playing with fire

by theboymeetsevil

Summary:

soonyoung doesn't do relationships. or strings. or repeats all that often, honestly. he's one of the best drivers on the circuit and he doesn't need to. the one exception? you, his biggest rival's on-and-off partner. he's always your first call when your relationship is splashed across the headlines again and he never seems to care.

Notes:

i am back! and hopefully going to be writing (posting) a lot more consistently now. this was for a collab on tumblr and i don't have much f1 knowledge but it was fun all the same!

Kwon Soonyoung doesn’t do relationships . 

 

Not now, at least. And why should he settle? He’s one of the best drivers on the grid. Always competing for the pole. Always in the conversation to end up on the podium for any given race. A five-time Driver’s Champion. People flock to him. Always wanting a piece. Always wanting to get just that little bit closer. It’s like they’re hoping some of his success will rub off on them. Or some of his fame. Always ready to give him exactly what he wants without him ever having to ask. The world is at his fingertips and he knows it. Knows that he can have anything he wants and doesn’t want to settle for anything less than that. 

 

It’s been this way for most of his career. Too much attention since he was 18 and making his debut. Too many ways for him to get into trouble. He had tried, briefly, to dip his toes into actual, committed relationships. But, they’re more trouble than what he’s doing now, he thinks. It’s too hard for people to understand the schedule and there isn’t really enough time in the off season to commit to building something. Besides, he’s been one of the names on everyone’s lips since his first season. And the one thing people seem to like even more than watching him race is speculating who he’s spending time with off the track. It’s just easier. Let them talk. Let the people in and out of his bed think what they want, too. 

 

Unfortunately, Kwon Soonyoung is also exceptionally talented at making everyone feel special. 

 

It seems unimaginable that, with a reputation like his, anyone could possibly fall for the lines that drip like honey from his lips. Slow and deliberate. Coating the skin of the nameless, faceless cycle of people that come into his life. The kind of things that should come out sounding sleazy and still seem to work for him. Maybe they do sound sleazy. He’s never really stopped to think about it. Doesn’t really care enough about figuring it out, either. As long as they keep working and he never gets bored. If there’s one thing he truly can’t stand, it’s that: boredom. 

 

Soonyoung looks down at another nameless woman, disinterested. Well, he knows that she gave him a name. It’s just that he could not be bothered to remember it. She’s sloppily bobbing on his dick. Treating him like she’s the lucky one. Like he’s doing her a favor by letting her blow him. And it’s honestly fine. Not the best, not the worst either. She had not seemed this desperate when he picked her up an hour ago at the bar. Now, it rolls off her in a way that’s entirely unappealing to Soonyoung. Makes it harder to appreciate it. 

 

She makes to pick her head up, like maybe she can hear his internal monologue and he only puts his hand on the back of her head. Gently but forcefully pushing her mouth back onto his waiting dick. It’s almost boring how quickly she complies. The least she could do is to make it a little more of a challenge. Could at least pretend she’s not falling all over herself to give him whatever he wants. 

 

Boring. 

 

When his phone buzzes, he considers checking it right away. But, he’s close. So close. The release is the only thing that’s really making this whole experience worth it. When it buzzes again, her motions falter and he groans. 

 

“Don’t worry about it,” he huffs out and it seems to be enough to get her to keep going. 

 

And maybe he should have shown her this level of interest from the beginning because her movements get more sure. More confident. Like somehow him dismissing whatever it is on his phone gives her the validation that she’s looking for. Ridiculous, really. He’s still going to check. He just wants to get off first. The nameless woman hollows her cheeks and sucks harder, letting him hit the back of her throat. Soonyoung’s whole body tenses and his fingers dig into the edge of the couch where he’s sitting. She pulls her mouth off him and gives him a single smirk, like she’s so proud. Then she begins stroking him hard and leans down to suck his balls into her mouth. It’s finally too much for him. He comes all over her hand, groaning at the feeling, stars bursting through the much needed release. The woman keeps stroking, more gently now as his body jerks. He throws his head back and sighs. Twitching slightly in her hand. 

 

Seemingly more confident, she gets up and smiles at him like she’s done something impressive. Like she’s the only one who could have him coming like that. Like she’s not just the latest in a line of people to be in this exact position. The blowjob had been good, sure, but nothing special as far as Soonyoung’s concerned. He’s not going to say that, though. Not because he hasn’t before. More because she’s already walking off to the hotel bathroom and he’s curious about who wants so desperately to interrupt his peace. 

 

There are only a few people who can cut through the specific settings he has on his phone when he’s hooking up anyway. It’s not a Do Not Disturb, exactly. More like he doesn’t want the usual string of never-ending notifications to disrupt him. Especially like tonight when he feels like he needs release or he’s going to die. And no, that’s not dramatic. 

 

Woozi : still with that woman you picked up?
Woozi : think you should see this…
Woozi : [link]

 

His chief engineer, Lee Jihoon, begrudgingly accepts the nickname Woozi, gifted by Soonyoung for Soonyoung’s use only. It comes in helpful, sometimes, too because it’s not automatically obvious to most people who he’s hearing from. Jihoon is also probably one of Soonyoung’s closest friends. One of the only people in the world that he trusts completely to see him exactly as he is without any judgment. Maybe it’s because Jihoon doesn’t try for moral superiority. Or to lecture him over shit that doesn’t matter. Or try to change who he is. Maybe it’s because he also could have been a good enough driver to hit the grid. Or maybe it’s just a strong bond fostered between a driver and his chief engineer. Jihoon is only the second chief Soonyoung’s had in his career and it’s been nearly 6 years already. The executives had been hesitant because Jihoon is the same age as Soonyoung and young for the job, but Soonyoung insisted and here they are. Whatever the case, Soonyoung knows before he clicks the link what he’s about to see. 

 

Another day, another headline where your personal life is splashed across some gossip site. Even though you’re kind of a socialite, it feels like your personal life should not be this interesting. This time, you’re not even pictured. This time, it’s just your asshole of an on-again-off-again boyfriend, Taylor Williams, getting a little too cozy with someone who is very much Not You. A real downgrade, in Soonyoung’s opinion, yet someone could argue he’s biased. The caption wonders if there’s trouble in paradise once again. Something that seems all too common for you and him. Another reason that Soonyoung doesn’t do relationships, because this kind of drama isn’t for him. Every other week it seems like you and Taylor are breaking up or making up. Sometimes commenting on the stories, other times just ignoring them. 

 

As a fun added bonus, Taylor Williams is also one of Soonyoung’s biggest rivals on the grid. Three years older, yet a little less decorated. Too accustomed to coming in second to Soonyoung. A fact that Soonyoung is always quick to point out. Each of the drivers also seems too quick to take a shot when they feel they can get away with it. Sometimes it works, usually it doesn’t. Most of the time it’s just the fans eating up the rivalry between Soonyoung at McLaren and Taylor at Ferrari. 

 

Yet one thing that Soonyoung keeps to himself in the rivalry? His connection to you. Partly because he’s not sure why he can’t ever seem to ignore you. Partly because he’s sure it would bring even more heat to an already tense situation that could impact his team. Any issues with Taylor are his own to deal with. It makes for entertaining races, so most people let it go. Some even encourage it. But, bringing their personal lives onto the grid? Too far, even for Soonyoung. So, you stay tucked in a little box. Only existing in his life behind closed doors. 

 

Soonyoung : seems like things are crashing and burning
Woozi : again
Soonyoung : this is why you don’t fall in love
Woozi : until she texts you and you kick out whatever poor soul you have there now
Soonyoung : how do you know i have company?
Woozi : please
Woozi : did you forget i was right next to you when you picked that woman up?
Soonyoung : it doesn’t matter, she hasn’t messaged me

 

Just then, his phone makes him a liar. He sees a notification banner flash briefly with a single name showing: Trouble. The sigh escapes on its own. 

 

Woozi : don’t do anything stupid and let me know if i need to cover for you

 

The nameless woman is back and frowning at Soonyoung on his phone. Her loss, though, if she thinks that she’s important enough to warrant his full attention after she’s already given him at least part of what he brought her back for. And her loss if she doesn’t know his reputation. This isn’t anything new. Maybe she thinks she’s going to be the one to get him to start acting better. To try commitment. Not like it would be the first time. Probably won’t be the last. 

 

“So, uh,” she starts and Soonyoung looks up reluctantly. Takes a beat to act like he’s actually considering his next steps. Like he hasn’t done this exact song and dance a million times before. 

 

“Sorry, it’s my team,” he starts.

 

“This late?” she presses and he checks the time on his phone. Rolls his eyes because it’s not even that late in this timezone. It had been a mid-afternoon start time for the race today. And Soonyoung had not wasted any time in picking someone up when they went out afterwards. 

 

“It’s not really that late,” he comments. Not sure why he’s bothering for someone he’ll never see again. “Besides, I have team members in a lot of timezones since we race all over the world.” 

 

“That’s still so crazy to me. That I’m here with someone who gets to see the world like that for work,” she says, stars in her eyes and he takes a breath. This is the last thing he wants to be doing. Too clingy. Shocking given his lack of care in finding someone. 

 

“Crazy, sure.” 

 

“So, are we gonna…” 

 

“I have to actually take care of this,” he cuts across. 

 

“Oh, got it.” Her face falls. If he were a better person, he might actually care. Try to comfort her. He’s not and he doesn’t. 

 

“Sorry,” he says, though he doesn’t mean it.

 

“No, I get it,” she says and tries to pull herself back together. “You’ll call me when you’re free again?” 

 

“Sure, yeah. This will probably take a while though. Maybe the rest of the night.” 

 

“Okay, well you know where to find me.”

 

Again, she looks entirely too hopeful. All Soonyoung wants is for this interaction to be over. Wants to get back to his phone and look at the notification from you . To make sure there’s no confusion, though there shouldn’t be, he walks with the nameless woman to the door. Lets her give him a kiss that he breaks quickly before muttering a goodbye and closing the door. Cold, maybe. Yet all anyone has to do is pull up a Reddit forum to see this is just how he operates. 

 

(Not to say that he ever looks at posts or threads about himself on Reddit because that would be weird and obsessive. Two things that he is definitely not. He just…occassionally notices when things come up. It’s called being well informed, thank you very much). 

 

After shaking the thoughts from his head, he opens the message from you. Just one word. Same as always.

Trouble : hey
Soonyoung : hey
Trouble : you busy?
Soonyoung : would it matter if I was?
Trouble : guess you saw the article
Soonyoung : do you want to talk about it?
Trouble : no
Trouble : can I come by?
Soonyoung : yeah
Soonyoung : [location]

 

Soonyoung starts the needless task of cleaning himself up. It’s not like you care. Not like you don’t have your own relationship that you’re hiding from by running to him. So, it shouldn’t matter if you can smell his previous release on him. Still, he likes to keep up with the song and dance. Likes to give some semblance that you’re not both doing something wrong by doing this. Not because he cares, not really. More because it feels like a routine. 

 

He cleans himself up, puts on a fresh pair of boxer briefs, and then grabs a bathrobe from the bathroom. Figures there’s not much point in putting on more clothing than that when you both know what this is. You’re not coming over to try and change who he is. Not coming over to hang out and talk about your feelings. You’re coming over to take out your frustration on someone that would piss your boyfriend off. That’s all. No feelings. No drama as long as it stays hidden within whatever four walls Soonyoung’s in at the time. No bullshit. Just a release that you both seem to need. 

 

The last thing he needs to do is call down to the concierge. The best thing about staying in nice hotels like this is that they’ll provide discretion for the right amount. Won’t ask questions. Soonyoung always takes care of tipping them up front in case he needs it. It works out in times like this when he needs to ask them to have a key waiting for his room. You can breeze into any of these hotels when a race is in town without raising eyebrows. You’re at the races more often than not. And you have the money to stay in nice places with or without Taylor Williams. The two of you also learned after a close call that it’s better not to have him answer the door or take a chance. Much better to have you get a key with the room number on it from a concierge that won’t tip anyone off. 

 

Soonyoung turns some music on low just so it’s not so silent in the room. Sometimes the song and dance is a little different. Sometimes you want to at least talk a little first. Have a drink. Sometimes you just want to get down to it and decide about talking later. He chances a guess that it could be the first this time since it’s not quite as late as he normally hears from you. Pours a drink for himself and one for you as well. Sits back down onto the couch and is thankful that the nameless woman took care not to make a mess of it. Actually, he’s just thankful they didn’t get beyond his blowjob. 

 

A moment later, Soonyoung hears the sound of the lock and the door opens quietly. You step inside and gently shut the door behind you. It immediately feels a bit different. You’re wearing the kind of clothes you go out in. Maybe not to a bar or a club, but to a nice dinner. He tries to rack his brain to remember if your parents are in town for this race. Given that your eyes also look a little sad, he thinks they might be. It’s always worse for you when they’re around. He remembers you mentioning once that they don’t care for the type of headlines your boyfriend brings. Or the way he reflects on the family name. Then again, you don’t typically care what they think. It seems to be part of why you keep him around. Or at least, that’s how it seems to Soonyoung on the outside. 

 

“Thanks,” you say quietly and hold up the key before dropping it on the table by the door. 

 

Soonyoung stands with both glasses in hand and crosses to you. Holds out the drink for you. “You sure you don’t wanna talk about it?” 

 

“That’s not really what we do,” you say, a little self-deprecating, a little to remind both of you. You throw back the drink in one gulp and hold the glass back out. 

 

He takes it with a little chuckle, finishes his own, and puts them both down on another table. When he turns back to you, he finds a nonexistent gap. You throw your arms around him and kiss him hard. Desperate. It catches him a little off guard, even with all the times you’ve been here before. It’s clear from that moment what you want, though. To just take what you need. He’s only too happy to let you because he knows it’s going to be mind-blowing. Like every other time. 

 

Your hands wind their way down to the front of his bathrobe, gently undoing the knot before sliding it off of him. It pools by his feet and he doesn’t bother worrying about it. Allows himself to reach out and pull you flush against his body. The expensive fabric of your outfit feels nice against his skin. Familiar. The scent of you invades his senses. Something a little citrusy with a floral undertone he’s never been able to place and you’ll never share. Something that’s also, somehow, a little…aquatic. It’s got to be something that you have made specifically for you. And maybe it wouldn’t smell as good on anyone else, but he thinks you could make a fortune. 

 

The way you kiss him is still demanding, your tongue tangling with his and a small fight for dominance. Of course, he allows you to set the tone when you want, but he’s still going to put up a little bit of a battle. Knows that you prefer it that way. And he doesn’t even mind that you’re still fully dressed because he knows it’s temporary. His hands wander down to squeeze your ass and you arch into him. Nip at his bottom lip in response. Neither one of you wants to come up for breath, it seems. Until you finally break apart. Eyes no longer looking sad. There’s that fire now that he’s so used to seeing. 

 

It’s all part of the game and he takes a step towards you again. You hold out a hand, splaying your fingers against his bare chest and shaking your head. So, he stays put, eyes wandering over your body. Slowly, you step out of your heels. Keep your eyes locked on his as you start to strip down. Seem to delight in the way he swallows hard when you reveal more of your body. It doesn’t matter how many times he sees you, it still hits him every time. 

 

“Breathtaking,” he utters, still audible over the low music playing in the background. It earns him a playful roll of your eyes. Sometimes, you claim to not believe him. That it’s just another line he uses on the stream of women that come through his bedroom. It’s not. Not with you. Not with the only person he lets back into his space time and time again. 

 

Somehow, you catch him off guard by stripping down completely. Not leaving anything for him to remove himself. You don’t let him wonder about that, though. Instead, you hook a finger into the waistband of his boxer briefs and pull him along with you to the couch. Push him down and straddle his lap to start kissing him again. This time is torture, though, with your bare pussy dragging across his lap separated by only the thing fabric of his briefs. His hands settle on your waist for a second before you move them to your ass. A moment later, when you drag your nails down his arms, he shivers underneath you. His dick twitches underneath you and you chuckle into his mouth. 

 

“Desperate for me, Soonie,” you coo, pulling back from the kiss. He would protest, but he knows you want him just as badly. Loves the way your lips are swollen already. Loves the feel of your skin against his. 

 

Instead of answering, he presses a kiss to your jaw and works his way down your neck. Resists the urge to bite down and mark you. To leave evidence that your idiot of a boyfriend isn’t the only one that can get up to shit. Only because he knows you don’t like anyone to mark you. You have a lot of functions to attend and don’t want the hassle of covering it. Besides, your appreciative moans are enough of a reminder. Enough to let him know that he’s doing just what he should be. As he kisses along your neck, you arch your back and he feels your nipples brush against him. It makes him take a hand from your ass and pinch one of your nipples. You roll your hips over his hardening cock in response and his eyes snap to yours. There’s a challenge there. 

