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“You’re…” A familiar name sears his tongue with a bitter aftertaste, as if it were once there many years ago. Three, to be exact, since it was last used. Cha Eugene, he wanted to say . Once a member of the K-pop group STier, quickly fell out of the public eye after the team’s disbandment. They were twenty-four.
“Kim Raebin? Is that you?” Even after all those years, kicking back in California he hadn’t forgotten a lick of Korean, though his accent was still rusty and he slurred his words as if to mask his inability to speak it.
Raebin nodded at the sound of his name. An American and a Korean, two ex-idols, reuniting in Kamakura, Japan. What were the chances? He couldn’t help but smile into his scarf that hugged around his neck, the seaside breeze in wintertime producing an even chillier environment than up north in the big city.
Cha Eugene, with his hair a natural shade of black, scratched the back of head with a wide fanged grin. “You still look the same!”
“Not a chance… We’re closer to thirty now than twenty, aren’t we?”
Eugene gestured towards Raebin’s hair. “Your hair’s still the same length though.”
“I guess so.” Raebin chuckled. Brushing his delicate fingers through his medium length raven locks, he quickly moved onto playing with the abundance of jewelry along his ear, fiddling with every hoop and stud. If there was one thing that did change though, was Raebin’s physique—a much sturdier build after being put through the wringer during his military service. Not that Eugene would’ve noticed such differences anyways… “But you on the other hand…”
It was an understatement to say that Eugene looked nothing like the person he was three years ago. Ditching the K-pop lifestyle really did wonders to his hair that was frequently dyed throughout their career. Sporting the same black strands he had during their final comeback, his curls were now as lively and healthy as ever before. A sunkissed tan layered the expanse of his skin and Raebin could spot a tattoo slithering up the backside of his neck, though he was unsure what it was underneath his athletic hoodie.
With outstretched arms, Eugene gave Raebin a little twirl. “Like what you see?”
Raebin playfully shoved him, knitting his brows in mild annoyance. “At least one thing hasn’t changed and it’s that you’re still an idiot.”
“Can’t you be nice to me when it’s been years since I last saw you?”
Pouting won’t earn you any of my sympathy, dumbass… Tugging on his brown messenger bag, Raebin dragged his toes across the gravel and dirt road, arousing a cloud of dust beneath his feet. He was supposed to grab lunch, but it seemed like fate had other plans when he crossed paths with Cha Eugene who was leaned up against the fenced ledge that overlooked the beach. “What are you doing here, anyways?”
“Sightseeing and stuff.”
“Aren’t you quite the tourist.” A sarcastic comment.
“You’re one too, idiot!”
“What, so I’m the idiot now?”
“Of course. Kim Raebin will always be the biggest idiot I know!”
He could hardly remember the last time they bickered like this. Not since their active days. They were extremely common whenever irritation grew strong in the 3 AM dressing rooms at the broadcast stations prior to music show recordings. Times when their blood, sweat, and tears were what connected them, chasing the same dream side by side, hand in hand. The wave of nostalgia was almost enough to rival the ones just in the sea below.
“By the way, are there any nice restaurants around here? I was just about to grab dinner,” Raebin plainly said. He didn’t want to take up any more of Eugene’s time, whether he was travelling alone or with a partner. It was his well-deserved vacation, after all.
Eugene pulled out his phone and handed it to Raebin who received it with both hands. “I was going to eat here! Come join me.”
༄
“How’s the restaurant?” Cha Eugene tugged his teammate by the wrist into the pasta joint that sat across from Namsan tower.
Raebin shrugged indifferently, pulling the baseball cap on his head even lower over his eyes. “Can you even afford this?”
It wasn’t an extremely luxurious restaurant by any means, but the homey Italian styled front and the foreign menu items that had Raebin’s tongue tied were enough to make it clear that he didn’t belong here. Maybe Eugene could help pronounce a word or two—he spoke fluent Spanish. Wasn’t that close enough? Not that Raebin would know…
Cheerful and bright as ever, Eugene puffed out his chest with his hands on his hips. “Kim Raebin, why don’t you just let me spoil you with my first ever STier paycheck.”
