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1.
Narumi Gen always looks at the sky when he leaves the house. A habit born from years spent in a constant alert state. A quick situation assessment. A tiny bit of romanticism which he usually hides deep in the most vulnerable corner of his heart. Today the sky is almost unrealistic cerulean blue, an idyllic sight that seems to mock him. He takes a deep breath and promises himself to finally open his mouth and say things he can’t stop thinking about.
It appears so perfect — for the weather to be this nice and for him to go for a stroll with his dog and one of his boyfriends because the other has some evening training classes. Ichikawa walks by his side, telling him about something funny that happened in between his today’s lectures and Gen doesn’t listen, too deep in thought. And yet it is so good to walk like this together, to listen to the tone of Ichikawa’s engaged voice, the melody of which has always soothed that little painful place inside Gen, something that never wanted to scar and fully heal. He knows that Ichikawa has the same condition and Hoshina has his own issues but they make it work somehow.
It is all so perfect and that is precisely the problem. The world they live in doesn’t allow perfection.
It is almost funny how good you can feel exposing your face to the sun, lazily squinting your eyes with pleasure — while at the very same time, everything in you seems to be shattering into tiny pieces. After all the shit he has got through, it shouldn’t confuse him, nothing should. He is well used to having his heart torn to pieces, and his insides ripped, while at the surface he is his typical nonchalant self.
“Don’t you think it won’t last much longer?” Gen interrupts Ichikawa’s story and asks conversationally, trying not to reveal anything. He doesn’t really want to have this talk, he shouldn’t open his mouth. But it has been growing in him for some time and it feels that he will explode if he doesn’t say anything.
He kicks a pebble on the path, channelling his frustration into a simple action. General makes his coughing sounds and trots after the stone on his crooked legs.
“The weather?” Ichikawa asks and it is almost funny that there is anxiety in his voice and he instinctively tries to hide his head deeper into the hood of his sweatshirt. Well, Gen’s sweatshirt which the little thief stole in the morning as he usually does. It is such a warm autumn day that it is enough to wear a sweater without a jacket to feel pleasant. But Ichikawa gets cold so easily that even now he has Hoshina’s jacket thrown over Gen’s hoodie. He looks suspiciously at the sky but the autumn sun tries to soothe his nerves. It is cute and for his sake, Gen hopes that the warmth will not leave them any time soon.
He looks at the beloved face that he sees every night while hitting the sheets (but not always when waking up, Ichikawa often gets up at some ungodly hours while Gen is serious about the amount of his sleep — he simply sleeps during some unconventional hours), a little soft smile appearing at the sensitive, raspberry lips, a dimple forming in Leno’s right cheek, an echo of freckles that peppered his fair skin in summer. His violet eyes shouldn’t be that warm, it shouldn’t be physically possible and yet, Gen never experienced a warmer gaze. He immediately feels like brushing Leno’s bangs off his forehead and kissing him on the mouth. But he doesn’t and they follow this little forest path behind their house in silence. Kissing would distract them from what Gen wants to talk about and he braced himself for days to have this conversation.
The problem is that all the scenarios he created for this talk seem to be impossible to carry through. They all blend in his head, making him dizzy. He feels lost in the maze of doubts, worries and convictions that might not even be his — but cooked up by the outside world, saying what is fine and normal and what isn’t. The pressure in him has risen for days. The unfamiliar tension makes him question so many things that he isn’t sure what he really wants, needs, or thinks. It is all a little hazy these days.
But this is Ichikawa who walks by his side, now calling General over because the haunted beast runs on his bizarre legs after a squirrel. Gen isn’t sure if the squirrel wouldn’t be the winner in an actual confrontation, and apparently, Ichikawa is of the same opinion and wants to spare General’s feelings and pride. Or, in true Leno fashion, he is worried about General but also about the squirrel and most probably about Gen because of whatever reason, too, and is determined not to let the whole scene take place.
This is Ichikawa — and Gen can simply say what gnaws on his mind.
“No. This. What we have,” he says, clearing his throat. “Do you think it will end soon?”
“Oh,” Ichikawa says and they walk shoulder to shoulder for a long moment without saying anything. The autumn sun suddenly seems too hot and Gen feels how his body starts to sweat. He pushes his hands deeper into his pockets with disgust.
Finally, Ichikawa looks at him seriously. His violet eyes should be cold, hard as two amethysts — but they stare at him softly. Tenderly.
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Huh,” Gen huffs. He wants to share Ichikawa’s conviction. “You just say that. Like it’s easy.”
“Yeah,” Ichikawa mutters. His right hand is there, swaying freely as he walks, naked and inviting. Waiting for Gen to catch it, keep the cool fingers in his warm palm, and make sure Ichikawa’s blood circulates briskly, simmering with quiet happiness. He pushes his fists down his pockets hard enough to tear the material. If Ichikawa realises Gen’s choice not to hold his hand, he doesn’t let anything show on his face. He just looks at Gen questioningly. “Why do you think that it will end?”
Another thing, among an ocean of reasons that makes Gen love Leno, is that he knows he can say what his problem is and Ichikawa won’t make it about himself. He won’t accuse Gen of looking for problems where there is none. He won’t be hurt if Gen thinks their relationship isn’t perfect. He won’t even break if, at this very moment, Gen lies and tells him he doesn’t love him anymore. No, he will listen, he will try to understand, and he will do anything in his might to help. Sometimes Gen feels like catching Ichikawa by his shoulders and shaking him. He shouldn’t be this understanding, this easily satisfied.
Still, today, as Gen whistles for General to come closer to them (and the dog gives him a very unamused glance and trots away) he is grateful for this unquestionable devotion.
“Don’t you think that he stays not because he cares about us… That it’s not lo… well, that what keeps him here is the knowledge that we’ll fucking break without him?” He blurts and takes a shuddering breath. “He can have it normal. He’s got Mina and a steady job, and all fucking respect of people around us. He could be… better off without us. He must know it. His fucking family will finally treat him better. So why would he want that? Two fuckups with abandonment issues. He should go away and not return one day.”
“He will always come back,” Ichikawa says after a heartbeat. “He promised.”
“He will but maybe he shouldn’t,” Gen says and his voice isn’t as calm as he would like it to be. It is good that they are walking, that he has something to do with his legs, his hands immobilised in the pockets, clenched into fists. “Do you really think he can still love us? The way we are? While he is… He is all the things. Why would someone like Hoshina stay with us?”
Ichikawa licks his lips and his eyes are fixed on the path in front of them. Gen’s heart beats so impossibly heavy. He knows how cruel it is to say we when he could say I, he knows he forces Ichikawa to revisit his own doubts and fears that he fights with so desperately. He also knows that if he asked, Leno would basically rip his chest open for Gen to see his beating heart, to check if it beats for him. That is why he can ask honestly. Even if it is cruel.
And he knows that Ichikawa isn’t going to be offended. How can you say something like that? He isn’t going to try to dumbly cheer Gen up, soothe his nerves to calm him down like a small child.
“I don’t know why he stays with us,” Ichikawa finally says in a hoarse voice and then he crouches to fix his perfectly tied shoelaces. Gen stops and waits as Ichikawa takes his time, his head bowed enough for the bangs to hide his face completely. Finally, he stands up and there is a scarlet blush on his cheeks and he scrunches his nose a little like a rabbit, which he always does when he tries to compose his features. But his voice is steady when he finally speaks. “I don’t even know if it works like that for most people. To know why they stay with someone. But I know that he would leave if he didn’t love us. He wouldn’t lie to us like that, ever.”
“But…”
“He knows that I will stay with you, sir, forever,” Ichikawa simply says when they resume their walk. “So if he decided he needed to leave for whatever reason, he wouldn’t stay because of guilt. I know it’s not… I’m not saying it wouldn’t be devastating but he knows he can. If he ever needs to. That I will always take care of you. And he loves you so much.”
“How can you…”
“The way he looks at you when you don’t see,” Ichikawa says with a little open smile, shuffling his feet in the colourful leaves. “The way his voice changes when he talks about you when you aren’t there. He does all these little things just because you like or need them. I just… I know he loves you.”
“And you?” Gen asks and he doesn’t want to be cruel. Ichikawa must understand. “Does he love you?”
“Yes,” Leno says quietly and smiles again, helplessly. “I believe he does.”
“Okay,” Gen mutters because he doesn’t know what to add. “That’s good, I guess.”
“Yeah,” Leno whispers and shields his eyes with long lashes. “Look, Gen, I’m not… an expert. I know love only thanks to you two. And I believe that what you two… feel for me, what you show me and give me — that this is it.”
“So you believe that I love you, too.” It comes out harsh. Fuck, he doesn’t mean it like that, it is all so fucked up and he is so fucking bad at these things. Talking about feelings, expressing his most intimate thoughts.
“I do,” Leno says, his voice sure but very quiet. He doesn’t add Don’t you?
Gen doesn’t know what to make of it. But it does soothe something and uncoils the tightness he has been feeling for days. Not fully, it is too huge and too complicated for one talk to solve it but he can breathe easier for a little longer.
“What if I don’t love you in a way you should be loved?” Gen prods and in some twisted way he knows everything about this conversation is wrong. But he also believes that Ichikawa will get him and tell him the truth. Reassure him, although it should be the other way around. No one said they have it normal.
“I want to be loved the way you can love me, Captain Narumi,” Ichikawa says. His voice remains confident and Gen muses if it is fine to ask such questions and to answer like that. But this is what he needs and Leno always takes care of him.
“It might not be enough.”
“It is more than I have ever dreamed of,” Ichikawa says with another little smile that once has altered Gen’s universe. “Look, Gen, try not to worry about it or about anything else, okay? What we have is… perfect for us. I mean, it is for me, this I can say. But I think that Sōshirō is happy, too, so if you feel fine, there is no need to worry. And if you need time or, or whatever else, tell us. I want to help you but I don’t know how. So if there is anything…”
“Okay,” Gen mutters, not knowing either. He feels impossible love filling him, for this boy walking next to him and for the man who is waiting for them at home. He feels how it surrounds him, too, to an extent that overwhelms him.
Because good things end, sooner or later. Narumi Gen doesn’t get to keep them.
“Gen…”
“Let’s come back home, I need a nap,” Gen says lightly, turning around and calling for General, pretending not to see Leno’s extended hand.
2.
“Is it okay?” Ichikawa mutters as he approaches the couch where Sōshirō and Narumi lay, sprawled on each other. Well, Narumi is resting on the top of Sōshirō as if he belongs there. He does, though, and they all are well aware of this fact.
Sōshirō looks at Ichikawa appraisingly.
“I like ya better in that navy blue shirt,” he announces and Ichikawa looks down doubtfully at the grey sweater he put on.
“Why are we helping him prepare as if he was going on a date?” Narumi grumbles, not even raising his head from Sōshirō’s chest. “Are you going on a date, Ichikawa?”
“You know that I don’t,” Ichikawa mumbles, taking off the sweater and folding it neatly as he marches back to their room to fetch the shirt.
“He can’t always walk around in our clothes that are either too big or too tight for ‘im,” Sōshirō feels responsible for explaining as he is the one who ordered Leno to change from Narumi’s sweatshirt and Sōshirō’s pants that looked simply obscene on Ichikawa’s very pretty ass. As much as Sōshirō admired the view (and generally is the last one to complain about something being inappropriate), he felt a silly pang of jealousy and annoyance at the very thought of some strangers ogling his boyfriend shamelessly, in that cafe or wherever Ichikawa was going to meet his uni friends. Maybe it was a club or something, Sōshirō didn’t want to ask too many questions so that Narumi wouldn’t suddenly express a desire to go and meet Ichikawa there, as he often did in the past. (Sōshirō must admit that Ichikawa always reacted happily to the unexpected meeting but he should spend some time just with his friends, that was Sōshirō’s opinion.)
