Work Text:
It’s been a day. In fact, it seemed like nothing changed. Everything was as quiet as always, Roy was barely ever here so what difference did that make?
A lot. I hoped everyday and night that she’d come to me and embrace me before her passing. Did she neglect me? No, it was all part of her love. It was her way of loving me no doubt. Maybe she didn’t neglect me, maybe I’ve gone mad.
Roy Ramit. Professor Moriarity. She was a loving, affectionate woman.
Maybe…maybe…
I clutched the fabric of my dress as I stared down into my lap in a fit of uncertainty, “She..was that way, wasn’t she?” I muttered to myself. Had she deceived me for our entire marriage? Was I a pawn to her, a piece of leverage? No, damn it Jaelyn you’re thinking wrong again!
She loved me. She made sure to show it everyday. She’d kiss me goodbye, she clung to me tightly after each stressful day, she always made sure to place her mark on me. She was possessive and affectionate. Roy Ramit is and was a loving partner.
I haven’t realized that I was tearing up at the thought. Roy Ramit. *My* Roy Ramit, you were like that, weren’t you? I didn’t dream of these things, you did them, I know you did. I love you and you love me, and you proved it to me.
Recalling it all was the most difficult, my mind overtaken by grief must’ve gone ahead and blurred each blissful moment I’ve had with Roy. It was all blank. I tried, I’m trying, I’m trying, Roy I’m trying for you.
Small whines became frantic sobs as I curled up into myself on our shared bed, I bring my hands up to my face in a weak attempt to muffle myself but then my cheek makes contact with something cold. I look at my hands through glossy eyes and see that I still had my wedding ring on.
I remember. I remember that day, when I became yours, when I became a Ramit.
Maybe it was genuine for you as it was for me. We never had a proper ceremony but the ring is a beautiful keepsake of that day. Roy, oh Roy, please come back to me. We could’ve finally had the celebration I always dreamed of.
I feel like I’m going mad, unraveling right before the world and grieving. Roy…you love me, did you not? “You loved me didn’t you?!” I cried out in the empty room. It wasn’t all for nothing, all she did had truth in it. She must’ve left something for me, I hope she did.
With the confidence in mind, I drag myself out of bed, approaching the closet and clamp my eyes shut as I reach to open it, yanking the doors to the closet wide open. I sneak a peek and see…it.
A green coat, *her* green coat. I desperately reached my hands in and grabbed the coat clutching it to my chest and collapsed to the floor, overwhelmed.
It smelled like her still.
My face was then buried in the coat, taking in the scent that lingered on it, “Roy,..Roy..Roy…Roy” I muttered, treating her name like a mantra. It’s as if she were here still. The subtle hint of cologne on the coat brought me back, feeling nostalgic over a time that may or not have ever happened.
Roy draped her coat over me once, I had fallen asleep but woke up to the custom made coat covering my body with Roy nowhere in sight. It was an instance of her caring for me despite never stating it outright since things were never outright with Roy Ramit.
I stayed collapsed on the ground now placing the coat over my shoulders, like she did. Thankfully, the floor was covered in carpet but yet it felt cold still. My mind lingered on, going back to memories of when Roy was with me. She took me out to dinner one time, another time she surprised me with chocolates for valentines day in contrast to her usual flowers. Each memory broke my heart more knowing that she’ll never come back. She’s gonna stay gone forever till I meet her again in the afterlife..or maybe in another life.
My body began to tremble as I began sobbing again, the guilt from our last interaction replayed itself in my mind. We argued, which we do on occasion, and it was over the same thing; her absence. Roy being gone for most of the year pained me but I knew I couldn’t leave. I knew that somewhere in her heart, she was hurt also for leaving me all the time.
“Leave then! In fact, leave forever since that’s all you ever do!” Was all that echoed in my mind, that’s the last thing I ever told her and now? It’s true, she did leave me forever in her own volition or not doesn’t matter. She’s gone. My everything has left me.
I want her affection now, more than ever before. I want her kisses, her hugs, her body against mine. Heartbeat to heartbeat, to prove that everything we did was true to us both. I bring up one of the sleeves up to my lips and place a kiss on it. A kiss becomes several before I’m now biting and licking the sleeve. It felt like I was in a daze, she’s here with me now, I know she is.
It’s not till I realize how ruined the sleeve was that I halted my maddened actions. There was a damp spot where my mouth had been, feverishly making out with a sleeve on the floor of our bedroom. I then finally got up from the ground, feeling the embarrassment of my previous actions take over the grief and head towards the bed and lay down again. My eyes, now threatening to close from the tears that were wept. I kept the coat on, instead of my shoulders, I placed it over my body, treating the coat like a blanket.
Now calm, I stare at my surroundings. I notice the silver light from the moon pouring its way into the room from the window. Right, it’s the evening, and it has been for a bit. It’s all so solemn now, so beautiful yet, I’m alone now.
It’s been a bit, not too long, not too distant. I miss you. Ramit, Moriarity, My beloved, whatever you were then you still are to me. My wife, my everything, may you rest in peace. May we find ourselves again in some other place, beyond our plane of existence I’m not sure, just somewhere where we can reunite.
“Roy,” I whisper into the night, “I love you.”