Chapter Text
When Octavia Blake saw Raven Reyes for the first time, she was standing next to Clarke Griffin and was wholly unprepared. Clarke had dragged Octavia all the way across campus to some small apartment just outside the boundary of the eastern edge of the college grounds. A girl lived there; a girl Clarke couldn’t seem to get out of her mind; a girl with a roommate who didn’t like parties but who would tolerate just this one because it was her friend’s birthday (and she was considerate like that).
Clarke dragged Octavia to this party because Clarke was desperately (stupidly, quickly) falling in love with this girl, Lexa Woods, and she needed ‘backup’ because she was meeting Lexa’s friends for the first time (“I can’t just go by myself Octavia, what if they hate me?”).
So she went. She let Clarke drag her out of their shared apartment and across campus to a stranger’s house and a stranger’s birthday party because… well because she loved Clarke, and if Clarke needed backup Octavia would be her backup. And honestly she was more than a little curious about who exactly could turn her best friend from a mopey art student into an energized, frazzled mess. There must have been something special about this Lexa Woods.
So yes, Octavia was there for backup. But she was also there because Clarke – as mopey and as stupid as she may be for falling in love with a girl she’s barely known a month – had met her soulmate. And soulmates weren’t the kind of thing you could just ignore.
(Octavia had never actually personally known someone who had found their soulmate, prior to Clarke.)
(Even her parents, who loved each other deeply until her father’s death, hadn’t been soulmates. It was exceedingly, exceptionally rare.)
(7 billion people on the planet, what were the odds you were actually going to meet and find and love the one person the universe had destined for you to meet and find and love? Most people never met their soulmate. Some – the lucky – found their soulmate when they were young and impulsive and prone to quick and messy romance and attraction and longed for a future of destined happiness. But even for them, for these lucky few, for 4% of the population, it was never so easy. Sometimes destiny and fate aren’t enough to force love.)
(Some – the bitter – found their soulmate when they were already old and loved and married; when they had long ago lost their belief in ‘true love’ and in ‘destiny’ and in ‘fate’ and in colors.)
(And some – the miserable – found that their soulmate wasn’t actually meant to be with them. They found that the (cruel) universe had them paired with someone who was already someone else’s soulmate; had them seeing color but their partner’s vision remained staunchly black-and-white; or had them destined to be with someone who they would never be able to love. It wasn’t always terrible. Some people were happy to be platonically involved with their soulmates. Some were not.)
Most people never met their soulmate, so when it did happen… well, this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Octavia to witness. She wasn’t about to pass it up. Most people never met their soulmate, and most people lived perfectly happy and fulfilled existences without their soulmate. So when it happened…
Clarke was her best friend and one of the absolute best people in the world. So her soulmate must be something really special.
What Octavia didn’t know (but was soon to find out) was that Lexa Woods wasn’t really that special, in any sense of the word (if she had said that out loud, Clarke – defensive asshole that she was – would have punched her hard so she kept it to herself). Lexa seemed perfectly lovely – if a little quiet, if a little intense – but besides that Octavia couldn’t really see what all the fuss was about. (Weren’t soulmates supposed to be extraordinary? Wasn’t their love supposed to level mountains? Weren’t they supposed to be this unstoppable magnetic force?)
Clarke Griffin and Lexa Woods were just… ordinary. Two awkward people falling in love very quickly. Hardly anything to write stories or legends or songs about.
Actually, the most interesting thing about Lexa Woods – to Octavia Blake, at least – was the fact that she had a roommate. (“Everyone has roommates, Clarke. You have a roommate; in case you’ve forgotten.” Clarke merely shot her a look. “Lexa’s roommate is different, okay? Just keep an open mind about her.” And fuck her if that wasn’t just about the absolute most mysterious thing anyone could have said.)
Lexa Woods had a roommate. And the roommate hated parties.
Not for any moral reason, for she liked drinking about as much as the next person. Truthfully she hated the noise, the crowds, the people in her space and touching her things and moving her shampoo from its spot and knocking her table 6 inches out of place so that the next time she walked into the common room she smashed her shin so hard that she was limping for two weeks. Raven Reyes hated parties and especially parties in her own home.
But it was Lexa’s birthday. It was Lexa’s birthday and they didn’t have more than 10 friends between the two of them anyways, so it wasn’t like this party was going to be insane and out of control and messy. Besides, apparently Lexa’s soulmate was going to be there. She had come bursting into their apartment about a month back (3 weeks? 4 weeks? She should have marked the date), proclaiming loudly, “Raven I met her!” and so of course Raven was going to concede her home for one night to this inane party.
After all, it was her job to help Lexa get laid.
That’s just what a good friend did.
Clarke was an artist. “Hard to be an artist when you can’t see colors”, Raven had commented under her breath the first time Lexa spoke of the woman, and that comment caused Lexa to walk around in a huff for two days before Raven apologized.
