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The theater was packed, but nothing chaotic like that of a fansign or a concert – these are friends and confidants after all – and they all blended together into a mass of cheering, buzzing noises. Jinyoung waved, and waved, catching everyone’s eyes and yet no one in particular. Hi5 premiere screening was a success, and it felt well-deserved after a lengthy 4 years delay. Looking out at the crowd full of his friends and costars, Jinyoung tried not to feel disappointed when the one person he wanted the most did not show.
"Jinyoung-ah," Jaebeom catches him by the elbow once the lights inside the theater had turned on and the guests were allowed space to mingle. Behind him, Youngjae and Yugyeom tailed their leader closely. They all wore a big grin on their faces. “Congrats! You did really well.”
“Hyung, you finally show us your abs!” Yugyeom chimed in, his voice high and bright like a bell. Next to him, Youngjae cackled freely. Jinyoung chuckled along.
"Where's Seunie?” Jaebeom asked suddenly, “I haven’t seen him since the event started."
At his mention, Jinyoung was minutely frozen. He recovered quickly though, and just shrugged: “Catching a flight to LA.”
Jaebeom realized then that he had messed up. By nature, Jaebeom wasn’t known to be sensitive about these things, and he genuinely didn’t know that Jackson wouldn’t be there. The leader just defaulted that Jackson must come. Jinyoung and Jackson have been attached at the hips since the Seoul concert after all. The realization that Jackson wasn’t there came as a bit of a cold shock to Jaebeom. Then a hot flash of anger. Then disappointment.
"He's busy, Jinyoungie, you know how crazy his schedule is," Jaebeom tried to remedy.
"Yeah," Jinyoung's voice was small as he answered, barely above the bustle, and his eyes downcast, "I know. I just thought..."
He avoided the members’ eyes entirely. Out of shame and out of awkwardness. By his side, fingers balled into fists and then released with a sigh. He hated this. Jinyoung’s emotional turmoil is his and his only, and he wished he could just cast these feelings away when he’s not in the seclusion of his own four walls. The actor tried to excuse himself:
"Never mind that, hyung. Let me go say hi to Jisung-sunbaenim and then let's all go for a drink since everyone is here already.”
"Are you—" Jaebeom hesitated, "are you two alright, though? Everything seemed great after Bangkok. Why wouldn't he stay just one more day?"
Jinyoung almost snapped:
"Has anything ever changed? It's not his fault, you know. It never is. There is just always something out there waiting, needing to be graced by his great presence. Who am I to stand in the way of that?"
It was meant to be said as a joke, airy and playful, but Jaebeom couldn’t not sense the bitterness. At times like this, the leader was torn between being a good hyung to Jackson and defend him, and being a good hyung to Jinyoung and protect him at all costs.
Before Jaebeom could place a comforting hand on his shoulder, Jinyoung moved away, putting distance between the two of them.
"It's sunbaenim. I'm gonna go talk to him for a bit."
And true it was, Jisung sunbaenim was making a beeline their way, arm raised to get Jinyoung’s attention and a greeting already at the tip of his tongue. Jinyoung beat a strategized retreat. But even the seasoned actor and Jinyoung's ex-costar could sense something was wrong and Jaebeom heard him said carefully low: "Jinyoungie, are you alright?" before Jinyoung brushed him off and distracted him with questions about his wife.
---
Jisung had just meant to come over to say hi to his dongsaeng, but the closer he was to Jinyoung, the clearer it was that the young man wasn’t alright. His eyes were red-rimmed even under the makeup, and the looks his group members shot his way were that of people treading on thin ice.
"Jinyoungie, are you alright?" He asked.
"Sunbaenim," his dongsaeng forced a smile, "you came!"
"What's wrong?" Jisung fretted. This was, despite being an intimate screening, still a highly publicized event. There were cameras everywhere, and Jinyoung seemed shaken. For some reason, Jisung felt protective of this young man he had worked with so long ago.
"Is Boyoung-sunbaenim with you today, hyung?" Jinyoung made to look around for his wife, trying to divert the conversation. Jisung went with it and allowed him a dignified out of this awkward conversation.
"No, Boyoung is at a CF shot today. But I'm so proud of you, kiddo. Boyoung would have loved to congratulate you herself!”
“Thank you, hyung,” Jinyoung smiled shyly.
To Jisung, he is almost like a baby brother he never had. Jinyoung is a well-mannered young man, and Boyoung and he had had him over for dinner at the house before. Jinyoung was a delight around the kids, and his wife gushed about hers and Jinyoung’s shared love for romantic media. But speaking of romance…
“Where is this boyfriend you're always bragging about? You promised you’d introduce us, remember?"
By the stricken look on his face, Jisung knew he had touched a sore spot. It became very clear now why his eyes were so red. Jisung's expression soured.
"He's busy, sunbaenim." Jinyoung's smile was an unnatural one, despite how good of an actor the kid actually was. "We parted earlier this morning. What a shame, I’m sure he would have loved to meet you."
