Work Text:
The sky was glowing pink. It was captivating to look at; almost like a lava lamp or a pair of pretty eyes. The wind kindly flew past Ellie’s face, just giving her a feathery kiss on her cheeks and ears. Everything was so peaceful.
It was the opposite of what Ellie felt inside.
Her blood pumped quickly through her veins as if it had a time to pass; her heart knocking at her ribs like an uninvited guest.
Also, she was a little drunk.
“Oh, look at these flowers. They are soo beautiful!”, you slurred next to her and bent down to touch the colorful meadow beside you.
“Mm, yeah”, she said, glancing at you and rubbing her neck. “Come on, let’s get you home”
“Yeah, yeah”, you responded and got up, wobbling a little as you rose. Both of you resumed walking and the sound of gravel being crushed under your shoes echoed through the landscape. You were waking through the outskirts of the town, here was mostly fields and barely any people. Especially not at this time of the day.
Neither of you said anything for a moment. The night air was warm and inviting despite you living in Wyoming. Thank god for June and its heat that lingered like a heavy vanilla perfume until early hours.
Ellie felt like she was gonna bust.
She held her focus on the ground, watching her feet move on autopilot as she held a hand on your lower back to keep you steady. You followed her lead, radiating heat onto Ellie.
“Okay, what if the earth was flat?”, you said slowly from beside Ellie. Your voice was soft in her ear, almost like silk.
“It’s not”, she said back, biting her lip as she stifled a laugh.
“Yeah, but what if?”, you slurred and stopped walking.
Ellie smiled and tried her best to not meet your eyes.“And what if the world was made out of pudding?”
“God, that would be awesome”. You placed a hand on Ellie’s shoulder and clung onto it like she was a raft in the ocean. Ellie felt warm inside. “I’m starving”
”You can have something to eat when we, you know, get to your house”
“Ellieee”. Your hot breath was on her neck, so burning yet so pleasant. “No need to babysit me, I’m not that drunk”
“Yeah, right”, Ellie sighed and smiled.
“No, I swear”, you said, removing yourself from Ellie and standing up straight, leaving her hanging with a cold spot from where you had just been. “I’m basically sober, look”. Then you started to walk down the street like a line dancer with both your arms out. You wiggled a little but Ellie could tell you were trying your best to stay steady.
Lord, have mercy.
“Wow, impressive”. Ellie tried to press down her worry for you in the pits of her stomach. It would be fine. You would be fine. There was nothing to be worried about. Nothing.
“I knoow”, you said and turned to face Ellie. “Let’s get home now”. Then you began to skip on the gravel path and Ellie couldn’t do anything but to run after you, despite how intoxicated she was herself.
About a hundred meters in front of your house, you abruptly stopped. Ellie hurried up to you, praying that she would not need to hold your hair… again. She thought back to the party at Dina’s house that you had just left. But no, luckily you just stood there with your gaze angled up at the pink purple mess above you.
“Sky’s so pretty”, you mumbled, almost like a whisper.
You are, Ellie thought, a sparkling sensation floating through her body as you stepped closer to her. It was magnetic, she couldn’t help but to be drawn to you. She then took a deep breath, breathing in your perfume with those notes that she has grown to adore so much. Your scent felt like home to her.
That’s why it hurt so much when you got away from her and started walking back to your house. She knew it, of course she knew it - she wasn’t stupid. But it was in moments like this that she could pretend, even for just a minute, that this mattered as much to you as it did to her.
-
When Ellie got inside your one-room-house, music was streaming from your beat up pink cd player that you had found on patrol. You already sat on your bed, lazily staring at your wall.
“So, is this the after party, or?”, Ellie commented with a slight smile and sat down next to you. A small lamp was glowing in shades of yellow from your desk, and street lights shone through your only window. So it wasn’t exactly dark inside, but not bright on that hand either. Your face looked smooth in the dimly lit room, your figure casting a shadow on the wall behind you.
You let out a soft, but exhausted, laugh before yawning. “God, I’m so tired”
“I bet”, Ellie said and memories of you dancing with everyone and no one flooded her mind. “Come on, want me to help remove your makeup?”
She never really used makeup herself, people rarely did these days, but she had heard from Dina that it was not a good idea to fall asleep with it on. Even on nights where she was 2 milliseconds from passing out after a night out, Dina would insist on washing her million-dollar-flawless, at least according to herself, face.
“Aww, you are soo nice to me”, you slurred and placed your head on your shoulder. “My things are, uhm, in there”, you added and slowly pointed your arm at a drawer beside your desk.
After Ellie went up and got some soap and a wet cloth, she first stared at your face for a moment. You didn’t seem to notice her uncertain eyes and slightly shaking hand though , or at least you pretended not to. That wouldn’t have surprised Ellie, you were always kind like that.
