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Letters to Mama
February 10, 1943
Dear Mama,
I’m writing this letter and wishing you well. We just finished up training here. They’re gonna ship us out to the front soon. I hope everything is going okay back there. Tell Dad, I miss him. Hopefully, by the end of this, both his sons will come home heroes. Tell Paul I love him too when you write him next.
You’ll be happy to know I’m not the only Korean in my unit. There’s actually six of us. I think you’d like Bobby best. He has mischief in his eyes, but he’s a sweet kid. Not even a year younger than me. He’s from Virginia and now he’s being shipped off to Europe. My bunkmate is Bennie, he’s from Boston. He’s a Red Sox fan, so of course we can’t ever talk about baseball or there will be a different kind of world war. You’d like him though, he tries to look out for us even though he’s on the short side. He scared off some racist shits who kept calling us kamikazes. He had Minho’s help. His American name is Mickey, but his family only got here when he was 10 so he prefers his Korean name. Minho looks like he should be an actor or something, but he’s scary as hell. One of those guys with crazy eyes, but he’s a good guy if he likes you. Two of my friends are the same age as me. Sam is from Atlanta. Artsy guy, definitely should be in a gallery, not on the battlefield. Sky is from LA. He’s pretty quiet. I think he was drafted in like me. Sam too probably. I don’t ask people though. They’re both tall, not that it helps them too much. Because I know you’ll ask, Bobby’s Korean name is Jeongin, Bennie’s is Changbin, Sam’s is Hyunjin, and Sky’s is Seungmin.
I’m doing alright. I’ve made friends which helps the situation. I know you wanted me to avoid this whole thing and go to college. I promise I’ll get that degree when I come home, just for you. It’s been a lot of running around and learning how to avoid shooting myself in the foot. I think I might come back a little less clumsy. I’m using that journal you gave me before I left. It really helps, mama. Thank you.
I’m going to try and send you at least one letter a month, more if I can. It’ll depend on where we end up.
I love you, Mama. Stay healthy for me.
Your Son,
Peter Jisung Han
February 12, 1943
Dear Journal,
We’re being deployed to Tunisia. I never thought I’d go to Africa. Now I’ll go and fight a war there. Some of the guys are excited about finally getting to put all the training to practice. Sky’s been really quiet since the announcement though. He’s constantly scribbling away in a notebook when they aren’t making us do drills. He isn’t even talking to Sam that much, the only person he really talked to in the first place. I’m worried.
Bobby looked a bit shell shocked when they told us, like he just realized how real this was. He’s still lively as ever, but his smiles aren’t reaching his eyes. Minho & Bennie are just doing their best to keep our morale up I think. Bennie has gone full goofball, cracking jokes and weedling at everyone until he gets a smile. Minho has gone full worrywart. He’s checking everyone’s bags and gear for them, making sure none of it is any less than perfect. Like even one popped stitch could be the difference between life and death. Maybe he’s right.
I’ve been spending time with Sam. He and Sky used to spend all their time together, but since Sky is avoiding everything he’s been left alone almost. He’s a real artistic guy. Sometimes we just hang out and he paints while I draw. He thinks my art style is cool, good for comic books. Maybe after all this is over I’ll make a career of it.
We ship out next week. A one way trip to Tunisia to work on the big push over there. They’re hoping we can decrease the number of fronts in this war. Finally get to focus more on the important ones. I just hope I never have to see German soil.
Jisung
March 25, 1943
Dear Mama,
We’re in Africa now. I can’t tell you where though. The weather delayed plans a bit so I have a little time to write this letter to you. I’m doing alright. It’s hot here, but not as hot as I expected. We’re closer to the ocean so maybe we’re getting some good winds. You’ll be happy to know I’m in good health. Tell dad I love him and if you hear from Paul, tell him I miss him. I hope you’re doing well. Your last package was well received. My friends loved the lucky charms you sent. They all stowed them somewhere on their person.
Speaking of friends, we met a couple more Koreans when we got here! There are Australians here with us. Out of pure luck Bennie and I ran into Chris. You’d love him. He’s friends with everyone instantly and takes good care of everyone. He introduced us to Felix. He’s a literal ray of sunshine. The kindest person I’ve ever met I think AND he was born the day after me! We’re basically twins. You’d try to adopt him if you met him, I’m sure of it. Before you ask, their Korean names are Chan and Yongbok. I know Felix’s is a little weird, but his grandpa chose it. We call him Haengbokkie sometimes. You just can’t help but smile around him.
The guys are doing alright. Bennie & Mickey are still taking care of us, but now Chris is taking care of them and us too. It’s nice to see them relax a bit. Sky is opening up a bit more thanks to Felix, not even he can resist all that energy and happiness. Apparently, he writes stories in that notebook of his. They’re really good. He writes really expansive fantasy stuff. I hope he writes a proper book one day. Sam and I have been drawing together when we can. He thinks I should try working in comics, I think his work should be in an art gallery like the MET. Bobby is doing alright. I think he’s eating up having seven friends who baby him. He’s a middle kid back home.
It might be a little hard to send a letter next month, but I’ll do my best. We’re about to be pretty busy here. I’ll be careful and take care of myself and if I don’t Chris & Minho will.
I love you, Mama.
Your Son,
Peter Jisung Han
April 2, 1943
Dear Journal,
Shit’s about to get real. We’ve been on hold for a week because the weather is awful and we can’t even start the operation until it clears up. Sitting in limbo waiting for the guns to go off is the worst of it. Everyone is on edge. They said we’ll finally start the attack in three days. Minho is already checking everyone’s gear again like before we left to get here. We’ve been spending time together more lately. I think he thinks I’m funny and, well, I like that we don’t talk about anything heavy, just fun weird things like if aliens exist and what our favorite bugs are.