Apparently Clarke used to specialize in charcoal and pencil drawings – things that were only done in grey anyways so it didn’t matter that Clarke didn’t know the color of the sky, or that the ocean could be different shades of blue, or that Lexa Woods’ eyes were green, so so green – but now she painted. She had barely been able to put down a brush in the month Clarke and Lexa have known each other (according to Lexa, who babbles on about this girl like she’s the fucking savior of the universe, the greatest thing since sliced bread).
Lexa told her Clarke had blonde hair and blue eyes. Lexa had brown hair and green eyes. Raven had black hair, and her favorite jacket was red. (Lexa had become very fond, recently, of pointing out the colors of the things around their apartment. “That lamp that we keep by the couch is blue, Raven!” or, “The grass is green, but not the same green as trees, and not the same green as your rain jacket, and not the same green as –” before Raven had cut her off with a growl.)
Not that any of this mattered to Raven. She’d been blind her whole life; describing the way colors looked was about as useful to her as describing Netflix’s user interface. It didn’t stop Lexa from trying though, and Raven humored her, for the most part, because Lexa hadn’t gotten excited about anything really, not since Costia, so if Raven had to sit and listen to her talk about the different greens of grass and tress – even if it would never matter to her – Raven was willing to do it. Because Clarke Griffin made her best friend happy and excited. And she kind of loved her for it (even though she had never met her).
She wasn’t jealous, either. She was happy, honestly thrilled that Lexa had found someone (maybe if she got laid more frequently she would stop being so uptight about the kinds of foods Raven liked to eat at 2 in the morning when she was on her period and miserable and crabby). She wasn’t jealous that she wouldn’t get to see colors. You couldn’t be jealous of something you’ve never known, or never even known you could miss.
She’s been blind her whole life. Seeing color wasn’t really a priority for her growing up. (But kids at school would talk non-stop about the day they would meet their soulmate – even if it was statistically improbable, and Raven knew the statistics. 96% of the population never even met their soulmate; it was likely all a fantasy. And she’s heard the research, too, from scientists who claim that the ‘soulmate phenomenon’ is simply a romantic explanation for a biological chemical reaction – increased hormone production causes a spike in transduction and the cones located in your retina begin firing for the first time. Not destiny or fate, but biology.)
(Octavia knew the research, too.)
The way Lexa talked about color, though… it ignited a yearning inside of Raven, the likes of which she hadn’t felt since she was 16. She wasn’t jealous, per se, but… but she could listen to Lexa describing color every day for the rest of her life, if she had to. And maybe she didn’t believe in soulmates and destiny (maybe everyone was lying about the color thing – how could she know? She couldn’t even see black and white, let alone…). Maybe she didn’t believe in soulmates and destiny and colors, but… but maybe she didn’t believe in just biology, either.
So she agreed to host this party with Lexa. (“It’s not really a party, Raven, it’ll probably just be like… Lincoln and Anya and Clarke and Clarke’s roommate and some beer and some cake” and Raven had just rolled her eyes behind her sunglasses and conceded that Lexa could do practically whatever she wanted as long as she bought the beer and Raven didn’t have to pay out of pocket for anything. And as long as the cake was chocolate.)
So she was sitting on her couch as people she knew (but didn’t really know) talked loudly around her, laughing and passing phones between them, talking about TV shows, about classes, about soccer and football and baseball and frat parties and Raven was really just trying to figure out how soon was too soon to go back to her room and pretend like this whole night wasn’t giving her the biggest headache she’d ever had. But she loved Lexa. So she opened another beer and grimaced and held her tongue and stayed on the couch amidst people she did not want to interact with.
There was a knock at the door. “Hey Lexa, do you mind?” Raven called out to her roommate.
This was only a formality, an inside joke between the pair of them. (Their freshman year, Lexa seemed to frequently forget that Raven couldn’t actually see and so she was pretty useless at answering the door unless the person on the other side called out to her. Lexa used to ask her to get the door if she was busy studying or cooking, and Raven took great pleasure in flustering her roommate by reminding her that she was pretty blind and couldn’t tell if the person on the other side of the door was “ a serial killer or something Lexa. God, do you want me to get murdered, and our apartment burglarized?” Lexa had grumbled, “Why would a burglar or serial killer knock on our front door?” but Raven knew she had already won that battle, and Lexa didn’t complain again.)
“Hi Clarke. And you must be Octavia. It’s nice to meet you.” Lexa’s voice said from by the door. Raven grinned in spite of herself. She was dying to meet Clarke, the girl who had stolen her uptight roommate’s heart and turned her into a slightly less-uptight version of herself (but Raven still couldn’t wear shoes in the house and where was the justice in that?).
She got up and made her way to the door. She knew the layout of their apartment by heart (essential for living in any space, and Raven had become very adept at memorizing spaces) and Lexa never moved the furniture, not even an inch, and she never bought new, thick rugs that tripped Raven up at every turn, and she never left her boots in the middle of the hallway, and she really was a great (and clean) roommate and that was pretty important to Raven, as far as these things went.