Slowly, Ellie raised her hand with the wet cloth in and pressed to your smooth cheek, rubbing circles in slow motion. The water ran down her arm and sprinkled onto flannel shirt as she clenched the cloth. She was careful in her action, almost as if you would break if she touched you too harshly.
As the makeup that you had worn all night slowly but surely disappeared, her pulse grew quicker and she felt droplets of sweat wander down her forehead. She told herself that it was because she should have removed her long sleeved shirt before coming inside to your always so warm house.
But she knew it had no different heating system than other houses in little Jackson, that the only difference here was you. No matter how hard Ellie tried to repress that fact, you were her friend, she would eventually boil over like a pot with too much water. It was inevitable.
“Your hands are so soft, wow, how do you do that?”, you said after a few minutes of silence.
Ellie looked everywhere but in your eyes. “They are not”. Her words were short, almost as if thrown out of her mouth.
“Yes, they are”, you said and smiled. Ellie burned inside. “And warm too”. Before Ellie could say anything else, you took her hand and placed on your face, letting the backside brush your cheek. It was almost as if the words got stuck in Ellie’s throat, but you didn’t comment on it any further. Instead you fluttered your eyes closed, letting your wispy eyelashes rest against each other.
If she was brave enough, or maybe more drunk, she would have told you that you cheeks felt like warm velvet. So silky, so soft. But, she wasn’t any of that. Just a girl feeling like a speck of dust next to the galaxy that was you, so she just sat quiet next to you.
The night was fairly quiet by now, the record had move to a more slow song. Ellie felt a little dizzy which definitely wasn’t helped when you rested your head on her shoulder.
“It’s soo fun to be out with you”, you said after a while. “You should stop being alone in your shack”
“My shack?”. Ellie barely got out the words. Her throat felt like sandpaper. Breathe, idiot.
“Uhm, I mean cabin? Garage house, you know what I mean”, you slurred and patted her leg with a whimsy but feathery light touch.
Ellie wasn’t sure how to respond. “You think?”
“Yeah”. Soft and simple. Almost like a breath of fresh air. Ellie watched your mouth move and form sounds that escaped your delicate lips. “Everything is so easy with you”, you added. With every word you got closer to her so that she could feel the heat radiating of your skin as well as your liquor coated breath.
Then another, more upspeed song got Ellie out of her head. It was one that she recognised, but wasn't sure from where. The tones were quick, the rhythm captivating.
“Oh my go-od”, you almost yelled. “This is my favourite song”. From one second to another, so quick that Ellie barely had time to notice, you were standing in front of her, looking at her with big eyes. She met your eyes and they shone with excitement.
Then you reached out a hand, but she didn’t know how to move anymore. For a second or two she considered if she might have been sitting on a bottle of glue or something. What was wrong with her tonight?
”Come on, dance with me”, you said and smiled widely.
“Eh, I don’t-“, she began, looking you up and down. You still wore your party clothes, but they hung more loosely around your limbs now after the night out. The rim of your shirt was hanging on your shoulder, revealing your collarbone.
“Please, Ellie, for me?”, you almost whined and she couldn’t say no to that, so almost like drawn by a whirlwind she stood in front of you on the wooden floor.
Ellie felt a little awkward at first, her arms hanging like dead animals by her side, but luckily music and alcohol was a good recipe for loosening up. You took her hand and held it hard, your grip warm and comforting. Then you swayed back and forth to the rhythm of the song while your eyes were closed once again.
She stared at you, captivated by your moves like you were in an action filled movie. You were just so free in yourself, everything that she was not.
Then you opened your eyes for a moment, almost as if to say come on, so Ellie did. She took your hand and began to move her body like you, even though she felt like she was sinking slowly through the ground at first. But after a song or two, that feeling disappeared. It was just you and her and the music and you and you and you.
Images of you dancing through the night, glitter makeup coating your cheeks like honey, flew through her mind as she moved to the songs. Everybody’s eyes had been glued to you, Ellie’s included, watching you dance. But now, when the party was over, it was only her eyes that could see you.
She wanted that to mean something. Needed it to. But she knew, once again, she knew. It wasn’t like that. Would never be. A couple of shots ago this would have never happened. Despite her dazed state of mind, that much was still crystal clear to Ellie.
But it didn’t make her heart beat slower.
When the record was over, you let go of Ellie’s hand and laid down at your bed, your hair spread like a gloria as you stared at the roof. Ellie sat down next to you, her knees bent up on the unmade bed.
You sighed heavily. “God, I’m gonna feel like shit tomorrow”. Then you sat up quickly, pushing your body up with your arm and held your other hand in your hair. It hung over your face while you looked down at the bed.
