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Namgyu woke up to a tap on his shoulder. He groaned as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. He looked around him. It was still dark in his room, so it was probably late at night.
“Namgyu…?” Thanos tapped him on the shoulder again. Namgyu jolted and looked at his boyfriend in the darkness.
“Subong? You need anything?” Namgyu’s eyelids felt heavy. He reached over at the nightstand, grabbing his glasses. He put on his glasses, readjusting them to sit perfectly on his nose.
“Do…you want to hang out tomorrow?” Subong mumbled. Namgyu barely registered what he said, considering the fact Subong was speaking quietly and Namgyu was still half-asleep. Though, he still understood the point that Subong was trying to get across. “Sure.” Namgyu smiled. “But you should get some rest so you can feel better in the morning”
Thanos nodded and got back in their bed. It was like this almost every night. Thanos would wake up, he would wake Namgyu up, ask to hang out, then go back to bed. But this time, it was different. Usually, he would be enthusiastic, energetic when waking up Namgyu. Tonight, he wasn’t energetic, drained even. He seemed timid and powerless, as if someone had taken all of his energy. Though, Namgyu didn’t think too much of it. He was probably just tired.
Yeah, tired.
—
“Namgyu…?” Subong muttered as he tapped Namgyu’s shoulder. Namgyu’s eyes fluttered open, yawning while doing so. He sat up, grabbing his glasses again from the nightstand. He groaned while stretching his arms upwards.
“I’m up, honey. You wanted to hang out today, right? I’ll go get ready.” Namgyu sprang up from the bed, slipping his feet into his slippers. He stumbled into the bathroom, putting his glasses on while walking. Thanos followed behind him, fidgeting with his rings. It was a small habit of his that nobody really noticed, except for Namgyu.
Only Namgyu noticed.
That was his thing.
Namgyu washed his face and brushed his teeth. Thanos was standing next to him, watching his every move. Namgyu noticed that Thanos was feeling off today. He was quiet. Thanos would always be talking about random things to Namgyu while he got ready, but he barely said a word today. As Namgyu grabbed a towel to dry his face with, he glanced at Thanos, who was staring at him.
“Subong, is something wrong? You’re more quiet than usual.” Namgyu asked him. Thanos’ face immediately turned red.
“Sorry, it’s just…” Thanos sighed and shut his mouth before he could finish his sentence. His eyes darted to the floor, squeezing his own fists tightly.
Namgyu looked at him with wide eyes. He nodded, as if he knew that Thanos would respond like that, and continued drying his face. Namgyu couldn’t help but worry about him. Thanos wasn’t being the person he usually was, and it was scaring him. He’s never seen Thanos acting like this, and they’ve known each other for at least seven years. Namgyu wanted to ignore the feeling of worry, but his head didn’t allow him to do so.
—
“So, where do you wanna go?” Namgyu asked as he got into the driver’s seat. Thanos slid into the passneger’s seat without a word.
“Can we go to the mall first?” Thanos asked while buckling his seat belt. Namgyu nodded and started the car.
The car ride was almost completely silent, except for the music that Namgyu had put on and the curses that Namgyu muttered under his breath when a random driver pissed him off. Thanos looked out in the window, resting his chin on his hand. He admired the scenery, the bright blue sky with few clouds. It was a typical scene, yet Thanos took the time to admire its true beautifulness. He looked back to face Namgyu, who was bobbing his head to the beats of the music. Thanos stuck his hand out, reaching for Namgyu’s. He slightly jumped in shock from the unexpected touch, but held Thanos’ hand. Thanos shut his eyes, wanting to sleep. He squeezed Namgyu’s hand tightly, not wanting to let go.
Ever.
Eventually, they made it to the mall. Namgyu parked their car in the parking lot. “We’re here.” He told Thanos. Thanos opened his eyes, yawning as he did so. He noticed that Namgyu never let go of his hand, which he was glad about. Though, he had to let go to get out of the car.
Namgyu and Thanos held hands as they walked into the building. They made a conversation, their first real conversation today.
“Which store do you wanna go to first?” Thanos asked Namgyu.
Namgyu put his finger on his chin, tapping it rhythmically. “Let’s go to the arcade!” He replied. Thanos smiled as they walked to the arcade store together.
“How many tokens do you want?” Thanos asked.
“I can pay for it myself, you know.” Namgyu grumbled.
“Let me pay for you, please.” Thanos insisted.
