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Driving into the Americana for the second night in a row, Deborah steals a look at Ava as she puts her Rolls in park. Despite the mood of the party celebrating their making it to number one in Late Night, Deborah feels pensive. She’s gotten so far, risked so much, and Winnie has reminded her that there is no pinnacle to rest on. The higher she gets, the harder it is to hold on. She lives for this challenge, she is at least as self-aware as to know that. But tonight the pressure just feels exhausting.
After giving the staff and crew a deserved celebration at the bar tonight, she and Ava agreed on a raincheck. They could both get some rest and celebrate on their own after the show tomorrow.
After getting out, Ava leans back into the car to say, “Hey. I’m proud of you.”
Deborah looks at her wryly and says, “You too, kid.”
Ava rolls her eyes and pushes the door closed.
Deborah watches her get out of the car, then closes her eyes. Deborah can’t remember feeling this flustered by someone. It makes her feel off her game. As she puts the car in gear, her mind races. She determines she can’t need Ava as badly as she does. It makes her feel out of control. It’s dangerous to let anyone get this close. Why can’t she see that?
__
As Deborah closes the heavy front door, the echo of her empty house is interrupted by the surprise of a package on her entryway table in the middle of the foyer. About the size of a bottle, and with a card attached. It’s from Bob. She smiles tightly, satisfied. Bob is the key person she needs to focus on pleasing right now. As network CEO, he’s the person with ultimate power over the show, which needs to be where her head is. The fact that he’s happy means the show is in his good graces. Making sure to keep his favor, she calls him up to thank him.
“Let me know if there’s anything else I can do”, he says. Deborah’s happy to get off the phone with him. Remembering how he made her skin crawl when he cornered her in the bathroom in his house. She drinks the Scotch alone, leaving half of the glass undrunk, and heads to bed.
Relieved to be off her feet and wrapped in her luxurious bedding, she sees a text from Ava, sent about a half hour ago.
“Hope you get good rest so I can keep you up tomorrow night.”
It sends a jolt to Deborah’s belly, and she snuggles in tighter with her phone, smiling at the screen.
“Hey”, Deborah replies, “getting there. I just had a glass of Scotch that Bob sent over.”
“Oh, cool”, Ava Replies.
A minute passes.
“Is that all he sent over?” Ava asks
Deborah tells her yes, and she called to thank him, and then she went to bed.
“Ah”.
“Is there a problem?” Deborah responds.
“Nah, it’s all good. You do you. You just said you wanted to be alone.”
Deborah is a little annoyed. “Ava. He’s the CEO of the network. I’m doing this because of the show. He wants to keep me happy, it’s a good thing for us. So, I need to keep him happy.”
“Got it”.
“I’m trying to keep the network off our backs. We got it to number one. I need him to trust that we can keep it there. And we don’t need the network and Winnie breathing down our neck to deliver bullshit content for them. I told him I thought I earned that, he agreed, and that was it.”
“God, look, I’m sorry. I get it. I can apparently exist happily in a polycule, but get jealous when you have a phone call.”
Deborah laughs and types, “Well, neither of us is immune to jealousy, speaking of the throuple”.
Ava is a little thrilled that the jealousy she thought she sensed from Deborah at her restaurant date was real.
“I’m looking forward to tomorrow night”, Deborah adds.
“So, am I.”
“Goodnight.”
—
Ava fine-tunes the last revisions for the final segment of tonight’s show. It’s funny how normal the energy backstage feels. Even though they just pulled off getting the first woman Late Night host to number one within months, it’s just another show. And tonight she gets to celebrate that just with Deborah. It’s hard to stay focused while Deborah is chatting away with her hair and makeup people. A white robe covers her outfit, and Ava has to concentrate not to flash back to the white robe she removed from Deborah only last week.
Ava is jolted back as Rob says suddenly “Holy shit. Winnie Landell is out”.
“Wait, what”? Ava can’t believe what she’s hearing.
“Oh no.” Deborah says, “Wonder what happened”.
Her tone of voice catches Ava. Something seems odd about it. But there’s no time to process it, as Deborah is called onto set.
She tries to make sense of what this means as she and Rob make their way to the soundstage. Suddenly, everything seems to have shifted, but she can’t make sense of why or how.
The audience seems to have shifted, too. There is a new sense of anticipation, expectation from them. They are right there with whatever Deborah is going to bring them and can’t wait for her to deliver it. Ava can’t help but feel pride. That Deborah has gotten here, finally. And that Ava helped her get there. That they got here together.
