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It was just one of those days, the ones that lent to lounging around and doing fuck all. The two men were worn from the wet, summer heat. It was no better in their apartment as their primitive air conditioner refused to kick on; perhaps Goro kicking it didn't help, and the achingforming bruise scolded him so.
Before settling onto the couch together, they'd changed into tank tops and shorts and cracked a window, outside air finally cooling as the sun began its descent back into Earth.
Despite the heat, the couple's bodies melded to each other, Goro lazing in Akira's lap and Akira running his hands up and down Goro's arms, sometimes writing words into his skin and goading him into guessing what he wrote. The game didn't last for long before they fell into another comfortable silence. Akira used to run his mouth just to fill any undue silence, but after a year or two, he'd finally slowed down.
Goro suppressed a laugh as he reflected on the scene unfolding before his eyes. Never would he have thought he'd fall in love, much less with Akira Kurusu, never make it out of those confusing and turbulent teenage years, just to find himself in a boring but comfortable life lazing in his love's lap on a hot, summer day.
That was just it, though. Quiet was nice, but it was also boring.
"I'm bored," Goro announced.
"Then, find something to do?" Akira replied.
"No," he scoffed. "Not like that."
"Then, like what?"
"Like- like..." He reached out his hand and his fingers curled into an empty ball, straining to catch the right words. "I feel... How do I feel...?"
Akira's fingers met with Goro's forehead and dragged it down his left temple. "Take your time," he whispered. Goro swatted his hand away.
"Ick. Stop that."
"What?" Akira frowned.
"Don't treat me like one of your clients."
"I'm not."
"You are."
"I'm not-"
Goro caught Akira's hands and squeezed them tight. "You are. But it's... fine." He sighed. "I know you're just trying to help."
"Okay... I'd really like to ask you again. How do you feel?"
"I don't know," he replied simply.
"Come on, Goro. Try. For me. Please."
"Well..." Perhaps through some bodily intuition, Goro took Akira's hands and placed them against his body. Akira's right hand landed on his heart and the left on his stomach. "I feel..." Dig deep, Goro. "this emptiness in my stomach."
"Yeah? Go on."
The interruption invited a glare from Goro, but he continued, "Like I'm hungry. But... no matter how much I eat, so to say, I'm never... full?"
"Hm, right, right." He was still doing it, acting like a damn therapist. Goro stopped himself from making a comment. "And how does that make you feel?"
Fucking hell. Akira did not just say that. Was that not the most cliché line to ever exist?
"Ugh!" Goro, like some petulant child, snapped his head away from Akira.
Akira didn't place a reply where it was supposed to go. Just, silence.
An apology crawled up Goro's throat— because, that seemed like the right thing to do, maybe?— but he stuffed it back down.
"It's okay..." Akira murmured like the soft man he was. "I don't take any offense. Just- I think you should keep talking. Maybe it'll help you feel better to, y'know, sort out your feelings."
Goro pouted, stared at the barely-moving clouds out of the window, and fidgeted against Akira's body. Now that he'd unleashed the can of worms, he had to do something about it. Either, gather them all up, slimy and writhing, and attempt to shove it back into those constricting, dark walls, or just let it exist to cook in the sun and dry up.
Goro, in his throat, in his body, and in his mind, was drying up at the prospect of actually sharing.
Still, he forced the word out.
"Fine."
The silence swelled between them when Akira didn't respond. He was still a therapist in training, but he had the tact of a seasoned therapist. Most of the time.
"Go on. Whenever you're ready."
Goro had to dig deep again. How did he feel? Akira often told him to get in touch with his body, whatever that meant. And when Goro reached up to clutch his heart, he found Akira's hand still resting against it.
"I-"
Goro ground his teeth, jaw clenched as he parsed through his mental directory— the tool designed to capture how he felt— but its vocabulary was fragmented. It was like half the pages in the book were torn out at some point.
***
"It's called alexithymia," Akira explained. "It means that you often struggle to identify and put into words how you feel."
