Chapter Text
March 1997
Junhui meets Minghao when he feels very young. He's 19, sure, but he feels so young when he looks at Minghao. He feels so young in the U.S. when he's only known Shenzhen even if he's been here for nearly two years, and he feels so young when he hears Minghao play.
He's watching Minghao play, watching the intricate movements of his fingers on the guitar strings, and he's thinking about how his skin feels like it was pulled on just a little bit wrong.
Minghao looks up and smiles at him and that feeling settles the smallest amount.
"So?" Minghao asks.
"It's killer," Junhui says with his own smile. Settles. "Did you come up with that lick on your own?"
"Mhm," Minghao hums. "Just kind of came to me. Do you think you could lay piano over it?"
Junhui nods. "Yeah, definitely. Come to my room? Bring your guitar. My roommate's gone for break."
Both Minghao and Junhui don't go home for break. It's a little complicated to go back to China just for a week. At least they aren't alone.
Although, sometimes Junhui thinks it would be easier if he were more alone. Maybe he wouldn't feel this way when he looks at Minghao.
Minghao stays next to Junhui on the walk to his dorm room because Minghao knows it well at this point—they've been attached at the hip since Minghao started his freshman year in September. It's March now. Minghao knows it well.
When they're settled in Junhui's room, Minghao's shoes kicked off so he can lay on Junhui's bed, Minghao lolls his head to the side to look at Junhui while Junhui sets up his keyboard.
"We should start a band."
"We should?" Junhui asks. "With who?"
"There's another two guys in my music program that I think we could ask," Minghao says. "They're Korean, so they're like us. Displaced. They might get it."
"Yeah, I mean, I guess we could ask them," Junhui says with a shrug. "What do they play?"
"Jihoon's a drummer and Seokmin plays bass," Minghao says. "You're in?"
"No harm in asking."
Minghao grins. "You're the best. We're going to be a band, Junhui. A real band."
"You have so much faith in us," Junhui laughs.
"We're going to be huge, Junhui," Minghao teases. "Huge. You're never going to believe it."
Junhui laughs and shoves at Minghao's face, pushing him so he's not looking at Junhui anymore. He doesn't need to see the blush on Junhui's face. "Sure, sure. Whatever you say."
"Exactly," Minghao huffs. "Whatever I say."
If that's how Junhui plans to run his life—whatever Minghao says is the truth—then that's his business. He lays piano over Minghao's guitar lick and doesn't think too much about it.
Minghao introduces Junhui to Jihoon and Seokmin on a very rainy day. Junhui is soaked because he forgot his umbrella, he's cold because it's March, and he isn't really in the mood, but Minghao begged him to come today. He's never really said no to Minghao. He isn't going to start now.
The other three are sitting at a table when Junhui drags himself into the coffee shop. He runs a hand through his hair, tries to make himself presentable, before he throws himself down in the chair next to Minghao. Minghao smiles at him and fixes his hair for him and, well, Junhui tried. He did his best. Minghao is always there to save him anyway.
"Hello," one of the boys at the table with them says with a bright smile. His nose is so sharp. "I'm Seokmin."
"Junhui. It's really nice to meet you."
"Minghao has told us a lot about you," the other one says. "I'm Jihoon. Drummer."
"Pianist," Junhui says before he thinks about it. "Minghao probably told you that though. Sorry."
Jihoon laughs. "That's fine. Yeah, he told us. You write music too?"
"Mhm," Junhui hums.
"He's really good," Minghao says, leaning forward. "Like, way better than me."
"That's saying something," Seokmin laughs. "Minghao has shown us a bit of what you two have written together though. It's really good."
Junhui knows his cheeks are probably red. "Thanks. So you guys are interested? In the band?"
"Well, I hadn't told them that part yet," Minghao says nervously. Junhui shoots him a look and Minghao holds his hands up in surrender. "I was waiting for you to get here!"
"Band?" Jihoon asks.
"Junhui and I were thinking of putting one together," Minghao says with a small smile. "I thought of you two for it. You're both incredibly talented, but you get it too. You get what it's like to be here for school and for the first time."
Seokmin nods. "Yeah, I get it. Um, yeah, I'd be interested. I've never been in a band before."
"I was in one in high school," Jihoon says. "It was really fun. Yeah, I'd do it again."
"Wait, really?" Junhui asks.
"Yeah, really," Seokmin laughs. "Why are you so surprised?"
Junhui doesn't know how to explain that he just isn't used to getting things like this. He isn't used to getting things he loves. He doesn't say that.
"We're just excited," Minghao says with a grin. He sets his hand on Junhui's knee to lean forward again. Junhui isn't used to getting things he loves, but Minghao's hand is on his knee. "We're so excited."
"Good," Jihoon says. "I think this could be awesome."
"Yeah, definitely," Minghao says. "I'll figure out studio space for us? We can probably use the space in the practice hall. There's a drum kit."
"It isn't the best, but it'll do," Jihoon says with a shrug. "Sure. We can start there."
They can start there. Something about how Jihoon says it— It sounds important. It sounds bigger than Junhui can imagine.
Seokmin has to go before long and Jihoon follows him out, leaving Junhui and Minghao sitting next to each other, sipping on their coffee. Minghao was kind enough to get Junhui's. Junhui is warm with it, even as his coffee goes cold.
"So?" Minghao asks. "How are you feeling about it all?"
"Pretty solid," Junhui says after a moment. "I feel good about it. This could be something really cool."
"I'm glad we're doing it together," Minghao says quietly. "Wouldn't want to do it with anyone else."
Junhui smiles at Minghao and Minghao smiles back. "Yeah. Me neither. Finish your coffee and I'll walk you back to your dorm."
"My knight in shining armor," Minghao laughs. "You just want to use my umbrella."
"Yeah, totally," Junhui teases. "Can we share? Please, Xiao Hao?"
"We can share," Minghao says, knocking his shoulder with Junhui's. "I'll even walk you back to your dorm."
"Not going to let me steal your umbrella?"
"Not even a little bit."
Junhui laughs and Minghao drains the rest of his cup, so he pulls Minghao out of his seat and into the rain. He drops Minghao's hand as soon as the first droplet hits him.
Their first rehearsal is fun. It's a bit of a disaster, but it's fun. Junhui thinks that's all he could ask for, really.
They're all sitting on the floor during a break after Minghao has taught them all one of the songs that he and Junhui wrote, after Jihoon and Seokmin wrote their parts for it, and Minghao leans into Junhui so Junhui will hold him up.
"So, are we still feeling it?" Minghao asks.
Jihoon nods. "We're still feeling it, I think. I had fun. This is fun."
If all it ever is is fun, Junhui doesn't think that's bad at all.
"We kind of suck," Seokmin laughs. "We'll get there though."
"Want to keep going?" Minghao asks with a grin. "Try to get there?"
"Yeah, definitely," Junhui says, even if he's hesitant to get up when Minghao is leaning on him like this. He was right to be hesitant—as soon as Minghao gets up, Junhui goes cold again. It's April and the weather is spring-soaked warm. He's still cold.