Or, a normal Narumi could react like that. The one that lies on the top of him now? Highly unlikely.
Warm and sunny autumn couldn’t last forever and so it got replaced by a rainy and dark season. No matter how much Sōshirō is used to all kinds of hardships and discomforts, he quietly blesses the fact that his workplace is just a few steps away from their house. Sure, he constantly teases Narumi about his whining that he has to commute to Ariake every day, but he silently agrees with him — and wholeheartedly. If he had to, Sōshirō would turn up at any appointed place at an appointed time, of course, but it feels so satisfactory, to be the one to which the students come. A teacher who is worthy of travelling to, no matter from which part of Tokyo or its neighbourhood. At first, it was a little stressful, not knowing if the whole dojo idea would work out, now he has to refuse to accept so many people because there is simply no space and no time anymore. And he needs time to use the life that was given to him when they defeated Kaiju. Spending it with his boyfriends and girlfriend seems to be the most valuable way, the reward in itself.
Even when things are… weird, like recently. Something is happening and Sōshirō can’t really put his finger on what is going on. Something is gnawing at Narumi, something serious and inexplicable. It started with Narumi getting quieter every day, not sulking and complaining which would be a familiar behaviour, a territory where Sōshirō knows how to proceed. But Narumi slowly stopped being clingy and then stopped touching them almost at all. It feels as if… As if Narumi was with them as he always is but there was some kind of a glass, transparent wall between them. One through which they can talk but it is impossible to reach out… And Narumi has never been the one to talk. He has always displayed his affection through physical contact and teasing — so with these two gone… He might not be ignoring his boyfriends but he gets distant. Strange.
Sōshirō doesn’t know such a version of Narumi, doesn’t understand what is happening and the absolute lack of control is not only annoying — it feels like rejection.
Usually, when Narumi is in a bad mood, it is enough to bully him into confessing whatever hurts him. Narumi opens up much more easily these days but usually he still needs a bit of encouragement, a signal that it is okay to reveal whatever niggles him. And not surprisingly, being pinned to some surface or immobilised, not to mention these sweet moments when he hasn’t raised his protective walls after sex — help him accept his vulnerability and start talking. Sure, it would be amazing if he simply knew that he doesn’t need these protective fortifications anymore now that he lives with his boyfriends, but they are there and Sōshirō accepts them. Ichikawa has his own collection of problems and Sōshirō must have his issues, too, so he works with what he gets. It is just… this time he doesn’t understand what he got to work with.
Sōshirō has tried all the little tricks but it seems that whatever the problem is, it reaches deeper than normally. It is not the case of not knowing how to say the things Narumi needs to express, or needing that little push. It might not even be the problem of being unable to sort out his thoughts and feelings. It seems… that Narumi questions what they have. His position in it all. Their future. Everything.
And that makes Sōshirō scared.
“So this one is better?” Ichikawa comes back, buttoning the shirt up.
“Yeah, ya look good,” Sōshirō praises him and Ichikawa perks up a little. So Sōshirō adds, “It matches yer eyes so prettily.”
There is a tinge of pleased blush on Leno’s cheeks but his gaze flickers to Narumi who observes him with brow knitted.
Narumi remains silent but Ichikawa smiles at them anyway and Sōshirō notices how much he tries not to show his uncertainty.
“Okay so, so I’ll be going, don’t wait for me, I don’t know if I’ll manage to catch that last train.”
“Sure, have fun,” Sōshirō says warmly and Ichikawa bends, kissing them sweetly, Narumi on the cheek and Sōshirō on the forehead. He hesitates just for a fraction of a heartbeat but only smiles at them lovingly, in a way that breaks Sōshirō’s heart.
He knows why Ichikawa is meeting his friends tonight. He knows that Ichikawa is removing himself from the house in the hope of Narumi opening up before Sōshirō if they are alone. It feels like going backwards after they all worked so hard to create an easy atmosphere of openness and trust, of being absolutely equal in this relationship. But the worst thing is that Sōshirō is grateful for Ichikawa’s reasoning. They don’t have to talk about it, they both know that the priority is to find out what is happening with Narumi and to solve it somehow. Because where Sōshirō is scared, Ichikawa is terrified.
“Wait,” Narumi mumbles and raises just enough to grab Ichikawa by the front of his shirt and pulls him in, planting a hard kiss on his lips. Ichikawa immediately melts under Narumi’s mouth and Sōshirō knows it has been a moment since Narumi kissed him. He avoided Sōshirō, too, for some time. So when he came into the living room today and nestled on Sōshirō’s chest (who for once didn’t complain at all that it distracts him from reading, although he muttered something about Narumi being heavy — to create an illusion of normalcy), Ichikawa looked at them for a long moment, then disappeared into their bedroom and came out informing them about an unexpected meeting with friends. He radiated fake enthusiasm and shielded his eyes with long lashes, not to show his true feelings. Too bad that Sōshirō understood them anyway and Narumi didn’t try to catch Leno’s gaze. Ichikawa seemed to accept that.
Still, that kiss uncoils something in Sōshirō, so he can only imagine what it does to Ichikawa. Narumi looks at him sternly.
“Just take care. People are worse than Kaiju, you know.”
“Don’t worry, I have it all covered,” Ichikawa rushes to assure him and he looks at Narumi with such a mixture of love and devotion that it would make Sōshirō jealous if Ichikawa weren’t looking at him the same way. “Have a nice evening and… Yeah, sleep well.”
Sōshirō wants to catch his hand, tell him something reassuring, and remind him how much they love him. Both of them. But Sōshirō and Ichikawa have this silent agreement that Narumi must be taken care of first. Maybe, in Leno’s head, Narumi is the only one who needs reassurance now. He believes in the power of Sōshirō’s knowledge about Narumi, of the years they spent together before they met Ichikawa. Fuck, they both hope that Sōshirō will find out what is wrong and will talk Narumi into letting them in. Maybe Narumi will reveal his worries when they are alone, without Leno. It feels so deeply wrong but helping Narumi is the most important now.
Ichikawa smiles softly and walks out of the room. He whispers something to General in the corridor as he puts on his boots. The dog makes his strangled noises of understanding from his bedding. Sōshirō just hopes that Ichikawa doesn’t feel sad, that he doesn’t scrunch his nose funnily, trying not to cry. He must understand and Sōshirō will make sure he feels loved. Later. Ichikawa can wait or so Sōshirō tells himself. Because Leno will understand and will wait patiently while Narumi… Soon the front door closes quietly.
Sōshirō hugs Narumi tighter to his chest in the silence of the house.
It isn’t a typical occurrence but it isn’t unheard of, either, to have Narumi pliant in his arms like that, ready and willing without a word, without teasing and manhandling. Just a soft presence, a silent plea.
“Sōshirō,” Narumi whispers, angling his head so that he can look Sōshirō in the eyes. Magenta eyes are desperate, lost and needy. Sōshirō knows this gaze. It is rare, true, but it happens.
“I’m here, sweetheart,” he softly says back. No one would believe that he can talk like that to Narumi, so tender, so caring. Only Ichikawa heard him speaking this way to the captain. Obviously. “What do ya need?”
“Please,” Narumi mutters and it sounds so helpless.
“Everythin’ ya need, Gen,” Sōshirō says, kissing him on the lips, deep and wet. They both know it isn’t about making out, there is no need to be coy. Sōshirō flips them easily so that he is on top of Narumi but as they lick into each other’s mouths, he quickly decides the couch won’t do. “Hold on.”
He stands up, picks Narumi up, and carries him to the bedroom. Normally, that would lead to an outburst of laughter, playful teasing and Narumi being aroused more than he is willing to admit because of how strong Sōshirō is. But everything is far from normal so Narumi just clings to him and kisses Sōshirō’s face and neck on the short distance from the living room to the bedroom. Normally, he would drop Narumi on the bed unceremoniously and pounce at him — now he lies him down like the most precious treasure. Gently, almost reverently. Normally, Narumi would be tearing clothes off himself and Sōshirō on the way but this time it is Sōshirō who strips him, efficient but careful. Attentive.
It takes just a little touching and Narumi opens himself for Sōshirō and whispers about being ready in a needy voice, choking on every second syllable. But Sōshirō takes his time preparing him and then fucking him. It is not enough to lead him to orgasm, Sōshirō needs to have Gen’s mind blown, to make sure he is pliant and relaxed after sex, to convince him that he is safe and can share whatever it is.
And… Sōshirō needs it too, for himself. The reassurance and the haven of Narumi’s body that makes him feel loved, needed. Narumi’s hungry lips remind Sōshirō how special he is, how irreplaceable. He wants to carve Narumi’s body, hide inside it, have his fears soothed, his doubts dissipated. Sure, it is still about sweaty bodies sliding against each other, throaty moans gasped into each other’s mouths, pleasure building and exploding — but it also feels like healing. And so fucking sweet. There is such comfort in the familiarity of the other body, of knowing so well where and how to touch to make it feel good. It almost makes Sōshirō tremble with excitement, the way he plays Gen like an instrument and knows where to stroke, push, bite and kiss to elicit a specific moan, a sound so unique that he wouldn’t mistake it for anything else.
Maybe they have such attentive sex too rarely. Maybe Sōshirō didn’t notice how much Narumi needed it. Maybe he needs more of these moments when they are only the two of them. This idea leaves a sour aftertaste on Sōshirō’s tongue. He shouldn’t assume anything, just listen and make it better.
“Sōshirō,” Narumi whispers, the body still trembling after orgasm and Sōshirō decides he needs one more gentle push and so he fucks him, languid and deep, till Narumi chokes on a little overwhelmed sobs, clinging to him — and it is then that Sōshirō finally lets himself come. He still catches his breath when he gathers Narumi into his arms and hugs him tightly.
“I love ya,” he mutters into Narumi’s sweaty temple.
Narumi starts crying at that, softly sobbing into Sōshirō’s shoulder and it is fine, it is what Sōshirō expected. Gen desperately needs to let go from time to time and it is easier for him when he is emotional after sex, when he feels it is excused to be this vulnerable. It is Sōshirō’s task to lead him to this point, to ensure he feels safe and loved enough. Crying seems to help Narumi, it makes him relaxed and provides an outlet for all these feelings the captain finds too hard to express. Sōshirō rarely needs to cry himself, he has his own ways of dealing with overwhelming emotions. Crying is left for the hardest moments of despair when everything else seems to stop working. Ichikawa… Ichikawa doesn’t allow them to see him cry, although Sōshirō has tried to talk with him about it a few times. Sometimes Leno appears with a swollen face, acting as if everything was peachy, shrugging when Sōshirō calls him on the blatant lie. Only once did Sōshirō see him crying, apart from some tears shed during sex or the moments of exceptional joy and relief. That day, Sōshirō came back home during his break, thinking the house was empty. Ichikawa was curled on their bed and sobbed desperately — but Sōshirō decided to respect his privacy and tiptoed outside the room, unnoticed. He regretted that later. He knows that Narumi would blow into the room, catch Leno in his arms and not give a fuck about accepting Ichikawa’s decision to do it alone. These two understand each other on some level that is unavailable to Sōshirō but it only makes him more at ease and content. They all have the little exclusive things they share only between the two of them. He also has his own stuff with Mina. It is easier this way, everyone gets more love and care which they need and deserve.
He just hopes it is the case now, too. That it will work when there are only the two of them alone. He kisses Narumi’s brow, hugging him, trying to express his feelings in all ways possible, to reach Narumi, to make whatever problems he has go away.
“Love ya so fuckin’ much,” he repeats, his voice hoarse. He means that with every tiniest cell of his body.
Narumi hums and Sōshirō tries not to let his heart sink at the lack of response. He is stupid for even having such thoughts, of suddenly attaching importance to post-sex confessions as if they were two lovesick teenagers that got together a week ago. He has got Narumi relaxing slowly in his arms, flushed and beautiful — and this is what matters. So he kisses his boyfriend lightly, small pecks conveying his adoration. A silent I’m here for you if you need me. He believes Narumi will get that, as he always did.
