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“What do you even know about pain ?” Jeongin snaps.
Seungmin would have rolled his eyes at the irony of the situation, if he didn’t mind upsetting his maknae further. The latter made a bad move during dance practice and twisted his ankle. Seungmin knew Jeongin hadn’t had a good start of his day, so he didn’t mind his comment, as clumsy and hurtful as it was. Knowing his maknae, he would just apologize later.
Seungmin sighs as he lifts him off the floor and brings him to the sofa so he can rest. The rest of the hyungs hurry at the maknae’s side to make sure he’s okay and after a few attempts at shooing them away, they finally go back to practice, leaving the maknae to rest. Seungmin feels Changbin’s gaze on him as he goes back to his position.
“Puppy, you’re okay ?” He asks.
“Yes, I just zoned out, I’m fine.” Seungmin answers.
“No, not that. You’re not in pain, are you ? You don’t dance like you usually do.” He continues and Seungmin sighs before answering. He knows the look of worry in his hyung’s eyes.
“No, I’m not in pain, don’t worry. It’s an off day, I didn’t sleep so well last night.” Changbin nods at his answers, he doesn’t look suspicious as he goes back to his position to start the practice again.
-
When the end of practice finally comes, Jeongin motions Seungmin to join him on the sofa. As he sits down next to the younger, Jeongin looks down at his lap.
“I’m sorry, hyung. I didn’t mean to snap at you, I was in pain and I’ve been having such a bad day. It’s no excuse, I know. I really shouldn’t have yelled when you were just trying to help.” He apologizes and Seungmin chuckles, ruffling his hair.
“It’s okay, Innie. Thank you for apologizing, but I know you, I know you didn’t mean to be rude. How is your ankle ?”
“Thank you, hyung. It’s okay, I think. Channie hyung is bringing back ice so I can put it on my ankle while going back to the dorm. I think I’ll be better by tomorrow.”
“Don’t push yourself, get some rest. We don’t want to make it worse by not being careful.” Seungmin tells him and he can’t help but feel like a hypocrite as the words leave his mouth.
When Chan comes back and takes Jeongin back to their dorm, Seungmin is finally left alone in the practice room. He told his members he wanted to practice a move, so he could be alone for a bit. Felix told him he would bake brownies while waiting for him to come back, Seungmin smiled at that, he couldn’t wait to eat his dormmate’s brownies.
Alone in the room, Seungmin finally lets go of his facade and drops to the floor. Changbin was right; he always seems to be when it comes to Seungmin. He is in pain, his leg hurts. It’s been hurting for over a month now. He doesn’t know what happened, he went on a run one morning and his leg hasn’t stopped hurting ever since. At first, he thought he was just sore, so he rested for two days. When his rest days didn’t do anything to ease the pain, Seungmin thought about talking about it, but he feared the consequences. They were in the middle of promoting their comeback, he couldn’t just take a break at this moment, he couldn’t let his members down. So, he told everyone he felt better and went back to practicing and promoting. The members still teased him about that sometimes, thinking it was just a stiffness. Seungmin would have found it funny, if the pain didn’t get worse, if he didn’t feel like dying every step he took. He knows he should have at least said something after the promotions were over, but the pain turned out to be distracting.
“Is that what you call practicing a move?” A voice comes up from behind him, startling him. When his head snaps in its direction, he’s met with Changbin, whose teasing smile fades quickly when he looks at Seungmin’s face. “Wait, Minnie, are you crying? What’s going on?”
Seungmin’s eyes go wide as he realizes he’s been crying. He turns away from his hyung and tries to get up, but he’s met with a pain so high that a scream escapes his mouth and he falls back on the floor. Changbin is kneeling by his side in a second.
“Puppy, did you hurt yourself ?” He asks, his voice is filled with concern.
“I’m sorry.” Are the only words that come out.
“Why are you sorry ?” His hyung asks, clearly confused.
“I can’t- I can’t get up.”
“What do you mean you can’t get up ? It’s that bad ?” Seungmin sees his hyung starting to panic.
“I need my bag.” Seungmin asks but Changbin isn’t listening. “Hyung, my bag please.” This time, Changbin gets up and Seungmin’s bag is in his lap a short moment later. His hyung is scrutinising his every move, so when Seungmin gets a bottle of pill out of his bag, it gets snatched from his hands before he even has the time to open it.
