Work Text:
WELCOME NEW SMS STAFF!!! :)
After the regretful closure of Skull and Crossbeans Coffee, I am pleased to welcome you all to ‘Shiver Me Sprinkles!’ Please read the updated ‘friendbook’ so as to avoid any of the same personnel, health code and fire violations that contributed to the end of our chapter as a coffee shop.
Much love (and gentle encouragement)
Stede
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Post-it from unidentified employee:
We are literally all the same people? Who are the ‘new’ staff?
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Notice From Manager, posted to ‘SMS Intranet’:
Whoever keeps putting ‘cream stuffed holes’ on the menu – LUCIUS – stop it. Now.
Reply From GlazingYourNuts:
Me? I think you’ll find no one actually saw me do that. Not that I did it. So there was nothing to see.
Reply From Manager:
How the [expletive filtered] did you change your name to…that?!!!
Reply From GlazingYourNutsDaddy:
Wouldn’t you like to know?
Reply From DrizzleDaddy:
CHANGE IT BACK RIGHT NOW!!!
Reply From DrizzleDaddy:
HOW THE [expletive filtered] DID YOU CHANGE MY NAME???
Reply From GlazingYourNutsDaddy;P :
You’ll have to pump me for information later.
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Notice From Captain Bonnet (Owner), posted to ‘SMS Intranet’:
Friendly reminder to all staff that intranet messages can be ready by any and all staff members with a login. Please also refrain from setting your user ID to anything that isn’t your real name, or a permitted nickname.
Reply From JimJimTheDoughnutKing:
Really ‘Captain’?
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1/5* - What’s the connection between pirates and doughnuts??? This is just as stupid as that pirate themed coffee place that went out of business.
Reply from Owner:
The connection is doughnuts and pirates are both incredibly interesting and fun. Sorry you have no sense of whimsy.
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Notice on pink paper, bordered with hand drawn sprinkles and posted on staff-room door. (Also includes doodle of two pirates duelling with finger doughnuts).
Please Remember, The Accepted Customer Greeting Is: Welcome To Shiver Me Sprinkles, What Can I Get For Your Today, Matey!
And Not: Next – Hurry Up! - What Do You Want?
(Written below image of a blonde pirate being torn apart by a sea monster)
I am wearing the sodding paper hat. I am not saying that shit.
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5/5* - Thicc doughnut boy, what that mouth do???
Reply from Manager:
Hurt your feelings probably.
Review posted to ‘SMS Intranet’ by GlazingYourNutsDaddy;P
Reply from GlazingYourNutsDaddy;P:
Don’t I always kiss it better for you?
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Notice From Captain Bonnet (Owner), posted to ‘SMS Intranet’:
Looking for someone to dress up for St. Patrick’s Day to market the Beer Batter Rings and Holes of Gold. Any takers? Wee John?
Reply From Weeeeeeeeeee!John:
I will literally form a HR department just to call it on you.
Reply from Captain Bonnet (Owner):
Fair enough!
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Notice From Captain Bonnet (Owner), posted to ‘SMS Intranet’:
Can whoever took the Leprechaun costume from my office return it by the end of the day, no questions asked.
Reply From AMysteriousLeatherCladVillain:
Only if you promise in writing that no one has to wear it.
Reply From Captain Bonnet (Owner):
Izzy is this you?
Reply From AMysteriousSexyVillain:
No comment.
Reply From Captain Bonnet (Owner):
Izzy, you’re the only one the costume fits. Also, I know Lucius is helping you because he’s the only person that knows how to change our names on here.
Reply From AMurderousSexyVillain:
I’m not helping anyone!!
Reply From Captain Bonnet (Owner):
Where are you two anyway? You’re meant to be back from your break by now.
Reply From AMysteriousLocation:
Mind your business.
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