Work Text:
--- Gem’s Room ---
Gem was just lying there. Sure, her face looked peaceful, like she was just taking a quick nap in a field of flowers.. Gem likes flowers... but her body; her mangled, bloodied body portrayed a different story.
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Joel was still sat there, at the foot of the bed, all his friends had gone their separate ways after Gem had been bandaged up and declared stable but he.. he couldn’t move.
His body was weighted to the floor by barrels of guilt that pressed onto his shoulders, this was his family, the one he should have protected with his life; nearly dead in front of him and he didn’t even know why.
Why was no one telling him anything? Did they not trust him enough? Did they think he would be useless? Why wouldn’t they, in the face of this emergency he had panicked and sunk to the floor while the others picked up the slack. He felt like a canary in a cage, he couldn’t escape, he couldn’t be free. But he didn’t deserve to be.
He failed as an older brother, he couldn’t protect her, and he couldn’t even fix the problem. Instead, he just wasted away on the floor for days, hunger gnawing at his insides, making him weak and somehow even more hopeless than he was before. As an ogre he had to eat more than most, but he couldn’t leave, he couldn’t abandon her now. If he had just kept her safe, then maybe he would be allowed to get some food, but he hadn’t done that. So he deserved to starve.
The longer he stayed there, weighted to the ground, staring at Gem’s pale, gaunt cheeks; the more the anxiety ripped him apart. Joel had lived with this monster all his life, every memory he could conjure up, it was always there, hiding just beneath his ribcage, slowly sucking the joy from everything he did, clutching at his heart and stamping on his lungs. It moved like an oil spill on water, staining all he did with its impenetrable darkness.
He had spiralled once before; it had ended with him in the hospital; cold bandages plastered to his arms that he had covered with deep gashes from a blade not long before. They had looked alien to him; disgusting and disgraceful, he had let himself and his family down; his mother’s face had said it all when she saw him, the disapproval reeking from her very presence, masking the room in a suffocating display of resentment – he hadn’t seen her since and he didn’t plan to. That day had been his lowest, the day he tried to end it all. But it was different now, where he was once weak he’s now strong and where he was once alone now he has friends… but.. If he had just found a higher bridge.. he wouldn’t be here today.. but then he wouldn’t have found his friends and be living in this house.. but then he wouldn’t have to live with his ever-growing monster, taunted by its presence inside him every day. He could have been free from his cage.
He shook his head, but the thoughts never left, they replayed every night before he went to bed, screaming at him to try again and not fail this time. God, he was so useless, he failed at everything; making friends, keeping people close and even ending his own life, the scars never stayed on his skin for long enough and the scars in his mind stayed for too long. The monster started to extend it’s maniacal claw and clasp his neck, it knew it was winning, it always did.
No matter how much he shrunk into himself, trying desperately to squeeze the beast out from within him, it stuck like malevolent superglue, slashing his heart until it was going too fast and too slow at the same time, his breathing became as ragged as Gem’s but he wasn’t getting any air, his vision blurring as he slipped down onto the floor, cowering under his own shadow. The monster grew tenfold, consuming his soul and blowing out his light. The tears burned his cheeks as they burst threw his crumpled eyes, the weight of the monster on his chest flattening him, fastening him to his spot as he lay there alone.
It started to screech its oh so familiar song, “CUT, CUT, CUT” the sound of that one word bellowing into his ears and through his mind had him biting back screams of his own, his hands shot up to clasp his ears, his fingernails digging into the soft skin around his head, drawing blood.
At the sight of the crimson droplets, the monster grew larger still, its laughter overlapping its shrieks “You know where there’s always a blade… just get it out, you’re too weak to resist it, you’re a failure and you know it. You don’t deserve to be here with these people, they deserve better than you, just leave, it will be better for everyone. Go on, cut yourself you coward.”
Its taunting blocked out all the other sounds around him, he felt like he was in the void, static engulfing him as he reached down and unzipped his pocket. He hated himself, he hated his monster, but he knew it was right. He's a failure, a coward, no one wants him here, he makes everything worse, and he deserves to suffer for it.
The monster bellowed maniacal laughter all around him as he took the blade from within his pocket, still slightly stained from his blood, and put it to his wrist. Everything was just too much, and he knew that if he just cut, if he just gave in and slit his wrists open again, the monster would leave him alone for a while. He could have some peace for maybe even a few days while it just simmered in the background, he could deal with that, he had been dealing with it his whole life. He just had to escape this void where the monster thrived, it controlled him and Joel just let it happen, defenceless, useless.
The first cut was agonising, he went deeper and deeper until he physically couldn’t push any harder, he bit his hand to stifle the cry, he couldn’t let the monster have that satisfaction, the bite drew blood though, tears stinging his eyes like nettles in the woods and the monster grew stronger from his suffering, it’s grin flashing through Joel’s eyelids as he screwed them shut again. Bad idea. Still curled up in his stupid ball, he just kept cutting until his arms resembled a flowing river of blood. The blade fell from his shaky hands as he wallowed in his own self-pity, he was crying sure, but that sick part of him that the monster resided in knew he enjoyed it, he enjoyed the pain.. he deserved the pain.
Luckily, he was still bandaged up from his burns, they were blistered and cruel but that didn’t matter right now, he unwound the bandages and replaced them on his other arm; trying to cover up the fresh wounds as best he could, even though the blood seeped right through immediately, but his mind was still fogged with the monster’s cruel messages. Maybe he should just die, would anyone even miss him?
But as his mind cleared, the guilt hit him like a freight train, Gem was suffering right next to him, and he had just made it all about him again. He promised himself and his sister, that he would hide this as much as he could from everyone, even Lizzie, to protect her, she needs all the attention right now, no one else matters. So instead, he just shoved his jumper back down over his arms and pulled himself back into a ball on the floor, the monster still whispering in his ears but much quieter now, much more manageable. The void dissipated and he was back in Gem’s room, he could hear her breathing, that always calmed him down.
But even still, its grip on his stomach didn’t loosen, the green-stained tears still brunt holes like acid through his face and his breathing was still too fast.
He still wasn’t ok.