But Deborah is the one who has the audience in the palm of her hand. And Ava knows that is why Deborah does it. For them.
Suddenly, the band strikes up and the announcer’s voice booms, “Please welcome your new Queen of Late Night! Deborah Vance!”
She’s surprised as the curtains part to see not just Deborah, but four hulking dudes in faux-ancient-egypt garb carrying her out on a litter like Cleopatra. Deborah’s expression is somehow far away. And Ava feels suddenly thrust out of her orbit.
It’s not true, Ava consoles herself, Deborah has shown me that it’s not true. But doubt fills her mind as Deborah, regal, bathed in gold and the roar of the audience, takes position center stage. The roar is in response to what they built together, right? But the steely look in Deborah’s eyes makes her question if there’s anyone in the room besides Deborah, in the mind of Deborah Vance.
Ava’s mind is reeling as the four muscle dudes bow at Deborah’s feet, and she strikes the pose of a Greek goddess. The golden laurel wreath in her hair catches the light. Zeus’ own lightning seems to flash as Deborah transforms, suddenly larger than life, laughing. God, she’s incredible, Ava thinks, and the electricity crackles inside her too as she takes a deep breath and drinks in the sight.
But it’s not just laughing, Ava realizes. It’s a throaty cackle. The cackle of victory, of vanquishing her foes. There is glee on her face and triumph.
It’s this moment that Ava realizes that Deborah axed Winnie. That this is who Deborah is, not just the comedian devoted to her craft, imperfect, but learning. Deborah is the vanquisher, who will tear down anything that stands in her way. Ava’s stomach lurches. No matter what she says, Deborah’s station is alone, at the peak. And that’s all that can ever really exist for Deborah. Ava feels her mind whirl, grasping for that not to be true.
—
Deborah turns in a tour de force performance for the whole show, keeping up the image of the victorious goddess. It allows her to bask in the admiration of the guests and her crowds, to accept their congratulations and adulation. She seems to shine, radiant. After the show, admirers fill her dressing room, along with deliveries of flowers and champagne. The party atmosphere from the night before takes hold again as someone opens one of the bottles, and flutes are filled.
Ava is chatting with one of the writers when she notices Deborah’s eyes on her. She comes over and takes the champagne flute out of Ava’s hand, places it on a desk, and walks away, towards the door.
Ava tells the writer, “Excuse me, sorry about that”, and follows her out.
Deborah’s fiery eyes watch Ava as she ducks into her office to grab her stuff and hurriedly catches up with Deborah at the exit of the building. She gets in the passenger seat as the golden goddess turns the ignition, not saying a word.
__
Ava kicks off her shoes and hangs up her coat, as Deborah waits on the stairs for her.
Deborah watches this simple gesture and delights in it, having Ava with her in her home. Under the delight, she notices a shadow of fear. Last time Ava was in her home, everything seemed to change. She breathes deeply, remembering how free they were able to finally be with one another. How much they gave to one another. How easy it felt. Deborah wonders if it was all a mirage, this confirmation of how badly Ava wanted her. How much she would give her. And how freely she would take all that Deborah wanted to give her as well. As Ava looks up at her, steadily, wanting, Deborah’s doubts clear and fire races under her skin.
She holds her hand out for Ava.
Ava follows behind Deborah as they slowly climb the stairs, hand in hand. She drinks in how Deborah’s hips sway in the shimmering fabric, the way it frames her shoulders and wraps around her waist.
Still in her full get-up, Deborah feels slightly absurd in the costume. But she also can’t deny its effect on her, the way it seems to match the power she has felt running through her the whole night. She feels that power coursing through her. And it entwines seamlessly with her desire to take Ava.
Number one on Late Night. Her prize. And she got that prize with Ava. Because of their relationship, just as Ava said. She doesn’t understand this, their relationship. It goes against her better judgement, the ways she’s protected herself, kept herself in charge. It seems against propriety, against anything she imagined in her life before Ava. But time after time, good things have flowed from it. She has to admit that. So surely she can trust this, right? Maybe she can try trusting it.
Deborah closes the bedroom door behind her and advances on Ava. She takes Ava’s hands and says, “Hey.” Ava’s mouth twitches with a smile, and her eyes flash to the side. She shakes some tension off a bit and steadies herself. She looks in Deborah’s eyes, and then at her mouth.
“Thank you for coming back”, Deborah says. Deborah means to her home, but Ava senses the wider meaning in it.
Deborah’s eyes flash as she places her hands at Ava’s waist and squeezes, pulling Ava to her. Ava gasps at the pressure of Deborah’s hands on her and at the power she can sense still inhabiting Deborah from the night.
