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Joel stared out the window of the room, the clouds reflecting his mood almost perfectly. They were thick with rain, barely holding it all in, those couple moments before a storm came crashing down. His own chest felt tight, heavy with the weight of his current circumstances. He wanted to yell and shout, throw something, or better yet just leave and never come back.
He couldn't do that though, not until his hour was up and his parents let him leave the therapist's office. He couldn't do a thing except follow their rules and go to every appointment they set. What he could do was sit in silence.
Some days were better, where Ms. Jang would steer clear of any of his borrower talk, where she would give him breathing exercises and thought games to try and organize his thinking. Those days weren't too bad and he could actually tolerate the therapy, but it was never enough. It always eventually turned to his medications… which in turn led to why he was taking them in the first place.
It always led back to Etho.
That bloody bastard who Joel could swear was still in their house but firmly hiding away. The man who opened Joel's eyes to a whole world of people and then decided to be done with him. The borrower who abandoned him when he had no one else…
And now he was alone again.
"Are you excited for school? I heard your parents got you in a different one to help maybe give you a clean slate." His therapist asked, trying to get him to open up even just a little bit before their time ran out for the day.
He heard the question, he really did, but Joel couldn't seem to get any of his thoughts settled enough for words.
It was a bad day.
His hand was shaking.
He hated when it did that. He tried to bring it up to his parents after it started, worried that his meds were the cause.
They didn't care, as long as it got rid of his delusions and psychosis. He could have whatever side affects as long as he wasn't spouting crazy talk about the little people in the walls.
"Funny to see them pretending to care" Joel mumbled, slouching down a bit and folding his arms, hiding the hand from view. He finally looked from the window, only to stare at his lap.
Ms. Jang 'hmm'd and shifted her position as well, interested now that she'd gotten a response from Joel. "You've mentioned a couple times before that your parents only recently started to pay attention to you."
Now it was Joel's time to 'hmm'.
"The more you interacted with 'Etho' the more involved your parents seemed to be."
Joel tensed at the mention of his friend the other. Why did they have to turn so quickly to the borrower? She was just talking about school.
The therapist continued, hardly giving Joel time to interject or try to change the subject, as she knew he would often shut down or deflect once they got onto the subject.
"You've said you didn't have many friends growing up, your parents were very busy. Etho was there for you. He was how you coped with it, wasn't he? Everyone needs someone, and you didn't have that."
He did have that, he had Etho. He thought back to moments when he'd come home from school, when Etho would be there all he wanted was maybe a hug from his mom. Etho couldn't give him hugs like his parents could.
Joel felt tears start to gather in his eyes, keeping his head low. He didn't want her to see.
"Joel, you had a very lonely childhood."
He felt small, small like a borrower, like the whole world was against him as he tried to just take any tool and make it work, but it wasn't made for that. He wasn't made for that. Etho knew how to do it. He always knew. But Joel wasn't a borrower. He didn't know how to handle it all by himself. He didn't have anyone to lean on. Mom and Dad didn't listen to him, school was a mess of spiteful kids, Etho abandoned him, and the bloody therapist only cared about trying to fix him.
"Humour me for a moment, if you would Joel."
His hand was shaking so badly, the tremors almost impossible to hide. There were minor ones starting in his legs that he worried would become just as common as his hand. His headache was getting worse and he just wanted to go to sleep. He didn't want to do thought games. He didn't want to do mind exercises. He just wanted to go home and have everyone else leave him alone.
"Could Etho just be a creation of your own mind so you wouldn't be alone?"
He wanted to yell at her to shut up, but it felt like too much. He hardly had the energy to keep sitting, let alone to get across the room.
"We're almost done for today, so why don't I just leave you to your thoughts,"
She turned away from him as though to give him some privacy.
Joel got his wish. He was left alone.
Alone like his parents left him all those years growing up, ignoring him as they pursued their own interest.
Alone like how Etho left him with no explanation, abandoning him.
Joel knew one thing; he would always be alone.