Chris and Felix are helping keep morale up a lot. They are literally the nicest guys I’ve ever met. They keep telling us about the beaches back in Sydney and how they want to invite us to visit after it’s all over. Sky seems to be finally out of his funk. Hyunjin is ecstatic. I think he was really worried about Seungmin. I was too, honestly. But no one can ignore the sunshine that is Felix. He just kept including him and going to him until he just accepted it. He’s the one that found out the guy is a writer. Felix is dead set on being a surfer when he goes home. God, I hope we get home.
The war is so much more real here. We’ve had skirmishes here and there since we got here. The enemy is backed up into the capital with nowhere to go but the Mediterranean. I’ve shot my gun since I got here, but no one’s died from it yet. I think that’s about to change in a few days though. Every once in a while I see Bobby just staring off in the distance. I think he’s still processing everything. How real it all is. How he’s going to have to kill or be killed. The kid wanted to be a priest. He’s basically a pacifist and now he’s on a battlefield. Chris has been particularly dad-like to Jeongin lately. I think he senses his unease and wants to do whatever he can to shield him. Even if he can’t keep him out of the battle.
God, I just hope we all make it out alive. We’re all about to walk straight into Hell.
Jisung
April 30, 1943
Dear Mama,
I’m writing you real quick right now. We have the Germans pinned down right now and the flyers are keeping them there. I’m alright, if a bit worn out. By the time you get this we’ll have pushed the damn Nazis clear out of Africa.
Everyone here is doing well enough. We all could probably use a real shower soon. I’m worried the dirt is ingrained in my skin now. The boys are all alright too. There was a close call with Sam, he’s a bit clumsy. He tripped and nearly gave away our position. Luckily, Sky was fast enough to keep him from hitting the ground. After that, Minho had one hand on his pack and the other on Bobby’s. He’s real protective of all of us when we’re out on missions. Bennie’s got a little burn on one of his arms from an explosion, but he’ll be fine. I got him disinfected and wrapped up quick.
I wish I had more time to write, but we’re going to be moving out again tomorrow. I love you and miss you. Tell dad I love him. Hopefully, this war will be over soon. Stay safe.
Your Son,
Peter Jisung Han
May 10, 1943
Dear Journal,
I hate this. We’re in hell. We’re all going to hell. My gun has taken lives. I’ve watched the life leave a man’s eyes. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget that. My friends are okay, if someone can be okay with all this. They’re alive. Bennie’s arm was burnt pretty bad. He says it doesn’t hurt, but I know he’s just doing that so he can stay with us in the front instead of being taken back to the medical tents. Chris and Minho have closed ranks around him like they can be a shield.
At night you can always hear someone crying, I think it’s Felix, but it might be Bobby. They’re both so innocent. I hate that they’re forced to do this. I feel like Sam, Sky, and I are just holding ourselves together to not worry the older guys and to protect the younger ones. Everything smells of gunpowder and sweat and the dirt feels like it might be part of me now. I’m not sure I’ll ever feel clean again. My hands are bathed in red anyway.
Minho sticks close to me between missions. He’s the one spot of light in all this chaos. I love them all, I do, but he can pull me out of the darkness so easily and I think I do that for him too. Sometimes he just takes my hand and holds it between our bunks or whatever we’re sleeping in at night, a little bit of peace in the surrounding tragedy. He’s fucking beautiful.
I hope we get to have those light talks after all this. At home, either in New York or Hawaii. Maybe even Australia, if we take up Chris and Felix on their offer. I’d like to hold his hand when we’re safe.
Jisung
June 1, 1943
Dear Mama,
We finished our first big mission. You’ve probably heard by now about the Nazis getting pushed out of Tunisia. That was us. Everyone is okay, just a couple injuries here and there. We got some time off afterwards before we had to start training exercises for our next operation.
I hope you and Dad are doing alright. I know that they’ve been rationing things back home more. Take care of yourselves. Don’t let Dad work too hard and you be careful at your new job. I know you want to help with the war effort for me and Paul, but your safety comes first, Mama. Tell Paul I love him in your next letter. I hope he’s safe wherever he is.
They set up a little dance hall for us during our down time. It wasn’t much, just a building they put a bar and some tables into. There are some musicians in the unit so they were able to get some music going for everyone. It was a lot of fun. You’ve never met them, but you would’ve been shocked by how good some of the guys can dance. Mickey and Sam looked by trained professionals. I did my best to prove that you raised me right. I didn’t step on any toes. Bennie & Bobby’s dance partners weren’t so lucky. It’s like they both have two left feet. Poor Bobby had his partner run off after the second song, he ended up pouting at a table with Sky. It was a nice break from everything.
We’ll be shipping out again soon enough. I’ll try my best to send a letter before then. I love you, Mama.
Your Son,
Peter Jisung Han
June 2, 1943
Dear Journal,
Something happened last night at the dance hall. We got our new orders about a week ago and they’ve kept it running for morale in the first portion of training. Minho’s seemed happier during our break. I guess the fear of losing someone went away for a little bit and he was able to relax. He was still holding my hand when we went to sleep and now I know why.
