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To Osmund,
It was been years since I met you, but I think often about you. I learned more Tolmish so I can write you and not need a translator. My father offered me to other maybe husbands. I remember your secret you told me. You do not want a wife. I do not want to be a wife. I write to you because I will tell my father that I am not a daughter. I am a son. You are the only one who knows. By the time you read this, you will not are the only one. I am afraid, but I am more afraid to not say anything. Wish me luck. I hope you write me in return.
Your friend,
Cemil
Dear Cemil,
I am so glad to hear from you! I have thought about you a lot these past few years too. I wondered if you were okay and whether you were allowed to be a boy. I haven’t told my father my secret yet, and I don’t think I need to. So far no one wants to be my wife. I am relieved, but my father is angry. If I told him I don’t want a wife it would make him angrier.
Your Tolmish is very good! I will ask to learn Meskato so I can write you again in your language. It’s only fair. And I would like to come visit you in your empire someday. I have thought a lot about that too. Though if things didn’t go well with your father, maybe we could run away together, become like the princes in stories who vanish from their kingdoms and return when they are needed most to be heroes. Those princes usually get married at the end of their stories, but we might not have to. I do hope everything is alright for you so you don’t feel like you need to run away. If you do though, come find me.
Your friend,
Osmund
To Osmund,
A miracle happened. On the day I told my father I am a boy, a soothsayer made a prophecy. It spoke of the fourth son and an Anshan horse. My mother is Anshan and I have three older brothers. My father took this as a sign that I was destined to be his son. In our culture, it is not normal for a woman to become a man, but there is magic that can do it. My father wants to find someone who can magic me. I will be a boy like you soon! I like that you said I could run away with you. I bagged packed some things in case I need to, but I do not need to now. If you need to run away you can come here. We have the best horses. I want you to visit someday. Soon?
Your friend,
Cemil
Dear Cemil,
That really is a miracle! I’m jealous. I wish a miracle would happen here. I think that’s the only way I could come to visit you. My family hasn’t left Tolm for a long time. My father sees no reason to, and I think he knows if I went by myself I might not come back. I have another secret for you: I don’t really want to be a prince either. I’m no good at it. The only skill I really have is caring for horses. I want to come see your Meskato horses. I remember the ones you brought with you. They were beautiful. Is Kawah even more bad-tempered now that he’s older? (I’m sorry if I spelled his name wrong.) I really wish I could come visit you. What magic is it that they’re going to use? Shapeshifting magic is illegal here in Valcrest, but I imagine that’s what it would have to be. I’m so curious. If you know any artists, please ask them to draw you once you’re a boy. I’ll bet you’re really handsome. I wish you the best.
Your friend,
Osmund
Dear Cemil,
I haven’t gotten another letter from you in months and I’m worried. Did something go wrong? Or are you just busy now that you’re fulfilling a prophecy? I’m so jealous of you. I read about things like this happening in fiction all the time, but you’re really living it! I would love to hear more, when you have the time to write me back. I still th████████████████ery day Or if you did become so handsome that now you’re the one constantly meeting potential brides, don’t worry about me. I will likely hear news of you when you become emperor. I hope that isn’t for a while. Your father really cares about you, or so it seems.
Best wishes to you,
Osmund
Cemil,
I write you now in Meskuto. It is good pracbice. My Meskato not sa good sa your Tolmis. I want it to be good. I want to talq to you. Write to me, please.
Osmund
Dear Osmund,
I am so sorry I have not written you for almost a year. Much has happened. My Tolmish is better, I hope you can see. The spell worked. I am a boy now. It is strange, but it feels right. I made a new friend here too. I think you would like him. He is clever and very talented, though he does not enjoy riding horses like I do. You really should come visit. The three of us could have a very good time together.
Please do not think I forgot you. I will never forget your kindness. You were the first person I ever told my secret, and you accepted it without complaint. You were the first friend who called me by the name I wanted. You played with me as no one else would, even though I tried to play like a boy with my brothers. It gave me courage. I feared my father would not accept me, but I knew if you would, others might too, and they have. My new friend accepts me as you did, but you are special to me. I appreciate you learning Meskato for me. I struggled with Tolmish letters and writing the words backwards from what I know too. Keep practicing. Someday we will talk in both our languages together again.
Your friend,
Cemil
Dear Cemil,
I was so happy to read your letter. I’m still learning Meskato but I can’t write it well yet, so to not embarrass myself I’ll write to you in Tolmish for now. I’m glad you made a new friend. I’m jealous too. I don’t have many friends here. I do have friends, but I don’t think they really like me. They put up with me because I’m their prince. I wish I COULD run away to see you. Maybe your new friend wouldn’t like me though. I might be too boring. You and I could ride horses together though, and you could help me with my Meskato and I would help you with your Tolmish. You are getting really good so you might not need my help by the time I see you again. I pray to the heavens that I will see you again.