They go back to their instruments and Junhui lets himself watch all of them, watch the way Seokmin leans into everything he does, the way Jihoon closes his eyes every now and then like he's soaking everything in, the way Minghao—
Is. The way Minghao is. It's all of him. He's everything.
Junhui looks away. He has keys to play.
Minghao's roommate is very often gone. It means that Junhui and Minghao spend extensive amounts of time studying or playing cards on Minghao's bed, because Junhui's roommate is constantly in their room and the libraries have too many people for Junhui's taste. Places typically have too many people for Junhui's taste.
If he likes to have Minghao to himself, that's a whole different beast. He and Minghao are rooming together next year. That problem will be solved soon.
"I win," Minghao says, a smug look on his face, and Junhui doesn't say that he always lets Minghao win. It makes Minghao happy and Junhui really isn't competitive, so everyone wins when Minghao does, because Junhui likes when Minghao smiles at him like this. "You've got to learn this game more, Junhui."
"One day," Junhui says dismissively. "We should probably get back to studying though. You have that paper due."
"Don't remind me," Minghao groans. "I know, you're right though. Let me get my notebook."
They end up on Minghao's bed, leaning against the wall, and Junhui tunes out everything but the book he's reading for class and the scratch of Minghao's pen against his notebook. The book isn't interesting, but it takes up his attention, which means he doesn't notice that Minghao has stopped writing until his head is on Junhui's shoulder and he's fast asleep.
Junhui muffles a laugh against his hand and tries not to shift too much. He just puts his attention back on his book and lets Minghao sleep.
Minghao doesn't wake up when his roommate comes into the room quietly, which means he doesn't see the nasty look that his roommate throws at them. Junhui wonders if it's the Chinese thing or the gay thing. Might be both. Probably both, but he should be desensitized to the Chinese thing by now. It's May, man. Come on.
It's mostly the gay thing, if Junhui had to bet. Junhui just rolls his eyes and doesn't wake Minghao up, because it's not worth the fuss. The roommate is just grabbing things anyway. He's out the door before any kind of confrontation happens. Junhui lets out a breath.
He lets Minghao sleep a little longer before they really should get dinner now that it's getting late. It's an indulgence, but he lets himself run a hand through Minghao's hair to wake him up. It's softer than Junhui even thought it would be. He runs his hand through it one more time before he calls Minghao's name.
Minghao wakes up slowly, groaning softly as he sits up. "Sorry I fell asleep on you."
"It's fine," Junhui says with a smile. "Let's get dinner before the cafeteria closes."
Dragging themselves out of bed and to the cafeteria proves to be a challenge, but they make it eventually. They sit at their normal table, tucked in a corner across from each other, and Junhui wonders. He wonders if they could ever have this, if they could have their own dinner table to sit at, if they could be safe and happy without fear of roommates coming in or someone walking by.
It's a pipe dream. Minghao doesn't want him like Junhui desperately wants Minghao. It's ravenous, the way it eats at Junhui. Minghao doesn't want Junhui. Junhui feels Minghao in the pit of his stomach, making up the matter of him, but Minghao doesn't want Junhui.
"Junhui?" Minghao asks, jolting Junhui back into the present. Junhui blinks. "I asked what you have this weekend. We could go to the arcade. I've been collecting quarters all semester."
"And you didn't tell me?" Junhui asks with a laugh.
"I wanted it to be a surprise!" Minghao yelps. "I wanted to take you."
"You're sweet," Junhui says. His smile almost hurts. "Yeah, we have that end of classes party on Saturday, but we could go on Sunday."
"Who cares about studying for finals anyway?" Minghao asks. "Let's do it. Now eat your dinner. You've been so distracted."
Pardon Junhui for being hopelessly in love and distraught about it. He eats his dinner.
On Saturday, Minghao and Junhui walk to the house off-campus together, because has Junhui mentioned that they go everywhere together? It's kind of existentially upsetting. He wouldn't change it for the world.
All of that is to say that they walk into the party together and go to the kitchen to get a drink together. They don't break apart until Minghao sees his friend, Mingyu, and he leaves Junhui's side to go say hello.
"You look lonely," Seokmin laughs when he finds Junhui in a corner.
"Minghao's over there," Junhui says, gesturing with his cup. Minghao mixed some kind of rancid vodka soda situation. He's drinking it anyway. "I'm just waiting for him to come back."
"Well, now I'm here," Seokmin says. "Hey, have you thought about what we're going to do over the summer?"
"I think we just keep practicing what we know," Junhui says with a shrug. "Not exactly easy to collaborate when we're all going back home."
Seokmin sighs. "I guess we'll just have to be back and better than ever in the fall. I think we're good though. Honestly, I think we're getting really good."
They are. They may not have a band name yet, but they're getting really good. It makes Junhui smile to think about.
He smiles now too. "Yeah, I think so. Maybe try to come up with a band name over the summer."
Seokmin laughs again. "I'll give it some thought."
"What are we thinking about?" Minghao asks as he comes up to them. "Junhui, you didn't tell me that this tastes awful, by the way."
Junhui snorts. "Sorry. It really is awful though."
"It is," Minghao sighs. "I think Mingyu's trying to put together truth or dare since the party is pretty small. You guys in?"
No, that isn't really Junhui's thing, but Minghao looks excited and Junhui knows it's him supporting Mingyu's crazy ideas again.
"Sure," Junhui says. "Seokmin?"
Seokmin nods. "Why not?"
Junhui finds out why they shouldn't have done this pretty quickly. Everyone's sitting on the floor and taking dares and they're getting a little more wild and gross as time goes on: weird drinks, ice in pants, that kind of thing. Junhui isn't excited for his or Minghao's turns.
"Minghao!" Mingyu yells after his turn. "Truth or dare?"
"Dare!"
"I dare you to…" Mingyu stops to think before he turns on one of the boys Junhui vaguely knows. "Kiss Joshua."
Junhui's heart stops. Minghao giggles nervously.
"You gotta do it, Minghao," Mingyu laughs. "You chose dare."
"Come here, Minghao," Joshua teases. It's clearly a joke for him, but Minghao—
Well, Minghao is looking at Junhui. He's looking at Junhui like he's looking for something from him, something that Junhui doesn't know how to give. Minghao finally nods and looks away, crawling to the center of the circle.
The kiss is quick in the end. There are all of these whoops and cheers before Minghao pecks Joshua on the mouth and then everyone's laughing, because isn't it funny that two boys would kiss? Isn't it funny that Minghao would kiss a boy?
Junhui kind of wants to be sick.
Minghao sits back down next to him and gives Jeonghan a dare before Junhui leans in to speak in his ear.
"I think I'm ready to go home," Junhui whispers.
"Oh, alright," Minghao says quickly. "We'll go."
"You can—"
"I'll walk you back to your dorm," Minghao says with a small smile. He stands up and helps Junhui up before he says goodbye for both of them, waving at everyone before he follows Junhui out of the house.
