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We reach Aunty Wan’s, but Tong does not get out of the car; he does not even unbuckle his seatbelt. Tong leans back, gazing sleepily through the windshield. Vampires don’t usually sleep, the exhaustion means he is either starving or seriously injured. I get out immediately and move to the passenger seat to get Tong. He looks up at me when I open the door. I bend down to slip my hands under his shoulders and his knees. His arms wrap around my neck instantly and his head rests on my right shoulder; he is as obedient and sweet as a sleeping cat.
Carrying Tong, I move to the boot and open it with my left hand, grabbing the little freezer storing the blood packs inside and a hard briefcase containing the IV equipment. I get us to the living room behind the cupboard, putting the things on a table then gently laying Tong on the sofa. He must understand what I am doing, shifting from leaning on the armrest to sitting upright, feet on the floor. I glance at him, then focus on assembling the IV hanger, taking out one of the blood packs from the little freezer, and preparing the catheter. Tong watches, transfixed, like a child seeing a magical performance for his first time.
“Mark…” He calls my name for the first time tonight, after all the chaos and mess. I’ve missed it, and I’ve missed him so much that it brings me close to tears. How many times will I cry before I get used to this? I stop my preparation to take some time to steady myself before I look at him. “What is it, Tong?”
“Must I take the blood like this? A transfusion? Can’t I just drink it?” Tong asks like a child asking for a lollipop. “The smell and taste would be too strong for you now. You might lose control and make a mess.” I know he craves the sensation, but I don’t think I have the energy for extra cleanup now; my brain feels already overheated.
His eyes are innocent, and he does not even cover up his disappointment at my disapproval. “Okay, I get it.” He murmurs, his shoulders slumping, and I seem to see his cat ears drooping on his head. He never fails to make me adore him more. I set up the equipment, and give him a suggestion which hopefully will cheer him up a bit, “I’ll let you drink your last one after transfusing the first four packs; you should be more stable when you are soon full. If you make a mess, we can still take a bath so that you’ll be clean and comfortable. I’m using a pressure bag so the transfusion will take less than one hour. And I will be here to help you change the packs and tell you more about vampires. Does that sound okay, Khun Tong?” I half-heartedly make a joke while finishing the setup and inserting a needle into his right arm. For a moment, it almost feels like we are back in the university dormitory. But what hits me the hardest is when I finish checking the transfusion, I see Tong smiling and nodding happily at my suggestions. I didn’t expect I would see his smiles, not tonight .
“Let me take a shower first.” I mumble, escaping to the bathroom. Tears fall as soon as I step into the bathroom, and my heart arches so much I clutch my t-shirt. I must be careful – not to hurt myself, or Tong will smell it. I lean against the door for a moment, letting the tide of emotions fade away. To be honest I’m not sure how much longer I can take this. Loving Tong more deeply each second without him acknowledging it is starting to feel unbearable. I don’t know if I can go on, unless I find a way to express what I feel – whether by telling him or showing him. It’s fine that he cannot return my feelings; he’s given me all of him already, choosing to share both life and death with me. He may not be able to understand, but I need him to at least know that I care for him. I can see what I should do next after seeing Tong’s reaction to my confession. Breathing becomes easier after making up my mind. Tong is my direction, it can never be denied. I’ll find my way as long as I am with him. The first thing I need to do now is to clean up myself as fast as I can, then go back to Tong and take care of his feeding.
Tong is resting with his eyes closed when I return to the living room. He’s just gotten half of the first pack. “Tong? How are you feeling?” I ask as I approach. I want to sit beside him on the sofa, but I settle on a chair next to his IV stand and the sofa for easier administration. Tong opens his eyes and looks at me, “I feel less tired now, but I am bored.” He finishes it with a pout. I can’t help but smile. He can never be too cute. I lean in, ruffling his hair affectionately, “I’ll be here with you now. We can talk. There are many things that you want to know, right?” I look at Tong’s eyes at the same level. There are stars in his eyes, “I was going to ask you about the taste of my blood , the Golden Blood. I can’t forget your reaction. But if you’re worried that I’m still not in a very good condition now, you can tell me later. I need to learn patience.” I’ve prepared myself for this question, so this time my body does not reject it harshly, and my hand on Tong feeling his warmth really grounds me. “Thank you for being patient Tong. I’ll tell you when you are not starving anymore, which will be soon. How about I ask you some questions, and you tell me about how you feel and what you are thinking?” I keep massaging Tong’s scalp. Although vampires may not fully grasp the sentiments behind behaviors, we can still find comfort in touch and sound. Some of us draw humans in with desire, able to enjoy blood as well as sex – even if love itself is beyond our reach.
