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It was impossible to dream right now.
With the walls moving further near, it was impossible to do anything but think about the moment.
Think about how she'd get home.
She needed to get home. Needed to be back with her. She needed to curl around her, kissing the crown of her head. Rubbing her fingers against her temple. She needed to feel the flutter of her eyelashes against her stomach as she held her. If Nanae surrounded her enough, nothing could ever touch her. The world would not hurt her daughter.
Dreaming was pointless. Especially now.
They had gotten away. Left behind a past of nights full of nothing admirable. Ran as fast as their feet would take them before anyone could wake up to see it.
Nanae still remembers the feeling of the wind on her face as she ran, knowing things would never be the same again.
It was freeing, back then. Maria must have felt it too, because when they faced the sun, she had laughed and smiled and reached out a hand towards it. Silly, because Maria had seen the sun so many times before, had basked in its light during nap times with Ouno. What made then so different? Nanae had smiled with her.
But she didn't smile towards the sky. She smiled at the girl in her hands. Maria was her sun. Ouno had reached for her and held on. She smiled for Maria. Her hope, the only pure thing in the world. White hair, eyes the same as hers.
It meant something.
She would never be hurt again. Her daughter wouldn't be hurt. Her daughter would never have to kneel in prayer for hours if she didn’t want to. She would never have to take part in the things they made Nanae take part in.
Still…despite their departure, it was hard to trust her parents.
Nanae had cried into her mother's arms. Had begged for her to never take her back there. She couldn't go back there. Her mom had promised, pledged that no matter what happened, no matter how bad things got, no matter how much it followed them, they wouldn't ever go back.
She knew she was being honest when she said that.
Still, no matter how many times her father comforted her, no matter how many times her mother held her, she couldn’t have truly felt safe with them. And so she twisted and turned and did everything she could to make sure nothing would ever touch her Maria. But now that she was away… what was stopping them?
Angry. thats what she was. It was a steaming, boiling anger. Deep, deep inside her. It was a hot, fuming feeling. A giant pit inside her stomach— were those nerves, paired with her madness?
What could she have done to make sure nothing— nobody hurt her? Ouno Nanae had seen firsthand how cruel this world could be. She was born from that cruelty. From the desire to manipulate; to control.
Ouno wasn't made from love. Her mother and father loved her, of course, but it wasn't an act of love that brought her into existence. She was born because that was what expected. That was what was taught.
And then, not only just her parents, not only just Shinsei Ketsuen Kyoudan, but the people who took her here, too. They'd been inside her house. Inside her room. Inside her daughters room for long enough to find that picture. Who knows what else could've happened while they were there. And the people outside of that. The world could be a harsh, awful place. She needed to stand by her for that— needed to watch over her.
Mother's need to be there for their children. She needed to be there for her child. So if she had to bite and scream and hit her way back, she would. Crowbar in hand. She would do that as much as she had to. She would do as much as she could.
Even now, standing in a room without any doors, completely, utterly trapped, she tried it. Pushing against the walls with a regained energy, punching and kicking and screaming fervently. Pain blossomed in her knuckles, paired with the throbbing of her head, she felt dizzy.
She didn’t feel bad when she snuck into the kitchen, stealing away the first thing needed to set her plan in motion. She didn't feel bad when she dropped the microwave on him. Slipping into the crowd, she didn't feel bad as Maekawa pulled Ogura off of him.
She didn't feel bad for what she had done. Only for what would happen now and onwards. The ends justified the means. Maria was her goal, solely.
She didn't know Akiba. She didn't know Ogura, either. Or Ikeda. She didn’t know any of the people here well enough to feel bad for them if she got away with it.
Well, maybe Ruka. But was Ruka any more important than her daughter? Not by a long shot.
She wasn't close with anybody here. Nobody at all. You can't form a real connection with someone in just four days.
However, back in Shinsei Ketsuen Kyoudan, had she ever really connected with anyone?
Sure, she could bond with the other children over shared injuries and hurt, but it was never personal.
She didn't feel linked to the people there. Not in the way she was linked to Maria. Or to Eisuke. Or to her friends in the circus.
