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Grief can be a gradual feeling.
An empty sort of sadness at first. Surface level. Then, a scent that reminds you of them, returning to a place you'd been with them, too many quiet nights thinking about all of the things you'd done together. It adds up, a pile so big you can't see the top anymore, let alone reach it. Even when you think it's reached its limit, it always finds a way to fit more.
And then on some inconspicuous day, the entire pile plummets. It crushes you. You feel every individual little sting all over again, all at once. You feel the grief.
It was a poorly timed joke that had set Dewdrop off.
⸸
During the early hour rehearsal sessions, more time is spent goofing off than actually practicing. Especially when Papa isn't there.
"Come on, Rain. It's one song!" Phantom plead, clasping their hands together as if it'd make the proposition more convincing. Dew was hardly paying any attention to their conversation, busy fiddling with the knobs on his guitar, despite It having been tuned perfectly since they'd arrived earlier.
"Like I said, even if Papa wanted to play it, it's not him you need to convince. The Clergy decides the setlists." Rain reminded them, mildly aggravated with their insistence, but clearly amused all the same.
Phantom sighed dramatically, slumping over. Rain shook his head with a poorly contained laugh just as Mountain spoke up, equally amused at their antics.
"I'll play Missilia Amori with you, bug."
Phantom's entire demeanor lit up as they gasped. "Yes! Mountain is officially the smartest ghoul, it's decided. Unanimously."
"What! Objection!" Swiss interjected, throwing his arms up in mock offense.
"You could just start playing it between songs," Cirrus chimed in, petting the hair of a very sleepy Aurora laid in her lap. "Aether always seemed to get away with it."
Dew paused his movements instantly, now attuned to their discussion.
"Well, he didn't exactly get away with it. He's in the pit for a reason." Swiss quips, lips curled into the same smirk he wears every time he jokes about something he shouldn't.
Dew had abruptly thrown his guitar to the floor before he even registered the comment. He'd started walking out of the room before he realized everyone had gone completely silent. He'd felt a burning sensation in his palms before he noticed his sharp nails aggressively digging into them. He'd arrived at the lake outside of the Abbey before he thought about where he was going.
⸸
He's not sure how long he's been sitting here. It feels like it's been both minutes and days. The water is almost still. It ripples occasionally when a fish comes up to eat an unsuspecting insect that's landed on the surface.
He doesn't notice Rain approaching, but he sees his reflection in the water. Long dark hair, light blue horns almost blending in with the sky's reflection.
He looks like he's hesitating. Rain is not one for hesitance. A thorough planner, Dew is convinced he meticulously plots every step he takes most days. Even when he trips or stumbles, he comes back from it so easily, like he'd made sure to plan the mistakes too. Some sort of genius scheme to make everyone believe he's not actually as perfect as he seems.
A hand on his shoulder startles him out of his thoughts. He flinches violently.
Rain doesn't pull back. Doesn't even react. He just lowers himself beside Dew, keeping the hand on his shoulder and the other slowly gliding through damp blades of grass.
The silence doesn't go on for long.
"Do you want to talk about what happened?" Rain asks quietly.
"Nothing happened." Dew's voice comes out harsh and scratchy, as if he's been crying. He doesn't remember crying.
The disbelieving look Rain gives him would be comical in any other circumstance.
"Right." Rain moves his hand to Dew's lower back, running his hand in slow circles over the fabric of his shirt. "Just tell me what's going on."
A part of Dew hates this. Hates the comforting touch, the patient voice, the utter safety he feels in the presence of the other. Even though Rain is self admittedly not very good at navigating serious conversations, he does it anyway. Dew hates the knowledge that for whatever reason, anything he wants in the world, Rain would do it for him. And he'd gladly return the favor, of course, but that's different in his mind.
Every time he's felt this with anyone before, he's lost them. They've left, or disappeared without warning, or died. The feeling of comfort and safety and unconditional love is always followed by the worst anger and frustration and despair he's ever felt. And then it repeats.