"Sorry," Junhui says on the walk back to his dorm. "Just wasn't feeling well."
"It's okay," Minghao says softly. "I was done anyway. Do you want me to stay with you for a little bit? If you feel badly?"
Junhui shakes his head. He kind of needs to knock himself out so he doesn't think about Minghao kissing Joshua anymore. "It's alright, Xiao Hao. I'll be fine."
Minghao nods and they're quiet until they get back to Junhui's dorm.
"Goodnight, Junhui," Minghao nearly whispers. "I'll see you tomorrow? For the arcade?"
Junhui smiles. "Yeah, of course. I'll meet you at your dorm at 2. Goodnight."
Minghao watches Junhui go. His eyes burn on Junhui's back.
Junhui thinks he won't ever get tired of watching Minghao laugh. It's a whole thing when he does it—he laughs with so much of himself. It brightens him. Junhui loves watching him laugh.
Right now, Minghao is laughing at Junhui's misfortune, and that isn't even dimming how much Junhui is enjoying this. Junhui just can't win at any of these games. He's even trying when he isn't playing against Minghao. Still can't win.
"Minghao, please," Junhui begs. "Mercy."
"I can't help you," Minghao laughs. "This is really the last time we'll see each other before the summer and I'm just watching you lose miserably."
"Hey!"
Junhui doesn't like the reminder that he isn't going to see Minghao after this—they have a few days of finals and Junhui's flight back to China leaves on Friday. He won't see Minghao until September. It's kind of causing Junhui physical pain to think about.
Minghao laughs. "I'm having fun, don't worry. This is worth a semester's savings of quarters."
"I'll take it," Junhui laughs. "Come do the photobooth with me before they close."
"The photobooth?" Minghao asks with a smile, teasing. "Yeah, sure. Let's do it."
They crowd into the photobooth and pull the curtain closed, hiding them from the view of anyone else, and Junhui puts cash in before Minghao can move to. They have four opportunities to memorialize their friendship, to get something that Junhui can gaze longingly at over the summer. They've got to do this right.
The first one is classic, just the two of them smiling. The second one captures Minghao looking at Junhui and squishing his cheeks.
The third one though. The third one gets them looking at each other, both of their smiles dropped.
The shutter goes off for the fourth picture as Minghao presses his lips to Junhui's, as Junhui leans forward into the kiss, as Minghao's hand slides into Junhui's hair. It's the best kiss Junhui has ever had, but Minghao pulls away when they hear the photo strip printing.
"We should grab that," Minghao whispers, staring at Junhui.
Junhui doesn't know what to say to that, so he nods, and he's stunned still when Minghao leans forward and brushes his lips on the corner of Junhui's mouth before he gets out of the photobooth without another word.
The photobooth spits out two photo strips and they both take one, tucking them into their wallets without looking. Junhui will look later. It's fine.
There's an announcement over the loudspeaker that the arcade is closing and they have to go. Junhui nods at the exit and Minghao follows him out without a word. They don't speak on the way back to Minghao's dorm, not until they're lingering outside.
"I guess I won't see you until September," Minghao says softly, because he likes to hole up during finals. Junhui respected that last semester, but this semester, it's about to drive him insane.
"I guess," Junhui says, just as soft. "I'll miss you this summer."
Minghao rewards him with a small smile. "I'll miss you too. We'll be roommates soon though. You won't even have time away from me enough to miss me then."
"I think that's great," Junhui laughs quietly. "I'll see you in September, Xiao Hao."
"See you in September," Minghao says, that small smile still on his face. "Bye, Junhui."
Junhui wants to kiss him. He doesn't. He just waves like an idiot while Minghao goes inside.
He looks at the photo strip when he gets back to his dorm, looks at the perfect capture of Minghao kissing him in the fourth photo, and tucks it back into his wallet.
On the flight home, Junhui wonders. He wonders if Minghao meant it, if he just got caught up in the heat of how they were looking at each other, if he wants to eat Junhui whole like Junhui wants to with him. He wonders.
He feels for the photo strip in his wallet. He won't take it out here, not with this old Chinese woman sitting next to him, but he needs to make sure it's real. Sleek paper on his fingers, and he sits back in his seat.
The clouds beneath them, the ocean beneath them, and Junhui's existential crisis up in the air. The boy that he's in love with kissed him and then didn't mention it again. Much to freak out about.
There isn't anything to be done until September. He can only feel the ghost of Minghao's lips on his until then. The old woman next to him side eyes him when he sighs heavily.
"Junhui, have you found a girlfriend yet?" his mother asks him two days into being home. She waited longer than he expected her to.
Junhui isn't about to tell his parents and his little brother that he's gay and obsessively into his future roommate. That would be insane.
"No, Mama," he says instead. "No girlfriend."
"Good," his mother says with a small smile. "We want you to come home after college and an American girlfriend wouldn't let you."
Have they considered a Chinese boyfriend who wouldn't let him? Would that make things better or worse?
"Fair point," he says warily. "I'll keep that in mind."
"Did you do anything fun last year?" his step-father asks.
"I joined a band, actually," he says with a small smile. "You know my friend, Minghao? He and I started it together."
"You're finally cool!" Junhui's little brother says. Brat.
Junhui shoves his hand in his brother's face. "Leave me alone."
His mother laughs. "Boys. Tell us more about your band, Junhui."
This is what he loves about his family: they're always supportive of whatever he's gotten himself into, whether it's school in America or playing music or childhood acting. He knows, deep down, that they would probably be supportive if they knew he was gay. That's just how they are. He just plans to not tell them until he has to.
They talk about the band and how they still don't have a name, about Minghao and Seokmin and Jihoon, about how his studies are still coming first, and Junhui lets himself forget, for a moment, what a disaster his personal life is. He's home with his family that he loves and things are good. Things are fine. He isn't going to speak to Minghao until September, but that's alright. Things are fine.
Right?
September finds Junhui on a plane again. Clouds beneath them, ocean beneath them, and Junhui's existential fucking crisis. He's going to see Minghao in T-12 hours and he isn't ready. He isn't ready, but he's also so excited that he thinks he might throw up. His metaphorical tail is wagging. It's a big day to be Junhui.
See, nearly four months really didn't change his feelings for Minghao. He still wants him so badly, it feels like a cavern in his chest. A cavern, vast and limitless, much like how he loves Minghao. Endless.
The photo strip in his wallet isn't worn yet—he's been careful with it—and he lets himself feel for it again. There, underneath his fingers, the sleek image of Minghao kissing Junhui. A comfort. A reminder. There's white hot fear running through Junhui, but he lets out a breath anyway.
Junhui drags his bag behind him on the way to the dorm room that he and Minghao are sharing. He knows that juniors don't typically live on campus anymore, but students are required to live on campus when they're sophomores, so he's making an accommodation for Minghao. It's fine. It's hardly the biggest thing he'd give up for Minghao. They can get an apartment next year.
So he drags his bag to the dorm room. He lets himself in with his key and his heart skips a beat, then another, when Minghao turns around.
