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in more recent years, your relationship with your big sis actually seemed to be repairing itself a bit. it was a nice change of pace, considering how fraught and combative your earlier years had been. with how little you interact with most people irl now, her friendship helps.
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of course, you're still never thrilled at her teasing you for your socially stilted qualities- especially because you usually can't tell if shes joking or not. like when she calls you a "little ret4rd" for bringing up whatever game you've been playing in every conversation.
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she usually says it with a smile on her face, so you think it might just be sisterly teasing? but it does remind you a lot of when she used to beat you up as a kid for being a "weirdo". your relationship has moved on, though! she isn't like that anymore.
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tonight she wanted to hang out and show you some anime she said you might like. something about two step sisters? honestly you're fine with whatever, you're just looking forward to hanging out. you haven't really had much of a reason to leave your room recently.
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when she eventually gets home from work with a big bag of snacks, you both settle into the couch together. but before you can really get comfortable, she says something which catches you off guard.
"do you want to sit on my lap while we watch?"
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she knows that you aren't really prone to being touched most of the time.. a lot of the hugs and kisses on the cheek she had been giving you as of late had been unprompted and unwanted, and you had impressed upon her how you felt about it at the time.
"uh. no i think i'm good."
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"awww come on. i'm really trying to make up for how terrible i was to you as a kid. you know i'm sorry, right? i just think it'd be nice since i never even hugged you then.. i wanna make up for lost time"
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you don't want to be touched right now. but. if it's for the good of your relationship...
you move yourself to sit on her lap in a detached, stiff manner. god.. even now, you're so much smaller than her. you try to settle your nerves about maintaining constant physical contact.
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this is okay, right? you can weather just one uncomfortable sensory input for the sake of making her happy. you wanted to hang out with her anyway.. this is fine.
she queues up the step-sister anime and for a second you think you can finally get comfy, but...
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god, this shit is way too loud. a familiar anxiety starts to rise in you, as everything begins to feel subtly poisonous. you squirm a little.
"uh. hey. it's kinda loud. can we turn it down a bit??"
"you know i can't hear stuff too well... cmon. it's not even that loud."
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why is she whispering that so close to your ear?? the residual heat from her breath makes you tense up. this really isn't going well.
"heyyy hey no it's okay, you're with me. nothing is wrong. you're safe, okay? this isn't a big deal."
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she's still whispering uncomfortably close, and her arms wrap around you in a way that comes off as distinctly shackle-like, even though you think shes trying to make it comforting??? you try to quell your jittering. this is normal. you don't want to have a meltdown over nothing.
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you try to forget about everything and solely immerse your perception on the anime, but it all just starts to blur into vague shapes and distant noises because of all the energy you're expending to not overreact
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your vision goes hazy and you can barely tell that her hands are traveling to other places on your body...
you. you think it'd be best to just not think about things for right now.
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it might be a couple minutes or hours. maybe even days or weeks. you can only pick up on a few distant sensations. the sound of laughter. different nervous centers (which only you had touched prior) being felt up and down.
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some awful pressure in your lower abdomen applying itself and then letting off, only to reapply itself immediately. heat building up in you as tears streak down your face. wetness dripping down your thighs.
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you come to your senses laying on the floor, disheveled and lacking any clothes. your sister is absent. your body aches all over, and your eyes are stinging completely dry. this couldn't have happened.. there has to be some other reason you ended up like this.
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complete dread settles into your stomach. she didn't do what you think she did, right? your sister is nice to you and loves you, right? you need to stop thinking horrible things about her.