Goro scoffed in his face. He didn't like big words like that, the clinical kind that made him feel like something was wrong with him.
Well, something was definitely wrong with him, but Akira should've left the diagnosing to the actual professionals.
***
"Do you feel my heart?" Goro whispered.
"Yeah," Akira whispered back.
"It's slow, isn't it?"
"I'd say it's the normal speed."
Normal. Like anything about Goro was normal.
"Right... Sometimes it would race, and I wouldn't be sure why. But lately?" Goro looked up at Akira's stonysecure gray eyes. Kind eyes, the kind that'd never intentionally hurt him. "It's been so steady. A racing heart usually means trouble, and a steady heart... well, it'd have to be the opposite of that."
He felt safe, but he didn't know that; he couldn't know that, not with the broken tools he had.
"Isn't that good?" Akira murmured, question pitched upward with optimism.
Goro shook his head. "No. I just... can't rid myself of the feeling that something bad is about to happen. Just around the corner. Like the-"
"Like the other shoe is about to drop?"
Goro clutched Akira's hand tight, and his face lit up. "Yes! You've taken the words right out of my mouth."
Akira cupped Goro's cheek and flashed a gentle grin. Goro smiled back. "That's understandable. So much of your life has been full of chaos and people constantly letting you down. No wonder you have this feeling something bad is going to happen."
Oh, he didn't like this anymore. He couldn't explain it, except that it was a bad feeling.
Goro's eyes widened at Akira's pointed analysis and, before he could stop himself, he snatched Akira's wrist, tight, and dug his fingernails into his flesh, punishing his therapist for being so honest.
"You're hurting me," Akira murmured, but his expression was flat. Goro released his wrist just as quickly as he'd grabbed it and caught a look at the half-moon indents he left there.
"Sorry," he whispered. "I don't know what came over me."
Akira sighed. "It's okay. I didn't mean to push you so hard..."
He hadn't even pushed him that hard. But Goro proved incapable of handling his past with any ease or comfort.
"It's fine," Goro gritted. "I can handle it."
"Let's just..." Akira's hand fell into Goro's lap. "Sit for a bit."
"Okay," Goro murmured.
The silence between them was thick, uncomfortable, until Goro nestled himself closer to Akira, pressing his hand against Akira's heart. His heart was steady. So maybe that meant he wasn't upset at him. He still felt like he should say something, but no words felt right.
Instead, he peered out the window again and basked in the warmth of a yellow-orange sunset. Sounds of car engines and their annoyed horns filtered in. The occasional sound of a human yelling, cheering, or jeering made its way inside too.
Goro gave his best effort to clear his mind, but his thoughts raged on, incoherent thoughts and feelings with no real connecting thread or thesis.
"You seem bothered still," Akira pointed out.
"Perhaps." Bothered sounded like the right word. Akira was good at these types of things.
"Want to try again? I mean, talking about your feelings."
Goro sighed. "I guess. Whatever..."
"If you're okay with it." Akira smiled sweetly and caressed the top of Goro's hand. It was meant to be comforting, but the touch grated on Goro. "Let's go back to that empty feeling. Can you tell me more about it?" Again, he sounded like a therapist.
Goro was not going to bitch and moan about the therapist act. Goro was not going to bitch and moan about the therapist act. He wasn't.
The worms were in the sun, but they were still wriggling about, as was Goro.
Finally, he spoke. "I just feel... I don't know... confused? Like I'm missing something. Like... sometimes I lie awake at night and think, 'Is this all there is to life?'"
That was, in an entirely amorphous sense, a persistent struggle for him. The unspoken question remained: "What does life look like after you based your entire identity on seeking revenge against your shit dad?" He never thought about what came after the revenge part. Even now, he wasn't sure what he was supposed to be doing with his life.
So, he was left to drift.
"So, you feel unsatisfied?"
"I... guess?"
"Let me ask you, what do you expect out of life?"
"What?"
"Like, what do you want out of life? What are your goals?"
"I don't know," Goro replied lamely.