After Aether, he'd considered figuring out a way to send himself back. Anything to be with him again, even just see him again. If it weren't for his pack, who he'd never want to hurt in the same way he's experienced, he likely would've done it. It still crosses his mind every now and then.
"Droplet," Rain interrupts his thoughts again. Dew can hear the concern in his voice. He avoids looking at him, doesn't want to see it in his eyes too.
"Would you fight the Clergy?" Dew asks abruptly.
Rain is taken aback. He takes a moment to reply, studying Dew for any indication of what he's implying. "What?"
"If the Clergy decided your time was over, and they don't need you anymore, and they tried to send your ass back to the Pit. Would you fight back?"
Rain hesitates again, clearly doesn't know what to say. "I don't... think I would win, if I tried." It's a cheap answer. A copout. Realistic, sure, because although any ghoul could easily take on multiple Clergy members, it's not that easy. No ghoul would be sent back if it were that easy. He doesn't want a realistic answer, he's experienced the realistic answers enough.
"But you'd try? You wouldn't just sit there and let them take you away?"
"Dew-"
"You'd fight back, yell for me, for us, beg for us to help you, plead with them to not take you away-"
"I don't know!" Rain snaps, raising his voice, promptly cutting Dew's rambling short. His eyes almost immediately soften again, and his hands come up to cup both sides of Dew's face. "Look, I know you miss him-"
"Stop," Dew demands, but there's no bite behind it.
"But you know what happens." Rain continues anyway. "You know none of us can stay here forever. We all know that."
Of course Dew knows that. He's never understood why, apart from the fact that ghouls really are seen as disposable to the Clergy. If any of them aren't exactly what they want at any given moment, they're sent back without hesitation. It's scary and disorienting being summoned here in the first place, he can only imagine how horrible it must feel to return. Each new Papa gets more and more protective of the ghouls, and Copia really tried his best to keep Aether and Sunshine around, but there isn't much convincing he can successfully do.
"I don't want you to go," Dew whispers, voice so small it's hardly audible.
Rain has, in Dew's opinion, foolishly chosen to love him. He's chosen to love him for everything he is and everything he ever has been. And Dew loves him all the same, but it's so easy to love Rain. Loving him comes naturally. There's no struggle warming up to him or getting used to his personality. He's nice enough that he's fairly easy to befriend, but not too nice, not at all a pushover. He's honest, doesn't sugarcoat, but never says anything with true malice. Of course he has his own struggles and his own deeply rooted secrets that take some time to discover, everybody does, but he's an easy person to love because he never makes it difficult. Stress-free, almost effortless.
Dew is a commitment, someone you have to put so much time and effort into. Someone you have to unravel slowly, getting caught on hurdles and drawbacks so frequently he's not sure anyone could ever fully get to the center of him, there's just not enough time in the world. He likes to think that he's nice enough, he certainly isn't cruel or mean; but he doesn't open up quickly, and he isn't easy to be open with. His emotions fluctuate so much he can't discern them half the time. He isn't very good at comforting the others, doesn't give good advice. He wasn't even good at being a water ghoul, had to be forced into an element that the Clergy thought better suited him.
"I keep losing you," Rain's voice brings him back once again, icy hands still holding his face like it's something delicate.
Dew blinks, met with those familiar enchanting blue eyes slightly obscured by long lashes. "What?"
"You're thinking too much. Talk to me."
He wants to forget about this whole situation, embarrassed enough about his outburst and now extra embarrassed about how emotional he's being. If it were anyone else, he'd defend them, give the whole 'emotions are normal' spiel. He hates when it's himself. His own emotions don't feel nearly as excusable.
But he doesn't want to be difficult. Doesn't want to make Rain worry more than he already is. He loved Ifrit, Terzo, loved Aether even more. He loves all of the ghouls, all of the Papas. Losing any of them hurts. But he truly feels that if he were to lose Rain, it'd be like losing a part of his own soul. A loss he doesn't think he could ever come back from. The fear consumes him sometimes, knowing it's inevitable. Something he can't stop.
"I'd fuckin' kill anyone that tries to take you back." Dew declares with tears welling in his eyes, desperately trying to ignore the one that escapes and falls.