Deborah leans down and opens Ava’s mouth in a kiss. She explores Ava’s mouth with her tongue, as if to take possession of it. She licks across Ava’s open lips and accepts Ava’s tongue into her mouth. She pulls back and smiles as she inhales. As though she wants to become high on Ava.
Ava can feel the strength of Deborah’s desire for her, and it makes her quake. She feels it in the muscles twitching under her fingers as she moves her hands over the glittery sequins fabric. As she trails her fingers along the edge of the fabric at Deborah’s bare shoulder. And as she feels Deborah’s strong fingers easily undo her buttons and slide her cropped button down off her shoulders.
And she can see it in Deborah’s eyes that have gone dark as she looks down at her and says, “On your knees”.
Deborah’s eyes don’t move from Ava’s as she gathers up the gold fabric of her dress and lifts her leg onto the bench at the foot of her bed.
Watching this goddess, beaming and exposed, Ava gets on her knees, not just in want but in something almost like supplication. Her mind flashes to the muscle dudes bowing in front of Deborah earlier that night.
As Ava’s face leans in to her exposed cunt, Deborah lifts her face with a hand under her chin. “Drink me”, she says.
Ava sighs an exhale and lifts her hands to open Deborah up and take her in with her open mouth.
She moans as she tastes Deborah, her eyes closing to drink her in. She sucks and licks until Deborah’s wetness coats her mouth and chin. She can feel Deborah start to shiver, and grasps her ass with both hands to steady her. Deborah’s eyes are closed as she continues to shake, and Ava eases her down to the edge of the bed, not taking her mouth off of her.
Deborah’s eyes flash open again as she spreads her knees apart. Ava presses her tongue into her cunt, reaching as deeply as she can. Her face pressed against her, she presses her tongue in and out, lapping more of Deborah into her mouth. Deborah’s cunt is wide and wet and ready when Ava places her open mouth on her clit. She sucks at it gently, bringing it into her mouth while kneading it with her tongue.
Deborah’s thighs begin to tremble, and her eyes pierce Ava as she suddenly growls “Up” and abruptly pulls Ava up onto the bed.
“Off,” she orders, and Ava pulls off her black jeans and panties. Deborah eyes her. “That too.” And Ava pulls off her bra.
There is something animal in Deborah’s eyes, and Ava feels suddenly and thrillingly vulnerable lying naked in front of Deborah, still swathed in her royal garments.
Deborah notices as Ava shivers and her skin prickles from the sudden exposure to the air. And she notices her mouth open, almost as if in surprise, or in suspense.
Slowly, deliberately, Deb crawls onto the bed, hovering over Ava. She gathers the hem of her dress in one hand and watches as Ava presses her cunt up at the contact of Deborah’s bare thigh pressing between her legs. Ava shivers again. Deborah trails her fingernails through Ava’s pubic hair, causing Ava to shiver more. Deborah’s eyes meet Ava’s as she moves her thigh away. She teases her fingers lower until they are running through Ava’s soaked curls. Running her fingers over her swollen lips, Deborah’s breath catches at how wet she is. Ava lets out a little whine that it seems she has been holding on to.
Deborah gathers Ava’s wetness on her fingers and reaches up to coat her own lips with it. Bringing her bottom lip into her mouth to taste Ava there she presses two fingers into Ava slowly, easing them in. Ava’s eyes go wider. They haven’t left Deborah’s as she takes in this display of her luxuriating in her body, in her taste. Deborah watches this as she pulls her fingers out to coat Ava’s nipple in her wetness and sucks on it there. Deborah’s mouth opens in a deep moan of satisfaction at the sensation of Ava’s taste on her hard nipple. She feels consumed by Ava, and as slow as she’s trying to be for her, Deborah’s hunger is pulsing through her with the power she seems to wear today like a mantle.
Looking down at Ava, she sees in her eyes open wanting and trust. Ava is waiting for Deborah’s hunger.
Deborah seems to growl as she presses up to kiss Ava. Ava’s open mouth moans as she tastes herself on Deborah’s tongue as it claims her mouth. Deborah’s fingers hesitate at Ava’s opening until Ava opens up her knees and presses her body toward Deborah’s hand. Deborah, waiting for this invitation, plunges three fingers into Ava, inhaling sharply as Ava lets out a cry of satisfaction.