“You really do,” Narumi finally says in a hoarse voice and presses himself more to Sōshirō’s side. Sōshirō wonders if he is even aware of that, his body still begging for closeness. Narumi hides his face in Sōshirō’s neck and Sōshirō lets him. He would let him do everything if that meant Narumi would get comfortable enough to reveal the problem. Sōshirō wants to help him and he wants to know what is happening, he needs to understand, and the lack of understanding is slowly killing him.
His mother and the older of his two sisters would give him a hard time over it. One would be annoyed, the other concerned, both convinced that he is too greedy with these three people he decided to love. Spoilt rotten and a control freak, always trying to look into people’s heads, frustrated if he doesn’t understand a problem or something is beyond his reach. They don’t get it, of course, they don’t. And yet… Sometimes it hits almost too close to home. He hates it when it looks as if they know him.
He must know.
He swallows budding frustration. It is not about him now.
“Yeah. ‘Course I do.”
Narumi’s breath tickles him when he speaks.
“Ichikawa said that. That you love us and that’s why you’re not leaving. And not because of a sense of obligation or some shit.”
“What the fuck, Gen?” Sōshirō mutters, feeling unpleasant hotness pooling in his chest. “Is that what yer agonisin’ about? Ya think I’m gonna leave ya two?”
“I,” Narumi starts and then sighs. “No, I don’t. Fuck, Hoshina. I’m not saying it wasn’t tough at first, every time you left to be with Mina for a few days. Like, we talked about it, we made decisions, it was all going the way we fucking planned and we all agreed to it. And I would never take it away from you, you know that. But, shit. It was… It was so fucking hard. But… But not anymore, you know?”
“Yeah,” Sōshirō says and smiles into the messy hair on the top of Narumi’s head. “I know it was hard on ya… But the way ya two look at me now when I’m comin’ back? It changed. Yer both just happy. It’s so sweet,” he tries to tease but it comes out much too tender for that.
“Yeah? And earlier?” Narumi asks and Sōshirō hears a smile in his voice. They rarely sit like that, talking about such stuff. He doesn't want it to end, ever. He just misses a presence on his other side, the second set of arms around his waist, a cheek resting on his shoulder, Leno’s soft hair tickling his ear.
“Earlier ya were always so relieved, Gen,” he explains softly. “I knew ya didn’t hold it against me, that we agreed and that ya both fully support me… But I knew how ya hated it when I was gone and yer face just radiated with relief.”
“Ah,” Narumi chuckles, a little bit embarrassed. “Could be true. Was Ichikawa relieved, too? Or was he sure you’d come back from the very beginning?”
“He was…” Sōshirō starts and has to clear his throat. “He was surprised. Every fuckin’ time. Overjoyed and… surprised.”
“Fuck,” Narumi mutters and Sōshirō knows he gets it. But it doesn’t prepare him for the next words. “How can you love us? With all this shit… How can you return to us when you could have it all good?”
“I hev it good,” he says, alarmed. “I hev it best with ya.”
“But not normal.”
“I hev my own shit,” Sōshirō says after a heartbeat, carefully choosing words, hearing how his accent grows stronger under overwhelming emotions. He needs Narumi to understand. “And I love ya both, the whole package. Ya hev yer baggage, sure. But I hev mine, Mina has ‘ers. It’s not a… chore, makin’ sure yer fine, helpin’ ya two or three to deal with yer shit. I’m happy when I can help ya.”
Narumi hums and Sōshirō feels so lost.
“Don’t ya feel that I love ya, Gen?”
“I do,” Narumi whispers. “I’m just not so sure that you should.”
“That’s for me to decide,” Sōshirō says quickly and hugs him tighter. “Yer… Fuck, Gen. Maybe I tell ya too rarely. Not enough. But yer someone who fuckin’ changed my life and… It’s been years, right? And I never regretted ya. I only love ya more and more. Now that I know how to love ya. How to be with ya.”
“What about Ichikawa,” Narumi says and before Sōshirō can assure him that he loves Leno just as much, only differently, Narumi continues in a small voice. “It feels… That it’s us and him, no? In so many ways. Is it even fair?”
“Well, we’ve known each other for longer, we’ve been together for years, even if not in the way we are now… We’re closer in age, were longer on the Defense Force, all that shit. He sometimes needs more time to open up to some things when we get down to them immediately or, or he’s quieter and stuff, but we love ‘im the way he is,” Sōshirō says with conviction only to falter and ask about what has been gnawing at him from the beginning of this talk. “Gen, are ya fallin’ out of love with Leno?”
“No,” Narumi says and it is quick enough to soothe Sōshirō’s anxiety. “Fuck, on the contrary. I just don’t know if I can love him the way he deserves. It’s just… too easy. As if I don’t try hard enough. Because he’s so easy to please, he needs so little. I think I fuck him over with what I give him.”
“Yer such an idiot, Gen,” Sōshirō snorts lovingly, stroking his shoulder tenderly. “That’s what it’s all about? Not everythin’ has to be hard and painful, dumbass. Ya love him easily because he’s so fuckin’ easy to love. And ya can feel that ya don’t give ‘im enough but ya shower ‘im with love every day and he feels that. Look, ya love everyone differently, Gen. It’s how it is. With one person it’ll be painful and dramatic, with another playful and passionate and someone can be like comin’ back home to a warm house in the middle of winter. He’s like that but… won’t ya kill for ‘im? If someone hurts ‘im?”
“I would,” Narumi whispers. “I would burn the whole fucking world for him. And for you. I just…”
“Yeah?” Sōshirō whispers, reassured and with his heart beating heavily under the weight of all the love he feels.
“I’m not sure if I can do it, I don’t know. The… the relationship.” Narumi rubs his face against Sōshirō’s shoulder and Sōshirō isn’t sure if this is apologetic, tender — or just sleepy.
“Ya love us,” he says slowly. “That’s what matters. We’ll figure out everythin’ else.”
Narumi nods and lets Sōshirō arrange him more comfortably on the bed, clean him gently and cover him, letting him sleep. It is sweet, a rare vulnerable and open moment like a gift from the captain to Sōshirō. He just hopes it is not a parting gift.
He should be happy with Narumi’s declaration of feelings but there is still something wrong and unpleasant nestling in his chest. He can deal with it, of course, he is the reliable person who makes it all right. But… He doesn’t understand Narumi. For the first time in years, he doesn’t understand Narumi’s problem. It hurts so fucking much, not being able to help him.
And when Ichikawa returns, Sōshirō is still awake, holding sleeping Gen in his arms and thinking, thinking, thinking. Leno must have been thinking, too, because some twenty minutes later he stands at the door to their bedroom with his hair still damp from the shower, wearing Narumi’s t-shirt — but not entering the room. He doesn’t move, watching the two of them in bed. As if not sure what he should do, as if waiting for Sōshirō to tell him to go and sleep on the couch — and it hurts Sōshirō too.
He waves at Leno to come and join them, the way they sleep every night, as it should be, as is the only right way to lie in this bed together.
He doesn’t want to determine if this is relief or surprise in Leno’s eyes.
3.
Rin hates it when Narumi gets like this. He isn’t even that drunk and yet he acts completely out of it, with his upper half splayed on the top of the shabby tabletop in a sleazy bar they ended up in, not able to decide where else to go. She had an awful week at work but apparently, that is nothing compared to what the captain is going through. He looks on the verge of despair, no, scratch that, he seems to be absolutely depressed and lost. It is almost funny how, after all these years, it simultaneously stirs both protectiveness and exasperation in her.
“So?” she asks not unkindly, wondering if she will need more alcohol to face her captain’s problems. After a moment of doubt, she waves at the barman almost apologetically, gesturing to their drinks and miming a request for more. The man only winks at her and starts preparing her no-nonsense gin and Narumi’s concoction that looks like a mix of something caustic and washing-up liquid. And most probably tastes like sugar with vodka.
“I think,” Narumi says and she swallows all the jokes about him and thinking because he does look miserable. There are blue shadows under his eyes and he generally looks like something that a cat ate and then threw up. Narumi licks his chapped lips. “I think that I should break up with Hoshina and Ichikawa.”
Fucking shit. There might be not enough alcohol in this whole fucking place to deal with that.
“Should?” she repeats sharply. Narumi often whines when they meet up and sometimes listening to him gushing about his boyfriends or about his ridiculous problems makes her eyes cross. But he never says such things. And his tone isn’t whiny and exaggerated. He sounds hollow and distressed. “Did they fuck something up? Do you need me to beat them up?”
Well, that would be kind of a challenge, taking into consideration who her best friend is dating. That doesn’t change the righteous anger immediately licking at her insides.
“What? No!” Narumi quickly waves his hand with a heavy sigh. “Are you insane? They are so fucking close to perfect it’s unfair. No, scratch that, they are fucking perfect and they treat me so well that I don’t fucking know what to do with myself. And it’s the whole fucking problem, you know?”
Rin sighs into her drink.
“No, I actually don’t know,” she says and it is less sharp than she intended. Something in Narumi’s tormented face doesn’t let her bash him, either verbally or, even more willingly, with her hand. She hesitates, torn between shaking him and just accepting his pain. Finally, she chooses something that seems to be the middle ground — trying to understand. “They’re fucking crazy about you, Narumi. You just admitted that. So what’s happening? You aren’t happy with them anymore? Did you meet someone new? Have enough of polyamory? Help me here because so far you sound as if you got insane or had your brain washed. Have you decided that they aren’t it for you after all?”
“If it was this fucking easy,” Narumi grumbles and then opens and closes his mouth a few times as if looking for the right words. Thankfully, their new drinks appear just then and Narumi zeroes his ravenously. After a heartbeat of observation, Rin follows his example.
“Maybe it’s not this easy,” Rin says, chasing the taste of the drink on her lips with her tongue. “But is it really that hard either?”
“Wow, that was deep,” Narumi snorts and at least there is some life in him finally so Rin uses the opportunity and kicks him under the table. Hard.
“So stop sulking like an idiot and just tell me what’s your problem,” she says. “Because sure, I know you love some good old moping from time to time but it seems serious. And it’s not even close to…”
“What? The old man’s death anniversary?” Narumi asks with a smile so feral that Rin curses herself internally. Sure, she is seldom gentle with him but damn, she doesn’t want to be cruel, either. “Is this another of these little funny talks we have where you make me go and talk to someone about Isao? You and Hoshina are a real pain in the ass with it.”
“Okay Narumi, then look me in the eye,” Rin says firmly. “And tell me it’s not about Shinomiya in any way.”
Of course, he looks away. Of course, he does.
“Fuck you.”
“I just don’t get how it’s connected with your relationship,” she sighs. “Talk to me. You’re acting so fucking strange.”
Maybe now Rin gets why Mina asked her so many weird questions about work recently. If they were not too overwhelmed with the amount of tasks, if everything was fine. These were not typical things she would inquire about and come to think of it, maybe it wasn’t her idea. Maybe someone begged her to ask, someone desperate to understand what is happening with Narumi and being so lost about whatever shit stirs in the captain’s head.
Instead of replying, Narumi stands up and goes to the counter. Rin stares at the empty glasses gloomily. She loves Narumi, she really does but she definitely doesn’t have patience for his moods like his boyfriends do. Sure, she is a full-blooded human and Narumi is so damn hot, even if usually she prefers her flings to have big tits and pussies. Rin hasn’t been indifferent to his charms, no matter what an idiot he is and so they ended up fucking more times than she could count, usually blind drunk or just to kick back after a hard mission or a huge fight they got themselves into. Somewhere on the way, they became best friends, too, but she could never be in a relationship with him. Because it requires this gentleness for him that she doesn’t have patience for and understanding him that, unless he simply tells her, is beyond her reach. Among some other things.