Tong nods at my question, so I ask the next, “Do you know what we are? Do you still remember what happened between us?” I do not stop my movement, sometimes threading my fingers through his hair. Tong closes his eyes as if he is searching for his memories. “You came to protect me as a bodyguard, then you supported me as a friend, and we kissed as boyfriends,” Tong hasn’t opened his eyes and he recalls softly. “We did more than kiss, and I chose to give you my blood to kill Thara.” He summarizes our past in a few sentences, neutrally. I have expected that too, but it doesn’t hurt less.
“Do you remember what you said before you gave me your blood?”
Tong contemplates for a while, before opening his eyes, “ I do .”
Looking at Tong, my hand stills at his words. “Do you know what it means?” I ask quietly, my hand moves slowly from his scalp to his cheek, then ear, then back. I love touching him, cradling his face. My eyes move along with my hand, gazing at his features. Tong doesn’t seem to mind what I am doing, he keeps his eyes on me, “It seems I didn't want you to get hurt, wanted some part of myself to be with you forever when I must die. I promised you my life.” Even though Tong doesn’t understand, he remembers clearly what he did for me. “Then what do you think about that now?” Tong thinks for a while about his answer, “It was the only way to win against Thara; we had no choice.” “No, I want to know how you feel about that now. You might be confused, since vampires don’t really process emotions. I told you about that, do you remember? You can let me know what you are thinking if you really don’t know what you feel.” Tong’s frowns, tilting his head, “I trusted you, and finally you did kill Thara, and even wake me; and now you are also providing for me, so I think I trust you now.” I know Tong is trying his best to make sense of his choice and the whole situation. I assumed he would still explain things objectively, but him revealing himself trusting me is enough for me to pop the champagne. It’s a good start; my trust in Thara had taken years to build.
To hide my overwhelming happiness, I stand and replace the empty blood pack. When I return to the seat, I touch Tong’s face again. “Thank you for trusting me, Tong. You don’t know how much it means to me.” Tong cocks his head, then nods.
“What about the other things? How would you feel if I protected you, supported you, kissed you, or did more again?” I should have asked one at a time, but I can’t really help myself. I’m still caught up in what Tong told me minutes ago. He looks up to where the blood pack is being hung, “you have been protecting me and supporting me. I feel safe, and I’m grateful you’re feeding me.” He then glances at the needle in his arm. “You hugged and kissed me in the car, I felt familiar, but I don’t know what it meant.” He looks at me again, as if he is waiting for my answer.
“I love you Tong.” I don’t break eye contact, my hand moving from Tong’s face to his neck, then lower his shoulder. “To you, it means I’ll protect you, support you, care for you with my life – forever.” I hope I materialize the concept enough for him to apprehend what my love means to him, “I’m sorry that I’m often like this – touchy and kissing you. And yes, I want to do more, like what we did before. Loving you means wanting to be as close as possible, to be one with you. It means being together with you, always.” Tong again gives me his full attention. I’m glad that even though he doesn’t understand emotions, he tries to figure out everything I say. He trusts me and he is willing to know me better. My heart is so full just thinking about it. But how I feel is not the whole point of the conversation now, so I continue, slowly and clearly, “I know you’ll need some time to process this. I didn’t know any of this before meeting you; vampires usually can’t love. If you don’t like any of these ideas, or if you want to stop talking about it, just tell me.” I get up to fetch the third pack, “normally, our kind only knows survival. You were more aggressive when starving, so we couldn’t talk in Thara’s house or the car – you were unable to think clearly.” Taking a pack and turning around, I find Tong is still listening intently. His full concentration on the conversation makes my heart swell, and I decide to go back to the topic. “Loving you also means respecting your decisions. If I ask your preference, it means that I won’t do anything you don’t want. You can always tell me what you want or you don’t, and we can discuss from there.” After setting up the third pack, I crouch to his eye level and smile, “Loving you means you’re the most important person in my life, Tong.” Even if Tong can’t love me back, telling him and having him listen already lightens the weight on my chest.
I know I planned to talk to Tong without letting my feelings show, and I know I failed – COMPLETELY .
