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Jin Ling furiously scribbles on his scroll as he listens to the monotonous drawl of the Lan ethics teacher. He looked out the window, watching as disciples were running laps just outside their room, deep amber eyes landing themselves on Lan Yuan talking with Lan Jingyi. Then amber eyes meet steel gray, Jin Ling turns his head immediately to look at the front of the class, writing profusely on his scroll to will down the warmth spreading on his cheeks.
You see, Jin Ling has a little secret that he would take with him to the grave. Said secret is about his unrequited feelings for cultivation heartthrob and resident good boy Lan Yuan of the Gusu Lan sect. The man who has been a fixture in his life since their fateful meeting back in Dafan mountain a year ago.
How can Jin Ling not fall for him? He has jade like skin, upturned lips that always give his handsome face a smile even without meaning to, inky soft hair that he knows he’d never stop running his fingers through if given the chance, steel gray eyes that was always filled with warmth and it also made Jin Ling feel like he’s going to keel over from feeling too much all at once.
It doesn’t help that Lan Yuan was kind, too. Always so gentle and understanding when talking with Jin Ling whenever the opportunity arises. His voice is calm and soothin, like warm tea on a cool winter morning. If Jin Ling were to be honest, Lan Yuan is the embodiment of warmth. A source of comfort and empathy that Jin Ling knows he can never be.
Jin Ling shakes his head, there’s no point in dwelling on his crush towards the head disciple. Lan Yuan is a year older than him and definitely has a bigger circle of people that he knows, there’s so many people vying for Lan Yuan’s attention that Jin Ling wouldn’t dare compete and make a fool of himself in the process.
Jin Ling merely sighs, he goes back to the lesson at hand.
Jin Ling would murder Lan Jingyi in his sleep. He’ll make sure to do it slowly, savor the way Lan Jingyi would suffer under his bare hands as he takes his last breath. Jin Ling can’t believe Lan Jingyi shoved Lan Yuan towards his direction, saying he has something he forgot in the training grounds and bidding Lan Yuan goodbye and that he should walk Jin Ling to his next class in the other building.
Jin Ling has been doing fine, his only true friend is Ouyang Zizhen and he’s content with that.
He doesn’t need Lan Yuan walking him to class like some– some– some bratty junior disciple!
He’s a grown man, for fucks sake! He doesn’t need Lan Yuan to babysit him!
“Shall we go, Jin Ling?” Lan Yuan asks, his voice melting some of Jin Ling’s ire towards the younger Lan who just disappeared to fuck knows where.
“You don’t have to, you know,” Jin Ling holds on his scrolls tightly, avoiding Lan Yuan’s gaze, “I’m doing fine on my own.”
“What do you mean?” Lan Yuan looks at Jin Ling with concern, steel gray eyes filled with worry.
“I mean,” Jin Ling cringes at himself, why is he not good at this? “You don’t have to force yourself to spend time with me.”
“Who says I’m forcing myself?” Lan Yuan looks in confusion, forehead scrunching and Jin Ling can only cringe further at his lack of skills in communication and social cues.
“Ugh, forget about it!” Jin Ling groans, walking past Lan Yuan towards his next class.
Lan Yuan catches up to him, walking by his side in awkward silence. How can Jin Ling fuck up so much in such short time this badly? He feels shame creep up to the back of his neck and he is reminded that this is definitely one of the reasons that Lan Yuan will grow to dislike him– that Lan Yuan can never reciprocate his feelings.
Jin Ling steals a look at Lan Yuan and finds that the older male is looking at him with something he can’t quite decipher. He feels his heart launch itself at the back of his throat and he turns away, walking faster.
He can never have Lan Yuan, could he?
Jin Ling spends most of his time alone by one of the clearings near a pond in Cloud Recesses. Only few students would come in this area, the temperature cooler compared to other parts of Cloud Recesses due to it being near the Cold Springs. Most of the time, Lan disciples would frequent here, said Lan disciples don’t really bother with him, save for the mandatory greetings as courtesy.
Jin Ling finds himself comfortable beneath a tree's shade, allowing his mind to be clear of all thoughts. That is until he hears murmurs from approaching Lan disciples pass by where he’s currently laid on.
“Shizui, surely you can say something about Ming Lihua?” a Lan disciple asks curiously, “She is currently top of her class and has expressed interest in being taught by you.”
