Chapter Text
"She is gone but she used to be mine and it's not what I asked for. Sometimes life just slips in through back door, carves out the person and makes you believe it's so true. And now I've got you and you're not what I asked for. If I'm honest I know I would give it all back for a chance to start over. Rewrite an ending or two for the girl that I knew."
The warmth splashing across her pale skin was a welcomed feeling. The curtains were parted in just the right places for the fresh sunshine to catch the drifting dust particles and lighten the room, dancing its way across the raven girl’s porcelain face. The mornings when the brain awakens before the body are something to be experienced; your eyelids stay peacefully shut and your limbs motionless. In that exact moment you are at peace, unaware of the past or future.
Ryder inhaled deeply, letting fresh, cool air travel into her lugs and wake her sleeping body. She rubbed her cheek against the silk pillowcase, allowing the memories to drip back into her as if they were single droplets of rain during a spring shower. The coolness of the bedsheets mixed with the warmth of the sun created the perfect cocoon for her to spend her days. The woman knew she could lay here uninterrupted for hours until someone would quietly peek through the door to check on her.
Her hands slowly slid along the bed only to be met with empty spaces surrounding her. Her feet untangled themselves from the pale lilac sheet before the blankets fell from her completely. It was only then, when a quick rush of brisk air nipped at her, that her eyes fluttered open.
The room was crisp with morning vibes and fresh flowers on the bedside table; a mix of lemon yellow and stark white daisy’s floating in a vase of water. If Ryder tried hard enough she swore she could smell their natural perfume. With a lazy roll onto her back, her midnight tinted locks sprawled in every direction beneath her. Ryder lay like a starfish in the middle of the bed, eyes trained on the boringly white ceiling above her.
“I’m going to tear you down; break you into so many pieces that you’ll never be able to be whole again.”
Her eyes shut mechanically at the memory; a recognizable unhappiness exuding from her pores. It had only been two weeks and she was not expecting the array of unwanted feelings to dissipate anytime soon. Months of being held against her will; she witnessed her own memories fade with every passing minute, the iron smell of blood fresh in her nostrils and the screams still echoing through her ears. It was not something a person would recover from quickly, if at all.
With yet another deep breath, Ryder pushed herself up with her palms; waist sliding backwards to meet the edge of the fluffy pillows. An oversized, borrowed tee hung loosely from her petite frame; a pair of black sweatpants that once fit perfectly now slid down her waist, forcing her to tie the waist strings in a double knot. The girl’s knees came up to meet her chest, arms wrapping loosely around to hold them in place. Her eyes shifted to the right where the curtains were half drawn. To the left, a bare desk with nothing but an alarm clock flashing 8:08. Across the room, a vacated chair was wedged in the corner. There was a half folded blanket placed atop and a crooked pair of sneakers below. Ryder did not need to question who they belonged to.
As a reluctant sigh drifted between her lips, the woman slid stiffly to the edge of the bed, teetering on her heels before standing up fully. The tee swallowed her whole when her arms reached above her head to stretch the ridged muscles in her back. She pulled her uncut hair over one shoulder and padded across the room; avoiding the full length mirror. Her dainty fingers held to the door knob while she listened to the sounds of the house through the closed door. There were mumbles coming from the direction of the kitchen, the sound of water running and pans clanking.
Ryder pulled at the hem of her tee, allowing it to consume her and the physical secrets it hid. With one light tug, she pulled the door open and tiptoed into the hallway. Following the sound of the noise, she soon emerged into the kitchen. Hovering in the doorway, she saw Schmidty, Denver and Niall surrounding the table and chatting concussively. Hattie was perched on a stool at the breakfast bar, a cup of tea warming her palm. The girls dim ember hair hung on her cheeks, eyes trained to the book in front of her. Addison flitted in front of the stove, a wooden spoon in one hand as she cooked what sounded like eggs sizzling against the heat. Her newly chopped locks were too short for the pony she tried and were falling into her eyes and over her shoulders. They all would have gone about their business if Ryder had not been spotted.
“Morning. I made some eggs and toast if you’re hungry.” Addie smiled sweetly once she caught Ryder’s attention, blowing air upwards to push hair from her eyes. “Have a seat?” She flung her spoon in the direction of the empty stools at the bar, some escaping egg falling to the floor at her feet as she hurried to make the girl a cup of tea.
Ryder cautiously walked along the tile, choosing the seat furthest away from anyone. She avoided eye contact but knew they were all watching her, especially the blonde who slowly rose from his seat to greet her. “Did you sleep alright?” Niall spoke lowly and soft as he walked up to the counter across from her. It pained him to not be able to kiss her like he used to do every morning just months ago, but he retained his distance. The girl kept her head down but shifted her sunken eyes to look up at him, a small nodding motion giving him an answer.