We all did a little dancing with some of the girls from the nursing corp and logistics. I know it’s not normal, but I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. Minho is so effortless. Graceful even. He all but had a line of girls trying to dance with him, but every song we’d meet eyes over our partners shoulders and I couldn’t look away. About halfway through the night he asked me to join him for a smoke around back, so we headed outside. We talked like we always do. Funny, weird little conversations that wouldn’t make sense to anyone else. We were so close together leaning against that wall. Most people stayed around front so no one was near us. Maybe that’s why he did it.
There was just a moment when our laughter died off and our faces were so close. Before I even knew it, he’d kissed me. Minho kissed me. And I liked it. I froze up, but I liked it so much. He ran back inside though and when I finally made it back in he was dancing with one of his admirers like he hadn’t turned my whole world upside down. He wouldn’t even look at me. I tried to talk to him, but he kept slipping away. I just wanted to talk to him. He even moved to sleep next to Bennie. It was the first night I didn’t have his hand in mine. This time it was me trying to muffle my crying so everyone could sleep.
Jisung
June 23, 1943
Dear Mama,
I’m sorry this letter can’t be too long. We’re shipping out soon for Europe. I’m happy you’re enjoying your job down at the factory. It’s probably nice having a little extra pocket money too. I hope Paul is feeling better. I’m sure a little time at the back will do him good.
I’m doing alright. We’ve been busy preparing. We rehearse it all like a play. Felix wants me to tell you hello. He’s never met you, but I think he’s dead set on acting like we’re actual twins. Bobby really appreciated that little handkerchief you sent for him. I think he’s real homesick, but he’s one of three brothers so his parents are spread pretty thin. Bennie’s healed up really well from his burn last month. Everyone is hopeful.
I’ll do my best to get a letter out to you when we settle down, but it might be a bit hard for a while.
Your Son,
Peter Jisung Han
July 2, 1943
Dear Journal,
He still hasn’t talked to me. It’s been a month. We’re in a whole new country on a different continent. He only talks to me when the others are around. He runs away any time I try to get close. Everyone’s noticed. Even Seungmin asked what happened and if I’m okay. He barely talks and he noticed.
I cry myself to sleep, when I sleep, more often than not. Sam is just being nice, ignoring it at this point. Minho was the one bright spot I had in all this mess. The other guys are great, but with us it was different and now I know why. I hate this.
Jisung
July 24, 1943
Dear Journal,
This is fucking hell. The landing was damn near botched because the winds were too strong. Sam got grazed on his side. We have to keep an eye on it so it doesn’t get infected in all this mud and dirt. Minho still won’t look at me. Chris and Bennie look between us with some look in their eyes that’s almost pity, like they know something, but don’t know if they should step in. Maybe they need to.
Bobby is having nightmares. Felix is crying in his sleep. It’s all shit.
Jisung
August 20, 1943
Dear Mama,
You probably figured out I’ve been in Italy. Well, Sicily. We finally pushed the Nazis out a couple days ago. I’m okay. Sam got a little hurt, but he’s fine now. Your vacation sounds like it went well. Nothing like going to the Catskills is there. Maybe we can go when Paul and I get back.
We’re heading to start training for something pretty big soon. It’s gonna take a while for the whole company to get there though. It might get hard to send letters again since we’ll be traveling. The boys say hello. They really appreciated the messages in your last letter. I think Bennie wants to steal you from Dad if he gets the chance. You better watch out. I’m looking after Felix and Bobby, promise. They had a hard time, but they’re doing better now that the bulk of the fighting is done here. We’ll have some down time again while we wait for the travel to begin. I don’t know if they’ll set up another dance hall. Things are pretty torn up here.
Tell Dad, I love him. Paul too. Stay safe. I hope I’ll get to come home soon.
Your Son,
Peter Jisung Han
August 22, 1943
Dear Journal,
My friends staged an intervention. They dragged Minho and I into some random empty supply tent and wouldn’t let us leave until we talked to each other. It was terrifying because how do you talk about the time you kissed each other in front of all your friends. I broke first honestly. I’ve wanted to tell him that I liked it, wanted even. That he didn’t have to run away. So I let it all spill. Only one or two of the others seemed surprised by the cause of our rift. Not one of them looked at us any differently. Once I finished speaking they left to give us some privacy.
Minho apologized for running. He’s known he was gay since he was a teenager. He had a few bad experiences back then and was scared I’d hate him. I can’t imagine hating him. He told me how he talked to Chris and Changbin about it. How both of them told him he was being stupid, but he just couldn’t approach me about it. Apparently, they both like men too. Chris likes both. Changbin is apparently head over heels for someone.
I asked him to kiss me again. It felt so right. In all this horror, I have my bright spot back, my happiness. We fell asleep holding hands again for the first time in over two months. I want to hold hands with him forever.
Jisung
September 14, 1943
Dear Mama,
It’s my birthday! Thank you for sending the care package. We’re still cleaning things up here in Sicily for now. Felix says thank you for the gifts you included for him too. I think he’s going to keep that little chick toy with him all the time. Sky said thank you for the small journal you sent for him as well. He promises to use it well.
I hope dad is doing well. And Paul. I’m sure the semester has begun at the university so dad will be plenty busy with the new students. I’m sorry I won’t be joining them quite yet. I heard that our operation in Sicily was covered in the paper at home. Looks like we’re a little famous. I won’t let it go to my head, promise.