They had been here once before when they were trainees, both hailing from outside of Seoul and wanting to take in the sights of the populous city. Things were different now though. Their long awaited debut period had just come to a close, successfully winning them a couple music show awards and a couple thousand albums sold. Lee Sejin and Ryu Chungwoo had family in the city to stay with during their promotional break, but Raebin couldn’t bear the long trip home to the countryside and Eugene wasn’t about to hop onto a plane to San Diego just to come back in a week. He didn’t have that kind of money yet to travel across the ocean whenever he pleased, however, when STier became even more popular, maybe he could. In any case, all he had in the bustling capital was his best friend, Kim Raebin—and all Kim Raebin knew in the big city was Cha Eugene.
After struggling to understand nearly 80% of the menu, stumbling over the Hangul-fied names of alien dishes and various short descriptions below, Raebin had made his pick. He peeked over the menu to see Eugene leaning forward and supporting himself with his arms on the table. There was a teasing and knowing grin on his face forming from ear to ear.
“Have you decided yet?”
Eugene could clearly recognize Raebin’s battle with the menu from his narrowed eyes and frustrated expression. Not wanting to keep his dinner partner busy, he closed the menu and nodded.
“Okay! Don’t regret your pick then.”
And that he did. No, it wasn’t like it was disgusting—it was much better than the corndogs they had here when they were broke trainees in their first year in Seoul—but Raebin must’ve misunderstood a key cultural difference when he was deciding on a plate based on the sauces. Sure, maybe he was just a sheltered country boy who didn’t know a thing or two about the outside world, but did city-grown Koreans like this stuff too? It was so unlike the stews and fermented side dishes he grew up with that his tastebuds were having a tough time adjusting. He looked over to Eugene, who hadn’t started eating yet—surprising considering his big and greedy appetite.
“Kim Raebin, you’re really an idiot, you know?”
“Alright, I get it.”
Eugene swiftly grabbed Raebin’s plate and swapped it with his own. “You can’t work on an empty stomach, just eat mine.”
“Thanks…”
Raebin nibbled the spaghetti, its sweet but savoury taste coating the inside of his mouth. It was just like Eugene to order something like this. He unconsciously broke into a smile.
“Are you sure you’re going to pay for all this though?”
“I’m not a liar!”
“My paycheck was more than yours.”
“Are you bragging?”
It was true though. Raebin even had royalties from writing a couple songs on their debut album. Shouldn’t he be footing the bill?
“Paying for the meal is basic respect after asking someone out on a first date.” Eugene emphasized the word ‘respect’ in his English mother tongue in lieu of figuring out what ‘etiquette’ was in Korean.
“Date?!” Raebin choked out, although it came out muffled from his mouth full of noodles.
“Yeah! Me and you are on a date.”
Raebin swallowed his food hard and pointed his silver fork at Eugene’s face almost like a lethal threat. “Not so loudly…”
Eugene bursted out in laughter seeing Raebin so flustered. “Are you not denying it?”
“I mean, I already know that you like me, but…” Is this what it was? They were dating? Why was this the first time he heard about being in a romantic relationship with his group member. It wasn’t like he rejected him when Eugene had offhandedly confessed his feelings for Raebin when they found themselves alone in the studio a couple weeks prior. He had thought about it for a long time and came up with a billion ways to let Eugene know how he felt, just for him to make up his own (correct) conclusions. Was this just another American thing he didn’t know about?
“Kim Raebin… Don’t tell me I was the only one who thought that we were dating.” Eugene tested the waters slightly, reaching for Raebin’s free hand. Raebin didn’t retract it, allowing Eugene to slide his fingers through its crevices.
“Then let me pay on the second date.”
“A second? You’re already planning the next one?”
“And no touching in public—we’re idols now, not trainees anymore.”
“Noted.” Ironically, Eugene only gripped Raebin’s hand even tighter. The crescents of his eyes were so arched from joy exuding from beneath the visor of his own cap (that mind you, he stole from Raebin’s closet).
“Oh, and give me some time before I think about having se—”
In celebration of their first official day as a couple, the duo hiked up to the tower’s lookout and bought two locks at the convenience store.
“I heard that if you write your names on the lock and tie it up to the bridge that you’ll stay together forever,” Eugene said, undoing a sharpie pen while Raebin watched.
“Yeah, it’s a pretty famous tourist attraction here.”