But this is fine because she is perfectly happy in her own situation and he got himself not one but two people that would die for him without a heartbeat of doubts. Something he now seems to reject and she needs to understand why is that. And yeah, she doesn’t tiptoe around him or treat him with kid gloves. No, she is ready to punch him to drag the truth out of him.
He gets back to the table with new drinks and that is fortunate, too, because she is starting to lose patience.
“You either spill or I’m going to get you so drunk that you’ll tell me anyway, only you’ll be throwing up in between confessions. Your choice.”
“You’re so fucking annoying,” Narumi complains. He takes a few gulps of his drink and looks at the beer bottle with which they started this evening. He starts to play with the label, scraping it off as if that was his only task right now. “So okay, so it’s just… It’s so fucked up, you know? Because of the way we used to live… We were in constant danger and our lives were in danger and it was a constant fight and I’m fucking good at fighting. And when Isao… Yeah. So it was always like that. Whenever something good happened, it was just there for a moment and I was taking as much as I could and then it disappeared.” He smiles and it is so fake that Rin rolls her eyes with exasperation. “I’m fucked up like that, so doesn’t it make sense that when I now have them for forever I’m not that much interested anymore? I need my danger. Adrenaline. Apparently, I can’t have a simply good relationship.”
“Try harder,” she says through clenched teeth. “I’m not buying these half-assed explanations. You piss me off so fucking much right now, Narumi, that you better tell me what it’s all about for real or I swear, I will beat you up, not caring what Hoshina and Ichikawa do with me later.”
“But…”
“Cut the shit. Tell me you don’t love them and I’m going to shut up,” she says sharply.
“I love them,” Narumi finally says after a few long moments and a few more gulps of his atrocious drink. He is back to scrapping the label off, his brow knitted, voice quiet and passionate. “This makes no fucking sense, Rin. It shouldn’t be possible to love like that. To feel such things. For one person. And what about two?”
“For all your nonchalance, you never did things by halves,” she sighs and takes a sip of her own drink, musingly. “When you joined JAKDF, you became the best soldier, the most effective captain. It makes sense you’re like that with feelings, too.”
“You don’t get it,” Narumi murmurs and he is so distressed that she is willing to let his arrogance slide. “Sometimes it is just fine, like I feel good with them and it’s all so easy, so fucking nice. More than that, it’s… It’s so heartbreakingly good. We laugh a lot, we do all these nice things together and it’s sweet and fucking precious. And then sometimes I look at them and I fucking feel… It’s like burning me, it’s killing me, it’s… It’s too much, Rin. It was easier when there was always something to burn and to kill and now it’s all inside me and I’m scared because if something happens to Hoshina… Or someone hurts Ichikawa. I will destroy the world. I will tear people to pieces, I will fucking end everything and everyone. It’s not normal, is it? I’m not fucking normal and… and they will see. Hoshina should just be with Mina and have it better. And Ichikawa… Fucking shit. Sometimes I just think… that I don’t deserve him. No matter what I do and how hard I try. That he should be with someone…”
“So you love them, wow, no one knew,” Rin blows her lips feigning exasperation while in fact, she watches him closely. “Aren’t you happy?”
“That’s the point! I fucking am!” Narumi says with such pain and despair that she remains silent. “I look at them and fuck, Rin. I have to turn away because I love them so much it’s killing me, I feel like… I can’t sleep with them because I think I’m going to burst. And it’s even worse with Ichikawa because I feel so fucking protective over him, so tender and fuck, I can’t deal with it, suddenly I can’t deal with any of that. I’m so happy but… But I’m also so fucking wretched… Because…”
“It makes little sense, Narumi,” she interrupts him sternly. “If you’re happy and you love them then what’s your fucking problem?”
“That’s the thing, don’t you get it? I’m not… I mean I am… Fuck. This is me, Rin, fucking Narumi Gen and when did I last have something good that lasted? I can tell you, never. And after Isao… I can’t have it taken away again, Rin. I just can’t. I won’t survive it. And with how I am… others won’t, too. So… It’s just… At some point, now that there is no fight and I’m not the cool captain they… They will see that what I have to offer them is fucking close to nothing, Rin. They must have, already. They have eyes and they are smart and they deserve more. It only makes sense.”
“Oh, Gen,” she sighs and looks at him sadly. “Let me get this straight. You’re taught that you don’t deserve any happiness so now when you are finally happy, you’re sabotaging your own happiness and your relationship because you believe it will end anyway.”
“It’s not…”
“You become distant because you’re so scared that they will push you away,” she continues mercilessly. “So you push them away as the first one. Breaking their hearts in the process. And it makes sense in that fucked up brain of yours because although you feel you should break up with them, you can’t, so you will hurt them enough to leave you. Just as you thought it would be, only faster. Am I right?”
He doesn’t say anything and in a moment he will scratch out a hole in the glass bottle.
“But you didn’t take one thing into consideration, you utter idiot,” she says, taking the bottle away from his hands, not sure if she wants him not to harm himself finally or to smash it against his head. “They won’t give up on you. You can keep hurting them, break their hearts, however far you’re going to drag it. They will stand on their heads to understand you, to help you and you know it, Gen. Deep inside you know it.”
“That’s why I should just finish it, right?” Narumi whispers. “What there is to understand, Rin? I’m going to fuck it up and destroy them in the process, right?”
“You don’t know that,” she grits out, growing more and more desperate. “Don’t let this fatalistic bullshit get to you, Gen. You said you know how to win battles, this is just one more. The longest and the toughest, you just have to get over…”
“Myself?” he chuckles. “You think I’m a coward and don’t want to risk hurting myself? Seriously?”
“Get over Isao’s death,” she says and he looks as if she punched him in the face, shocked and vulnerable. “They are not Isao, Gen. It’s all different. You know that. It’s not going like with him and it won’t end like with him…”
“But I’m still me,” he laughs and it is the most unhappy laugh she has ever heard. “And it’s me who is fucked up in this equation. So yeah, maybe I should get over myself and just end it before it’s too late.”
She doesn’t say that if he means not ripping his boyfriend’s hearts out of their chests with his decision, it is already too late.
“Whatever you decide, I’m here,” she mumbles, standing up and gathering the empty glasses. “I’d just want you not to hurt yourself so much, captain. One more drink?”
He nods with gratitude in his inhuman, magenta eyes and she chooses to read it as thankfulness for more alcohol.
4.
Recent weeks seem like running a marathon in quicksand and if Leno allowed himself a moment of a break, he would just collapse, face first. But he is so well-taught that when earth and everything around you break, when your life seems to fall apart and everything hurts so much that even breathing remains an elaborate activity at times, the last thing you should do is to give yourself a break. This is a lesson he acquired very early in life and polished to perfection over the years. The worse it is, the more he has to push himself, the more demanding he must be and having zero tolerance for his weaknesses. He is a survivor and he will survive everything, not bothering anyone with all these dark, terrifying thoughts that haunt him the moment he stops to take a breath. So — he tries not to. What he needs to do is repair the world around him and make everyone happy again and not self-pity because that doesn’t help anyone.
He just… became a little too soft to jump into the well-known mode again without hesitation. He stupidly let himself believe he was good as he was, with his pathetic issues and his embarrassing fears, his ridiculous weaknesses and his arrogant conviction that he deserves all these good things around him. But that will be okay, too, because he will simply unlearn it and concentrate on what needs to be done and not on his idiotic broken heart. Nobody needs that.
The problem is… Leno isn’t sure what is happening and thus repairing it is so damn hard. Captain Narumi is going through a very dark, awful episode and instead of getting better, he seems even more miserable and distraught with every day. Being straightforward as he is, Leno tried to ask him what the problem was but Narumi either put him off or said things that didn’t make sense. For the very first time since they became close, Leno has no idea what is going on in Narumi’s head, the train of thought is so alien to him, incomprehensible. It rips his heart off to see his beloved person so depressed and desperate and he tries to at least cheer Narumi up, doing all the little things he knows Narumi likes and that have always made him happy. But now they seem to only make him feel worse. All these tiny tokens of affection that brought Narumi’s most beautiful smile now cause his eyes to become even sadder. He almost doesn’t look at Leno anymore.
Hoshina’s desperation and despair seem to grow with every day, too. He tries so hard to appear the same as always, he jokes and teases. He is also much more tender and patient with Narumi, they talk in hushed whispers sometimes and Leno tries to give them as much space as possible, hopeful that smart, perfect Sōshirō will get the reason for this misery out of Gen. And Sōshirō will understand, he won’t wander in the maze of guesswork like Leno does. Of course, Leno told him everything he heard from Narumi, feeling like a traitor but desperate to find a way to help. Hoshina listened but didn’t say much. Leno is sure that this is what he is thinking about when he tosses and turns instead of sleeping at night. He gets up so often in the middle of the night nowadays, walks up to the window and stares. Leno knows, he barely sleeps anyway. But he doesn’t reveal that he is awake because Hoshina would worry. Leno is careful not to give him any more reasons to be concerned, after all, Leno is completely fine. More than fine, really. Hoshina still hugs and kisses him, asks Leno about his day and listens to the answers. Especially when Narumi is not at home. When there are the three of them, Hoshina remains a little distant, as if lost and not knowing how to behave, so unlike himself.
“Narumi sometimes has these… problems with expressin’ ‘is feelings, yanno,” Hoshina told him in the beginning, when Leno started to be a part of this relationship, still deeply convinced his role was to spice up their sex life, craving nothing more than to be with them, close, in any way he could. “So don’t think too much about it, Ichikawa. He’ll come around. And let ‘im show ya that he likes ya through sex, it’s the easiest way for ‘im.”
They don’t have sex too often these days, all three of them, although Leno thinks that Hoshina and Narumi do fuck when he is not around. Somehow it is easier for Narumi this way, apparently. Or more exciting. Or whatever. Leno tries not to dwell on that. All of them have their little things with each other, and although he is horny most of the time, still barely twenty and with hormones not wanting to calm down, Hoshina and Narumi use sex as means of communicating a lot. It is fine, he is happy that they can be closer this way. He tries to engage them in something with him, too, but it doesn’t work very often. He was never good at seducing, either too subtle, so easy to overlook when they are distracted, or too blunt, simply asking if they feel like doing this or that.
“I’m so fuckin’ tired, Leno,” Hoshina would say apologetically and remorse flashes in his eyes when he looks at Leno. Leno hates it. “I’ll blow ya tho, okay? Or jerk ya off?”
“No, no, it’s fine,” Leno would laugh it off, blushing hard.
“Maybe tomorrow?” Narumi would mumble, shrinking before his console.
“Yeah, sure, of course,” Leno would nod eagerly, stomping on all sprouting feelings of disappointment or rejection.
Sometimes Narumi hesitates and agrees, blushing and looking as if he is acting against himself but Leno won’t question it when he can touch Narumi, kiss him all over his body, pet and make him feel good. He craves for Narumi to fuck him, to pay attention to him and praise him for being so good — but Narumi doesn’t seem to be interested in that. Which is fine, of course. So Leno does things he knows he is good at, he will do everything to make Narumi feel heavenly, to want this again, to want Leno again. He blows him and there are fingers tangled in his hair, making something in Leno sing elatedly, he is almost losing it when Narumi tugs at his hair, almost coming in his pants when Narumi moans his name. He pins Narumi’s thighs to the bed and gets so invested in his task that when he finishes, Narumi is boneless and peaceful in his arms. He dreams for it to never end and is too anxious to fall asleep — but at some point he always does and when he wakes up Narumi is not in bed with him anymore. He usually plays games all night these days and sleeps when both Hoshina and Leno leave for their tasks, only to appear at his own job at around noon. It does steal Leno’s breath when he finds the pillow next to his cold but letting himself be sad would be useless. So he blinks a few times, evening his breath so it doesn’t hitch and he clings to Hoshina if he is still in bed. And if Leno is alone, he just gets up and starts his day, hoping he can make it all better somehow.