 

One he welcomes. One he encourages. That’s the best part of you. You’re fiery and challenging and independent. At least when you’re with him. He’s got people falling all over him every time he steps out into the world. Here, he feels like he can exist just to serve your needs. Can have someone bold enough to take charge over him. You direct his mouth back down to your chest and he happily takes the hint. Sucks your nipple between his teeth and uses his other hand to dig his fingers into the flesh of your ass. He flicks his tongue over your hard nipple just the way you like. Nips at the skin just soft enough not to leave a mark and laves his tongue over the skin to soothe it. Then moves onto your other breast. Smacks your ass as you squirm in his lap to get him turned on. 

 

“You’re such a shit,” he says into your skin.

 

“You love that about me.” 

 

“Maybe.” 

 

“Come on, just admit it. You live for this.” 

 

His eyes snap up to yours, meeting the challenge. “I appreciate a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to just take it.” 

 

You lean back, breaking the contact, with a mischievous glint in your eye. Like it’s exactly what you’re waiting to hear. Like somehow you need to make sure he’s going to give you everything you want. Like he’s ever given anything less. And then, confusing him completely, you get off of his lap to sit beside him. He appreciates the wet spot on his briefs from you straddling him. Makes to adjust himself and you stop him.

 

“No, no, Soonie,” you coo, almost admonishing. 

 

“Aren’t we…” he starts, eyes knit together.

 

“Oh, we are. But since I’m pretty sure you had company when I texted, you’re going to take care of me first.” 

 

“Oh, am I?” 

 

“Get on your knees in front of me,” order and Soonyoung’s dick twitches again. It should not be so hot to hear you order him around like that. He swallows hard when you raise your eyebrows. Expectant. “Well?” 

 

“I’m just taking a minute to…”

 

“Don’t keep me waiting.”

 

“Patience,” Soonyoung pleads, taking another breath to calm himself the barest bit.

 

You pinch his nipple to get his attention and it does absolutely nothing to help him calm down. Just the opposite, actually. 

 

“On your knees in front of me, Soonyoung.” 

 

This time, he complies immediately. Settles down on the floor of the room in between your spread legs. Gets his first look at your slick cunt as you lean back into the sofa. It seems unfair that you should look so appealing like this. Sitting above him and relaxing like you’re in complete control. Like you’re not on the edge of totally losing it the way he is. He’s still kind of a shit, though. So, he looks up at you like he’s questioning what to do next. 

 

“And what now, sweetheart?” 

 

“Now you show me just how well you can eat this pussy and make me come all over your face,” you say, eyes locked on his, without missing a beat. 

 

Jesus. Every version of you is hot, but this one might be his favorite. The one who’s bold and unafraid to take what you want. The one who doesn’t care who Soonyoung is or that he can generally pull anyone he wants. The one that just wants to use him. Ask and you shall receive, though. 

 

Soonyoung doesn’t dive right in. Wants to at least work you up a little bit first. Spreads your lips open and licks a stripe up your center. Relishes in tasting your arousal because he knows it’s down to him. It’s clear that you’re impatient, but you don’t rush him. Not yet, at least. You let him lick into your cunt slowly. Squirm when his thumb brushes over your clit. Moan at each lick, though he knows it’s too slow. 

 

“Come on, Soon,” you groan with frustration. Finally. “I know you can do better.” 

 

It’s stupid to push you, yet he does it every time. And you come back every time. Just another part of the game, maybe. He heeds your request now, though, and truly dives into you. Buries himself as deep in your pussy as he can and eats you out like a man starved. Notes the way you squirm when his nose brushes your clit. Takes motivation from the way you moan. Lets you knot your fingers in his hair and direct his face to where you need him most. Smiles when you start to grind into his face. After all this time, he knows your tells. Probably better than you realize. Soonyoung knows your body in a way he’s rarely bothered to learn anyone else’s. When you’re always there, though, why should he bother with anyone else? 

 

When he knows you’re getting close, he pulls back. Doesn’t pause to see the split second moment of disappointment. He just guides two fingers into your cunt and starts pumping them quickly. Moves his mouth to your clit to suck it. Swirls his tongue around it and listens to the way your breathing hitches. Relishes the sound of his fingers fucking into your soaking wet pussy. Waits for your legs to squeeze against his head like they do every time you’re close. It’s only a few more moments before it happens. Your body starts to spasm and your pussy grips his fingers. He doesn’t let up even when you start coming. Only moves his mouth so he can lap up your arousal as he works you through your orgasm. 

 

The moment he feels that you’re coming back down, he slowly pulls his fingers out of you. Stands up and ignores any momentary pain in his knees because it’s worth it. He leans over you, bracketing you into the couch between his arms and kisses you. Sloppy and tasting of your arousal. You wrap your arms around him to pull him as close as you can in the awkward position. He can’t stand it, though, and pulls you up so you’re standing against him. Deepens the kiss.

 

“You taste so good,” he says against your lips. 

 

“You’re filthy,” you say, still a little breathless. You look down for a moment and then smirk back up at him. “Seems like you really did enjoy that.”

 

He doesn’t have to look down to know he’s tenting his briefs, yet he does anyway. When he looks back again, he sees that same hunger reflected back in your eyes. “Gonna let me fuck you for real, then?” 

 

You pretend to think for a moment. Act like you’re considering and he knows what you’re doing. Knows you’re goading a little. “Well…”

 

“Come on,” he says, playing along. “You know I can pull at least one more orgasm out of you.”

 

“Fine,” you say, like you need to be convinced. But, you grab his hand and start pulling him towards the bedroom. “Let’s go.” 

 

With anyone else, he would probably push back. Try to act like he had some sense of shame. With you, he follows along like he’s a little pussy drunk. Maybe he is. It’s just…well, he knows what it’s like to fuck you and will do whatever you want to get to fuck you again. If it means letting you get away with this little act, so be it. 

 

In the bedroom, you sit on the edge of the bed and look up at him. Watching him expectantly. He removes his briefs and lets his dick spring free. Very ready to go from everything leading up to this. Goes to grab a condom and strokes himself a couple times lightly before sliding it on. When he looks back at you, you’re moving to slide back into the bed. It’s not how he wants you, though. He grabs you by the ankles and pulls you back to the edge. Delights in seeing your eyes go wide just for a second. You bite your lip and regard him for a moment. 

 

“Well?” you challenge. “What now?” 

 

“Stand up and turn around,” he says. 

 

This is another one of the best parts about you. The push and pull of who is actually in control. With him, you take it just as easily as you give it up. And he doesn’t bother wondering if you’re like this with anyone else. He does, however, appreciate when you do as he says a moment later. Appreciates the view of you from behind, as well. 

 

“Beautiful from every angle, what the fuck?” he says under his breath.

 

You hear, though. Of course you do. “Such a charmer. I’m sure you say that to everyone.” 

 

He doesn’t. Not in that way. He’s an expert at making people feel wanted, but he doesn’t lie when he’s already gotten someone back to his bed. And there’s nobody that quite compares to the way you look without even trying. You’re looking for an answer, so he shakes his head in disagreement. 

 

“Do you want me to be careful with you tonight?” he asks, running a hand along your back to press you forward. Gently, since you haven’t answered yet.

 

“No.”

 

“Good.” 

 

It goes unspoken about why you might not want him to be careful and he doesn’t ask. Never presses you to talk about anything you don’t want to. You think that he might piece more together than you give him credit for. Still, you appreciate the way he lets you set the tone. Set the expectations. Never forces you into difficult conversations. He’s just there in whatever way you need him, seemingly whenever you need him. Something else you don’t ask him about. The way he always seems to know when things are falling apart for you. Maybe it’s a conversation for another time. 

 

Soonyoung spreads your legs and lines himself up at your entrance behind you. Drips a little bit of lube that you don’t remember seeing him grab between your lips and presses two fingers into you. It’s more than you expect after telling him that he doesn’t need to be careful. Until he presses himself into you and buries himself in one snap.

 

“Fuckkkkk,” you hiss. 

 

“You like it,” he taunts, gripping your hips. 

 

“Just because you gave me one orgasm already…” 

 

He moves one hand from your hips to cover your mouth and he begins fucking into you. The way he shuts you up so effectively shouldn’t be as hot as it is. You won’t ever tell him how much you like him. Not that you need to, really. It’s probably pretty obvious with the way your body reacts. After a moment, he moves his hand back to your hips and you cry out at the way he fucks into you so hard. So deep. Relentless in chasing a high. But, it’s always like this with him. His hips seem to move in the perfect rhythm. Proof of how much time he spends working out to keep himself in perfect shape. 

 

You’re gripping the comforter and thanking every decision that brought you here tonight because it’s exactly what you need. Soonyoung hitches one of your legs up so that it’s resting on the edge of the bed and you really think you might lose it. It lets him hit you even deeper. At an even better angle. Your brain goes a little fuzzy and you feel like a doll in his control. Like you might agree to anything he wants because it feels so damn good. 

 

It feels embarrassing that you’re chasing another high so quickly. But, the way he hammers into you is too much. He’s not careful. Not worrying about how much you can take. Because he knows that he doesn’t need to treat you like porcelain. Knows you like things a little filthy. Like feeling a little used. 

 

“I’m gonna come again, jesus fuck, Soonyoung,” you scream out. 

 

“Then, let go,” he groans back. 

 

That’s all you need to hear. You let go. Clench your pussy around his dick and he slows his thrusts to let you work through the orgasm. You have to move your knee from the bed so you can have two feet on the ground again. Soonyoung switches to an almost lazy pace that you don’t immediately register in your haze. While you’re in that haze, you expect him to be right behind you. Figure since he had been hard already that he can’t last that long.

 

You really should know him better than that.

 

Once you’re clear from the haze of your second orgasm, you realize he’s still slowly fucking into you. Register that he still feels impossible hard inside you. Realize what’s coming while you’re just about pushing too sensitive. Know it’s pointless to protest, and yet…

 

“Soonyoung, don’t…” you warn.

 

“Are you giving me the safe word? Do you want me to stop?” 

 

Of course, you know he’ll stop if you ask. Know that he will let you finish him in another way. Safe words and hard limits are one of the few long conversations the two of you have ever had. Figuring it’s necessary for this. It gives you a moment to consider. 

 

“No, I’m not,” you answer after a moment.

 

“Thank fuck,” he murmurs quietly. 

 

It registers that maybe he needs this just as much as you do. Maybe he has his own reasons for wanting to fuck you tonight. You hike your leg back up so your knee is on the bed again and arch your back so he can get the best angle. It’s all the permission he needs to pick up his pace again. 

 

And you feel everything. You’re more oversensitive than you realize, but the slight pain feels good. Almost feels like you need more. You try to meet Soonyoung’s thrusts without throwing off the rhythm because you  just need to feel more. Either he realizes or he wants to be in control. He gently puts a hand around your throat, as he has so many times before, and pulls you back towards him. You moan at the pressure. Not enough so that it’s a struggle to breathe, but definitely enough to add to the sensations. 

 

“Can’t let me be in control even for a moment,” he says, low and gruff into your ear. 

 

“Mmmmm,” you moan in response. 

 

“That’s right,” he encourages. 

 

He keeps his hand on your throat with the other anchoring your hip in place. You give up control completely and it feels like that’s really what he needs. To know that you’re willing to let him do whatever he wants. Willing to let him set the pace. Willing to let him put you in whatever position helps get him off. You’re not sure how you feel about Soonyoung separate from sex, but you trust him completely when it comes to fucking you. Sometimes, you even delight in the shift in power dynamics like tonight. 

 

Just as you’re approaching too much pain from him fucking hard into your raw pussy, you feel his rhythm falter. Feel the way he tenses behind you. Know that he’s about to come. You start to whisper encouragement without thinking about it. Reach down to rub your own clit because you’re somehow on the verge of yet another orgasm and you want to come with him. Don’t want to be this close to the edge without finishing one more time. He fucks into you, a little erratic, for a few more pumps and then stills. Breathing heavy behind you. 

 

It’s a stark contrast, the way he removes his hand from your neck and gently helps you get both feet on the floor again. The way he carefully slides himself out of you. It’s hard to tell if that part is on auto-pilot or reserved for you. Especially when you don’t bother to think about the other people he brings into his bed. Though, you do know on some level that he treats you differently. He places a couple gentle kisses along your back before you feel him pull away. His retreating steps head off towards a bathroom.

 

All you want to do is flop on the bed, but you follow him into the bathroom. You can’t help but take in his body as he pulls the condom off and tosses it in the garbage. Appreciate the way his stomach muscles contract. Drink in the lean lines of his body. Run your eyes over the scars you’ve already clocked countless times before and note that he doesn’t seem to have any new ones. Not a surprise, but still good to see. He’s beautiful and it’s not fair.

 

“I figured you’d have my body memorized by now,” he teases lightly and you swat him.

 

“Such a shit,” you grumble. 

 

“I’m gonna hop in the shower. Do you want to rinse off too?” he asks and you give him a look that has him throwing up his hands with a laugh. “Just a shower.”

 

“Yeah, I probably should,” you agree.

 

True to his word, Soonyoung only wants to shower and helps you also clean yourself off. This part is a little different from the norm. Most times you just leave. Most times Soonyoung doesn’t offer. He’s not really sure why he does tonight. Reasons it away as also needing to get cleaned off from the sweat and other fluids. 

 

He leaves you in the shower after pointing out a spare bathrobe and heads out into the living area of his suite. By the time you emerge, he’s got another drink in hand and a room service menu open in his lap. Another reason he always stays here when he comes to town for a race: they have 24 hour room service. He’s considering what he might like to order when you plop down onto the couch beside him, toweling off your hair.

 

“Oh, is that a room service menu?” you ask with interest and he glances over to see you’re also in a bathrobe. Not dressed and ready to go. Interesting. 

 

“Yeah wanna order anything?” he asks, handing over the menu. You hesitate a second before taking it and he wonders, not for the first time, what’s going on in your head. 

 

“You don’t care if I hang out for a bit?” 

 

Ah. So that’s the hang up. It’s something of a departure from the normal routine. Yet, it doesn’t feel like it should be weird. Surely you can share some food if he can bury himself between your thighs. Outwardly, he only shrugs. “Don’t make it weird.”

 

That lightens the mood and you playfully swat at his arm. “You know what I mean.” 

 

“Honestly, sweetheart, you could sleep here and I wouldn’t care.” 

 

Your eyes widen and it’s worth it solely for how comical it is. And then they narrow, which may be even funnier. “Now you’re just messing with me.” 

 

“I don’t have an early practice time tomorrow and I certainly don’t have other plans tonight, so you can stay as long as you like,” he says. 

 

Nothing about it seems that weird to him. In some ways, he knows you better than anything. He knows all the intimate ways to take you apart. Knows when to push and when to pull back. Knows every little thing you like, even if it’s not something you tell other people. But, then he doesn’t know nearly as much about your personal life as someone so intimately familiar with your body should. It always feels easier that way. He’s not even sure what presses him to depart from the norm now. Just that something about you seems different. 

 

“Careful what you wish for,” you say, but at least you’re smiling and looking down at the menu now. 

 

“Just pick whatever you like. I’m not picky about food,” he says and you smirk, but don’t comment on it. 

 

A few minutes later, the room service order is set and you have a fresh drink in your hand, courtesy of Soonyoung. The two of you sit back on the couch as you aimlessly flick through channels, trying to find something to watch without having to go into a streaming service. End up landing on some romantic comedy with a sideways glance at Soonyoung.

 

“Taylor wouldn’t even let me stop on something like this,” you say with a frown. 

 

Soonyoung only shrugs, at first. “He’s kind of an asshole.” 

 

“Kind of?” 

 

“I know you know what I think about him,” he says with a chuckle.

 

“Because you’re fucking me?” 

 

That gets an eye roll out of Soonyoung. “No, because I’m pretty honest about what I think of him every time he comes up in an interview.” 

 

“Fair enough,” you concede. 

 

It seems like your phone is about to vibrate off the side table and it’s hard to ignore. You notice the way it pulls his glance and silence it. It’s not exactly at the top of Soonyoung’s list to ask you again if you want to talk. Yet, he knows he needs to. Realizes you might not have a lot of people that could even begin to understand. He takes another sip of his drink and then turns to you.

 

“Still going to say you don’t want to talk about it?” 

 

You chew on your lower lip, a nervous habit that’s pretty unfamiliar to Soonyoung. Fiddle with the string on the bathrobe. Finally seem to reach a decision with a sigh. Direct your answer to your knees instead of to him. “I said that’s not what we do, not that I didn’t want to talk about it.” 

 

“You set that rule,” he says, soft but firm. You look up at him. “We can talk about it. It’s not like I’m blind to there being issues.” 

 

“You may not have realized it, but I kind of need this,” you say with a shake of your head. “Don’t really want to complicate it with feelings.” 

 

Soonyoung chuckles softly and takes another sip. “More complicated than cheating on your boyfriend, who happens to be one of my rivals on the grid?”