“Kim Seungmin, what the fuck is that?” Changbin says. He sounds mad and Seungmin is too embarrassed to look up at him. “Why would you have pain relievers in your bag? How long have you been hurting?” When he’s met with nothing but silence, Changbin gets up from where he was kneeling. “I’m bringing you to the hospital. No, you don’t get to argue.” He adds when he sees Seungmin about to protest. “I’m texting the members, we’re going to the hospital and you better have a really good excuse for the pills in your bag, Seungmin.” The older hauls the younger in his arms as if he weighs nothing and makes his way to their car.
The ride to the hospital is quiet. Seungmin is in pain, he can feel his mind drifting away, unable to focus on anything. If he had been in his right mind, he probably would have noticed the apparent worry on his hyung’s face, his gaze going back and forth between Seungmin and his phone, as he’s trying to inform their members of the situation. Seungmin thinks he hears someone calling Changbin’s phone, he’s not sure, the pain is so strong, he can’t hear anything. He doesn’t hear his hyung calling out his name in distress as he drifts into unconsciousness and blacks out.
-
When he wakes up, Seungmin is surrounded by his members. The first person his eyes go to is Changbin. Of course, it’s him. He’s seated right next to Seungmin’s bed. Hyunjin is behind him, one comforting hand on his broad shoulders. Minho and Jisung are sharing an armchair next to the sofa where Jeongin and Felix are sitting, the maknae has his legs on his hyung's lap. His leader is pacing in the middle of the room. His oldest hyung is the first one to notice that Seungmin’s awake.
“Minnie, you’re awake ! You scared the hell out of us.” At his exclamation, the others’ heads lift up in one movement. It almost makes Seungmin smile at how in sync they all are. The members sitting at the other side of the room get up to come closer. Their voices overlap each other. “Guys, one at a time, please…” Chan says, trying to calm them down.
The room gets calmer again. Seungmin can’t help but notice Changbin’s silence. He hasn’t said a word, his gaze not leaving Seungmin. The younger knows he is mad, he can feel it. He shakes off the feeling of discomfort starting to bloom in his stomach and turns to Chan instead. He is met with a comforting smile.
“What did the doctor say?” He asks. Chan opens his mouth to talk but before he has the chance to speak, he gets cut off.
“Oh, cause you care about what a doctor has to say now?” Changbin snaps and Seungmin can feel the tears forming in his eyes. He blinks, he doesn't want to cry.
“I-” He starts but Changbin isn’t done.
“No, you want to know what the doctor said? Fine.” He doesn’t wait for an answer. “He said that given the extent of your injury, this has been going on for at least a month. Care to explain that, Kim Seungmin?”
Seungmin can feel his heart dropping to his stomach, he’s seen Changbin mad before, this isn’t new. But his hyung has never been angry at him before. He feels a tear rolling down his cheeks, he hates crying but he deserves it this time. It’s his own fault, he deserves Changbin’s anger, he deserves being yelled at.
“Hyung, calm down.” Hyunjin says, his hold on Changbin’s shoulder tightening in warning.
“Bin. Go wait outside. He doesn’t need that right now.” Minho says, firmly.
Changbin meets Minho’s unwavering gaze, about to argue, but he seems to think better of it, gets up from his chair and leaves the room, angry. Hyunjin sighs. He takes Seungmin’s hand and squeezes it. Seungmin doesn’t need to talk to understand what he is asking. He nods and Hyunjin follows Changbin outside, after sending an apologetic smile to Seungmin. The silence that follows his hyungs’ exit is awkward, Seungmin swears he can hear his heart shattering. Felix sits down on his roommate’s bed, taking his hand in his.
“The doctor said you needed rest.” Felix tells him. “He said you were badly injured and you needed to rest from any physical activity. Minnie, I’m not saying that to blame you, but can you tell us how you did that?” He squeezes Seungmin’s hand when the latter looks down in shame.
“I don’t know.” He starts, he knows his members are listening to his every word. “Remember that time I went on a run and took a 2-day break because I was sore?” He looks up and is met with nods. He sees understanding making his way on Minho and Chan’s faces. “After that, I told you, I was all better, right?” He scoffs. “I wasn’t. The pain never left, but we were in the middle of our comeback’s promotion. I didn’t want to be a burden for the group by taking a break and leaving you having to make adjustments.”
“Minnie, that was more than a month ago !” Jisung exclaims.
“What you’re saying is that you went on stage hurting like that and none of us noticed?” Chan says.
“Hyung, don’t go thinking this is your fault. I’m the idiot here. I could have said something, taken a week off to rest. If I did that, we wouldn’t be here. I didn’t. You’re not responsible for my recklessness.”
“How did you manage to dance if it hurt at each step you took?” Minho asks.