He tries to do all these little things that always worked so well to keep them happy but he also tries to give them more space. It isn’t that easy because he grew really clingy and if that depended on him, he would sit with them both in his arms all the time. But he clenches his teeth and makes sure he is not overwhelming and not needy. He doesn’t steal their clothes, sits next to them on the couch instead of sprawling on them, and doesn’t send them a thousand texts a day. These are tiny things without which he can do perfectly well, it is the tiniest sacrifice or not any at all, he is so spoilt to even think about it — and maybe for them, it was too much, he was too much, but they didn’t want to embarrass him and that is why they didn’t say anything.
Maybe they just… They were together long before Leno joined them. Maybe they just need to spend more time alone, the two of them.
Maybe… Leno knows what it can mean. And if he was a better person, not an egoistic little bitch, he would make it easier for everyone and just remove himself from the picture. But he can’t, he loves them too much to separate himself from them willingly and he will sweat blood trying to repair it all. Only not to lose them.
Of course, Narumi’s and Hoshina’s happiness is more important than his so if they asked him to go, he would. But they still haven’t and he is too much of a coward to ask if that is what is needed for them to stop being so desperately unhappy.
So you believe that I love you, too.
I do, I really do, Leno’s heart still answers, desperately.
Leno… doesn’t feel very well recently. Maybe he should talk with someone outside of his relationship but coming back to his old habits and mind frame makes it so damn difficult to open up to someone. He changed so much in recent months, he even met with Iharu once and after listening to his friend ranting about his current flings, he revealed a thing or two about his own relationship and they laughed a lot over their drinks. But now it seems… just so stupid to bother someone with his issues when he really should concentrate on his boyfriend’s problems.
And this he does. He comes up with new ideas almost every day, tiny unnecessary things that always seem to be the solution. Just one more push and he will finally break the wall in this maze where he wanders, desperately palming the cold stones, not understanding how he got here and where the exit is. His heart beats faster with hope every time he thinks something up, only to drop when it doesn’t work. Sometimes he cries when he is alone but makes sure they don’t notice anything. General whines and licks his face when Leno sobs quietly on the floor. He hugs the beast tightly to himself and it is warm and it is safe — and he finds strength to try again the next day.
“I was thinking,” he starts cheerfully one evening when they finish dinner and Leno is cleaning the table. “That maybe you could take a few days off from work and we could fly south for a longer weekend.”
“Oh?” Hoshina says, interest twinkling in his reddish eyes and Leno nods eagerly.
“I checked a few places, I can send you the links,” Leno continues with a hopeful smile, trying not to glance at Narumi nervously. “I just thought… That it would be nice, to, to spend some time in a different place. Where there is more sun and it’s warmer, we could go to the beach and see something new and, and just be together and maybe… Maybe we just need a little change of decorations and some relaxation, you work so hard…”
“Ya do, too,” Hoshina immediately adds and Leno’s heart fills with gratitude. Hoshina looks excited and Leno wants to hug him, to kiss him, to protect him from all the pain and sadness in the universe. “But yeah, that sounds good? I used to visit some places in Kagoshima Prefecture ‘cause my mom has family there so yeah, I know many fun places we could go to…”
“And the flights are not so expensive now,” Leno cuts in quickly. “We could go for five days, use three for some sightseeing and two just for relax…”
“Yeah, just sleep long, fuck and eat good things,” Hoshina says with a grin. “What do ya think, Gen?”
Leno is sure they both hold their breaths, their enthusiasm almost exaggerated only for Narumi to catch fire, to share it, to want it.
“What about General?” Narumi mutters, avoiding their intense stares. “One of us…”
“I’ll ask Mina,” Hoshina interrupts him immediately. “She’ll agree.”
“But he doesn’t know her too well,” Narumi says stubbornly, brows knitted. “That’s why it should be…”
“Yeah, I thought about it, too,” Leno quickly says, ignoring how unpleasantly heavily his heart beats. He forces his tone to be light, he did expect that. “But it’s fine! After all, I can’t really take vacations soon before exams, or anywhere that isn’t during the fixed break,” he chuckles and he needs to get a damn grip on himself because his voice is breathless. “You can go on holiday and I’ll take care of everything here. And, and then you will come back.”
Happy and relaxed, normal and loving. To the cleanest house in the whole of Japan. To their favourite dishes. To healthy and spoilt General. To Leno.
“I didn’t mean…” Narumi starts but Hoshina catches Leno’s gaze and holds it. There is a question there and an apology and a promise and really, Leno will do anything for Narumi to love and want them again.
“But it makes sense,” he says gently, with a small smile and catches Narumi’s hand reassuringly. Narumi doesn’t take it away. “You’ll have such a great time, sir. You need a break, you both need some real rest. And you will come back.”
To me.
“We’ll make it up to ya,” Hoshina says feverishly and he is the embodiment of hope when he turns to Narumi so Leno only shakes his head. It is okay, everything is fine. “What do ya say, Gen? We’ll go, right?”
“I…” Narumi starts and clears his throat, shooting them both a nervous glance. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”
It doesn’t feel like a punch, it doesn’t make Leno’s eyes get teary. He just deflates and has to put his hands on the counter so as not to slide to the floor. Well, it was just an idea, one of many. He knew it could result in rejection.
“Then maybe,” he starts, licking his lips but doesn’t know how to continue.
“Why the fuck no, Gen?” Hoshina interrupts him and his voice shakes. Leno can’t determine if because of anger or his feelings getting hurt.
“Hoshina…”
“No, enough. What’s yer problem? Ya have somethin’ to say to us then just say it.”
“I don’t, it’s just…” Narumi starts defensively. “Only…”
“Don’t,” Hoshina cuts in again. “Don’t ya dare to play fool. I can’t get ya, Gen. It fuckin’ scares the shit out of me that I don’t get ya at all, after all these years. Ya hurt us and ya make us hurt each other so just fuckin’ say what’s wrong so we can fix it.”
Narumi looks as if Hoshina punched him but then he takes a deep breath.
“I don’t think I can be with you anymore,” he finally says. Leno thinks these words echo in the kitchen. In Leno’s head. In his whole world. “I… I don’t know how to. It’s not that I don’t love you because I do but I just… I’m hurting you just as you said and I don’t know how to stop and I know it will end, and… I just don’t understand what I’m doing and all I know is that I loved once and it finished the way it finished and I just may… not be able to love like that again. I’m sorry.”
It is Hoshina who starts crying.
“Fuck ya, Gen,” he sobs angrily and when he stands up abruptly Leno jumps to him but Hoshina pushes his hands away, his gaze glued to Narumi. “Fuck ya. So what, ya want to break up with us? Or with one of us? Or what the fuck do ya want?”
“I, I don’t know,” Narumi says desperately, in such a small voice that Leno wants to hug him. But he won’t survive if Narumi pushes him away now, too.
“So ya better learn what ya want and fuckin’ quick,” Hoshina says between ugly tears rolling down his face, his chest heaving violently. “‘Cause I can’t take it anymore.”
“Sōshirō…” Leno tries, scared and lost.
“I need to be alone.” Hoshina chokes out.
With this, he rushes out of the kitchen and into their bedroom. The door closes without a dramatic slam. It echoes in Leno’s head anyway.
He turns to Narumi who rubs his teary eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Narumi mumbles again.
“It’s okay,” Leno says reflexively, trying not to let panic seize him, but Narumi snorts unhappily.
“It’s really not, don’t you think?” he says and it is sharp. Leno doesn’t flinch, he is too numb and shocked for that. “Why don’t you tell me that I treat you like garbage recently? It’s true. Why don’t you slam the door, huh, Leno? What would have to happen for you to have enough just like Sōshirō has?”
“Don’t go,” Leno whispers. His hands clench on the backrest of the chair. His knuckles are white and he isn’t even sure Narumi can hear his voice.
“I, I don’t understand anything anymore,” Narumi says and he is crying more and more violently. Leno wants to hug him but his feet are glued in place. “I fucked everything up, of course I did, I just…”
Leno wants to catch his hand, tell him this is not his fault, that they will figure it out if Narumi only lets them, that it can be all good again. But he can’t move and his tongue is so heavy in his mouth. Breathing is such a difficult task.
“Please,” he manages to choke out so breathlessly that Narumi must hear nothing.
He must hear nothing because he turns away and walks out, crying, and soon there is a thud of the door to his study.
The kitchen is very quiet after that. Leno hears only his own breathing, irregular and elaborate. All the thoughts racing through his mind seem to get caught and lost in sticky cotton filling his head. His heart beats so fast that the world is spinning.
He waits, listening, but no one comes back. There is no sound coming out through the pair of closed doors. Everyone just needs a moment to themselves. It isn’t… It can’t be… Leno can’t really think. He must concentrate on breathing because otherwise he can faint here and they won’t even hear. That is simply not necessary, to make a show of himself. So he waits a little longer and when he trusts his limbs again, he finishes cleaning the table. He washes the dishes and wipes the counter, putting all the food back into the fridge and cupboard. He does all the little things that must be done, that make him feel needed.
Then he sits on the floor, with his back to the cabinet, hugging his knees tightly. They won’t come out tonight. He wants to go and knock on both doors but… Maybe they are asleep already. Tired of all the crying. He doesn’t want to wake them up. Because only sleep would make them ignore his knocking and his pleading, right? It is impossible to happen otherwise. He believes that. He is just… so scared. He is so cold and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. It takes him a long moment to realise that he is crying into his knees, into his folded arms. He sobs for what feels like an eternity.
When he finally stops, he is much calmer. For some time he just sits there, numb and cold. Time is like jelly and he doesn’t know how much of it passes as he stays on the floor, hugging his knees tightly to his chest. There are no thoughts in his head, no feelings, he just… is.
And then the sun rises, slowly and soon all at once — it is a cold, November sun but it still paints the kitchen in warmer colours. Leno stands up, too, and walks to the window, wincing when his numb limbs protest. He rubs his swollen face as he looks outside. At their garden, the tiny orchard, and the lawn before their house. It is still theirs, all of it, just like this relationship is. Nothing ended inevitably. Leno was a soldier, and Hoshina and Narumi were, too. And deep inside they know that there is only one thing that makes so many things too late — death. So Leno takes a breath and his body fills with oxygen — and with hope.
They are given another day. Another chance to make it right. Leno will use it, he will try to make everyone here remember that they do love each other — because he still believes in that. And if it doesn’t work, he will try again. And again. He survived fighting with monsters, countless injuries that gave him ugly scars, all the dread and despair — not to give up on what he values the most. What he lives for, really. He will try to make these two loves of his life happier, then they will try to figure the rest out, together.
He blinks sleepily. It is already six in the morning if the sun rises, they will soon have to go to their jobs and classes — so Leno prepares breakfast.
It is an easy one, his hands are too clumsy today, his mind a little too slow to do anything sophisticated, but miso soup is warm and the rice with a few pickles smells good. He puts the bowls on a tray he bought once, ignoring the teasing of his boyfriends who insisted that he acted like a dutiful little housekeeper, and takes it to their bedroom because Hoshina has to get up as the first one.
He doesn’t knock mostly because he doesn’t have a free hand for that. Deep inside he isn’t sure Hoshina wouldn’t send him away so better not to ask. He opens the door with his elbow, balancing the tray, and comes into the room.
“Leno?” Hoshina immediately asks when he enters the room, his voice rough but not with sleep. Looking at his face makes it obvious that he got little if any sleep last night. Dark bruises encircle his reddish eyes and he seems exhausted despite lying in their comfortable bed, under the blanket. Leno’s heart immediately fills with love and it tries to tear Leno’s chest apart to plaster itself to Hoshina.
