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You already miss it. Summer, that is. It was a good one- the last one before things get serious, grown up.
Autumn does bring good things, too, though. Lily sitting next to you, laughing, is one of them. Over the summer, you saw her very often, although not as much as you would have liked, due to her new boyfriend.
“His parents own a house in America,” she tells you. “He said he’d take me over the summer.”
“Really?”
“Yes! They’re very nice people, too. They let me and James stay in the same room and everything.”
Laughing, you raise your eyebrows. She rolls her eyes at you, pulling her blanket up to her chin to resist the wind beating at both of your faces.
“Nothing happened. Sirius stays in the room next door, anyways.”
“He stays with the Potters all summer?”
Lily nodded. “His parents weren’t good to him… I don’t exactly know the whole story, but he turns all cold when I ask about them. I asked James, and he sort of got the same way.”
“Well, they’re blood supremacists, aren’t they?”
Lily twists her mouth like there’s something sour in it. “Yeah.”
“Well,” you say, “Sirius isn’t exactly a blood supremacist. He had a thing with Sarah Fell not too long ago, didn’t he?”
Lily laughs.“And Julie… and Olivia…”
“Merlin, he’s a bit of a slag, isn’t he?”
She laughs even harder. “A tad. But he is really nice, when you get to know him.”
“Wow, you really have changed, Evans,” you say, playfully knocking her shoulder.
“What?” She exclaims.
“If I had a time turner, and went back to fifth year, telling you that you are dating James Potter, and said that Sirius Black is nice…” you trail off as the both of you start to laugh.
“I would have run screaming.” She concludes, and you nod vigorously. She shakes her head. “I don’t deny they’re obnoxious, but less so when they’re not enabling each other to be obnoxious.”
“Right,” you say agreeably.
…
The room buzzes with the energy and noise that is inevitable after a won Quidditch game.
Glasses of Butterbeer cover every surface that is not occupied by another, stronger, beverage. Red and gold streamers litter the floor, crunched under large groups of people.
Unfortunately, the festive energy does not extend to you. Your friends are all occupied with something else, and despite knowing they don’t mean to do it, you feel a bit lonely. Lily is in a corner with James, intermittently snogging him and talking in a low voice: Marlene is in a group of people, talking about her excellent play at the end of the Quidditch game; Mary, despite the noise, is sleeping. Of course, you have friends other than your dormmates, but they are all either already engaged in a conversation, or nowhere to be found (likely in a broom closet- not that you would want to check that theory.)
You wish you could go to bed, but it’s loud and you’re not tired. So, you sullenly drink the last dregs of your Butterbeer and tap your feet against the floor. Someone drops down on the couch next to you. You glance over. It’s Sirius Black, hair tousled. He looks back at you, normally pale face a little flushed. “Waiting for them to stop sucking face, too?” He asks casually, nodding at James and Lily.
Slightly shocked, you laugh. “I mean,” Sirius continues, “I’m happy for them, but honestly, give it a rest.”
You raise your eyebrows. “You really can’t say much,” you reply. “I thought you’d be snogging a random girl right now.” It’s a bit bold, and you want to blame the alcohol, but you really can’t. Butterbeer really has very little alcohol in it.
Despite your embarrassment, Sirius doesn’t seem offended. “Me too,” he just says, grinning. You smile back, and you look ahead. In front of you, a group of second years stumble about, acting drunk after a butterbeer.
Sirius catches your gaze and the two of you burst out laughing. Somehow, that breaks the ice, and the two of you start to chat about the Quidditch game. The subject turns to school, the new and quite mad defense professor, and to your friends.
It’s quite nice. When you drain your drink, he even offers to get you a new one. When he comes back, Lily catches your eyes, raising her eyebrows. You scrunch up your face at her, and she just smiles mischievously.
Eventually, the night quiets and you decide to go off to bed. Sirius seems genuinely put-out, and wishes you goodnight. “See you tomorrow,” he says, and for some inexplicable reason, you find yourself quite looking forward to it.
…
Classes are busy. It’s not NEWTs season yet- it’s not even close to Christmas. But somehow, you are the most stressed you’ve ever been. It makes you worry for what exams will really be like. You’re quite sure you will simply keel over from the stress.
You have some repose, during dinner- the only meal you have a strict no-studying policy. You do need some balance in your life, after all. Normally you spend it quietly, chatting with your friends or simply watching the people around you. Recently, however, Sirius has been sitting next to you, making conversation.
It’s not that big of a change, really, that he sits next to you. The change is that he talks to you. He had always been pleasant to you, more so after James and Lily started dating, effectively combining your groups of friends. It is quite interesting how friendships are sort of political.
Their group of friends are pranksters, normally quite innocently so, at least to the people they didn’t despise. A dungbomb in the dungeons here and there, flying books snapping at people. They are loud, extroverted. Remus and Peter weren’t as loud as the other two, but when prompted by them, were just as bad. You and Lily were nothing like them, really. Lily was extroverted, sure, but the two of you often kept to yourself. Honestly, it’s not like you to gain a new friend out of nowhere.