"Junhui," he says softly, his voice floating over the syllables.
"Hi, Minghao," Junhui says. He can feel the stupid smile growing on his face, but he can't quite help it. "Hi."
"Hi," Minghao says, and now his smile is stupid. "I missed you."
Junhui lets himself do it. He lets himself kick the door closed and bring Minghao into a tight hug. "I missed you too. So much, actually."
Minghao fits perfectly in Junhui's arms and it's almost infuriating, that he was gone from them for so long. He's back now though. He tucks his face in Junhui's neck and he's back.
"I chose a bed," Minghao murmurs. "We can switch though."
"I really don't care," Junhui laughs. "Whatever you want."
It's always, always, whatever Minghao wants, because it makes Minghao pull back and smile at him and that's worth any price Junhui might have to pay.
"Lovely," Minghao says. "Come on, I'll help you unpack. I've been here for a few hours."
Minghao is fully unpacked, which means they can make quick work of settling Junhui in before they have to go out to get sheets and pillows. The pains of being international students: they can't even flop into bed after all of that.
They're wandering through the aisles when Minghao turns to Junhui. "Thank you for staying in the dorms with me, by the way."
"Of course," Junhui says with a smile. "We can get an apartment next year."
"Yeah, perfect," Minghao says, his smile mirroring Junhui's. "Now, stripes or solid colors?"
Here's what Junhui notices very quickly: they aren't going to talk about it. They get ready for bed in tandem and they're back in their room, so Junhui thinks it might be the time, but Minghao just wishes him goodnight and asks if he can turn the light off.
"Oh, yeah, sure," Junhui says. He doesn't know how he feels about not talking about it. He doesn't know how he feels about a lot of things, but he does know that it twists his stomach up. "Goodnight, Minghao."
It takes a long time for Junhui to fall asleep, Minghao's soft breaths across the room from him.
Minghao books weekly rehearsal for the band and demands that they name it. He can be very bossy, so they all sit down to brainstorm. After a bit of back and forth, there's finally a breakthrough.
"I actually had an idea over the summer," Jihoon says. "One word. Obligation."
They all seem to think it over and Minghao makes eye contact with Junhui. His eyes are so bright. He loves it.
"Yeah," Minghao says. "I like it a lot."
"Me too," Seokmin says with a grin. "Makes us sound mysterious and sexy. Obligation."
"I was going for the meaning of it," Jihoon laughs. "But alright. I'll take that."
Junhui smiles. "I think we finally have it then. Mysterious and sexy and meaningful. I love it."
Junhui doesn't know it now, but one day, September 14th, 1997 is going to mean a lot to a lot of people. It's the day Obligation officially forms. There's no going back now.
For now, he's just grateful that it seems like they all practiced over the summer. No one's even a bit rusty. They make it through the first song and they all look thrilled by it, because it's real now. They have a name, they're all clearly committed, and this could be big. This could be everything.
He looks up at his band, looks up at Minghao, watches him play, and this is everything.
The downside of living together, Junhui comes to find out, is they don't often end up sitting on the same bed next to each other anymore. They both sit on their own beds when they study. Junhui is closer to Minghao than he's ever been, and he's further from Minghao than ever.
That's probably dramatic. Junhui just means that he'd like for Minghao to fall asleep on his shoulder again. That's all.
They're playing cards for the first time this semester though, meaning they're both on Minghao's bed because the floor is wildly uncomfortable. It's Junhui's first time on Minghao's bed. Big stuff happening to him.
Junhui lets Minghao win like he always does and, as Minghao smiles at him like he always does, he wonders how he's supposed to drag himself away now.
So he doesn't. He just grabs his book that he's working through from his nightstand and throws himself back on Minghao's bed while Minghao is cleaning up the cards.
"Hello," Minghao laughs. "Making yourself comfortable?"
"So comfortable," Junhui teases. "Your bed is just better, I'm finding out."
"Sure, sure," Minghao says, rolling his eyes. He gets his own book and settles in next to Junhui, both of them leaning against the wall.
It takes a little bit for it to happen, for both of them to relax, but then. Then.
Minghao leans his head on Junhui's shoulder, fully awake. "Is this okay?"
"Yeah," Junhui breathes out, barely a whisper. "This is okay."
Minghao nods and settles in more, reading over Junhui's shoulder and asking little questions about the book as they go. It's quiet, not louder than the sound of their breathing, but Junhui whispers his answers back, because he'd rather die than break the air in the room.
They're close to bedtime, close to going to sleep for the night, but they both stay up longer than they normally do to drag this out, to drag out Minghao's soft huffs of breath on Junhui's skin, Minghao's soft voice lulling Junhui into some kind of haze. Junhui is just enjoying how close they are. He'd like to crawl into Minghao's skin, live in his ribcage, but this is closer than he's been in months. He'll take it.
Eventually, Minghao's breathing evens out and he really has fallen asleep. Junhui wakes him up reluctantly, just to make sure he's gotten ready for bed.
"Minghao," Junhui calls softly. He runs a hand through Minghao's hair, carding through the silky strands. "You have to get ready for bed."
Minghao groans as he sits up. "You're right. You're so comfortable though."
"You'll be alright," Junhui laughs softly. "You're always welcome on my shoulder though."
"Good to know," Minghao says with a smile. "Come on, let's go brush our teeth."
When they have an arsenal of eight songs, they start looking into small, shitty venues they could play. It takes a month or so, but come mid-October, they're playing a dive bar.
They invite all of their friends and, once Minghao convinces them, they invite everyone who isn't their friend too. It's kind of a big deal.
It's an even bigger deal when they get set up for the show and, beyond the three people who just happen to be in the bar, ten of their friends show up. Ten! Junhui doesn't even have ten friends by himself. Minghao has ten friends, so Junhui guesses he tangentially has ten friends, but still.
Ten whole people here to see them play. Junhui might vomit.
"Oh my God," Seokmin mutters to Junhui. "We're actually about to play in front of people. We've never done that before. We should have had rehearsal sessions or something."
"Probably," Junhui says tightly. "We're here now anyway. I blame Minghao."
"I'm constantly blaming Minghao for things."
"Same."
Blaming Minghao doesn't get him very far this time—he's still behind the keyboard, ready and poised to play their first song. Kind of. He's kind of ready and poised, but he has no other option right now. Minghao leans into the shitty mic they rented from the school and there's no going back now.
It's a pretty good set, all things considered. They don't fuck it up and they sound alright even with the horrible acoustics of this bar. Their friends get really into it too, laughing and even dancing, so Junhui thinks it can't all be that bad.
Besides, he got to see Minghao perform for real. He got to see Minghao undeniably in his element. He got to see Minghao smiling and laughing and working the crowd as he played and God, what a sight. Nothing quite like it. Junhui can't stop smiling.
"Hey," Minghao says after the show, coming up behind Junhui. Junhui turns around to face him and his breath catches in his chest, because Minghao is sweaty and bright-eyed and he's beautiful. He's so beautiful. "How do you feel?"
