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It was late. After a long day of evaluations, Haymitch assumed that everyone would be asleep by now and he could finally have a moment to himself. Instead, he heard footsteps heading towards the couch as he poured his fourth and final drink of the night. He glanced up and saw Effie Trinket walking towards him.
“An eleven isn't too shabby, eh?” Haymitch said after he took a sip, a pained smirk on his lips. He was proud of the girl, as much as that hurt him to admit. Being proud meant he cared, which was something he promised himself years ago he’d never do.
“They both did excellent. Peeta’s score is almost as good as the careers.” Effie replied as she sat down next to him, sipping on some champagne with a few strawberries in it. “ We did good, Haymitch. You did good. See how great of a team we could be if you… cut back… every once in a while?”
Haymitch winced a bit at that comment. He knew there was no real malice there, never from Effie, but it didn’t stop the guilt from creeping in.
Effie spotted the wince and frowned slightly, looking up at him. “I am curious though, what did make you cut back this year? You seem… more like yourself. What changed?”
Haymitch’s eyes stayed focused on his glass, deciding how much he wanted to share. They were in The Capital, anyone could hear them, but it wasn’t like they could hurt him anymore than they already had. He had nothing left.
“The girl, Katniss, she… reminds me of a few people. Always has.”
“Oh, Haymitch, you knew her? In Twelve? I’m so sorry I had-”
“I didn’t know her, not really. Never spoke to her before she got reaped. I…” He paused, taking a sip before finishing his thought. “Her father was a good friend of mine, years ago.”
Effie gasped, of course she did, ever the dramatic.Haymitch glanced at her sadly. Before she could start with the inevitable apologies, Haymitch continued.
“Burdock Everdeen was my best friend when I was a kid, up until you met me actually. After what happened, when I got home… I thought it was better to push everyone away. He was stubborn, so it took a lot longer with him and Asterid, Katniss’s mother, but I eventually drove them away too.” He said, ashamed.
The things he had done to them kept him up at night just as much as went down in the arena. As the years went on, he regretted it more and more, but he knew it was for the best to keep his friend safe.
“Every once and awhile I’d see them around, at The Hob. Saw them carrying around Katniss, he was… I’d never seen him so happy. He was so proud of that girl. And when he died, I almost broke my rule. I almost reached out to Asterid, see if she’d let me help them. But I thought staying away would be better, safer.” He said and sighed, taking another long swig of his drink. “Lotta good that did, she’s here now.”
Effie's expression softened as she put her hand over his free one, blinking back tears. “I’m so sorry, Haymitch. I had no idea, truly.” Her voice quivered a bit, but she pulled herself together quickly.
“But you’re doing right by her, by him . I haven't seen you like this in years, not since we met. And she has a real chance, especially with our help.” She attempted to reassure him, her self assured persona returning. “And you’re doing right by yourself too. I know this is hard, and you sacrificed so much, but you.. You can care for yourself again, drink less, be a little healthier and.. It’s just so nice to see you act like yourself again and-”
“Eff, you don’t get it. This isn’t for me. I don’t care about me anymore. I’ll do this for Burdock and if I fail… I think I’m done. I think this is my last shot.”
“Last shot at what?”
Her grip tightened over his hand. He still didn't hold hers back, not allowing himself to accept the comfort. He’d never admit this, especially not to her, but Effie was the closest thing he had that resembled a friend. She wore him down over time. It was easier to go along with her nonsense than to fight with her. People always wore him down. As much as he tried, he couldn’t stop it and he did try.
Almost 25 years ago, he was convinced he was getting through his games by himself. It would have been easier, especially with what he got up to in the arena, but even then, he found himself letting people in. Ampert, Wellie, both Louella and Lou Lou, his doves, hell, even Maysliee worked her way into his heart, became his sister. Nothing good ever came from trusting him, but people always seemed to anyway. He’d try one last time, to save someone who quickly made herself family.
“Everything. If I don’t save her, I can’t save anyone.” He said quietly, finishing his drink. “And I’ll still be failing the boy. I’ve failed so many of them, I just couldn't bring myself to be present, to try, to care even. I couldn’t possibly care about all of them, it would have killed me.But I.. I can focus on one. And it has to be her.”
Effie nodded understandably “We’ll get her sponsors, we’ll focus on her. It’s what he wants too. He has quite the crush on her, poor dear.” She said as an attempt to comfort him, before finishing her drink.
“Poor dear indeed.” He agreed, squeezing her hand once before standing up. “I better get some sleep if I wanna be any use to them in the morning.” He paused, glancing down at her one last time knowing he should thank her for listening, as much as it drained him. He appreciated Effie, they both knew that. He wouldn’t have survived the past 24 years without her. Yet he still found voicing that appreciation hard. Although he knew she was about as innocent as a capital citizen could be, he rarely could bring himself to say so.
“Than-”
“You’re welcome, Haymitch. Sleep well.” She interrupted him, knowing that thanking her was the last thing he wanted to do now, maybe ever. “Thank you for trusting me.”
As he walked to his room, he couldn't help the feeling of relief that washed over him. He had never told anyone about Burdock, could never bring himself to, but it felt good to talk about him. He couldn’t save him, couldn't save himself, but if he could save Katniss, maybe things would be okay.