Eugene messily scrawled five letters onto the metal surface—STier. “I really hope that our group will stay together forever. Me, you, Chungwoo- hyung , Sejin- hyung , and everybody else.”
“Me too.”
Eugene passed the marker to Raebin who was patiently waiting for his turn to write. ‘ChaEug + KimRaeb’ was neatly printed onto the blue lock. Discreet enough, right? He handed over the lock to get Eugene’s approval, a sheepish blush growing on his cheeks.
“As for us, I hope we can stay friends forever.”
His trainee life started with Cha Eugene, and his idol life started with Cha Eugene too.
“You don’t need to worry about me leaving, Raebin.”
If only he knew that everything else would end with Cha Eugene as well.
༄
It was an odd memory that he couldn’t shake, sitting across from Kim Raebin who was briefly going over the menu. The thought of Raebin eating pasta was giving Eugene serious deja vu despite the fact that it wasn’t a one time thing that had happened.
After watching Raeebin fluently order in Japanese—much to Eugene’s surprise because he probably hadn’t used the language since STier was active—Eugene watched as his dining companion dug through his plate, stabbing his fork around the strands of noodle and aiming straight for the artisan meatballs. This was a familiar dish, the same one that Eugene had swapped with Raebin on their first date. He hummed at the coincidence, not wanting to jump to conclusions that Raebin’s choice was intentional, rather that his tastes remained the same.
“I’m glad you’re eating well now.” It’s soft when it leaves his lips but direct with intention.
Raebin raised a brow, not in suspicion rather curiosity. “Why’s that?”
“You would always skip meals to work on music and I would worry about if you were eating or sleeping enough.” Slicing into his meal, Eugene expressed his inner concern, sincerity spilling out. “Here, try some of this.”
Raebin clumsily received the offer, plunging his utensil into Eugene’s unique platter. It had a tomato based sauce but a creamy aspect to its consistency plus an assortment of protein like meatballs and sausages all in one dish. Raebin nibbled on his shy amount of his self-served sample, making Eugene realize that his tastes had become more refined since then. A grin fought its way to the surface.
“So, what have you been up to?”
“After STier?”
Eugene nodded. The last he saw of the elusive Kim Raebin was when they separated at Incheon International Airport, his boarding ticket marked for San Diego. After that were sparse social media updates from Raebin, who truthfully was much too private of a person to share more than a couple tidbits in a year. Their texts were like a barren wasteland that only got an ounce of rain when it was either New Years, Chuseok or their birthdays. Other than that, contact had nearly been a minimum and Eugene could only reminisce about a time when that was just a nightmare that would pass rather than the reality he would come to live in.
“I enlisted right away… but Grandma passed away not long after so I took a temporary leave of absence to be the chief mourner at her funeral.” Raebin bore a calm expression although the mention of his grandmother from the countryside was enough to trigger a painful memory that was better left behind.
“I’m so sorry…”
“It’s okay.”
No, not just for your loss. Eugene was sorry because he should’ve been there to comfort him. He couldn’t bear the thought of Raebin crying alone without a shoulder to lean on. Raebin had a truly soft side to him despite how bluntly he carries himself and it was evident—at least to Eugene—when he was putting up a strong front.
“And you?”
“Me?” Eugene rubbed the bottom of his chin as if deep in thought. “I spent a lot of time depressed when I got back to San Diego, you know.”
“Is that so…”
Another glance taken at Raebin’s expression. It hadn’t changed. A composed demeanor that acted indifferent, but underneath he was dying to ask why. Raebin used to have a mouth that would say whatever was on his mind, especially burning questions, but STier’s latter years had forced Raebin to become more reserved with his words. Their leader had said that it was to prevent any scandals after Lee Sejin withdrew from the team because of the drug arrest, however, it cost repressing Raebin’s thoughts too.
“Yeah! But I ended up working as a mechanic at a car shop that Ethan’s friend runs. Other times, I’m at the surf shop down by the beach.” Ethan, Eugene’s older brother, was somebody that Raebin had heard about and even met a couple times, though it had been much too long to truly recall the details.
“So you still surf?”
Eugene beamed. “Of course! I can still teach you if you want.”
Raebin gently returned the smile. “I’ll be counting on you next time I visit America.”