(She didn’t actually mind that Lexa didn’t want her to wear shoes in the house.)
“Hi, I’m Raven.” She said, sticking her hand out in the general direction of the bodies in front of her (she could hear their breathing, feel the slight breeze through the open front door, and she hadn’t heard any footsteps so she knew they weren’t inside the apartment, not yet). “You must be Clarke.”
She felt a warm hand in hers. “It’s really nice to meet you Raven. Lexa’s told me all about you.”
“Absolutely none of it is true.”
Clarke had a nice laugh, throaty and deep. Her voice was soft but husky; she spoke clearly and without pausing (which made Raven suspicious that Lexa had probably notified her that her new girlfriend’s roommate was blind, but it didn’t really bother her as much as it might once have).
“I’ll keep in mind that Lexa is a dirty liar. Thank you for warning me. I can get out of this relationship quickly now.”
Raven could practically feel Lexa glaring at her. She cocked her head and grinned. “I have no doubt you could do better.”
“Sorry about her, Raven’s had a little too much to drink tonight.” There was a menacing tone in Lexa’s voice (but also teasing, always teasing) and Raven waved her off.
“Cool your jets Commander. Clarke knows I’m only kidding. Don’t you Clarke?”
“That I do.”
Raven paused for a minute, head tilted in concentration. “Is there someone else here?”
“Oh!” She felt Clarke (she assumed it was Clarke, for the body did not smell like Lexa) shift to the side. “Sorry, yeah, this is my roommate, Octavia. I made her come with me. I hope that’s okay?” Raven figured this last question was not directed at her, so she stuck her hand out again.
“Hi Octavia. Good to meet you. Welcome to our humble abode.”
A soft hand slipped into hers, and Raven felt herself jump a little (though she did not know why). A quiet, clear, melodious voice floated out from the space in front of her. “Nice to meet you too.” That was all she said.
Raven smiled and stepped to the side. “Strippers get here in 30,” and when she heard Lexa’s disgruntled yelp from somewhere to her left, she interjected, “Only kidding, Lex. Strippers are for your 23rd birthday; wouldn’t wanna waste them on 22.”
Clarke laughed from farther in the room. Raven was still standing by the open door, because she was fairly certain she hadn’t felt Octavia move past her yet. She turned back to the open door. “You’re not a vampire, are you? I don’t need to invite you in?”
Octavia moved past her then, so closely that Raven found herself drowning in a wave of perfume so disarming that she swayed where she stood – though that could have been the alcohol and it wasn’t like she couldn’t get the spins (she couldn’t see but her inner ear worked just fine) – so she ignored it. (Octavia smelled like vanilla with a touch of citrus, which was a very good combination, if Raven did say so herself.)
“Sorry,” the girl’s voice said from behind her and to the left. Raven shut the door. “I guess I’m just… a little surprised.”
“And why is that?”
“You’re blind.”
Raven gasped in mock-horror. “I’m what now?”
Octavia was quick to jump in, spluttering with a clearly mortified apology, “Oh God I am so sorry, that was so rude of me to —”
“Octavia relax,” Raven smiled, “I’m only joking. I’m sorry no one warned you that I can’t see.” She leaned her back against the door. “Sometimes people have trouble with it, you know, so… I’m not exactly offended.”
“Why would anyone have trouble with it?”
Raven frowned. “Don’t you have trouble with it?”
“No, no of course not. I’m sorry I was just… I’ve been thinking recently… you know Clarke and Lexa and the whole soulmate thing… like how do you… how do you know when you’ve found yours?”
Raven shrugged, walking towards where she knew the couch to be (Raven had a designated spot on the couch, and no one is allowed to sit in it, with no exceptions. Anya tried one time a year and a half ago and when Raven had entered the common room with the intent to study there, Anya had gotten a lap full of angry and tired college student. No one sat in her spot again).
“I don’t believe in all that soulmate crap,” she said nonchalantly. “If I’m going to be with someone for the rest of my life it’s going to be because I love them, not because the universe or God or some higher power tells me ‘this is who you’re meant to be with you cannot be happy with anyone else.’ I like having free will; I like dictating my own future. I think the idea of soulmates is antiquated and kind of stupid.”
Octavia breathed out a shaky laugh. “Well don’t let Clarke and Lexa hear you say that. They seem to be all aboard the soulmate train to Couplesville.”
“I know it’s absolutely disgusting.” She smiled at the girl who had taken the free spot on the couch next to her. “Can I get you a beer or something?”
“Yeah. Yeah I think I’d like that.”
**
When Octavia Blake sees Raven Reyes for the first time, she thinks she’s having an aneurism.
