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Kat’s eyes widened as Swann appeared at the window. Swann had actually made it. Kat had thought for certain it was all doomed when Corey had stepped outside, but of course Swann had pulled it off. If anyone could, it was Swann. She seemed timid, but when push came to shove Swann always had her back. Always.
Swann waved and Kat quickly pointed to the bottom of her window. Swann nodded and helped as Kat pulled the old ranch window as far up as it would go. From outside she could hear Nora talking to Corey. Swann gave her a quiet “Hey” in greeting and Kat couldn’t help but smile. For a moment she had been afraid she’d never hear Swann’s voice again. Just hearing it now settled a lot of Kat’s nerves.
She helped Swann through the window and held her hand up to keep Swann from saying anything else yet. She quietly pulled the window closed and the sounds of a progressively more pissed off Corey cut off as the window closed shut. She hoped Nora would be okay. If Corey did anything to her Kat would make sure he never could again.
But even thoughts of Corey faded fast as the reality of Swann standing in her room settled in. She felt a thrum pass through her, an energy she only felt when she was with Swann or the Abyss, as if she was only truly alive when she was with either of them.
“You made it!” Kat said as she turned to Swann. Swann hopped in place, clearly feeling some of the same energy herself.
“We’re gonna watch the meteor shower! Let’s go, you gotta come!” Swann blurted out. Kat’s mind raced as her excitement built. Thoughts of a lunar eclipse went through her head, but Kat focused on what she needed to do if they were going to sneak out.
“Nora’s keeping Corey and Dylan busy so they won’t hear us,” Swann continued, confirming Kat’s suspicions.
“Yeah, I’m so out of here” Kat said slowly, her brain still processing everything. Watching a meteor shower with everyone sounded absolutely amazing. Really there was only one thing that could make it better. “Can we watch it at the Abyss you think?” She asked.
“Uh, yeah!” Swann said but Kat could see some of the excitement draining out of Swann. At first Kat thought maybe Swann didn’t want to watch it there, which was a bit of a bummer but not a big deal, but the silence stretched. She saw Swann glance up at her hat and Kat’s own mood soured a little.
The hat had been a dumb idea.
“I…ummm” Swann said, clearly at a loss for words. Her eyes fell to Kat’s feet and Kat grimaced. This was not how she wanted what might be her last night with Swann to go.
“So, I guess they told you,” Kat said, trying to keep her tone light. Swann looked back up at her and Kat could see the anguish in her eyes. That was the worst part. It was bad enough she was fucking dying, but she just had to hurt everyone around her while she did it.
“Yeah,” Swann managed to say. Kat sighed. Part of her was angry at her sister for yet again sticking her nose into business that had nothing to fucking do with her, but a larger part was angry she hadn’t already told Swann herself. She’d meant too, she trusted her, but every time she’d thought about how everything would change, how Swann would look at her like this, and she just fucking couldn’t.
“We’ve been really worried,” Swann said. Kat could sense where the conversation was going and decided it was time for a change of subject.
“I was so physed when I saw you guys outside,” Kat said with a smile. She glanced out the window. “Good thing Dylan and Corey were too stupid to notice.” She turned back to Swann. “So…what've I missed?" Swann stared into her eyes for a moment and Kat was relieved to see some of the sadness fade away, replaced with something else Kat couldn't quite place
“Geez-o. I really missed you,” Swann said finally. Kat smiled softly, marveling yet again that Swann Holloway was standing in her room ready to whisk her away.
“I know, I really missed you too. Like, so much,” Kat said honestly. She pictured the four of them watching the stars together and a question she had had earlier popped into her mind. “Where’s Autumn?” She asked. She hadn’t seen her when Nora and Swann had been sneaking around.
“I think she's gonna meet us later,” Swann said.
“Cool,” Kat said. “There's just, like, two things I wanna do before we bounce." Her mind started racing again and she lightly touched Swann's arm so she could move past her.
"Let me think,” she began as she moved towards the door. "Dylan's definitely gonna stick her nosy butt in here and see that I'm gone," she said as she listened at the door. She didn't hear anything yet, which was good. She moved away from the door. “Whatever, I'll deal with that later," Kat said dismissively. Whatever the punishment, it would be worth tonight. She flipped her radio on. The noise wouldn’t be unusual, she was always blasting music, and the sound would drown out her and Swann’s voices.
“Can I help?" Swann said slowly, looking around her room. She turned back towards Kat. “Need me to, like, barricade the door with my butt?” Swann asked, a smile creeping across her face.
Kat felt a smile already cross her own face and a laugh escaped her lips. When had she last smiled? The answer came to her quickly. The last time she'd been with Swann.
She shook her head and moved towards the bed, waving for Swann to follow.
“I'm glad you came, maniac" she said as she sat down. Swann always came for her. She realized she hadn't even been surprised when she'd seen the girl in her front yard with Nora.
