Work Text:
I had just arrived this morning, I was going to stay all day and then go to make several embassies in the neighboring towns, to comfort the people who unfortunately were going through a terrible time due to the increase in the price of bread.
I stopped in the study of the curate of this town, and spent some of the time I had studying, before starting to celebrate the divine offices, when at a certain point Aldo, the cruciferous chaplain, entered.
I immediately understood that there was something strange in his face, as if he were there to announce a misfortune or concern to me.
"A strange visit, strange indeed, most illustrious monsignor" was the first thing he said to me, stammering between the words.
I asked him what he meant by that, and he in an expressive tone told me about him.
For a second I thought it was a joke, or maybe he was wrong, but his expression continued to remain fearful.
I understood. finally the wait was over
Of course I told him to let him in, which made Aldo strange
For the next five minutes he continued to ask me if I understood who we were talking about, even trying to convince me that he had come to murder me (I had received death threats in the past, so his fears were not unfounded) and that therefore we had to send him away with an excuse
To all his worries I continued to tell him to let him in, I certainly couldn't ignore him or chase him away, Carlo wouldn't have done it
By now understanding the situation, my colleague resigned himself and went to call him, while I immersed myself in what seemed to be memories of the past
I was 15 years old, it was the solemn day of San Giovanni in Conca, so I had stayed in the church to help the friars, I thought I was alone in the pew area
Then at a certain point they arrived
A group of noble boys, all of whom lived in those areas, had passed by here
It was clear from their expressions that they certainly weren't here to pray
They started to snicker, to make faces at me, laughing among themselves (something that didn't happen so rarely, I had somehow managed to become the target of their taunts)
Then I saw him, in the middle of them, those blue eyes that seemed to "lower" when they met mine
The group revolved around him, obviously because of his fame (a few years ago he had kidnapped his mother together with his siblings, to prevent her from remarrying again), they felt "stronger"
I tried to ignore them, and I began to pray while they walked away as if they had won a game I had proposed
I returned to the present when I heard the door open, revealing that same nobleman, now with the signs of time making themselves felt
He seemed to have spent a sleepless night, judging by the furrows under his eyes, and almost "awed"
He was beautiful
I let Aldo out, who seemed to be casting puzzled glances at me
Left alone I approached him, opening my arms to welcome him
He seemed... hesitant at first, a natural thing, probably no one had given him a little love (love that I will give him in all its forms)
I told him to lighten the situation that I was very sorry for not being the one to come to him, and to abandon him for all these years
"Sorry?"
He exclaimed, almost as if he didn't believe
"You know who I am? They told my name right?"
Hearing him I couldn't help but regret it, how could I have abandoned him?
At the same time I understood why he spoke like that: His reputation was now that of a dangerous murderer capable of the worst crimes
I still remember when they announced the news of his most famous murder: the one in the churchyard
They put a price on his head, 200 scudi for anyone who brought him to them
Only a couple of years later he was banished from the city
For a few years I didn't know anything about him, everyone said he had fled to an area between the municipalities of Lecco and Vercurago, and then told stories of crimes and his misdeeds
One would naturally think that a person like that couldn't have a conscience, a sort of remorse
But the more I looked at him, the more I understood that there was something different, more...human?
I confessed to him that I had been hoping for this moment for a long time, that of all my children he was the one I wanted closest to me
I waited for an answer, some good news that seemed to want to make me long for it
"Good news? I have hell in my heart!"
Instead, was the immediate response, almost as if I had offended him in some way
"Tell me, what good news do you expect from me?"
It was clear that a more direct approach was needed to make him understand, luckily I had a lot of time
I explained to him that it was God who was touching his heart, and in response he asked me where he was
My dear, God is everywhere, and today he came to give us good news
So i continued to tell him that God was near, that he was oppressing, disturbing and distressing his mind in order to make him understand one simple thing: There is salvation, even for him
"If there is this God, if he is what they say, what do you want him to do for me?"
The tone was almost a desperate lament, as if I were revealing something horrible to him, something impossible
The way he spoke, the way he looked at me, it was clear that something was moving
My words flowed like a river, creating a long and articulated speech that soon had an effect on him
My listener seemed to change expression every minute I spoke, until his eyes soon became red
And there he was, covering his face as if he were ashamed of it, and crying
It was a sad but necessary vision, I still wanted to comfort him, make him understand that he was safe and that he could soon repair that damage
But as soon as I tried to reach out my hand towards him, he almost threw it away
"NO, far away, far away from me you: do not dirty such an innocent and blessed hand!
You do not know all that this one you want to hold has done!"
Did he really think he didn't deserve the comparison?
I insisted, telling him that now that hand he hated so much could do now so much good charity
"A crowded people awaits you: so many innocent souls come to see you.
And who are you stopping with?"
I glanced briefly at the window, the choirs were far away but clearly audible
But I wanted to be with him, the long-lost sheep was more important now, the others are safe on the mountain
I stretched out my arms around his neck, something he almost wanted to avoid
But then he gave in, and finally leaned against me
Warm tears fell on my tunic, his face buried on my shoulder
He was there, he had finally returned to the flock
I wanted to tell him everything, how I wanted him next to me, how I had waited for his arrival, almost praying that one day he would come
But it wasn't the time, I couldn't ruin the embrace with my personal desires
Finally he regained his composure, releasing the embrace
I felt a sensation of emptiness when he did it, but that was immediately filled by the enlightened expression of him
"Truly great God. Truly good God.
I recognize myself now, I understand who I am; my iniquities are before me, I loathe myself.
And yet...and yet I feel a relief, a joy, yes a joy that I have never felt in this horrible life of mine!"
Then he told me everything:
How he had been commissioned by a lord to kidnap a girl who lived near Pescarenico (apparently for amorous reasons, which I found almost ridiculous) and how the girl had even aroused the pity of the leader of the thugs
I went pale hearing the story, and as soon as he finished I let Aldo in (whom I had to call back when he came in because he seemed dazed by something), so that he could look for the parish priest of the village
Thank God he was among the men of the church that I had to meet that day, so I prepared to give the news
Let's say that I expected more enthusiasm from the priest, who seemed to prefer to leave quickly
But I was a little expecting it, he still didn't know that my little sheep had finally found the way
I took my dear friend's hand and we went out, followed by the priest
The room almost froze at the sight of us, many emotions were present on their faces
We prepared everything we needed and when I finally gave the last instructions, I said goodbye
I walked away with the rest of the clergy in tow, leaving the two alone
Before leaving the study I had asked him if he wanted to have lunch with me, which he was enthusiastic about
I hope to be able to speak to him again in private, at least to give my "confession"