Things are about as safe here as they ever have been. We should be heading to our next station within the next month after we finish packing up here. They set up a small dance hall again in a bar in town. It’s nice to have some down time again. Bennie & Sam are all better now. The medical units did a good job patching them up. Felix is a corpsman so he kept an eye on both of them when he could. Chris is running around like a chicken with his head cut off trying to make sure everyone is ready for the move. Mickey can’t even nervously check all our packs over and over because he already has. Bobbie is smiling more now. Thank you for sending that little dogwood flower trinket. I think having something to remind him of home helps.
I love you and miss you, Mama. I’ll do my best to stay out of trouble.
Your Son,
Peter Jisung Han
September 15, 1943
Dear Journal,
I’m another year older. I never thought I’d be spending it at war, but here we are. At least we’re not in active battle right now like we were for Bennie’s birthday. The guys somehow got the patrol schedule shifted around so we all had the night off and took me and Felix out to the bar in town where the makeshift dance hall is set up. Felix demanded we pull out our best civvie clothes for it. I shouldn’t complain though. Minho looked so good.
We were a bit daring while we were out. Minho and I danced together rather than with any of the townies or nurses there. Felix pulled Changbin on to the floor with him too. I think he was trying to make us less obvious. Bennie looked like he was over the moon though. It was really a perfect night. Minho is such a great dancer and he held me so close. It was the perfect night. There was drinking and laughter and dancing the night away until my birthday turned into Felix’s. Minho pulled me outside so he could kiss me in the alleyway beside the bar.
We returned to camp around 2am I think. We were all drunk and stumbling. Sky had to keep a hand on Sam to keep him from running off any time he saw something interesting. Chan had Jeongin thrown over his shoulder because he couldn’t walk in a straight line. Chris and Felix dropped us off at our company’s encampment. Bennie took over getting Bobbie to bed. Seungmin all but tied Hyunjin to his bed to keep him in it. Once everyone settled down, I snuck into Minho’s bunk instead of mine. Just to sleep, nothing more. It’s the best sleep I’ve gotten since I was drafted.
At least one good thing has come from this awful war.
Jisung
October 10, 1943
Dear Mama,
I hope you’re doing well. We’re traveling now. So I can’t write for too long. Tell Dad I miss him and that he should rest some. Send my love to Paul. Things are going well here. We’re heading to our next duty station. We’ll be training there for a while. There’s something big coming, but that’s all I can say about it. I might not get to send you a letter for a while since we’ll be on the move. I love you. Stay safe and don’t overwork yourself at the factory.
Your Son,
Peter Jisung Han
November 5, 1943
Dear Journal,
We made it to England. For now, we will be rehearsing a BIG mission that will be executed next year. I don’t know if I should even talk much about it in here just in case. That mission will take us to France and it’ll take a whole lot of manpower. Chris and Felix are here too because their unit with the Australians are part of the operation. I think we’re all happy they got to follow us over here. We won’t be in open warfare for a while, but the Nazis are still flying air raids here just about every night.
Everyone seems so much more relaxed now. Our main focus is training, collecting supplies, and doing dry runs. We might need to fight here and there if the Germans decided to cross the Channel and most of the time it will be trying to shoot their planes out of the sky rather than bullet for bullet. Small mercies, you know.
Everyone is in one piece. Minho is much less anxious about the others than he was last time we traveled. I think knowing we’re not headed into danger helps. We spend as much time as we can together. We sleep holding hands between bunks. No one says anything about it. We didn’t get to do much for his birthday since we were en route. I snuck us out for a little bit to be able to kiss him and hold him without worrying if people would see us. He seemed really happy.
Bennie sneaks off more often than before. It feels like every time we find him he’s with Felix somewhere. I think I recognize that soft smile he has when he’s around our little sunshine. Chris comes over to our encampment when he can get away with it to check on everyone. He spends a lot of time talking to Bobby. I think it’s good for the kid, he seems to be dealing with everything better now. Sam and Sky are almost always spending their free time in some corner or under some tree writing and painting together. Sky is filling that notebook my mom sent him fast. I wonder what he’s writing. I should ask.
I hope it stays this quiet. Maybe the war will finish before we even finish planning this operation. A guy can dream, right?
Jisung
December 1, 1943
Dear Mama,
Merry Christmas Mama! I know it’s a bit early, but I wanted to send this with enough time for it to reach you and Dad. I miss you both. It’s cold out here. It bites different than New York winters. I hope you’re keeping warm at the factory. Don’t work too hard over the holidays. Send my love to Paul. I hope he’s somewhere a little warmer than I am.
Everyone is doing well now that we have more time to rest. We’re training diligently and collecting the supplies we need. Sam wanted me to send along the painting you probably already found. It’s a little Christmas present for you. Sky carries that notebook with him everywhere. He said he’s writing a fantasy based on Korean folklore. He hopes you’ll read it one day. Felix is protecting his little chick with his life still. He keeps it in his chest pocket if he can get away with it. I added a little doodle of my own for you and Dad. I hope you like it. There’s a picture of all of us for you as well. I thought you’d like to see the boys you adopted from afar. They all send their love. Mickey wants to cook for you when we get back. He says he can cook almost anything you’d like from Korea, just name your favorite and he’ll make it for you. Chris and Bennie send their love as well.
I can’t send you any presents, but I want to thank you for all the little things you send and the messages that come with them. It means the world to me and to my friends. You take good care of us. I love you, Mama. I hope we get to come home soon.