"Too busy for a summer blockbuster premiere? What kind of chaebol are you dating, kiddo?" Jisung tried to joke, but the squeeze he offered to Jinyoung's shoulder was a comforting one.
"Yeah," Jinyoung's gaze dropped, "He’s probably out of the country by now."
"Well, his loss. It was a good premiere, Jinyoung ah. You did so well! I'm so proud of you." Jisung patted his back.
Jinyoung's eyes crinkle, a touch of genuine happiness finally graced his pretty face:
"Thank you, sunbaenim. I'm glad you were able to make it."
"Of course, I wouldn't miss it for the world! I remember you kept talking about it during our Devil Judge filming sessions. Now, come here, let me introduce you to a friend of mine. He's a vintage film enthusiast, I think you two would get along well... ah, Hancheol, this is my dongsaeng, Park Jinyoung..."
---
Epilogue
"What went wrong, Nyoung-ah? What happened to us?"
Jackson asked. His words slurred together, and his voice was rough, gruffer than normal. The white flower pinned on the button hole of his black tux lay askew. He was leaning against the balcony for support, even though the cold open winds had sobered him up somewhat.
Jinyoung stood before him, elegant in pressed white tuxedo which appeared ever paler in the moonlight. The two of them were in a separate world from the reception inside. Any moment now, they would be calling for them to start the ceremony. All these years, Jackson had always wanted to see him stand at the altar... it just never occurred to him that it wouldn't be with Jackson himself.
"Nothing," replied Jinyoung, "nothing, Seun-ah. What do you mean?"
"Don't do this. Don't pretend there was never anything between us. You know that's a lie-"
"Nothing happened, Seun-ah. I still love you. I still look at you and feel my heart skip a beat."
"Then why..."
"I just couldn’t keep doing that to myself anymore. The endless waiting for you to come around, and then anxiously waiting for you to leave me again. I was never your priority.”
"But you don't love him." Jackson retaliated. He reached for Jinyoung's hand, and despised it when he caught the gleam of the diamonds on his fourth finger, "I know you don't, Jinyoung-ah. I see how you look at him. It's not love."
Jinyoung snatches his hand from Jackson as if burned, and fiddles with the ring. Jackson's gaze hardened at the mere sight of it, the way Jinyoung twirled it around his finger as if the thing brought him comfort.
"Do you love him?" Jackson asked earnestly.
Jinyoung’s posture stiffened, teeth sinking into his lower lip:
"He loves me," he said, somewhat indignantly, and Jackson couldn’t decide who he was trying to convince.
"No." Jackson doubled down, pushing himself off the balcony and stepping forward. "That's not the question. Do. You. Love him?"
“I—”
Jinyoung took a step back as Jackson advanced, a cornered animal seeking an escape. But Jackson wasn’t going to stop. Once Jackson Wang wanted something, he goes for it. The uncertainty he sensed in Jinyoung further urged him on. The only way to stop this madness was for Jinyoung to put his foot down.
"I could learn to," he stated with finality, twisting his ring again and watching the stone cut the multicolored lights. "He's here for me - and I could learn... there's no reason I can't be perfectly happy with... him."
Jackson’s steps faltered until he stopped completely.
"Hancheol loves me." Jinyoung reiterated, feeling the lump in his throat getting heavier and heavier to swallow. God, why does Jackson have to make everything so damn difficult for him? "And for once, I'd like to choose someone who chooses me back."
"Jinyoung—" Jackson reached out again, with what he hoped was a pleading look in his eyes. He didn't exactly come prepared with a speech; right now, he just knew that he didn't want to watch someone he'd loved for years belong to someone else. Funny how they had been on either side of the globe before, but the mere 30 centimeters distance currently between them seemed to stretch ever longer. Park Jinyoung was slipping further and further beyond his reach.
Jackson did not have the chance to say anything else before the event organizer poked her head out to announce that the ceremony was starting, and they needed the groom inside. ASAP.
"Please... don’t do this.” Jackson grabbed Jinyoung by the sleeve. There was no pretense now; Jackson was outright begging.
Jinyoung said nothing. He plucked Jackson from his sleeve and stalked inside.
Jackson stood outside for a long while after that, before finally gathering enough courage to make it inside. The venue was grand and beautiful, as expected of a union of such caliber – a third-generation chaebol and an A-list actor. But Jackson couldn’t bring himself to even admire the craftsmanship.
The procession was well finished by the time Jackson reached his place to stand by Jaebeom’s side in the front. Jaebeom shot him a displeased look, but quickly returned to the ceremony happening on the main stage.
"Kang Hancheol, do you take Park Jinyoung to be your lawfully wedded spouse?"
Said the officiant.
“I do.”
Said Kang Hancheol.
The officiant looked at Jinyoung then:
"Park Jinyoung, do you take Kang Hancheol to be your lawfully wedded spouse?"
Park Jinyoung looked at Kang Hancheol, then turned toward the crowd. His eyes fell on Jackson’s and remained there for a long time. Finally, he answered:
“I…”