They went back to eating, The silent company wasn’t uncomfortable by any means, though there was so much more that Eugene wanted to ask. He was much more perceptive than he let on, so he was waiting for the right moment to break into conversation. To his surprise, Raebin was the first to open his mouth at an awkward moment.
“So…”
“Yeah?”
“I thought you should know that I’m actually in Japan because I got invited to a songwriting workshop.”
“Really?!” Eugene’s eyes seemed to gleam at the sound of ‘songwriting’ leaving Raebin’s mouth. The workshop was invitational? Didn’t that give it some ounce of prestige? Eugene was quite proud finding out that Raebin had reached such a level even after his failed career in STier.
“I started making music again after getting discharged. Mostly producing and writing.”
“Actually, I think I did hear a couple of the songs you produced.” Eugene confessed.
He was drunk out of his mind one day and all he could think about was what Kim Raebin was up to. He accidentally stumbled across some of Raebin’s newer productions when he looked up his name—mostly indie artists of all genres. His name was always subtly tucked within the credits, no longer taking the place of the artist like it used to be. A hammered Eugene abruptly broke down in tears knowing that Raebin was doing well and doing what he loved—he no longer had to worry about how Raebin was doing.
“You did?!” Raebin's shock was genuine.
“Of course! It was completely by chance though. My sister listened to an album you produced a lot.” Eugene left out some details about the last part. In truth, he was the one who introduced his younger sister to the album, but she did highly praise it.
Raebin’s eyes widened, a blissful blush rushing to his face and the corners of his lips turning up. His cheeks were so full from both food and joy. “Oh! I’m honoured.”
“I’m glad you still have it in you though. I’ve always loved your music.” Eugene went to reach over for Raebin’s head to ruffle his hair, when suddenly…
…
“Oh, fuck.”
When Eugene finally realized what just happened, his shirt was drenched in apple juice and the glass that was on the table had been tipped over. On second thought, he was glad that he took his hoodie off before sitting down, otherwise he would’ve been completely wet with nothing to cover up.
“A-are you okay?” A worried waiter dashed over with a towel from behind the front counter.
Eugene politely smiled while trying to separate his shirt from his skin, the way the fabric stuck to his skin was just like when he would get wet at the beach, so it was nothing too uncomfortable save for the fruity fragrance. He pulled his hoodie over his head and apologized profusely to the waiter.
Raebin shot up from his seat and spoke to the panicked waiter, almost equally in distraught from not knowing how to clean up his friend’s mess. “We’ll just get the bill.”
In the end, the two walked out of the restaurant, embarrassed. Well, Eugene had more reason to be ashamed since Kim Raebin ended up paying for the meal despite the fact that Eugene chose the restaurant and suggested that they went together. The wet feeling of his shirt amplified the cold every time the breeze swept by, it was all starting to get on his nerves.
Raebin was fiddling his thumbs as if he had something to say. Eugene had to swallow a ball of guilt knowing that if this were the Raebin who was best friends with him over 3 years ago he would be telling him what was on his mind when it was just the two of them.
“Any plans for the rest of the day?” Eugene asked.
“Not really.”
If he didn’t take this opportunity, then he would regret it for the rest of his life.
“Hey, then do you want to come to my hotel?”
༄
Eugene pulled Raebin towards him and began working his way through him when he heard the door lock behind them. He starts with his lips, then moves lower to his jaw and collarbones, messily littering a constellation of kisses, giving each and every breadth of skin his attention. It was almost shameful how quickly Eugene’s touch aroused Raebin such that his legs felt like jelly. Eugene, feeling Raebin’s weight toppling over, lifted the latter by gripping under his thighs and connecting their lips once more. Face to face, he dropped him onto the bed where Raebin landed on his back, panting, arms and legs tightly wrapped around Eugene and unwilling to uncage him.
“Raebin…”
“Mhmm?”
“Can we…”
Raebin turned his head towards Eugene’s lower body. Actually, it wasn’t just him that was visibly excited right now. Even after dancing for several hours on the first stop of their overseas tour did they still have the energy to play around like this. They had fooled around in worse environments anyway—the locked door of the studio whenever Raebin would be working overnight had protected them from experiencing the horrors (getting caught). The STier members being just next door meant nothing when the hotel they were staying at had such structured walls that could repel even the loudest of explosions (probably).