“I brought you breakfast, sir,” he explains and his voice is ruined, too. He comes up to the bed and puts bowls for Hoshina on the bedside table, leaving the ones for Narumi on the tray. Hoshina doesn’t comment on the second set of dishes, he seems to barely register the food, watching Leno intensely. Leno smiles softly at him. “Please eat it when it’s warm. It was a hard night and you have five classes to lead.”
“I cancelled the first two,” Hoshina croaks after a heartbeat and Leno’s mouth forms a thin line. Hoshina must be feeling terrible to resign from classes, he is so hard-working and dedicated — and really likes his job. He never avoids taking a new group or an individual student if he can squeeze them into his schedule. And of course, if they can afford it because Hoshina is an expensive teacher. Yet everyone coming here is prepared and willing to shower the ex-vice-captain of JAKDF with money only for him to grace them with his attention. The decision to call the lessons off is not something Hoshina would make easily.
“That’s good,” Leno decides and sits on the verge of the bed with the tray on his lap and adjusts the blanket to cover Hoshina’s back more cosily. “Then please, eat breakfast and try to sleep a bit, you look exhausted.”
“Did ya sleep at all?” Hoshina whispers and his fingers brush Leno’s swollen face. Leno shrugs. Hoshina sighs and rubs his eyes with fatigue. “I’m sorry, Leno. I’m so fuckin’ sorry. For the last few weeks, I tried to… But I neglected ya and I hurt ya as if ya were some fuckin’ thing to be put on a shelf and taken back when it’s convenient again.”
“You have no reason to be sorry, Sōshirō,” Leno says calmly and he means it. He takes Hoshina’s hand into his and feels a pang of happiness when his boyfriend doesn’t take it away. “It was a hard time for everyone and we all tried our best. I don’t mind it, it’s Narumi who is our priority…”
“No,” Hoshina interrupts him. “No, Leno. We’re all equal in this relationship. It’s what we wanted and tried to build. He’s important, yeah, but so are ya. And me. Sure, I wanna help ‘im if he decides he still wants to be with us. And even if he decides to end it. I’ll always want to help ‘im ‘cause I fuckin’ love ‘im. But I’m not gonna hurt ya ever again, don’t interrupt me, I did, I know I did. Yer not less important than ‘im, Leno. I’m sorry I made ya think that ya were.”
“You didn’t, Sōshirō,” Leno insists and smiles at him warmly. “We will make it work, he is lost but he started talking a bit yesterday, and it’s a step forward, right? It’s hard but it’s another day, we will make it all better.”
“Ya make everythin’ better,” Hoshina mumbles, bringing Leno’s hand to his mouth and pressing it to his lips. “Yer cold, ya must’ve frozen on that couch without a blanket.”
Leno shrugs, not willing to admit that he spent the whole night on the kitchen floor like an idiot. Hoshina’s tenderness fills the void in him that has been gaping in recent days, no matter how much he denies himself to pay attention to it.
“I’m going to bring Narumi breakfast now,” he says and bends to kiss Hoshina on the cheek, careful not to spill the soup on the tray. “Please get some sleep. It will be okay.”
Hoshina hums but he squeezes Leno’s hand once more before he finally moves his attention to the food. It brings Leno satisfaction, taking care of his boyfriends, and making sure they are fine. He nods and takes the tray down the corridor to Narumi’s study.
He hesitates for a moment, not sure if this time he should knock or not but the fear that he would be sent away if he gives Narumi a choice wins and he tentatively opens the door, coming inside.
Narumi lies down on the futon he has here and sleeps on sometimes when he is too exhausted to crawl into their shared bed after a gaming marathon. Or, more accurately, for when he hides here for naps during the day, mumbling some nonsense about how he has to work. At this hour, he usually sleeps like a log in the morning, but just as Leno suspected, magenta eyes, bloodshot and miserable, are wide open and get even wider when he realises that Leno brings him breakfast.
“I know that you usually don’t eat so early, Gen,” Leno mumbles and he kneels next to the futon and puts the tray on the floor. “But I had a feeling you might be awake and food will make you feel better.”
Narumi doesn’t move and Leno hesitates but then smiles at the captain softly and starts to get up. A hand immediately grabs his thigh and pins him back to the floor.
“Why are you doing this,” Narumi whispers after a long moment of silence. “After all I said and… and how I treated you, both of you, you should have enough of me.”
“Of course, I don’t have enough of you,” Leno says calmly, even though his voice is still rough after crying half of the night. He covers Narumi’s hand with his and Narumi lets him. It almost makes Leno’s lips tremble. “It’s tough, for all of us. For you because you’re going through something hard and for us because we want to help you but we are failing and… And it hurts to see you struggling. But… But that’s the point, right? To be together when it’s tough, too.”
Narumi doesn’t say anything, only starts blinking very fast and Leno doesn’t want to make him feel bad again. Recently whatever he does it feels like the wrong thing and it makes Narumi even more unhappy. A bitter wave of self-hatred rises like bile in his throat but this is not about him so he wills it down and tries again.
“I was thinking,” he starts and he is aware of how slow his thoughts are right now. Maybe he should just shut up. Respect Narumi’s words about not wanting them anymore. He just doesn’t believe in them. Some pathetic part of him is convinced Narumi loves him, still loves him, and Leno just never learnt how to give up. He looks at Narumi now and he knows his gaze is too open, too vulnerable, too lovesick. “Remember that arcade where we went on our first date? I have some stuff to do nearby and we could meet there after your work. You liked that place, remember? We could…”
“Leno,” Narumi interrupts him. He licks his chapped lips and looks at Leno pleadingly. “All I said… What if I can’t love you like this because…”
“Then you will love me the way you can,” Leno cuts in and it comes out sharp. Desperate. “I don’t care, Gen. As long as you want to love me, I will take everything you want to give me. You’re my world, you both are and for as long as you don’t tell me to fuck off and disappear, I’m going to fight for you like I never fought in my life.”
“Says the strongest soldier the JAKDF has ever had,” Narumi whispers, the corners of his mouth arching down.
“Yeah. I, I will respect your wish if you want to break up,” Leno says and no, his voice is not as calm and steady as he would like it to be. But he is telling the truth and he hopes Narumi believes him. “But you still didn’t say that. So I’m here and I will be here. You won’t be alone.”
“I don’t want to be alone,” Narumi whispers and Leno bends to kiss off his tears.
“I know.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Leno simply says. “Let us help you. Tell us what you need.”
“Even if it’s parting ways?”
Leno nods because he can’t make himself say the words. He digs his fingers into his thighs hard not to let his body tremble.
“I’m… I’ll figure it out,” Narumi finally says. “You can tell Hoshina that… I will tell you what I want, I will… I will learn.”
“Can I help you?” Leno asks desperately and Narumi smiles at him softly.
“You do,” he says and then his brow furrows a little as he takes Leno’s hand away from his clothed thighs. “Stop that, it will bruise. Hey, Leno?”
Leno only blinks at him, not trusting his voice.
“Have you slept? Did you make breakfast for yourself? Yeah, thought so,” he sighs and finally gets up only to reach for his hoodie that he was wearing the previous day and without question, he pushes it over Leno’s head, making him cooperate to get into it. It is so warm and it smells of Narumi. It makes Leno tremble and nearly moan with how overwhelming it feels. Because it feels… to be close. “I’ve been a fucking asshole to you…”
“You haven’t.”
“...and you bring me breakfast the next morning. I don’t deserve you.”
“This is the biggest bullshit you said in the recent month,” Leno says with his brow furrows. “And you said a lot of bullshit.”
That surprises Narumi into a snort and he casts Leno another unreadable glance. Leno chooses to interpret it as positive.
“I won’t go to the arcade with you today,” Narumi changes the subject and just when Leno wants to say that it is fine and to retreat quickly, Narumi catches his hand and gives it a little shake. “Because I should go somewhere else. To… to try and untangle this mess. Make decisions. Do something.”
“Alright,” Leno says. “We will be waiting for you. As long as it takes.”
“But Hoshina…”
“Just come back, please,” Leno adds in a very small voice and finally gets to his feet. “Eat breakfast when it’s still warm, you need it.”
Narumi’s gaze is enigmatic but he reaches for the tray so Leno nods and leaves the room.
He should at least brush his teeth and soon be off for the train. The first lecture starts in less than two hours and he promised his friends to be a bit earlier to exchange some notes.
5.
I’ll come over in an hour. Tell ur guard dogs cuz i’m not in the mood to explain who i am, Gen texts quickly and doesn’t care if he gets a reply, pushing his phone into the pocket of his uniform. He looks at the amount of papers on his desk, scrunching his nose. Well, they lied here for a few weeks, it won’t hurt anyone if they remain here for one more. He likes the stacks they grew into, they shield him from the door and when Hasegawa bursts into his office, Gen has a moment to at least pause his game or even save before the console is torn off his hands. He tries to chuckle to himself but it comes a little breathless.
Last weeks… exhausted him. He has never been good with feelings but his relationship made him believe he was so much better these days. And then suddenly everything came crashing down at him, out of nowhere. Nothing happened, nothing hurt him, he didn’t hear anything that could bring unwanted thoughts or painful memories. It wasn’t a special date, he wasn’t more physically tired than usual, and there was nothing that could trigger this reaction. He fell asleep with his arm and thigh thrown over Hoshina, with Ichikawa plastered to his back, sighing with contentment. And then he woke up with a sense of dread creeping over him, separated from his boyfriends by a thin wall of glass and with terrifying confusion filling his head. He looked at Hoshina and Ichikawa’s sleeping forms, at Sōshirō’s slightly opened mouth, so sweet and vulnerable. At shadows that Leno’s lashes cast on his cheeks in the dim light of the barely rising autumn sun. They were lying so peacefully, wrapped in safety and a sense of being loved, with Hoshina sprawled on the bed and Ichikawa with the blanket pulled up his chin — and all Gen saw was Isao’s bloody, savaged body. He listened to their calm breathing and could only think about those never fully formed confessions, breaths that made him almost hear his name, groans and huffs that had to be enough. He untangled himself from the warm mess and ran away to his study, feeling nauseous.
He was surrounded with so much love and it felt like something he got by mistake and in a moment fate would realise its slip and take it from him with a cruel laugh. He loved like a mad man and it didn’t feel enough because love never saved and love didn’t repair. If he wasn’t strong enough himself, love wouldn’t do shit and he felt weak and confused. Lost and not able to form these thoughts, not knowing how to phrase his fears. Unsure of what to do, trying to come up with the right solution and hurting everyone around him more with every day. Wasn’t that enough of a message about what a failure he was? It was like trying to get out of a swamp, the more he tried and scrambled, the deeper he bogged.
He sighs, still lost and strangely detached but at least now he knows what needs to be done as the next step. He promised Ichikawa that he would decide what he wanted. He owes his boyfriends that. That and so much more but at first some clear and honest explanation. It is not easy to find it on his own, though, as he fights his way through the thick fog. Well, challenges should excite him, right? That would be in character. He just doesn’t feel much like himself recently.
He clicks on the comm on his desk and Hasegawa’s face appears.
“Captain?” he asks with his typical exasperated expression.
“I’m going to Tachikawa now,” Gen informs him without introductions. “I cleared my schedule, not that there was much to clear. Will come back home directly from there unless there is an emergency but I don’t plan for it to happen.”
“Usually you can’t plan emergencies,” Hasegawa grumbles automatically and Gen almost smiles. He expects Hasegawa to start trashing him for using office hours to do some private business, which he must know Gen wants to deal with in Tachikawa. Hasegawa’s face becomes grimmer than usual. “I’ll take you there, captain. I have no tasks that can't wait till tomorrow and it will be quicker this way.”
“Hasegawa…”
“See you by the car, you know where to find it.”
Gen hums to the already black screen. He isn’t in the mood for questioning or pedagogical chats and being closed in a vehicle for almost an hour will surely result in one of these. But it will be much faster indeed and he has no patience for travelling there by public transport. He will have his console and hopefully, he will be able to ignore Hasegawa’s attempts at some unnecessary heart-to-heart.