Deborah wants to hear that cry again and pumps her three fingers inside of Ava, allowing Ava to feel her fingers stretch her cunt. Ava’s voice cries out in want as Deborah braces herself with one hand planted above Ava’s head so that she can bring the full attention of her arm to pumping her fingers in and out of Ava. She watches Ava in awe of her and of the pleasure she gives Ava.
Ava reaches up her hands to hold onto Deborah’s planted above her head. She works them under Deborah’s fist as Deborah lifts her hand to place it over Ava’s overlapped palms. Pressing down again, she takes Ava up on the offer to pin down her hands.
Deborah feels her power flaming through her. She drinks in the sight of Ava making herself prone for Deborah, the sound of her hand slapping against Ava’s wetness as she fucks her hard and deep. And in the sight of Ava flexing her thighs, pressing down with her feet, and opening her thighs more to take more of Deborah in. She curls her fingers forward as she pumps to fill Ava.
Ava feels open and lavished by Deborah. She is in awe of having her so totally present and focused on her pleasure, on making her feel this well fucked, this embodied with joy.
Deborah bites her lip as she moves her thumb to Ava’s clit. Fucking Ava with her fingers and edging Ava closer and closer with her thumb, Deborah feels ecstasy move through her body at hearing Ava’s cries go higher. The intensity seems to surge through them both like an electric current. Ava is so close, and Deborah is right there.
Deborah smiles easily at her as Ava looks into her eyes, seeming to search there for her release.
But it’s not just wanting Deborah sees there. It’s all the unspoken devotion that Ava has seemed to carry for her year after year. Despite everything Deborah put her through, Ava has come back. She’s here. Her Ava is here. This realization surges through Deborah.
Ava notices this surge of intensity in Deborah’s eyes as she gasps. Deborah seems to glow, to beam. Ava looks up at the laurel crown in her hair. She notes how appropriate the crown is for how much she idolizes Deborah.
And the thought strikes Ava with a sudden fear. That she’s put Deborah on a pedestal like this before. And that’s when it all has come crashing down again in another betrayal. That building up Deborah again will mean her hopes will be dashed once more. Her mind flashes again to the triumphal glee in Deborah’s laugh on stage. Only minutes after Winnie was fired.
“She just needs to get out of my way”, Deborah had said at the celebration party.
Ava reaches down to grasp onto Deborah’s arms, in a sudden haze, searching out her eyes. “Deb. Deb… don’t hurt me.”
Deborah stops immediately, struck and confused. Sick that she might have hurt Ava. “What? What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”
Ava starts to tear up, as startled as Deborah by the abrupt shift. Deborah says, “Hey, come here”, and gathers Ava into her arms, placing them both against her pillows, worry in her eyes.
Deborah looks at Ava, gutted. “I’m so sorry, Ava, I didn’t mean to hurt you, just tell me what I did and I won’t do it again.”
Ava says, “It’s not, it’s just. I adore you, Deborah. You know that. And you must have known that for years. But you’ve pushed me away so many times. Just when things have gotten good. When you’ve gotten to a new peak.” Her lip quivers as she says, “That’s right when you push me away. And you’re at another peak.” Softly, she adds, “And I’m afraid of what you’re willing to do to stay there.”
The realization of this crashes on Deborah and makes her head spin. How could she imagine Ava would trust her again? That she is even worth trusting. How selfish is she to allow Ava to throw away her life on her? Of course, Deborah could never be worthy of Ava. Everyone she loves leaves her. Why would Ava trust her again? Without even meaning to, she caused Winnie to lose her job. She causes destruction for anyone that she touches.
Deborah gathers herself, going inside to the lonely place she has cultivated over so many years. Where she’s safe. “I’m sorry. You’re right. You don’t deserve that. You deserve way more than what I’ve given you, than what I can give you.” She looks away as she says, “Ava, you’re at a peak too, and you can’t let me, or this job, or our relationship drag you off of it. This won’t last forever. I won’t last forever. I don’t want to drag you down with me.” She turns her head to hide the tear on her cheek from Ava. “I don’t want to keep you from what, or who, could be out there waiting for you.”
Rousing, Ava gets in her line of sight. “Deborah, I’m fully inhabiting my life. That’s not up to you. I never imagined that it would get this far, but comedy was always my path too, not just yours. And does the throuple mean nothing to you? Or Ruby? I haven’t exactly been waiting around for you.” Deborah lets out a brief crooked smile.
“It’s not for want of trying, Deborah. But in every one of those relationships, or jobs, something was missing. What was missing was you, Deborah.” She laughs incredulous. “Actually, no, you weren't missing. I couldn't go a day, an hour, a minute without thinking of you.” She exhales.