“The members are probably asleep or getting drunk out of their minds right now. It’s a hotel room, not the dorms. We’ll be alright,” Eugene rattled off as if he had read his mind.”Hold on, let me go grab something.”
Raebin reluctantly let go of Eugene and watched him retreat to the bathroom, pulling out a plastic bag of goodies.
“Complimentary condoms…???”
Raebin didn’t know what he was expecting from Eugene but walking back with these so-called ‘complimentary condoms’ wasn’t it. Besides, did regular hotels even do that kind of stuff? This wasn’t a love hotel—they would be caught dead if they sought one out. Raebin, now questioning whether or not Eugene had wickedly planned this at the convenience store downstairs, knew that this time was different from their past endeavours. Eugene knew his boundaries and Raebin was equally cautious of his lover and being an idol, so they had never considered going this far back in Korea. However, as Eugene said, the rooming logistics definitely gave them their long desired privacy.
Raebin eyed his boyfriend who was fumbling with his belt and shucking off Raebin’s baggy jeans. When they made eye contact, Eugene flashed a wide grin and thumbs up.
This is so embarrassing… What else could he have said when he was lying on his back, Cha Eugene straddling him from above, grey sweatpants pulled down and his weight plush up against Raebin. Whipping his head back to the side, Raebin mumbled, “So…”
“Yeah?”
“Do you even know what you’re doing?”
“Of course! I researched, you know.”
“I did too but…” What was Raebin expecting that he wouldn’t be the one in this position? Well, in terms of size, he supposed that the deed was most efficient this way—Eugene knew it too and that’s why it took just a couple seconds for him to immediately snatch the role. For the sake of productivity, Raebin kept his mouth shut and let things get to this point.
A cold and wet sensation promptly coated his inner thighs. Raebin’s breath hitched at the touch of Eugene’s fingers stroking along and around his exposed bottom.
“Raebin, relax a bit.”
“It’s hard to when you’re poking there—”
Eugene slid in one finger. “Does that feel weird?”
“A little…” He couldn’t tell him that he nearly had a mini heart attack when Eugene decided to attack his behind without warning.
Then impatiently, the second slipped in thanks to the wonders of lubricant. “I have to do this so you don’t get hurt.”
If anything, the arousing nature of Eugene’s digits spreading and gliding in his ass were already giving his front side even more throbbing pain. Raebin subtly suppressed the abundance of whines that nearly escaped him, but Eugene could tell, arching a brow in suspicion. He leaned towards Raebin, nibbling his ears that were so sensitive that made Raebin tremble and let out a disgustingly sensual noise. Raebin slapped his hands over his mouth, eliciting a playful expression from Eugene.
“You don’t need to hold back.”
It was a phrase that Eugene liked to say a lot in a performance context, so hearing it when they were essentially doing a different kind of dance was comforting—he could sense the tension his body alleviated.
“Your butt is finally loosening up!”
“Don’t… say such crude things, you idiot.”
Eugene took his fingers out and friskily tore open the condom packet he left on the dresser with his teeth. The pit of Raebin’s stomach felt uneasy when the sensation in his behind was gone, suddenly craving something else to fill up the space again.
Once his shaft was suited up, Eugene, who was stripping his shirt off, cautiously said, “Tell me if it hurts.”
Even with Eugene’s preparation, nothing could prepare him for the pain when the real thing was barely inserted in. As if on command, tears started welling in Raebin’s eyes as he winced.
Tightening his grasp on Raebin’s hips, Eugene muttered under his breath. “So cute…”
This pervert… Was he growing from seeing Raebin’s tears? Raebin spoke up, his voice quivering and begrudgingly heaving between words, “It won’t… fit…”
Instead of backing down, Eugene calmly responded, “I’ll make it work somehow, trust me.”
He was slow at first, making sure that Raebin was okay before easing in another fraction of his length. Once he could confirm that Raebin hadn’t snapped his full dick in half yet, he picked up the pace to imitate his ‘research’, spacing each thrust like a rhythmic piece. Even during sex was Raebin’s musical genius working overtime, instantly identifying it as somewhere between an andante and adagio tempo.