“Pills.” Seungmin says, quietly enough that only Felix hears it.
“What?! You took pills?!” He exclaims. Seungmin looks down, avoiding their wide eyes.
He’s ashamed, he wishes he could turn back time and do what he should have done. Maybe if he did what was right, he wouldn’t have to face the disappointed looks on his best friends’ faces. Maybe Changbin wouldn’t be so mad that he couldn’t even stand looking at him.
“I’m sorry.” He says. “I know I shouldn’t have, it was stupid.”
“Yes it was.” Minho interrupts. “Don’t look at me like that, Chan-ah. You know it was stupid, and he knows it too. Don’t do that again, you put your career and your health at risk. You’re lucky Changbin found out.”
Seungmin looks down at his lap, he feels Minho’s hand ruffling his hair. His hyung might sound harsh, but Seungmin knows it’s coming from a place of worry. After an hour trying to make his members leave to go rest at their dorm, they finally leave his room, not without promising to come get him and bring him home the next day.
Alone in his room, he sighs, it feels weird. He can’t feel the pain in his leg anymore, the medicine is probably working. He can only feel the ache in his heart. It’s been there long before he hurt his leg and if he was being honest, it was one of the reasons why he bore the pain for that long.
It came slowly, it was not anything big. The way love appeared in his heart and stayed. He didn’t notice at first, it felt natural, they were friends. He didn’t question it, he never knew anything else. Seungmin cared for Changbin the way he cared for the members; deeply. But then he started to notice. Notice how at peace he felt around him, how safe. Changbin’s presence had become his anchor before he could even try to stop it. He noticed how something in his brain would settle when he heard him laugh, how it became quieter even in a loud room. With every smile from Changbin, he felt this warmth taking over his body.
For a moment, he thought it would pass. That it was just a fleeting feeling caused by their constant proximity. But the feelings stayed, they grew bigger, until he wanted to spend every minute with his hyung, until he started craving his attention like a lovesick puppy. And he hated that feeling. It made him want to fly away, to avoid it, because no matter how romantic of a person Seungmin was, no matter how in love with love he was, witnessing it and experiencing it weren’t the same thing. It was terrifying for him; the idea of having no control made his skin crawl. So he tried to avoid it, to not think about it. He buried his love deep inside his heart and tried to act normal. He managed to do it at first, for months. But Changbin was in all his thoughts, even when they were apart and Seungmin was starting to lose his mind. Since avoiding thinking about Changbin didn’t work, he started to avoid his hyung all together. He started to refuse outings, started to sit the furthest away from his hyung during interviews and content filming. But Changbin wasn’t having that, he took it as a challenge and became even clingier. Seungmin had to accept it, there was no getting over it, he had to live with his feelings for Changbin growing bigger each day.
The thing is Seungmin wished he could be normal about being in love, but he wasn’t, he had never been. Meeting the members filled an emptiness he never noticed before, they made him feel complete. Something about Changbin felt different though; where he found family in his members, he found a soulmate in Changbin. Someone who could tolerate his bursts of energy, someone who made him feel seen even among chaos. He had no trouble finding words and turning them into songs, but he couldn’t put into words his feelings for his hyung. They overwhelmed him, they felt too big and held too much meaning to be described by existing words, he was struggling to keep them in check. Having to be around the person he loved everyday knowing he would never be able to call him his was cruel and it hurt in ways he had never been hurt before. So, when he injured his leg, when the pain stayed and got worse, Seungmin chose to keep hurting, because it would have never been worse than the constant stabbing pain in his heart.
--
He’s awakened the next morning by a loud voice before the door bursts open. He feels arms around him before he even has time to properly open his eyes.
“I’m sorry I left yesterday, Seungminnie!” Hyunjin cries holding him close.
“It’s okay, Jinnie. I understand why you did.” Seungmin smiles, hugging his friend back.
“I’m also sorry about Changbin, you know how he is when it comes to our health. But don’t worry, he’ll come around.”
“He isn’t coming, is he ?” He asks, looking at the other boy.
Hyunjin doesn’t have to answer, one look at his face is enough for Seungmin to know that he guessed right. Changbin wasn’t coming. He was still mad. Deep down, Seungmin knew he wouldn’t come, but he still had hope. Seungmin was starting to wonder how many times a heart could break in a span of 24 hours, because his hadn’t stopped breaking since yesterday afternoon and the pain was becoming unbearable.