“I knew you'd come," Kat said as Swann sat beside her. She stared forward, looking at nothing as Swann settled beside her. She could feel the girl’s warmth right next to her and she felt her body instantly relax at its presence. It was a feeling that had become more and more prevalent as the summer had gone on and she was just starting to understand what it might mean.
The silence stretched for a moment and Kat steeled herself. There were some things she wanted to tell Swann and this was the time.
“Thanks for having my back at the concert, you didn’t need to take the blame like that. But…it helped me deal with my parents. So…” Kat smiled, the image of Swann rushing forward to defend her from Dylan’s angry outburst flashing in her head. No one had ever done that for her. “Thanks,” She finished with a laugh.
“I was scared for you, I know your parents are, like, super strict,” Swann said. She could feel the girl shifting beside her, but Kat kept her eyes forward.
“They said a lot of bad things about you,” Kat admitted. “But I told them to shut up.” She’d said a lot of other things, attacking Swann had not gone well for her parents, but she’d spare Swann the exact details.
“I mean you’re my…,” Kat began, but her throat caught on the word, not sure if it was what she really meant. It was true. But was it enough? Did it really encompass everything Swann Holloway meant to her? She didn’t know, but she said it anyway. “Best friend.”
She let the word hang in the air for a moment. She still didn’t turn to look at Swann. It didn’t seem enough, but Kat wasn’t ready to say anything else. Honestly, she wasn’t sure she had time to be ready, but she decided to move on.
“So, this meteor shower idea sounds awesome!” She said.
“Yeah…” Swann agreed, but Kat could hear some of the girl’s earlier hesitation in her voice.
“It’s too bad Autumn’s not here,” Kat said, trying to distract her. “I can’t wait to see Nora too, she should have come up!” Beside her the silence stretched as Swann didn’t take any of her bait. “Dude, why’re you being so quiet?” Kat finally asked. “It’s weird.”
Still nothing.
“I bet you’re wondering…” Kat began as she finally turned towards Swann and saw the girl looking at her with that hurt look in her eyes again. She sighed. “‘What’s with the dumb hat?’ right?” She turned back away from Swann, unable to take it anymore.
“W-what? It looks good!” Swann blurted out. Kat turned towards her. Swann was trying to smile at her, Kat could tell, but as Kat stared at her the smile faded away before it could even be born.
“Yeah so…” Kat took a deep breath. Here goes nothing she though. She turned so Swann could get a good look at the back of her head. “I cut my hair off when I got home from the hospital. I’m…gonna lose it anyway so…” She took a deep breath and turned back towards Swann. “I just figured…” she began, but a coughing fit hit and she couldn’t finish the sentence. As the coughing started to die down, she tried to finish her sentence, but Swann interrupted her.
“It’s weed-whacker chic, dahling,” she in the most awful accent Kat had ever heard. Instantly all of the darkness that had been taking hold of her just vanished. Gone, just like that. She laughed, or at least tried to through the last of her coughs.
“Fuck you,” she managed to get out. She smiled, but then looked down. Now the next part. She reached up to rub the back of her head.
“You gotta help me fix it,” she said. She turned towards Swann and held her gaze. “I trust you. Could you trim the back for me?” She asked. “It’s a mess,” she said with a little laugh.
“Kat…” Swann said softly as she leaned in closer. “Of course I’ll trim it if you want.”
“Thanks,” Kat said. “I knew you’d be up for it.” It was true. She really couldn’t picture Swann saying no to her. She never had. Kat couldn’t help but wonder why that was, why she let her be so selfish.
“Thank you,” Swann said softly. Kat felt herself smiling at the warmth in Swann’s eyes. “For trusting me,” Swann finished. “I trust you.”
“Just let me finish this track list,” Kat said, hopping up to finish getting ready. “It’s…” She paused, but pushed through her hesitation. She trusted Swann. “It’s for you.”
She walked over to her desk and waved to indicate the rest of her room. “Let me know if you see those scissors.”
“On it,” Swann said firmly.
As Kat finished writing down all the band names on the tape and penning the note to go with it, Swann moved around the room. Kat marveled at how comfortable she was with that. Always before, when anyone came into her room, she’d felt this instant violation. There was none of that with Swann. No matter what Swann poked her nose in, Kat was fine with it. There weren’t any more secrets between them, she wanted Swann to know all of her.
Well, okay, maybe there was one more secret. She didn’t let Swann open the ranch case. That was more of a surprise than a secret anyway.
Finally, though, Swann came over to her desk.
“Hey,” Swann said, holding up the scissors. “You ready?” Kat looked at them and took a deep breath. She looked up at Swann.
“Yeah,” she said. She stood up and glanced at the door, listening briefly for Dylan or Corey. She looked back at Swann and Swann nervously glanced towards the bed. Kat reached out and grabbed her hand, tugging her towards it. She sat down and, after one last glance to make sure Swann had followed her, turned away so the back of her head was facing Swann.