“You aren’t gonna get any?” Namgyu pouted. He felt bad about spending Thanos’ money.
“Nope. If you’re happy, I’m happy. I don’t mind paying.” He swiped his card, selecting the most tokens he could get on the card, which was 500.
“Did you seriously get the most expensive one?” Namgyu groaned while covering his mouth.
“Maybe.” Thanos innocently smiled. Namgyu grinned and took Thanos in for a tight hug. “I love you so much.” He whispered in Thanos’ ear. Hearing those words made him feel flustered, causing his face to burn up. Namgyu let go and collected his card, bouncing up and down excitedly. He grabbed Thanos’ hand, guiding him to a large claw machine.
“C’mon, Subong. Just play a game!” Namgyu said, pointing at the claw machine. It was full of plushies, all giant animals.
Thanos looked at him. “Okay, which one do you want?”
“Hmm…the black cat?” Namgyu pointed at a black cat with wide, green eyes. Its arms were open with a long body. Thanos nodded and swiped the card, costing ten tokens.
“You got this, I believe in you, man!” Namgyu exclaimed as he pat Thanos’ back. Thanos slightly stuck his tongue out, angling the claw as perfect as he could. The cat was close to the thing that would give you your prize, so he didn’t think it would be too hard. When he thought it was angled good enough, he pressed the grab button. Namgyu watched, anticipating the results.
It grasped the bottom of the plush, picking it up. Namgyu gasped loudly, hovering his hand over his mouth. Thanos’ eyes widened, surprised that he was able to get it first try. Until, the loose grip of the claw caused the plush to drop back down.
“No!” Thanos groaned, slamming his hands on the buttons. He buried his face in his hands in embarrassment. He turned to face Namgyu. “I’m sorry…” He said.
“Nonono, it’s okay. These things are scams anyway.” Namgyu reassured him.
Thanos stood back up straight. “No. I will get it. No matter how much it’s going to cost or take. I’ll do it for you.”
For Namgyu.
—
“Subong…this is the last of our tokens. Are you sure you want to do this?” Namgyu asked. They have been at the claw machine for about 45 minutes, retrying over and over again. They only had ten tokens left, their last try. A crowd had even formed around them, since it was hard to ignore the raging screams from them.
Thanos nodded. “This time…I’m sure…” He hesitantly swiped his card for the last time. “Deep breaths, you got this.” Namgyu patted his back. Thanos exhaled and maneuvered the claw. From their last 49 tries, they’ve learned tips, tricks, and other things to help win. Thanos just needed to put those to good use. He hovered the claw right above the plush. Namgyu was on the side, directing Thanos.
“Okay, go a bit right-that’s too much! Okay yeah, a bit more forward…there! Grab it!” Thanos slammed the grab button. The claw dropped down, clenching around the cat. It picked it up, slightly shaking as it did so. The crowd moved closer around the game. Thanos held the glass of the machine tightly, breathing heavily.
The claw shook as it fully went back up. Surprisingly, the cat didn’t drop. It slowly moved closer to the hole, still shaking side by side. It paused as it hovered above the hole.
The claw released its grasp, making the plush drop down through the hole. Namgyu and Thanos gasped in unison. Thanos quickly knelt down, retrieving his prize. The cat. The crowd clapped, cheering as if they were the ones who won.
Thanos handed Namgyu the cat. It was almost the same size of him. Namgyu smiled widely, hugging the animal tightly. “Thank you, thank you, Subong!” He said as he kissed Thanos. Thanos didn’t expect a kiss, but he wasn’t complaining at all. He blushed, shifting his feet.
It was worth all the time and money.
—
“Do you wanna go to another store or somewhere else?” Thanos asked as the walked out of the arcade.
“It’s your choice, I’m just really happy about this guy!” Namgyu replied, squeezing his large, black cat tightly.
Thanos looked up at the ceiling. “Let’s go on a walk at the park.”
Namgyu turned to him. “A walk? Sure!”
They walked back together to the car. Namgyu reached to open the door of the driver’s seat, but Thanos stopped him.
“Wha-“
“I’ll drive, you can rest.” Thanos said. He gestured Namgyu to the passenger’s seat. Namgyu smiled and walked to the other side. Thanos sat in the driver’s seat, starting the car while Namgyu also sat in his own seat.
“You’re really treating me good today.” Namgyu teased.
“Wow, is it wrong to be nice now?” Thanos teased back. He placed his hands on the wheel, starting to drive.
Maybe Thanos was nice now.