Jin Ling frowns at that. He curls in on himself, trying his best to not listen to their conversation and save himself the heartache of Lan Yuan’s answer.
Ming Lihua was one of the most promising cultivators of their generation with a face that would often be compared to a moon goddess. Despite her cool beauty, she was approachable and gentle, an air of grace as she carried herself. Jin Ling bites his lip, he doesn’t care about what Lan Yuan thinks of her. He doesn’t, he doesn’t, he doesn’t!
“She is an exceptional student,” Lan Yuan says so casually, so easily as if it were some gospel truth, “A fast learner and a quick thinker, learning musical cultivation would perhaps come easy to her because of her keen ears and astute observations.”
She’s perfect.
Jin Ling thinks bitterly, and he cannot even fault Lan Yuan for saying those things because it’s all true. Even Jin Ling experienced first hand how exceptional Ming Lihua is, the young cultivator would sometimes read beside Jin Ling in the library, often asking for his insights on certain topics. She listens with rapt attention, and considers his answers thoughtfully– which honestly baffles JIn Ling, there’s nothing she can gain from his insights and yet that doesn’t stop her from seeking him out anyway.
Much to Jin Ling’s surprise, Ming Lihua doesn’t just stop at cultivation and academic questions. Sometimes she would ask about Jin Ling’s interests, his likes and dislikes, his preferences in food. Jin Ling doesn’t really see himself as anyone interesting, and he can feel that Ming Lihua has no nefarious motive for spending time with him, either. She’s just as kind and perfect that even the ever so temperamental Jin Ling is someone she can approach with ease.
Ming Lihua and Lan Yuan would be perfect for each other.
“What about Sect Leader Jin Rulan?” another Lan disciple asks.
Jin Ling saves himself the heartbreak from hearing Lan Yuan’s answer, silently making his exit without alerting the Lan disciples he was even there to begin. He’s already lost a battle he never got the chance to even be in. He’s already lost Lan Yuan to Ming Lihua.
If only he stayed long enough to hear the litany of praise that left Lan Yuan’s lips.
“What’s got the young mistress down in the dumps?” Lan Jingyi asks as he settles himself on the bed opposite to Jin Ling.
“I couldn’t get him to talk either,” Ouyang Zizhen sighs, opening and closing the romance novel he has borrowed from Gusu Lan’s library.
“Just leave me to die,” Jin Ling groans as he buries his face into the pillow.
Jin Ling wouldn’t mind if a fierce corpse would come out of nowhere and take him to the fiery depths of the underworld. During lunch, he saw Ming Lihua and Lan Yuan whispering among themselves and saw just in time for Ming Lihua to slip a book of sorts into Lan Yuan’s hand before walking away into the crowd of disciples.
Great, they’re probably courting already. Go figure.
“You’ll miss dinner, Jin Ling,” Ouyang Zizhen pokes at his shoulder, “Come on, I know you keep complaining about the lack of flavor in Lan cuisine but you still need to eat.”
“Don’t wanna,” Jin Ling huffs, “Not hungry.”
“That’s not up to the young mistress’ palate, Zizhen, how about we go to Caiyi Town to eat?” Lan Jingyi offers.
There’s the rare tone of worry that Jin Ling finds surprising. Who knew Lan Jingyi gave an actual shit about him? He always thought that the only reason Lan Jingyi tolerates his presence is because he’s friends with Ouyang Zizhen and Lan Yuan.
“Just go without me,” Jin Ling turns around, his back facing them as he curls in on himself, “I’ll be fine on my own. Leave.”
“Young mistress, stop being difficult–”
“Please,” Jin Ling’s trembling voice cuts Lan Jingyi off, and the room falls silent.
“We’ll get you something to eat,” Ouyang Zizhen says gently after a beat, then he ushers Lan Jingyi out of the room.
Jin Ling doesn’t know how much time has passed, he spends his entire time alone staring at either the wall or the ceiling. Why does he have to fall for stupid perfect Lan Yuan? Stupid perfect Lan Yuan with his stupid perfect face, his stupid perfect smile, his stupid perfect voice, his stupid perfect fucking everything.