Knocked over, shaken loose, like he got hit over the head with how pretty Minghao is like this and how badly Junhui wants him.
"Good," he says instead of all of that. Seems like a lot. "I feel really good."
"Feel like you want to do it all again next weekend?" Minghao asks.
"If you can book us somewhere, sure, but good luck," Junhui laughs. "We're not exactly known."
"We're going to get there," Minghao says wistfully. "We're going to be known."
Junhui smiles and pats Minghao's shoulder. "Sure, Xiao Hao. Sure."
So they start playing places once every other weekend. They rehearse, Minghao and Junhui write together, and they play places that Junhui hasn't even heard of. There's a place called Wonderland that's a hollowed out townhouse. It's kind of wild. The acoustics are crazy in there.
Minghao and Junhui are coming back from a show, sweaty and giggling in the November air, on a Friday night of all times, when Junhui remembers.
"You asshole," he says as Minghao lets them into their dorm room. "You totally overshadowed your own birthday! You did it on purpose!"
Minghao groans. "You know I hate my birthday."
"But I love your birthday," Junhui sighs. He pulls Minghao into a hug once the door is closed. "I love your birthday so much because you were born on this day 19 years ago and that's awesome. That's amazing, actually."
"You're sweaty." Minghao buries his face in Junhui's neck anyway. Junhui grins. "And sentimental for no reason."
"For no reason?" Junhui asks dramatically. "You're my best friend in the whole world. Of course I would be sentimental about your birthday."
"That's really unnecessary."
"You're unnecessary."
Minghao laughs and his breath brushes Junhui's neck. Junhui shivers and he can't quite suppress it.
Minghao pulls away just far enough to look at Junhui, to really look at him, and Junhui almost withers under the way Minghao is staring at him.
"Junhui…"
Kissing Minghao isn't like Junhui remembers. It isn't soft and sweet. It's hungry, all-encompassing. It's a fire in Junhui's stomach and his need vibrating in his fingertips. It's Minghao, Minghao, Minghao, all over him.
Minghao licks into Junhui's mouth, running his tongue along Junhui's lower lip, and Junhui sighs into the kiss. He grips Minghao by the hips, holding tightly, and Minghao's fingers are playing in Junhui's hair. It's perfect. It's everything that Junhui has waited months, a year for.
He hums into the kiss when Minghao slows it down, when it goes honey sweet and tender. This is what Junhui remembered. This is what has kept Junhui up at night, listening to Minghao breathe.
Junhui slides his hands to Minghao's waist, slips them under his shirt, but it's just to touch. He isn't pushing it, Minghao isn't pushing it, and when Minghao pulls back just enough to press their foreheads together, Junhui strokes his fingers on Minghao's skin.
"Happy birthday, Xiao Hao," Junhui whispers.
"A very happy birthday," Minghao laughs softly. He kisses Junhui again, just a barely-there brush of his lips on Junhui's. "We should shower. We're both disgusting and we can't lay down yet."
Junhui huffs out a laugh. "Yeah, you're right. Communal shower time."
Minghao grins and untangles himself from Junhui. Junhui misses him immediately, but they're not going far. Junhui trails behind Minghao to the bathroom across the hall and they're quick about how they shower, how they shuffle back into their room, and Junhui realizes with a sudden twist in his gut that he's still nervous. He doesn't know if he gets to kiss Minghao again tonight, or ever.
Whoever is watching over Junhui is laughing in his face.
Minghao walks by and squeezes Junhui's hand on his way to get into bed, but he doesn't kiss Junhui again. Oh. Huh.
"Goodnight, Junhui," Minghao says softly.
"Goodnight," Junhui whispers. He shuts the light off and he doesn't fall asleep for a long time, long after Minghao's breathing has evened out.
Junhui doesn't really know what's going on. He's lost at sea. He's playing the piano, really, but he feels lost at sea.
It's been four days since Minghao's birthday, four days since he and Junhui kissed, and neither of them have brought it up or done it again. They haven't even gotten close enough to try, though Junhui doesn't think they're avoiding each other. No, not at all. They're still glued together at the hip. It just hasn't happened.
He desperately needs to know if it's going to happen again. He needs.
He feels it behind his teeth, buzzing behind his eyes. It runs down his spine when Minghao looks at him and God, Minghao is looking at him all the time, isn't he? Junhui is looking back. Junhui is always looking back.
Minghao turns to look at him when they walk into their dorm room after their showers for the night and Junhui is looking back.
"You alright?" Minghao asks softly.
Junhui checks that the door is closed before he speaks. "No."
"Oh?" Minghao asks. "What's wrong?"
"I feel like I need to kiss you," Junhui says without thinking. Minghao's eyes go wide. "I mean— No, that's what I mean. I mean that I want to kiss you. I just don't know if I can."
Minghao, of all things, laughs. Junhui never fucking gets tired of it, even if it's confusing the hell out of him right now.
"You can kiss me," Minghao says with a small smile on his face. "That's allowed."
Junhui hesitates. "But do you want me to?"
"Yeah," Minghao giggles. "Yeah, I do."
That's enough for Junhui to move, to step forward and pull Minghao close by the waist, to kiss Minghao so gently it's almost difficult to maintain. All Junhui wants is to press forward, eat, take, devour, but he just barely holds himself back. Minghao seems to like it soft.
He seems to like it. He tangles a hand in Junhui's hair, the other going to his shoulder, and he holds Junhui close, scratching at the nape of his neck. Blunt nails and calloused fingertips, skating over Junhui's skin and lightly tugging Junhui's hair. Hitched breath. A smile.
Junhui thinks he'd be happy to stand in the middle of their dorm room forever if it meant kissing Minghao, but Minghao pulls him back toward his bed and oh, that's an option. That's an option that Junhui will be taking, thank you very much. Minghao ends up on his back underneath Junhui, smiling up at him, and Junhui thanks his lucky fucking stars.
He doesn't tell Minghao how pretty he is, as much as he wants to. That feels too heavy for the tentative thing burning between them right now. Junhui kisses Minghao instead, runs his tongue along Minghao's bottom lip like a question, licks into Minghao's mouth when Minghao's jaw drops open. This, he can do.
Minghao's hands under his shirt, Minghao's hair between his fingers, and Minghao's mouth on his. Junhui could die happy right now, tucked in safe here.
They kiss until Minghao has to pull away to yawn, until Junhui laughs and strokes his fingers on Minghao's cheek.
"Need to go to bed?" Junhui asks with a laugh.
"Yeah," Minghao groans. "I'm exhausted. I really just wanted to kiss you though."
"You can kiss me in the morning," Junhui teases. It's kind of a long shot. He's thrilled when Minghao nods. "Nice."
"You're a dork," Minghao laughs. "Go to your own bed. We're not sharing a twin bed."
"You hate me."
"Only a little and only on Tuesdays."
"It's Tuesday!"
Minghao's eyes are so bright when he laughs. "Mhm. Better get out of my bed then."
