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♫ - Claud - Easy
A familiar knock at your door drew you off your couch and over towards it. A knock you hadn't heard in over a year. Opening it, you were disappointed how right your intuition was.
"Hey," said Sam. His hands were raised in a defensive position, like he was surrendering incase you killed him. "It's been a while, I know, can I come in and explain?"
You narrowed your eyes at him, leaning against your doorframe and sizing him up for a moment.
Sam Wilson, the Falcon. Captain America's trusted friend and one of the USA's greatest assets. Now Steve's gone and John Walker lost the rights, it's Sam's job to lead your country as the new Captain America. But to you, he was none of that. To you, he was Sam the Enigma.
Before he had disappeared, you and Sam had a strange type of relationship. It wasn't labelled as one exclusively, but neither of you sought out other romance. You would eat together, go on cinema dates together and often times stay together when you slept. He would listen to your problems and hold you when you cried. You would support him when he came back exhausted and patch up his wounds.
Between you, there was love. It was fleeting touches, gentle nights spent in the comfort of each other's presence. It was special. It was love without a declaration.
Stepping aside, you nodded your head to let him come in and closed the door behind him. He was in his new suit, so you had assumed he was fresh back off some assignment. Sam always was busy with one thing or another, something you understood all too well.
You'd met Sam originally after Tony Stark had introduced you. You worked with Tony and Dr. Banner in his labs, helping out on different technological advancements and by default, suit upgrades for the Avengers and friends. Sam had come in one day enquiring about possible upgrades for his wings.
"You'd have to ask this superstar here," you heard Tony say that day, as your head rose up and your eyes made contact with Sam's. He had a charming smile on, as he held his hand out for you to shake. You smiled back and took it. "The best we have here, this girl. You want advancements, you talk to her. My little Whiz Kid. I'll leave you two alone."
"All this time, he still thinks I'm 17 or something, fuck." you sighed and Sam let out a laugh.
You'd chatted with Sam for hours, drawing up different designs and talking him through the tech that would be needed to make his wings a little sleeker. He didn't understand a single word. In truth, he was a little enamoured with the pretty girl sat in front of him, so he just allowed himself to nod when you pointed stuff out.
"You have no idea what I'm talking about do you, Sam?" you let out a breathy laugh as you ended your sentence, and he joined in.
"I have no idea, I really don't. Imma be truthful here, I just wanted to keep talking to you."
You were giggling, and he was charming. Sam left you with the project as he needed to shoot off somewhere, but you were happy to know that you would be seeing him again.
After that, the rest was history. You saw him everywhere, intentionally and sometimes not so intentionally. Sam would pick you up for coffee, or take you out on walks where you could get to know one another outside of the superhero life. Well, his superhero life and your assistant to the superheroes life. It was busy for both of you, but somewhere you found the time.
Sam always made sure to check in with you here and there, and always let you know he was safe. You wouldn't admit it out loud for fear of Tony's relentless teasing, but when Sam went silent on his missions it ate away at you. Why, you didn't know. But it did. You could barely eat or sleep until you knew he was home, or at the very least that he was safe. Those were the moments you realised you cared too much.
Which is why now as Sam sat on your couch, all of those feelings came flooding back. Feelings you had been trying and subsequently failing to ignore. Your eyes glanced over him, and he looked tense. Heading to your kitchen, you brought him back a drink and sat down next to him.
Even after all this time, your instincts made you care for him.
"Thank you," Sam's voice was low. "I appreciate it."
"I don't want to hear your excuses, by the way. I just want to know what you're doing here."
Sam had predicted this. He knew you would be upset, and he knew that you'd be quiet volatile. He'd seen you argue with Tony enough to know that, and he wasn't about to forget when you put Steve in his place one time. The Falcon was prepared, so he thought.
"That's fair. Can I explain why I was gone?" he asked, and you shook your head.
"I told you, I don't wanna hear it. You left. It's over now. What do you want?"
"No," he placed his drink down and turned to you fully. "It's not over. We're not okay right now and to me, that ain't fine."
You scoffed a little, tightening your lips in a sarcastic smirk.
"You know," you started, more venom in your voice than perhaps you intended. "Maybe we wouldn't be like this if you hadn't left without a word for a year. Sam, maybe, just maybe we wouldn't be like this right now."