 

“It’s not cheating,” you protest and Soonyoung snorts. “It’s not. Not every time, at least. Not this time.”

 

He considers you for a second like he’s wondering just how curious to be. The curiosity wins out, though. “Not this time?” 

 

“We’re on a break,” you say after a moment. 

 

“Were you on a break when he was photographed with that girl that was definitely not you?” 

 

“I didn’t look closely enough to figure out the timeline.” 

 

“Why do you put up with it?” 

 

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand, Mr. Perpetual Bachelor.” 

 

For a minute, he thinks that maybe he’s pushing you too far. Yet, when he looks over, you’re smiling down into your drink. Leave it to you to enjoy that bickering. 

 

“Oh, try me, Miss Perfect Relationship,” he says and you look up. “Even though it’s me you call every time you need someone to fuck you right.” 

 

You nearly spit out your drink. “Honestly, the whole thing started because my parents never wanted me to get involved with a driver. And he can be sweet. I think that’s what keeps me coming back. I’m not an easy person to love and…”

 

“Who gave you that idea?” Soonyoung interjects. 

 

“What?” 

 

“Who made you think you’re difficult to love?” 

 

“Oh, well I guess…” you start and frown. Can’t hold back a laugh. “You know, I’m not really sure.” 

 

“Look, don’t…make a big deal about me saying all of this. But, you’re stunning and kind, funny and smart as hell, strong and independent. You could do a lot better than Taylor Williams,” he says. Misses the soft smile on your face because he’s too afraid to look over at it. Too worried you’ll turn it into something it’s not.

 

“Thanks, Soon,” you say. “One day, you might actually settle down and I bet you’ll make a great partner to someone.” 

 

“Yeah, yeah,” he says. 

 

“Hey, isn’t the next Grand Prix, where is it? Montreal? Isn’t that one on your birthday?” you ask, clearly steering the conversation out of potentially weird territory.

 

“It is,” he agrees, latching on. “Actually, my sister and her husband are going to come out for the whole thing with a couple of my friends from home. We’re all going out to dinner after the race with some of the members of my team.” 

 

“That sounds fun,” you say. 

 

“Yeah, I haven’t seen my sister on my birthday in forever, it feels like,” he admits.

 

“I’d say I hope you win, but…”

 

“Okay, here we go.”

 

And the conversation goes into playfully bickering about nothing important from there on out. Nothing dangerous, nothing of true substance. It feels just as easy as falling into bed, largely because you both seem to appreciate it for what it is. Both seem to understand there isn’t something deeper there. Just two people who sleep together from time to time. The food arrives and unsurprisingly, Soonyoung realizes you have good taste in food. He hadn’t been paying attention when you ordered. 

 

The real best part about having you around a little longer is that he can convince you back into bed. Not that it takes much convincing. All you ask is that he lets you digest before falling into bed. Normally he doesn’t do repeats or sleepovers. You’re always the exception that proves the rule. The one constant he allows in his life despite all the possible issues. 

 

It’s different, waking up with you in his bed the next morning. Weirder still to leave you there while he has to head over to the track. He knows that you’ll be gone by the time he gets back. Knows it’s the right thing. It still feels a little weird. 

 

---

 

The Canadian Grand Prix goes well. Soonyoung gets the pole in qualifying and manages a win, despite losing some position early in the race. It feels good to get the win on his birthday with his sister and his friends in town. It’s hard for his sister, especially, to come see him race in person these days, so getting a win feels all that much sweeter. It’s not his favorite track and sometimes he doesn’t feel like he races his best there, but none of that matters when he wins. The only downside is that Taylor Williams did not even finish the race. No rivalry. He’s not sure when a win became less meaningful without beating his rival. 

 

Briefly, he considers that maybe there’s still trouble in paradise with you, though he hasn’t seen any new headlines one way or another. Nothing on socials either, which is unusual. You’re posting, sure. Nothing seems to mention Taylor, though, and that part does feel unusual. Normally it’s clear, at least to him, if you’re in a good place or not. He’s not even sure if you came to the race. 

 

There are better things to worry about, though. Like getting ready to head out for his birthday. Montreal isn’t exactly his favorite city. There are plenty of places to go out, but too many of the locals look down their noses at the thought of speaking English. And he doesn’t speak French, can’t be bothered to learn for one race a year even if it falls around his birthday more often than not. Thankfully, there are enough places that they know from over the years. He knows that his manager made all the reservations so he wouldn’t have to take care of anything.

 

Dinner is just for Soonyoung, his sister, her husband, his friends from home, Jihoon, and a couple people from the pit crew and team of mechanics. Despite it being Soonyoung’s birthday, he insisted on picking up the tab. It’s enough for him that his friends got him presents. They should not have to pay on top of it. Soonyoung is careful with his money, invests it well. Yet, he’s also generous with it when it comes to the people he cares about. His financial manager does an excellent job. 

 

They meet a slightly expanded group of people, both from the team and some hangers on, when they make their second stop at a club. His manager, who definitely has her moments, also took care of reserving the private room far enough in advance so they can enjoy space from the rest of the club. On the way in, he notices you by one of the bars with some friends. Surprisingly, there’s no Taylor in sight. It piques Soonyoung’s curiosity a little too much. Then, he clocks you looking over at him while a friend of yours says something to you. That makes him more curious. Without considering if it’s a good idea, he asks Jihoon, who is considerably less recognizable, to go invite you and the group back into their room. If Jihoon thinks it’s a bad idea (he does), he doesn’t mention it. Just sighs and agrees. 

 

It’s relatively low stakes, too. You’re with a whole group of your friends and it’s a private room. Your friends seem to seamlessly integrate with him. One of them even seems to be a little drawn towards Jihoon, which makes him considerably less grumpy. A win if Soonyoung ever met one. Jihoon always claims that it’s too hard to date while on the circuit. And Soonyoung does acknowledge that his job is difficult. It’s so much more than just prepping the car on qualifying and race days. But, who better than one of your friends to pursue? 

 

A true surprise, though, is how easily you seem to get along with Soonyoung’s sister. The two of you acting like old friends within moments. Of course, his sister knows you. She doesn’t know the extent, because who would want to share that kind of thing with their sister? But, she knows on some level who you are to her brother. It’s a little weird to watch. Mostly because he thinks he should feel uncomfortable at the interaction and he doesn’t. 

 

“I like that one, Soon,” his sister says, catching him as he’s grabbing a drink. 

 

“I can see that,” he jokes back. 

 

“I know you say it’s complicated and I get why, but…”

 

“Don’t start.”

 

“You’re not getting any younger,” she presses, yet her eyes are alight with mischief. It’s an old argument. One she brings up at least once a month now. 

 

“You’re very funny,” he says and turns away without letting her hit her stride. 

 

Something his sister says must stick, though, because he’s breaking a lot of his rules tonight. In a quiet moment, he asks if he can see you back in his room. Hands you a spare room key when you agree and tries not to second guess his choices. It’s easy to act like everyone is going their separate ways when the night comes to an end. You head off with your friends without a backward glance and he wonders, just for a second, if he’ll really see you in a bit. 

 

Five minutes after he gets back to his room, he wonders why he worried in the first place. You’re slipping into his room and dropping a bag on the floor. Stepping out of your shoes to leave them by the door. Then, you jog across the room to throw your arms around him. Kiss him in a way that feels far more familiar. Like it’s something you even wanted to do while out in public. There’s a part of him that wants to pull back because it’s a little overwhelming. The louder part of him encourages sinking into it, though. At the end of the day, he does love the attention. It certainly feels like all of yours is on him now.

 

“Hang on, before we get carried away,” you say and pull away from him, heading back to your bag. 

 

“I like getting carried away, though,” he pouts. 

 

You pull something out of your bag, a box, it looks like, and hold it behind your back as you walk back over to him. He can’t help the way he tries to peek around your back to get a look at what it is. There’s not much point, though, once you hand it over to him. It’s a beautifully wrapped present.

 

“Happy birthday,” you say in a sing-song voice. 

 

“You didn’t have to get me something,” he says. “How did you even know you would see me?” 

 

“I didn’t,” you say with a shrug. “I know that I didn’t have to, but I wanted to. It just seemed like the kind of thing you might like.” 

 

His curiosity gets the better of him. It doesn’t seem possible that you would know him well enough to have a present for him. Or that you would just carry that present around with you. What would you say to your boyfriend? If he even is your boyfriend, right now. You and him have been so silent since the last race weekend. 

 

Inside, he finds a beautifully crafted, custom bottle of cologne. It’s a bold choice to pick out a fragrance for someone. A card in there says that it’s a specially crafted scent, not available for sale yet. He pulls off the cap to smell it right away and realizes it’s perfect. 

 

“Thank you,” he says, finally looking up to realize you’re watching him. Your face breaks into a smile. “I actually love it.”

 

“Yeah?” you ask.

 

“Yeah,” he says with a chuckle. “I was a little nervous seeing cologne but…”

 

“No, I know. It’s so hard to pick a fragrance, but one of the designers that I know asked my opinion on it and it immediately reminded me of you,” you say. 

 

“Now I feel bad that I’ve never gotten you a birthday present,” he says because he’s not sure what else to say. You just wave it off. 

 

“I like picking out presents far more than getting them,” you say. “I just kind of like experiences when it comes to getting presents.”

 

“I get that. It’s hard to shop for someone who can just get anything they want,” he admits and you’re immediately nodding.

 

“Yeah! And I don’t want stuff for the sake of stuff,” you said. 

 

Soonyoung moves to put the box and the cologne on the table, then reaches out for you. Sometimes, you like to tease him and dance out of his reach. That’s not the case tonight. You’re more than happy to settle against him. Happy to just wrap your arms around him. It feels strangely intimate. Almost like a continuation of seeing you in Barcelona two weeks prior. Everything about him would normally push that away. No relationships. No repeats. Nothing that could create drama. And definitely none of those things with someone already in a complicated relationship. 

 

Tonight, he just wants to let it happen. See how it feels. See what all the fuss about letting someone into his world is about. 

 

Slowly, he puts a hand under your chin and tilts your head up so that he can kiss you. He moves his hand to cradle your face. So that he can really direct the kiss. Can keep it slow and steady. For a single moment, you put up a fight for control. Soonyoung only holds you tighter and he feels the moment your body releases the tension against him. The moment you become putty in his hands feels great. He loves the back and forth with you, truly. He just wants something a little different today. 

 

“Can I admit something that I shouldn’t?” you ask when Soonyoung breaks the kiss for a moment. You direct the question to his shirt, like you’re hiding your face. 

 

It’s a little too serious and he can’t entirely fight the urge to lighten the mood, even while leaning into this different dynamic. “I’ve been between your thighs more times than either of us could count. You can admit anything.” 

 

That gets you laughing a little, at least. You’re still not looking up at him, but at least there’s the little giggle. “I wanted to kiss you while we were out. Like in front of my friends and your friends and your sister and everyone.” 

 

“I thought about it too,” he says and you finally look up. 

 

“That’s weird for us, isn’t it?” you ask and he just smiles.

 

“Maybe,” he admits. “But, I don’t really want to stress about setting rules tonight.”

 

“That’s fair,” you agree.

 

“All that stuff, that can be a tomorrow issue,” he insists and you smile, though it looks forced for a second. 

 

“Yeah, you’re right,” you say. 

 

It may not be entirely fair, the way he wants you to be on the same page as him without really saying what he wants. It seems like you’re willing to at least go along for now, though. Soonyoung kisses you again and hopes that you can read the cues. Read the things he doesn’t know how to say through a kiss. It should occur to him that he’s never really enjoyed kissing this much, either. Yet it doesn’t. His mind is on a million other things and he doesn’t exactly read the signs, either. 

 

He pulls away again and you give him a quizzical look. “Do you trust me?” 

 

“Uh,” you start. It’s a confusing question to ask, you think. Especially when he wants to leave any deeper conversations until tomorrow.

 

“I meant like in the bedroom,” he carries on and you nearly roll your eyes. 

 

“Yes, Soonyoung. I think we figured that out the moment we set a safe word,” you say. It’s not exactly what you want to say. Not all of what you want to say. It’s still honest, though.

 

“Come on,” he says. 

 

No explanations, just a look like he might devour you if you let him. You’re intrigued, though, despite any lingering reservations you have about whatever is happening. He takes your hand and you let him lead you back into the bedroom. Another bedroom in another hotel. It seems like it’s the only place you ever see him because whatever there is between you only exists in the foreign cities of the races around the world. Maybe, you think, it’s still okay for now. 

 

Soonyoung kisses you again and hesitates as he moves to start sliding your clothes off. Like he’s asking permission. It’s so gentle that it makes you want to scream a little internally. Externally, you only nod in permission. Let him slide the fabric from your body. You don’t want to be entirely passive either, moving to pull his shirt off. Undoing his pants as he gets you down to only your panties. 

 

“Will you get on the bed for me?” he asks.

 

Gentle. He’s being so impossibly gentle with you and it’s making your head spin. It’s not the first time. You and Soonyoung have had all sorts of sex in the past. Now, though, seeing him two race weekends in a row, is something else. Seeing him on his birthday and seeing him out instead of behind closed doors. There’s something about the gentle way he approaches you that has your heart beating the most uneven pattern.

 

Soonyoung watches as you consider his request for a moment. Wonders what you’re thinking and if you’re going to agree. Wonders if there’s something that you want to say. Then, you smile at him and shut whatever you were thinking behind a mask again. It’s clear, yet he’s not sure that he wants to consider what it might mean. He’s only happy to see you walk over to the bed. The sight of you backing up and laying back effectively shuts out any other thoughts. You’re stunning. Every version of you. You’re the only person who’s ever had him at a loss for words. 

 

“What?” you ask, looking self-conscious for just a moment. He hates thinking he might have made you look that way. Hates that you ever second guess anything about yourself.

 

“You’re just perfect,” he says after a moment. You roll your lips together. Try to hide that you’re pleased to hear it. “No, you are. I’ve never known anyone that could take my breath away so easily.” 

 

“So smooth,” you say like you’re put out.

 

“I still mean it. Just like I told you two weeks ago,” he says and you nearly blush. 

 

“Okay, you have me in bed. What are you doing with me now?” you ask. 

 

It shouldn’t turn him on the way it does. But, hearing you ask what he’s going to do with you like he has full control really does it. And he knows you’re playing it up, too. Looking up at him from the bed with those big eyes. Like you’re more innocent than he knows you are. Like you’re waiting for him to take charge. It works all the same. 

 

“I want to blindfold you,” he starts and you have to fight a shiver at the way it excites you. 

 

“Okay,” you agree because it seems like he’s going to say something else. 

 

“And I want to tie your wrists to the bedposts,” he says and you take a deep breath. Leave it to him to combine the two. “Is that okay?”

 

“I think it’s probably more than okay,” you say softly, but you know he hears you. 

 

For once, he’s thankful that so many designers send him things because it means that he has some scarves in a bag that never made their way out. He also has sleep masks that he uses when he flies. Not the sexiest blindfold to use, yet it’ll work. You look comfortable lying on the bed when Soonyoung returns with his props. There’s a smile in your eyes as you watch him secure your wrists to the bed. 

 

“What?” he asks, unable to help himself. 

 

“Are you really tying my wrists with Hermes scarves?” you ask and he looks down at them.

 

“I don’t know. Someone just sent them to me and they’ve been in the bottom of one of my suitcases since,” he says. 

 

“Sorry, carry on,” you say, still smiling to yourself. 

 

“I’m putting the blindfold on now. Let me know if anything is too much,” he says and you nod. 

 

“I will,” you assure him as everything goes dark.

 

Everything feels heightened. It’s not the first time you’ve used a blindfold, but it’s the first time with him and it feels…different. Feels more. You can’t even see the way that Soonyoung pauses to drink in the sight of you. Can’t see the way his eyes blaze in his desire for you. Then, you feel something soft running along one of your arms and you suck in a breath.

 

Soonyoung trails a scarf that he didn’t use along your body and appreciates every tiny reaction. Without your eyes on him, he feels like it’s easier to appreciate you. Easier to just watch you without wondering if you’re watching him back. He doesn’t feel self-conscious about anything, usually. And he’s not sure he does about this, either. He just knows that he likes being able to see you in this way. 

 

Having your legs free also makes you feel like you haven’t given up complete control. You’re not sure why it matters, really. Whether or not you trust Soonyoung outside of the bedroom is debatable. Probably not advisable, even. But, in the bedroom, you do trust him. For whatever that’s worth. Trust that he’ll stop if you ask. Trust that he’s not going to push you into something you really don’t want. It’s a weird dynamic, to be so completely sure you trust someone only in this most intimate way. 