She was standing outside of a wooden door with a scratched ‘315’ plaque on the front of it. Laughter filtered through the walls and Octavia glanced at her friend. “You’re really into this girl, then, if you’re willing to go to her birthday party with all of her friends who are sure to judge you and claim you aren’t good enough for her.”
Clarke smiled but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Well that’s what I have you for now, isn’t it? You’re my distraction.”
“You’re gonna pimp me out to the most annoying one here, aren’t you?”
Clarke laughed for real this time. “Didn’t you say you wanted to meet Lexa? This is your chance.”
Octavia groaned. “But Clarke they’re strangers.”
“I thought you liked meeting new people.”
“Not when all of those people might judge my best friend – and me by extension. I’m not ready for that kind of stress.”
“There’s free booze inside.”
Octavia rolled her eyes. “Well why didn’t you lead with that?” She raised her hand and knocked sharply 3 times. “Come on Clarke it’s just a party don’t be all weird about it. Why didn’t you knock sooner?”
Clarke shook her head. “You are unbelievable.”
“You’ve known me 3 years, you can’t honestly say that any of my behavior is surprising anymore.”
“I suppose not.”
The door swung open. A tall, beautiful girl stood on the other side. When she met Clarke’s gaze her face practically exploded with brightness. “Hi Clarke.” They beamed at each other stupidly for a few long moments, and it was only after Octavia cleared her throat that she seemed to jolt out of her stupor. “And you must be Octavia,” the girl – Lexa, Octavia assumed, otherwise the lovesick looks would be highly inappropriate – said, “it’s nice to meet you.”
Lexa stuck out her hand, like they were in a fucking business meeting, and Octavia almost laughed (but Clarke pinched her very sharply on the upper and arm so she refrained) and grasped Lexa’s firm hand with her own.
Octavia peered into the room, curiously trying to scope out who was there – and if she knew any of them from class or something similar, and to see if any of them were hot (if she could go home with someone tonight, after an evening of soulmates and free drinking, she’d be pretty pleased) – but it was fairly dark. Movement off to the left of the room drew Octavia’s gaze, and suddenly her vision exploded.
She reached down and gripped Clarke’s hand so hard she felt her friend wince, and Clarke hissed, “Dude what’s your problem?” but Octavia wasn’t listening.
She rubbed at her eyes, trying to understand what was… Octavia shook herself as a girl stepped forward, dark sunglasses on her face and wearing a jacket that was something, something that wasn’t nothing and Octavia found she could not breathe.
“Hi, I’m Raven,” the girl – Raven – had her head turned in almost the right direction, but not quite. She was smiling, but she seemed focused on some point just beyond Clarke’s right ear, and so she was either already very drunk (but that couldn’t be it because she was standing surely and firmly and she didn’t wobble at all when she was walking) or – “You must be Clarke.”
Clarke smiled and shook Raven’s hand. She looked totally normal, totally happy to meet Lexa’s friend (roommate?) and Clarke didn’t seem to notice anything different at all about the hallway and the room that was suddenly so loud, and bright, and so… so not nothing anymore. Octavia blinked harder and felt like collapsing. Was this what dying looked like? Bright lights, neurological firings in her brain causing her eyes to… causing her to tremble beneath the weight of —
“It’s really nice to meet you Raven. Lexa’s told me all about you,” Clarke said.
“Absolutely none of it is true.” Clarke laughed, throaty and deep, just like she spoke, and Octavia had to stare, stare, stare at this girl with the glasses and the jacket that was something and she turned her gaze to Lexa, who must have noticed her astonishment, for she opened her mouth to say something (to explain? To tease? To admonish Octavia for clearly not understanding what was happening) – and Lexa’s eyes were… they were something. They were a different something than Raven’s jacket, a softer something, a clearer something, and —
Jesus Christ, these must be colors. These must be…
Octavia’s hands shook at her side. Lexa was still staring at her, brow quirked in confusion.
These must be colors. But then this girl – this girl must be —
“I’ll keep in mind that Lexa is a dirty liar.” Clarke smiled at the girl and turned her adoring gaze on Lexa, still standing in the doorway. Lexa’s attention was pulled away – far far away – from Octavia and her internal, silent crisis. “Thank you for warning me,” Clarke said to Raven again, “I can get out of this relationship quickly now.”
Lexa glared at her friend (roommate?). Raven cocked her head and grinned in Clarke’s general direction. “I have no doubt you could do better.”
“Sorry about her, Raven’s had a little too much to drink tonight.” There was a menacing tone in Lexa’s voice but a smile on her face so Octavia knew she was kidding and Raven must have known too because she waved her off.
“Cool your jets Commander. Clarke knows I’m only kidding. Don’t you Clarke?” And it was then that Octavia realized 3 very important facts about this girl.