"I had no choice-"
"Yes you did!" You were shouting now, unable to hold back the emotions inside you. You were angry, sad and happy to see him all at once. But, those feelings of anger overcame the happy in that moment. Taking a deep breath, you calmed your voice before looking away from him.
"Silence is always a choice."
Sam took a moment to look at you, trying to find something to say. He hadn't predicted that and it turned a gear in his head.
It hurt you to be so cold with him, and it was almost impossible. You loved Sam too much to ever be this angry, but you wanted your emotions to be clear enough. All you wanted was to jump into his arms, but you wanted to make him see how badly this had affected you.
His eyes roamed across your face, the tears falling gently from your eyes. All he wanted to do was reach out, to stop you from crying knowing it was his fault in the first place. But, Sam also knew you could kill a man just as fast and he valued keeping his limbs. It hurt him to watch you cry, and to feel helpless watching you.
Then it hit him; that was probably how you'd been feeling this entire year.
"Hey," Sam's voice was soft now, and he spoke your name sweetly. "Hey, look at me."
You lifted your head a little to meet his eyes, unsure as to why you were taking orders from him. But, you couldn't help it. That man still had your heart. As your eyes met, a small smile graced Sam's face as he continued to talk.
"There she is. Let's talk, okay? Get it out. What is it that's eating at you, sweet?"
You sniffed, composing yourself and trying to muster a semi level and normal voice. Instead, it came out quiet and cracked.
"You left me and it hurt like fuck."
Sam nodded his head. "I know, and I'm sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was leave you like that."
"I know we weren't like, dating or whatever," you continued, hoping you would find the rest of your sentences along the way. "But it stung like I'd just lost the love of my life. No word, no letters, nothing. Sam, the only reason I knew you were alive was because I saw you on the news. I couldn't even contact Bucky."
You didn't know at the time, but you know now that Bucky was with him. All it would have taken would have been a quick note from either of them. You'd be chewing Bucky's ear off too when you saw him again, you knew that much. You couldn't wait; other than being with Sam, your favourite pass time was bantering and fighting the super soldier.
The silence grew tight around you both, as the night came in outside and the light from your candles was the only thing illuminating your apartment. It was fitting in a way, the tender candlelight. It gave the situation a little more weight.
"You think this didn't hurt me? All that time I was gone?" Sam's face was serious and he was looking you right in the eye. "You think I didn't think about any of this every single day of my life? Losing you was by far some of the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life."
"You don't mean that," you protested, trying to find a logical argument but finding none. "There's no way I was worth that much to you."
Somehow, Sam's voice remained calm despite the raw emotions building up in him.
"You want to argue what you were worth to me? Fine. You were worth everything to me. If you had told me to give everything up and move to the mountains of Italy then I would have. I needed you like I have never needed someone before. You were my world, and every day you were absent in my life was a day I realised that I loved you."
"Loved me?" you spat bitterly. "Running away like that is not how you treat someone you love."
"Running away like that is the only way I could protect you." Sam's calm facade was slipping away, and his voice was growing increasingly unsteady. "The last thing I wanted was for you to get hurt."
"Yeah, well look what happened."
Your sentence stopped the conversation in its tracks, Sam having no real answer for that. Instead, he looked down and fiddled with his hands, trying to regain some semblance of control in himself so he could sort the situation out. He wanted to make things right for good.
There was no way in hell Sam Wilson was losing you again.
"Can I make this right?" he asked, a sound of genuine honesty in his voice. "Because I want to. I don't want to walk away from you again. At the time, I thought my actions were right, but I didn't consider how much they would hurt you. I just-"
Sam's monologue was cut short by you taking both of his hands in your own. A quiet act of care, and one that told him to shut up. You gave his hand a gentle squeeze, and he breathed a small sigh of relief. As you looked up, you met Sam's eyes with a twinkle.
"You know I helped make that suit, right?" Sam's eyes widened and you nodded. "Yeah. I was in Wakanda to learn, and they taught me so much about their technology. I learned shit I didn't even know existed, you know? You wouldn't believe the tech that goes into a set of kimoyo beads."