Hattie watched their exchange from the cover of her book. Addison listened with a prying ear and a turned back. The two men at the table were hushed and exchanging telling stares.
“Are you feeling any better?” Addison slid up next to Niall, sliding a crisp white plate of golden fluffy eggs, a single slice of toast, and a light blue cup towards her. Ryder’s stare stayed trained on the picture perfect presentation of her breakfast until Niall carefully placed a fork near her right hand. The woman looked up, giving a half gracious smile to the two intently watching her. “I can make you something else if you want?” Addison had not hesitated to cater to Ryder’s every need since she was brought home; doing all her washing, picking Niall’s brain for her favorite foods, offering her ice cream every night and an open ear if she finally wanted to talk. Ryder quickly picked up the fork, twirling it between her fingers before picking at the eggs. The cook’s shoulders relaxed as the girl took a small bite. It was worrying for all to see Ryder’s current physical condition and Addie took it upon herself to nurse the girl’s body back to health. Her mind however, was a different story.
Niall stood in place at the edge of the marble counter across from his girlfriend. He watched her every move; the fork moving the eggs around the plate more than towards her mouth, the way she nibbled on the corner of the bread like a rabbit. Whether his eyes drifted towards or naturally or he purposely watched to make sure she actually ate, he had observed her at every meal for the past two weeks. The girl who once out ate him at a BBQ barely touched her food anymore, arranging it into shapes instead of eating. He understood that it would take time for her to regain her appetite, for her stomach to be able to handle a proper meal instead of throwing it up less than an hour later.
“Morning Raven.” Schmidty placed his mug into the sink before flashing Ryder a cheeky smile and wink. Her eyes lit up for a split second at the use of her childhood nickname before they hastily faded back to their dull green. The cardigan clad man gave a reassuring pat on Niall’s shoulder, “I’m headed down to my office if you want to finish that lesson from yesterday.”
“Or you can join me for some morning yoga.” Denver pushed up from his place at the table, a smirk meant to lighten the mood spread across his face as all eyes turned wide on him. “What? It increases my flexibility which is a win win for everyone if you know what I mean.” He wiggled his eyebrows at Hattie which caused her to scoff disgustingly.
“Do not talk about your sex life at the breakfast table!” Addison scolded the man even though he held her in both age and height. Denver only rolled his eyes as he placed his dishes on the counter, scooting between Schmidty and Addison to dodge out of the room.
“I’ll see you in the office then?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there in a second.” Niall brushed the taller man off, his focus turning back to Ryder. “You’ll be alright? I’m just downstairs if you need me.” The blonde had been weary to let his girlfriend out of his sight but took the cues that she needed her space. In the two weeks they had been reunited, Niall had not been able to touch her let alone come within a foot of her. He hadn’t even heard her once familiar voice.
The first night he had her back in his life was a blurry daze for everyone. He was the first to arrive back to the penthouse, Ryder, Hattie and Schmidty in tow. He abandoned the rest of the Sins in order to get Ryder to safety, Liam’s words ringing in his ears between gunshots and yells. Ryder was in shock as he carried her bridal style into the living room, setting her as cautiously as possible on the couch. Addison quickly took over, examining the confused girl for any injuries. Beyond the obvious cuts, bruises and her ankle, Addie gave her greenlight and suggested a bath before getting her to bed.
This was where Niall was outnumbered. He carried the girl to the luke warm water Addison had prepared but was then kicked out of the room. “Give her some privacy, yeah?” Addison pitied the broken couple but insisted on Niall allowing his girlfriend an ounce of modesty after what she had been through. Addie knew it was for both of their sakes; sparing the boy from the heart breaking images she would soon see. The boy sat right outside the closed bathroom door, finally allowing himself to absorb everything the night had just thrown at him; finally allowing the tears to fall.
With Bexley’s help, the two woman carefully peeled away Ryder’s torn clothing, trying not to gasp at the cuts, bruises, scrapes and finger imprints spread across her skin; a worrying glance being exchanged when they saw the words carved in scratchy, messy writing over her hip. They slowly helped her into the water, Ryder’s stare blank and un-interactive. With easy hands they ran water through her hair while soft washcloths scrubbed away pieces of the past mixed with her own blood, turning the water a flushed pink color.
Niall stayed up all night watching her, perched in his chair in the corner of the room. She looked so tiny and helpless in the big bed, being overcome by the duvet. Ryder instantly fell asleep after Addie tucked her in, not waking until early evening the next day. That didn’t stop her from squirming and moaning in her sleep though, each movement causing Niall to jump to attention in concern. He wanted nothing more than to climb into bed next to her, to hold her safe against his chest and calm her. He wanted to run his fingers through her hair and down her cheek; to listen to her heartbeat and feel her warm breathe on his skin. He ached for the memories and burned for the opportunity to take away her pain.
