Work Text:
Perfectly blind
Perfectly deaf
Perfectly out of sight
Locking myself
Behind the doors
Trying to drown the fight
Headphones on my ears
Carry me to a foreign land
To a story that I would like to claim as mine
Unlike whatever is going on outside
A page I want to rip put of the book
Though I know I can't
Let this tunes temporarily drown out the sounds
Take my soul, music notes carrying me to a peaceful land
Pretending to be ignorant in my little bubble, cramped little room
But have you forgotten that bubbles are see through?
I know what is going on
I just chose to step aside
I made this choice, don't burst it
Or I might burst into tears
It's either it or me
Choose your bubble
Choose your bubble
They call me bubbly and cute
I put on my practiced smile and sweetly said thanks
Wonder where did I get my practice from?
Wonder why I always had to play sweet
Cuz I was taught that if u don't hide your dark side
Someone else will hide themselves
I don't want to become that
Don't want others to hide themselves
So I did it for them
All of them
Or maybe I don't have to
I just need to learn how to channel it
Without hurting others
Without forcing others to hide and shield
Can my darkness be a welcoming hand
And guide those who also hid themselves out of fear
The same way I did
Can I
Can I
Perfectly blind
Perfectly deaf
Perfectly aware
Painlessly, numbly, with practiced ease
Drowing out the world I do not wish to be a part of
Have you ever realized
That I know everything about everyone
But never share a bit of myself
Friendships...that feel real and disconnected at the same time
Cuz u tell me everything
But I never share mine
I listen, I advice, I comfort
With such depth that shock you
Ever wonder where that depth come from?
Ever wonder how I found the right words?
Cuz I had to patch myself up too many times
I know what stings and what I want to hear to heal
And I repeat those words to you
I see myself in you
But you will never know that
I admire how you all have the courage to open up and be vulnerable
Cuz for years I've linked speaking your mind to disaster
It's a creeping whisper, a faint echo of a past playing in my head
Every time I wonder how much should I tell you
Cuz I didn't want to destroy the weak little thread that connected us
To my family
You gave me strength
Or at least, the unspoken version of you
And the version that healed, the one that started showing up later on
But the damage has been done
Am I not the youngest?
Why do I have to patch everyone up?
Why am I the one teaching you?
But well...it's also my choice to not seek you when I'm wounded
Cuz how can I trust a wounded man to patch me up?
Especially the one that wounded me
Such an irony, I'm wounded too, and I patch
But I can patch myself, and from my view, it looks like you can't patch yourself
How can I entrust myself with someone who can't even patch themselves
Maybe you did, behind the scenes, silly me unaware
I'm sure you did, you are an adult afterall
Maybe I'm not even aware of the sheer weight you carry
You shielded me that way, you made me feel safe materially (a roof above my head, to spend without a second thought)
I'm grateful, I truly am
But u also fucked up in some way, no cap
I know you are trying, thanks for actively trying to heal yourself
But I'm sorry that I still can't trust you
Maybe, in time, or when things become bad enough, I might, in the future, shed a tear before you
I pray to God for this kind of strength
Strength to trust you guys again
Though it doesn't look like a near future
When I cocooned myself in this emotional blanket and tell myself I'm ready
I walk into the cold living room, then all the warmth in me faded
With a practiced, emotionless, dead smile
A calmness too eerie for this young face
Too cheerful for the tension in the room
I repeat those few lines again, my tone too light
Like I don't feel what's going on
(Oh i know) I just push it away
Again (so I don't feel it soaking into my bones)
Like I've always done
Ignoring the suffocating stillness of this "home"
So I can breathe by letting my soul dissociate from this story of yours
Not mine
Not mine
Not my business
Not my job
Not my responsibility
Not involved
Out of the ordeal
Out, out, out
Out of sight,
And out of mind
I will still be sad when you die
But i will somehow feel a muscle relax
No longer tensing to footsteps
Or the sound of doors closing
One less face to analyze
One less time to be cautious
Carefully chosen words come flowing through
Cuz I do it every day
I know people well
Cuz huh yeah
I do it every day
Sorry for shutting you out
Hiding in that room when you prolly needed me the most
When you are crying in your own room
I couldn't bring myself to get through that door
I'm scared of the outburst that once wounded me as a child
I don't want to be a victim of your fury
I'm sorry
I didn't know how to be there for others physically
Cuz I never had it, and never seeked it
I didn't know how
I can do it through text
But I never know what to say or what to do when it happens right in front of me
I try (or maybe I didn't)
But one thing I'm sure
I hide
I hide
I hide
I gave up waiting for someone to hold me
I don't remember when did I start crying myself to sleep, cradling and holding my arms
The voice in my head comforting myself, probably the survival instincts in me that wanted to live
And they know I can't go on if I don't have comfort
So I comforted myself
Over and over again
Too many times
Over and over again
I'm not seeking your pity
I don't need your teary eyes (maybe I do)
It's the first time I went raw
And certainly, with no one physically by my side (oh she's lying there on her bed)
(In the same room as I am)
(But she wouldn't know what I'm typing)
(Cuz my face is calm as hell)
(Hell, one I made for myself )
(Hell, one I put myself in and finally am starting to come out of)
(Hell, a form of self imprisonment)
(If I can come out of it, maybe you can too)
Don't be afriad, when those sweet eyes suddenly look so hollow
When that sweet smile turn into a thin line
When the "bubbly", soulful girl suddenly look soulless
I just shed my pastel shading
Now you look at me
Cold like a frostbite
Cuz the fire you once saw was staged
Maybe that's my kind of "dark side"
Silent and cold
Soulless and hollow
Deprivation instead of outburst
A pressure that weighs on you without a sound
But it's there
Oooh it's there
I can make it go away by playing happy
Ok I'm not used to making a scene,
I will pretend nothing happened :)
Too calm when everyone is stressing out
Too quiet when roller coaster's crashing down
Too static when a door slams or when something drops on the ground
Too graceful, as if nothing happen just now
Too seamless, as if nothing rippled through the air
Too calm, little signs you've missed, I dare
Of a broken soul patched up by riggered tapes
And with songs, filled with meanings
Only I will ever know
I will be your safe house when everything falls apart
As I was mine