“Is this okay?” Eugene groaned into the crook of Raebin’s neck. Between the two of them, Raebin had great mental energy though his physical stamina was nowhere near the level of his ex-football player boyfriend. For fuck’s sake, he was probably born with those muscles too—it was unfair how irresistibly sculptured he was.
Raebin nodded, his mouth was dry from all of the excessive sounds he was making. Was Eugene secretly a professional or was it his astounding length in centimetres that was making it so lewd and pleasurable? He tightened his arms around the latter’s neck once more and pulled his face in closer so that he could slot his lips between his and drink up his desire, moaning expletives between his name like a mantra.
Feeling mischievous and reassured, Eugene lifted up Raebin’s t-shirt and began dragging his teeth over his chest and lapping up his teats like a thirsty kitten in need of milk. Raebin couldn’t even care about the overload of new and steamy sensations from all corners of his figure—he was basking so deep into Eugene’s flavour that he was drowning in it. Only a primal sense of heat burned through him. He pulled on Eugene’s hair with each deepening strike to stabilize himself in both body and mind.
It didn’t take long before a wave of convulsions swept his body, the walls of his insides closing in around Eugene’s member. A stream of his milky substance aimed right for his face. Amused, perhaps proud, Eugene scraped a sample with his thumb and analyzed its taste with his tongue.
“Are you crazy? Spit that out!”
“Too late.” Eugene embraced Raebin in a warm hug, the thick and cozy bedsheets hugging their figures. “Do you really like me that much?”
Of course, I do. It could only ever be Cha Eugene, no one other than Cha Eugene. Who else would he let into his arms after crying before anything had started or let him make/become such a mess. He rolled over, bleached locks of hair stuck to his forehead that was drenched with sweat. Out of the corner of his vision, however, was his boyfriend’s scheming smirk.
Eugene tore open another packet of rubber with his fangs. “Where are you going? Round two just started.”
༄
“Ta-da! My hotel room.”
Kim Raebin didn’t know what he expected when Eugene had made the casual invitation, but his hotel being a short distance away from the seaside was reason enough for him to stick around. Eugene had retreated into his luggage and was looking for a replacement shirt after complaining about how the one he was wearing was both sticky in touch and smelled of apple juice.
“No peeking while I’m changing.” Eugene smirked slightly, joking in a way to get a reaction out of Raebin.
“I wasn’t planning to, you idiot!” And a reaction Raebin did give. The last time he saw Eugene naked… Well, let’s just say, it wasn’t a pretty memory. The fact that it stopped being a casual everyday occurrence just three years ago only made the memory worse from its unclarity. “Actually, there’s something I’m curious about before I turn around.”
“What’s up?”
Raebin pointed to his own neck. “I noticed you had a tattoo there, I wanted to see it.”
Eugene blinked blankly for a few before registering the request and returning back to his jesting personality. “So you did want to see me strip. Alright, let me show you.”
He was quick to pull off his shirt, over his head and then tossed onto the bed with a mental note to clean it later. Once Eugene’s torso was finally exposed, he turned around and pointed to his back—a hidden masterpiece sprawled along it. The tattoo, with thin strokes, was a mural of a couple celestial bodies encircling a gaping black hole. Without thinking, Raebin went to trace his finger along it as if it were a canvas rather than Eugene’s skin. Eugene seemed to tremble and curse under his breath as Raebin’s finger dragged lower and lower until he was at his waistband.
“It’s beautiful…” Raebin is sincere when he says it, with almost no account for whose body it was on. He didn’t need to hear an explanation to understand its meaning—the black hole was Eugene’s brand in STier and the planets made up his family with two stars further off in the distance. Raebin could only assume that those represented himself and Ryu Chungwoo, the remaining members of their group.
“It really hurt when I got it.” Eugene’s smile was hollow as if pondering on something unpleasant.
“Why did you get it then?”
“I had just got back to America and knew I didn’t need to follow idol rules anymore. You could say I was feeling rebellious.” With his body still exposed, Eugene scratched the back of his head. “I have another one actually! Let me show you.”
Eugene turned around to face Raebin, who was caught off guard when he started to unzip and shimmy open the top of his washed out baggy jeans. Pushing his boxer briefs down slightly, just before it exposed anything scandalous, he pointed to a smiley face—the kind composed of just two dots and an arch—on his pelvis.