The kitchen was left in an awkward state once Niall worked up the nerve to leave his girlfriend’s company. Addison was now cleaning up, a soapy sponge glued to her hand as the tap ran hot. She stole the occasional glance at the raven haired girl, only to check that she was still there. Hattie kept her stare sandwiched between the pages of her book even though her attention was elsewhere. She frequently brought the cup of tea to her lips in an excuse to catch her childhood friend in the corner of her eye.
Ryder kept her head down, shoulders slumped forward and hair hiding one side of her face. The fork occasionally scraped across the plate while she pushed her food from side to side. She was able to eat about half her toast, which was an accomplishment in itself. The timid woman could feel the uncomfortable air surrounding her while the three went about their lives.
“I’m-I’m going to go see him today if you want to come…” Addison broke the silence when she put the last plate back into the cupboard. She turned to look at Ryder but was met with no response. “I would really love it if you would come with me.” She coaxed in her sweetest tone. The newly appointed homemaker had been trying all week but never wanted to pressure Ryder into doing anything she didn’t want to do. The woman shot Hattie a ‘help me’ glare but only received shrugged shoulders. “I think it would be really good for you to see him.”
Ryder swallowed the last bit of her tea, the room temperature liquid coating her sore throat. There was so much history playing into her decision on whether or not to see her brother. After all, he was her only brother and she had not seen him in over three years but everything that had happened recently was just too much to handle. Ryder couldn’t help but blame herself for what happened to Liam; if she hadn’t gotten involved with Harry in the first place they wouldn’t be in this situation. If she hadn’t run from her family maybe she would have never been taken. If she had fought harder maybe she could have escaped. The maybes of her entire life weighed heavy on her.
“I’m leaving in an hour or so if you change your mind.” Addison gave one last pitiful smile to Ryder before throwing in the towel, both physically and metaphorically. Everyone had been tip toeing around the girl, for obvious reasons, Addie being no exception. Hattie, on the other hand, was conflicted on how to proceed with Ryder back in her life. The girl she once told everything to, who she planned a future with, was now at an unreachable length even though she sat at the opposite end of the breakfast bar. The two friends exchanged no words, only pitiful glances and mutual feelings of awkwardness.
Hattie struggled between feeling sorry for her and holding onto the feelings of being abandoned by her all those years ago. Ryder left her alone to deal with the struggles of being in this line of work, to deal with their over-bearing, controlling parents. Hattie was forced to put a stop to all the dreams Ryder put into her mind; the ideas of being able to escape, of having a normal life with her best friend. Deep down, the red head knew Ryder’s intentions were to never hurt her but it was all too easy for Hattie to hold a grudge now.
With the tense air surrounding the two, Hattie wasted no time in closing her book, emptying her tea and avoiding eye contact as she left the room. When she was finally alone, the raven girl pushed her plate forward, listening to it scratch against the counter. An icy chill ran up her spine at the noise. She wanted nothing more than to be left alone and yet shuddered in fear when she was. For two months she was left with nothing but her thoughts, her memories, and it all but ruined her and even now, with a silent voice she was crying out for company.
&&&&
“You look ghastly. Still not sleeping?” Schmidty typed away at his small desk while Niall perched himself in the corner, peeking over the taller man’s shoulder at the screen.
“Only a few hours here and there.” As if on cue, the boy yawned mid-sentence. “She’s tossing and turning all night and the nightmares are not getting any better.”
“Have you tried talking to her about them?”
“She won’t talk to me about anything let alone what happened.” Niall’s voice reeked of tiredness, of desperation. “I can’t even get too close without her flinching.”
“I’ve noticed…”
“What am I supposed to do?” The two men weren’t necessarily close but the blonde was so shut down and wretched from his failed tries with Ryder. He figured out of everyone, she would open up to him; allow him to comfort her and protect her, to help. But Ryder had shut everyone out. The girl who made smart-ass remarks; who smiled at every person walking down the street and invaded Niall’s personal space at all hours was nowhere to be seen. The boy was seeking guidance and advice from anyone who would offer. “I’m trying to give her space and time but I can’t hold on for much longer.”
“I don’t know what to tell you. She’s been through something horrific, life changing. You can’t expect her to just come round in a few weeks time. Whatever he did to her changed her, you have to let go of the expectation of everything returning to normal.” Schmidty’s fingertips stopped dancing along the keyboard as he turned to Niall. “You have to learn to be with her the way she is now.”