 

After a moment, Soonyoung’s lips replace the soft material of the scarf. Your eyes close without considering that you can’t see from the sensation. From wanting to focus on that feeling and nothing else. He takes your ankle in his hand, so much gentler than you would expect. It feels like he’s worshipping your skin and he peppers kisses up the side of your calf. The soft sounds of his lips on your skin feel amplified in the quiet of the room. As he slides his hand further up your calf, you shiver. Sink further into the mattress and just enjoy the attention.

 

Briefly, Soonyoung wonders if he’ll have to tell you to relax. To just enjoy it. Until he watches the tension slip from your body with each additional kiss. It strokes his ego in a way that he won’t admit, knowing you’re this comfortable. Even though he’s not the one blindfolded, he still feels like his senses are heightened, too. You gasp, barely audible, when his breath ghosts across your core through the thin fabric of your panties. It feels unmissable like this. 

 

It’s impossible for you to think of anything other than Soonyoung when he’s like this. So singularly focused on you and your pleasure that you’re sure nobody else exists in the world. So unselfish that you think he would be fine just taking care of you without any concern for his own pleasure. Maybe he gets his pleasure from seeing you. From knowing how he makes you squirm. Or maybe he knows the things you won’t say. Knows, somehow, that nobody else gives you an orgasm like him. Nobody else gets your toes curling and your legs shaking. It’s something else you can’t say. Something you struggle to even admit to yourself. Sometimes, though, it seems like he knows anyway. Or he’s just confident. 

 

He’s everywhere over your body. Kissing every inch of you, even the parts that might make you self conscious. Everywhere except for the place that you want him the most. Kisses all the way up your inner thigh and blows across your center without putting his mouth there. Without even removing your panties. Works his way up your stomach and trails his fingers along your legs. Hovers over you and kisses up the hollow between your breasts. Even pulls your nipple between his teeth. Teases your nipples to the point where you wonder if he can coax an orgasm out of you without even his fingers between your legs. 

 

It isn’t until he kisses along your jaw and whispers in your ear that you realize this might be a test of patience. One you, realistically, have already lost by the sheer fact of his existence. Of the way he knows your body like his favorite tracks. Knows when to speed up and when to pull back. The whispers in your ear are filthy. Make you blush. Make you a little desperate for him. He’s patient. It’s what makes him such a good driver. Makes him just as good like this, too.

 

“Please, Soon,” you finally whimper out. 

 

“Please, what?” he teases back. You don’t need to see his face to hear the smirk there. To know that you’re right to assume this is a game and you’re losing.

 

“I can’t take the teasing anymore. I want to feel you,” you ask, breathless. 

 

There’s a moment of quiet where you can feel him adjusting, like he might be settling next to you. He runs a finger up your thigh and it makes you shiver again. Then his lips are at your ear. “How do you want to feel me?” 

 

“I…” you start, only to break off when his finger brushes once up through your core, through the fabric

 

“Do you want to feel my fingers?” he asks, voice low and velvety. You feel him move again by the way the bed shifts. And by the way he moves your legs apart. His breath ghosts across your core again and you actually moan. Embarrassing. Your panties are ruined at this point, you’re sure. His voice is just as low, still. “Or do you want to feel my mouth?”

 

“Anything, please,” you beg. Again, embarrassing. 

 

“So needy,” he says and his breath hits you where he won’t. Not yet, at least. 

 

“I feel like I’m about to come without you even doing anything,” you admit. Appreciate the way his breath blows out in a slight chuckle. 

 

“I can tell.”

 

And it should be embarrassing. You know that. Except, it’s just…not. Not with him. Not when you know that he wants you as much as you want him. Not when you’re safe inside these four walls. Not when you wonder if you might be just as safe with him outside of him. 

 

Thankfully, he cuts that thought off when he slowly hooks his finger into your panties. Pulls them carefully down your legs and discards them to the side. Then he returns and you feel his breath finally hitting you without anything in the way. Can feel how wet you are. After a long moment, he licks into your cunt. A purposeful stroke of his tongue and very nearly sends you over the edge. Then another. And another. You don’t need to see him because the picture in your head does all the work for you. Soonyoung intent on making sure he takes care of you. Eating you like you’re the only meal he wants. For once, you don’t want to rush him either. You don’t want to rush the experience of feeling him like this when one sense cut off. Honestly, you think you might ask him to do it more if it feels this good. 

 

The pace is slow. But, it makes the build up crazy. He moves his mouth to circle your clit when he slips a finger inside you. Adds a second immediately and you really are done for in moments. The orgasm is so strong that it has you pulling against your arm restraints. Curling your toes. Screaming out words you’re not even sure make any sense. As always, he works you through it. Doesn’t overdo it, though. 

 

The world comes back into focus a moment later when he reaches up with one hand to pull the eyemask off your face. You blink against the low light as his face comes into focus. Of course he’s watching you. Watching the way you adjust. Or watching to wait for the moment when he knows you’ll see him put his fingers into his mouth and lick the taste of you off them.

 

“Jesus fuck,” you groan. The way he looks at you is sinful. Should be illegal.

 

When he pulls himself up again to hover over your body again, you lean up to meet his lips as much as you can with your arms still restrained. Relish the feverish way he kisses you. Appreciate the way it feels like he’s claiming you. He hovers just over your body, not quite touching you, and it drives you even crazier. Makes you forget he’s already brought you to the edge once. You feel a little desperate for more of him. He pulls away far before you’re ready.

 

“Easy, sweetheart,” he says with a chuckle. Except, now you can finally see that he’s just as affected as you. Can see the way his pupils are blown and the way he tents his briefs. Can see the way he swallows hard as he pulls himself away, like it’s physically hard to be separated, even for a moment. 

 

“You say that like I can do anything about it,” you joke. A little bolder now that you can see.

 

He stops for a moment and looks back at you. Like he’s considering something. It’s too cute when he furrows his brow that way. “Do you want me to untie you?”

 

“No,” you say. No trace of hesitation. His brow unfurrows and that stupid smiles comes back in its place. 

 

“I knew you wanted to be a pillow princess,” he teases as he turns back around.

 

“Not always, but I don’t mind it tonight.”

 

He rifles through a bag and turns back around with a condom. Pushes his briefs down and then rips the wrapper open with his teeth. Runs his hand along his cock twice before rolling the condom down over it. And then he’s moving to the bed again.

 

“Still comfortable?” he asks as he positions between your legs.

 

“Yes,” you say.

 

There’s a smart retort that dies on his lips when he meets your eyes. There’s so much trust there. So much care. So much he can’t remember seeing before that makes it feel a lot different. It’s enough to make him rethink his tactics. 

 

“Good. I want you to be comfortable.”

 

“I always am with you, Soonie.”

 

There’s something about it all that makes them both feel like that can be a little more vulnerable. Probably the nature of the restraints. Yet, what started off feeling sexier now feels a little more intimate. A little more tender. A little more…well, everything, really. 

 

Soonyoung guides himself into you, slowly coaxing his length in. And then his thrusts are slow again. Just like his mouth was on you. He lowers his body so that he’s pressed against you, though you don’t feel his weight. He keeps that offset so you’re not uncomfortable. You want to run your hands up his arms to give yourself something to do. Want to be able to distract yourself from the intensity. There’s no way to do that though. And when you do look up into his eyes, you find him already looking at you. Watching your reactions. 

 

You tilt your head up and he takes the hint. Kissing him feels easier than finding the right words. Or just looking at each other. It’s impossible to tell when you end and he begins like this. You hook your legs around him just to connect you even more. Time loses all meaning and you’re not in a rush to hurry this along. Not even aware of any sensitivity from the first orgasm. Or from the way the silk holds your wrists. 

 

Even with as slow as he’s going, you both feel like you get to the edge faster than you might want to. It could have been hours or minutes, though. Neither of you know. His thrusts start to stutter just as he coaxes the second orgasm from you and both of you come together. It’s one of the most overwhelming feelings you can remember. With him or with anyone else. 

 

He lets a little more of his weight rest on your body, slightly offset to the side. Before he even pulls out of you, he reaches one hand up to quickly undo the knots. Once you have the use of your arms back, you immediately put them around him to hold him against you. If it surprises him, he doesn’t show it. Just stays like that with you in silence for several long moments. Then he kisses your temple. Your nose. Your lips. Featherlight kisses before he eases himself out. 

 

The loss of Soonyoung feels more noticeable, even while watching him walk over to the bathroom. You absently rub your wrists and stretch out your body. He returns with a wet cloth and stops, watching you.

 

“Are you still okay?” he asks tentatively, face relaxing when you smile. 

 

“I don’t know if I’ve ever been better,” you admit.

 

He smiles wide. “Come on. I’ll clean you up and we can go to bed.”

 

You don’t even question that he means for you to come to bed with him. Or what any of this means. You just let the night be what it is and let figure it out be a tomorrow issue, like Soonyoung says.

 

---

 

Things normally feel different in the light of day. And they do, but they also don’t. Soonyoung wakes up wrapped up in you and it doesn’t feel weird. Doesn’t even feel unusual when he woke up to you after his last race as well. It feels like something he could see doing more. Maybe in a slightly different world where he could navigate this relationship without it being a whole shitstorm. Or maybe in this world with you understanding that things may have to move forward slowly. Being part of this grid, of this world, can be a little like a soap opera. He doesn’t want to make that worse. 

 

When you start to stir, he braces himself. Yet the conversation doesn’t come immediately. The two of you get out of bed and go about ordering breakfast. Make small talk. Wonder about races coming up next on the circuit. It’s easy to talk to you about racing because you know it nearly as well as the drivers. You take the time to understand all the ins and outs. 

 

Eventually, though, the conversation turns to something a little more serious. More substantial. As Soonyoung knows that it needs to. 

 

“So last night was different,” you say tentatively in a lull in the conversation. 

 

“It was,” he agrees.

 

“I don’t really know what to do with that. I don’t know what to do with wanting to kiss you out in public. I don’t know what to do with the fact that you’re the one I call every time my life is in flames,” you say. It’s far more honest than he’s expecting. 

 

“I don’t really know, either,” he admits after a moment. “And I don’t know why I always answer.”

 

“You must like having me around,” you joke and he smiles. 

 

“Sometimes,” he jokes back. 

 

“D’you want it to be actually different?” 

 

He considers for a moment. Studies your face to see if he can find the right answer there. This is uncharted territory. He settles on something true, though it isn’t entirely an answer. “I don’t think we can ignore that it is different now.” 

 

“That’s not what I asked.” 

 

“What do you want?” 

 

You sigh. “Not to blow up my life for someone that can’t commit to an answer.”

 

“I think it’s clear that I make space for you in my life regardless of anything else,” he says. “I know that you know I’ve blown other things or people off to answer you.”

 

“I do know that, but that’s also not really an answer?” 

 

“You’re not giving me a full answer, either.”

 

“You’re right,” you admit. “I don’t know. There’s a reason that I always come back to you whenever anything else goes wrong. You feel…I don’t know. I shouldn’t say.”

 

“What?”

 

There’s a slight blush on your cheeks when you look down. Soonyoung closes the space between you so that he can support you. Your eyes meet his and he realizes you’re actually going to answer. “You feel safe. Which is crazy because we’re not together.”

 

“Maybe we could figure that out,” he says softly. There’s so much hope in your eyes.

 

“What about the headlines? And your team?” you ask.

 

“We could figure all of that out. Obviously I don’t want things to be drama filled, so it may take some time. We may not be able to just throw this into everyone’s faces right away. But, I think we could figure something out at least. Something where we see more of each other.”

 

“Right, yeah,” you say and all Soonyoung feels is relief. It’s a relief that you seem to understand. 

 

“I only ever hear from you when something is wrong or when there’s a headline,” he says. It isn’t accusatory, yet you still don’t love hearing it.

 

“Yeah, it’s kind of a habit,” you admit and can’t help the next thing that comes out. “You never message me first, either.”

 

“Because you’re in a relationship and I don’t want to cause problems with him.”

 

“Except on the grid,” you point out and he laughs. 

 

“That’s different,” he counters. And it is, isn’t it?

 

“You say you don’t want drama or complicated,” you start and he nods. Still seeming happy because he thinks you’re on the same page. “Isn’t that kind of counter to anything we have here?”

 

He thinks for a moment. Looks like he’s trying to do some sort of complex math problem. Then meets your eyes again. “No, I don’t think so. It’s not like we’re going to walk out and be like hey, we’re together. We can just start by actually talking and getting to know each other.”

 

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense,” you say. He misses that it’s a bit noncommittal. 

 

The rest of the conversation kind of goes the same way. Soonyoung feels like he makes it clear that he does have interest. It does feel different. It’s equally important for him that he doesn’t mess anything up for his team. Or with his sponsorships. It can’t look like you’re cheating on Taylor with him. Or that you ever have. He’s not sure he’s going to be immediately ready to tell even the members of his team that you’re around in a different capacity now. But, he thinks that he does a good job of getting the point across. Figures that you have to understand because you’ve been around this world long enough to know that it isn’t just about the two of you. It can’t just continue to be thinking only of each other if it’s something more than the hidden moments.

 

After all, it’s still in the thick of the season. There’s a break coming up where he may be able to figure more of it out, but that’s over a month away. Even mentions that maybe the two of you can make some sort of plans for that break to tuck away out of the public eye. Take more time to answer all the questions before adding more people into the mix. It’s so important for him to stay dialed in. You seem like you’re nodding along, agreeing with what he’s saying. Agreeing with next steps. It feels like you’re on the same page. 

 

When he kisses you goodbye and gets ready to lock back into his schedule, he feels like there’s something different to build on. It’s odd, the way he’s looking forward to seeing more of you. Part of why he hesitates on relationships is because he needs to be a bit selfish for his career. Needs to put that first sometimes. Needs to find someone who can appreciate that. Maybe that person is you.

 

---

 

Soonyoung expects to hear from you after you spend his birthday with him. He knows, at least on some level, that things felt a little weird when you left his hotel room. But, still, things feel different between you and him and he expects to hear from you. The few times he does hear from you might feel stilted if he stopped to think about it. With training and preparing for the next race, he doesn’t think about it, though. Doesn’t really have a frame of reference to what healthy communication looks like in a relationship anyway. 

 

It doesn’t occur to him that something is really wrong until he gets onto his socials and sees one of your posts. It’s another too-sappy post about Taylor and it feels more than a little confusing. After all the conversations, how could you just go running back to something so clearly toxic? Had it been something in the way you said goodbye after the last time seeing each other? He’s not really sure and he’s not even really sure there’s anyone that he can talk to about it.

 

With either the best or the worst timing possible, Jihoon comes into the hotel room carrying take-out. Bless him for realizing some take out breakfast is a better way to start the day than whatever non-existent health option the team might have. He sets it down and starts pulling boxes out without saying anything. It almost feels more ominous that way.

 

“You’re quiet,” Soonyoung comments. 

 

“So are you,” Jihoon retorts. “Which is normal for me. Not so much for you.” 

 

“Yeah, well,” Soonyoung says with a shrug.

 

“Wanna talk about it?” 

 

This is Jihoon all over. He shows up with food. Gives them something to do. And then sits back so they don’t have to look at each other while they have potentially difficult conversations. 

 

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

 

“I saw her socials too, Soon.” 

 

“Which is why there’s nothing to talk about.” 

 

“We both know that’s not true. I can tell you’re feeling something that you’re not saying.” 

 

“Are you asking as my chief engineer or my friend?” 

 

There’s no hesitation before he answers. “Your friend.” 

 

“I don’t know. It seems kinda bullshit that she’s just back with him like the past two times I saw her didn’t mean anything.” 

 

“Did you ever say that to her?” 

 

“Say what?”

 

“Did you say you wanted her to leave him?”

 

“Not in so many words.”

 

“She’s not a mind reader.” 

 

There’s a long pause as Soonyoung takes a bite to figure out what he wants to say next. He knows that his friend is right. What he doesn’t know is if he wants to admit it. Finally comes to a conclusion. “I know.” 

 

Then, there’s a departure because Jihoon actually shifts to turn towards Soonyoung and look at him. Even out of the corner of his eye, Soonyoung can tell Jihoon seems concerned. “What did you two actually talk about?”

 

A shrug. “I’m not really sure. We agreed that it felt different and that we couldn’t keep ignoring the pull we felt towards each other.”

 

“And?” 

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Did you say something she might have taken the wrong way?” 

 

Soonyoung stops to cast his mind back on the conversation. It feels a little hazy because it’s not the part he focuses on. He remembers the feeling of you tied up beneath him. Doesn’t remember the conversation verbatim. “I’m not sure. We’ve always been on the same page about being in each other’s lives. It doesn’t have to be overly complicated.”

 

Jihoon snorts and looks away from Soonyoung again to focus on his food like there’s something amusing about that. It confuses him. What about that would be confusing? Thankfully, Jihoon doesn’t keep him guessing much longer. “You’re an idiot.” 

 

“What?” 

 

“Bro, it’s so obvious that she likes things a little complicated,” Jihoon says around a bite of food. “She’s not happy unless there’s a little drama.” 