Rain laughs, a genuine, breathy huff of amusement at the statement. "I don't want to lose you, either." He swipes at the tear that snuck down Dew's cheek with a thumb, then presses a kiss to his lips, soft and sweet and full of reassurance. "Swiss wanted you to know he's sorry, by the way. Cirrus, too, but I'm sure she'll tell you herself."
Dew rolls his eyes and pulls back. "What, Swiss can't?"
Rain grabs both of his hands, holding them in his lap as he rubs his thumbs in circles on them. "You know he misses Aether too. We all do. What happened here?" He questions as a thumb passes over small nicks in Dew's palm, dried blood crusted over them.
"My nails," He answers offhandedly, "And Aether was his glorified fuck-buddy. It's hardly the same." Dew mumbles. He knows he's being unfair, the others are allowed to miss him just as much. They're a pack, and they're all dealing with loss in their own way. Swiss jokes about Sunny frequently, it's how he copes. He means no harm. But Dew also knows that what he had with Aether was unlike anyone else's relationship with him.
"It's not the same," Rain agrees, absently wiping the blood off Dew's hands with a splash of lake water. Always so aggravatingly considerate. "But he still loved him. You think if you got sent back, I'd be the only one to miss you? Just because we have a different bond?"
"If anything, you'd miss me the least. Wouldn't have to deal with me all the time." It was meant to be a joke, but when Rain's face morphs into something like an offended look, he knows he fucked up.
"Dewdrop."
"Come on, I was kidding-"
"You think I'm dealing with you?"
"I mean, is that not what this is? I threw a tantrum, decided to be an asshole, whatever- and now you have to deal with the consequences of my actions."
Rain stares, stunned. Like he can't believe Dew would ever think something like that. The silence is deafening.
"Do you even hear what you're saying?" Rain finally speaks after what feels like more than an eternity. "You got upset, rightfully so, and I want to make sure you're okay. Nothing about this is inconvenient to me. I want to be here for a reason."
Dew pushes his luck. "Because you're crazy?"
Rain smacks his arm half-heartedly. "No, dickhead, it's because I love you. I love you, and I love everything that comes with you. I don't want to fix you, I don't want you to change for me, I just want to be with you."
"...Because you're crazy." He affirms.
"You're going to see crazy very soon, if you don't watch your mouth." Rain retorts, but Dew can see the corner of his lip twitching in amusement.
"Mm, don't threaten me with a good time." Dew smiles at him, flashing one of his fangs.
"I'm laying my heart out for you and all you can think about is getting laid. I should've seen this coming." Rain is fully smiling now, can't keep it contained.
Dew's never been very good at accepting the love he's given. Sometimes he worries that Ifrit, and especially Aether, left not knowing just how appreciative Dew really was of them. He's never been an emotionally distant mate, by any means, just one that's never been good with words, never been able to verbalize his gratitude.
He doesn't want to worry about that with Rain. Doesn't want to risk regretting not saying what the other deserves to hear.
"Thank you," He forces it out quickly, like there's a time limit for this sort of thing. There is, in a way, but he tries not to let his mind wander again. "I love you."
Rain's usually impassive exterior fades for just a moment, a blink and you'll miss it sort of emotion twinkling in his eye.
"I know you do, firefly. But thanks for saying it." He's never doubted it, not once, but it's nice to hear regardless. He bumps his forehead against Dew's, eyes closed, a low trill emitting from his throat.
This is a love language that Dew is fluent in. Soft touches, reassuring hand squeezes, tight hugs, gentle kisses. It's what he knows how to show best.
He shifts, presses a kiss to the tip of Rain's nose, then abruptly throws his arms around him, trapping him in a borderline death grip hug and pulling him to the ground. Rain laughs, unabashedly and loud this time, an extremely rare sound and probably Dew's absolute favorite to hear.
He feels at least content knowing that they'll be okay, for now. Nothing could ever make him miss those they've lost any less, and he's pretty sure one more sly comment about Aether will get Swiss sent to the infirmary; but he's always endured, and he'll continue to.