Jin Ling wakes up to hear knocking on his door, he ignores it in favor of wallowing in his self-pity and grogginess. But the knocks persist, slightly becoming louder even. Groaning, Jin Ling gets up from his bed, not bothering to put on his outer robe as he’ll make this conversation quick. He puts on the fiercest glare and meanest scowl he can muster and opens the door to give whoever dares to disturb him a piece of his mind, propriety be damned.
“What do you–” Jin Ling starts just as he slams the door open but his anger dissipates the moment he sees who’s on the other side, “...want?”
“Jin Ling,” Lan Yuan breathes out, eyes wide and cheeks pink as he holds a plate of buns, “I– uhm, I…” he swallows, eyes shifting from his face to his body then back to his face, “Jin Ling. Hi.”
Jin Ling merely raises an eyebrow at Lan Yuan’s response.
Lan Yuan clears his throat, raising the plate of food he has brought with him, “You missed dinner, Ming Lihua told me she didn’t see you during meals and I brought you something from the kitchens.”
Great. Now the perfect couple is parenting him. Just great. Way to go, Jin Ling. Woo.
“You didn’t have to bother yourself for my sake,” Jin Ling shakes his head and sighs, “I’m fine, you can tell Ming Lihua I’m fine, sorry she got you roped into this.”
Jin Ling feels incredibly defeated. Ming Lihua and Lan Yuan were probably bonding, having that good quality time together to be even more perfect than they already were. Now, Jin Ling just feels even shittier because he ruined that for Lan Yuan. He just wants to go back to sleep at this point.
He was about to close the door when Lan Yuan’s hand stopped it in time.
“No, Jin Ling, Ming Lihua didn’t–” Lan Yuan opens the door further, going inside of Jin Ling’s shared room with Ouyang Zizhen, “I was worried.”
“What for?” Jin Ling shrugs, “I’m right as rain.”
Lan Yuan presses his lips in a thin line, placing the plate of buns on Jin Ling’s bedside table. He gives Jin Ling a look, the look that Jin Ling knows that Lan Yuan isn’t buying whatever someone is saying and that he will not leave until he gets what he has come here to do. Jin Ling could only sigh, already knowing he’s lost this battle the moment the door revealed Lan Yuan.
Jin Ling could only let out a sigh, taking a piece of bun from the plate and taking a bite out of it. To his surprise, it wasn’t vegetables that hit his tastebuds. There’s tender pork and it’s sweet and savory, melting into his mouth. To his surprise, there’s mild spice in it, something he has almost forgotten during his stay at Cloud Recesses.
“Where’d you get these?” Jin Ling asks, taking another bun as he finishes the one he was holding before, “Cloud Recesses doesn’t serve these. They're really good,” He takes a bite and moans as the flavors wash over him, “I could marry these buns and the one who made them.”
The pink in Lan Yuan’s cheeks return and he looks somewhat bashful, avoiding Jin Ling’s gaze, “You’re right, Cloud Recesses doesn’t serve these,” Lan Yuan starts off, both of his hands fidget on his lap, “I made them. For you.”
“You didn’t have to–”
“I wanted to,” Lan Yuan smiles, and Jin Ling feels his heart melt.
I love you! I love you! I love you!
I love you, Jin Ling wants to say, I meant what I said that I'll marry you.
Why can’t I have you?
“Thank you,” Jin Ling says softly, heart beating loudly in his chest, he hopes Lan Yuan doesn’t hear how his heart screams Lan Yuan’s name over and over again.
Why can’t you know that I loved you from the start?
Jin Ling has finally completed the full year of his studies in Cloud Recesses, he couldn’t wait to run straight to Lotus Pier and see his uncle. Jiang Cheng has taken it upon himself to serve as council in Lanling Jin during Jin Ling’s stay in Gusu; Jin Ling can’t wait to hear everything his uncle has done in his absence, letters can never compare to hearing it from Jiang Cheng. Jin Ling has already finished packing most of his things, he’s ready to depart tomorrow first thing in the morning. He can’t wait to go back home–
Knock knock knock
Jin Ling looks at the door confused, everyone had a free day today, as far as he’s concerned, no one would look for him today. However, the insistent knocking on his door says otherwise. He schools his expression into something neutral, and he’s surprised to see Ming Lihua in front of him.
“Ming-guniang,” Jin Ling bows in greeting to which Ming Lihua returns with a soft greeting of “Jin-zongzhu.”