 

“You think she’s mad that I wanted to just kind of keep things the way they were?” Soonyoung wonders. Jihoon shrugs.

 

“I don’t pretend to understand women,” he says. “But, I do think if that’s how you left it, it kinda makes sense she would go back. It’s not like you told her not to, right?”

 

“It should have been clear,” Soonyoung says.

 

“You’re both idiots,” Jihoon says. 

 

“You know what the worst part is?” 

 

“What’s that?” 

 

“I can’t even tell if she was with him again on my birthday or not.”

 

“Since when do you care?” Jihoon asks, eyebrows nearly disappearing into his hairline.

 

Soonyoung frowns. “I’m not saying I do.”

 

“Sure, Soon.” 

 

“Just eat your food and thank me for paying.”

 

“Seems only fair given all the shit you put me through and how much you make when you win thanks to me,” Jihoon fires back and Soonyoung sighs. 

 

The rest of the day goes by in a blur of the typical schedule. Team meetings and media availability. Even the questions from the reporters feel typical. Soonyoung is, once again, at the top of the standings. All of his questions revolve around preparations for the next race. Or how he plans to fend off the rest of the racers. Or if he’s expecting Taylor Williams to make a run of it when he’s several positions behind. Soonyoung knows all the answers by heart. Whatever he’s like off camera, he knows how to play it on camera. Always has the reporters, and usually his teammate, laughing. It’s easier given that the media availability is just for McLaren without other drivers or teams. Then it’s off to his training session in the gym. Following that is his training session on the simulator, which he doesn’t really need, but at least it feels like an easy way to remind him of any track challenges. Somehow there are more team meetings after that. 

 

By the time he gets back to his hotel room that evening, his brain is tired and he’s trying to remember if he even ate anything at any of the meetings. He orders something light from the room service menu and tells them that they can just leave it in his room if he doesn’t answer the door. He feels like he needs a shower to wash off the day.

 

His food waits for him in the sitting room when he gets out of the shower. There’s a note saying that if it isn’t warm enough when he gets it that they will send up a replacement. It doesn’t bother him, though, and he doesn’t ever want to waste food anyway. As he sits down, he wishes that he could video chat his sister. Or one of his friends from home. He knows he has several messages from them from throughout the day that went unanswered. It’s only like 4 am in Seoul, though, so he can answer messages. Actually talking isn’t an option. And he’s not going to bother Jihoon again because he’s already given his opinion, both over breakfast and in the quiet moments during the day. Not for the first time, he thinks that timezones kind of suck. 

 

Soonyoung can’t help it. You’re on his mind and it’s really annoying. A small voice says that Jihoon is probably right. He didn’t set any sort of expectations and didn’t give you the reassurance that you  might need to cut things off with Taylor. But, then, does he even know if he wants you in that way? All of you without all of the hiding behind closed doors? Or is it exactly that which keeps him on the hook? Is it that you’re around yet don’t expect anything that works for him? Does he want to deal with any drama that might cause since you’re such a public person? 

 

All questions that he’s not sure he can answer.

 

The louder part of his brain is just kind of mad at you. He let you see more of him than he typically would anyone else in his bed. Let you meet his sister and his friends while celebrating his birthday. Maybe most people don’t know the situation. Maybe most won’t see you going back to Taylor as anything other than the typical cycle. But, he knows. Knows that it’s a dig directly at him. Feels it acutely as a shot to his ego. For the first time, he wonders if this is what it feels like when Taylor Williams constantly comes in behind him. Soonyoung doesn’t like losing in any aspect of his life. If he’s staying unattached to anyone, then it should be his choice. Not yours. 

 

It’s that feeling that drives him to message you. Full well knowing that it might cause issues. He doesn’t care.

 

The banner under your name shows you as online nearly immediately. Then he sees the double checkmark turn blue to say you read it. There’s no follow-up message to say you’re typing. He sets his phone down in irritation. Of course you’re going to read it right away without answering. A beat. His phone is in his hand again and he’s halfway through typing a response when the screen displays a video call request from you.

 

It’s embarrassing that he answers right away. Your face takes up the screen and it seems like it’s dark wherever you are. A hotel room, by the looks of it. It seems like you have earbuds in as well. 

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” you hiss through the screen.

 

“What’s wrong with you ?” he retorts. Smooth, he thinks.

 

“I’m not the one sending messages randomly,” you say and look off screen. “You should know where I am.”

 

“Yes, I saw your sappy post talking about your perfect relationship. Even though we both know that’s bullshit.” 

 

“Real rich, coming from you.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

 

You give him a look that seems out of place. It’s not something he expects to see. “You cannot possibly be serious.” 

 

“I thought we had a good time the last time I saw you, so…”

 

That look again. Now mixed in with a touch of exasperation. “I can’t tell if you’re serious.”

 

“Of course I am. We said it felt different.” 

 

“Yeah, it did,” you say and look away again. Seem to be checking something. “You also made it clear that you didn’t really want anything to change.” 

 

“Why change what works for us?” 

 

“You mean only existing behind closed doors?” 

 

Soonyoung frowns. Scrunches up his face like he’s contemplating the problems of the world. In any other situation, you might find it cute. Not so much now. He opens and closes his mouth a couple of times before he finds the words. “That’s not really…I just meant that things aren’t complicated.”

 

You stifle a laugh without any humor behind it. “Things are pretty fucking complicated, actually.”

 

“Sure, when you go back to that idiot.” 

 

“That idiot doesn’t force me to exist in private. I like to love out loud. I like to post the person I’m with. I like to go out on dates and let people see me with the person I’m with. I don’t want to exist only behind closed doors.” 

 

“Okay, and?” 

 

“How are you confused?” 

 

“Because you’re jumping to all these conclusions.”

 

“I don’t see how I could have taken it any other way. You talked about not wanting drama or complications or any of that. You talked about how racing is everything to you and you always want to take care of your team. I’m not sure where you think I fit in.”

 

“So you just decided for me?” 

 

“Honestly, you’re 29 and you should probably be able to figure out relationships a little better than this.” 

 

“Oh, now you’re giving me relationship advice?” 

 

“No,” you say, deflating a little. “Let me ask you something, though?”

 

“Fine.”

 

“Can you not see how what you said would make me question things? How it would seem like you just wanted to keep existing only in private? How it might make me think you wanted to also be able to keep seeing whoever because you came across as single to the whole world?” 

 

It’s the first thing that brings him up short. Mostly because he realizes how far apart you and him actually are. There’s no world where that thought process makes any sense. Saying that he doesn’t want drama or issues for his team doesn’t translate to wanting to still fuck a bunch of other people if he’s in a relationship. It seems insane that, after all this time, you could still think something like that. 

 

And Jihoon’s words come back to him. Or maybe it’s just Soonyoung’s interpretation of them. You want that toxic kind of love. The kind of love that doesn’t feel real unless you’re fighting about shit. He doesn’t even stop to think that maybe it’s because you’ve never known a healthy relationship either. Doesn’t consider that your own parents made plenty of tabloid headlines when they were younger. Doesn’t think about the people that you tend to keep around you and the examples those people set. Your entire life from childhood has played out in the public eye, on some level. Why should it be any different now?

 

“No, I can’t,” he finally says and you just nod like it’s a foregone conclusion. 

 

“You don’t get to keep having a say in my relationship when you’re not even listening to me.”

 

“I am listening,” he says with an eyeroll. “It just seems pointless.” 

 

“Then find someone else that doesn’t make it seem pointless,” you say with more bite than he’s heard before. You look off screen and sigh. “He’s finishing up his game. I can’t keep doing this. Goodbye, Soonyoung.” 

 

You hang up before he gets a chance to respond. The goodbye hangs heavy in the air. It feels like this really might be it for you and him. Maybe that’s a good thing, though. Cut it off before you become enough of a distraction to impact his racing. 

 

---

 

True to your word, Soonyoung doesn’t hear from you after the terrible video call in Austria. He doesn’t reach out either. It’s hard to avoid any mention of you, though, since you seem to be making a point to come to all the races. But, no gossip headlines seem to follow. It seems that, for once, Taylor is just focusing on you and racing. Nothing extra. Maybe that’s because you’re at all the races. He’s not sure, though. As hard as it can be sometimes, he tries not to look at your socials. Knows that it’ll drive him crazy. 

 

In truth, he’s actually doing a good job of keeping himself busy. The British Grand Prix had come quickly after the Austrian Grand Prix, which helped in the initial aftermath. His team also has some changes that they want to make to the car and he takes his time adjusting to them. Racing will always be his first love and it’s nice to just throw all his energy into that. 

 

It also feels more manageable when he’s not going out and picking up random women. If his team notices this change, most don’t comment. There’s only Jihoon joking about the change to the gossip articles about him. Now, they’re wondering why he hasn’t been partying or going out. Some speculate that he’s met someone while others consider he’s hurt. Those don’t get nearly the traction, according to Jihoon, because people assume he would be partying if someone hurt him. 

 

Then comes the nearly month-long break between races in August and it’s a great opportunity to get away from it all for a bit. To see his sister and his friends. To catch up on all the things that feel a little too difficult when races come one after another. To do anything to avoid considering that time he suggested you and him could take advantage of the break. It gives him a chance to reset. Something he puts an exclamation point on when he decides that he wants to try out dyed blond hair instead of his usually shaggy black that he wears. 

 

At his team’s insistence, he also agrees to a photoshoot with Vogue. It feels like a little bit of a stretch. He cares about his image and his fashion choices, but he’s still a driver at the end of the day. The magazine, along with his team, points out that Formula One is having a major moment and that people are tuning in more than ever. Part of that seems due to drivers like him. After some back and forth with his team, they iron out all the details. It’s a much shorter turn around than normal because someone else fell through. Yet, they’re taking it as a sign since several people wanted a driver for the October cover anyway. The team also wants the exposure and with such a long break in August, they know they can fit a shoot into the schedule. While Soonyoung knows that he has control over his life, he also knows that his team is going to find a way to convince him regardless. So, he just goes along. 

 

When he shows up at the location, the people at Vogue also become some of the first to see his new hair since he’s been staying out of the spotlight. He worries, for a second, before they start fawning over his hair and him. The shoot itself is easier than he expects it to be, even if they have him in clothing he would not normally wear. Like a cropped sweatshirt or leather pants or sleeveless graphic tees. He’s a little surprised that it doesn’t make him more uncomfortable to show off some skin in that way. The photographers and the editors are all great, though. And he stays in great shape because driving is demanding. It’s not like it’s the first photoshoot. Far from it. It’s just a little different feeling like fashion is the focus.

 

Then comes the next race and it’s back to the normal schedule. Racing, meetings, media. There’s something to appreciate about a routine. It helps keep his brain occupied with something that he knows he’s good at. You still slip in periodically, especially when he sees you at a track, but he finds it easier to just ignore you entirely. At least once, it seems like you might say something when you’re walking by each other. You don’t, though, and Soonyoung doesn’t try to press anything. Reasons away that you could say something if you want because he doesn’t bother blocking you.

 

About a week before the new issue of Vogue is due to come out, Soonyoung sees the photos sent over to use for promotion. It’s also when he finds out that his manager and a few others from the team have seen two previous versions of photographs. Vogue had sent over the raw images right after the shoot, even though Soonyoung’s manager, Rachel, had also been present. Then, they got to see the final pictures for any vetoes before going to layout. With such a quick turnaround, the team hadn’t wanted to bother him. He also agrees that they know best when it comes to his own personal brand. 

 

Even though he’s not always one for using his socials, he knows that it’s part of the deal for him to make at least one post and one story ahead of the magazine release. Before seeing the photos, he wondered a bit how awkward it would be. Now, he thinks that he might actually stretch it out for several posts. Somehow, despite feeling awkward at times while posing, he acknowledges that the pictures came out great. Call him vain or conceited, but he looks good. Really good. Like a natural. Briefly, he wonders if he should consider more of the photoshoot requests that he knows his team gets. Rachel gives him an even bigger head when she points out that he’s one of only 15 men to ever appear on the cover of American Vogue and one of an even smaller number to appear on the cover without a woman alongside him. 

 

He figures he’ll post the teaser video that Vogue sent over first as a little behind the scenes look. Vogue seems to follow his lead and post a different, longer video to their page, which he then shares to his story. Predictably, comments and messages roll in without moments of the drop. It further boosts his ego to scroll through them. Sure, there’s some calling him an attention whore (like it’s a bad thing) or just saying they couldn’t believe Vogue picked him. Most, though, express appreciation over the teases of his abs or the way his arms look. Some seem surprised to find that’s what drivers look like and promise to get into the sport. Others still want to know when the rest of the photos will drop. 

 

The attention washes over him and fills him up. Strokes his ego. Makes him realize that it’s kind of pointless for him to be hiding out from the public or dwelling on the undefined whatever it was with you. Plenty of people want his attention. Plenty of people seem only too happy to give him whatever he wants, if the comments are anything to go by. That’s only the public ones. A quick scan of his DMs shows even bolder claims. A few even make him blush and he likes to think he’s pretty experienced as it is. Of course, he knows he can generally have his pick of people. It’s just nice to have the reminder. 

 

And then, there’s the message that threatens to derail the forward progress from his initial post. 

 

Trouble : you’re on the next cover of american vogue??
Trouble : since when??

 

Of course you comment on him having a photoshoot after three months of silence. It makes sense, in a way, at least, because he knows that you love fashion. When he opens the conversation with you, he sees the previous conversation. The last thing being the video call. For a moment, he considers responding. That call puts a stop to it, though. What’s the point of answering you when it’s all just the same song and dance? The sex is good, sure. But, the complications and the drama that come with it…not so much. Sometimes the chase just isn’t worth it. A difficult concept for a racer to wrap his head around. 

 

The next day, he posts again. This time, he shows off some of his favorite pictures from the shoot. Again, he shares Vogue’s post to his story. The flurry of comments comes even faster this time while people can see the actual pictures instead of a video. Somehow, in the flurry of notifications, he catches you responding to his story with an emoji. Nothing else. Something that could easily be explained away. It’s irritating because it feels like a way for you to force him to respond to the texts without texting again.

 

And then, you do text him again. 

 

Trouble : i know you’re ignoring me and i get it. i’m not really sure why i’m reaching out either since you were kind of an ass. 
Trouble : i think i’m done with taylor for real this time

 

He stares at his phone for longer than he should. Wonders if you’re watching like he has in the past. It’ll show you that he’s read the message. If you’re looking, it’ll even show that he types out a few different messages before deleting them. Sometimes, seeing that is even worse. He even considers just leaving you on read given everything. Can’t bring himself to do it, though.

 

Soonyoung : i don’t know what i’m supposed to say to that
Trouble : you answered though
Soonyoung : it seemed like you wanted my attention
Trouble : i’m not sure why now
Soonyoung : i’ll be getting into singapore for the race tomorrow
Trouble : and?
Soonyoung : you can come by my room to talk if you’re going to be there too

 

A pause. A reverse of a few moments ago. He watches as you type and then seem to delete several responses. The pause makes him wonder if he wants you to accept or to just leave it all alone. 

 

Trouble : yeah, i’ll be there

 

---

 

Soonyoung doesn’t tell anyone that he’s planning to see you on his first night in Singapore. Doesn’t really want to hear it. It’s his life and he knows that it’s a bad decision. He also doesn’t really want to deal with it if you decide not to show up. The last thing he said to you was which hotel he was in and what room. And that there would be a key at the special concierge desk. The only response comes in the form of a reaction emoji. For all Soonyoung knows, you may not show up. This may all be some ridiculous play. 

 

You show up like you say, though. Once you’re in his space again, it feels silly to have considered you wouldn’t show up. It does feel different yet again, though. After hearing from you, he went to look for articles about you and Taylor. There haven’t been any recently. Nothing to suggest that Taylor was caught out with some other woman in the middle of your relationship yet again. Nothing that hints at your motivation for saying it might really be over. It’s a break in the pattern. Maybe that’s what the two of you need. A reset on everything. 

 

“I seriously cannot stop looking at your Vogue photos,” is the first thing you say when you close the door and it actually makes him laugh. It’s so unserious. “Don’t laugh!”

 

“Come on,” he says, eyes crinkling. He can’t fully explain why it’s so funny. Can’t stop laughing either.

 

“What?” 

 

“You’ve seen me naked so many times. But, it’s those pictures that got you?” 

 

You roll your lips together. Look down and shake your head, yet you’re smiling. “That’s different. Seeing you all dressed up for a photoshoot. It’s hot. My jaw dropped.”

 

“Thanks,” he says, unable to fight the smug smile.

 

“And it’s gone straight to your head, of course,” you say. 

 

“I am glad you liked them. It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it might be,” he admits.

 

“You seem like a natural,” you admit and he smiles. 