"Hmm." Akira was making a face, one Goro couldn't decipher. "Here, hold on." Akira turned and reached into the side table's drawer and pulled something out.
Then, he dropped a long, clear cylindrical toy into Goro's hand. With a child's intuition and curiosity, Goro rotated it. The sparkly substance settled at the bottom of the tube fell victim to the pull of gravity and drifted downwards. Mixed within that colorful, sparkly gel were shiny little symbols— stars, circles, and hearts— floating and following the tide.
"What is this?" Goro asked, still rotating the object back and forth.
"It's a magic wand," Akira answered through a smile.
"A magic wand?" His question was thick-coated in skepticism.
Akira laughed. "You say it as if magic isn't real."
"Outside of the Metaverse, it isn't."
"Well, pretend like it is. Just for now."
Goro squinted. "What's your angle?"
"I have a question for you."
'Is this another therapy thing?'
"What is it?"
"This magic wand grants you three wishes. Anything, absolutely anything at all, that you wish for will come true. So, what do you wish for? What's your heart's truest desire?"
"My heart's truest desire?" Bile rose in his mouth. "That's so fucking corny."
Akira, enthused, cupped Goro's hands. His hands were warm, a little clammy, but warm. "Just think about it! Anything at all can become true! You just have to wish for it."
Goro watched the stars descend within the wand and mused about it for a few seconds. He'd never been good at these types of questions.
"I don't... know. I'm not sure I want anything..."
"C'mon now... You have to want something! What about that new coffee maker you've been talking about? Or, that nice, new suit you've been eying?"
Goro let out a puff of air. "Those are just things that can be bought. I can do that at any time. It's just a matter of when." He rotated the wand 180 degrees. "Besides, I get the sense that's not what you meant."
"You're right... I guess it's more things like, 'Do you want to get married,' or 'Do you want to have kids'?"
Goro sputtered and covered his now-blushing face. "Don't say shit like that. I don't- I won't- that's not-"
Akira chuckled lightly. "I'm just throwing out examples. Just... tell me the first thing that comes to your mind."
"I can't think of any-"
"Three, two, one, go!"
"..." Nothing came to mind, or maybe he didn't even try.
"C'mooon, Goro!! Really try. Literally the first thing that comes to your mind."
"Fine... I'll try," he deadpanned.
"Okay. Ready?"
He dug deep. He dug so deep. He could feel it, just beneath the surface, the answer to his question...
"Three, two, one, go!"
Goro gripped onto the collar of Akira's shirt, tight, and leaned in.
"I want you to never leave me," he blurted out, eyes beading out. "Ever."
Akira stared back, mouth agape and eyes wide, and suddenly it felt like the wrong answer.
And then, Akira's eyes crinkled as he broke into a warm chuckle.
"That's it? That's really all you wish for?"
Goro jutted out his bottom lip. "I do. Is that so bad an ask?"
Akira enveloped Goro in his arms and rocked him back and forth in place, an embrace so tight Goro felt like he was physically suffocating. His clawing at Akira's chest was ignored.
"What makes you think I'll ever leave?" Akira asked, frowning. "We've been together for four years now. I don't plan on going anywhere."
Goro rolled his eyes. "You could up and leave tomorrow if you wanted to. I don't understand how you haven't gotten sick of me yet."
"Oh, Goro." He leaned down and kissed Goro's forehead, releasing him so he could grab his face and plant half a dozen wet kisses on him. Goro wasn't able to push him away, only flushed red and whined. "Oh, Goro, Goro, Goro, Goro. My beloved... I'm afraid you're stuck with me forever," spoken disgustingly saccharine.
Ick.
Goro buried his face in Akira's chest and groaned. "You don't understand. You can't promise me that. Everyone leaves at some point."
"But I won't."
Goro pounded against his chest. "Stop that! I don't like when people make promises they can't keep."
"Well..." Something hard slapped Goro's head.
"OW! What the hell?!" He looked up to find Akira spinning the magic wand in circles.
"Don't mind me. That was just my magic wand."
Goro rubbed his head. "This is abuse."