*-*-*-*
I am so tired and barely notice when we arrive at Aunty Wan’s. Mark helps me out of my seat, and I wrap my arms around his neck immediately. Leaning on him feels so right as I don’t need to support myself anymore. Is this what hunger is like for vampires? Mark is so strong, carrying me while taking things from the boot. Will I be that strong too? Or is Mark special among our kind? He sets up the tools after putting me on the sofa. I change my pose so that I watch his movements easily. The device looks like a transfusion hanger.
“Mark…” I call quietly. He turns around, “what is it, Tong?”
“Must I take the blood like this? A transfusion? Can’t I just drink it?” I have been anticipating this first meal, but after the long trip from Thara’s to her company then to Aunty Wan’s, I didn’t expect a transfusion! “The smell and taste would be too strong for you now. You might lose control and make a mess.” Mark looks like a father and I get his gentle warning, “okay, I get it.” I can only obey him as he’s probably right, I might lose control if I smell blood now; I’m just an inch from passing out. If I sleep now, I think something else will take over to do whatever keeps me alive. I can’t explain it but I know it, I think it’s instinct. Still, I’m so disappointed that I can’t taste my first meal.
Mark sets a pack of blood to the IV and says, “I’ll let you drink your last one after transfusing the first four packs; you should be more stable when you are soon full. If you make a mess, we can still take a bath so that you’ll be clean and comfortable. ” It sounds like a nice plan, and even if it doesn’t, I can’t change it anyway as Mark is already inserting the needle in my right arm. The blood packs are larger than the ones I saw at Thara’s office. How long will it take to have four packs? Mark continues as if he can read my mind, “I’m using a pressure bag so the transfusion will take less than one hour. And I will be here to help you change the packs and tell you more about vampires. Does that sound okay, Khun Tong?” Of course it does! I can wait! I nod to Mark enthusiastically, then he tells me he needs to take a shower first.
After Mark leaves, the living room becomes so quiet. I don’t have any entertainment with me and I don’t think I should move with the IV attached to me. I close my eyes, trying to sense any changes to my body. I can almost feel energy filling me with my veins being filled up, like a balloon gradually being inflated with air. I am not sure if it is just my imagination, or if that’s how vampire’s biology works. The worries of passing out disappear, and I can keep my eyes closed to feel the difference without afraid of losing myself. I lose track of time until Mark talks to me at the bathroom door, “Tong? How are you feeling?” I open my eyes then see he walks and sits on the chair next to the sofa and the IV stand.
“I feel less tired now, but I am bored.” Mark seems to find the answer funny as his eyes and lips curve, and he ruffles my hair. “I’ll be here with you now. We can talk. There are many things that you want to know, right?” I do, but, “I was going to ask you about the taste of my blood , the Golden Blood. I can’t forget your reaction. But if you’re worried that I’m still not in a very good condition now, you can tell me later. I need to learn patience.” Mark’s hand stays on my head, massaging gently. “Thank you for being patient Tong. I’ll tell you when you are not starving anymore, which will be soon. How about I ask you some questions, and you tell me about how you feel and what you are thinking?” Of course I can do that. If I don’t know what I should know at this moment, Mark will be able to help me with that.
“Do you know what we are? Do you still remember what happened between us?” His hand combs my hair sometimes, relaxing me. I close my eyes so that I can concentrate on my memories. They are clear in my mind as I can recall every detail, but at the same time foggy as if they happened a long time ago. I need to take some time to clear the fog around them, “You came to protect me as a bodyguard, then you supported me as a friend, and we kissed as boyfriends,” I recall the moments in the hotel, in this floral shop, in the library, on the grass, on the beach, in the bed now behind Mark, in the white room where I woke up. “We did more than kiss, and I chose to give you my blood to kill Thara.” Mark asks again, “do you remember what you said before you gave me your blood?”
I remember. My eyes were hurt, full of tears. I couldn’t see Mark in front of me clearly. My fingers intertwined with his, and I begged in my heart; for him to look at my eyes, for him to win the war, for at least a part of me to stay with him forever. Mark was crying, trying to resist my wishes, and I said,
“ I do .”
Mark stops his hand for a moment, just looking at me, “do you know what it means?” His hand moves gently between my face and my ear. His hand is warm and I find his touches comforting. Mark looks at me like he is memorizing the details of my features by scanning with his eyes. “It seems I didn't want you to get hurt, wanted some part of myself to be with you forever when I must die. I promised you my life.” I can recall what I was thinking, but I can’t really understand why I cried so hard and my heart hurt like it was going to explode. “Then what do you think about that now?” I think it was worth it as finally Thara was defeated, and we had no other choices. But Mark doesn’t want this answer. “No, I want to know how you feel about that now. You might be confused, since vampires don’t really process emotions. I told you about that, do you remember? You can let me know what you are thinking if you really don’t know what you feel.”