 

“So, not to change the subject,” he says and watches the way the tension flows into your body. “But, uh, are we gonna talk about it?” 

 

You’re not really sure if you want to talk about it now that you’re with him. Actually, now that you’re here, you kind of want to take him to bed first and talk about anything later. It feels too hard to say everything that you want to. It also feels unfair that you would have to start the conversation. You’re not alone in getting into this mess with him. Neither one of you makes good choices where the other is concerned. 

 

“I actually have something that I want to show you, first,” you say evasively. It’s enough to pique his interest. Like you know it will be. 

 

“What’s that?” he asks.

 

“Come on,” you say and lead him towards the bedroom.

 

He doesn’t even hesitate to follow you. He knows he should. Knows that this is just more of the same where the two of you are entirely unhealthy. And then you strip down to show him new lingerie and he’s only a man. Completely entranced by you. Suddenly, it’s like he can’t remember the feel of you and needs to remind himself immediately. Dives in first and figures he can ask questions later.

 

Later does come, though. In the pleasant post-sex haze, it feels a little easier to talk. Like the tension washes away with the release of a good orgasm. Empowered by Soonyoung’s reaction to your ploy, it feels like you can actually start the conversation now. 

 

There isn’t anything specific driving your decision to walk away from Taylor for good. Nothing you can point to, at least. You asked to take another break after the last race and it came as a surprise to Taylor because it didn’t come in response to him messing something up again. You’ve just been doing a lot of thinking about relationships and what you might want. You might be younger than both Taylor and Soonyoung, but you don’t want to be stuck in this endless loop for the rest of your life. You don’t want the stress of not knowing where your boyfriend is when you’re not by his side. Don’t want to wake up every day wondering if there’s going to be another headline. Don’t want to keep fighting with your parents about your image. 

 

At the end of the day, you do still love Taylor. He’s the only serious relationship you’ve ever had. You’re just not sure if you like him anymore. You’re not sure if it should be so hard and so painful all the time. You’re also struggling with being vulnerable in front of Soonyoung, but you’re trying. All your life, you’ve been told that you have to wear a mask when you face the world. When you’re in the spotlight from a young age, it messes with your sense of reality. It messes with your sense of confidence. You admit it’s probably impacted your relationships even with your friends. 

 

There’s an aspect of your relationship with Soonyoung that also feels impacted by it. Given how it’s gone, it’s hard for you to know what’s real and what’s not. You know that it’s on you as well. It’s not like running back to the same person, a person who works in the same industry as her boyfriend and knows him, every time you’re upset is a good look either. But, you feel this draw to Soonyoung. Feels like you can actually be yourself in the moments tucked away with him. 

 

Whatever he’s expecting, it’s not this. Not this level of openness or feeling. It kind of flows from the last chats that you and him had, though. It also leaves it more open for him to share how he’s feeling. Something that he struggles with. Even now, with you sitting before him in one of his t-shirts, he’s not really sure he can explain how he feels. But, he reminds himself that he asked you to come and he can at least try to put things into words.

 

Of course he feels something for you, though he’s not really sure how to define the feeling. What he can do is let you into some of his thought process. Can acknowledge that he drops what he’s doing when you reach out to see him. That there’s been several times when he’s been with someone else and had them leave to see you. It’s clear that’s not the best thing for you to hear from the look on your face. It’s at least honest. You can admit that maybe it says things he can’t put into words to know that he keeps that space for you in his life. Even though it is more than sex, he wants you to know that he also explores in a different way than anyone else. 

 

Harder still, he pushes himself to tell you that there is still hesitation in opening up to you. It’s hard to fully believe that you’re done with Taylor for good this time. Harder still to set his ego aside when it comes to all the times he feels like he loses to his rival where you’re concerned. You want to point out that it isn’t a competition. That you’re not something to be won. It doesn’t feel like the right time, though. Doesn’t feel like it will help move the two of you forward. 

 

And then it comes around to the hardest part of the conversation. There’s a lot that you seem a little unsure about, but he remembers the last conversation. Remembers you wanting to be able to have a relationship in public as well as in private. When you agree that it’s still what you want, it makes Soonyoung pause. It’s difficult to see how that looks for the two of you when you’ve been linked to Taylor Williams for years. Even if it’s been rocky for most of that time, it’s still been in the public eye. If your parents are concerned about your current image, what would they think about hopping from one driver to the next? 

 

“That’s not what’s happening,” you insist, a little hurt.

 

“I know that and you know that, but we can’t exactly tell the world that,” he says. “And I also have my team to think about. I don’t want to have a whole shitstorm blowing back on them.” 

 

“Dating me would be a shitstorm, huh?” you ask, that protective wall building back up. Like you’re questioning if you can trust Soonyoung after all. 

 

“Don’t twist my words,” he says, irritation seeping into each word. “I like you and I think it’s clear that I do. I just think there’s two things here that can’t exist at the same time.” 

 

“Which are?” you challenge.

 

“You wanting your relationships to be public and me wanting to protect my image as well as my team’s,” he says. 

 

You want to take it personally because it feels personal. It feels almost like another rejection. It isn’t, though. Soonyoung admits that he likes you and that’s a step. A small one, maybe, but a step. It also could give you the space to figure out what you actually want. Which isn’t exactly the worst idea in the world.

 

“What are you suggesting, then?” you ask, keeping your guard partially up.

 

“That you figure out if this is really something you want and if it is, you break it off with Taylor for real. I don’t want to be a default choice or somehow a safer choice because I’m always here. If you’re done with him for real, then we can figure out what this looks like with us in a way where we both get what we want,” he says and waits for your reaction. 

 

It’s a fair point, isn’t it? It’s not like this only impacts you. The rational part of you also realizes the way it looks and that Soonyoung’s concern for his team is valid. Doesn’t make it any easier on your ego to feel like he still doesn’t want you in public, though. 

 

“I guess that’s fair.”

 

---

 

Things feel genuinely calm with you for the first time in…probably ever, if Soonyoung is honest. The two of you spend more time talking, when you can. Both of you have busy schedules. There’s a little bit of hesitancy on Soonyoung’s part, because it’s not the first time he’s thought it was settled only to find out it’s not. But, he’s trying not to overthink anything. It isn’t like after his birthday. You don’t leave messages unanswered. You tell him about the things that you have going on.

 

It’s easy. There isn’t pressure. 

 

The only nagging thing is that he doesn’t see anything come out about your relationship with Taylor one way or another. Not that he expects some big announcement. It just seems like if you’re putting effort into conversations with him, then it means that you’re sure about ending things. Maybe he should just ask you about it. After all, if there’s going to be any sort of next step for him with you, then you first need to sever ties with the other driver. There can’t be any sort of messy, public overlap. He may not know much about relationships, but he definitely knows about keeping his team as clean as possible. It’s been drilled into his head enough times to stick. 

 

Overall, though, things feel positive. He actually keeps posting on his socials because the attention is a welcome little boost. Agrees that his team can set up more photoshoots, ideally during that down after this season ends and before the next one begins. There are also some new brands that might want to work with the team and they’re going to vet out the best options. It feels nice to be able to share some of those things with you because you understand. Not only have you been around racing for a long time, since before you began dating Taylor. You also understand brand deals and photoshoots. 

 

Of course, nothing seems to stay calm forever. Only two people on the team know about his potentially developing relationship with you. The same two that already know about your existence in Soonyoung’s life. Jihoon and his manager, Rachel. Beyond that, it’s need-to-know and nobody needs to know. Not yet, at least. Maybe not ever, actually, given the news Jihoon shares. 

 

Without warning, Jihoon lets himself into Soonyoung’s hotel room. Soonyoung is about to protest when he catches the look on his friend’s face. 

 

“What’s up?” he asks and glances down at the phone in Jihoon’s hand. “Don’t tell me there’s an issue with the car.” 

 

“Not the car, no,” Jihoon says, face unreadable. Like he’s trying for something he can’t quite achieve. 

 

“What is it?” Soonyoung presses. As an answer, Jihoon just hands over his phone. 

 

It seems odd until he sees the picture there. You and Taylor. A picture he posted to his Instagram with a caption about how glad he is that you came back to him after being on a long break. His stomach drops for a second before he just shakes his head. Lets out a dry chuckle. Of fucking course. 

 

“Not the reaction I expected,” Jihoon admits. 

 

“What am I supposed to do except laugh?” he asks. 

 

“Look, I’m not really the feelings friend, but…”

 

Soonyoung waves his friend off. “It’s fine. I’m fine. I don’t need all the bullshit and the drama anymore.” 

 

Jihoon shrugs. “If you say so.”

 

“I’ve been doing fine without relationships all this time. I’ll be fine now,” he says, though he isn’t really convincing anyone.

 

“Come on. We can get something to eat before the next meeting,” Jihoon says to change the conversation.

 

“Yeah, just a second,” Soonyoung says and looks back at his phone. He pulls up your conversation.

 

Soonyoung : enjoy whatever bullshit you’ve got going on
Soonyoung : don’t call me this time when shit hits the fan
Soonyoung : i’m done

 

He goes into the settings and mutes the conversation. Doesn’t block you because he can’t bring himself to do it. But, he doesn’t want to see your name on his phone either. Then, he locks his phone and gathers his things to follow Jihoon out of the room. 

 

The day drags on and Soonyoung is only half listening. He can do all the pre-race shit in his sleep. It makes it a little easier since his brain is elsewhere this time. Whenever he needs to listen, Jihoon nudges him or covers for him. That’s not often, though. Really, he’s just proud that he makes it through the day without checking for messages from you. Doesn’t know what’s worse. If he checks and there’s something there or if he checks and there’s nothing. Even though he asks you to leave him alone, part of him thinks the latter is worse. It shows you don’t really care. Maybe you’re not the only one who seems a little drawn to the toxic kind of love. 

 

Soonyoung opens a hard seltzer sitting on the balcony of his room staring out over the city. Considers going out for a moment and just picking up some random stranger. Wonders if it would feel better. Instead, he settles for snapping a picture of the skyline and putting it on Instagram. Some stupid caption about getting ready for the race ahead. It’s something to just distract him a little because he knows that it’ll rack up the likes without him even being in the picture. Same for the comments. People want to know where he is, what he’s up to, if the picture is current. 

 

Normally, he doesn’t watch the interactions rise. Tonight, he feels like he needs the validation that there are more people in his world than just you. It’s because he is watching that he sees a like from a familiar name. Then a comment about having a similar view. Soonyoung does a double take because he’s sure he knows the name. Confirms it when he clicks on the profile. Genevieve. A very close friend of yours. One he remembers seeing out on his birthday. She must know about the ups and downs, yet she’s here leaving comments and likes. 

 

It’s the worst idea in the world. Worse, by far, than going out to the bars to try and pick someone up. But, he’s not really in the business of making great decisions even in the best of times. This isn’t exactly the best of times. So, he opens up a message with her and sends something asking if she’s in town this early for the race. Her response is nearly immediate saying she must be staying in the same hotel. Sends her own picture to compare. And then he makes another questionable decision by saying which hotel he’s in. Genevieve confirms they’re in the same one. She admits she actually had something else to take care of that has her in town like this. She doesn’t follow the races around like you.

 

That feels like even more dangerous territory. He considers it for a full few seconds, at least. Then he sends his room number and asks if she wants to come up. She doesn’t ask anything else, just says to give her 10 minutes and she’ll be up. 

 

He answers the door when she knocks, unafraid of being seen inviting her inside. Why should he be? She’s single. Completely unattached. Uncomplicated to the rest of the world, though very complicated for him. That’s an issue he can deal with later. She’s just as pretty as he remembers and looks like she’s ready to make him forget his own name.

 

“I’m surprised you came,” he says once she’s inside.

 

“I’m surprised you invited me,” she admits with a knowing look. “Though, you’ve clearly been online today.” 

 

“I have.” 

 

“Nothing else?” 

 

It’s unclear what game she’s playing and he looks at her for a moment before deciding to answer. “I’m pretty sure you know my situation.” 

 

“For whatever it’s worth, I also found out when he posted the picture of them,” she says and rolls her eyes. “I figured it would be you.” 

 

“And yet, you’re still here,” he points out.

 

Genevieve considers him for a moment. “You’re hot and if it’s only tonight, well…it’s only tonight. It doesn’t always have to be complicated, though.” 

 

“No, it doesn’t,” he agrees.

 

“So how about we make tonight uncomplicated?”

 

“Let’s go,” he says and pulls her with him to the bedroom. 

 

Somewhere in an entirely different city, you’re trying to come to terms with the messages from Soonyoung. Trying to wrap your head around if he’s really done. Of course, he’s never said anything like that before. Never been so final. He’s also never left a message from you unread and unanswered. You figure it must mean something that it still goes through, even though you sent it several hours after his. But, still. He doesn’t answer. Doesn’t even read it. 

 

It seems unfair. Unreasonable. Even if a small voice, which gets louder by the minute, acknowledges he has a point. You didn’t say that you were going to break it off with Taylor, not in so many words. But, the implication had definitely been there. You know it’s fair of him to be mad after seeing the post from Taylor, too. You won’t admit that to him or anyone else, though. 

 

Soonyoung is exciting and different and probably more what you need. Unlike Taylor, he doesn’t commit to someone only to break that trust. He doesn’t promise to be faithful when he knows that he can’t. He doesn’t let himself get photographed with someone else when he’s in a relationship. Not that you know of him being in a relationship any time recently. Which may be an issue. There’s nothing to say he would treat you the same way Taylor does, as an accessory. Then again, there’s nothing to say he wouldn’t when there aren’t exes of his to compare. Despite all of that, you go back to Taylor because somehow it just feels easier. You don’t have to wait things out or exist in private while the dust settles. 

 

The decision is made, whether you wanted it to be final or not. As day turns to night, you know that he’s not going to answer you. Possibly for the first time since you started all of this. Then, you see him post something on his Instagram and it feels like the final nail. Feels like he’s underlining the point that you made your bed and now you have to lie in it. 

 

And then your heart sinks. You see a comment under his post from a friend of yours. One of the friends that knows your whole complicated history with Soonyoung. See that she’s under his picture saying she’s in Mexico City as well. You can’t even recall her saying that she was going to the race. Or that she had some reason to be there early like this. As you’re wondering if you should message her, you go to look at the comments again. Only to find that it’s not there. Sure, there are a lot of comments to scroll through. Still, it’s painfully obvious that her comment is gone. 

 

Your heart sinks. It immediately goes to the worst place. Which isn’t fair at all. You can’t claim someone that you cast aside. Still, she wouldn’t. Would she?

 

You : hey can we talk really quick?
You : kinda need a friend

 

Five minutes go by. Then ten. Then twenty. You realize that you’re not going to get an answer from her and you can guess why.

 

---

 

The Las Vegas Grand Prix is Soonyoung’s favorite race every year. There’s just something about the track and the city that pulls him in. The draw to the city is obvious. It never seems to sleep and there’s always something to get into. For someone like Soonyoung, it can feel a bit like a playground. Not that he’s the only racer to feel this way. Many of them come in early so that they can party. It’s why so many of them circle this race on their calendars. Sometimes they go out alone, sometimes it’s with the team, sometimes it’s with friends. It’s always an event in any case.

 

Really, though, the bigger draw, at least for Soonyoung, is the track itself. It’s one of the only night races during the season. Pair that with the track having a long straightaway past the infamous Las Vegas strip and it makes it feel a little different. A little more exciting. The track has some high speed sections, but then pairs that with some tight corners. It’s the race he looks for on the calendar every year. 

 

This year isn’t any different. At least to start. Soonyoung gets into the city earlier than necessary, strictly speaking, so that he can appreciate some of what it offers. He’ll be able to work with a trainer to make sure he’s staying in shape and run his simulations. He’ll also be able to enjoy some of the nightlife and the shows. It’s the only balance he’s willing to accept and his team knows as much this far into his career. They need to let him blow off steam in order to race his best. It’s a small compromise in the grand scheme of things. Or a little bigger of a compromise this year because he needs an extra day or two than normal. He’s got a lot of steam to blow off. 

 

Unfortunately, that’s when the differences start. It’s an open secret that Soonyoung goes to Las Vegas early. Sometimes even earlier than other racers, like this year. It’s something he’s done for at least half his career now. Usually, he just shows up in silence. People will see him and sometimes even post about it. He doesn’t typically post for himself, though. Until this time. Until he sees you vaguely posting emo things on your socials. Like you’re upset about something Taylor did. Again. Which seems especially insane given that you were going to walk away. Were going to be done because you wanted to figure out what, if anything, could exist with Soonyoung. So, to see you go back to him only to end up in this position does give him a small amount of pleasure. It’s petty, sure. Still feels like karma for letting him find out over an Instagram post that you weren’t actually done with that asshole you call a boyfriend.