Your Son,
Peter Jisung Han
December 26, 1943
Dear Journal,
What a Christmas. It was sad to not see my family, but I spent it with another one. We all huddled around in our bunks, Felix and Chris came over to join us. We passed around dumb little gifts. I did cartoony doodles of everyone. Chris seemed to love his the most. He says he’s going to frame it and put it up in a place of honor when he gets home. He really is a dad at the end of the day. I hope he gets to have a lot of kids. Jeongin and Seungmin sang for all of us. I never knew they were so good. Changbin made these goofy little coupons for all of us. We get one free use of his strength to lift things. He drew what we thought were pigs on them, except he said they were supposed to be rabbits. Minho and Felix somehow conned the kitchens into letting them bake for us. They brought brownies and hotteoks. Minho had to improvise a little with the hotteoks, but they tasted like home. Chris gave everyone these little figures he’d whittled. Small little animals he says suit us. Hyunjin painted things from our time together.
I hope I never have to say goodbye to them, just see you later.
Someone found some mistletoe too and strung it up. It made for a few very funny moments and one lovely moment. Chris and Bennie got stuck under it at one point. They’re good sports and made a whole show of it, Felix looked like he was about to faint. Sam and Sky got caught under it and Seungmin looked like he might sink into the floor. Hyunjin had mercy on him and popped a quick cheek kiss on him. Minho pulled me under it with a mischievous look on his face. I figured out why pretty quick though when he laid one on me so thorough the guys started gagging in the background, not that I cared.
I really hope this war ends before we’re in active battle again. I want them all to stay safe and un hurt for as long as possible.
Jisung
January 2, 1944
Dear Journal,
He kissed me at midnight to bring in the new year. Maybe I can ask him to move to New York after all of this. Maybe we can have a life together, even if we have to hide it. Maybe I can keep Minho forever.
Jisung
January 15, 1944
Dear Mama,
Happy New Year! I hope it went well for you. Did the ball still drop in Times Square this year? I hope Dad treated you to a nice dinner. We’re rehearsing the plans for an operation coming down the pike. It’s busy, but not too bad. We’re safer than usual for the time being.
Everyone appreciated the little trinkets you sent and the well wishes. Mickey is still raving about the cooking utensils you sent him. He’s always charming his way into the kitchens to make a little something now. Chris hasn’t put down the harmonica since he got it either. I should’ve told you their birthdays earlier, but they’re happy with the Christmas gifts I promise. If it helps, Bobby’s birthday is February 8th and Sam’s is March 20th. That way you have plenty of time.
We’ve set up a little soccer field in the camp. We go out there and play from time to time. It’s fun. A nice way to forget our troubles.
I’ll stay healthy and happy. I hope to come home soon. I love you, Mama.
Your Son,
Peter Jisung Han
February 8, 1944
Dear Journal,
I hate the rain. I never thought I’d see more rain than back home, but not only does it rain all the time here, it’s also cold. We’ve been rehearsing for this operation in a few months and trudging up a beach in the cold and the wet is torture. The operation we’re training for isn’t until May so at least it will be warmer by the time we really try to put this in practice.
Witnessing the night time air raids from Germany is awful too. They’re targeting civilians. The children have been shipped out to the country in hopes that they can avoid most of the destruction that is hitting London and other cities. They’ve only targeted our installment a couple times. We spent our time huddled in the barracks, which aren’t much of a shield against a proper bomb, but it’s something.
Today, we finagled our way into having the evening off for Jeongin’s birthday. He’s struggled less since we left the battlefield behind us for a little while, but I still hear him sniffing in his bunk sometimes. We wanted to give him as normal a birthday as we could. Minho conned someone in the kitchens to let him in there with Felix. The two of them baked a cake and decorated it as best they could. Channie and Binnie somehow were able to scrounge up some of the good rations for dinner too. I haven’t seen him smile this much since boot camp and even then it was rare. We did have him running for a bit because everyone was smothering him in affection. He hates hugs, but he was giggling the whole time. Hyunjin kept messing with his hair and acting like he was his real little brother even though he doesn’t have siblings.
Mom sent over a little fox trinket for him because she thinks he looks like a baby fox. His eyes got a little misty when I handed it to him. This was a good thing. I hope we can keep him smiling.
Jisung
March 1, 1944
Dear Mama,
I hope everything is going well at home, Mama. Bobby loved the little fox you sent. He has it set up on his bunk so he can give it a little tap each day. I appreciate how well you try to take care of my friends even though you haven’t met them. They all send their love to you. I miss you and Dad a lot lately. Maybe because it’s been over a year since I left home. I hope you both are doing well. Stay safe and take care of yourselves. Send my love to Paul too.
We had a little party for Bobby’s birthday. Minho and Felix made a cake. We all just sat around and enjoyed each other’s company as much as we could. We might’ve smothered the birthday boy a little too much, but he was smiling the whole time. I think he’ll be alright, but I promise to keep an eye on him. I know you’d want me to. We’re on allied turf for now. Our company is doing practice runs of an operation we have coming up.
I’ll do my best to keep writing letters to you more regularly. Things have settled down a bit here. I love you.
Your Son,
Peter Jisung Han
March 21, 1944
Dear Journal,
It’s been a long few weeks. While we are mostly out of the fighting, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t incursions here and there. German subs are in the waters off shore and their planes are in the air dropping hellfire from the sky. We’re trudging through sand and water practicing amphibious landings. We’re going to start using live rounds during rehearsals soon. There’s shit I’ve done with this fuck of a gun I never thought I’d do and it’s becoming real that we’ll do it again. This operation is big. We don’t know where or when yet, but they want this to end the war. They want it to scare Hilter from his stupid mustache to his damned boots.