The first was that this girl was her soulmate, she had to be, because suddenly Octavia could see things, maybe color things (but certainly different things from the things she saw before) and she knew that it was because of this beautiful girl in front of her and all she could think about was how bright everything was, how the lights that were flashing inside of Lexa’s apartment weren’t all the same as she thought when she first glanced in, but so many different shades of things and Octavia didn’t have a name for any of them and she found that she absolutely hated not knowing. She had no idea… her entire world had changed in the matter of a few moments and now she had to learn what all of these things were, she had to… she had to talk to this girl.
This girl who had made her see the world for the first time.
The second thing she realized was that Raven had absolutely no idea that there was another person standing in front of her and Lexa at their door.
And the third thing was the reason for the second thing: this girl could not see. She was blind. And a shiver went down Octavia’s spine because when you meet your soulmate you’re supposed to be connected to them, to immediately know that they are this incredibly important person and you’re supposed to be able to feel it and know and… and Octavia was standing in the hallway of a strange building in front of strange people and she was with her best friend but she had never felt more alone in her entire life because right at that moment her soulmate didn’t know she existed.
She was shaken from her thoughts by Raven’s voice. “Is there someone else here?” she asked, and Octavia straightened up and cleared her throat.
“Oh!” Clarke shifted to the side, putting more space between the two of them. “Sorry, yeah, this is my roommate, Octavia. I made her come with me. I hope that’s okay?” Clarke directed the last question at Lexa, who only smiled and nodded her consent.
“Hi Octavia. Good to meet you. Welcome to our humble abode.” Raven stood in front of her with a wide grin on her face and Octavia felt something inside of her melt because, Jesus Christ, this girl was fucking beautiful, even with sunglasses on her face and her hair pulled up, she was… Jesus.
She slipped her hand into Raven’s and the noise of the world drowned for a minute, and she was drowning in Raven and her warmth and colors, for the first time in her life there were colors. “Nice to meet you too,” she managed, and she flushed a little, because her voice was softer than she was used to and she was feeling timid and her stomach was churning and she wanted to say something else, to tell someone that —
Raven smiled and stepped to the side. “Strippers get here in 30,” and then Lexa was dragging Clarke into the room and Octavia still found herself standing in the open doorway, gazing about at everything around her and wondering. She wanted to ask… she could ask Clarke what all the colors meant, right? She could —
But then what would Clarke think? She would ask, of course she would, and then what would Octavia do? How could she explain to her roommate and her roommate’s new girlfriend that the reason she was acting so weird and so dazed was because —
“You’re not a vampire, are you?” Octavia started. Raven was standing in the doorway, leaning against the edge of the frame, and fucking smirking at her. “I don’t need to invite you in?”
Octavia blushed and stepped into the apartment.
She knew in that moment (though perhaps not quite as fully as she should have known) that her life was never going to be the same.
**
She only managed to talk to Raven for about twenty minutes before she stood on shaky feet and excused herself to the bathroom. Raven smiled at her, kindly, and Octavia felt her stomach tumble and roll because she was funny and beautiful and kind and… fuck.
Fuck.
She slipped into the bathroom, past a drunk woman with light hair and a jaw the struck her as so Lexa she almost did a double-take. But it wasn’t Lexa, because Lexa was in the kitchen with Clarke, and Octavia knew that Clarke’s hair was light and Lexa’s was dark but it was… it was more than that and she felt her head aching and her vision spinning and she had to get inside this bathroom.
She shut the door behind her. “Fuck,” she whispered, staring into the mirror, shocked to see the stranger looking back at her.
It was her. She knew it was her. She blinked and the mirror blinked and she raised a hand and touched her lips and the mirror did the same and she knew it was her but —
“Fuck.”
She couldn’t even recognize herself. She couldn’t even…
She pulled her phone out with trembling fingers (it took her 3 tries to unlock it properly) before she paused, her thumb hovering over the phone icon. Should she call… but who would she call? Her mother? Bellamy? Clarke?
She shook herself. Now was not the time. She needed to… she needed to figure out for herself just what the fuck was happening to her before she even considered telling anyone else.
She opened Safari instead.
How do I know I’ve met my soulmate? She typed, but quickly erased it without hitting ‘enter.’
What do colors look like? She typed next, and it was significantly more ridiculous of a search than her first one, and she flushed when she sent the request through but she was so thankful she did.
The first link was titled:
Color Images Next to Black and White Images
And she clicked it. An article (she skipped the introduction) was followed by twelve pictures, side by side; one the way the world used to be and one the way the world now was, and Octavia had to sit down on the edge of the bathtub because her knees were suddenly very weak and she was feeling a little sick. But also…
It felt like coming alive. She hadn’t even known what she was seeing before, hadn’t even considered that there was more to the world than what she had been able to see. She’d heard the stories, of course she had, but how do you explain what a color is to someone who has never been able to see them?
She only made it to the third picture before she felt her eyes welling with tears and she had to close out the window.
She could remember (of course she could remember it had only been 30 minutes) everything about the way her life had once been. She knew what her brother looked like and what shade her bedroom wall was and she knew that Clarke’s hair was lighter than her hair and she understood shadows and light and dark and gradients and she understood all of that but… But.