 

It still does something to his ego, though. Not that he wants to admit he still wants you in that way. He can, however, admit that he wants to try to remind you that it doesn’t have to be complicated. Soonyoung can post about the places he’s going to visit. Can post thirst traps taken in his hotel bedroom. The fans all seem to appreciate the way he posts on his socials now. The thirst traps may be a little out of the ordinary, but nobody is complaining. The only person who has anything remotely negative to say is Jihoon, who seems to see the posts for what they are. All he does is warn his best friend to be careful. He’s already playing with fire when it comes to you on the best day. This is worse. 

 

Yet, it doesn’t seem to get your attention. Until it does.

 

On his last night of freedom before he has to lock in for race activities, he goes out to one of the clubs. It’s a different one than normal, one he actually hasn’t been to before. But, a very attractive promoter promises him VIP entry and he’s only a man. Who is he to ignore a pretty smile from someone offering him perks that he knows he could get regardless. She even promises to come find him while he’s there. Something he knows he should turn down, except…well, he’s locking in tomorrow. So, he heads in and lets himself enjoy the night. Actually hits the dance floor and lets loose a little bit. Doesn’t post anything on socials because it hasn’t gotten the attention he expects. That doesn’t seem to stop others from posting about seeing him out and mingling.

 

Then, something shifts. Like he has another sense. He can tell something is different before he even looks around. When he does, though, his heart skips a beat. There you are, standing at the closest bar and glancing over at him. You look irritated, which doesn’t make any sense. What could you possibly have to be irritated about standing in a bar in Las Vegas by yourself? 

 

Your eyes meet his and he knows that somehow he’s pissed you off. You indicate a quieter area with your head and he nods before he can think better of it. Might as well follow you. It’s not like he can pretend it’s going to go any other way. 

 

It seems a little insane, though. You being mad. You had him and went back to Taylor anyway. Agreed to take time to figure things out, then went back to old habits. What do you have to be mad about now? You made your choice and he’s still the one living with it. 

 

You duck into a small VIP room without anyone stopping you. Not that anyone would since you’re incredibly recognizable. For all he knows, you may have paid for a VIP space. The room is small and Soonyoung doesn’t bother closing the door behind him. It’s not like anyone is going to bother them back here. 

 

As soon as you round on him, he knows you’re more than just a little irritated. “What the fuck, Soon?” 

 

“What?” he asks, taken aback. 

 

“What is with all the thirst posting and the activity on socials?” 

 

Of course that’s what this is about. “Seriously? You tracked me down just to talk about my posting habits?” 

 

You cross your arms, fire blazing in your eyes. “Don’t act all innocent. You’re trying to bait me.”

 

“Seems like a stretch.”

 

“Really? You never post when you show up here early and then suddenly, hours after my post, one of yours shows up. And then it kept going like that every time I posted.”

 

“I was just trying to enjoy my time here.”

 

“I could maybe get that, maybe,” you say with a venomous look, “if not for those thirst traps. Like what the actual fuck?”

 

Soonyoung smirks and a lesser man might wither under your stare. “So you’re saying you enjoyed them.”

 

“Jesus fucking christ, Soonyoung, I am not here to debate whether or not you’re hot when we both know that you are.” 

 

“So you think I’m hot.”

 

“Fuck all the way off, actually.”

 

“We can arrange that.” 

 

You take a steadying breath. Seem like you might be counting to three. “Of course you’re hot. You know that. I know that. Everyone in the world seems to know that. This isn’t about that, though.” 

 

“What is it about, then?” 

 

“You’re trying to fuck with my relationship,” you finally accuse and he shakes his head. 

 

“I don’t think you need my help with that.”

 

“Funny.”

 

He closes his eyes and swallows. Counts to three. You really are something else. The nerve on you to come in here. “You have no fucking right to be mad about anything I’m doing.”

 

“Is that so?”

 

“Yes,” Soonyoung answers venomously.

 

“And why’s that?”

 

“Last time I checked you were the one who decided this,” he says, indicating the two of you, “wasn’t worth your time. And last time I checked you were the one who didn’t even have the decency to message me first before I saw something on Taylor’s fucking Instagram.”

 

“I didn’t promise you that I would leave him. And you said you were fine, just done when you saw it. Then you go off and fuck my friend because your ego is bruised…”

 

“I don’t know what…”

 

“I know you fucked Genevieve. I figured as much the night it happened because, well…that’s not important. I asked her and she told me.”

 

“We weren’t together. Aren’t together. I didn’t owe it to you to not…”

 

“Sleep with my friend?”

 

“Bit of a double standard.”

 

“Now you’re out here trying to fuck with my relationship…”

 

His lips roll together and he takes another breath. It might be a private room, but somewhere in his brain registers that he probably should not be having this fight with you even partially in public. 

 

“Honestly, I don’t see how me posting some pictures is fucking with your relationship. Did I want your attention? Sure. And did I think you owed me an explanation and an apology? Yes. But, you’ve been with Taylor for literal years of breaking up and making up. If me posting a few pictures while you seem like you’re struggling is enough to cause issues, then it really might not be my fault,” he says and watches as the tension finally starts to release. Just for a moment before he opens his mouth again. “You and Taylor are toxic as fuck.” 

 

All the tension snaps back into place. You’re on the defensive again. “And what are we?” 

 

Soonyoung shrugs. “Probably fucked up, too. But, I gave you an out...” 

 

“Where we hid!” 

 

“Where we figured our shit out,” he corrects. “I’m not the one you’re mad at. I’m not the one in a relationship with you still fucking other women on the side.”

 

“No, you’re just fucking me in and out of my relationship,” you say. 

 

“Like I said,” he says with a dry chuckle, “we’re probably fucked up too.” 

 

“Your posting just made me feel like it was to try and get my attention.”

 

“It was.” 

 

“At least you admit it.”

 

“Yeah well, I was mad at you and it felt especially fucking pointless that you went back when you’re clearly upset again.”

 

“You think you know me.” 

 

“Did it work?” he asks and you raise your eyebrows. “The posting, did it work?”

 

You smile despite yourself. Look away so that you can hide at least some of the smile. Soonyoung takes it as a sign and closes the space between you. When you look up into his eyes, you’re somehow guarded and vulnerable at the same time. Like your fight or flight response is trying to decide which to engage. He pulls you against him by the arm and kisses you. Softly at first. Testing the waters. At least until you wrap your arms around him and deepen the kiss. Desperately looking to feel something. Looking to explore the relationship you’re trying so desperately to keep at arm’s length.

 

As soon as you moaned into his mouth, you should have known that it was over. Isn’t this exactly why you came out to Las Vegas early and went to the trouble of finding him? Isn’t this exactly what you wanted to happen? Maybe there’s a reason he keeps you in his phone as Trouble, after all.

 

“My hotel room,” he says and peppers kisses down your neck. “I’ll send you the location.”

 

“And if I don’t show up?”

 

“You will.”

 

---

 

The next morning comes entirely too early. You’re draped across Soonyoung’s body when something starts to pierce the quiet sanctuary of his hotel room. First comes the incessant ringing of his phone. It’s been vibrating for a while without him paying it any mind. The ringing is a little harder to ignore. You groan and nestle deeper into the bed. Just as he’s considering if he’s going to ignore it, there’s a persistent knocking at the door. Whoever it is obviously wants his attention immediately. The clock next to the bed says that it’s barely past 6 in the morning. It’s entirely too much on a day that’s only supposed to be the start of media availability as the rest of the drivers arrive in the city. The ones who don’t come in early to party. The actual driver requirements are minimal. 

 

“What the fuck?” you groan, still mostly asleep.

 

It must be something, though. So, Soonyoung figures he’ll deal with problems in the order of immediacy. He pulls on a pair of briefs and a t-shirt from next to the bed to head in the direction of the door. He’s almost there when he hears the click and the door opens. Jihoon is on the other side with his manager, Rachel, right behind him. While Jihoon looks a little annoyed, Rachel looks apoplectic with rage. 

 

“Uh, good morning?” Soonyoung asks, rubbing his eyes. 

 

“Are you alone?” Rachel asks. 

 

Soonyoung at least has the decency to look a little sheepish. Glances over his shoulder into the bedroom that he knows neither of the other two can see into. “No.” 

 

Rachel pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs heavily. Beside her, Jihoon looks half sleepy and half annoyed. Nothing in Soonyoung’s brain is able to reason away the two of them being here so early in the morning. Thankfully, it doesn’t seem like it’ll take long to find out. His manager calls out your name and Soonyoung’s eyes go a little wide. How had she known that you were in the bedroom?

 

“Can you please put some clothes on and come out here?” Rachel asks.

 

“Uh,” you say, incredibly unsure but more awake than Soonyoung feels. “Yeah, sure.”

 

While they’re waiting for you, Rachel leads the way to the couch and indicates that Soonyoung should sit. She, however, stays standing. After a moment, Jihoon plops down into one of the armchairs. There’s a rustling of drawers in the bedroom and then you come out wearing one of Soonyoung’s shirts and a pair of his sweatpants, probably rolled over several times at the waist. You take in both his manager and Jihoon, both of whom know about the relationship. It seems to take at least a little of your edge off as you sit down next to Soonyoung. He can’t really stop himself from reaching out and squeezing your thigh lightly.

 

“Can either of you explain this?” Rachel asks and hands over a tablet Soonyoung had not even noticed. 

 

You’re first to reach out and accept it, holding it so that both you and him can look at it. There’s a big headline on a popular gossip website: ULTIMATE BETRAYAL - NEW DRAMA IN THE KWON-WILLIAMS SAGA. Underneath, there’s a grainy picture, that seems a little too zoomed in, of you and Soonyoung kissing that must have been taken through a doorway. Likely through the door that he didn’t bother to close the night before. Underneath, there’s an article that you’re already scanning. 

 

It seems like there might be yet another reason for the heated rivalry between McLaren’s Kwon Soonyoung and Ferrari’s Taylor Williams. It’s no secret that Williams and his socialite girlfriend make the headlines frequently. But, until now, it always seems like it’s because Williams is stepping out with someone else. The relationship always seems to weather the storm after a few days or weeks with the couple posting a new picture to their socials. Plenty of friends speak anonymously about the relationship. Now, though, it seems like there’s another wrinkle entirely. A source, who requested not to have their name printed, snapped the above photo of Williams’ girlfriend tucked away in a private room with none other than Kwon Soonyoung. For any that aren’t following F1, Kwon and Williams have a long standing rivalry on the grid, with the former usually seeming to come out on top. It seems like the long-time bachelor may have been coming in first in more ways than one for much longer than anyone realized. We can reveal, through our source, that the two were first seen arguing in a private room of a popular Las Vegas club before the kiss in the photograph above. The source overheard them suggesting that this affair may be a long standing thing. The source indicated the pair definitely seemed like they knew each other well. Social posts show that Kwon has been in the area for the last few days, seemingly enjoying parties and shows. Meanwhile, Williams has been silent. A separate inside source revealed that he was not even in town yet at the time of the picture. Most racers are scheduled to arrive today to start activities ahead of the race this weekend. As of the time of posting, none of the parties had responded to a request for comment. One thing is for sure, though, this race is sure to have a little extra drama now. 

 

By the time Soonyoung gets to the bottom of the article, it’s clear you’re already finished. Your face is a little white and you look a little sick. It probably doesn’t have anything to do with drinking the night before or the early hour. Silently, you hold the tablet out to his manager and then lean back into the couch when she takes it. You cover your face with your hands and sigh. 

 

“Well?” Rachel prompts again.

 

“I can’t believe anyone saw us,” you say softly. The quiet of your voice is devastating. It’s so timid. So unsure. Like you’re one step away from crying. 

 

“I should’ve closed the door,” Soonyoung realizes. 

 

“You shouldn’t have been interacting like that in public at all!” Rachel says firmly. 

 

“How many people have seen this?” you ask and Rachel sighs.

 

“A lot. I haven’t been able to get them to pull it. I even offered an exclusive interview with Soonyoung, but no dice,” she says. 

 

“Where are your phones? I was trying to get a hold of both of you,” Jihoon says, speaking for the first time. 

 

Soonyoung nods towards the bedroom. “I heard mine, but I…”

 

“Didn’t answer, we know,” Rachel says, marching off in the direction of the bedroom. She returns with both Soonyoung’s phone and yours. Tosses them to each of you. 

 

You immediately unlock your phone and Soonyoung watches your face fall all over again as you start to scroll. He can’t see who the messages are from, but assumes that it’s bad. That’s not even considering what Taylor is going to say. Or what he’s already said, possibly. It seems like it’s too much and you throw your phone onto the cushion next to you. “This is a fucking nightmare.”

 

“Rachel, I’m really sorry…” Soonyoung starts, only to fall silent when she puts her hand up. 

 

“You told me that this was over,” she says, the accusation heavy in the air. “ You said that she got back together with Taylor Williams and you were done.” 

 

Your eyes meet his and you look smaller. Yet, he can’t feel bad. Not over this. You have to know, even if you and him haven’t talked about it yet. He breaks the eye contact to look back at his manager. “It was. I…I’m sorry.” 

 

“It’s my fault,” you say after a moment. “I owed him a conversation that I was too scared to have and then I tracked him down out here because I thought he was trying to bait me with his posts.”

 

“He was,” Jihoon says under his breath.

 

“Thanks, man,” Soonyoung says, even though he’s already admitted as much to you. 

 

Rachel immediately goes into fix-it mode. Cuts off the bickering with another wave of her hand. Directs her first comment to you. “I need your manager’s number. We can coordinate how to tackle this. First, I’m going to need to ask you some questions.”

 

“Whatever you need,” you answer, surprisingly helpful. Or maybe it’s not surprising. It’s the first scandal that Soonyoung remembers with you at the center instead of your boyfriend, yet hardly your first time dealing with the media. Arguably, he may have more at stake.

 

“What’s the current status of your relationship?” Rachel asks, again directing it to you.

 

“On a break as of a few days ago,” you say after a moment. Soonyoung’s gaze whips to the side to look at you. Leave it to you to leave that out. 

 

“Would he confirm that?” Rachel asks and you sigh.

 

“I don’t know, with this story out. My manager can send you the messages, though, if you need them for any reason,” you say.

 

“What else happened at the club?” 

 

This time, Soonyoung answers. “Nothing beyond the kiss.”

 

“And the fight?” Jihoon prompts, but Rachel waves it off. 

“We’ll get there,” she says. “Just a kiss? Did you leave together?”

 

“No,” both you and Soonyoung say. Look at each other to decide who should carry on.

 

“I asked her to meet me back at my hotel room and said that I’d send her the location. I left the room immediately after that and exited the club after smiling for a few pictures with fans.”

 

“And I went back to the bar. Interacted with a few people and I took down the information from some girl that wanted me to look at a business proposal.”

 

“At a club?” Jihoon asked, confused. You only shrug.

 

“I get contacts all over, really,” you say.

 

“Okay,” Rachel says with a nod. “You didn’t leave at the same time. Or even close enough to really draw a conclusion, that’s good.” 

 

“People still saw…” you start.

 

“I know, but we can work with that,” Rachel says, cutting over you. “What about this fight?” 

 

The two of you look at each other again. Both of you seem to realize that you have to recap as much of the conversation that you can remember, though. It’s the only way to find a way forward. Together, you recall as much as you can because you’re not sure what the eavesdropper may have heard. Rachel grimaces at the end. 

 

“You said that you two were fucking in and out of your relationship?” Rachel questions you and you only nod. “We’ll hope they didn’t hear that part.”

 

“It seems like they might’ve, given the article,” you say, voice small again. 

 

“Said she could have left?” Rachel asks, directing this to Soonyoung who nods. 

 

“Right before the fucking…” he adds and falls silent at the look on Rachel’s face. 

 

Everyone takes a beat while she rubs her face in contemplation.. “Okay. Give me your manager’s contact info, I’m sure they’ve tried to contact you…”

 

“She has.” 

 

“And do not speak to anyone about this. I’m going to try and get a statement out within the next hour.” 

 

“Thank you,” Soonyoung says, injecting every ounce of sincerity he can muster. Finally, Rachel’s face softens. It’s not like he usually creates many issues for her to solve. 

 

“Stay out of trouble,” she says, but with a smile this time.

 

“Should I leave?” you ask, looking around at everyone in the room. Rachel looks over at Soonyoung before her eyes return to you.

 

“That’s really up to you two. I’m not worried about someone seeing you leaving from here because there are a million reasons for you to be at this hotel,” Rachel says after a moment.

 

“Okay,” is your only response.

 

“What do you need from me?” Jihoon asks as Rachel turns to leave. 

 

“I didn’t know how he would take it, but he seems calm,” Rachel says with a sympathetic look. “So, I guess I just needed to get into the room.” 

 

“I’m gonna go get more sleep, then,” he says and calls a goodbye as he follows Rachel out of the room. 

 

“Well,” Soonyoung starts and you only groan.

 

“I guess it was only a matter of time.”

 

“For what it’s worth, I am sorry.” 