Junhui nuzzles their noses together before he kisses Minghao quickly, then drags himself off of Minghao. "Fine, fine. Only because it's Tuesday."
Minghao watches Junhui go turn off the light and Junhui can still feel eyes on him when he settles into bed. It warms him through.
"Goodnight, Minghao," Junhui says softly. "Sleep well."
"You too," Minghao whispers. "Goodnight, Junhui."
Junhui doesn't fall asleep at first. He brings his hand to his lips, kiss-swollen and soft, and tries to slow down the quick beat of his heart. It doesn't work for a long time.
Morning: sun streaming in through the windows, the soft noise of campus outside, and Minghao brushing his lips on a half-awake Junhui's forehead as he leaves the room for class.
That last part is new. The door clicks shut behind Minghao and Junhui stares at the ceiling.
If Junhui is being honest, he would have thought he dreamed kissing Minghao if not for this morning. He half-convinced himself that he dreamed the other times up, so it was going to be that all over again. Until.
Minghao is soft and squishy in the mornings, when he hasn't woken up fully yet, and Junhui knows that's driving the forehead kiss, but he kind of doesn't care what caused it. He just cares that it happened, that Minghao kissed him like that, sweet as honey and like it didn't take anything from him at all. Junhui knows it probably did. It means more to Junhui that way.
It all means. Junhui smiles.
It's Wednesday, which means Junhui is meeting Minghao for lunch at the cafeteria, which means Junhui does have to drag himself out of bed eventually. He knows they won't do anything while they're out of their room, so he evens his breathing out on his way to meet Minghao.
Minghao looks up and smiles when Junhui gets to their table. "Hey. Good morning."
"It's noon," Junhui laughs. "But good morning to you too."
"How's your morning been?" Minghao asks, and it's easy from there. Junhui talks about laying in bed, doesn't mention that he was daydreaming about Minghao, and Minghao talks about being in class. They move on to talking about rehearsal, about the show they're doing next week, when Minghao leans forward excitedly.
"I forgot to tell you," Minghao rushes out. "There's a winter showcase coming up next month."
"A what?"
"Like, a bunch of bands are getting together to throw together this showcase thing and I signed us up," Minghao says. "That's more exposure than we're used to."
A little terrifying, but Junhui knows Minghao already knows that. "That's crazy. You know what this means, right?"
"Hm?" Minghao hums.
"We need to start recording," Junhui says with a smile. "Putting stuff out there. Think we can use the school's space?"
"Probably," Minghao says. "I'll ask Jihoon what he thinks. You really think it's time?"
"We should have CDs to pass out at the show if people are interested," Junhui says. "I know it's a quick turnaround time, but we're ready."
Minghao nods, a smile growing on his face. "You're totally right. I'll talk to Jihoon. We have enough songs for a CD for sure."
"Big things, Xiao Hao," Junhui says. "We're getting serious."
Serious in more ways than one, but that isn't what they're talking about right now. Not at all. This is bigger than them, even if Minghao feels like the most important thing in the world. He is, but Obligation is bigger to everyone else.
"We really are," Minghao says. "This could really be something. I just have this feeling."
"I trust that as much as anything else," Junhui laughs. "Now finish your lunch so we can go find Jihoon and Seokmin and tell them."
"Yes, sir," Minghao giggles. Junhui shoves his hand in Minghao's face just to make him laugh harder.
They don't manage to hunt down Seokmin and Jihoon on campus, but they have rehearsals on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays, so they'll tell them about the showcase and recording tomorrow. It means they filter back to their dorm room for the afternoon until Junhui's night class.
It means as soon as they get into their room and close the door, Junhui catches Minghao by the waist. Minghao smiles and leans in to press the gentlest kiss to Junhui's lips, wrapping his arms around Junhui's shoulders.
"Hey," Minghao whispers.
"Hi," Junhui whispers back. "How's it going?"
"Better now," Minghao laughs. He kisses Junhui again and Junhui backs Minghao up to his bed—because Minghao has the nicer comforter—with his hands on Minghao's hips. Minghao whines against Junhui's mouth in protest. "Outside clothes on my bed?"
"I'll come with you to wash your sheets later," Junhui laughs. "Good?"
"Good," Minghao says after a moment before he pulls Junhui back until he's on top of Minghao. Junhui quite likes him here, likes him looking at Junhui with starry eyes and squirming. Junhui leans down to kiss him again, reaching a hand up to pull Minghao's jaw open to lick into his mouth.
That's the extent of what Junhui knows how to do. He knows it is for Minghao too—they're both virgins. Junhui has never thought much about it until this moment, because he wants. He wants Minghao so badly and he doesn't know what the fuck to do about that.
Well, he knows in theory. That's much different than knowing in practice.
He tries to get out of his head about it, but Minghao notices, because Minghao notices everything about Junhui.
"Junhui," Minghao says softly. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," Junhui sighs. He presses a kiss to Minghao's nose. "I'm just clueless."
Minghao giggles. "That's alright. We'll figure it out. Just kiss me for now, please?"
That's enough for Junhui to lean back down and kiss Minghao, because he just doesn't tell Minghao "no" on principle. Minghao's tongue is back in Junhui's mouth and Minghao's hands are wandering up and down Junhui's side. Junhui doesn't know how long they make out like that, just tied up together, before Junhui shifts and—
Oh. Minghao is hard, his dick brushing against Junhui's through Junhui's jeans and Minghao's stupid green corduroy pants. Minghao sucks in a harsh breath.
Junhui does it again, tentative and testing. Minghao's eyes flutter shut and he tightens his grip on Junhui's waist. Again, and Minghao lets out the softest moan.
Minghao's hands drop to Junhui's ass, repositioning him so he can grind down onto Minghao's thigh, his own thigh in between Minghao's legs and brushing up against his cock again. This is by far the furthest Junhui has ever gone with someone and they're still fully clothed. He's a little obsessed with it. He's a little obsessed with Minghao, if he's being honest.
"Again, Junhui," Minghao whispers. "You can do it."
He can do it. He grinds down onto Minghao's thigh, catching Minghao's moan in his mouth to quiet him. He makes sure his thigh is pressed firmly down when Minghao's hips jump up like he can't help it, his head dropping back.
Junhui kisses down Minghao's neck, nipping gently at the soft skin at the base of his throat, and they're both moving a little desperately, rocking their hips together. Junhui thinks he's going to come like this, rutting against Minghao's thigh in their dorm room, with Minghao's mouth on his and Minghao's hands on him. He moans into the kiss and Minghao's grip tightens.
"Come on, sweetheart," Minghao says softly, his voice syrupy sweet when he says it, and Junhui comes with a gasp. Minghao called him "sweetheart." Minghao called him "sweetheart" and he hasn't come yet, so Junhui drifts his hand down to palm at Minghao's cock through his pants, pressing his hand down. Minghao whines quietly when he comes with a little coaxing.
They both have cum in their pants, but they're kissing and giggling and Junhui feels lighter than air even though he really needs to take a shower.
"I meant to study," Minghao laughs, pressing it to Junhui's mouth.