As you spoke, Sam was just watching you with bright eyes. You were being open, talkative but not as happy as you once were. But it was an improvement on twenty minutes ago, and the feeling took Sam back to when you'd first met at Tony's lab. He smiled at you as you continued to talk.
"Anyway, I was there helping Shuri work on some wiring for the Wakandan's new daggers when Ayo brought the order in from Bucky. Once I'd heard your name, I was a little stunned to speak, but I knew I had to help. Because even if I never got to speak to you again, I would at least be with you in some form for the rest of your life."
Your words hit him like a truck, but you weren't done there. "Did you see your sleeve?"
Sam shook his head. Gently, you took his wrist and flipped it so he could see the outside. He hadn't noticed it at first, but on the outside of his left cuff was a small embroidered mockingbird; a symbol that he associated with you. It was the same one on your necklace you always wore.
Sam's heart shattered. "Oh my god, come here, babygirl."
That was it. You started crying as he pulled you in, his strong arms wrapping around you like he had never stopped. You sank into Sam's chest, letting out sharp sobs as he held you. Leaning back, Sam let you climb into his side, his face pressed gently into the top of your head. His hands roamed up your back as he rubbed soothing circles against your shirt, whispering to you that it was okay and he's here.
"Look at me," Sam spoke, his voice breaking through your cry, which had significantly calmed down. You looked up, bleary eyed and tear stained face, and still Sam looked back as though you were the prettiest thing he had ever seen. You sat up, but stayed close to him as his hands rested on your waist. "I'm gonna talk, you're gonna listen alright?"
He gave you a chance to answer, and you nodded as he carried on.
"I never stopped loving you. I do now and I did before I left. But I didn't know if you felt the same, or if you would want to be tied down to me when I could disappear at any moment. I don't mean like the blip, I mean gone. I couldn't put you through that, or at least I thought. But now I realise I already have, and I am so sorry for that. I am not willing to do that again, and if you'll have me, I would love to try again."
You took his words in, and couldn't help but smile at him. It was sheepish, shy smile as you wiped the remaining stray tears away. It was ridiculous how you'd never been able to resist this man's charms, and it was even worse that he knew that all too well. Sam lifted your head to meet your eyes once more.
"Something else that might sway you," he said, and reached below the collar of his suit and pulled out a necklace.
You let out a small gasp, barely audible as your face contorted into one of slight shock. Around his neck sat a gold chain, with a mockingbird charm at the end with it's wings spread. You'd bought it for him one year as a gift, a way for him to keep you with him on missions and a reminder that you were always waiting for him back home. That was probably five years ago at least, maybe more. You were shocked he still had it and it was in such good condition. You'd woven the one into his suit in case he no longer had that necklace.
"Sam," you whispered. "You still have it after all this time?"
He nodded, holding you closer now. "I never took it off, sweet. I never wanted to lose that piece of me, my one sense of normalcy. Every time I needed grounding, I'd hold the bird in my hand and think about you."
"You really missed me that much? I meant that much to you?" Your question was so timid, as if you feared what he was about to say. Sam's whole face softened, as he lifted you with ease to sit on his lap, your legs either side of him.
"You have no idea how much I missed you."
Before you could talk yourself out of it, you leaned forward and kissed him. Your arms found home around his neck as his own wound around your waist and held you against him. The kiss deepened and you lost yourselves in one another for a moment. His kiss was passionate, and you were kissing as though this was the last time you could do this. Pulling back for a second to regain your breath, you rested your forehead against his.
"Jesus," you laughed out a little, and Sam joined in. "I should have kissed you so long ago."
"Damn right you should."
You swatted him a little, and he caught your arm and attacked you with a tickle. Sam knew all too well how ticklish you were and soon you were breathless and laughing more than you had in quite a while. It felt domestic and it felt right for the first time in so long.
Eventually, Sam let up, and you were now at opposite ends of the sofa. The air grew quiet once more, but not uncomfortably now. It was merely just a gap in the night, a welcomed one for the moment.
"So, you made this thing?" Sam asked, glancing down at his suit as he stood up. "I gotta say, I really like it."
"I helped out. I designed it, drew up the concepts and worked on the wings just as I always have. You may be America's golden boy now but those are still my wings."