When the rest of the members come to pick him up, he is hauled in Chan’s arms as soon as they leave the car, carrying him to his dorm. Hyunjin laughs so hard at the sight of a grumpy Seungmin being carried like a princess by a beaming Chan and declares he has to take a picture. Seungmin loves his leader so much and he is so thankful for him, but he can’t help thinking that if Changbin had been here, he would have been the one to carry him in his arms. Because he was always the one who took care of him, no matter the situation. But maybe this time, Seungmin went too far and, as Chan places him on his bed slowly and leaves the room after making sure he doesn’t need anything, he wonders if he would ever be able to live in a world where Changbin doesn’t forgive him.
The answer is no, it would destroy him.
--
It takes a week for Changbin to send him a text asking if he is free to call. As if Seungmin had other things to do, as if he hadn’t been stuck in his bed for the past week with Felix screaming at him every time he tried to move. Still, when his phone rings with an incoming call from his hyung, he watches it for a while before answering.
“For a minute, I thought you wouldn’t pick up…” is the first thing Changbin says when Seungmin finally answers his call.
“For a minute, I thought so too.” Seungmin replies, his voice is a murmur and he hears Changbin sigh on the other side of the phone.
“I’m sorry, puppy. I shouldn’t have-” He starts, before Seungmin interrupts.
“Don’t apologize, hyung. You should not apologize. I’m in the wrong here. I was stupid, you know that, why would you even apologize? I’m the one who is sorry.”
“Only you would get mad at me for apologizing.” The older chuckles. “I still shouldn’t have yelled at you like that, not in the state you were in.”
“I would have done worse if the roles had been reversed, I know that and you know it too.”
Seungmin’s affirmation is followed by silence until Changbin speaks again.
“Why did you do that ?” He asks. “And don’t tell me what you said to the boys, I know you’re not that stupid, you would have never risked your health over something as stupid as promotions.” He adds, before Seungmin has the chance to answer.
And again, it hits the spot, because Changbin always seems to be right about Seungmin. No matter how hard Seungmin tries to hide things from him, Changbin always knows, which leads to moments like this, where the younger struggles to lie, because it could ruin everything and it would.
“Minnie? I’m right, aren’t I?” The older asks.
“No, you’re not.” Seungmin lies.
“I can hear the lie in your voice, Seungmin-ah.”
“Can you drop it ?” The younger asks.
He knows he won’t be able to keep things from his hyung, he never was able to. The only reason Changbin doesn’t know about his feelings is because he never asked. This past month, keeping the pain in his leg a secret, it had been a miracle. The first time he successfully kept a secret from him.
“You know I won’t, tell me Minnie. Why would you be so stupid to injure yourself that much?” Changbin insists and Seungmin breaks, because he was always weak when it came to Changbin.
“Because the pain was distracting.”
“Distracting ? What do you mean ? What on Earth could have been so unbearable for you to risk losing your leg ?” Changbin tries to understand, he really does but it only makes sense to the younger.
“You.” He says in a breath and his whole world stills. He stops breathing, doesn’t know how to anymore.
“Me ? Am I that unbearable to you that you would rather feel pain than think about me ? Do you hate me ?” He is hurting, Seungmin can hear it in his voice, but he’s got it all wrong.
“Quite the opposite.” Seungmin says and it should be enough, Changbin should understand, except he doesn’t.
“What do you mean ? I don’t get it Minnie.”
“Oh my god, you can be so oblivious sometimes. I’m in love with you. The pain helped me distract myself from my feelings for you, okay ? It was too much and I didn’t know what to do and it was driving me crazy and then I hurt my leg; finally something else hurt. When I was in pain I didn’t think about you, so I took the pain.” Seungmin finally snaps. Here it goes. Fuck it as one says. Except, nothing could have prepared him for the silence he is met with, he hears his heart explode in a million pieces. So he adds “I’m sorry, hyung. I’ll try to stop.” and he hangs up.
He sends a text to Felix, asking him not to let anyone in the dorm and turns his phone off. He just told his best friend, his soulmate, he was in love with him. He did it. And his reply was silence. Silence. He had imagined laughter, rejection or incredulity but he never imagined silence. Seungmin had never imagined a world in which Changbin would love him back. That’s why he accepted the fact that his feelings would stay hidden. He could have lived with it. Their relationship wouldn’t have changed. Seungmin annoying Changbin every chance he got, Changbin humoring him and teasing him back, Changbin taking care of Seungmin every time he needed to, Seungmin doing silly pranks just to hear his hyung’s laugh. But all of that had been shattered, because the younger didn’t know how not to tell his hyung everything, because for a second he hoped. He shouldn’t have. Now his heart was in pieces and Seungmin didn’t know how to function anymore. Tears were rolling down his cheeks. He gathered his strength to get up and lock his bedroom door before laying back in bed. He could not do anything about his broken heart or about his career, but there was one thing he could do.
