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It started with the little things. Things she could ignore, or write off as being for other reasons. Trying keer for the first time, so that Kyr would stop giving her that sad puppy stare when she avoided it. Ignoring some of Markus’ shenanigans instead of yelling at him, because she knew he wouldn’t listen anyways. Knowing an argument was about to happen with Gregor and walking away instead of making things more complicated by actually having it out. Letting one of Inien’s jibes go unanswered, because everything she could say had been exhausted.
Ashe knew what really was causing this. She was still using her powers, still had no way of communicating with the spirit she was bound to. But she ignored it. As much as possible, even as she accepted other words for what she was, even as she began to think of herself as a shaman and a bridge and maybe even a paladin, she ignored the signs of corrosion. She didn’t want to think about how empty she was becoming, because there was always another and larger threat, so she forced it to the back of her mind.
Then she let too much go. They were facing some sort of monster tamer and his pack of beasts, creatures like wolves and oxen mixed together. Ashe hadn’t meant to, but one moment she was summoning the stone hand and the next she was staring at a crater and a lone monster tamer, quaking in fear of her.
She felt frozen when she realized, her head empty and her heart beating way too quickly. She walked away, leaving the others to finish taking care of the issue. To claim their reward and tell the townspeople that requested their help that they had nothing more to fear.
She stayed in the woods for a few hours, matching her breathing to the rustle of leaves overhead. She knew she should go back, knew she should apologize and reassure everyone, but she couldn’t bring herself too.
It was Kyr that found her, just as the sky was dyed red and purple by twilight. She didn’t see him, but he was loud enough that anyone would hear, tromping through the undergrowth. She knew he was giving her a chance to slip away, if she wanted to. He was considering like that, always.
“Oh! Here you are,” he said, leaning against a tree near the one she sat under. “Glad I found you. Everyone’s starting to get worried.”
Ashe shrugged. “I don’t know why,” she said plainly. “It’s not like I do much anymore.”
Kyr was silent for a minute, thrown off by her candor. “You know, I never thought I did much,” he said. “You guys are so cool! Gregor’s got his glaive, and Markus has his magic and imps, and you’ve got your stuff. You’re all so much stronger than me, and with so many different ideas! Markus has definitely made my range of inventions a lot better, I’d never have come up with half the things he thinks of.” He caught himself going on a tangent and coughed, trying to gather his thoughts again. “What I mean is, you’re an important part of the group, Ashe. Always.”
She knew he was trying to help her. But his words stung instead, hitting at her fears. “So you don’t care then? I’m still useful, so it doesn’t matter that I’m disappearing?” She glared up at him. “Is that how you mean? I just have to be someone you can call for help, and everything else is fine?”
“What? No! That’s not what I meant at all!” Kyr tried to rephrase himself, casting about for what to say. “Look, we know you’re having trouble.But Markus keeps saying we should give you your space, and I don’t want to scare you off like I did the spiritfolk in the Shrouded Isles, or make you feel like you have to live up to something, you know? You’re you, and we want you to be how we love you as, but…” He shrugged. “I know you can’t force that kind of change, to pull yourself up. Sometimes you just have to wait until the right thing happens to snap you back to normal. So I didn’t want to put you under pressure or anything.”
Ashe stared at him, considering. Kyr really had changed a lot, when she wasn’t looking. And he’d said ‘love’- what a funny thing to have towards her, when she was getting closer and closer to complete apathy. She sighed and shook her head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you.” She rested her head on her knees, looking straight ahead now. “I just… It’s difficult. I thought I had it, you know? When I was in the Ban village. But I’m so used to shoving it all away and ignoring it.”
Kyr sat next to her, putting his arm around her shoulders. “It’s alright. You don’t have to do everything,” he said. “But we are here. For whatever we can help you with. No matter how much change you’re going through.”
Ashe sighed again. She couldn’t quite bring herself to take comfort in his words, but they did help, a tiny bit. “Thank you,” she said. “I’ll try to remember that.”