But it occurred to her that she didn’t know anything, not really. How could she?
She felt the sudden urge to call her brother, to see his picture, to study his face and memorize the way he looked because she knew what Bellamy looked like but she didn’t, did she? Not really. She didn’t even know what she looked like.
She bought the first app she came to that had anything to do with colors (Learning Colors for Beginners! was the unfortunately cheery title and she grimaced but spent the $2.99 anyways).
When she opened it, the first thing that appeared on the screen was a block of… well, color, she supposed. She blinked at it. It looked familiar, and it was because – she suddenly realized in a gut-wrenching moment of extreme epiphany – that was the way Raven’s jacket looked. She had been staring at it for the better part of half an hour.
She glanced at the caption, and breathed, “Red,” and slumped to the floor.
Red. It was red. She knew her first color, and it was red.
(And she knew that it wasn’t right, instinctively, but for the next few months every time she thought of ‘Raven Reyes’ she thought of red and every time she saw red she thought of Raven Reyes, and the two were irrevocably linked in her mind – maybe forever. And she knew that it wasn’t right, instinctively, but she didn’t really mind that at all.)
A loud knock on the door. Octavia jumped, locked her phone with a sharp (loud) ‘click’ and stood, shoving the device back in her pocket.
“Ye-yeah?” Her voice wavered on the response and she shook herself hard.
“O?” Thank God, it was Clarke. “Hey Raven said you disappeared in there like… ten minutes ago are you okay? Are you sick?”
She pulled the door open and yanked Clarke inside.
She stumbled on her way in, all hazy eyes and hazy feet and wide smiles, and fell back against the door. It closed heavily and Clarke blinked her bleary eyes and squinted at Octavia against the harsh light of the room.
Octavia opened her mouth to say something, when Clarke cut her off with a smile and a laugh. “You bring me in here to try and seduce me? Sorry to burst your bubble babe, but Lexa is like… right outside.”
Octavia’s mouth snapped shut, before, quietly, “Oh Lexa’s – Lexa’s outside?”
Clarke nodded, smiling dumbly. “Yeah she was worried about you too.” Clarke bit her lip and her brow furrowed. “Are you sick? Did you drink that much?”
“Oh no I… no I didn’t really drink that much, just —”
“Because I did,” Clarke took a wobbly step forwards and put both of her hands on Octavia’s shoulders, squeezing tightly, “I think that I am very drunk right now, but it’s sort of hard to tell.”
Her words died in her throat, replaced with sudden and abrupt concern. Octavia frowned. “Are you good, Clarke? Do you wanna leave?”
Clarke shook her head violently. “I do not want to leave, no, no Lexa is here and she’ll keep me safe.”
Octavia bit her lip, unsure. “You don’t even really know her, Clarke, we should just…”
“No, you don’t get it O, I think I’m in love with her.”
Octavia laughed at the absurdity of such a statement. “Cool your jets, Princess, it’s only been a month.”
Clarke shook her head harder. “No, it’s… I don’t know Octavia I can’t explain it to you because I know you haven’t met…” Clarke trailed off and Octavia gulped, suddenly feeling guilty and insecure, “I just know her, O. I know her like I haven’t ever known anyone before and she’s just… she’s so amazing and beautiful and she smells so good like can you even believe it? Can you even believe how good she smells?”
Clarke slumped forwards then, and Octavia wasn’t weak by any stretch of the imagination but Clarke was 135 pounds of deadweight, and she fell onto Octavia ungracefully, and Octavia grunted and (barely) caught her and stumbled, just slightly, hip thudding into the cold metal sink.
“Okay I think you’ve had enough to drink.” She twisted so that she was supporting Clarke under her arm and they could walk side-by-side. “Let’s get you some bread and water.”
Clarke hummed in agreement and Octavia opened the door to be met, suddenly, with Lexa’s concerned grimace and worried eyes that were bright and shockingly clear and something, something that wasn’t red but that wasn’t nothing and Octavia stopped abruptly.
Clarke careened forwards and Lexa caught her effortlessly. “Are you okay, Clarke?” Lexa asked, face serious, and Clarke just smiled and burrowed her face into Lexa’s neck (and Lexa flushed and glanced at Octavia – maybe for reaction or permission or maybe looking for judgment – but Octavia only smiled).
“Clarke’s never been the best at holding her liquor,” Octavia explained. “Feed her something and keep her from drinking any more tonight and she’ll sober up pretty quickly. Anymore and she’ll be in black-out territory.”
“I don’t want to keep her here if she is unwell,” Lexa glanced down at Clarke, leaning against her, before her concerned gaze was back to Octavia. “If you need to leave –”
Octavia shook her head. “It’s your party, and Clarke is fine, honestly. She just gets hit hard and fast but she’ll be okay soon. Trust me, if she was honestly sick or in trouble we’d be out of here so fast you wouldn’t even see the door closing behind us.”