To his surprise, Hasegawa talks very little on the way, a few topics connected to their last mission and the mess they are still cleaning, in paperwork and physically. He recollects a few silly stories about his daughters and Gen finds himself asking questions because he adores the gremlins. He plays his game without conviction, barely concentrating on it while he also doesn’t feel fully engaged in the conversation. He is in this strange limbo where he spends most of his time these days.
When they stop before Tachikawa in the parking lot, Narumi mumbles his thanks.
“I’ll wait for you,” Hasegawa informs him in a tone that doesn’t leave any room for disagreement. He takes out his phone and opens a game only ancient people could be playing. “Go.”
Narumi nods slowly and marches to the building with hands in his pockets, staring at the building with barely hidden disgust. It was never pretty but after all the damage it went through, the biggest part of it got transformed into a research centre. He hates the knowledge that the fucking council members are still keeping Kaiju there and no matter how noble their aims, it is a disaster waiting to happen. The former third division is guarding the whole thing and he knows that Mina shares his lack of enthusiasm, to put it mildly. She is professional about her tasks, as she has always been, but also disapproves of what is happening in Tachikawa. They talk about it in hushed voices when all four of them meet and Hoshina and Ichikawa are engaged in something else. The fact that both men are outside the force now is the least important reason for whispering, it is more about not wanting to worry them. But today he isn’t here to visit Ashiro, neither personally nor for work purposes and he flashes his badge at the gatehouse and turns to the research wing and then, blinding everyone with his pass and his inhuman retinas, he is finally allowed in front of the door to the office of one of the main ambassadors of this whole mess. He comes in without knocking, accompanied by gasps from the secretaries and other office workers.
“Aren’t you going crazy here, student?” he asks with a mean grin. “Don’t tell me you wouldn’t prefer to cut some monsters in half with your subtle axe.”
Shinomiya Kikoru grins back at him from behind her desk, and despite all serious surroundings, her face immediately shines with cheeky mischievousness. And her eyes reflect that longing which… Fuck, her eyes.
“Not everything is about killing Kaiju,” she shoots back with amused flickers in her eyes. Gen has to stop looking into them. “But believe me, Captain Narumi, I would give it all up in a second to subjugate a nasty monster.”
“To get all messed up in its blood and guts.”
“One could think you know me or something,” she giggles and pushes aside some papers. “You want some coffee? Tea?”
“Look at you, a real businesswoman,” he teases again, sitting in the swivel chair and spinning twice for good measure, bringing his legs up for more speed. “Shouldn’t you go to school, kid?”
She snorts and rolls her eyes at him so he spins again. They should have such chairs in the first division.
“I finished school before joining JAKDF and now I’m doing some university courses,” she explains with a bit of superiority which he doesn’t hold against her. “But it’s important what we do here, Captain Narumi. Kaiju have to pay the debt to humanity and they can be used in so many ways. People just need to understand how and what can be done with them to help us.”
“Oh, I don’t doubt that Shinomiya who was a soldier on the team that defeated the last Kaiju is the right person to convince people to shower the project with money,” he smirks and she blows her lips. “It’s just… People seem to forget that it happened only what, a year ago? You aren’t even twenty. It’s all so fucked up.”
“I’m doing fine,” she says and it is supposed to be defiant, he is sure of it, but it comes out reassuring. Which… Maybe he wanted to hear that. Maybe she knew that. She smiles that tiny little smile that breaks his heart. He wonders if she knows that she inherited this smile. “I miss some parts of being a soldier but on the whole, it is good that the fighting is over. I like this job and well, I have the best sparring partner. Especially when I feel like kicking some Kaiju ass.”
He snorts at that and spins again, hoping that she will tell him to stop. She doesn’t seem to mind, though. She doesn’t ask why he came, doesn’t try to be supportive and doesn’t ask questions so most probably no one talked with her about Gen’s mess and she is not sent on a mission to repair him. She looks at one of the pages lying on the desk and furrows her elegant brows as if it personally offended her.
So Gen keeps spinning.
“Did he ever talk about me,” he suddenly asks and his own words startle him.
Shinomiya seems to consider his question seriously.
“No, I can’t remember anything,” she says and he doesn’t know if he expected it or if his heart drops. Maybe both. “I mean, your surname could appear in some talks but he seldom talked about the specifics of the job.”
“Sure,” is all he can say.
“Well, did he talk about me?” she says and her tone is ironic. “About his only daughter? In some cosy, private moments.”
He feels a furious blush blooming on his cheeks.
“No, I don’t think so,” he mumbles and suddenly he wishes it was different.
But she only smirks.
“Of course not. That just wasn’t his style,” she sighs. “He never talked about what was important to him. It was more about… maintaining the world around him.”
He hums and spins again, trying to collect himself.
“You had to search for these tiny things to see that he cared,” he mutters. “The tiniest of smiles or the way, ah, the way his eyes crinkled. It was the softest he got.”
“I was too young to be this perceptive probably,” she says a little mercilessly, a little nonchalant. Gen knows it hurts her, that she defends herself this way. And it hits him that yeah, he got lucky. He understood that and could read those signs. He knew that he was important. “And spent too little time with him. But I know he cared for me, in his own way. He was an unhappy man, my father.”
“Tell me about it,” he tries to deadpan but it is punched out and miserable.
“But mostly because of how he denied himself to be happy,” she says firmly and he stops the chair to look at her. “Now that I’m older…”
“Oh yeah, ancient,” he makes his best effort to snort.
“Should I remind you that you date someone not that much older than me?” she retorts without a beat. “Don’t tease me about my age, Captain Narumi. I went through enough to age like a damn dog and not human, all of us did.”
And he can’t deny this. They can be just regular people on the surface but their collection of traumas and scars they carry should be gathered in the course of much longer lives. So as nothing comes from his opened mouth, he takes another spin on the chair and her eyebrow finally twitches a little. Apparently, riling Shinomiyas up is in his bloodstream.
“Anyway, I think my father was trapped in all those expectations he thought everyone had. While it was him, always him who expected more than needed from himself,” she says and he likes how the world is a little blurry when he spins so fast. “And when I was little I thought it was amazing, you know? He loved my mother so much that he never even tried to be with someone else. For so many years. And when I learnt… Well. I thought I would hate you. But I didn’t. I regretted that he never told me. Never told anyone officially. Didn’t let himself be happy.”
“Officially,” Gen repeats.
“Don’t be like this, Captain Narumi,” Shinomiya says and casts an unreadable glance at him. “Let yourself be happy.”
“Look at this brat,” he huffs but it is breathless. “Why do you think I want to listen to advice from you?”
“Because you came here and asked about him,” she says brazenly, playing with the lock at the end of her ponytail. “And I don’t think you miss me enough and even more that you drove all the way from Ariake to spin on my chair.”
“Why not, I need such a chair in my office,” Gen decides and stands up. He doesn’t think he got any answers he hoped for, here. But then… What could it be? What could he hear from Isao’s daughter to solve his current problems? Still, he hesitates.
“You said he never loved anyone after…”
“No,” she cuts in. “I didn’t say anything like that. I don’t think it works this way. And I’m happy he wasn’t alone all these years. That he had someone. Someone different from her, that it wasn’t just some… Substitution.”
“You can’t know that,” he gives up on any pretence of not being out of breath. He just lets his bangs cover his eyes.
“I can,” she says and her words are like a clean cut of her axe. “I have a brain and I’m not subtle enough not to ask questions, so I did. I couldn’t ask him, not anymore, this is true. He wasn’t exactly… Our relation… Well. I would love to be able to talk with him now that I am more than just his child. Although Kafka says it doesn’t work like that, that I would always be Isao’s child in the first place.”
Gen shrugs. He will never learn something like this.
“I just think and it comes from me, their daughter, so you can treat it seriously,” she says arrogantly and winks at him, the little damned brat. “That while it sounds oh so romantic, fuck the lifetime romances when one person is dead. Fuck them. We are all so briefly here, we deserve happiness for this little while.”
“You definitely spend too much time with Kafka,” Gen mutters. “That’s really something only a fucking ancient person could say.”
“Of course I do, I should never even be in his proximity, the old creep that he is,” she smiles at Gen wickedly and he just has to grin back. “And here we are.”
“Here we are,” he whispers back.
“There are different ways of how you can love someone is all I’m saying,” she says in a final tone.
“Enough, I can’t take it anymore,” Gen whines mockingly. “I’m taking the chair.”
“Don’t you dare!” she threatens but her eyes are laughing, daring him to do it.
“It’s compensation for listening to all this fucking life advice from a brat who barely crawled out of her crib,” he announces, easily lifting up the chair and placing it on his shoulder.
“I’ll tell Ichikawa that you call him a brat!”
“I never called Ichikawa that!”
“He’s only a year or two older than me!”
“He’s everything that you aren’t! So serious and mature.”
“He is in love with you!” she underlines with satisfaction. “He loses all maturity points for that.”
“Hoshina is in love with me, too! Call him immature,” he dares and only when the words leave his mouth, he feels how they make his heart beat heavily.
“This is Vice-Captain Hoshina,” she blows her lips. “He’s so perfect he can have his ridiculous, incomprehensible quirks!”
He is perfect. They both are. Suddenly he misses them so viscerally it hurts his body. He wants to banter with Hoshina playfully while lying on his chest, exchanging little kisses between insults and licking laughter off his lips. He wants to hug Ichikawa and keep him in his arms, feeling how his body melts, trusting and pliant as Gen tells him about his day and all his little thoughts he wouldn’t tell anyone else because only Leno can get them. He wants to see Leno bringing Sōshirō tea without disturbing his reading and Sōshirō catching his hand and kissing the palm as a thank you, not taking his eyes away from his book. He wants everything, he wants a whole life with them… He just doesn’t think he deserves it.
“Did I deserve him?” he says, whispers, breathes. It takes him a second to understand that he said that aloud.
“Did he deserve you?” Kikoru shoots back. “I don’t think it works like that, either. For example, I don’t think anyone deserves me, really.”
It makes him snort so loud that he starts to laugh at the sound he made and she joins him, too.
“You can put the chair back, you know.”
“Nah,” he shrugs. “I’m taking it.”
“Hey!”
But he flips her off, a gesture for which all the three loves of his life would break his fingers and probably his neck, and walks out, the swivel chair on his shoulder.
“Don’t hurt yourself, stupid captain!” She calls after him.
Maybe he really should try not to. Enough is enough.
*
He doesn’t even take his console out, looking through the window without noticing anything on which his gaze lands. Hasegawa only raised his eyebrows when Gen appeared in the parking lot with the swivel chair on his shoulder and packed it into the trunk with determination. He didn’t comment when Gen jumped into the car and still didn’t grace his vice-captain with any explanation. Hasegawa simply put Gen’s house directions in the car’s GPS and started the engine without a word.
It feels… comforting, to be known like that. In his mind, Gen makes a list of people who have always cared for him, despite him being weird and annoying. It is not a short list taking into consideration that he didn’t expect anyone to figure there. And of course, two names go beyond any reasonable behaviour when it comes to him, two people who are bent on keeping him happy even if it hurts both of them. He doesn’t deserve it. He shouldn’t let them. He should… He isn’t…
How fucking hard everything is.
“The members of the council used to enjoy telling me how much Isao loved Hikari,” he finds himself mumbling into the palm of his hand. For a second he hopes it will be too unclear to get but Hasegawa nods.
“He did love her a lot. Completely smitten,” he agrees, eyes on the road.
“Huh,” Narumi hums. “They took real pleasure in waving stories about how his eyes started to shine when she entered the room.”
“Idiots.”
“Did they start to shine?” Gen asks with a tiny huff of an unhappy laugh.
“I heard stories,” Hasegawa says with a shrug. “About how crazy he was about her. But I wasn’t invited to the meetings which these two attended back then. Or wouldn’t dream of sitting anywhere close to them in the canteen or wherever. So I’m not going to tell you. Maybe.”
