Chapter Text
Tommy is 12, when the first word appears on his body. Unloved.
His mom and dad are barreling headfirst into a divorce, so he never brings it up to either of them. On nights when he feels terribly alone, he will trace the tips of his fingers over the letters on his ribs. He tells himself that if he ever meets this soulmate of his, he will show them that he loves them, no matter what.
It carries him through his time in the army, through pilot training, through the accident that gets him invalided home and discharged. It gets him through the loss of many friends, to see the dark word when he looks in the mirror.
(He wraps his hand over his ribs when he sees the words on his friends' loved one have faded to scars, soothing himself with the knowledge that his soulmate still lives.)
Tommy is 20 when 'don't be stupid' wraps its way around his hip. He's in his probationary year as a firefighter, and the words burn across his skin just as the bell is ringing for a fire. Captain Gerrard has finally started letting him on the calls, so Tommy ignores the burn and takes his seat next to Deluca on the rig. It's not until hours later, when they've returned from the fire, and trudged into the showers that Tommy sees the mark, feeling a phantom burn at the sight of the words. He ghosts his fingers over the words, wondering about his soulmate. The words seem like a command but Tommy has to wonder at his soulmate internalizing someone elses words, or perhaps...
He's dried himself off and pulled on most of his civvies when Sal Deluca speaks up.
“Might want to keep that soulmark covered.”
Tommy's hand shoots to the new mark on his hip before he notices Sal's eyes on his ribs. Unloved. Tommy fights the urge to bring his hand up to it.
“Any particular reason?” Tommy asks.
“Look,” Deluca sighs, leaning back into the lockers behind him. “Doesn't really matter to me. Some of the guys have marks, others don't. But, if the Captain sees it... Well, Probie, you might want to transfer to another station. He'll make your life hell, kid.”
Tommy thinks about the scars that he's seen on the Captain. He knows what those mean.
“That seems a bit unfair,” he says to Deluca, “It's not like I'm-”
Deluca cuts him off. “Just trying to give you some fair warning, Probie.”
-
The next year, they get another probationary firefighter: Howard Han.
Part of Tommy feels bad for the guy, because he's already got strikes against him in Cap's books: he's not white, first of all, and – worse for the guy – has a soulmark on skin visible past his uniform.
Captain Gerrard makes the probie Man Behind for months. Tommy tries his best not to think about it too hard.
He's learned his lesson about making friends in dangerous jobs.
Captain Gerrard keeps asking about his girlfriend coming to the firehouse, but Abby's schedule is as hectic, if not moreso than his own, so Tommy does his best to deflect. (He tries his best not to consider the fact that 'don't be stupid' and 'unloved' couldn't possibly apply to her.)
The Probie finally makes his way out of the Fire Station – Eli was such a bleeding heart – and then comes the fire. Another firefighter from a nearby firehouse dies in the fire, and Tommy only learns later that the Probie – Howard – knew the kid who died.
The fire may have softened his heart towards the probie, but it strengthens his resolve to keep the guy at arms length, at least until he finishes his probationary year. No use getting attached.
It's not until Tommy's recovering in his hospital bed that he considers he may have underestimated the new guy. Sal is cackling as he shares how Howard ran into the building – straight into a methane leak, and against Captain Gerrard's orders – and ran out of the building, lugging Tommy's ass with him. At that point, Tommy loses the battle about the Probie. He extends his apology the same way the Probie – Howie – had reached out to him; he tells him about his guilty pleasure (read: favorite) movie.
(A 13 year old Buck nearly cries at the appearance of 'fat headed' on his skin as he feels so alone.)