Lexa smiled (not fully, not completely, not without worry, but definitely relieved, at least in part) and said, “Thank you, Octavia.”
Octavia shrugged. “Yeah no problem. Happy birthday, by the way.”
Lexa nodded her thanks and led Clarke away, a gentle hand on her upper arm guiding the two of them through the living room and into the empty kitchen.
Octavia sighed and leaned against the wall adjacent to the bathroom, trying to slow her breathing down and yet still feeling remarkably off-kilter.
She blinked when a shadow fell across her face, blocking the low lighting from the main room from reaching her. She squinted up at the looming figure in front of her, shoulders tense, when he stepped to the side and she could finally make out his face.
He was smiling sheepishly at her, his skin dark but warm, comforting, the color of the wooden floor in the apartment, maybe, but not quite.
Her eyes met his with mild interest.
“Hi, I’m Lincoln.” He stuck his hand out and she shook it, curious but not threatened (also that was the third hand she had shaken tonight and she was starting to feel like a goddamn politician and she was not really enjoying it). He was large, and clearly very strong, and Octavia could see the smallest edge of a dark tattoo peeking out from under his collar, but nothing about him screamed ‘predator’ at her and so she didn’t immediately move away like she might usually have done. “You’re Octavia, right?” She nodded, and when he registered the confusion on her face he hastened, “Lexa told me that you’re Clarke’s roommate.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Lincoln.” She said, smiling at him not unkindly, but she still didn’t really understand why he was here.
Her eyes glanced behind him, scanning the room for… for who? Clarke and Lexa? Raven?
“You don’t have to worry about your friend,” he offered, and her eyes shot back to his. He was still smiling. “Lexa is a good person; she wouldn’t dream of taking advantage. All she wants to do is help people. She’s going to start law school next year.”
Octavia smiled at him and said (trying to keep the edge out of her voice), “I’m relieved that you have so much faith in her but, no offense, I don’t know you either, so forgive me if I don’t totally trust your endorsement.”
Lincoln smiled but raised his hands in concession. “Fine by me. But she really is a good person — all the way to her core. She’s got a good heart.”
Octavia eyed him more closely. “And you? Do you have a good heart?”
“I like to think so,” he said quietly, and took a step forward into her personal space. He opened his mouth, as if to say something more, when Raven came into view right next to his left shoulder.
Octavia jumped to speak with her. “Hey Raven, where are you going?”
Raven turned and cocked her head. “Octavia?” She asked.
“Yeah, it’s me and Lincoln.”
“Hello Raven,” Lincoln said, looking directly at her, body angled fully in her direction and smile on his face.
Raven smirked. “I was wondering why you disappeared on me, Octavia. Now that I know…” Octavia felt the hot, flushed, panicky need to clarify, to tell Raven that no, this was not what she thought it was, but Raven continued before she could get a word in, laughing as she said, “carry on; I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“You didn’t interrupt anything.” Octavia was quick to interject (and was it just her imagination or did Lincoln look a little… disappointed?). “Are you… going to bed?” Octavia glanced down the dark hallway, trying to discern what was back there, hidden from her view, but —
“Yeah I don’t actually like parties that much. You’re all lovely, but I’m getting a headache, so I’m turning in for the night.”
“Oh, okay cool.” Octavia half-muttered.
“Do you need anything, Raven?”
Raven’s smile was a little tight when she directed it in Lincoln’s direction. “Thanks, no, I’m okay. Just need some sleep.”
She went to move down the hall again when Octavia cleared her throat and reached out a hand (to stop Raven, to halt her movement, to ask, Will I see you again or maybe, Can I see you again or maybe, So you know this whole soulmate business? Crazy but… I think I’m yours). Her fingers wrapped themselves loosely around Raven’s upper arm.
The girl jumped visibly and flinched forcibly away from the contact. She slammed her shoulder into the wall with a loud ‘thunk’ that had her careening and groaning in pain.
Octavia’s stomach sank. “Oh fuck, Raven I’m so sorry I didn’t —”
Raven waved her off and straightened her body, rubbing at the sore spot on her left scapula. “Don’t… it’s… it’s fine, Octavia, you didn’t know.”
“No but I am really sorry —”
“You can stop apologizing; it isn’t important.” But it seemed important, because Raven was wobbly on her feet and she braced a hand on the wall next to her as she made her way to her room and she was grimacing and wholly avoiding further conversation and Octavia’s heart sunk below her feet.
She had already fucked it up. She had known her soulmate less than an hour, and she had already fucked it up. God wasn’t that just fucking poetic? Exactly how her life would play out.
“She’ll be fine in a few minutes,” Lincoln’s soft voice said from next to her, and Octavia turned her attention back to him. He explained, “Raven doesn’t like being touched without warning or her express permission.”
Octavia grimaced. “I should have known that.”