"So why no helmet like the others?" You assumed he was referencing Steve and John's suits which both had the top head helmets. Standing, you made your way to him and looked him in the eyes. Those beautiful eyes, you'd missed them so much.
"When I heard that this suit was for you, I knew it would need a different design. Other than trying to incorporate your old Falcon suit in the armour design, I really wanted the headpiece to be different. Something that would make you stand out. You're Captain America now, and you're going to change the lives of so many people out there. You've given hope to so many black kids that they could grow up and be just like you. You needed a suit that stood away from Steve and John."
Sam grinned at you, all teeth as he wrapped his arms around you again. You held his face in your hands, rubbing your thumbs gently across his cheeks.
"You know, I really missed you Sam. Don't leave me again, not like that."
Sam swayed with you gently, pulling you in closer so your head rested against his chest. Through the suit you could hear his heartbeat, slow and steady and it kept you grounded. He kissed the top of your head and spoke close to your ear.
"I'm not going anywhere, babygirl. I've got you."
"I never stopped loving you either, Sam."
Smiling, you allowed yourself a moment to rest in his arms as he rocked you, but you were quickly pulled out of it by Sam swooping you up into his arms as though you weighed nothing. Your legs wrapped around his waist automatically, and he buried his head into your neck. Leaving a few kisses there, you felt Sam's grin against your skin.
"Now, I want to get out of this suit, as much as I appreciate it, and into a shower. You should join me," Sam winked at you and you raised a brow.
"Oh, I see. Leave me hanging for a year and then expect to get me into a shower with you?"
He shrugged, dropping you at your bedroom door. "That's your loss then."
He started walking to the bathroom when he heard your mumbled retort.
"Wait. I didn't say no."
All Sam did was laugh in a tone that suggested 'I knew it' as you ran after him with towels in hand.
The night was spent eating and catching up, together in each others arms as though the year had never existed. He told you about the adventures he'd had, the people he had faced. You told him about all the tech advancements and the things you'd learned with Shuri. It was way past midnight when you both went to bed.
"You want me to take the couch tonight?" Sam asked, chivalrous as he always had been. A look of shock and disbelief crossed your features.
"I've just jumped into a shower with you, completely naked, and you wonder if you can sleep in my bed? That Steve Rogers gentleman stuff got into your system too much, didn't it? Or maybe it's Bucky, I can kill him later, no problem."
"No, it's not the two wise men, actually," he protested, but a soft gaze nonetheless. "I happen to be a decent person and thought I'd ask."
"Samuel Thomas Wilson, get the fuck into my bed now so we can cuddle and sleep. I've been deprived of waking up next to you for so long that if I don't do it now then I might just die."
"So what I'm hearing here is that you can't live without me?"
Sam rounded the door and picked you up, spinning you and placing you gently on the bed. You eyed him and pretended to be offended, but eventually ended up giggling as he smirked down at you.
"Hearing what you want, as always Wilson."
You jumped under the covers, Sam joining you and bringing you close into his broad chest. You traced your fingers up and down his skin in no particular motion, the cool of the dog tags and necklace bumped your hand every now and then. His hands found home on your back, his rough hands against your soft skin creating a nice contrast.
"I've missed this," you said quietly, glancing up at him to find him already looking at you.
"Me too, I've been missing this for so long."
You stayed in each other's embrace like that for awhile before Sam could feel you getting heavier, and his own eyelids straining to stay awake. His voice cut through the air as he spoke to you one last time that night.
"You sleep well, princess. I'll be here in the morning for you, as many mornings as I can."
You mumbled something but he couldn't hear it properly as sleep overcame him, the both fo you drifting into the most comfortable sleep either of you had in a while.
The world had been turned upside down and a lot of shit had happened in the past year. But, it had all been worth it; the pain, the anger and the sadness. Now, you had your Sam back, and he was in your arms again.
Your final thought that night was positive. You thought that maybe now things could get better. Hopefully with Sam by your side again, life might start looking a little brighter again. This was all you could have wanted, and all you needed. You were reminded of a quote you read a while ago, that stuck with you ever since you saw it.
"Forgiveness is the final form of love." - Reinhold Niebuhr