"You big baby." He leant down and kissed the affected spot. "There. All better?"
"No."
"Oh, stop the pouting. Anyways..." He flashed a shiny grin and spun the wand three revolutions. "The wand is doing its job. I'm granting your wish. I'll never, ever leave you, for as long as I live."
"That's not-"
"Rain or shine, sickness or in health, if we get separated by shadows, or if I'm thrusted into some parallel universe, then best believe, Goro Akechi, I would come to find you." He took Goro's hand and kissed it. "If we died and were reborn as cats, then I'd come and find you, no hesitation, and I'd give you a big ol' fish to eat."
"I don't think-"
"And then," He found the other hand and kissed it, "if some evil god changes you into a worm or shrinks you into a tiny human, I'll carry you around in my shirt pocket and show you all the sights and feed you black coffee in a bottle cap."
"You make it sound like you've thought-"
Akira lifted Goro's arm and peppered light kisses up it, eliciting a well-earned shiver from the other man. "And when we're old and gray, I'll lie to you and say you are as beautiful as the day I met you, but maybe it won't be a lie. Maybe I'll just love your wrinkles and your saggy skin and your silvery hair..."
"Akira stop..." Goro's eyes stung with offense. This was more than he ever asked from Akira.
"And if, god forbid, you die before me, then I'll never find love again..."
'Good,' Goro thought, 'something we can agree upon.'
"And I'll visit your grave a lot and cuss to myself that anyone ever let it get so dirty in my absence... I'll leave you flowers and I'll clean your grave every time I come... and I'll tell you about the world you so bitterly left behind, and I'll tell you to wait for me."
Goro sniffled, and Akira used his thumb to wipe away traitorous tears. Then, he pressed his forehead to Goro's and smiled and even sweeter smile.
"And then we'll be in Hell together."
Goro barked out a startled laugh. "Like you'd be found dead in there."
"I would, I would. If it meant being with you. I'd find a way to break out of Heaven, if they even put me there. I'll crawl, on my hands and knees, through flames, lashings, anything, to find you. My dearest Goro."
"I- I-" Goro choked on his words. His nose ran and his eyes ran and he was not sure he could even recall the last time he'd wept like this. What did he ever do to deserve somebody like Akira? "Stop it, Akira. I can't take it anymore."
"And then we'll have a little hell garden together and make hell coffee and sit on our hell patio and lament about how the weather is so hot. But maybe you'll like it because I know you don't like the cold and I know your favorite color is red."
The sound coming out of Goro's mouth was supposed to be a chuckle, but what came out sounded more like the cry of a strangled horse. "Oh my god, you're ridiculous..."
Akira crinkled his nose, and Goro kind of did feel like a little worm, held gingerly in Akira's hands— Akira's whole world.
"But you love me, don't you?" Akira asked.
"Yes. Yes, I do." Alexithymia and whatever other clinical garbage be damned, Goro had no doubt in his mind that the answer was always yes. "If you were a, uh... cactus, then I'd water you the perfect amount." He was not very creative, though.
Akira burst out laughing, a hearty belly laugh that vibrated beneath Goro, and wiped a tear from his eye. "Oh my god. A cactus? I g-guess that works. And what would you do if I pricked you?"
"Forgive you. Let you do it again." Goro was then the one to lift Akira's hand and kiss it. "I'd bleed for you. Relish in how beautiful you look coated in my blood."
Akira licked his lips and grinned. "Why does that sound kind of erotic?"
Goro moved in closer, not far from Akira's lips. "Because it is."
"I could never hurt you like that," Akira whispered, leaning to meet Goro's lips.
"And if I asked you to?"
"Then I'd comply."
"Enthusiastically?" Goro whispered.
"Enthusiastically," Akira murmured back, and finally kissed those gorgeous lips. Salty tears, snot, and saliva mixed into some confusing soup but Akira didn't care. No greater pleasure existed to bring his lover to tears— happy, relieved tears— and to let him know, with great verbosity, how much he loved him.