“Is there something you need from me?” Jin Ling asks, although it is not uncommon for Ming Lihua to approach him, it was usually in a public setting, never something this private.
Jin Ling observes Ming Lihua, she’s in her sect robes, her hair pinned up and the rouge staining her eyes, cheeks, and lips impeccable as always. In her dainty hands was a basket that seemed filled to the brim with a cloth covering the top of it. She looks like she’s going on a date. What would Ming Lihua need him for, exactly?
“Jin-zongzhu, I know you are busy and I am in no place to issue orders nor requests to you but you’re the only person I know that can do this,” Ming Lihua’s voice was filled with so much determination that Jin Ling was taken aback, “I can’t seem to find Head Disciple Lan Sizhui and he asked me bring these to him, but I have a date with Jiang Yinglian and I don’t want to be late–”
“You have a date with Ying-jie?” Jin Ling blurts out. Ming Lihua likes Jiang Yinglian? Not Lan Yuan?
“Shhh!” Ming Lihua covers his mouth on instinct, as she looks out to make sure no one heard, “I’m sorry– I didn’t mean to– It’s just, it’s still new and—”
“No. it’s fine, Ming-guniang,” Jin Ling tries his best to calm her down, and once he’s sure she’s okay, he carefully takes the basket from her hands, “I can take these to Sizhui.”
“You would?” Ming Lihua looks at him with stars in her eyes but Jin Ling can feel there’s more to it, “Yi-xiong said he last saw him by the pond past the Cold Springs, perhaps he’s still there,” she says with much insistence, “You’re the only one I can count on, Jin-zongzhu!”
“Alright, alright,” Jin Ling exits his room and closes the door, “Anything else that I should know?”
Ming Lihua just smiles, “Nope! Just bring your best self with you! Now, hurry, hurry, don’t keep Sizhui-ge waiting!”
Jin Ling watches as Ming Lihua turns to a corner and leaves, not before giving him a thumbs up. The sect leader finds himself confused at Ming Lihua’s insistent words and strange behaviour. Maybe it’s the nerves? After all, she’s going on a date with Jiang Yinglian, the coolest senior martial sister Jin Ling has been blessed to have.
Jin Ling takes a peek in what’s inside the basket, it’s filled with various food that it dawns on Jin Ling what he’s walking himself into. Ming Lihua is rejecting Lan Yuan’s attempt at a date. Ming Lihua has chosen Jin Ling to be the bearer of bad news that she has chosen Jiang Yinglian over Lan Yuan.
Fuck.
His mind is running a hundred miles a minute, how will he break the news to Lan Yuan? He’s going to be so heart broken! Ming Lihua couldn’t even find it in her heart to reject him personally? Ming Lihua, what on earth did you put Jin Ling into? Then Jin Ling’s thoughts break from his downward spiral when he trips on a branch. Fuck. He braces to meet the ground but a pair of arms catch him just in time.
Jin Ling looks up to his would-be savior and finds kind gray eyes staring into his soul.
Shit.
“L-Lan Yuan– I–”
“Are you alright, Jin Ling?” Lan Yuan asks, holding Jin Ling’s hand as he leads him beneath a tree.
“I’m fine, thanks for catching me,” Jin Ling sighs.
Then the scent of flora catches Jin Ling’s attention. Peonies. Lotuses. Those flowers don’t grow here in Gusu, the land is too dry and the air too cold. To his surprise, the clearing he usually spends his time in is covered with white peonies and the pond filled with red lotuses. Jin Ling turns to look at Lan Yuan, who carefully takes the basket from his hands.
Jin Ling couldn’t find the words to say, so he settled for watching Lan Yuan set down the blanket on the ground and setting down containers of food on top of it. Once Lan Yuan’s done, he motions for Jin Ling to sit beside him. Jin Ling blinks, once, twice, then does what the older man has silently asked of him.
“I know you probably have a lot of questions,” Lan Yuan starts, his voice a tad bit shaky and hands fidgeting on his lap, “The flowers, the picnic, Ming Lihua, all of this… I guess I should explain.”
Fuck. Ming Lihua. How is Jin Ling supposed to tell Lan Yuan that Ming Lihua has rejected him after all the effort he’s done!?