Lincoln shrugged. “You couldn’t have known; you’ve never known a blind person before.”
“But that seems so… I should have known that. She’s going to hate me.”
Lincoln smiled at her kindly. “If Raven hated every person who touched her without her permission she wouldn’t talk to anybody. Seriously, don’t worry about it so much. She’ll be just —”
Octavia shot him a look that shut him up instantly. “Shouldn’t she be the one to tell me that I shouldn’t worry about it? Who are you to speak for her?”
Lincoln blinked and his smile dropped. He looked significantly less certain now, brow furrowed and nervously picking at the fingers of his right hand. It was almost comical, seeing someone so large and objectively imposing get intimidated by someone like her. “I’m… I’m sorry. I was just trying to —”
“I appreciate it, Lincoln, but I definitely fucked up just now, and you telling me not to worry about it isn’t exactly going to make me feel better.”
“Octavia I just —”
She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “Look dude, it’s cool, or whatever. I’ll just…” She glanced behind her to the door through which Raven had disappeared. Some part of her – small but powerful – longed to go back there, to knock on her door and… and what? Check on her? Apologize again? What good could that possibly do?
A much larger part of herself was starting to feel dizzy from alcohol and colors and noise and worry and that part – vocal and getting louder – just longed to go home and sleep.
“I should find Clarke,” she said in explanation, trying to swiftly end her conversation with Lincoln now rather than later.
“Oh, okay, cool.” He seemed… disappointed? More disappointed than he probably should have been; they had only been talking for a few minutes and they hadn’t exactly had a fantastic first impression on each other. For the second time tonight he seemed inappropriately (or just confusingly) disappointed about… what? “Um… do you maybe… do you want to get coffee sometime, or something?” He asked her, small and hopeful smile tugging at one side of his mouth.
That was surprising. Octavia blinked for a few long seconds and glanced around uncomfortably. “Oh, I… um…” She stuttered before she fell silent, obviously and tactlessly evading the question. Lincoln’s shoulders slumped, and she hastened to say, “No you’re a really nice guy Lincoln, it’s just… I’m not really looking for a relationship, right now.”
His face was understanding – disappointed, but understanding. Maybe too understanding? There was an expression in his eyes that Octavia couldn’t identify – sadness, longing, resignation? (But why would he be feeling any of those things? They had just met.) She blinked and it was gone, his face returned to that of the sheepish, good-natured, rejected man.
“Yeah,” he nodded, “I get it. Well I hope to see you around sometime, maybe?”
She smiled at him and nodded, and truthfully believed what she was agreeing to. He seemed nice enough, and she probably would see a lot more of him, given that he was (seemingly) pretty good friends with both Lexa and Raven.
And she knew she would be seeing more of Lexa, given the way she and Clarke were currently sprinting their way into a serious and full-blown soulmate relationship.
And she had to see more of Raven. She just had to.
But why did she need to see more of Raven? Because Raven was her soulmate? The thought gave Octavia pause. She knew that she should get to know Raven because they were soulmates and clearly… clearly that meant something, didn’t it? That was… that was important; that couldn’t just be ignored. Raven was her soulmate they should at least… they should talk and get to know each other.
But was that why she wanted to see more of Raven? Was it just because they were soulmates, just because… just because Octavia looked at her and her entire world exploded into color and light and meaning in a way it never had before? Was that a good enough reason to want to get to know anyone? Could she… could she continue to see and talk to and be around Raven knowing this… knowing this huge and life-changing thing and just not say anything about it?
Did she want to get to know Raven because she had to, or because she wanted to? Was it because the universe told her that Raven was someone who was supposed to be in her life? Because some higher power – some deity maybe, or maybe just pure biology – decided that Raven was Octavia’s… something? Were they even soulmates? What if… what if it was a fluke? Those had happened before; it wasn’t like it was unheard of. Platonic soulmates, someone whose soulmate was soulmates with someone else, someone who you had no romantic feelings for but who God or the universe or biology or some fucking supreme being decided that, just for kicks, would be “yours” for… forever? For never? Who made these rules?
Did she want to get to know Raven because God told her to, because the universe clicked, because the cones in her eyes started firing for the first time in 20 years and society had decided that that meant that this person… that Raven was her soulmate?
Or did she want to get to know Raven because she was beautiful, because she was smart and funny and cracked jokes as easily as breathing, because she navigated her apartment without sight better than Octavia had thought possible, because she believed in love – standard, old-fashioned, true love that didn’t require colors or destiny or vision?
Her head spun and she felt dizzy and sick and flushed and confused and angry and guilty.
Raven’s opinion on soulmates suddenly felt a whole lot more reasonable.
How was Octavia supposed to understand what she was feeling when everything outside of her control – God or the universe or her own stupid brain – was screaming at her, “This is the way you’re supposed to be feeling!” How was that fair? How was that right?
How was she going to figure this out?