“You will be fine”, Ellie said slowly with a small smile. She still wasn’t sober. The scenery in front of her, you, your room, the night, it was a little blurry. Almost as if her vision couldn’t quite keep up with the movement of her head. “Don’t think now”
“Really?”, you responded and looked up from under your hair with big eyes.
“Mhm”, she mumbled and patted your shoulder.
You were quiet for a moment, before sighing again. “But I’ve embarrassed myself so much”
Ellie was a little taken aback by your comment. You who had seemed so careless all night? You had nothing to be embarrassed about. Ellie didn’t think you even could embarrass yourself. Nobody was perfect but you were damn near close. The angel that you were.
It almost made her mad. If you weren’t so nice to her, and so lovely, and pretty, and, and, and. If only. Life would be so much easier for Ellie then.
“No, you haven’t”, she said firmly, but still soft.
“Yes, god, I can’t even remember everything”, you said with a little laugh. It rang like bells in Ellie’s ears, pitch perfect and heavenly.
“You’re good”
Because Ellie remembered. She definitely remembered. All night, you were everything she could think about. How you danced and smiled and gave her a wink across Dina’s living room when you met eyes. How could she not?
She also remembered you dancing with some guys, but she tried to forget that memory. It hurt, yes of course it did, but she could never say that. Never. So it was best to not think about it.
You just made it so hard. Especially when you acted like this. So close to her but yet so far. She was stupid, oh so stupid.
“And now I’m here a mess and you have to fix”, you said and brought Ellie out of her thoughts.
She tilted her head. “It’s okay, I don’t mind”, she said with her softest voice, almost as if you were a candle that she didn’t want to blow out.
Your eyes were tired and almost a little glossy. “Oh Ellie, I’m sorry”
“For what?”, she asked, not understanding where you were coming from. What could you possibly be sorry about?
Did you know? No, you couldn’t. She had been so good at hiding it.
“You are probably so tired and I’m keeping you up”, you said and interrupted Ellie’s train of thought like a wave of relief. You didn’t know then. But instead you looked like you were almost about to cry with your shiny eyes and trembling lower lip.
I’d do anything for you, she thought to herself. Not out loud, never out loud. All she wanted was to reach forward and place her fingertip on your velvet like lip to stop it from shaking.
“Don’t worry about it, I swear”, she said instead, while trying her best to sound convincing.
You smiled at her, your eyes meeting hers. “You have always been to kind to me”, you then said.
Ellie felt like someone took her guts and knitted them into a ball of yarn. It felt so good, you felt so good, yet it hurt so much.
You kept eye contact while Ellie was silent, before falling into her lap and hugging her body. Ellie let her eyes close for a second and rested against the bed frame. It all felt like a dream. A very pleasant dream. She never wanted to wake up.
“Don’t fall asleep yet”, she whispered, not sure if it was to you or herself.
“Why not?”, you mumbled into her shirt. “You are so warm”
Waves of heat washed over her, almost making her drown. It burned, almost stung at the same time as she wanted to keep you like this forever. Just you and her. You two.
It was a silly dream. A stupid one even. But in the glowing haze of liquor and your warm breath against her stomach, she couldn’t resist living in it for a moment. She imagined a world where you wanted to be close with her all hours of the week, not only after a certain percentage.
She got back to reality when you rose from her chest. You looked at her with something in your eyes that she just couldn’t pinpoint. Ellie’s breath hitched when you moved your hand and placed it on her cheek.
“Your eyes are so pretty, have I ever told you that?”, you said quietly. Ellie felt like she was dying inside.
She stayed quiet for a while before speaking, just staring into your shining eyes. “You’re very drunk, have I ever told you that?”
“I’m not”, you said quickly and tried to look serious, your face still close to hers.
Ellie laughed slightly, feeling her neck getting warmer and warmer. “Really?”, she mumbled.
“Mhm”, you said before falling into her arms again. ”I like you Ellie, you’re a good person”
Before Ellie even could respond, soft snores came out of your mouth. Instead she let you lay there for who knew how long as she watched the sky turn darker through your only window. Everytime she would relax slightly, the thoughts came into her mind again and a sense of guilt flooded through her body like a dark wave from the ocean, never leaving the shore alone and peaceful.
You weren’t hers and would never be.
Ellie could barely breathe anymore, her every inhale feeling heavy like concrete on her lungs. Having you on her chest didn’t exactly help either.
After everything between five minutes or two hours, she got out of your grip and put the duvet over your warm body. Then she brushed a piece of hair that clung to your forehead. Your hair was soft and messily spread out around your head.
Before she left your house, she stood in the doorway and looked at your sleeping figure. It seemed so peaceful, so calm.
Ellie’s heart beated as she closed the door.
You wouldn’t even remember this tomorrow.