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An-chan hasn’t been scrambling like everyone else today. She’s just sitting there, nails digging deeper into the stressball, staring at her blank computer screen like it just insulted her mother. Everyone who’s gone up to her she’s blown up at, so they’ve all just left her to it at this point. I don’t think anyone blames her exactly, we’re all stressed out. They’ve said they’re relying on her, and I don’t think she believes it. But we really need her help, don’t we? Maybe I should… at least try to get through to her. I’m not worth as much, so if she yells at me, it’s not so bad. I just want her to be okay again.
The clouds are getting darker outside. I can feel the threat of it looming, and I try to take a deep breath and disentangle the knot in my stomach. If I can just get An-chan back to work, we’ll figure out what the problem is, and we won’t have to keep dying. I don’t know how many more we’ve got left. It’s scary. But I can fix it, I just have to convince her. I can fix it. I can help her fix it!
Another deep breath, and I start walking over to her. I’m not going to tap her on the shoulder, because last time that happened she said the next person to do it would come away with a broken hand, so I just call her name.
“What,” she says, and it doesn’t really sound like a question.
“Just! Checking in. Um. Are you okay?”
An-chan tilts her head in an are-you-stupid kind of way. “Take a wild fucking guess.”
I don’t really have to guess. I know.
“I guess I mean more, what’s wrong?”
She frowns, and she facepalms, and then she swings around to face me properly. She looks away from me, steepling her fingers at her chin. She doesn’t look at me as she speaks, though at least her body is facing me.
“You really, really wanna know?”
“Yes!” I exclaim, not really ready to say much else.
“They hate me. I know they hate me. You all do. There’s some sort of plot going on, I can smell it.”
The more she says, the more it hurts. I put a hand to my chest.
“That’s not true!”
“Isn’t it?”
I start to doubt myself. I guess I can’t really read their minds, but I can at least speak for myself. And maybe I’ll talk to the rest of the team about it later, if I can find any proof. Ah… that sounds a bit weak. I should believe her, shouldn’t I? But I can’t think the others are against her, either, that’s not like them.
“I don’t hate you,” I say, and it’s quieter than I thought it’d be. Quieter than I’d like it to be.
“I’m supposed to believe that, am I?”
“I don’t hate you!” is louder this time. “I really truly think you’re…” and I struggle a little. I’m not really sure why. “Valuable. And I think the others see it too. And I think you’re stressed, s-so-”
“So? Please. I know what’s going on, so fuck off. Leave me alone.”
“I don’t want to!” and I feel like I might cry. “I don’t want to leave you alone,” and it comes out choked. It feels like the wrong words, I know they’re the wrong words, but I can’t say the right ones. I don’t know what they are. She’s looking up at me, with a different are-you-stupid kind of look this time, and she scoffs.
“God, you’re annoying.”
I don’t want to be annoying. I want… I want her to be happy again. But I know she can’t be until we get out of this. And I know we can’t get out of this without her helping. So I have to be annoying, just for a little while, and I have to help her.
“I’m sorry,” I say, and I can’t look at her when I say it. I’m staring at the floor beneath her feet.
“You’re mumbling,” she points out, and I scrunch my eyes closed.
“I’m sorry!” I squeak out, and it sounds really silly, and I can’t do it. “... Need you.”
“Come again?”
I flounder for a moment. That wasn’t what I’d meant to say. I can fix it, right?
“I, uh, I said we need you. Please, we can’t get this fixed without you.”
An-chan puts her head in one hand. “I know,” as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. Hope starts to swell in my chest.
“Then you’ll help?”
“Did I say that? No, of course I’m not gonna help. This whole thing is moronic, and I say let it die. No more tomorrows, no more future, nada. The whole thing’s a bust, and I refuse to prolong it.”
No way… she doesn’t seriously believe that, does she? That’s so. That’s so. And I feel the tears in my eyes again. If she doesn’t think they can- doesn’t think they should fix it, are they just doomed? Does she want everyone to die? Does she want me to die?
“Oi. Stop that.”
I try to apologise, but nothing comes out. I’m just crying now. Maybe it was better to not try. But I want to talk to her, I want to try to get through to her. I want to connect. Thunder cracks in the distance and I cover my ears. I think An-chan is trying to talk to me, but I can’t hear it. I’m scared. I don’t want to. I don’t want to. I’m sorry.
Maybe I should just leave. I can barely see through my tears, but I bow to her and walk away. I find an empty room, and I lean against a wall, and I slide down it. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew how to help. I wish I could keep her safe.