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Regulus couldn’t cook if his life depended on it. Growing up with cooks and traditional values, where he wasn’t just higher class, he was also raised to be a higher-class man. Men weren’t supposed to be the ones cooking. Men were supposed to work while the women did the cooking and the cleaning. This never made any sense to Regulus since his mother also never stepped into their kitchen, except for when she needed a drink, while their cooks were mostly male.
James loved cooking. Every time he was stressed, he went to the kitchens. Every time he was excited, he went to the kitchens. His mama didn’t teach him how to make the best food for nothing. He cooked warm and homey dishes, baked the most delicious sweets and whisked up the best snacks in what seemed to be a matter of minutes. His friends would often beg him to cook something. In college Sirius offered him all the money that he needed to “just open a fucking restaurant, Prongs. Who needs doctors anyways?”
When Regulus and James first started dating, they were still both in college pursuing very different careers, which required a lot of studying and working. Regardless of their busy schedules, they always found time for each other. On their very first date, James invited Regulus to his flat not far from campus to cook together. Needless to say, James did all the cooking while Regulus sat with him and watched him work. He has never eaten anything like that before. It was warm and rich and felt like coming home. After dinner, they sat by the window and drank hot chocolate James’ papa always makes. James swore that he would take Regulus home one day so he could try the real thing.
Years later now, they have been married for almost three years. James loves his job as a paediatrician while Regulus enjoys his position as a pathologist. Since they both work in the medical field and at the same hospital, although in different departments, they have similar schedules and many handy opportunities. Some of them include seeing each other from time to time in the hospital, fucking in the storage room on breaks or simply going to work together.
This, however, doesn’t mean coming home together. More often than not Regulus has to stay back longer to help out during difficult surgeries where his expertise is crucial or to finish certain research projects. On days like these, James always makes sure to have food ready for when Regulus comes home late. Another thing James does is prepare lunch for Regulus to take to the hospital with him. Regulus hates the canteen food there.
“It just doesn’t taste good, James. I don’t understand how you can eat that.”
So, each evening before going to bed, James preps for the next day so he can quickly make something delicious for his husband to take with him to work.
Each evening, and today shouldn’t have been any different.
Regulus has been in a mood for a few days now. He would come home later than usual. More tired. More on edge. More antsy.
James knew better than to prod him about it. He knew Regulus would come to him on his own, once he was ready. So, when he came out of the shower today in his loungewear and was met with a fuming Regulus, who had apparently come home moments ago, he hadn’t expected for his evening to turn out the way it would.
“What is this?” Regulus turned to him holding up a package James had picked up after work.
He gave his husband a puzzled look. “The package you ordered. I picked it up after work.” James explained, matter of factly. To that, Regulus seemed to get angrier.
“I told you I was going to pick it up myself,” he put the package down onto the kitchen counter with more force than necessary. “Why didn’t you tell me you picked it up?”
“You’ve been meaning to pick it up for the last three days and kept forgetting it. I thought I could do it for you.” James honestly didn’t understand the issue here.
“Well, you could’ve told me you did that,” Regulus sneered, “Because imagine how fucking stupid I looked walking up to that lady and demanding my things only to be told it had already been picked up?”
Regulus’ voice was rising and James knew they were in dangerous territory but he still didn’t seem to grasp the issue at hand.
“You’ve been avoiding going to the post office for almost a week. I assumed you would forget to go again today.” James wouldn’t let that go so easily. He won’t let Regulus just go and assume James did that to embarrass him. “I thought I would do you a favour but- “, Regulus interrupted him before James could finish his sentence.
“Can you stop assuming things James?” Regulus was angry. Very angry. “You always assume and think for me! How about actually talk to me?”, he practically yelled. “I have a phone you know?”
James wouldn’t have that. “I didn’t know when you were getting off, Regulus. For all I know you could still be working!”, James tried to keep his voice levelled.
Throwing his arms up, Regulus retorted sharply, “How about texting, Potter? I can read! Or did you assume I was incapable of that too?” His voice turned to venom so suddenly James was almost too distracted by it to notice how Regulus called him Potter instead of James. It stung a great deal because, even though they had fought before, James would always be reminded of the way a teen Regulus would look at him with so much hate in his cold gaze.