“Okay,” Swann said shakily. Swann breathed out heavily before saying more firmly. “Try to hold still.”
Kat squared her shoulders and she thought she felt something lightly brush her, but when she looked back Swann was still getting into position. She turned away.
“Here goes nothing,” Swann said, some of the nerves creeping back into her voice. A hand brushed the side of her neck, and she heard the first snip of the scissors. Something about the sound of it and the light touch on her neck made her whole body tense. She felt Swann reposition on the bed and two hands lightly grasped her sides. Swann pulled on her and Kat scooted back into Swann. She felt the girl’s warmth again, but even that couldn’t distract her from another snip of the scissors.
When she had cut her own hair she hadn’t cried. She’d hacked off the vast majority of it and felt nothing but rage. It had felt good to take her anger out on something, felt right to be doing this to her body instead of waiting for it to do it to her.
She felt none of that now. It was so stupid, Swann was just snipping the last few stray hairs on her hack job, but she suddenly felt like sobbing. Her eyes started to water and she scrunched them shut before blinking the tears away.
Then she felt a hand on her shoulder.
It was like the warmth of that hand traveled all the way down her body, washing away the hole in her stomach. She reached up her own hand and placed it on top of Swann’s. The snips continued, but with her hand on Swann’s she found she could face it this time.
“Done,” Swann said finally, taking her hand away. Kat reached up and rubbed her head. The feeling of the short hair still felt foreign to her, but she could tell Swann had evened out her hack job nicely.
The hand returned to her shoulder and suddenly she felt warm breath on the back of her neck. A shiver ran down her spine and Kat turned towards Swann in time to see the girl lean forward, her head coming to rest on Kat’s shoulder. At least she wasn’t the only one who felt overwhelmed.
“Thanks,” Kat said softly, trying to push the full force of all of her feelings into the word. It wasn’t enough, but she turned as Swann lifted her head off her shoulder. She scooped up a pile of her hair, there was more than she thought there’d be, and took it in her hand. She turned towards Swann and let all of her barriers fall.
“I want you to have this. For you…” She smiled at Swann. “To remember tonight. And…” She handed the hair over to Swann, cupping her hand just briefly. “To remember me,” she finished with a laugh, unable to not laugh at herself slightly. Damn this was embarrassing, but she knew Swann would get it. Swann tucked the hair away and Kat leaned forward, turning away from her. She thought of the rest of the night, of meeting the other girls. Swann seeing her like this was one thing, but the others? What would they think?
“Be honest,” she said. “Do I look dumb?”
“I…really like the way you look.” Swann said. Kat looked at her and Swann held her gaze. There was nothing but honesty there. Honesty, and…well Kat could only describe it as love.
“Really?” She asked.
“Really,” Swann said and Kat could feel her whole face start to burn. She turned away before Swann could see it.
“Oh, uh,” Swann said as she shifted around. She laughed slightly before reaching into her fanny pack and bringing out her camera. Kat rolled her eyes and scoffed, but she couldn’t help but smile. Someone else might find it gauche to film a memory of hacking your hair off because of cancer, but Swann never shied away from capturing anything, even if it was sad. It's part of what Kat loved about her. And she did love her. She could admit that now.
Kat scoot back and got in position as Swann brought up the camera.
“Okay action,” Swann called.
“What should I do?” Kat asked.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Swann said.
“On camera?” Kat asked. She turned her head away, thinking about the last thing she’d been thinking. “No way.”
“Why not?!” Swann called out, way too loud, sounding offended.
“Wait, wait,” Kat tried to get out between laughs and coughs. “Shh…they’ll hear us.”
“They won’t,” Swann whispered back.
“Okay. My name is Kat Mikaelsen and soon…” She paused for dramatic effect before throwing up dual rock signs. “I’ll be dead!” It felt strangely…good to say out loud. On film. She rarely talked about it, wanted to talk about anything else really, but here and now, it felt good, like a weight lifted off her shoulders, a secret she’d been keeping from the most important person in her life finally told. “Mwhahaha!” She finished as she put her hands back down.
“Oh my god,” Swann groaned. “Kat…” Kat smiled because for once Swann didn’t look sad. She looked annoyed, exasperated even, but not sad. And Kat was happy that even this wouldn’t scare Swann off.
“Hey,” Kat said, getting Swann’s attention again. “Listen up, I’m gonna tell you about this bunch of weirdos. Swann, Nora, and Autumn. They’re crazy and amazing and can put on one hell of a show. Oh, and they’re stupid enough to be my best friends. I love them.” Swann’s eyes shifted. She wasn’t looking at her viewfinder anymore, there wasn’t a screen between her and Kat, they were just staring at each other.
She smiled. And Kat smiled back at her. And then she reached out and pulled Swann into a hug.
They stayed like that for a long time, holding each other and swaying to the music coming out of Kat’s radio.