Noticing the discreet drawing after the initial shock of thinking that Eugene was about to flash him completely, Raebin bursted out laughing at how ridiculous it was.
“It’s dumb, isn’t it.” Sulking, Eugene zipped his jeans back up.
“No, I think it’s cute.”
“I wanted a small one to test out how painful a tattoo would be, only to find out that the pelvis is one of the most painful spots to get something tattooed.”
Raebin couldn’t believe his ears. “You really are stupid…”
“It’s okay, I was in more pain at that time anyways—in here.” Eugene took Raebin’s wandering finger and had it point firmly on his chest.
“You had acid reflux?”
“No, idiot , my heart was broken.”
“Oh...” So he was talking about his heart . Raebin unsuspectingly held the position, even once he belatedly understood what Eugene had meant.
Without missing a beat, Eugene cracked a smile and said, “I missed you, you know?”
It was quiet for a bit while the three syllables ‘I missed you’ hung in the air. It wasn’t a secret that Eugene silently suffered the most before and after they parted ways, and yet Raebin could only wonder why he chose to say this now three years later. Why did he suddenly choose to cross the boundaries between friends, ex-lovers, and strangers?
Raebin retrieved his hand as his eyes darted around. Somehow these were the only words to come to mind. “Cha Eugene, can I hug you? For old time’s sake.”
He couldn’t look him in the eye, but Raebin knew that Eugene was at a loss for words from the unexpected want that rolled off Raebin's tongue on impulse. He couldn’t believe that they were being so vulnerable too, as if time hadn’t passed and they could once again speak to each other without anything to hide or feel ashamed about. It was something Raebin couldn’t do in the restaurant and yet, being alone with Eugene like this brought back sentiments that he thought had withered from all of the months and days since the end of STier. There was still so much he had to say, so much to do and recall, and despite all this, his sole desire was a warm embrace.
Without hesitation, Eugene pulled Raebin in closer. Even though they were almost the same height, the former’s broader build perfectly enveloped the other as if they were puzzle pieces created to slot into one another’s form. It was sickening how much they were crafted for one another and yet long separated. Raebin could hear Eugene’s heartbeat in proximity, his heart dying to leap out of his chest. It was a fluttering pulse, one of excited palpitations as if from a purehearted boy.
How long had it been since he felt Eugene’s tender caress like this? When the thought found its way to Raebin, all he was left with was the feeling of long overdue tears fighting their way to the surface.
༄
“Let’s just break up then.”
It’s awkward the way those words leave his lips, but there they were. Raebin wasn’t meaning to ruin a good day, but has he really been having any good days?
It was almost like everything he had ever loved or cared about began to lose its meaning. STier was no more and save for Cha Eugene—who was leaving for America in a couple days—the distance between him and everybody he knew in his career began to slip further away. Music wasn’t fun anymore either—rather, he was scared of hearing the once familiar tunes crafted by his own hands playing from speakers. He wasn’t sure if this was his way of escaping his sorrow, but it was self destructive and he knew it. A punishment for feeling punished by his anxiety towards music and the pitiful Cha Eugene whom all of Raebin’s fondest memories were intertwined with.
What hurt most was, although Raebin knew that Eugene would’ve done anything in his power to prevent this from concluding, he passively hung his head down and agreed. Five years later, as the breeze of the sea swept through their disheveled hair and hid their fatigued teary eyes, his first love ended.
The separation wasn’t instant. Eugene was leaving soon, anyways. There was no need to pretend to be strangers so soon.
Eugene’s face that Raebin had committed to his memory looked disfigured and gaunt the next few days spent in their shared apartment. They woke up in the same bed, ate at the same table, and watched TV on the same couch as usual. It was all the same yet different. Conversations would end after three exchanges. One another's presence became something to tolerate rather than enjoy. The guilt was suffocating but it was the only reasonable conclusion. Long distance was never an option—they had never been apart ever since they came to know each other, how could they accept being on opposite sides of the planet from one another. The plan was to stay friends, but knowing Eugene’s avoidant behaviour, Raebin assumed that it would’ve been selfish to keep him near as if he were on a tight leash. A handsome face like his could attract anybody in California and he shouldn’t need to feel like Raebin was holding him back.