“Lan Yuan–” Jin Ling attempts to start but Lan Yuan speaks at the same time, “Jin Ling–”
Jin Ling finds himself blushing when Lan Yuan takes both of his hands in his, “Can I go first, Jin Ling? Please?”
Lan Yuan’s eyes were wide and pleading, there’s pink adorning his cheeks that’s spreading down his neck and onto his ears. Jin Ling can feel Lan Yuan’s hands tremble as they hold his hands, Lan Yuan’s nervous. Jin Ling swallows and nods in a daze, unable to find the voice to talk under the rapt attention Lan Yuan is giving him.
“Jin Ling,” Lan Yuan holds his hand tighter and takes a deep breath, “I like you. I really really like you. So much.”
Jin Ling feels his breath hitch.
“At first, I didn’t know what to do with my feelings, I was content with pining from afar. I was content with just watching you, but then Ming Lihua, for some unknown reason, figured out the feelings I’ve always had for you. She told me to pursue you, pushed me to fight for these feelings, that I shouldn’t settle for pining over you,” Lan Yuan says, there’s a wistful smile atop his lips.
“That I should, at least, try to let you know of my feelings. I haven’t been a good friend, I am sorry, I have lied that all I felt for you was friendship when it has already blossomed into something more, has always been something more,” Lan Yuan leans his forehead against their joint hands, “I’m sorry it took me this long before finding the courage to tell you– every time you look at me, I feel myself getting weak in the knees, my breath stolen by your mere presence, and I find myself tongue-tied. I’ve wanted to tell you, but it took me two years to finally have the courage to confess.”
“I asked Wei-qianbei how I can preserve peonies and lotuses in this clearing because, based on Ming Lihua’s notes, you’ve always loved seeing them; I learned to cook char siu bao because it was something that you’d often eat as a source of comfort, I even asked Sect Leader Jiang about the recipe he uses, so it would bring you peace and comfort here in Cloud Recesses,” Lan Yuan looks at Jin Ling’s eyes, and Jin Ling finds himself drowning in depths of gray.
“I like you– No, I love you, Jin Ling,” Lan Yuan kisses the tips of Jin Ling’s fingers, “I know from that fateful meeting in Dafan mountain that I was meant to be yours, that moment our eyes met– you’ve captivated me and all I could do was fall harder for you. Jin Ling, do you accept me and the feelings that I’ll continue to harbor for you?”
Jin Ling doesn't understand, what does Lan Yuan mean that he likes, no, loves him!? He feels his heart about to come out of his chest, hearing it pound in his eardrums. Tears start to pool in the corners of his eyes, a flush creeping up to his face from feeling too much all at once. Jin Ling does the most logical thing to do in this situation:
“You idiot!” Jin Ling snatches his hands and pounds it on Lan Yuan’s chest, “How fucking dare you, Lan Yuan!”
“Jin Ling– I–” Lan Yuan’s face falls, bracing himself for Jin Ling’s ire and rejection.
“How dare you confess when I’ve been thinking that I lost my chance with you!” Jin Ling cries out, there’s tears streaming down his reddened cheeks, “I was mentally preparing myself to be rejected! I thought you liked Ming Lihua and I already lost my chance!”
“Stupid Lan Yuan! Stupid perfect Lan Yuan!” Jin Ling hiccups as he weakly punches Lan Yuan’s chest, “You’re so fucking stupid! Why didn’t you see that I loved you from the start!? Why did you make me think you loved someone else!?”
Apparently, Lan Yuan has selective hearing.
“You love me,” Lan Yuan’s face brightens so much it could rival the sun, “Jin Ling loves me!”
Lan Yuan tackles Jin Ling into the blanket, arms wrapped tightly around the sect leader. He laughs, it’s warm and bright and infectious that Jin Ling couldn’t help but follow suit. Jin Ling slowly wrap his arms around Lan Yuan, basking into the comfort that Lan Yuan’s being brings. He pulls him closer, like if he tries hard enough, their bodies could meld into one.
Lan Yuan leans his forehead against Jin Ling and holds his face gently, thumb brushing away the teartracks from his cheek. Jin Ling feels his heart pounding in his chest that he’s sure Lan Yuan could feel it this close, his heart could only shout Lan Yuan’s name and his answering smile makes Jin Ling know that his feelings are reciprocated after all this time. Slowly, Jin Ling closes the gap between them, sealing their new beginning.