 

That makes you look over at him and tilt your head. “For what?” 

 

“The posting? The fight last night? I don’t know, all of it.” 

 

That pulls a laugh from you. “Pretty sure I’m the one who should be saying sorry.” 

 

“I wasn’t going to mention it…”

 

“I’m sorry,” you say and frown. “I think I owe you a proper conversation for everything that happened. But, for now, I’m just gonna say sorry for dragging you into this. You don’t deserve it.” 

 

“True, but still. I was being an asshole trying to get your attention.” 

 

“I didn’t have to fall for it.” 

 

Soonyoung takes a moment to let that sink in. Knows that you probably do shoulder more of the blame for this with everything that’s gone on. Knows that he’s not innocent either. He didn’t have to shut down and shut you out when you got back together with Taylor. And he definitely didn’t have to go sleep with a friend of yours. He’s trying to process the long history of mistakes since the first time you called him when Taylor did something wrong. Though, admittedly, you did push the both of you over the edge this time.

 

There’s still a gaping hole on the next step for him. This is a big mess and he’s got a race coming up. The last thing he wants is for this to blow back onto his team. His issues are his own. Or, his and yours at the moment. The rest of his team doesn’t deserve to take any heat for this. That doesn’t even acknowledge what any of the sponsors might say. He’s a partier, which they all know, so it may not be awful. But, you’re not single. Sometimes, you’re unattached when you drop into his life. Not always. A fact that he’s hoping stays hidden despite all this. Maybe, if that can stay hidden, he can ride out the storm without any hits to his career and his team. That’s not considering what you might deal with, though. 

 

Then, there’s the bigger issue of what you and him do next. You’re right. There are a lot of conversations that you and him need to have. There needs to be more openness than there’s been in the past. And only then can either of you decide if this is something you’re even interested in. He’s not sure he can answer that question for himself right now. It’s clear, at least to him, that he cares about you. Is it enough, though? Is it enough to overcome all the drama and the bullshit and the headache of it all?

 

You’re on your phone again when Soonyoung pulls himself out of his thoughts. This time, he can tell that you’re actually opening conversations and answering. There’s probably a lot for you to sort out. He wonders if he should say anything else to you apart from saying sorry. 

 

“Do you mind if…” you start and frown back at your phone. Shake your head and look over at him. “Is it okay if I just hide out here for a bit? I know you’ve got a million things, so…”

 

“It’s fine,” he says immediately. 

 

“Are you sure? I don’t want to be a burden,” you say. He hates that you look so unsure, yet isn’t really sure what to do about it. You’re not his. Your problems aren’t necessarily his to solve, even when they involve him. You made sure of that when you got back with Taylor the last time.

 

“Yeah, we’re kind of in this together now, right?” Soonyoung says and notes the flicker of something on your face. Too fast for him to really register, though it looks a little like you’re hurt. “You can keep borrowing my clothes or have your manager drop by.”

 

“Thanks,” you say softly.

 

“We need to have a conversation,” he says and you nod with a frown on your face. “I’m gonna take a shower first, though, because I’m too awake now. There’s another bedroom if you need to make any calls or whatever.

 

“Yeah, there’s definitely a couple calls I should probably make.”

 

After Soonyoung showers and you make your calls, the two of you do figure that you should sit down. It all feels a little too familiar. Like you’ve had this conversation one too many times. Neither of you really wants to make the same promises as before, but neither can ignore it either. Every decision both of you make seems to lead you back to this place. This moment. This place with each other. 

 

You jump in first and confirm that you had asked for a break from Taylor before coming out to Las Vegas. Admit that you hadn’t even been sure you were going to come to the race at all given that. You’ve also already sent a message to Taylor that you need to talk to him and that maybe the break was the right thing for you. Beyond that, you’re not really sure what the future looks like for you. It feels a little up in the air. That doesn’t even acknowledge any conversation that you have to have with your parents.

 

For Soonyoung’s part, he is as honest as he can be. The draw to you is clear. You’re that habit he can’t seem to quit, regardless of what it means for anything else. But, he’s also about to go into race mode and he’s not sure that he can figure this all out now. He’s also not sure he can trust that it’s over with Taylor. Which isn’t what you want to hear, even if you understand it. 

 

All either of you can do for now is weather this storm and figure it all out after the race. 

 

---

 

The next few days leading up to the race kind of pass in a blur where Soonyoung isn’t able to figure anything out with you. Not for lack of wanting to, from either of you. It’s just pretty terrible timing all around and you’re both dealing with that as new things pop up.. Both taking a lot of heat in very different ways. 

 

Your statement hits first. An apology to anyone that you may have upset or disappointed in the process of your time in Las Vegas. An open, and partially fake, story about how you have been struggling with a lot of decisions in your life, including your relationship with Taylor Williams. A definitive statement that you and him have been on another break while you figure out some changes that you need to make. Of course, you prefer to keep your private life just that, but understand that isn’t always the case. Going forward, your statement says you’re committing to working on yourself. The only surprise is that Taylor comes out with a short statement just after that confirming that you and him had been on a break and he doesn’t hold anything against you going forward. The comment sections are far less kind. There’s a lot of judgment over your actions. A lot of name-calling. Just ugliness. 

 

Rachel has a statement out from Soonyoung shortly after that. From the team rather than from him directly. A difference he can appreciate about his life as a driver instead of a socialite. The statement notes that the team does not like to get involved in the private lives of drivers as long as he remains committed to racing. Which he continues to do without missing any scheduled events. The statement goes on to say that Soonyoung has known you for a long time due to your ties to Formula One. Someone witnessed a private moment, but it was nowhere near what the article wanted to make it out to be. Beyond that, McLaren wants to commit to upholding their excellence in racing and looks forward to another strong finish from their drivers at the coming race. 

 

Soonyoung’s comment sections are far kinder. There are those that speculate if you’re the real reason for the tension between him and Taylor Williams. Some also seem envious of you for your proximity to two different popular drivers. Most, however, just kind of accept the story. There are those that even go as far as calling out the article for posting the story in the first place. Everyone knows that Soonyoung is single and he likes to enjoy himself. There’s no need to blow something out of proportion as long as it doesn’t impact the race. 

 

Honestly, this is the problem with social media. Or maybe society as a whole. You’re getting called all sorts of names and judged while he mostly gets a pass. 

 

The press aren’t as willing to let bygones be bygones. Instead of asking about preparations for the race, they want to know about Soonyoung’s relationship to you. If it’s the only time anything’s happened. If he’s talked to Taylor about the whole thing. If he thinks it’s the right way to do any of it. From the videos, Taylor is getting his own set of questions. Soonyoung is prepared, though, thanks to Rachel. He just repeats that he’s not going to bring his personal life into the race and he’s not answering questions about you. Most seem to accept it after an attempt or two. Some are more persistent. For those that are more insistent, Soonyoung just says he’s single and he keeps his personal life separate. There’s a knowing look on some faces that he doesn’t love, but he’s made his bed. Not much else he can do. 

 

A few times, he considers reaching out to Taylor Williams. The rivalry during races is good for the sport. This isn’t really good for anyone. It’s also clear that he’s fielding the questions with a little more emotion. Although he also says he’s focusing ahead, it’s clear that he’s dwelling a bit on the whole mess. Clearer still when the two cross paths walking through the garages during practice laps or qualifying. Taylor isn’t ever friendly when they pass each other. Now he fully ignores Soonyoung. Another fact that the media seems to pick up on and run with. The headlines eat up the new layer to the rivalry. Soonyoung tries to just lock in.

 

It’s not fair and he knows it’s not, but with all of this going on, he doesn’t have time to really check if you’re okay. He sends a few messages. Knows that he shares blame for the situation. Knows that he’s not taking the same heat as you. It’s just going to be infinitely worse for both him and his team if he doesn’t perform well at this race. At his favorite track. At the one everyone expects him to show up for. That small voice in the back of his head also points out that this could have all been avoided if you hadn’t gotten back together with Taylor yet again. It didn’t have to be this. So, he focuses on the things he can and doesn’t see you for the race.

 

When he sees another driver knock his time off for the pole, he starts to worry a little that he’s not as dialed in as he should be. Then, another driver slides into the pole in the final qualifying of the day, knocking him back to third position. One above Taylor. It seems both like a sign of something bad to come and like the inevitable conclusion. The two of them have to walk out together during introductions. Have to line up next to each other. Have to be lumped together for the race as the third and fourth position. It’s when Soonyoung really does know he should say something. It’s the mature thing to do.

 

Which is why he doesn’t do it. Doesn’t even try to reach out to his rival. 

 

The night of the race arrives seemingly too quickly. Soonyoung feels a little nervous in a way that’s entirely foreign to him. At least at this point in his career. It’s the tenth time he’s run the actual race in Las Vegas. He can’t tell you how many times he’s run it with practice laps and qualifying. He knows this track. Loves it. Yet, he’s nervous about a lot of things. Some of his pre-checks don’t go the way he expects. Some of his superstitions fall flat. He finds it harder than usual to dial himself into the race the way he normally would. 

 

The crowd noise pierces his concentration during introductions more than it normally would. He can feel that he doesn’t seem as confident as any other race. Can even feel the urge to glance over at Taylor Williams. Soonyoung wants to know if his rival is taking notice. More than that, he wants to know if you’re there. And if you are, who are you there to see? Even though he knows that he could have asked, it seemed like the wrong thing to do. Now he kind of wishes he would have. It feels like yet another thing that’s up in the air. It makes him wonder if Taylor is having all the same doubts. When he finally chances a look to the side, Taylor seems inscrutable. Confident. Unbothered by any of it. 

 

Soonyoung doesn’t usually believe in signs, yet they’re a little hard to ignore during that race. He doesn’t like the tires that his team starts with even though he knows he signed off. They’re not letting him drive the way he wants to. He doesn’t like the way the car feels like it’s a little too tight even though it’s only an adjustment he wanted. He doesn’t like the way the lights reflect during the night race even though he normally loves that this is a night race. He doesn’t like the way the Las Vegas Strip feels distracting tonight. More than anything, he doesn’t like hearing Jihoon in his ear confirming that everything looks like Soonyoung is out of sorts. Confirming it’s not in his head. He’s not racing as well as he could be. 

 

Two of the drivers have a minor collision and Soonyoung takes advantage of the red flag by changing his tires. It’s not something he would normally do, but he’s not having a normal race. Once everything is back underway, he feels a lot better. Doesn’t feel like his car is tight. He has to actively shut down any noise that’s distracting him, but he knows he’s running a lot better. Something Jihoon confirms over the radio. Of course, they both know better than to guess at what’s really going on. Through some aggressive maneuvers, he even finds himself in the lead. A position he definitely didn’t expect with the way the race started.

 

And then it happens. He knows Taylor Williams is hot on his heels. Realizes that his rival absolutely has every reason to want this win. Yet, he doesn’t anticipate the move because it’s not the way Taylor normally drives. Not the way he normally tries to take over the lead. It’s so unexpected that Soonyoung nearly clips him when Taylor gets the inside edge on the turn. It causes him to go higher than he wants and that’s all it takes. Taylor slips into first position and Soonyoung is left scrambling with what to do.

 

Could he retake the first spot? Possibly. Probably, even. He still feels like he’s the better driver. Still feels like he can move in a way that Taylor can’t always. Yet he hadn’t expected the last move. Who knows what else his rival might have up his sleeve? 

 

And that’s when it hits him. He’s going to finish second. On his favorite track in one of his favorite cities on the grid, he’s going to finish second this time. And it’s going to be okay. It’s not going to ruin his chances at anything. It’s not going to hurt his team. He’s driven well all year. Won more races than any other season. This race is just going to be a second and while there might be something he could do to change that, he’s not going to do it. 

 

In the aftermath of the race, everything feels like a blur. Taylor Williams celebrating. Jihoon looking at him like he knows what really happened. Soonyoung’s team consoling him over the bad luck on that one turn. Catching your face in the crowd of people. Endless questions from reporters who want to turn the race into something about you even though neither he nor Taylor let them. Just a sea of lights and people and suffocating pressure. 

 

But, then there’s the unexpected. Taylor actually looks at him and manages to convey that he wants to talk. It’s the last thing Soonyoung wants to do. Not because he lost. For once, he’s not really that bothered about losing. No, because he thinks he knows what Taylor is going to say and he’s not sure he can handle hearing it. 

 

The two men find a way to meet privately without any media following them. Both double check and then laugh when they catch themselves. It’s an awkward laugh, yet it’s still a laugh. The first time they’ve laughed together in years. 

 

“I…” Soonyoung starts.

 

“Nah, let me go first,” Taylor cuts across and Soonyoung snaps his mouth shut. “I’m glad it’s finally all out in the open.”

 

“What?” Soonyoung’s not sure he heard correctly. 

 

“Come on. You think I didn’t know? All this time?” Taylor asks and shakes his head. “Why do you think I hated you so much?” 

 

“Because I win a lot?” Soonyoung guesses and Taylor shakes his head. “Because of the rivalry between McLaren and Ferrari?”

 

“Because I knew she always went running to you and I could never really work out why,” he supplies and Soonyoung frowns. 

 

“I’m not sure…” Soonyoung starts and stops. “I think that’s an insult?”

 

“No, I mean, I could never figure out why she couldn’t just drop you. I got why you always answered for her,” Taylor says and Soonyoung snorts.

 

“That makes one of us,” Soonyoung admits.

 

“I assumed it was to mess with my head.”

 

“No, it wasn’t. If I wanted to mess with your head, I would’ve made it more obvious that I’d been with her. I figured you didn’t know.” 

 

“Huh. Well, that’s not what I was expecting.” 

 

“I’m not sure any of this is what either of us was expecting.”

 

Both of them are quiet for a moment. Trying to figure out what to say next. Taylor seems to get there first. “I know I fucked up with her. I know we’re awful together. I think part of me liked knowing she came back to me even though she had whatever going on with you.” 

 

“That’s kinda fucked,” Soonyoung admits with a shake of his head. “But, I guess I’m not one to talk.”

 

“Not really,” Taylor agrees. “I meant what I said in the statement, though. Her and I talked and we figured it’s best to call it quits for real this time.” 

 

“I feel like I’ve heard that before,” Soonyoung says.

 

“Not from me, you haven’t,” he disagrees. Which is fair to point out. “Do whatever you want with it, but at least we can go back to having the rivalry just be about driving.”

 

“I can agree to that,” Soonyoung says with a laugh.

 

The door opens and both of them tense for a moment before realizing it’s only you. There’s obvious concern on your face glancing between the two men. It’s got to be a little odd, though. Soonyoung knows he’s uncomfortable. 

 

“I think I’ll let you two chat,” Taylor says and steps around you towards the door. “I have a win to celebrate, after all.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, fuck off,” Soonyoung says without any real heat as he watches Taylor through the door. Then it’s just you and him. Once again.

 

“Sorry that you didn’t win,” you say. It’s tentative. A little stilted.

 

“I think it’s a miracle I came in second, actually,” he admits and you laugh. 

 

“Distracted?” 

 

“A bit, yeah.” 

 

“By me?”

 

“By all of it.” 

 

You chew your bottom lip and look down at the floor beneath you. Weigh your words before you say the next ones to see how they feel coming out. “I’m really sorry, Soon. You didn’t want complicated and I did everything that I could to test that.”

 

He lets out a sigh, tension leaving his body. “I think it’s pretty fair to say we’re both to blame in all of this.” 

 

“Yeah, probably,” you agree. “I think you were a fucking moron on your birthday for how you said all that…”

 

“And you weren’t exactly innocent going back to Taylor after Singapore.”

 

“No. I was scared.”

 

You look up at him and for once, he doesn’t think he feels the walls between you. “Are you still scared?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Me too.” 

 

You hesitate, just for a moment, then close the gap and step into Soonyoung’s body. Let his arms wrap around you like he can protect you from the world. Like you both haven’t hurt each other time and time again. 

 

“You realize how insane it sounds to say you’re scared of anything when you drive a car over 200 miles per hour, right?” you ask and he smiles. 

 

“This feels higher stakes,” he says. Honest. Open. Something different that might stick this time.

 

“So, what do we do now?” you ask. 

 

Soonyoung considers for a minute. Really, he’s been thinking about this since that stupid article hit and put both of your private lives on blast. Since before that, honestly. There’s really only one answer.

 

“Let me get through these last two races of the season and then we try to start over. For real,” he says and you give him an appraising look. “I mean it. No outside distractions. No being out in public for now. If we want to try to start over, then we have to figure out if we can build something without the drama.”

 

“I guess that’s fair,” you concede.

 

“Can you do it? Have a relationship without the fights and the bullshit and the headlines?” he asks and you wait a beat again.

 

“I like trying new things,” you shrug, yet there’s a playful smile on your face. “Let’s try.”

 

“Okay, let’s try.”

Notes:

i hope you liked it!