“You stole my brother, Potter,” He had said, and then “He left me alone. Because of you. You took him from me.”
James still struggled with these memories sometimes. With the feelings of guilt. The imagine of a boy too small for his age. Always too cold. His eyes so void of any light. James had been a child himself back then and so was Sirius, but he still felt like he was responsible for Regulus’ pain.
Years later both Regulus and Sirius had escaped. They had all talked about what happened and Regulus had apologised countlessly for what he said back then, but it still hurt.
When Sirius first introduced James and Regulus at eleven and twelve, they had clicked almost instantly. Regulus was smart, funny and always made jabs at Sirius under his breath that made James laugh. They got along very well until everything changed when Sirius left at sixteen. They could only find their way back to each other in college after Regulus escaped the grasp of his family as well.
Now, hearing Regulus use the surname they both shared in that venomous tone did something to James. He was hurt and he knew that if he stayed any longer, he would cause more pain to himself and to Regulus. Weighing out his options, he made a decision for the time being.
Taking a deep breath and looking away from Regulus he mumbled in a calm but detached tone, “I’m not having this conversation with you right now. I’m going for a run.”
With that, he turned around and made his way into their shared bedroom, changing into his running gear in record time. Coming out of the room, he saw Regulus, still cold, staring at him.
“You always make the decisions, don’t you? You always go whenever you don’t want confrontation. It’s pathetic.”
James knew Regulus. He knew how he got when he talked like this. It was a defence mechanism. Push others as hard and as far as you can so they can’t hurt you more than you already did. Still, hearing these words out of his love’s mouth always hurt more than hearing it from anybody else and James really only wanted to make Regulus’ life easier and he had to diagnose a child with something nasty today and he missed his friends and somehow, it all tipped over with this last sentence.
James stopped abruptly. Frozen in the moment. Shutting all his reasoning off for just a second. He turned to Regulus and looked directly at him. The words were flowing out before he could stop them.
“Are you happy now?” James said dangerously low. “You just needed to go and say that, right?” All his attention was now on Regulus, who, judging by his surprised face, didn’t expect James to respond like that.
“I work my ass off just as you do, Regulus. I take care of you and of other people. I cook for you. I make time for you,” something in the back of his mind was screaming at him to shut up and go running before he said something he would regret, but he ignored it.
“I wanted to make your life easier. I’m sorry I didn’t fucking text you. Is that what you want? Me apologising to you?” Shut up you’re making it worse. “I try so hard and all I get is you moaning and groaning and calling me pathetic? What are you doing Regulus?” Well, he looks like he’s about to cry. Is that what you wanted?
“Don’t just stand there, Reggie. Come on. Tell me how pathetic I am.” He could hear his own voice getting louder. That’s not what he was going for, and still, he couldn’t help it. “Tell me, Regulus!”
All Regulus could do was stare at him like a deer in the headlights. James was the calm one. The grounding one. Has always been but something about today just tipped him off. Something just didn’t feel right.
Regulus didn’t respond and not seeing how this could get any better, James nodded “That’s what I thought.” Before turning around and leaving Regulus standing in the middle of their living room. He closed the door louder than he should and made his way outside.
It had rained just an hour before Regulus got home so the air was still fresh and since it was late there weren’t many people outside. James knew from the moment he closed the door that the things he said were wrong. That he should’ve just ignored Regulus’ attempt at pushing him and follow through with his original plan of letting them both cool down. He should’ve, but he didn’t. He loved Regulus. He would let him win every argument if it meant making Regulus happy. He just couldn’t. Not today.
James actually felt pathetic. He should be able to control himself better. He was mature enough to let it go. It wasn’t that deep. It was just something in the way Regulus said it that’s made James see red. He sounded so detached. Like he didn’t care. Like he actually meant it.
James ran faster. He needed to make his brain shut up. Needed to make his thoughts go quieter. He just wanted to make the achy feeling in his chest go away.
After a few hours and a realisation that he really wanted to go home and talk it out, James found himself in front of his front door. He had been out longer than usual and for some reason he was scared to know what lies on the other side of this door. Had Regulus left? Where did he go? Was he with Sirius? With Barty? Did James take it too far? Taking a deep breath, he pushed the door open. Only one way to find out.