"Say it again," Goro whispered desperately, and kissed him even more desperately.
Akira gasped between kisses. "Say what?"
"Say you'll never leave me." He thrusted his tongue into Akira's mouth before he could even answer, an unconscious sabotage, because he knew Akira would say it freely.
"I'll never leave you," Akira answered, voice rough and scratchy. He pulled himself out from under Goro and laid him down on the couch, lifted his shirt and planted kisses against his bare stomach, which twitched beneath him. "I'll never leave you. God, I'll never leave you."
"Say it again," Goro forced through his teeth. "Say it like you mean it."
Shirt came off and so did pants. His words bounced off of the only fabric left to cover Goro. "You know I mean it." That's not what Goro asked.
"I want to hear the words."
"Oh? You really are insatiable. Is this the hunger you were mentioning? Needing my reassurance?"
Goro pushed Akira's head aside as a warning. "Don't start with that therapy shit again."
Akira let out a dry chuckle and tugged at the elastic band of his briefs, and off they went. "Let me show you how much I love you."
"It's not that I think you don't l-love..." Goro fell silent as Akira's devilish tongue swirled the head of his cock, goading, devilish eyes staring up at him. Goro covered his reddening face and looked away, but one curious eye peeked between his fingers to watch Akira at work. Akira drew up a line with his tongue, starting at the base of his cock and returning back to teasing the weeping head again.
"If this is all you know how to do, then maybe you really don't l-lov-"
In one swift moment, Akira sunk down and fully took Goro, pulling back up slowly. He cupped his balls, at the same time, reaching back to stroke the soft, fleshy spot just behind it.
"Oh my god, Akira. Don't do that. I'll come much too fast."
"Mm mm mm mm mm," Akira vocalized against cock, and a shiver shot through Goro's body, the vibrations almost too pleasurable.
'Isn't that what we want?' is what he attempted to say, not that Goro could reliably make any sense out of that.
Akira complied, though, and moved his hands to cup Goro's ass, caressing, squeezing and kneading it as Goro wriggled and whined beneath him.
"Okay, I-I think you've made your point..." Goro murmured weakly, full-body flushed and steeped in delirious want.
Akira pulled off his cock with a disgusting wet pop! and he flashed an innocent smile. "Does that mean you want me to stop?"
"Hell no." Goro grabbed Akira by the hair and shoved him back down, and Akira, ever graceful, took him back in his mouth. "I wouldn't- urgh- mind if you said it again though..."
"Mm mm?"
'Said what?'
Goro shivered at the vibration. "Stop that..." He ran a shaky hand through his hair. "I mean, telling me you'll never leave."
"Mmmm, mm mm mm mm."
'Mmmm, I'll never leave you.'
"Say it, mm, again," Goro whisper-yelled.
"Mmmmmmmm." Akira took him deep in his throat and relished in Goro's keening cry as he constricted around him.
"Say it... Say it, m-mmph..."
Just when he expected another humming line, he instead heard a raspy, "I'll never leave you." Hands ran up his legs and squeezed them tight. Then, up his torso, and Akira squeezed lean muscle tight. "I'll never leave you, and I wish you would just believe me." He crawled up Goro until they were face to face. "But I'll say it as many times as you need."
"God damnit. Just..." Goro palmed at his face. "Take off your damn clothes already."
Akira bit his lip and smiled. "Alright." The shirt came off easy with the help of Goro, and so did the pants, and when he expected Akira to tease his ass, he could only gasp when their cocks met and rubbed against each other most deliciously.
"O-oh!" Goro whined. "This is..."
"I don't have... the patience... Just... Let's be like this," Akira heaved.
Goro nodded. "Y-yeah. Okay."
He rocked his body in tandem with Akira's and, meanwhile, their mutual gaze never broke.
Goro struggled to look at Akira like this, wanted to look away, but it felt like a disservice to him. Akira was just so real, in his hands and his. He could be gone tomorrow for all he knew.
"Do you want me to say it again?" Akira hushed, as if reading his mind again.
Goro swallowed and nodded. "Yes. Please."
