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White walls, white floors, no smell at all. Walls ribbed like a washroom or maybe it's more like the subway stations Izuku thinks. There’s nothing here. Nothing at all. Just Izuku. Alone.
It takes him a minute to fully register his surroundings. Just where exactly was he? There was nothing except the white that coated every surface. He lets his feet drag around the space. The pain still registers. Though he feels it fading. What had given him those injuries to begin with?
It rushes to him painfully. Causing him to drop down to the floor tugging at his hair to have the recollection of information just stop for one moment.
Shigaraki.
The war.
His friends.
Was he under some kind of quirk? A trick up the Paranormal Liberations sleeve? This was wrong. He needed to get back. He needed to stop Shigaraki–no! He needed to save him. There was a child crying out to him. He had seen it with his own eyes. The vestiges inside him had screamed at him to ignore it. That he couldn’t be saved. They said it would be his ruin.
“Maybe they were right.”
He hears a voice, gravely and lazy. He could never forget its owner even if he had wanted to in his past. Begging for one day just to be forgotten. Just to get away from his explosive acquaintance. If he could even call him that.
Now…things have changed. The game they play is different. No longer a game of cat and mouse where the mouse gets caught every time. They're on the same playing field now. A cloud of mutual respect and admiration that washes over the two. Anyone can see it now. Clear as day, bright as the sun.
He’d always thought of him as bright and confident even before the nitroglycerin manifested as beads of sweat on his skin. Before Katsuki thought anyone had a real reason to look twice at him. It scared him at the time. Too afraid of letting himself really be known by anyone. He admitted this to him once when they were a couple drinks in. Mind just foggy enough to be unashamedly honest. The drinks were courtesy of their brash classmates. This had been before they had to worry about wars and impending death. Before the world got so devoid and rotten.
It relieves him to a certain extent. It gave him something to look forward to after. That the world could go back to what it had been. If it was really possible to go back to the days where his lover would press to his side setting off micro explosions if Izuku even thought of leaving his side.
If he really thought about it. He’d always been like that. They both had. Izuku always chasing after him with cries of “Wait for me!” Katsuki always tried to shake him off back then, afraid of how he looked at him. Like he was worth more than that flashy quirk and his potential.
Even back then when it bothered him to have Izuku trailing behind him at every turn he didn’t ever really feel compelled to send him off. It brought him a weird sense of satisfaction to know there was at least one person witnessing his greatness. Even if he thought of him as a pathetic extra back then there might have been more than he just couldn't come to terms with at his immature age.
That was something that continued into his adolescence. Keeping silent tabs on him. Whether it was a discreet glance or a direct jab at his gut. He just liked having him close enough to watch. At that time he probably mistook it for something entirely different than it really was.
“Kacchan? You’re here too!?”
Words poured out his mouth consistent sentences all rolling into soft murmurs before exploding back into half baked sentences. Once he started he never really could stop. Too much wonder and curiosity to keep trapped inside his head.
It all falls out of him. He can’t stop . It feels like his brain is on fire, all of his thoughts moving too fast for him to grab ahold of. He’s not even looking at Katsuki. Too focused on trying to find some kind way out. At the same time he feels like his mind is screaming out at him. Like he’s missing something.
Whatever it is, he ignores it.
“We have to get out here now! We have to help everyone. I have to stop him. I have to–”
“Izuku.”
It’s the first time he really gets a good look at him.
There’s blood…everywhere. Dripping down from his head down to the right side of his face. He follows the trail leading to his chest.
It feels volatile for the first thing to creep into Izuku’s mind being Christmas.
When Kacchan appeared in front of him not on the brink of death but in his signature black shirt. Smirking at him overconfident and triumphant with a deck of cards in his hands as he practically dragged him down to the common room to play a round of crazy eights.
He’d stayed close to him that night berating him wherever he got too close with boisterous yells that Izuku was trying to peek at his cards. Not that he ever made an attempt to move.
It's strange he thinks of that memory. The one that makes his heart flutter from just how content he had been. Surrounded by his favorite people. The ones he would die for.
“K-Kacchan?”
He runs to him. It's all he's ever done. It's the only thing he knows how to do.
“H-Hey…It's gonna be okay. Someone's going to come for us, We’ll be okay right? We still have to stop him. It’s not too late right?”
