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You were used the shenanigans, the trouble and the horror that came with the House of Lamentation. Well, you thought you were at least. It's not like you expected them to be all cupcakes and rainbows when you got here, but, sometimes they can go past your expectations of 'scary'.
Like today. Both Mammon and Lucifer were talking at the dinner table, while it would've been normal if Lucifer was just scolding Mammon about his bad gambling habits, they seemed to be talking about the meat they used for the stew you guys were currently eating. You couldn't help but notice the stares that everyone else was giving them. You couldn't tell if the stares was because they were mentioning it in front of you. Was it intrigue? Anger? It's not like you knew. ...Maybe not Satans or Beelzebubs stare,but everything still felt off. The more they spoke, the more the meat just felt..off to you. 'Fresh meat'.
At some point, during eating, you bit down on...meat..but fluid erupted out of it and filled your mouth. Normally you wouldn't question something like this, but this felt disgusting, wrong, raw. You excused yourself from the table, going to the bathroom, maybe you can clear the pit in your stomach there....and maybe spit out what the hell was in your mouth. Because what was that?
In the bathroom, you splashed cold water on your face, but you knew that wasn't going to help. Sure, you could excuse yourself from dinner, but you're still going to be hungry, still going to want to eat something and fill your stomach. It's a part of your nature after all. You can't fight it forever. You looked at the trashcan and spit out the meat..it was too chewed up for you to even know what it was, or..maybe you were panicking too hard. The night before, was it truly blood on Lucifers hands or were you just too tired? His gloves are red in his demon form, there's no way. It's not like he wouldn't do it, but eating the remains..? But Beelzebub...No, this isn't about him. You mentally scolded yourself. It's not like you were going to try and figure it out. That'd probably scar you too badly. Even if you have died before.
As you sat back down at the table, staring at the bowl in front of you, you couldn't help but wonder..is it truly cannibalism if it isn't your kind? It's hard to consider the thought of eating it when the memory of the sound of bones snapping and flesh being ripped tore through you. Would...Lucifer do that? Was this the Lucifer you always knew? Mainly level-headed, charming... But you do have to consider the fact he did try to kill you at one point in your stay here. But...the thought of him...doing that to someone.. you couldn't tell if it disgusted or aroused you..
The thought of the man you loved,doing such a thing...it should disgust you, make you revolted, yet you felt..aroused? A tingling forming in the bottom of your stomach. You wanted to push it down, scold yourself mentally, tell yourself you were wrong for enjoying the thought of it. And yet. you just couldn't stop. You couldn't stop the tingling that was starting to make your skin flush, your legs tremble. Feeling disgusted with yourself out of pure arousal wasn't what you were used too. Noticing little details in everything you wouldn't have noticed earlier if you weren't in such a shitty state.
When Lucifer noticed your more nervous look. At least that's what he assumed it was. The way you refused to look anyone in the eyes, you squirmed, fidgeted. After a while of giving you a concerned but suspicious look, he spoke up.
"Are you doing alright, dear? I couldn't help but notice that you...look a little tense over there. Do you need to lay down?"
His voice was gentle and kind, yet something in his eyes almost glinted with malice. He knew, and that fact put shivers down your spine. You couldn't help but ponder if his eyes...were always that red...that hypnotizing...that...beautiful..you could lost in the embers of his eyes...if he didn't almost immediately snap you out of it, causing you to flinch before you finally looked him in the eyes again.
"No..I...I think I'm fine, but thank you for asking." Your voice was timid, and small. You knew you didn't mean it, he knew it too, but he decided to respect your wishes. If you truly needed some help, you'd tell him, right? Right.? Of course you would. You're supposed to. And you know that.
Sitting through the time at dinner was absolute hell, the warmth of your bed embraced you as you finally laid down, your mind replaying what you saw that night. Guts, organs, a beating heart..a corpse..and in the midst of it, Lucifer...the man you loved maybe a bit too much. Everything about him threw you wild with disgust and lust, his pride, his charming demeanor, the way it almost seemed like he spoke down to you. You loved, but hated all of it.
The way his hand had caressed your cheek while your heartbeat had increased out of pure fear, it aroused you. It upset you. It disgusted you. And you still wanted more. There was something about him in that way that just bothered you in all the right ways. That demon..oh that demon. Maybe if you were a bit more 'normal' this wouldn't be a problem, maybe you would've confronted him at the dinner table. But you knew you couldn't, no matter how much you wanted to. A part of you wanted more, craved more, needed more. But you refused to give into something that...horrible. But have you done worse than that? Is there..times you've genuinely eaten demon meat without knowing? Why did the thought make you so confused, that would've disgusted normal people.
But you're not normal, are you? What part of you being here screamed normal? The demon prince, the 7 demon brothers, the angels. What part of that was normal? Not even you can answer that. Normal stopped being a thing when you got here. Normal stopped being a thing when you made those pacts. Normal stopped being a thing after Belphegor...you shivered. The embrace of death, was it any different? You didn't hurt the poor thing, but they looked so similar how humans looked. That meat you chewed on earlier..what was it..was that...was that an eye? You felt like vomiting just fucking thinking about it. They were demons, of course they'd do something like that, it just...felt all so conflicting.
You loved that man, you knew that one for sure, was it..him making you that conflicted? Was it the thought of eating someone? You didn't even know yourself anymore. You stared at the ceiling, you didn't know how long you did it for but you knew that's what you were doing before you heard that knock on your door.
"Darling? Are you in there?" You recognized that voice...damnit, it was Lucifer again. You didn't know if you wanted to see him or not, would it make you feel better? Or...would you just...explode on him? You didn't know, and you wish you did. With your voice shaking you yelled out, almost surprised with your own response "Co...come in." The sound of the door opening and dress shoes hitting the floor echoed in the room before they subsided. Red glowing eyes looked down at you, you couldn't tell if they were filled with malice or a hint of regret. It was hard to tell with him. Sure he has been open with you before but nothing is keeping him from just hiding from you again, emotionally, that is.