Your friend,
Regards,
Your friend,
Osmund
Dear Osmund,
My tenth birthday is soon. I wish you could be here to celebrate with me. I do not think you are boring. I keep your letters and sometimes I read them again. Send me more, please. I do have to hide them from my siblings, especially the brother I share with my mother. He is annoying. I do not think he likes that I am a boy now. You have an older sister too, correct? Is she annoying? I do not see my sisters much, but some of them are very annoying so I do not mind. I would rather see you again. Your friends sound foolish. You could be happy here. Please convince your father to let you visit. Run away if you need to.
Your friend,
Cemil
Dear Cemil,
I turned ten recently too. I hoped I would feel more grown up, but I don’t. My sister IS annoying, and she’s mean. Are your older brothers mean? My friends say that’s how big brothers and sisters are. I see how some of them are mean to their younger siblings, but my sister is meaner. My father is mean too, but it’s because he’s king. He has to discipline me so I can be a good king someday. I wish I didn’t have to be. I wish my mother hadn’t died. Maybe she could have had another son and then I could run away and let him be the prince instead. My father would just send soldiers after me if I ran away. I will talk to him and ask if I can visit though. Otherwise you are welcome to visit Valcrest.
Your friend,
Osmund
Dear Osmund,
I am sorry for taking so long to write you again. Now that I am a boy my father wants me to learn everything I might need to know as emperor. I do not even know if the prophecy means I will be the emperor someday. My brother Bayram is mean, and I do not think he would be a good emperor. If the choice were between me and him, I would rather it be me. Can your father not take another wife? I do not know much about Tolmish marriage customs. I do not like some of my siblings, but others are nice and I am glad. I wish you could have nice brothers and sisters too.
I realize I did not answer some questions from your older letters. Yes, Qahwah is old now and he does not let many people ride him. I am not a good artist but I did my best to draw myself for you. And I know you scratched it out in your letter, but I think about you every day too, even if it is just one thought. They are good thoughts. I forget if I told you, but I sulked in my room for days after we came back from Tolm because no one else would play with me like you did. I missed you, and I miss you still.
Your friend,
Cemil
Dear Cemil,
I guess you and your new friend are having lots of fun together. You probably have even more new friends now. In that case, I will say goodbye to you. I did like getting letters from you, but don’t feel obligated to send me more. I’m not worth your time.
Regards,
Osmund
Dear Osmund,
Did I say something to offend you? My Tolmish is not perfect so I am worried. I like writing to you. Does this mean you do not wish to write to me anymore? Please write to me. I want to know you are alright.
Your friend,
Cemil
Dear Osmund,
Every day I hope there will be another letter from you. I think of you whenever I go out riding. I do not know what else to say to you. I worry I will say the wrong thing. My brother Emre says I am more short-tempered than I was before. If I said anything to upset you, I am sorry. Please write to me.
Your friend,
Cemil
Dear Osmund,
My father is suspicious of me. I ask him over and over if there is any news from Tolm. I worry for you, that maybe you are sick or had an accident. No news of you, from him or from your letters. I know you said goodbye, but I do not want that. Maybe it was the drawing of me I sent you. Do you think I am ugly? I warned you I am not a good artist. I will see if I can ask for a better portrait. I often wonder what you look like now. Send me a portrait of yourself if you can. I eagerly await any word from you.
Your friend,
Cemil
Dear Osmund,
I am eleven now and still I have not heard from you. It saddens me. I pray that you are well. I am alright, except when I think of you and worry. Please please please write to me.
Your friend,
Cemil
Dear Cemil,
I am so angry I have been crying all evening. I found out my sister stole your last few letters and hid them from me all this time. She kept them so she could wave them in my face and rip them up while I watched. I was able to put them back together to read them, but there’s no sign of the drawing you sent. I guess she threw that out, or maybe she has it and is going to torment me with it later. I hate her. I hate my father too because he took her side. He’s just jealous because you and I are better friends than he and your father are. I hate it here. I want to run away and come see you, but the sea is so big, and my father would send his fastest ships to retrieve me. Or maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe he hates me too and he wouldn’t care that I’m gone. Heavens, I pray you don’t think I hate you too. I could never hate you, Cemil. I think you’re the best friend I have.
Osmund
Dear Osmund,
Words cannot describe the relief I felt when I got your letter, or the anger I felt when I read it. If I were emperor I would send an army to get you. Your father and sister sound cruel. You should not be treated that way. I hope some beast comes into your castle and eats them, then carries you here on its back. I am glad now that our marriage alliance failed, because I would not want us to live together with them. If I could I would marry you now as a man so you could come live here. If only it were that simple. My father has me studying laws. I will try to learn if there is a way I can bring you here so your father cannot follow you, or your sister.