Yesterday was Sam’s birthday. We were able to get together at the end of the day, huddling up in our barracks. Chris and Felix snuck over from the Australian camp. My mom sent over some nice water colors for him to use when he has time to paint. He clutched them almost like a lifeline when he opened them. He promised to paint something for my mom with them first. I told him he didn’t have to, but he insisted. Sky handed him something that none of us really got to see, but the way Sam hugged him says it meant something. Minho wasn’t able to con the kitchen staff this time so we had to settle for dessert rations and squirreled away beer. It was cozy, honestly. We just told stories around a lantern spread out on our bunks.
Minho talked about what it’s like in Hawaii, the sunshine and ocean. He also talked about how scary it was when the Japanese attacked. It was a different island, but still too close. The look on his face was grim as he told us about how people treated his family after that. So many people taking them for Japanese and the racism that came with that. Unfortunately, too many of us could relate. Bennie told us something happier. He talked about Boston and the people there. How in between all those ivy leagues lived real salt of the earth blue collared folks. He talked about how he was the quarterback on his high school football team, even showed us the ring he won when they took home a state championship. We all tried to share something real.
I talked about New York, about Flushing and its mish mash of Asian culture. I talked about Jack Kirby and Stan Lee and how they inspired me to draw cartoons and little comics. Hyunjin hammered home again that he thinks I should pursue it. I told him only if he goes to art school when we get home. God, I hope we get to go home. I hope they all get to do something more than fight in this war.
Jisung
April 12, 1944
Dear Mama,
Sam loved the water colors you sent him. He made me promise to send you the painting with this letter. It was the first one he finished with them. Everyone sends their love as well. I think they might like you more than me at this point. I get it. You’re the best. I miss you, Mama. Please stay healthy. I hope I can come home soon. Tell dad I miss him too.
We’re doing a lot of practicing right now. I might actually hate beaches now. It’ll make vacations hard when I get home. Maybe we can try going to the mountains. Maybe I’ll get over it. I really do want to try and visit all the guys when we go home. I think it would be nice to see them in their hometowns. Australia might be hard, but who knows.
Make sure dad doesn’t burn himself out during finals season. I send you all my love.
Your Son,
Peter Jisung Han
April 29, 1944
Dear Journal,
I want to go home. The past few days have been awful. The rehearsal went horribly wrong. First, we lost people in a friendly fire mishap. Then, yesterday. God. The Germans took out almost a thousand men. Two days and nearly 1300 soldiers lost. Practicing.
We’re back at the barracks. Minho pulled me into his own bunk when we got back. His hands were shaking. Sam pulled Sky into his bunk. Sky looks shell shocked. Sam is doing his best to bring him out of it, but his eyes look so hollow. We can hear sniffling coming from Bobby’s bed again. Changbin sat with him a long time last night. He didn’t go back to his own bunk until Bobby was asleep. It was pretty late. Chris and Felix both have circles under their eyes. Felix looks like he’s been crying too.
I don’t know what we’ll do if something like this happens again. This whole mission gets more real and more terrifying by the day. What if tomorrow it’s us? What if when we hit that beach we only make it two steps?
I just want to go home. I want us all to go home. I want them all to be happy.
Jisung
May 13, 1944
Dear Journal,
Minho and I made love last night. He’s held on so tight everyday, like he’s scared I’ll slip away. We’d all gone to the bar in the town we’re stationed in that someone is running for the soldiers. It was really just drinking with friends, more subdued than usual. The thing we’re rehearsing for is looming over our heads. They want to set it off early in June. Hyunjin kept grabbing Seungmin’s hand and Felix nearly fell asleep on Changbin’s shoulder. Chan kept checking on everyone. We made plans for after the war. Trips to see each other, future careers, maybe moving to the same town. When people started to get ready to leave, Minho pulled me up to the rooms above the bar. It was a tavern type of place before the war.
We ended up in one of those rooms. He told me he loved me and then he showed me. He looked so beautiful like that. I’ve never felt so connected to someone in my life. Maybe soulmates are real. Maybe we were made for each other. I must’ve told him I loved him back a hundred times last night. When he fell apart tears slipped from his eyes as he clung to me. He clung to me even as we fell asleep.
Waking up to him like that, I want to do that for the rest of my life. Maybe after this mission. They say it could end the war. We can go home. Maybe I’ll move to Hawaii or he can move to New York. We’ll get a place together, just for us. He can get some cats. I know he loves them, he feeds the strays sometimes. We could be happy. We just have to survive.
Jisung
May 24, 1944
Dear Mama,
Mama, we might be coming home soon. They think this next operation could end the war. If we pull it off it could be a turning point. I miss you and Dad so much. I hope he’s doing well now that the year is over at the college. I hope you’ve heard good things from Paul. I hope you’re doing well and staying healthy. My friends send their love.
We made some plans for when we’re home. We want to visit each other, meet families and friends. They all want to meet you first. Maybe if we get home soon enough they can see a New York New Year’s Eve. We could take them to watch the ball drop in Times Square.
I might not be able to write for a while. I’m not even sure when they’ll send this letter out. I want to tell you something when I get home.
I love you, Mama.
Your Son,
Peter Jisung Han
IF YOU WANT TO PRETEND LIKE THERE IS A HAPPY ENDING TO THIS STORY STOP HERE. BEYOND THIS POINT, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK OF SADNESS AND ANGST.
WASHINGTON, D.C 1023AM 6-18-44
MIYEON LEE KAUAI HI
THE SECRETARY OF WAR DESIRES ME TO EXPRESS HIS DEEPEST REGRET THAT YOUR SON CORPORAL MICKEY MINHO LEE WAS KILLED IN ACTION ON TEN JUNE IN FRANCE. LETTER FOLLOWS.
