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“Play for me!” Shinichiro grins widely as he sits at your chair in your room. You sit on your bed, your guitar in your hand.
You were still in your school uniforms. Shinichiro and you were with your friends and when everyone dispersed to go home, he decided to accompany you home. It wasn't something new. Your house was like another home for him. Your parents knew him well, and his family. It was so common for him to come to your house after school that room privileges were already earned.
“Shin,” You giggle, shy.
Shy because playing in front of someone was always an embarrassment to you. Even if that someone was your best friend. Especially because all the songs you wrote were… for him. You never let him find out though. Everytime he caught you writing lyrics to a new song he would get so excited to read. Half of the time you hid your notebook from him.
“C’monnnn!” He pouted. “I am your best friend. I need to have some benefits.”
“Play for me please. I will always be your #1 fan. And I wanna be the first to hear whatever your genius brain comes up with.”
It was so hard to take his comments and compliments at face value when the deeper meanings begged for you to grab a hold of them and… do something about it. Well, if there was a deeper meaning in the first place. Which, you very well knew, there wasn't any.
Shin made it abundantly clear. Not directly. But it was obvious. Shinichiro Sano had asked out so many girls in his life since you two became friends that you had lost count by now.
That's another thing that no one ever reciprocated those feelings. And you never understood how. People liked him. But girls, they never did. Not in that way. Especially with his history of asking out any girl he had an inkling of feelings for.
How could one not like him? His kind heart? Forgiving, caring and giving. He gave his all to everyone. He wore his heart on his sleeve. Open for anyone to use and hurt him. He was so funny, he made you laugh till your stomach and jaw hurt. He would soothe your cries and do anything for you to stop crying. Even if it ended up hurting him. He was so responsible and mature. Didn't girls like those things in a man?
People made fun of him behind his back. He took it in stride, though. Always laughing at himself along with him. Acting as if it didn't hurt him. But you knew better.
He had practically asked out every girl in the school. Some from outside school too. And unfortunately you were there for most of them. Asked out, rejected, asked out, rejected, asked out, rejected. The cycle continues. But never you.
They said that if you are a girl he would ask you out. But then… why not you? Were you not feminine enough for him? Is femininity what he liked? What did you do so wrong that you were never proposed to? Why did he not like you like that? Just what did you do wrong? Where did you go wrong? Was being his friend the crime? Did he not see you a potential partner because you were his best friend? Just his best friend?
“Fine, fine.” You played with the strings of your guitar as you looked down, a smile playing on your lips.
Getting in the groove you started the tune. The tune you had created and practiced to perfection. Till the music personified your emotions. Coloured them in your feelings. Exuberated with words you never could speak, expressions you hid, fondness you brushed away.
“I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
Breathing in your dust
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust”
He giggled and you smiled involuntarily. You continued singing.
“Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought
Maybe I just wanna be yours
I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours
Wanna be yours
Wanna be yours
Wanna be yours”
You panicked. For some reason you couldn't tear your gaze away from his deep, deep black eyes.
Fuck, did he catch on? Does he know now? Does he look disgusted by any chance?
“I wanna be your setting lotion (wanna be)
Hold your hair in deep devotion (How deep?)
At least as deep as the Pacific Ocean
Now I wanna be yours”
Shinichiro wasn't smiling. His eyes had gone dark. Expression passive and hard to read. You had never seen him like this. It was kinda scaring you. You willed yourself to continue.
“Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought
Maybe I just wanna be yours
I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours
Wanna be yours
Wanna be yours
Wanna be yours
Wanna be yours
Wanna be yours
Wanna be yours
Wanna be yours
(Wanna be yours)”
You eased the song to an end by a few slow, soft strings of your guitar. Slowly you kept the guitar beside you. But the way Shinichiro looked at you made you yearn for the feeling of the guitar on you. It acted as a shield.
“What happened?” You chuckled nervously. That made Shinichiro shake out of his stupor. He grinned. But something told you it wasn't true.
“Nothing.” He smiled.
“That was a wonderful song. I loved the music so much. And the words really displayed how strong the singer feels. Amazing experience, thank you (name).” At least that felt honest, so you smiled back.
“Thank you, Shin.”
“So,” he stood up, leaning against your study table now and crossing his arms. He wiggled his eyebrows. “Who did you write this for, hm?”
“What?” Your eyes widened.
“Oh c’mon. Who’s the lucky guy? Whom did you write it for? Who was the inspiration? Tell me!”
“Shin-”
“Nooo tell me! Tell me! I deserve to know! You have a crush and I don't know? Blasphemous!” He dramatized it a bit.
So you had no choice but to lie.
“Someone.” You acted smug. Acting all cool and mysterious.
What other choice did you have? Tell him? Confess? And then what? Lose years of friendship because you couldn't keep friends as friends and turned them into stupid feelings? How are you any better than the guys the girls in your friend group make fun of? Because you are a loser who isn't good enough for him? And you can't get over him? And seeing him on his knee in front of yet another girl broke your heart a bit more every single time?