Be strong, my friend. Have the same courage you gave me. Even if your father does not approve of you, I do, and others will too. Please continue to write me. If I do not hear from you, I will assume your sister is interfering again. If she is reading this, then she will know that I love her brother more than she does, and that I love him more than anyone will love her.
Your friend,
Cemil
Dear Cemil,
Your letter made me cry. A lot makes me cry these days. Father gets upset with me for it. He tells me it’s a sign of weakness, and no proper king ever cries. Good. I don’t want to be king. I’ll cry and cry until he disowns me. Then I’ll be free to cross the sea and come to you.
Also, what do you mean when you say you love me? I know the word is as flexible in Meskato as it is in Tolmish and it can mean a few things. I don’t understand how you would feel any of that for me. We met once and have exchanged a few letters since then. I don’t know if I can call this love, though I do appreciate your letters and everything you say and I am sad we cannot be together. So I ask again, what do you mean when you say you love me?
Your friend,
Osmund
Dear Osmund,
I have heard that Tolmishmen swear love to each other as a sign of deep friendship and brotherhood. That is how I meant it. You are my first confidant and my heart aches to know you are not treated with the same kindness and generosity you showed me. You mean more to me than some of my real brothers do. I am sad you cannot be here either. There is so much we could talk about, but writing it all is hard and not good enough. Please be my confidant again, because there is one thing I must say that I have not told anyone yet. Do you remember the friend I told you about? I think I love him too, but in the way maybe you thought I meant I love you. If such feelings are not accepted in your culture, I hope this does not upset you. I had to tell someone though.
Your friend,
Cemil
Dear Cemil,
My sister did not steal your letter this time. This time it is my fault for not writing. I had to do a lot of thinking after your last letter. At first I thought I was repulsed by your confession, and I didn’t want to write and tell you that. But over these past couple months I realize I was actually jealous. I don’t like girls the way other boys my age seem to. I don’t know if that means I like boys instead, but when I saw that you are in love with a boy I didn’t want to believe it, or I wanted to believe it was wrong because I know deep down if that’s how I am too then my father will… I actually don’t know what he would do but I don’t want to think about it. If your father is the same way, then we still have the option to run away together, all three of us. I want you to be happy, and if your friend makes you happy and you love him then he should come with us. I know it isn’t really that easy, but let’s pretend it is, okay?
Your friend,
Osmund
Dear Osmund,
In our culture, emperors are allowed to take lovers of any kind, so long as they also take wives and father heirs. I don’t know if I would want to take a wife, though it would be my duty and I might not have a choice. Since your father has not even taken a second wife after your mother’s passing, or even any lovers that could give him more children, I assume things are very different there. All the more reason for you to come here. I know how it feels to suspect things about yourself that you fear you cannot tell anyone. I will keep your secret, though I wish we did not have to keep secrets like this. When I am emperor, I cannot change the hearts of every citizen, but I will show them that people like me are not abominations. Then you and I can live as we please.
Come visit, Osmund. If you can, come to stay.
Your friend,
Cemil
Dear Cemil,
I am nearly twelve now and so far no one wants a marriage contract with me. I think my father is giving up hope, but even then I could not tell him I don’t want a wife at all. That secret I told you all those years ago remains true. As you said, I wish these weren’t the kinds of things we have to keep secret, but you are also right that you cannot change the minds of every person at once, and I doubt I could ever change my father’s mind about anything. You are lucky that you found someone you love already, even if it has to be a secret. No one loves me, except you in your brotherly way. I feel that way about you. You are good to me in a way I imagine a loving brother would be. If I could, I would return the favor, but you have enough brothers and sisters as it is, and I haven’t been able to do much for you except allow you to practice writing in Tolmish. If I came to stay with you, I would only get in the way. Thank you though. It’s nice to fantasize about.
Your friend,
Osmund
Dearest Osmund,
I will demand that you come to my father’s house. I cannot think of a reason yet that wouldn’t sound like we are trying to subjugate the Tolmish Isles, but give me time. Maybe we could pretend that you want to marry one of my sisters but my father won’t let any of them come to Valcrest after what happened between us. I know you don’t want a wife, but we can lie long enough for you to get here. Again, you would have to go back before your father considered you a hostage and waged war on us, but if you can be away from him for even a few weeks it would be worth it to see you again. You are still in my thoughts whenever I am with the horses. Let me know what you think.
Your friend,
Cemil
Respected Cemil,
Forgive my poor Meskato. I practice not as much as I want. Do nothing. Do not involve your sister. I must think.