"You mean you didn't plan to have sex with me on a Wednesday afternoon?" Junhui asks, teasing.
"Didn't plan on it," Minghao says with a smile. "But I'm happy with it. I need to shower though."
"I definitely need to shower before my night class, so come on," Junhui laughs. "I'll sit in the laundry room with you until I go to class. We'll get my sheets dirty next time."
"Chivalry isn't dead after all."
"Shut up," Junhui groans. He kisses Minghao one last time before he gets out of bed, pulling Minghao after him. They change their pants and underwear before going to shower so no one sees the stains and when they come back, they gather everything into Minghao's laundry basket and go to the basement.
Minghao ends up sitting on his washer and Junhui drags a chair to sit with him, throwing ideas back and forth on what to name the CD they want to record. He's so pretty like this, flushed after showering with his hair a little wet. Junhui is so horrendously in love with him. It's catastrophic. It's going to eat him alive.
He wouldn't mind.
Jihoon and Seokmin are on board with recording, so they sign up for studio time for the weekend. By Saturday evening, they have two songs recorded and by Sunday evening, they have five—enough for a CD. Jihoon wants to mix the recordings himself and he's planning on teaching Seokmin how, so Minghao and Junhui go back to their dorm room on Sunday tired, accomplished, and with plenty of homework that they've put off.
"We should work," Minghao groans as they walk into the room.
"Do we have to?" Junhui whines, draping himself over Minghao's back after locking the door behind them. "I don't want to."
"And what do you suggest we do then?" Minghao asks with a laugh. He laces his fingers with Junhui's over his chest.
Junhui brushes his lips on Minghao's shoulder. "I can think of something."
Minghao turns around in Junhui's arms, looking at him carefully before he leans in to kiss him. Junhui smiles into it and kisses back, running a hand through Minghao's hair.
"Your bed this time," Minghao murmurs, and Junhui laughs before guiding Minghao back to his bed. Junhui has a second set of sheets. It's fine.
He settles Minghao into the sheets, the comforter pulled back, and Minghao looks almost angelic like this, his hair haloed around him on Junhui's pillow and his eyes bright. Junhui thinks of him earlier, thinks of how he put everything he had into the recordings, but he's still dredging up more of himself to hand to Junhui. Junhui has never been more grateful for him.
Minghao pulls Junhui into a kiss, settles him so he's pressing Minghao into the bed, and Junhui is so fucking grateful.
Hands wandering, mouths wandering, and then Minghao is tugging on the hem of Junhui's shirt. "Take this off?"
Junhui nods and pulls his shirt off, helping Minghao out of his too. Minghao's eyes are wide and he runs his hands down Junhui's chest, hooking his fingers in the waistband of Junhui's pants. Junhui takes the opportunity to look at Minghao, to look at smooth skin and the soft lines of him. He's like a painting, laid out underneath Junhui. One that everyone lines up to see, for Junhui's eyes only.
Minghao tugs Junhui back down and into a kiss, teasing his hand over Junhui's cock, already hard and probably leaking. He has Minghao half-naked in bed. Of course he's already hard. Minghao doesn't laugh though, doesn't make fun of him. He just sucks in a harsh breath and pushes the heel of his palm into Junhui's cock.
"Can we—" Minghao cuts himself off, looking at Junhui. His fingers tighten in Junhui's waistband.
"Mhm," Junhui hums. "Do you want to— All the way?"
"Yeah," Minghao breathes out. "I can be on bottom. I've, um, fingered myself before. Lately."
"You've—" Junhui stops, because he just got hit full-force with a vision of Minghao riding his fingers. Fuck. "Yeah. Yeah, that works."
Junhui kisses Minghao, heavy and heated, but he's still being gentle with Minghao. Minghao doesn't like anything too hard when they kiss. Junhui would give him anything, so he can certainly give him that.
They move slowly to undress each other, to strip each other down until Minghao is nearly shaking underneath Junhui. He's nervous. Junhui kisses him and he settles.
Junhui has lube in his dresser drawer, so he goes to get it before he comes back and sits on his knees between Minghao's legs. He leans down to kiss Minghao's knee, his inner thigh, and he slicks up his fingers.
His free hand goes to hold Minghao's hand while he slowly, carefully, pushes a finger inside Minghao. Minghao grips his hand tightly and visibly tries to stay relaxed, but he doesn't relax until Junhui presses a kiss to the back of his hand.
"You're okay, Xiao Hao," Junhui murmurs. "You're doing well."
Minghao's eyes stay on Junhui while Junhui stretches him, while Junhui adds a second finger. It isn't until Junhui is able to crook his fingers a bit that Minghao's head drops back and he moans. He moans, and it's gorgeous, and Junhui is so dizzy. He focuses on Minghao again, focuses on making sure he's enjoying this, that it doesn't hurt too much when he presses a third finger in with the other two.
Finally, Junhui asks, "do you think you can—"
"Yeah," Minghao says quickly, looking back up at Junhui. "Please."
And that's— That'll do it. Junhui moves to slick himself up, moves to kiss Minghao through pushing inside him so carefully.
When their hips are flush together, Junhui thinks he might pass out. He's inside Minghao. He's inside Minghao. Minghao is kissing him almost desperately while he adjusts, his hands are running up and down Junhui's sides, and Junhui's chest is so full. This is all he's wanted for a year and here it is, for him to hold.
Minghao finally breaks the kiss to press his forehead to Junhui's. "You can move, sweetheart. Just be gentle."
Junhui is so gentle. He's so gentle with Minghao, with Minghao's heart, and he's gentle with how he's fucking Minghao. Junhui takes his time, coaxing little whines out of Minghao, soft huffs of breath and softer moans, and Junhui can't help the way he drops his head to Minghao's shoulder when Minghao laces a hand in his hair and tugs. Junhui moans as he bites down softly, as Minghao moans a little louder, and Junhui drags Minghao's hand down to his own cock.
Minghao comes with a whine of Junhui's name, comes hot and wet between them, and Junhui eases out of Minghao so he doesn't hurt him. Minghao reaches his hand down, jerking Junhui off with quick movements, and then Junhui is coming and his cum mixes with Minghao's and Junhui might pass out. He might pass away. One of the two.
Or he'll do neither, because Minghao is kissing him and that's far more important than anything Junhui had on his schedule.
"Will you get me a washcloth or something?" Minghao asks when he pulls away. "Please."
Junhui laughs and leaves a kiss on Minghao's forehead before he gets out of bed to clean Minghao up. When he's satisfied with how clean they both are and how much this washcloth needs to be washed, he crawls back into bed and wraps himself around Minghao, both of them barely fitting in the twin bed.
"You know what we should do?" Minghao asks. Junhui hums. "We should push our beds together. Make one mega-bed."
Junhui snorts. "You just want to cuddle with me. That's so embarrassing."
"You're the one starfished on me right now," Minghao laughs.
"Yeah, but I'm obsessed with you and everyone knows that," Junhui teases. "It's still embarrassing for you."