ULIO THE ADJUTANT GENERAL
WASHINGTON, D.C 0922PM 6-25-44
STEVEN AND ESTHER KIM LOS ANGELES CA
THE SECRETARY OF WAR DESIRES ME TO EXPRESS HIS DEEPEST REGRET THAT YOUR SON PRIVATE FIRST CLASS SKY SEUNGMIN KIM HAS SUCCUMBED TO INJURIES FROM THE BATTLEFIELD ON TWENTY JUNE IN FRANCE. LETTER FOLLOWS.
ULIO THE ADJUTANT GENERAL
WASHINGTON, D.C 0208PM 6-27-44
ROBERT AND EMILY YANG CENTERVILLE VA
THE SECRETARY OF WAR DESIRES ME TO EXPRESS HIS DEEPEST REGRET THAT YOUR SON PRIVATE FIRST CLASS BOBBY JEONGIN YANG WAS KILLED IN ACTION ON SIXTEEN JUNE IN FRANCE. LETTER FOLLOWS.
ULIO THE ADJUTANT GENERAL
WASHINGTON, D.C 0811AM 6-30-44
DAVID AND HANA SEO BOSTON MA
THE SECRETARY OF WAR DESIRES ME TO EXPRESS HIS DEEPEST REGRET THAT YOUR SON PRIVATE FIRST CLASS BENJAMIN CHANGBIN SEO HAS SUCCUMBED TO INJURIES FROM THE BATTLEFIELD ON TWENTY SIX JUNE IN FRANCE. LETTER FOLLOWS.
ULIO THE ADJUTANT GENERAL
SYDNEY, AUS 1006AM 7-7-44
JACK AND JESSICA BAHNG SYDNEY AUS
THE SECRETARY OF DEFENCE DESIRES ME TO EXPRESS HIS DEEPEST REGRET THAT YOUR SON LANCE CORPORAL CHRISTOPHER BAHNG WAS KILLED IN ACTION ON SEVEN JUNE IN FRANCE. LETTER FOLLOWS.
ULIO THE ADJUTANT GENERAL
WASHINGTON, D.C 0320PM 7-10-44
JAMES AND SAMANTHA HWANG NORCROSS GA
THE SECRETARY OF WAR DESIRES ME TO EXPRESS HIS DEEPEST REGRET THAT YOUR SON PRIVATE FIRST CLASS SAMUEL HYUNJIN HWANG WAS KILLED IN ACTION ON SEVEN JUNE IN FRANCE. LETTER FOLLOWS.
ULIO THE ADJUTANT GENERAL
SYDNEY, AUS 0915AM 7-14-44
HENRY AND GRACE LEE SYDNEY AUS
THE SECRETARY OF DEFENCE DESIRES ME TO EXPRESS HIS DEEPEST REGRET THAT YOUR SON PRIVATE FELIX LEE WAS KILLED IN ACTION ON SEVEN JUNE IN FRANCE. LETTER FOLLOWS.
ULIO THE ADJUTANT GENERAL
WASHINGTON, D.C 0914PM 7-17-44
PAUL AND PATRICIA HAN NEW YORK NY
THE SECRETARY OF WAR DESIRES ME TO EXPRESS HIS DEEPEST REGRET THAT YOUR SON PRIVATE FIRST CLASS PETER JISUNG HAN WAS KILLED IN ACTION ON SEVEN JUNE IN FRANCE. LETTER FOLLOWS.
ULIO THE ADJUTANT GENERAL
My great grandmother Patricia Han received the death notice at the same time as my Great Uncle Peter’s last letter. The mailman brought it to the door of their brownstone rather than leaving it in their mailbox having known the family for decades. My great grandfather found her sitting on the stoop that evening when he got home, both pieces of paper still clutched in her hands as she cried right there outside the door. The loss of my great uncle affected my family greatly. My own grandfather, his brother, Paul Jihoon Han, rarely spoke of him, but when he did there was a great sadness in his eyes. I think he felt responsible for his little brother’s death even though there was nothing he could have done.
The obvious hole in my family led me to start digging. I wanted to learn more about Peter Jisung Han, the bright eyed boy from the family pictures at my grandfather’s house. I found his journal tucked away in the attic with these letters he sent my great grandmother during his time in the army. It’s obvious that she took good care of them and looked at them often before she died. They were tied up in a blue ribbon that was a little frayed and placed in a tin box. I was in my second year of my history degree at the same college my great grandfather and then my grandfather taught at, Hunter College.
Reading these letters and his journal, I learned the importance of primary sources. Here in my hands I held a first hand account of a soldier’s life during World War II, a Korean-American soldier, a gay soldier. That soldier was my great uncle and his story inspired me to find others. First, I needed to tell his story. The story of a nineteen year old who wanted to become a cartoonist or comic book artist, who faced racism during his service, who found a family on the front lines, who loved a man and wanted a future with him. As his great grand niece who only has the opportunities she does because of sacrifices like his, I wanted to share his hope, even if it was short lived.
The beginning of this book is a collection of his journal entries and letters. He always tried to stay positive and hopeful for his mother, but the journal entries lend an important context and juxtaposition to them. War is hard and awful and traumatic. It builds bonds and breaks them. It can give you love and take it away. Next, I will tell you what I know of their last days. The last days of my Great Uncle Peter and his found family. Christopher Bahng, Bennie Seo, Sam Hwang, Felix Lee, Sky Kim, Bobby Yang, and, especially, Mickey Lee. I’m sorry it’s not a happy ending, but it is a real one.