The rest of the evening went with Shinichiro trying his hardest to make you open up but you willed your heart strong and continued to pretend. To not show how your heart was breaking into a hundred pieces with every lie you spewed. Until he eventually gave up. Thanks to your mom calling you both downstairs for lunch.
“Another day went by. You didn't confess. Just how long was this torture gonna continue?” You thought as you laid on your bed staring at the ceiling. A tear slipped from your eyes before you closed them shut and fell asleep.
—
The first thing you see the next morning predicts the mood of your entire day better than the meteorological department of japan.
Shin, with another girl. Yes it always hurts but it's nothing new. What's new and extremely shocking – even to Shin is – she. said. yes.
A girl said yes to his proposal. She wants him to date her. Shin is now dating a girl. They would most probably make it official soon. And they would fall in love. Would be one of the many couples in your school. Be highschool sweethearts. Go to university tog- ain’t no way Shin is going to a university. Get married. Have kids. Get ol-
Someone pushes against your shoulder as they pass by to enter the school building. “Watch where you're going.”
But you are too stunned to retort that it was their fault.
—
Shin boasts about his new girl in front of you, Benkei, Takeomi and Wakasa. They all roll their eyes. But still seem happy because he is happy. Except for you. One couldn't have a more fake smile than the one you had slapped on your face. He blabbers on and on about how he did it and what she said and the moment of confession. And of course he was exaggerating a lot, you saw it after all. But the others didn't believe much either. Except Takeomi, he valued every bullshit Shin spewed as if it was set in stone. You rolled your eyes.
“And when I finally said those words, down on one knee as I was. My knees hurt, they are red even now! But I didn't budge. I didn't recite anything of course, I said it all by heart. Then she-”
“I have class.” You cut him off and get up. The boys look up at you and nod. Shin pouts.
“What? Not everyone is as aimless and free as you. People have work.” You raise your hands in defense and smooth your skirt. Exiting the confines of the bench you move exit the otherwise empty classroom.
It's only when you passed a few corridors and entered an usually empty bathroom did you let your tears flow. You missed the class for that period. And wailed without hesitation. No one came inside.
—
“Bro, fuck my life.” You smash your fist against the punching bag hanging in front of you. It was a pretty gloomy looking basement, all greys and dirty whites; one could consider it abandoned by the fact that there was no one here.
You didn't confess and now it was too late. You had gotten over your earlier crying fit. Now the sadness had turned into anger. Not towards him or the girl, but on you. It's all your fault. If only you had been brave enough. Had confessed earlier. Then maybe you would have saved yourself a heartbreak.
No. Of course you can't, couldn't. You couldn’t possibly ruin years and years of friendship. You two knew each other since early years of school. It was the most beautiful thing in your life. The security and safety you felt in this friendship with a guy was unprecedented, to you at least. Years of laughter, memories, mistakes, crimes albeit small and so many more friendships.
You backed away and sat on the floor, playing with your gloves. Your knuckles hurt with constant friction and force they were experiencing against them for at least thirty minutes straight. You sighed. You loved Shin too much to even risk a break up. Nevermind. It is what it is. You have cried enough the past few days, enough now.
“What's gotten into you?” Your eyes snap up and there you see Takeomi.
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I am talking about.” He walks towards you. “Been weird always if you ask me but, the past few days you’ve been weirder.”
“You think too much, Takeomi.” You shrug, choosing to say as little as needed.
“You know you aren't as evasive and cool as you think you are.”
“Fuck you man.”
“Just confess.”
“Huh?!” You look up at him, eyes wide.
“We all know. You have liked Shin for like, forever now. How long are you gonna pretend it doesn't hurt you, (name)?”
You are quiet for a minute or two before you mumble, “He is dating someone now.” No use of denying, they have always known.
“Oh c’mon. Do you really thi-” His phone rings. It's Shin.
“Confess, (name).” He spoke, voice of finality. Also sounded as if he knew something but you couldn't pinpoint what. With that he left you alone. And you continued your pity party some time more.
—
Shinichiro wasn't happy.
Shouldn't he have been? He finally had a girlfriend! After so many years and so many confessions, this should have tasted like sweet victory. But… it doesn't.
The girl is amazing. Sweet and cute. Smart, great at history and talented at playing the harp. Definitely above his league. He doesn't understand how he managed to get her as a girlfriend.
But it wasn't even the league difference that made him feel out of place. It was the pain.
Did he even qualify to feel hurt when it was him in a relationship and not you. He had a girlfriend, he was set, right? She seemed to like him, and seemed to enjoy their relationship. All seemed good.
But how can one erase years of yearning? The pining he did after you ever since he met you. He accepts that it was just infatuation in the beginning, a girl became friends with him. Then it was an emotional connection and a strong friendship when he lost his dad and mom one after the other. Then as he turned towards teenage, it was a crush. He liked you. A lot. Everything about you made his heart race, his throat dry and his mind reel.