Or, maybe to the blooming friendship she had with Ruka, (Was Ruka any different from the children back then? Handcuffs were forced proximity. Would she have even wanted to befriend Ruka if it weren't for that?) Yokoi was definitely the closest thing she had to a friend here.
Then again, Nanae had always had trouble connecting. Would more time have done her any good? The connections she had made when she was younger were forced. She had no hand in the matter. Aoto was kind, but she didn't choose to marry him. She didn't love him. For the short time they were together, he was kind. He did his best to stay in contact with Maria and Nanae after they left, too. He visited as often as he could.
That was more for Maria than it was for her. She didn’t blame him.
She and Hio Eisuke had formed a connection. She liked him. She liked watching movies with him, and shopping with him, and practicing her routine as he watched. Having him by her side felt rewarding, after so many years of struggle.
“I feel it kind of drags.”
“A little, yeah. But…I feel like people like when it drags.”
“Makes you look…elegant.”
“Theres a difference between elegant and boring, though.”
“Yeah, but… You tow the line well.”
He flattered her. He didn't judge her. He supported her no matter what.
She respected Ruka. Appreciated how hard she had tried to get them all organized. To get them all to stick together. Find a way out, no deaths needed.
Ouno had promised her she wouldn't kill. Not if the group stuck together, atleast.
They were more divided than ever. That was partially her fault, what with all she had put onto Ikeda, but…
She made her final decision then, eavesdropping in on Ogura and Akiba's late night conversation.
He didn’t have a family. Not one that would accept him, atleast. There was nothing for him to go home to.
If she had more time, maybe she would've thought it out more. Her desperation was clear. Clear when she stole the microwave. Clear when she targeted Ikeda. But she had something to go home for— somebody.
Even now, fighting against an impenetrable wall, nothing had changed. If she was given more time, would she have broken through it?
It was only when the walls got too close that she stopped fighting, squeezing her taut the way a juicer would an apple.
Ouno is a whirlwind of thoughts, a tornado spinning through a field of useless unimportant people. She turns on her heel, feeling the crack of her elbow as she pushes it inwards. Burning, searing pain— had Ikeda felt like this when she voted for his arm to be dislocated? Once the bat struck down, did he feel as helpless as she did now?
Things are slowing down now. Or are they speeding up? It hurts, she's too dizzy to tell. She can feel herself falling back into some sort of daydream.
Now isn't the time for dreaming, she reminds herself.
She says that, and yet… in the back of her mind, she's in a flower field.
Laying beside her is Maria, cheek pressed against her side as Nanae's hands twist a daisy into a circle, linking it into a similarly-shaped carnation. Nothing else matters. In the moment, its just her and her baby. Her and hope, the sun, and the flowers surrounding them.
Nanae pokes her cheek. Maria giggles. The buzzing of the cicadas pulls them both into a dozing state. The clouds are a clean, beautiful white, layered on top of the sun. It rained earlier, and the sun has only just now began to come out to say hi. Despite the rain, the field they lay in is completely dry. They are not muddied by the earlier storm. She grabs for the girls wrist and slides the flower cuff over it. It's a bit too big for her.
Now was not the time for dreaming, even if she'd be anywhere else but here. The walls are cold, pressing into her muscle and skin as she ends up on the floor. She can’t move her arms. Nor her legs. Is she crying? Despite this... she subjects herself to be back in that flower field.
The flower field is warm and the sun shines down upon her. Maria sits up, smiling innocently, flopping back down onto her completely. She could stay here, unburdened, for as long as her mind would allow.
Willing her breath to steady, she contorts herself into one final position. She's going to die. She's not going to make it out to see Maria. Nor her mother or her father. Nor the people at the circus.
She won't ever see the sun again, will she?
The revelation scares her. Her breathing speeds up again.
You’re in a flower field next to Maria. The world is calm. Carnations. Daisies. Bluebells. Coreopsis. Peonies.
Despite her dreams, Ouno Nanae's last breath is not one of contentment.
It is one of fear.