan released Till from his grip and went to talk to Hyuna. He was handed to Mizi like a fucking present. He was feeling like a freaking tennis ball, always handed to one or the other.
“Sorry for that”, Till said to Mizi, still a bit confused about the situation. He could understand why Ivan was doing this, so he could have more time with Mizi. Till could appreciate the effort, but it still felt somewhat wrong.
Notwithstanding that, he was really glad Mizi was alive, he was happy, relieved. It all was starting to feel too good to be true, but he clinged onto that. After all the bad things, one needed at least a rest, Till needed more than one.
“I’m glad you’re alive”, he confessed, at least he could say that.
“Yeah”, she sighed, maybe it was his imagination, but she did not sound happy with that prospect. “I’m glad you are alive too”.
She was just looking at the ground, hugging herself, when a motorcycle stopped in front of them. It was Hyuna, Ivan behind her.
“I’m going to head to the base, you guys just follow me”.
“We are lucky this kind of old highways are just used for products and by us. Since the segyeins started remodeling the ways of transport around here”. Hyuna chimed while pointing up.
And surely, there it was, above them, a lot of roads and highways that branched everywhere, if there were that many, surely they wouldn't find them.
“I’ll go now, Issac will give you the scooter”, she told Mizi. “I need to get there before this big fella bleeds out”, she snickered.
Mizi scowled at her.
Hyuna just rolled her eyes, “and me neither”. She blew a kiss for Mizi before starting up the motorcycle, and she went away.
Mizi just hugged herself harder, she did not look at Till.
“We should go too, before we lose them”.
She went to what Till supposed was Isaac and got the scooter, then helped him get on. Attempting to not aggravate his throbbing shoulder, he clanged to her back.
And then, they both were on the highway, following Hyuna.
The ride to the rebellion base was somewhat blurry, Till was sure he was fading in and out of consciousness, the pain and tiredness already taking its toll on him.
Oh, but how happy he was, he did not mind.
Till had been right all along, nothing really mattered in this life, so at least, he wanted to make the actions that made him happy.
Maybe now, they could all be happy.