Sincerely,
Osmund
Dearest Osmund,
Again I worry about you since I have received no letters for three months. Take the time you need to think, but not if staying in Valcrest is suffering for you.
I also write to you with another secret. This one is not mine, but it stings me. My friend whom I told you about, the one I think I love, told me he fancies my brother, Emre. I do not see why. Emre is callous to him, dismisses his kindness, and I doubt Emre likes anyone except our mother. It saddens me to see my friend’s affections wasted. I have not told him how I feel, and now I cannot or he will tease me for my jealousy, tell me I only like him because I want what my older brother has. It is Emre who envies me. I will treat my friend better than Emre ever would, and maybe someday he will realize I love him. My friend reads many stories, as you do. He complains about characters who pine after the wrong lover, and I bite my tongue. Do you read stories like that? What must I do to show him Emre is no good? I would think he could see that plainly, but his affections blind him. Or maybe I am blinded by my spite. I am confused and heartsick. Any advice you could give is appreciated.
Your friend,
Cemil
Dear Cemil,
I would have put this letter off for longer because I didn’t know what to say other than the truth. But I HAVE read stories like you described, and I have read ones with lovers who feel the way I do. So here is my latest secret that I fear I must tell you:
I think I love you, Cemil.
I say I think I do because I doubt I know what love feels like. And I mean it in more than the brotherly way. I kissed another boy recently. He’s cute and we were joking around and he didn’t kiss me because he likes me, but because a girl he likes dared him. It felt good, but I thought of you. I wondered what it would be like to kiss you instead. But I know you’re in love with your friend, and if he is as smart and talented as you say then he should see how wonderful you are and love you back. You deserve someone special. You told me once that I am special to you (I will not admit how many times I reread that letter) but all I’ve ever done is complain about my life to you and tell you how much I envy you. That is why I have decided I will not come to the Empire, even if you could find a way. I would only ruin things for you and spend my days wishing you cared for me the way you do in my dreams.
Maybe I won’t send this letter. I have almost torn it up a few times while writing it. If I do send it, and you pity me for my feelings, I only ask that you send me one last letter with a kind word or two I can keep close to my heart. You will be there always regardless.
Your friend (for now),
Osmund
Dearest Osmund,
By the time this letter reaches you, I may already be sailing to Tolm. I spoke to my father many times, but he dislikes your father greatly. He revealed to me that he was not truly angry with you the day we met, he used the accident as an excuse to deny the marriage alliance because he sensed what a cruel man your father is and wanted to protect me. However, I begged him to let me return to Valcrest to see you. He knows I have been writing to you all this time and that we are friends. I told him you are nothing like your father, and that you dislike the brute as much as anyone. My father agreed that if you are to become king, and I may someday become emperor, it would benefit us both to solidify our friendship. I did not tell him any of our secrets. I did not tell him that I would fly across the sea right now if I could to hold you in my arms. My dear Osmund, you say I have no reason to love you, but I do care for you. Soon you will know what it will be like to kiss me. Perhaps this is love, perhaps it is a boyhood crush, perhaps when we meet again our feelings will change, but we will not know until we see each other again in person.
Wait just a little longer, Osmund. I am coming for you.
Yours,
Cemil
Beloved Cemil,
Hopefully you find this letter. I won’t hide it too deep among your things but I want it to remain hidden until you are home and it comes into your hands when you are alone. You are off in your guest chambers and already that distance feels as vast as the night sky. This past week has been the happiest of my life. My heart has been galloping in my chest ever since we kissed a few days ago. And the look on Father’s face when you told him you were the princess he met when we were children! Evanor was so furious when she found out you were here for me and not to propose marriage to her instead. I haven’t had much reason to smile since my mother died, but these memories will have me smiling until we are able to see each other again.
I wanted to say thank you, for everything. For convincing your father to let you visit, for listening to me talk for nearly an hour the first chance we had to be alone together, for putting up with my childish Meskato (but I’m glad I finally got to practice it with someone!), and of course for going riding with me every day. It was a shame we were interrupted so often, but when you finally found an excuse to pull me away from everyone so you could kiss me I feared I would faint! You are the most beautiful person I have ever met, Cemil, and your kiss was a thousand times better than my first. I know Evanor is going to find some way to punish me for taking all of your attention and how you were only polite to her but refused every time she wanted to be alone with you too. I don’t care. She could destroy everything I own but she can’t take you from me. That is the greatest gift I could ever receive.
I will miss you terribly. I already do. I will be thirteen soon and maybe I can get my father to agree to let me visit you next, if our countries are to be friends now. I will try to kiss you again before you leave. If I don’t, then whenever you read this letter imagine I kissed you a hundred times.
Yours,
Osmund