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It feels like it hasn’t stopped raining these past few weeks. Feels like it’s just a constant downpour, you could say it was some sick kind of pathetic fallacy. It’s cold. The kind of rain that feels like it cuts straight to the bone and leaves you absolutely soaked. Iain is sat outside the hospital on a bench, staring into the downpour. His uniform is soaked, his shoulders heavy with the weight of the shift that’s only just started. If he stays out here any longer he’s definitely catching a cold. However it just feels like it’s just one thing after another today, he was starting to wish he did have a cold so he could’ve just stayed in bed.
His mind is racing with thoughts but also feels like it's trapped in a fog. He keeps replaying the scene in his head—the look in the man’s eyes, the desperate, almost blank expression when him and Jacob arrived on the scene, the frantic way he begged them to save him. Begged to live. Iain can still feel the pulse of the adrenaline, the rush that kept him calm during the chaos, but now that the crisis has passed, it’s sinking in. His breath catches as he tries to swallow the lump in his throat. He knows exactly how that man must’ve been feeling leading up to what happened. He was there once but he got a second chance, he was saved, although he still wasn’t sure whether he deserved to be.
He closes his eyes, rubbing his face with both hands, trying to push past the memories and thoughts, but they won’t go. The isolation. The darkness. The desperate longing for it to end. It was too much. He looks up at the doorway to the hospital, his chest tightening. Faith is standing there. Just hours earlier she had asked for his keys back, the keys to her house. He knew it was over, it has been over for months now but giving those keys back just felt so…final. He suspected the excuse about Luka losing his keys might’ve been a lie but he didn’t blame her.
She looked over to where Iain was slumped over on the bench, absolutely drenched. Stevie had told her what had happened with the man him and Jacob had bought it. Found out he was about Iain’s age when he was in a dark place. Found out Iain had rushed out of resus as soon as Stevie called time of death. Part of her wanted to run over to him, take him in her arms and look after him. The other part of her however, knew that wasn’t her place anymore. It wasn’t her place to check on him, she wasn’t even sure he’d want that after everything she’d put him through.
Iain had been through a lot in recent years, he’d been through a lot his whole life to be honest. He did feel like until recently, everything had been starting to feel normal, feel good again. He had a girlfriend, he had 3 children that weren’t his but were as good as. He felt comfortable and confident in his job again. He was feeling good enough. But sitting here now, drenched in the weight of what he’s just witnessed, it feels like he’s drowning all over again.
She knew it was wrong, knew she should just let him come to her if he really wanted to, but she found herself walking over to him. She knew him better than she knew herself and knew that even if he was completely broken he was unlikely to ask for help. She kneeled down in front of him, taking his hands in hers and sighed slightly.
“Iain…it’s freezing out here and you’re soaked, come inside.” He looked up at her, she could instantly see the vulnerability in his eyes, a crack in the wall he’s normally so good at keeping up.
“Fai-“ She doesn’t let him finish. She perches on the bench, her arms open, and before he can protest, he’s in them. The warmth of her embrace cuts through the cold, and for a moment, he thinks he might be okay.
But the mask he normally wears so well comes completely off. The flood of old emotions, the overwhelming sense of helplessness, of fear, of pain, it all comes crashing down on him. He chokes on his breath, his body shaking as the tears spill out. Faith holds him tighter, her hands rubbing up and down his back, her voice a quiet, steady whisper in his ear.
“Hey… hey, it’s okay. I’ve got you, I’ve got you…”
But Iain can’t stop. The weight of everything he’s been holding back, everything he normally tries to push down, everything he’s been trying to ignore, all breaks free in the safety of her arms.
Iain trembles, his fists gripping onto her scrubs on her back, as if holding on to her is the only thing keeping him from falling apart completely. His face is buried in her shoulder, his breaths coming in ragged gasps. The sobs come fast, raw, and uncontrollable: He can’t stop it.
“I—I couldn’t help him, Faith. I couldn’t save him, I couldn’t save Sam or Mia or...” he choked out.
Faith pulls back just enough to look him in the eye, her hands cupping his face. The rain still pours down around them, but in that moment, it feels like there’s nothing but the two of them in the world.
“You tried your best Iain. You did everything you could. You’re doing it every day, just by being here, by showing up.”
Iain shakes his head, the doubt consuming him, but Faith doesn’t let him turn away. She kisses his forehead and pulls him back into her arms, and this time, he doesn’t resist.
“I’m so proud of you… of how far you’ve come. You’re not the same person you were 5 years ago, Iain. And you’re not alone. I’m here and i’m not going anywhere I promise” She strokes the back of his head, moving her fingers through his hair in an attempt to calm him down, let him know she was right there.
He doesn’t know how long they sit there, the rain falling harder now, but he holds on to her like he’s never held on to anything before. But for the first time in what feels like forever, Iain lets himself just be. He doesn’t need to be the paramedic, the saviour, the strong one. He just needs to be him. The man who almost lost everything, but didn’t. The man who’s still here, still breathing, still fighting. And for the first time in a long time, he lets himself believe that maybe, just maybe, he’s worthy of being saved as well.