He could sleep.
--
Seungmin startles awake at a loud sound. It takes him a minute to realise that someone is banging at his door. Not the dorm door, his bedroom door. His first reflex is to turn on his phone. 21 missed calls from Changbin. About 35 texts from him and 2 from Felix. He opens the ones from his dorm mate. The first one is an answer to his text K, is everything good tho ? and the second one is him apologizing. I'm sorry but Changbin hyung wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Changbin is at his bedroom door, that’s him who was banging at his door five minutes ago. Is he still here ? Why did he come ? Nothing makes sense. He feels his phone vibrate in his hand. Changbin is calling him. For the 22nd time.
“Wait, it’s ringing. He turned his phone back on.” Seungmin hears Changbin mutter on the other side of the door. “Kim Seungmin, open that freaking door. I know you’re awake.” Changbin starts screaming.. Everything in his head is screaming at him not to, he wants to run away, but he is trapped, there’s nowhere to go. The only door in his room leads to Changbin.
Then it hits him. The only way for his heart to go is to Changbin, it had always been and it would always be. As scary as opening the door is, there is no other option. He opened the door for him a long time ago when he let him in his life. Changbin was here, he had come and as he realised that, Seungmin also realised that of all the persons he could have given his heart to, Changbin was the safest. It wasn’t scary, because Changbin was here and he would never intentionally break Seungmin’s heart. It took him some time to realise it, but now, he understood.
He made his way to the door.
“Kim Seungmin open the fucking door ! How the fuck do you expect me to tell you I’m in love with you too if you avoid me ?!”
The door opens and Seungmin meets Changbin’s eyes.
“I’ve never heard you curse that much before.” Seungmin says to break the silence. He heard it, he thinks he did. But it feels too good to be true, he’s scared he imagined it. He doesn’t want to ask, but he needs to or he’ll go insane. “You said- you said you-” He stutters.
“What are you even doing standing up ? Go back to your bed. Did you really have to lock your bedroom door ?” Changbin grumbles as he grabs Seungmin's waist to help him to his bed. Once Seungmin is back in his bed, Changbin sits down next to him. “You’re really a dumbass, you know ?”
“Oh I am now ?” Seungmin asks and Changbin smiles up at him.
“I don’t want you to try to stop. Don’t stop, Minnie.” Changbin says and Seungmin’s eyes go wide. “You really thought I would reject you ?”
“You’re not ? Rejecting me, I mean. But, how ?” Seungmin thinks he is dreaming, because there is no way this is happening.
“What do you mean how ? And I’m the oblivious one here ? I’m in love with you, everybody knows that, Hyunjin was starting to go crazy with how much I talk about you.”
“Hyunjin? But I thought you two-”
“You thought me and Hyunjin- oh no, Minnie, no.” Changbin laughs.
“Why are you laughing? It’s not that stupid. You call him your wife…” The younger mutters.
“Were you jealous ?” The older asks, earning a glare from Seungmin before laughing. “You think you're the only one who got jealous ? You think I didn’t want to fight Channie hyung for carrying you in his arms when you left the hospital ? You think I didn’t hate myself for not being here when Hyunjin sent me the picture ?”
“But that doesn’t make sense…” Seungmin starts but Changbin cuts him off.
“It doesn’t make sense for you, because you only saw what you wanted to see. You distanced yourself, leaving me having to make double efforts to spend time with you. Do you really think I would have made this much effort if I didn’t like you ? It was physically impossible for me to be far from you, it still is. I know it’s my fault, but this week without seeing you or talking to you has been awful, I hated it and I never want to do that again.”
“You’re in love with me ?” Seungmin asks. Because he needs to hear it again.
“Yes Minnie, I’m in love with you.” Changbin replies.
Never in his life had Seungmin imagined this possible, it never crossed his mind. Changbin was in love with him. He loved him, the same way Seungmin loved Changbin. So when he looks at him, wide eyes, big smile on his face, he thinks there is no way he would ever let him go. Whatever was about to come, they would face it together. He had spent too much time lost in his mind, not giving himself a chance to be happy. He could have been with Changbin all this time if he hadn’t listened to the voices in his head. So when Changbin puts his hand on his cheek and leans in, Seungmin ignores the voices in his head, crashes their lips together and his whole world comes to a stop.
Because if the voices in his head ever said anything right, it was that Seungmin loved Changbin, he always had and always will.