“How can anyone be with her the way she is now!?” Frustration grew in the man’s voice, “I risked my life, I gave up everything to get her back and now…I-I just…She’s here but she’s not. She’s not my Ryder anymore.”
“I don’t know if she ever will be the girl you want her to be anymore.” Schmidty kept his voice calm and tone even, treading lightly with the fragile boy but giving enough truth to help him understand the rough road he was headed down. “I think you need to let go of the idea of things returning to normal. “
“So our new normal is going to be her not talking and me keeping my distance? That’s pretty fucked up.”
“I know.” Sympathy was dripping from the older man’s voice, “It’s fucked. It really is but this is the way things are now. Just go slow with her, there’s got to be a little bit of your Ryder left in there somewhere.”
“I’m not so sure anymore….”
“Get her to talk to you. Make her talk.”
“How the hell am I supposed to do that? She barely even looks at me.”
“I don’t know but I’m sure you’ll think of something. She just needs that little push to open up, to start healing.”
“I really hope you’re right.”
&&&&
“Hattie, make sure you take the chicken out of the oven when the timer goes off.” Addison was pulling her shoes on next to the elevator, grabbing her bag and swinging it over her shoulder. “Please do not forget this time.”
“Yeah yeah…” Hattie lay upside down on one of the white sofas, her feet draped over the back and her ember locks falling to the floor. Her phone lay on her stomach while she stared at the ceiling.
“Are you going to do anything productive today? Maybe go for a walk?”
“Yes mom.”
“Watch it.” Addie gave a quick warning to the girl. Even with only being a year apart in age the two woman’s personalities could not be further from each other. Addie was a true born nurturer, she thrived when taking care of others. While Hattie was a tainted killer, deprived of a childhood and rough around the edges. “I’ll be back in a few hours.”
Just as Addison pushed the button to call the elevator, Ryder snuck around the corner. She had on a pair of torn jeans and ratty sneakers, a long sleeve hoodie covering her skin. She pulled her messy braid to one side as she came into full view, teetering on her heels with a hopeful look in her eyes. Addie couldn’t help the smile the spread across her bright pink lips. “Oh love, I’m so glad you’ve decided to come with me.” This instantly brightened her mood as she held the elevator open for Ryder. “Hattie, tell Niall we’ll be back in a bit!” She hollered just before the doors closed completely.
The car ride was one of the silent variety; Addison quickly winding in and out of traffic, the radio playing softly in the background. Ryder kept her stare out the window, watching the buildings pass by in a blur. She wanted so badly to be herself again and decided today was the day to start getting back to normal. She gathered all her strength, knowing it would be one of the most difficult things she would have to do. She needed to see her brother and could no longer avoid it.
Ryder lagged behind Addison the whole way as she walked along the corridors, dodging people left and right just like she did while driving. The white walls and distinct smell brought back too many memories for the younger girl; the day her mother died and she fell asleep crying in Liam’s arms. Hospitals were never apart of happy memories for Ryder and today wasn’t going to be any exception.
Addison walked through the halls with purpose, knowing exactly which turn to take and what room to walk into. The woman held herself together with such poise it confused Ryder at a time like this. When they entered their destination, Addison quietly shook Bauer awake. He had been sleeping in a chair against the window, his left arm being held in place by a blue sling and white bandages creeping out beneath his shirt collar. The burly man woke like a bear from hibernation, stretching and yawning before sitting up straight. The shock registered on his face when he saw Ryder standing behind the edge of the pulled curtain in the doorway.
“Let’s go get some coffee.” Addison smiled sweetly, looking in the opposite direction as Bauer rose from his chair. “We’ll be back in a little while, take all the time you need.” Addison made a move as if to place a calming hand on Ryder’s shoulders before quickly thinking twice and following Bauer out of the room.
It once again became too quiet for Ryder’s liking, the room only being filled with the steady beeping of machinery. With a shaky breath the girl moved around the curtain to stand at the end of the hospital bed. Tears immediately flooded her iris’, dripping onto her pale cheeks and shirt. The sight before her was almost too much to handle.
Liam lay motionless on his back, a white pillow behind his head and tan blanket pulled up to his waist. His shoulders were relaxed and arms casually at his sides. If Ryder tried hard enough she could almost convince herself he was just asleep; that her strong older brother was not hurt. But the openly displayed bandages across his chest told her a different story; the tube down his throat breathing for him gave her terrible anxiety; the beeping monitor giving her the only signs that he was still alive.
She was motionless, frozen in place for a few minutes. The sight before her breaking her into pieces once again.
After a few moments of the consistent beeping she walked around to the left of the bed, pulling the chair Bauer slept in to the edge.
As silent tears fell she ever so slowly reached up and took Liam’s still warm hand in hers.