He feels tears prickling at his eyes. Suppressing his tears had never been easy, especially not when he’s gripping onto the body of his lover in his arms.
Katsuki takes a hold of his face forcing him to look at all the destruction on his face. The scars and scrapes littered on his skin. The dirt on his brow.
Oh
This was what his mind had been telling him from the beginning. This is what it was. He feels it so intensely. Every new detail comes to fruition as his breath quickens. Shallower and faster. God, he feels the blood draining from his face and his limbs going numb but he can’t control it. He can’t do anything. Kacchan was dead.
He was dead.
“It’s too late you know that.” He cups his face. It’s tender. Katsuki’s actions had always been warmer than his words. They spoke miles more than he could, always scared of something. Like he’d say the wrong thing and it would blow up in his face. It usually did but back then he never cared. At least until he started caring about more than himself.
Well, more like when he started caring about Izuku. More than he ever thought he could. More than he ever thought he was capable of. When the yells of “DIE!” Turned into “Take care of yourself idiot!”
Izuku thinks that's why his voice is so soft now. He’s not yelling. Or berating him. He’s just…telling him how it is. Honesty. Something that he struggled with at first. Now it’s all they have.
“I-I couldn't save them..” He whispers curling into himself. Making himself as small as possible. Maybe then he could forget about everything or at least the world could forget about him. His failures. The justice he failed to serve. All of it. He wished it away.
“What’s done is done. You can’t blame yourself for this.” Katsuki cradles his head again whispering his words into green and black wisps of hair. As if just maybe if his words are close enough they’ll reach him. Really reach into him. So he can’t forget it.
“No…I could've done more! I could’ve been more. It’s all my fault! I couldn't save you! Or anyone! Everyone I love, I failed them!” Every emotion he’s ever felt racks through him like a second coming of all for one setting his body on fire. He knows it's not. There is no more all for one. It’s just him. It’s so quiet in his head for once. He’s alone in there. The vestiges inside him no longer scold him for his carelessness and childishness. It’s too quiet without them.
“There’s nothing you could’ve done Zu. There’s nothing I can do now either.”
Izuku pulls his head up only to stare at him. He watches as light barely passes through him. The way his flesh is only so opaque that it retains its color.
“I’m not real, you know that. None of this is real. ”He says, passing a hand through the supposed wall. It phases right through as if boundaries didn’t exist to him. Well, he supposes they never really did even from when they were kids to almost adults.
What a sad sentiment. They never would be adults now would they? They would never live to grow old together. They would never graduate, never even be able to call themselves second year students of UA. He supposes it doesn’t matter anymore though.
“What am I supposed to do now? What am I supposed to be? ” All his life he ran to the goal of being a hero someday. Against all odds he wanted it. He’d gotten close hadn’t he? At least this way he could remember the few people he did save. The ones who’d been scared for their lives roaming the streets while the nation clamored for some kind of order. He’d saved them at least. He’d done well right?
Even then it brought little comfort to him now. His mind was too preoccupied with the ones he didn’t save.
Katsuki spoke again.“Zuku…It doesn't matter. You don’t have to be anything now.” He brought him near to his chest again. Letting the green haired boy stare at his slightly translucent figure.
He’d never hear the crackling from Katsuki’s hands again. Never be close enough to flesh and blood again to feel anything like this. At this point, Izuku hadn’t realized he couldn't feel anything. Katsuki was not warm, he wasn’t even cold. He wasn’t anything at all except for being a part of his mind.
At least that’s what he assumed this was. His own mind or something else maybe. Perhaps it was something more convoluted. But, if he had Katsuki here with him…that would make it all the more easier.
Letting out a small exhale he relaxed in his hold staring at what would’ve been his husband. His companion, the one he loved before he even understood what it meant to really love a person. “Then…can I stay here with you at least? Can I have that?”
His words were coated in hope, desire and love. He was glad he could still feel those at least. That he could still love even in what felt like the end of the line. He’d lost senses since arriving. Feelings were the only tangible thing it seemed. The only thing he could grab ahold of and keep close to him. The walls were gone leaving the space devoid of anything except a nothingness that surrounded them. It was fine though. It would be fine. Izuku had all he needed as long as it would have him.
“Yeah.”
He held him tighter.
“You can have that.”