Feel? It is a little bit difficult so I take my time before answering Mark, “I trusted you, and finally you did kill Thara, and even wake me; and now you are also providing for me, so I think I trust you now.” When I answer this, Mark realizes that he needs to replace the blood pack now, so he focuses on the work first before coming back to me, “Thank you for trusting me, Tong. You don’t know how much it means to me.” I agree that I didn’t know and still don’t. But Mark has become different since we have started the conversation, and now he looks a bit more relaxed. I nod to his comment.
“What about the other things? How would you feel if I protected you, supported you, kissed you, or did more again?” His energy is almost visible. I can’t see such a thing but he really seems brighter in colour when comparing this moment when I just woke up. He doesn’t realize that he has done most of those things already tonight. Does he not see that finding me blood is the most vital part of protecting and supporting me? He should know that, ““you have been protecting me and supporting me. I feel safe, and I’m grateful you’re feeding me.” And I think Mark should tell me more,as confusion is what I feel the most tonight, if he wants me to talk about feelings .
“I love you Tong.” The warm pressure from Mark’s hand moves from my face to my shoulder. “To you, it means I’ll protect you, support you, care for you with my life – forever. I’m sorry that I’m often like this – touchy and kissing you.” His gaze lingers on his hand, as if to indicate what he is describing. “And yes, I want to do more, like what we did before. Loving you means wanting to be as close as possible, to be one with you. It means being together with you, always.” I can see Mark’s eyes shine like stars in the sky at night. The glow draws my attention and I want to look at it for a longer while. “I know you’ll need some time to process this. I didn’t know any of this before meeting you; vampires usually can’t love. If you don’t like any of these ideas, or if you want to stop talking about it, just tell me.” He notices my empty blood pack again so he fetches the third pack for me, “normally, our kind only knows survival. You were more aggressive when starving, so we couldn’t talk in Thara’s house or the car – you were unable to think clearly.” I know what he means, as I am the first person experiencing the whole change. Yes my brain allows me to interpret what Mark is trying to convey, and at the same time, part of me is still drawn to his beautiful eyes. “Loving you also means respecting your decisions. If I ask your preference, it means that I won’t do anything you don’t want. You can always tell me what you want or you don’t, and we can discuss from there. Loving you means you’re the most important person in my life, Tong.” His smile is genuine now, totally different from when he was escorting me out of Thara’s house, and I find that I want to see this Mark more.
He sits down on the small chair again, looking at me. He is relaxed and patient, as if he is willing to wait for my answer for his whole life, other things be damned. I try to recall my memories with Mark, all the intimacy. Like Mark, I also want to know how I feel about them now. I remember that my heart was warm and every sense amplified when Mark hugged me, kissed me or did more to me in bed. Mark said I can speak my mind, and I trust him, “I don't hate any of the ideas you mentioned, and I am positive about being with you forever. I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be, or anyone else I’d rather stay with. I’ll be comfortable staying next to you.” Mark smiles at my answer, he seems to approve that. I continue, “I don’t hate your warm touch. I remember the things we did together, but I can’t understand why I felt that way; I may not be able to give you the same responses even if we do the same things again.” Mark’s eyebrows dip when he hears that, but his lips still keep the curve, “Tong, it is not about how you respond; if you don’t like it, we won’t do it.” I don’t get it now; if he was not expecting a response, why does he care how I feel? As if reading my mind again, Mark continues, “I want you to want it . It’s about desire. If you don’t have it, then we won’t do it.” He holds my hand gently, careful not to disturb the catheter, “I must admit that I’m greedy. If you don’t hate it, I’d like to keep holding you like this.” The third pack is almost emptied. Soon I can drink a pack after one more pack of transfusion. But my mouth is already tasting the ghost of something else.
“Mark,” I trust him, my mind keeps repeating this as if I am convincing myself to something that I don’t know. “Yes?” Mark smiles at me and slightly, carefully squeezes my hand in his. He is encouraging me to speak my mind, if that is what I want , what I desire .