He remembers how he would always be with you. Is Shin at home? No. Of course he isn't.
Where is he? With (name) of course.
Where are they? Probably doing stupid things together.
Shin would always hang out with you. At your place, at his place. At school. After school. At convenience stores. With his gang. With his friends. With his siblings. At random places. At dangerous places. At the wrong places. Everywhere.
Study sessions together became a routine. Shin wasn't bad at studying. And when needed he would get the work done. He had his own unique ways of studying so studying with him was always fun.
But of course. The same old common ass reason that holds everyone in love with their best friend back. “What if I lose my friendship with them?”
So he never confessed. Always held back. Tried to forget his feelings by trying to date other girls. Soon it became a coping mechanism. He didn't even mean it at one point.
And when you played the song to him a few days ago, confessing that you liked someone; Shin cried himself to sleep. Heart absolutely broken and shattered into pieces. All his hopes died at that moment. World became gloomier than the skies of London. The one person he found solace in might drift away from him, into someone else's arms. Just the thought alone could make him break down into another crying fit.
“Bro for fuck sakes just confess.” Wakasa rolled his eyes. He was so fucking done with this guy.
“She likes someone else.” He mumbles after a minute or two.
“No the fuck she doesn- Whatever. You do your job. Trust me on this. There is literally no reason for you to sulk all the time, you know? It's fucking pathetic man. Just ask her out and get dating already.”
“Yeah man this has been going on for like, forever.” Takeomi chimed in, sighing.
Benkei stayed quiet, empathetic towards his friend. He understood him, but knew that the other two weren't wrong either. Benkei knew you liked him just as much as he liked you if not more.
“Too risky.” Shin pouted. He played with the wall, poking it as he made himself small, arms wrapped around his legs and put his head in between them.
“Oh my fucking God.” Wakasa and Takeomi exclaimed in exasperation.
“Shin, let's have a talk.” Benkei’s voice was deep and comforting. Shin nodded.
—
The one day Shin wanted to desperately talk to you, you were nowhere to be found. In his nervousness, he forgot you had swimming practice.
So when you came back to your class freshly showered Shin almost knocked you over as he skated towards you. “Holy shit Shi-”
“We need to talk!” He exclaims, too loud.
“Okayyy…?”
“I am in love with you!”
The whole corridor quiets down. Not a single person dares utter even a gulp. It was luck that there were still ten minutes for class to start. Benkei, Wakasa and Takeomi watching from the sidelines hidden from view slapped their palms on their heads. This was anything but a romantic setting, and everything Benkei taught him went down the drain. He really wasn't smooth.
“I have been in love with you forever. Since the day I met you. I have never liked anyone other than you. It was, is and will always be you. Even if you decide you don't feel the same way. I’d understand.” He blabbered on and on without taking a single break all in one breath. “But till the day I die I will always hold you close to my heart. You mean everything to me. My best friend, my confidant, my crush, my world. You can say no if you want, that's alright. Please don't feel compelled to say yes just cause my dumbass couldn't control himself and confessed in front of everyone. I promise you this isn't one of those bullshit confessions I do almost everyday with every other girl. I truly mean it, (name). This is more important to me than my life.”
“Shin, shin, shin. Breathe.” You somehow find the will to muster up these words. What with the wide eyes, jaw on the floor, stunned as fuck expression you wore on your face.
When he does, he looks at you. As if waiting. Yeah he did say he would wait for your answer and you could never like him back but… well… that doesn't mean he would just not do anything, you know? He was a boy in love after all.
“But weren't you dating some other gi-”
“Broke up.” He cuts you off. He was buzzing with energy and adrenaline, and almost couldn't stand stable on his feet. “Broke up a day ago. She agreed. All good. Now?”
Everything was quiet for some time. You got your bearings right. A million thoughts in your mind and all a mush at the same time.
You never prepared yourself for when it would finally happen. If it would finally happen. And it did. And holy fuck was this more romantic than anything else Shin could have done-
“Oh wait, I forgot to get on my knees. I am so sorry.” He gets on one knee and looks up at you as if you hung the stars in the sky just for him. You would, if he asked.
You giggled. Then bent down and got on one knee too. Held his outstretched hand in yours and spoke, “I fucking love you too. So much and for so long. So consider this my confession too.”
Shin finally knew what his English teacher meant by ‘being on cloud nine’. Because he was. Irrevocably so.
“You- you do?” His voice was low, almost afraid.
“I do.” You matched his tone as you looked into his eyes and he did in yours.
“Can I hug you?”
“You can do anything you want.”
And Shin pulled you into the tightest hug you have ever received as you two sat on your knees on the corridor floor. He squeezed you close to him and didn't let you go.
“I love you, I love you, I love you, I love
you.”
“I love you too.”
The moment was broken by Tanaka-sensei’s scolding as he subjected you both to an hour of detention.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Knowing Shin and you, of course you two escaped school laughing out loud as you ran hand in hand.