—
“Namgyu, leave your little guy in the car. Someone’s gonna snatch him out of your arms while we’re walking.” Thanos said.
“Ugh, fine.” Namgyu reluctantly left his plush in the back seat, giving it a hug before setting him down. He shut the door, grasping Thanos’ hand as he did so.
“You love him more than me.” Thanos chuckled as he held onto Namgyu’s hand.
“Well, I guess I can love you a little bit for winning him for me…” Namgyu teased at Thanos. Thanos returned the favor by lightly smacking Namgyu’s shoulder. They walked together through the park’s trail, hand in hand. For a while, they didn’t say anything, as if there had been a shift in the atmosphere.
Thanos decided to start a conversation. “Namgyu, can I ask you something? It’s personal, so you don’t have to answer if you want.” Thanos’ previous playful tone had been replaced with a serious one.
“Huh? Sure, what is it?”
Thanos hesitated for a moment. “Has…anyone you’ve known committed suicide..?”
Namgyu stopped in his tracks. He looked at Thanos with wide eyes and an open mouth. Thanos made a small ‘oh’ sound. “Ah…I’m sorry. You don’t have to ans-“
“My friend.” Namgyu muttered.
“Huh?” Thanos didn’t actually expect him to answer.
“My best friend in sixth grade. He-stabbed himself in his bathroom. I-I was just hanging out with him-he said he would be right back. But he-he…I told his parents, they thought that I…” Namgyu’s voice was shaking, cracking up, even.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked, I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for your friend.” Thanos pulled Namgyu in for a hug. His heart ached at Namgyu’s reaction. He rubbed Namgyu’s back, trying to comfort him.
“I’m sorry…” Namgyu mumbled into Thanos’ hoodie. Thanos pulled off of Namgyu, grabbing him by his shoulders.
“Don’t apologize, okay? It wasn’t your fault, and it never will be. I’m sorry for asking.” He reassured Namgyu. Namgyu was avoiding eye contact, staring at the ground. He could tell that Namgyu’s eyes were starting to swell up with tears, so he pulled him in for another hug.
Now, Thanos felt even more guilty.
—
After calming Namgyu down, they both got back in the car.
“Hey, Namgyu, do you wanna see the fireworks?” Thanos asked as he buckled his seat belt.
“The fireworks? Okay.” Namgyu agreed. He lied back in his seat.
Subong smiled and put on some music. He knew what he and Namgyu both liked, Bigbang. They connected through the group, so he put on one of their songs. As Thanos was driving, he sang along to the lyrics of the song. Namgyu couldn’t help but admire how good Thanos actually was at singing. He knew that he was a rapper, but he really loved hearing his boyfriend singing. Namgyu personally even felt that Thanos sung better than the Bigbang members themselves.
If only he saved an audio of his singing.
—
Thanos and Namgyu walked around the carnival, trying to determine where the best spot to see the fireworks was. Eventually, they found a good spot. There were a lot of people also there, but they didn’t mind. As long as they were next to each other.
“When will they be launching the fireworks?” Namgyu asked Thanos.
“In like, a minute.” Thanos responded. “Wait, Namgyu. Let’s take a picture together with the fireworks when they launch it.”
“Uh, sure!” Namgyu agreed. They waited together, staring into the dark sky. Thanos grabbed Namgyu’s phone, opening up the camera app.
“Why are you using my phone?”
“‘Cause you have a better camera on your phone.” Namgyu rolled his eyes and turned his attention back on the sky.
“They’re launching soon! Pose for the camera!” Thanos exclaimed. He held up half a heart with his hand, the other half for Namgyu to make. Namgyu completed the heart, smiling widely. As soon as they heard the fireworks launch, they both jumped a bit. However, they were still able to take a nice photo with the fireworks in the background. Namgyu turned to look up at the sky, where they were launching the fireworks. Thanos also looked up, enjoying the scene.
The fireworks were over after a while, the smell of the burn lingering in the air. Thanos turned to Namgyu, a grin on his face.
“They were nice, right?” He asked Namgyu.
“Yeah, they were.” Namgyu smiled. Thanos kissed Namgyu. “Let’s go home now.” Thanos said.
Finally, home.
—
Upon arriving back home, Namgyu immediately took a shower and jumped into bed. “That tired already?” Thanos asked while coming out of their other shower. Namgyu only made a groaning noise that was muffled in the pillow. Thanos chuckled a bit. He walked over to the bed sitting next to Namgyu.