“I don’t know what this means, where we are going, but I do know that I want to be wherever you are. That hasn’t changed. I want to watch you laugh, to feel you next to me, to see the parts of you that no one else does. You show me those parts, Deb. Don’t you see it’s because this is special? What we have is special?” She is exasperated.
“I know it’s special”, Deborah says, suddenly tired. “I don’t want you to be with anyone else. But I want to not be selfish for once in my life and let the person who means the most to me live.”
Ava answers, “Shouldn’t it be my choice too?” After a pause, “You’re not doing this again. I’m not letting you push me away like this again. You don’t get to decide alone what is right for me.”
Deborah, as if to herself, “I’ve been such a massive bitch. For decades of my life. All my life?" Pinching the bridge of her nose she says, "I don’t know that I deserve to be this lucky, to be this happy.” She laughs, exasperated with herself, “I’m bound to fuck this up. To do something to drive you away. Because I have driven away every single other person that mattered to me.”
Looking nowhere, she says, “It’s easier to do that than be left. To do it before someone else has the chance to leave me. It’s easier to be the reason why they betray me. Even though they think they have betrayed me it’s, it’s actually me who sets them up to. Because then I can be the author of my own betrayal. That way it’s still in my control.” She sighs, “and not because of what I most fear, that I was never worthy of them in the first place.”
Ava is looking on, silenced by this revelation. She realizes that it itself is a gift that Deborah has given her. Once more, showing more of herself to Ava than she has shown to perhaps anyone. She reaches up to tuck a stray hair back into the braids under Deborah’s crown. Her hand drops, heavy from the weight of this exchange. Feeling raw at the adoration she feels for Deborah, in hand with the uncertainty of whether Deborah can hold it. She wonders what she could do to make Deborah trust this. Laughing to herself, she wonders what Deborah could do to make Ava trust this, too. She swallows and cocks her mouth to the side, not knowing what to say.
After a few minutes, Deborah goes to wash up. Ava covers herself with a sheet. A song she heard at a club plays in her head “Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.” She worries her lip with her teeth.
__
In the bathroom, Deborah takes off her costume, shrugging it off her shoulders and down off her hips. Looking at herself in the mirror, she touches her laurel crown. Made of plastic leaves braided into a wire band, she unweaves her hair from it. Golden plastic leaves fall from her hands. She watches pensively as her crown comes undone. Alone again, the power she felt earlier rings hollow. It means nothing if she has it alone. What’s not hollow is what is sitting on the other side of her closed door, what she shares with Ava. What they’ve built together. And that she’s finally letting another person in, to see her. As much as it terrifies her. She realizes then that she’d do anything to keep Ava with her.
__
Opening the door with a pair of silk pajamas in her hands, Deborah’s stomach drops to see Ava buttoning her shirt back up, her pants already up over her hips again.
“Where are you going?”
“I didn’t know if you wanted me to stay. It seems like you want to be alone.”
A slight panic rises in Deborah. “No, I mean, I don’t want you to leave.”
Ava looks torn, her fingers paused at her buttons.
She can’t say no to Deborah. She walks over to grab the pajamas from Deborah. She places them on the bench and undresses. She sits on the side of the bed.
Deborah says to her, “You told me yesterday you think I do believe in something.”
Ava is weary, “Yeah”.
Looking uneasy, Deborah goes on, “You know, I think you’re the only person who has seen that.” She pauses, “That I’ve let see that. That I want to see that.” After a pause, “I told you already, I know I don’t deserve another chance. But I promise I will make it up to you. Show you that you can believe me.”
Ava swallows to keep her tears at bay.
“Prove it”, she says.
“Okay…” Deborah says, glancing around uncertainly. Feeling at a loss.
Ava closes her eyes and breathes deeply, exasperated.
“Okay,” Deborah says again with certainty. Trying to convey a confidence she can’t muster herself.
Ava turns away and gets under the covers.
Uncertainty still plays in Deborah’s eyes. She wonders if she’s even capable of proving it to Ava.
And that scares her. As much as it scares Ava.
__
Ava wakes with Deborah’s arms around her, her face buried in the back of her neck. She’s not one for pajamas, so can easily feel the rise and fall of Deborah’s silk garment as she breathes against her back.
She notices the sound of a bird cooing outside the window in the garden. She registers that it’s a mourning dove. Or is it morning dove? She’s always wondered which was accurate. Is it “mourning” because it sounds like someone grieving? Or is it “morning” because they coo in the early hours? Ava hopes it’s the latter.