“They definitely didn’t shine when I entered the room.”
“No, they didn’t,” Hasegawa chuckles. “He was frowning so hard, wondering what new shit you started.”
“Huh,” Gen repeats and he hates how the streets get blurry again. “I guess I’m just not a person who makes anyone’s eyes shine.”
He despises the fact that although he means it as an ironic remark, his voice is hushed and wavering.
“That’s what I thought, too,” Hasegawa says conversationally. “Before one silly kid proved me wrong.”
Gen turns to him, blinking the stupid tears away and although Hasegawa has his eyes still glued to the road, only sometimes glancing at the directions on the screen, he is smirking.
“It was so ridiculous it was funny,” he simply continues. “It was in one of those meetings after defeating No 9. Here he was, all serious and mature despite what a baby he was. What, eighteen? Nineteen? But he talked with so much confidence, explaining the strategy displayed on the screen to a group of officers. I thought to myself that yeah, no wonder they had given him No 6. And suddenly, for a moment, all this professionalism disappeared and there was a lovesick teenager standing there, shining with such admiration and devotion, like a fucking lightbulb. I followed his gaze and damn, it was you, Narumi. You entered the room, playing on that stupid toy, not even paying attention to him. You couldn’t care less while for him, you were already the eighth wonder of the world.”
“I don’t remember it,” Gen mutters.
“Of course you don’t. You wouldn’t care for a lecture given by some kid, no matter that all the rest of the force acclaimed him a prodigy and the strongest soldier,” Hasegawa chuckles again. “It was kind of cute, if embarrassing, the way he always looked at you. I thought that well, it was the young age, the infatuation. But you know what, Narumi? A month ago? At my youngest’s birthday party. You came back to the living room after helping the girls build a ship from pillows or whatever. No matter, you came in and fuck, the same lightbulb. As if you were the meaning of the world personified. Poor bastard.”
Gen joins Hasegawa’s laughter, feeling strangely elated and even more shaken.
“But Hoshina…” he starts anyway, vulnerable and raw.
“Well, I would have to first see his eyes to check if they shine,” Hasegawa deadpans and Gen barks another laugh — and something in his chest loosens further. “But at least with him, I didn’t have to guess. He just told me.”
“He did? But what…” Gen mumbles, not able to tear his gaze off his second in command.
“You were hurt from a fight, I met him in the hospital,” Hasegawa says, still in that light tone. “I knew you two had something going on at that time already but I thought it was… Well, that. A thing. So when I came I told him that he could go, and I would stay with you now. And he shook his head seriously and said that he would be there for as long as necessary. I said that there was no need, and he simply replied that there was because he loved you. Just like that. I don’t think I ever heard someone confessing love for anyone this easily. As if that was the most obvious, most natural thing in the universe. To love you, Narumi.”
“Fuck.”
“Mhm, that’s what I thought, too.”
“Fuck,” Gen whispers again, trying to get himself under control. “But… How the fuck do you do that, Hasegawa? How… how can you believe that you’re worthy of it and… And how do you… How's it all…”
“You try every day anew,” Hasegawa says firmly. “You wake up and you just believe you are loved and it carries you. That’s what my wife said once and you know she’s the smartest woman in the universe.”
“She is,” Gen agrees immediately. “Apart from that moment when she chose you.”
“Har har. But I mean it, Narumi. You just try to be your best version and that’s it,” Hasegawa says with a shrug. “Also, you have a therapist appointment planned for next Monday.”
“But…”
“Hoshina approved my choice of the doctor so save it. We’re digging you out of this hole, Narumi, just let us.”
Suddenly… he feels lighter. Like maybe… He isn’t alone, even in this quicksand. There are so many arms to hold him and help him crawl out. And he thinks of these two, Sōshirō and Leno, who love him, who try for him, who he hurt so much. He will make it right. He will try hard, every day and believe that they love him. Maybe… Maybe sometimes this is all there is to it.
“Okay,” he finally mutters and Hasegawa pats his knee not too gently.
*
He texts them both on the way home that he wants to talk so he isn’t surprised that when he is back, Sōshirō is already waiting for him on the couch, General in his lap. Gen hopes Sōshirō didn’t cancel any classes for him, he could never learn his schedule. Leno has to come back from his university and that would take him some more time than just crossing the backyard. Maybe he was already on his way, but his schedule remains beyond Gen’s comprehension just as well. He mumbles his greetings and goes to the bedroom to change into casual clothes. Somehow talking about all the serious stuff with his uniform still on feels like an overkill.
Hoshina raises his eyes at him as he comes in and Gen expects the reddish irises to be wary, maybe even mad. But they are full of hope.
He puts the dog on the floor and it trots away.
“You’re here,” Gen whispers.
“‘Course I’m here,” Hoshina whispers back with a small smile that almost doesn’t waver.
Before he knows it, his legs move and he is in Hoshina’s arms, clinging to him with his whole body.
“Let’s wait for Leno with the talking,” he mumbles into Sōshirō’s neck.
“Mmm, don’t expect ya to go through the whole thing twice,” Hoshina teases but it lacks heat.
“Just hold me.”
“I will, always,” Sōshirō whispers, pulling him into his lap.
This is how Ichikawa finds them some time later.
“Gen? Sōshirō?” he says in a breathless tone. His cheeks are pink, Gen wouldn’t put it past him to run the whole way here.
He slides off Hoshina’s lap and sits next to him on the couch, indicating that it is time for the talk. Ichikawa nods a little unsure and sits in front of them on the floor. There is something that irks Gen the wrong way in this picture, the two of them next to each other and Leno sitting there but he can’t concentrate on it now when he gathers the courage to tell them everything. He doesn’t even know how to start. So he simply opens his mouth.
“I’m… I don’t know what happened,” he says and his stupid voice is already trembling. “But it was so fucking great and then the next day I was drowning. I found it hard to, to get my fucking head around our relationship. How you can love me. And how I can love you when… When… Fuck, I miss Isao, you know. He was… and still sometimes when I think about him… But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I do. I just… I never, I. I didn’t know love and now I have so much of it and it’s overwhelming sometimes but, but I will see some fucking shrink because I’m going to make it right and I’m sorry I hurt you, and I love you two so fucking much. Ah, fuck, and it’s a new day and we will make it work if you have me,” he sobs and laughs, gazing from one to another, from Sōshirō hugging him tightly around his shoulders to Leno hugging his legs, with his cheek on Gen’s knee. “You will have me, right?”
“Ya fuckin’ bet,” Hoshina chuckles and it is wet. “Just try to talk when somethin’ like this happens, Gen. We’re here for ya.”
“Yes,” Ichikawa nods with devotion. “Whatever you need, Gen.”
“Don’t push us away, idiot.”
“I’ll try,” Gen promises and he means it when Hoshina wipes Gen’s eyes with the back of his hand. They exchange so many little kisses that Gen loses count after two minutes.
“Good,” Sōshirō says and his smile changes into a smirk. “Now, I guess ya hev some making up to do.”
He catches Gen’s chin in his hand and smashes their mouths together. Gen almost whines into the kiss with how much he desires it and with how well Hoshina gets him. How much easier it will be for him to show them how much he loves them while concentrating on them like this. Letting his body talk and explain that they are his whole world, that he will take care of them forever. He will make sure they are pleased, happy, and safe in his arms. Loved some crazy amount. His apology and his confession. He licks into Sōshirō’s mouth, familiar and heavenly, and something in him heals under the touch of the soft tissue.
It takes him a moment to notice that his legs were released.
“Leno?” he asks and moves away from Sōshirō enough to see that Ichikawa looks at them fondly but moves away.
“I’ll make dinner,” he says quietly and smiles at Gen softly.
“Why the fuck are you going to make dinner now?” Gen asks without comprehension and Leno shrugs helplessly.
“You’ll be hungry when you finish, no?” he mumbles and looks nervously between them, lost.
Gen doesn’t get it and opens his mouth to ask if he is still angry and hurt. It would make sense, Gen did treat him like trash recently so it would make sense if Ichikawa was wary but…
“Leno, we want ya with us,” Hoshina beats him to it. “It’s not us and ya. Only when we’re together, the three of us, everything’s complete. We want ya. It makes no sense without ya.”
“You think that…” Gen starts incredulously but the look on Ichikawa’s face, the way he scrunches his nose like a rabbit, the way he wrings his fingers — it all makes him shut up. He remembers all these times he waited till Leno went out and only then had sex with Hoshina because it was easier, not so overwhelming. All these times when he pushed Leno away, didn’t want to touch him because he thought he would burst. All the moments when he made Leno think that he didn't want him anymore, that Leno didn't count as much as Sōshirō did. “Oh, Leno.”
He extends his hand.
And Leno catches it immediately, still unsure and vulnerable, accepting so little, not asking for more. But Gen will give him more, he is ready to give him anything. He pulls him into his lap and another part of him heals with how Leno’s body melts into his almost immediately. He takes Leno’s face in his hands and kisses him.
“I love you so much it is killing me,” he whispers into pink lips. “Please let me show you.”
“Gen,” Ichikawa pleads, blinking very fast. Gen kisses him again and again.
“So much making up to do,” he says musingly. “Good that I’m so hardworking. Hey, why are you two laughing, bastards!”
“Can’t wait to tell Hasegawa that,” Hoshina smirks.
“You really want to talk with him about how I fuck you?”
“Uh-huh, kinky bastard.”
“You’re the one who starts talking about my employee when I’m planning to fuck you! Why are you even thinking of him, you fucking pervert?”
“Idiot,” Hoshina laughs fondly. “Maybe I want the whole world to see how much ya love me. Ya love us.”
“And you’re saying that it’s me who is an exhibitionist in this relationship!”
“Because ya are,” Hoshina nearly singsongs. “Look, ya broke Leno.”
Because Ichikawa is laughing and crying and of course, he tries to move away from Gen’s lap and hide — Gen knows that crying renders Leno vulnerable to the point of fear. But he won’t allow Leno to run away, he needs him close and he needs him to understand that he belongs here and that he is loved just the same when he feels weak and delicate. Not only when he takes care of them and repairs the whole world, not only when he is the strongest and tries so hard. He is always loved to the point of making Gen want to scream. He is loved the most because it is the only love he deserves. So without thinking, Gen simply lifts his oversized sweatshirt on his stomach and Leno gets it and immediately slides beneath it like a wild animal to a hideout, crying into Gen’s chest now. He hugs him tighter through the material.
“Don’t suffocate ‘im,” Hoshina says tenderly, stroking Leno’s back soothingly, and Gen presses Hoshina tighter to his side, too.
“I won’t,” he promises. “I will never hurt you again.”
“Ya might,” Hoshina says but it is calm and straightforward. He doesn't move away. “And we can do it to ya, too. Not on purpose but it can happen. Just… Let’s try to work it through. Let's stay together.”
“Yeah,” Gen agrees hoarsely and plants a kiss on Sōshirō’s forehead. “I will, ah, I will try. And you know what? Rin agrees to take General for a few days to her place and he adores her. Problem solved. Now we only need to derail our dutiful student here and talk him into skipping a few classes here and there.”
“I think if we join forces he should be quite easy to convince,” Sōshirō muses with a grin that promises lots of good times and wet giggles coming from under Gen’s sweatshirt confirm his words. Ichikawa’s breath tickles Gen’s skin and he won’t have it any other way.
He wants to express all this love that boils in him to the point of exploding. He wants to confess that they are his whole world and that he will devote his life to showing them that there are different kinds of love — and that he is going to discover all the ways in which he can love them for as long as they let him.
He opens his mouth.
“I’m going to fuck you so good that I’ll make you forget what an asshole I was.”
And maybe it wasn’t exactly what he planned but they both laugh so openly and cling to him, loving him the way he is, with all the baggage.
And maybe that is the point.