“Can you remove the IV after this pack?” Mark’s gaze turns from relaxed to tense at my request. He looks at the pressure bag, makes sure the pack is almost done, then swiftly removes the needle from my arm. He bows to kiss the puncture mark there then it heals. A strange warmth spreads from his kiss into the wound, into my arm. It disappears quickly but suddenly I feel it in my chest. I should be clear-headed now as I had taken around 3000 cc of blood already, but I‘m confused by the new sensations. Mark had healed me when I was a human, the pain would be eased together when my wounds healed. But it had never been like this. Is it because I am not a human now? I look at the inside of my elbow curiously, and Mark asks, “are you hurt? Are you unwell? Tong.” He checks my arm, then cradles my face to look into my eyes. I was annoyed earlier tonight, when he checked on me like this, but after listening to his confession, I seem to understand why he sees me like this; he was not searching for something in me, he was looking at me. He has been looking at me the whole time. I am conscious, but my body moves on instinct . I open my arms to Mark, but Mark just sits there, puzzled, “Tong?” I lean into Mark’s space, and close my arms around Mark’s waist tightly, my head in the crook of his neck. It feels right to be there, like where I belong. “Tong? Are you all right?” Mark closes his arms around me too, but he doesn’t sound happy.
“I can tell you what I’m thinking right?” I need his confirmation before going for the next thing I want, following my instincts. Although I have just turned into a vampire, I know what I want next is not normal. But I still want it. I need it . Mark’s hands around my waist tighten, his chin on my left shoulder. I know the pressure, I recall the moment when he bit me, the wetness on my neck before his fangs pierced my skin.
Reliving the memory, I whisper into Mark’s left ear, “I want to bite you, to taste your blood again, from your neck this time. I don’t know why I want this since I heard you explain what your love is to me.” Mark pulls back a bit immediately to look at me, face full of surprise. “Am I not normal, Mark?” He said he respects what I want and I don’t want, and I want to do the same for him. I’ll just drink from the pack if he does not want to be bitten. Mark shakes his head, one hand goes to my neck, pressing gently there, “yes, but I ain’t normal either.” His squeeze on my neck is not so strong, but he looks like he is restraining himself. Then his hand goes to my nape and pulls me into the crook of his neck again, “If you want to, you can do that. I’ll let you know if it’s too much. Or do you want to kill me?” I feel a sharp pain stabbing my mind upon hearing what Mark said, NO, I will never do that. And the answer goes verbal without me realizing it, not until Mark chuckles and says, “I’m just kidding.”
With his permission, my heartbeat suddenly races and my mouth waters. It’s more than trust, and I enjoy this. I only remember the sweetness of his blood. Was his blood that delicious and my body has been anticipating this much? My heart is pumping faster, and I know Mark must be feeling it as we are now hugging tight, no distance between us. My senses sharpen, I can hear his pulse, can smell his blood through his skin, can see the faint throb beneath the skin, and my fangs are already there when I open my mouth. I hear the small sound of his skin breaking, then his blood runs into my throat through the wounds. It’s not just sweet – it’s Mark’s blood. The warmth I experienced through the healing comes back and now it runs to my chest and stomach from the ruby liquid. It doesn’t just wake me from my tiring hunger, I even feel lightheaded from the unexpected ecstasy. I give Mark an iron grip as I can’t control myself, and I can’t help but moan through my nose, my mouth busy sucking the rich blood coming out from Mark’s vein. Mark groans at the pain or whatever I don’t know, and his left hand keeps kneading my nape. With the sound, the pressure, the smell, all are too good and too much, that I almost can’t breathe. I release my bite, panting against Mark’s shoulder as if I have just run a marathon. That’s so incredible, so intense I might die if I kept drinking Mark, but at the same time I miss it already once I stopped my bite.
“How long until the fang marks heal?” I didn’t expect I would ask this first after my first true meal . But I want to stop the bleeding now when I see Mark’s blood keeps oozing out from them. “Lick them please. Vampires’ saliva doesn’t heal a wound but it can stop minor bleeding instantly.” Mark is panting too when he answers me. We are holding each other, breathing short and hollow, like both of us are just rescued from drowning. I can feel Mark’s heart beating fast too. I lick his wounds as he suggests, and the blood really clots. I can't stop myself from licking his neck clean of any bloodstains. Now that I can think more clearly, Mark’s blood really does taste like heaven, but I don’t know why I lost control.
And when I am now still in Mark’s arm, looking up at the ceiling of the room, I catch a hint of rose in the air.