Coming inside he noticed that all of Regulus’ shoes were still there. Nothing was missing, so he was at home. He hasn’t left. A weight fell down from James’ chest. He could talk to Regulus. They could make it better. Now he just needed to go shower, again, and then he would find Regulus and talk to him.
The apartment was eerily quiet when he walked out of the bathroom. Maybe Regulus was asleep. Maybe he was outside on their balcony. It was still warm this late in August and the rain had been a nice refresher from the heat the past few days.
Nevertheless, James decided that they should talk over a cup of tea. Regulus was prone to fidgeting and they noticed that holding something has helped him calm down without ruining the skin around his nails.
He thought about the best tea to make when he stopped in front of their counter. He felt all colour drain from his face when he saw that right there, almost hidden from view by the towel disposer, stood the lunchbag James always used for Regulus’ lunchboxes. It looked way emptier and sadder than when James packed it and it was left somewhere, where James never left it, since it was easy to forget if you couldn’t see it properly.
An uncomfortable feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. Had Regulus hidden it so James wouldn’t pack him the food? Didn’t he want it? Was he so mad?
Forgetting about the tea, James pulled the bag out from its hiding place. Even though it looked empty, James could hear an unnecessary amount rustling. This made him stop and think. Had Regulus brought something home? James couldn’t remember packing anything this morning that would rustle as much as it did. First, he thought Regulus had just left the empty bag somewhere hidden, so James wouldn’t bother with cooking. Now, he couldn’t fathom what it was that his husband was hiding.
Putting the bag on the counter in front of him, he dragged the zipper from one side to the other, opened the lid and looked inside. The view with which he was greeted made his heart shatter and stomach drop.
James came from a household where food wasn’t just a way to sustain life but a sign of love. A way to connect with either of his parents’ cultures and hearts. He cooked because that was his way of showing he cared. Sometimes they would order takeout after a particularly hard day but they would eat it together on the couch and enjoy each other’s company. Food, no matter what kind, had always been a way to show appreciation, apologize, say something no words could ever describe, so looking down and seeing an almost empty bag of dried berries, old ramen noodles and a water bottle made James tear up.
He made Regulus think that cooking for him was a chore. That James wouldn’t do it anymore. And James hoped that this didn’t mean what he thought it meant. If James ever had the feeling that somebody didn’t want to cook for him anymore, he would think that this person stopped loving him. If he made Regulus feel unlovable, then he would actually go up in flames. He never meant to do that, to say those nasty things to the person he loved most.
Tea forgotten, he made his way to their bedroom in the hopes that he would find Regulus there. When he found the door open, he knew that he was wrong. They had another separate bedroom, but he had hoped it wouldn’t come to that. Making his way over slowly he knocked on the closed door that led to their guest bedroom, which they occasionally used to sleep separately in when they needed space or time alone.
When no answer came, James thought of turning around and leaving Regulus have his time, until he remembered how that turned out for them earlier this evening. He pushed the handle down slowly and entered the dimly lit room. The windows were closed and there, on the bed in the middle of the room, was Regulus. His hair a mess and he was still wearing his clothes from when he got home hours ago. He was laying on his side when James came in but quickly shot up when he realised he wasn't alone anymore. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy, indicating that he had been crying for a long time. His clothes were now rumpled and he looked paler than usual. His face was one of confusion and utter sadness. He looked like a lost and scared baby animal. James wanted to punch himself for having caused that.
“Regulus…”, his voice was soft and sounded sad. He wanted to say that he didn’t mean for this to happen. He didn’t want to cause the love of his life any harm. He had just been angry. That’s all. But nothing came out.
Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted by a heart wrenching little sob. His eyes snapped to Regulus immediately and the picture made him want to throw up already, but the words that followed made everything so much worse.
“I’m sorry, James, I’m-“ Another sob wrecked Regulus’ body before he continued. “I didn’t mean it. I thought- I thought you left.” He was trembling and he looked so small. “I’m sorry, please- please just don’t go. I didn’t mean it.” He finished before pulling his knees up to his chest and hiding his face from the rest of the world. Something broke inside James when heard the little gasps and sobs leave Regulus’ mouth. He couldn’t stand it any longer.