Minghao groans. "I hate you so much. I take it back."
"No, no, I want the mega-bed," Junhui laughs. "I do, I want it. We can do that after we shower, but give me a bit to lay here with you."
"Alright, if you insist," Minghao says, and Junhui can hear his eye roll. Junhui loves him. He curls more around Minghao, holding him a little tighter, and kisses his hair.
They're quiet for a bit, finally moving away from each other long enough to shower and push their beds together, pushing a blanket into the crack between their mattresses to make it more comfortable. They settle into bed for the night and Minghao really does cuddle up to Junhui, laying his head on Junhui's chest and throwing his leg over Junhui's. Junhui holds him close, holds him tight. Holds him loved.
They fall asleep easily.
Jihoon and Seokmin get the songs mixed and they're in the process of burning 50 CDs, labeling them all, and putting them in cases.
"50 seems like a lot," Junhui says warily for the third time.
Minghao huffs and glares at him. "Junhui. Come on. We're just being hopeful. Besides, we can always have extras for other shows. Might as well make them all at once."
It makes sense, it does. Junhui is just scared of what 50 CDs means. It means attention. It means everything that comes with people knowing their names. He doesn't know what to do with that. He looks away from Minghao and keeps labeling a CD. He feels Minghao's eyes burn on him for a few more seconds before Minghao looks away.
"Alright, boys," Seokmin says over the sound of the showcase band before them playing. Seokmin has eyeliner on, Jihoon has a sweater with rolled up sleeves on, and Minghao has a hickey on his thigh.
Junhui would know. He put it there last night.
"Going to give us a pep talk?" Jihoon asks with a laugh. "Go for it."
"Kind of!" Seokmin laughs. "I just was going to say that I'm proud of us. We've come really far from when we didn't even have a band name. Let's go out there and kick some ass and take some names."
"It's so weird to hear you say 'ass,'" Minghao laughs.
"You get the point!"
"I do," Minghao says. He looks at Junhui when he says, "I'm proud of us. Let's do it."
They can barely feel the bite of the mid-December air from the stage and it's a real stage for once, with lights beating down on them and a crowd in front of them. Junhui isn't going to throw up. He swears. He's just going to dissociate from his body entirely.
The set of four songs goes quickly and before Junhui knows it, Minghao is announcing that they have free CDs of their songs and they're filtering off the stage. The other bands backstage congratulate them with bright smiles before they go to join the other bands at the back of the venue, a meet and greet of sorts.
They're just mingling with the bands before everything seems to go in slow motion when a girl comes up to Minghao and asks for a CD. Minghao's bright grin when he hands her one is unmatched, full of giddy energy and the kind of passion he only shows while he's playing guitar or while he's fucking Junhui. Junhui watches him in awe.
He watches in awe as slowly and then all at once, they give out all 50 CDs. People ask for their name again, take their CDs, and tell them they were good. They were actually good. People like them.
People love them. Minghao gives his Hotmail address out to a few of them that say they want Obligation as an opening band at their gigs and they're all giggly as they walk out of the venue and back toward the cars Jihoon and Seokmin use when they're in the States to load their gear.
"Holy shit," Minghao says when he's in the backseat of Seokmin's car, Junhui in the passenger seat. "We did it."
"We did it!" Seokmin says. "We should all watch a movie tonight and burn more CDs. I have a feeling that we're going to need them."
Junhui grins even as his gut swoops.
They're coming back into their dorm room from their first opening set at a real venue when Minghao locks the door behind him and throws himself at Junhui, all giddy laughter. Junhui catches him in a kiss before he picks him up and swings him around.
"We're doing it!" Minghao laughs. "We're making it. We're making it, Junhui."
"I know, sweetheart," Junhui says with a smile. "This is big."
"It's huge," Minghao says, his eyes wide. He throws his arms over Junhui's shoulders. "We're going to be huge, Junhui. We gave away all of the CDs again. We're going to get signed and everyone's going to know our names and we're going to be huge."
Minghao leans in to kiss Junhui again and something, that same thing that's been eating at him for a month since the showcase, swoops in his gut again. Everyone's going to know their names. Everyone's going to be watching them, waiting for them to slip up.
Junhui thinks about him and Minghao. He thinks about how he's the happiest he's ever been, how everyone would look at them differently if they knew. How Seokmin and Jihoon would feel. How everyone who's going to know their names would feel.
"Junhui?" Minghao asks, pulling away. "What's wrong?"
"I'm—" Junhui chokes on it. "What are we going to do?"
"Huh?"
"You and me," Junhui says. He feels desperate, feels a buzzing behind his teeth, at the back of his eyes. He feels nauseous. He feels like everything's falling apart. "How are we supposed to do this if everyone knows us?"
"What do you mean?" Minghao asks, his head tilted to the side.
"Someone's going to find out about us," Junhui says, his voice quiet and hurt.
Minghao looks so confused. "So we tell them from the beginning. We don't have to be public about it, but we just won't hide it."
"And if we break up?" Junhui asks. Acid in his mouth. "If we're together and then we break up, what will happen to the band? What about Seokmin and Jihoon?"
"Then we won't break up," Minghao says, like it's that easy. "Junhui, what's actually going on?"
"We can't be public because we might break up and we can't hide this because someone will find out. We can't— We can't."
Minghao looks like he's been slapped and he steps away from Junhui. "What do you mean, we can't? We already are."
"Not officially," Junhui says. It sounds like an excuse. It sounds like Junhui has a hickey on his collarbone that he had to hide tonight. "We're not official."
Minghao's eyes narrow. "Spit it out, Junhui. What do you actually want?"
"I want you, but we can't," Junhui says desperately. "We can't do this, Minghao. We can't be together."
There are tears in Minghao's eyes. "Why are you doing this so suddenly?"
Why is he doing this so suddenly? Is it really sudden if he's been scared the whole time?
"I'm—" Junhui cuts off. "I'm sorry. I love you, but—"
"Get out," Minghao interrupts quietly. "Get out, Junhui."
"Minghao—"
"Pack your shit and go sleep on Jihoon's floor or something," Minghao says. Tears are openly streaming down his face now and he wipes at them harshly. Too harshly. He's going to hurt himself. "Go. Leave."
Junhui doesn't know what to do.
Minghao makes it easy on him. He packs Junhui's things in his backpack while Junhui stands frozen still and shoves it at him.
"You're my best friend," Junhui says weakly. "Minghao."
"Get out before I say something I don't mean," Minghao says. He sounds so fucking defeated. "Please."
Junhui can only nod. "Okay. I'll see you later."
Minghao watches him go. Junhui shuts the door behind him and he stands there for a moment, stands there long enough that he hears Minghao let out a strangled scream before he chokes on his sobs.
Junhui has to go. He has to.
He does.
When Junhui goes back to their room two days later to get his things when Minghao is in class, their beds are pushed apart. The blanket is still in the middle of the room, marking where they padded the mattresses. A wall between them. Junhui repacks his bag and leaves before Minghao comes back.