To compile the chain of events of those last days, I reached out to the families of my great uncle’s friends, all across the United States and as far away as Australia. After decades these families are now coming together to tell the stories of their lost sons. I was provided with journals, death announcements and the letters that followed them, and photos. Some stories were shared through the oral history of the families and members of those families were kind enough to share them with me. Some of them had searched for their son’s, brother’s, uncle’s friends before me. Luckily, my Great Uncle Jisung loved to share as much detail as he could with his mother and I had all the last names and even some birthdays to help my search.
It started in the early morning of June 6, 1944. Peter and his friends piled into one of the boats used to transport soldiers to the beaches. We don’t really know how or why, but their Australian friends ended up on the same beach. Perhaps in the confusion of the landing or due to the boats hitting land further up the beach than planned. They found each other and stuck together in the deluge of fire from atop the cliffs. Bullets and artillery shells rained down on Omaha Beach as soldiers ran forward into the open field. This beach saw the highest casualties of the invasion, losing more men than all the other beaches combined.
What I determined is that not long into that initial run, Peter was shot. Caught by one of the many bullets bombarding the oncoming invasion. It seems that the whole group of them stopped and desperate attempts were made to stop the bleeding. In Bobby’s journal, he wrote about Minho’s shattered sobs as he clutched my great uncle’s body. Felix and Sky tried their best to help with the medical training they had, but to no avail. Somehow the group pulled Mickey away and they continued up the beach. The push was hard and about half way up, a mortar fell in their direction. It seems Bennie tried to pull Felix out of the way, but the Australian died on impact and Bennie was left heavily burnt.
Bennie’s last letter details how Mickey all but dragged him up the beach from where he sustained the injury. Their group keeps running until Sam throws himself onto a grenade that landed near them, supposedly shoving Sky away from him. Sky’s leg was still caught in the blast and Chris and Bobby helped him continue up the beach. The injured man sobbing as they pulled him away, as written in his own journal in the days that followed. That first day on the beach though would take one more victim. As they approached the cover of the cliffs, just before the Germans had fully pulled back, Chris must have seen it before anyone else did because he stepped in front of Bobby taking a bullet that would have surely killed him.
Mickey took charge then, somehow through the grief, he was able to get the remaining four of them through the day until the troops set up their camp. Bennie and Sky were immediately taken to the medical tents, while Mickey and Bobby were sent back into the field immediately still physically unharmed. It is at this time that the group is completely separated from each other. Four lost on the landing and four surviving.
Mickey and Bobby are sent out with their unit the following days, working with their fellow soldiers to push back the Germans and gain traction. In the elder’s journals, all he spoke of was his lost future at this time. It’s no surprise when only three days later he dies in a gunfight, valiantly drawing fire and holding the line as the rest of his unit pulls back to safety. Bobby says he died with a smile on his face as if he was happy to finally rejoin his lost love in his journal entry that night. The younger passes in a quieter fashion. There’s no official diagnosis, but the clinical detached tone of his writing at the time and the cause of his death lead me to believe he was suffering from shell shock. Watching each of his friends pass away in front of his eyes in such tragic ways clearly weighed on him and Chris’s sacrifice constantly rang in his mind. There is not much known about his end beyond that he was shot six days after Mickey’s blaze of glory. Bobby had gotten separated from his unit and was found later that day. Gone too soon.
Bennie and Sky never leave the medical tents. Sky loses his leg. The doctors decide it needed to be amputated after an evaluation of the damage done by the grenade blast. Unfortunately, though the amputation is successful and he should have survived, he develops an infection and passes away on the twentieth of June after a long fight with the illness. Bennie is badly burnt on half of his body, but that should have healed over time. Reading his journal from the time, it is obvious he’d lost his will to live. The impact of losing his friends, not being able to save Felix, someone he held dear, was too great. The news of each new death shatters him, I think. He stopped eating after he got the news about Bobby. While the doctors and nurses did all they could for him, Bennie slowly wasted away until his passing on the twenty-sixth of June. The last of his friends to die.
A group of hopeful, young men who loved each other like family torn apart by war. Bobby was only nineteen when he died. Peter, Felix, and Sky never saw their twentieth birthday. Chris was halfway to twenty three. A group of boys who should’ve been running the halls of a university together ended up running up the beaches of Normandy. Promising futures snuffed out one by one until all that was left were their words. My great uncle died before he got the chance to tell his family about Mickey. His friends never got to meet his mother who they all loved so dearly despite never meeting her. My great grandmother died 5 years ago. I wish she could’ve known that each of those families still has the good luck charms she sent those boys. They are passed down as family heirlooms, cherished by the generations that followed.
I like to believe that if my Great Uncle Peter and his friends had survived, he’d have had an apartment in New York with Mickey living peacefully and happily into their old age. They would’ve traveled the country and the globe to see their friends. Maybe Felix and Chris would’ve immigrated to the United States to be closer to them. I like to think that the families would’ve merged, the holidays huge events with more people than can fit in any house. Today, I stay in touch with several members of the current generation. Chris’s great grand nephews, Felix’s great grand niece, Sam’s cousin’s grand nieces, Bennie’s great grand nephew, Bobby’s grand niece and nephew, and Minho’s cousin’s great grand nephew. All of us were shaped by the holes left in our families and now we work to rebuild the bond they had all those years ago.
I hope I’m able to make him proud.