He wished Akira would dip into his neck and lay down kisses, just so he didn't have to look him in the eye as Akira repeated the words, "I'll never leave you."
"Again."
Akira rutted particularly hard against Goro's cock and groaned. "Never... I'll never leave you."
"Again."
Akira shook his head and scoffed, but his smile never faded. "I'll never leave you." Like words repeated too many times, the phrase stopped feeling real. It didn't discourage Goro from asking again.
"And if you wake up tomorrow and find you don't love me anymore?"
"Nonsense." Akira did dip down this time and press hot kisses to his neck, moaning into his ear as he ground against him. "No one can ma-ake me feel as good as, mm, you do."
"Prove it."
"Listen to me- ah, mm- listen to me moan and cry out for you. Mm. You know music, don't you? I sing for you. I sing for you... I sing for..." He muted himself against Goro's neck as he kissed it deeply and groaned.
'I sing for you,' echoed in Goro's mind, and then, 'It feels so good. It feels so good. God, it feels so- feels so... I never want this to end. Please, no... Don't end.'
"Don't end!" Goro cried out as his pleasure crested.
"Goro!" Akira shouted, nearly layered on top of Goro's plea, following his own release.
Finally, the movement ceased and it was no longer just them two in the apartment. The street sounds returned and the groaning whir of the air conditioner finally kicking on accompanied the two, sweaty and chest-heaving.
They just stared at each other for a second.
"Do you believe me yet?" Akira asked, out of breath.
"Yes," Goro said it like he meant it, like he wanted to mean it, and hoped it sounded convincing enough. Because Akira really could leave tomorrow if he wanted. Goro planned for it, most mornings when he woke up, expecting to open his eyes to an empty bed, but he rarely did.
"Good." Akira smiled. He had such a healthy flush in his face... "I don't want you to suffer or worry." He parted Goro's wet bangs out of his face. "If I could just take away your suffering I would. You know I love you, right?"
Goro nodded weakly. "Yes, Akira. I do know."
Akira kissed his forehead. "And you love me?"
"Yes, Akira," he whispered, and he didn't have to pretend to mean it this time.
"Say the words."
"I love you, Akira."
Sticky foreheads pressed together. "Thank you. I love you too. And, hey?"
"Hm?"
Akira tilted his head to the side. "Think about the things you want in life. The big things, and the little. It's good, healthy, to want things. And, not just, want me. I'll always be here. So... start dreaming a little bit. And I'll be right there to cheer you on."
Goro shook his head. "No, I don't need anything else."
Akira's smile grew tense but not unkind. "I can't be your whole world. There's so much more out there, and you have so much potential."
Goro scoffed. "What more could I want?"
Akira shrugged. "I don't know. That's for you to figure out."
"That's not what I want to hear."
"I know." Akira sit up, reached down, and gathered some of their discarded clothes. "Like I said, I'll be right there to support you. So, keep asking yourself the hard questions."
"Alright, Doc. Whatever you say."
Akira's eyes darted about the couch. "Hey, where did it go?"
"Where did what go?"
He shoved his hand between the cushions and pulled out that sparkly toy from earlier. "The wand! Remember..." He spun the wand a few revolutions. "You have two more wishes. I'd hate for them to go to waste!"
"Tch, magic isn't real."
"Then what is loving you? Because it sure feels magical to me!"
Goro laughed. "You're so corny!"
"Yeah, maybe... but you love me for it..." Again, Akira leant down and kissed Goro as tenderly as he could manage.
"You're right."
"So... all I'm saying... Just have the audacity to dream."
"Alright, alright. Don't beat a dead horse..."
"Alright, then."
"...You'd really carry me around in your pocket?"
Akira chuckled. "Yes, Goro."
"And the hell garden? You'd put that together for us?"
"Absolutely."
"Alright... I think I understand a bit better now."
"Great."
"Well then... uh, wanna wash up and go for ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Great. I'll get the water running."
"Great, thanks."
"I'll see you soon then."
"Yeah, see you soon."