Not missing a beat, James made his way over to the other man and pulled him into his arms. Regulus only seemed to cry harder because of this. He leaned onto James and let all the seemingly pent up emotions flow. James could feel Regulus falling apart right there in his arms and it took everything in him to not just straight out sob himself.
He did this. He hurt his other half. His everything. His Regulus.
Gently, he shifted Regulus and himself to make it more comfortable. Leaning on the bed frame, he pulled Regulus onto him carefully until he was almost on top of James. They stayed like this for some time, with James lovingly stroking his husband’s back and mumbling comforting words into his ear.
After what seemed like so much time and no time at all, Regulus had calmed down almost completely. The only thing indicating him still being awake was the tight grip he had on James’ shirt, like he was afraid that if he let go James would disappear.
James’ hand found its way into the other one’s hair, gentle untangling the knots that had formed. Regulus seemed to enjoy it, if the little humming sound was anything to go by.
Gathering all his courage, James took a steadying breath and spoke quietly, “Did you eat, baby?”, earning him an almost amused huff.
“No, Jamie, I haven’t.” Regulus’ voice was scratchy and quiet, as if he was unsure of his words. James didn’t like that. Regulus always had the sharpest tongue, the quickest comebacks. He never stuttered. Always so sure and so thoroughly confident in what he was about to say. Where he came from, James knew, everything that left your mouth needed to be strategically analysed first. Otherwise, it could have drastic consequences. Ask Sirius, he will tell you all about it.
“How about we go to the kitchen and I make us something, hm?” James suggests. “Something light. I could make your favourite tomato soup.” He tried to keep his voice as soft and inviting as possible.
Regulus was quiet for some time and James was sure he wouldn’t get an answer anymore, until Regulus spoke, careful and broken.
“I really am sorry, James,” It wasn’t above a whisper. “I was just so- frustrated and tired. Mother called again and I just-“
James interrupted him before he could continue, “Your mother called?” He spit the word out like venom. “Reg, why didn’t you tell me?”
Looking down, he saw Regulus chewing on his bottom lip and averting his gaze. With a careful gesture, James took Regulus by the chin and pulled his lip from between Regulus’ teeth.
Sighing, Regulus spoke again, still not looking James in the eyes, “It wasn’t anything important. You know how she gets when she had too much too drink.”
Finally, Regulus looked up. “I don’t know why I said those things, Jamie,” His eyes were glistening with the leftover tears.
“I really am sorry.”
As if James could be mad at Regulus for any longer than he already had been.
“Oh, baby.”
He tugged Regulus against his chest again. Firmly trying to protect him from anything that would come his way. He couldn’t do anything against Walburga. She was still Regulus’ mother and she still called from time to time. James couldn’t stop that and he wouldn’t.
For all that the Blacks had done to their children, James would never forgive them. Seeing Sirius, bloody and disoriented at his doorstep. Seeing Regulus, thin and with heavy eyebags, would haunt James until the day he died. But despite everything that happened, James knew that Walburga had loved her kids. She was just another victim of the grand scheme that was the House of Black.
Everybody that had even the slightest connection to them knew what they did to the women of the family. He hated Walburga for not loving her children the right way, but how could he blame her? She had never been loved correctly herself. She was living alone now, James knew that. Disgraced, lonely and exiled from the rest of her family with only the servants and the phone to keep her company.
“I’m sorry for what I said too,” James continued to stroke Regulus’ back softly. “It was harsh and unnecessary. I didn’t want to hurt you, baby.”
He could feel Regulus shaking his head slightly. “No, I deserved it,” His voice sounded so tired. “I shouldn’t have pushed you. I just didn’t want you to go.” He finished before snuggling closer to James, if that was even possible.
With a small smile playing at his lips, James kissed the crown of the younger’s head. “Come on, you should eat. And then we can assemble your lunch for tomorrow together, yes?”
As if all tension was lifted from his shoulders, Regulus made a small happy sound and looked up one more time.
“I love you so much, Jamie.” He whispered, before connecting their lips in a loving kiss.
“I love you too, ángel.” He said after breaking away the slightest bit, before resuming the kiss again.
That evening, although a little different than the others, the lunch bag was filled again with love, warmth and the feeling of home.