The day before Eugene’s flight was scheduled to leave, he made an odd request: “Let’s pretend that everything was the way it was before for old time’s sake.”
There was no clarification in what he meant by that. It was strange considering he was the one who was making things stiff. Regardless, Raebin had no choice but to accept the proposal.
The house was empty and the winter cold was outright irritating. Raebin sank his head deeper into his pillow, lying on his chest while Eugene was sleeping on his side with his head turned towards Raebin. Being as perceptive as he was, Eugene picked up on his discomfort and asked, “You have something to say, don’t you?”
Too many things, really. Goodbye, I’ll miss you, let me know when you get back safe . If Eugene’s definition of ‘old time’s sake’ included such words from the heart then Raebin would’ve said them without any hesitation, except that hesitation was all he could feel when he was still right next to his now ex-boyfriend on their bed.
Mustering the right words instead of those little insignificant phrases, Raebin parted his lips and said…
“I just hope… that wherever life takes you that you’re happy.”
No response.
A stifling silence.
Then the ruffling sound of loose bedsheets.
Raebin looked over his shoulder to see Eugene with his back turned, his figure shaking and arms held tight to his chest. Was he crying?
“H-hey, are you alright?”
Raebin didn’t know what he was expecting for an answer, but Eugene’s inability to form words between sniffles gave it all away. Troubled, Raebin pressed his lips together in sheer disbelief and reached over to wrap his arms around him. Not too tight but just enough to share his warmth. He laid his chin against Eugene’s back and sighed.
“This is for old time’s sake, okay?”
They must’ve fallen asleep in that position because when Eugene had woken up the next morning, his eyes were red and puffy from the tears shed and Raebin’s arms were still around him. Not wanting to wake him up, he stayed still. There were a couple hours until his flight, he should cherish his last few memories in Korea with Kim Raebin.
When Raebin awoke, he insisted on seeing Eugene off at the airport despite the latter telling him that there was no reason to. Nevertheless, Raebin needed one last look at his friend before they parted ways. It was brief but clear as day from their final interaction that neither of them were willing to reveal their buried emotions—smiling until the end as they said goodbyes but wishing that it didn’t have to go on like this, hoping that one of them would hold onto the other and not let them leave.
Raebin decided to take the train back to their empty apartment afterwards. To his dismay, it was nearly empty, contrary to the overloaded carriage of his mind where nonstop thoughts were accumulating by the second.
Kim Raebin’s past and present could be defined as before Cha Eugene and after Cha Eugene. Before Eugene, he was a young boy from the countryside who happened to be in love with music. After meeting Eugene, all of his firsts, his lasts, his happiest and saddest times had his name attached. Then as for the future? Was there even such a thing as after after Eugene? It was terrifying to think about how much life would change without his best friend by his side, soon an ocean away with no guarantee of staying in his life.
Choking back his grief, home had never seemed further away.
༄
Walking along the seashore, they pretended that nothing had happened. They left their vulnerability behind in Eugene’s hotel room as if all of their worries built up over the past were insignificant pieces to their story.
A beach like this one was where Raebin had broken up with Cha Eugene. Neither of them wanted to say the cruel memory in their mind, but there was a silent admission between them, a promise to simultaneously never forget about it but move on.
With sand between his toes and his hair tickling his flushed cheeks, Raebin could only mindlessly watch as Eugene’s back got smaller and smaller while the distance between them grew. The ebb tide moved at a pleasant tempo that matched his slowing steps. Suddenly, there were words stuck in his throat that he knew were no mistake.
“Cha Eugene…”
A wave of quiet ensued. He took a deep breath. His hands were shaking, but it didn’t matter as long as he said it.
“Just know that I’ll always—”
Beyond the crashing of water, Eugene yelled from afar, “Did you say something, Kim Raebin???”
His confession was swallowed by the unforgiving tides, lost in the gust of the salty wind. Raebin pulled his scarf up, grinning into it, amused by the outcome. “Nothing! Wait for me!”
Three years later, on a beach in a universe where STier had failed and crumbled, two songbirds reunited once more as if fate gave them a second chance. Catching up to Eugene, all Raebin could think about was how he was finally home to the sole place where he belonged—back by Cha Eugene’s side.