“Namgyu, can you sit up?” Namgyu yawned and obediently sat up, facing Thanos.
“Here, take this.” Thanos handed Namgyu his special cross necklace. It was something that he never took off, so Namgyu was confused why he was giving it to him. He looked at Thanos with a confused expression on his face.
“Oh, don’t worry. I don’t want it anymore, so you can keep it.” Thanos told him. Namgyu smiled and put the necklace around his neck. Thanos let out a sharp exhale. “Can I hug you?” Thanos asked. His voice was filled with guilt, his eyes never leaving Namgyu’s.
“Yeah.” Namgyu wrapped his arms around Thanos. Thanos squeezed him tight, as if he never wanted him to let go. For a while, they stayed like that, bodies connected. Their hearts were practically beating at the same pace. Eventually, Thanos let go, but he was crying now.
“Hey, are you okay, Subong?” Namgyu asked, wiping a tear off his cheek.
“No, don’t worry about me, okay? You get some sleep, you like tired.” Subong reassured him. He held the sides of Namgyu’s face, pulling him in for a kiss. “I love you, Namgyu.” “I love you too, Subong.” Namgyu replied. Thanos then got up, walking away. Namgyu didn’t know where he was going, but he was too tired to worry. So, he immediately knocked out when he lied down in bed.
—
Thanos’ hands were trembling. His face was puffed, filled with tears. He tried his best to keep quiet in the bathroom, trying not to wake up Namgyu. He finished writing his note, sticking it onto the sink’s countertop. He sat on the hard floorboard of the bathroom. Shakily, he took out the bottle of pills from his pocket, opening it. He shook the all the pills out of the bottle onto his palm. With one last shaky breath, he shoved all of it down his throat, his last thought being Namgyu.
—
Namgyu awoke from his deep sleep, yawning loudly. He turned to his side, expecting Thanos to be on the other side. However, he wasn’t there.
Weird.
He thought maybe Thanos had already gotten up and made breakfast, so he went downstairs to the kitchen. He wasn’t there either.
Weird.
Then, he checked the living room, expecting him to be resting there. He wasn’t there either.
Now, Namgyu was starting to get worried. Then, he thought that he had some work at his recording studio. So, he called him, but it went straight to voicemail.
Weird.
There was only one place he hadn’t checked. The bathroom. He checked the bathroom that they usually use, but he wasn’t there.
Weird.
There was only one room left. Their bathroom downstairs. Hurriedly, Namgyu walked back downstairs, worry filling his head by now. He opened the door, peaking inside.
That’s when his heart dropped.
Thanos’ unconscious body.
Right in front of him.
“No, no, no, no, no…” Namgyu panicked. He quickly entered the room and tried shaking Thanos, who was sitting still on the floor. He shook as hard as he could, even slapping his face. His eyes darted down, where his hands were. His right hand was holding an empty bottle of stress-relieving pils. His eyes darted back to Thanos’ face.
“No, no, no, no, no- wake up, Subong. Please, wake up, wake up…” His eyes were starting to tear up. He stood up, checking for something to force him to wake up.
That’s when he saw the sticky note on the counter.
He snatched it off the counter, narrowing his eyes on the words.
‘Dear Namgyu, I’m sorry. I want you to know that this isn’t your fault at all. Lately, I’ve just been struggling with the hate I’ve been getting from my career. It got so bad to the point I fell into a deep depression. I tried being more cheerful around you, but I just couldn’t find a reason to keep living. I mean, it’s not like you care that I’m dead, right? So, I’m very sorry if I caused you pain. I love you, Namgyu.’
Namgyu screamed at the top of his lungs. He was now full on sobbing. It was too hard for him to even breathe properly. He sunk to the floor clutching Thanos’ chest. He tried hitting his chest, but it was no use. Tears practically overflowed the bathroom. There was no way Namgyu could keep going on like this. First, his best friend. Now, his boyfriend, the only person he loves? It wasn’t like he had anybody else to keep living for. His parents cut ties with him, and he had no friends. What was the point?
Maybe that’s the reason why Namgyu got up from the bathroom.
Maybe that’s the reason why Namgyu went to the kitchen.
Maybe that’s the reason why Namgyu grabbed a shiny knife.
Maybe that’s the reason why Namgyu walked back to the bathroom.
Maybe that’s the reason why Namgyu is stabbing himself next to Thanos’ body.
Maybe that’s the reason why Namgyu’s last thought, was Thanos.