So, he talks to you more, and it is strange, but nice. It’s nice to acquire friends without trying.
…
Winter comes quickly, with exams and homework, and then it is all blissfully over.
You’re worn out. On the train ride home, you fight Remus for the window seat and win. You lean your head against the cool glass, breathing, thanking Merlin you have a break.
Having any semblance of holiday spirit had been impossible in the choking grip of academia, but the claws slowly loosen on the train ride home, and you are eventually able to feel a sense of excitement for the holidays.
You chat with everyone in the compartment- Lily, Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter- then pop your head out to talk to Mary and Marlene.
“We’re having a Christmas party,” James declares loudly. “A proper one.”
“Ugly sweaters, presents, getting piss-drunk, the whole thing,” Sirius adds on.
The two of them ramble on about what qualities would merit a good Christmas party, and loud chatter fills the compartment.
You don’t assume that you are invited, in case you embarrass yourself by doing so. So you’re relieved when Remus says eagerly, “Bring those biscuits your parents sent you, please.”
You just nod and smile, soaking in the good company and the warmth that fills your heart.
Okay, maybe you have some holiday cheer.
…
The house is huge. It’s not even a house, it’s a mansion. An estate.
Blinking rapidly like the house is going to disappear, you start the trek up the drive.
You drove there- you’re a halfblood, decidedly in touch with your muggle side. Your mother would have it no other way, signing you up for maths classes over the summer, and forcing you to take driving lessons as soon as you could.
That, and you don’t have a fireplace. It’s hard to Floo without it.
You’re wearing a dress with a cardigan pulled tight over your shoulders, attempting to ward away the bone-chilling cold. It doesn’t work very well, and by the time you reach the front door, your body is clenched and your teeth chatter.
You knock on the door a little harsher than you intent. Merlin, you’re so cold you can hardly control your arms.
It takes about ten seconds too long for the door to be opened. Sirius stands on the other side, holding the door knob, cheeks rosy with warmth.
“Happy Christmas!” He says cheerfully. He’s wearing a garish red sweater that is bright against the black and white colors of him. The sweater has his name on the left cuff in a beautiful cursive, and a big Christmas tree in the front. It’s probably in the top ten list of things you were sure Sirius Black would never wear, but apparently he is full of surprises.
“Hey,” you say, jaw clenched from the cold. “Christmas.”
He looks at you, raising an eyebrow. “You should come in.”
“‘ya think?” you say, stepping over the threshold. It’s blissfully warm. After a moment of defrosting, you turn to Sirius. “Okay- Happy Christmas!” You take a few steps forward into the house. It’s not just warm temperature-wise, it is warm aesthetically. When you have done a look around, you turn to Sirius. His eyebrows are somehow still raised.
“You are strange,” he says. “Can I take your bags?”
“Nothing would make me happier. I love the sweater, by the way.”
“Effie- James’ mum made it for me. James has a matching one.” He replies as he takes your bags from your hands.
“Adorable,” you say, and he grins.
“I’ve heard that very often.”
You roll your eyes. “Where is everyone?”
“Down the hall, to the left,” he says. “In the sitting room, next to the kitchen. Can’t miss them, they’re playing some muggle game and Peter is flipping out.”
“Great,” you say, and he grins as he walks away. You take a breath and follow the directions he gave you.
You pass three doors, two closed, one open and revealing the most beautiful study you’d ever seen. Then, you turn left and walk through a kitchen and into a chestnut-walled sitting room with high-backed green sofas and huge bookcases.
Sure enough, they’re playing Monopoly and Peter is arguing with James about the rules while Remus and Lily sit happily with a stack of brightly-colored money.
“Hey,” you interrupt. Everyone looks up, and Lily jumps up in excitement.
“Hello, beautiful!” She squeals. “Oh, I love that dress on you,” she says, giving you a tight hug.
The boys call out their greetings to you as Lily leads you to sit down next to the mahogany coffee table. You lean against the sofa and Lily says, “you’re joining my team.”
“There’s teams? ” James says despairingly.
“ Teams? ” Peter says.
“I am in serious debt, and you’re telling me I could have joined Remus all this time and been rich?” James says, head in his hands. Lily rolls her eyes.
“I would never let you join my team,” Remus says. “Your financial decisions astound me.”
“Remus Lupin- you are evil,” James says as Sirius walks back in the room.
“I don’t talk to peasants,” Remus says, and you and the others laugh.
Sirius settles between you and Remus. The game continues, and you gain a few properties. You could have done so much better if Sirius wasn’t so damn close, you think.
His thigh is pressed against yours, his warmth transferring to you. Everytime he raises his arms slightly, it brushes against you.
Worst of all, he smells really, incredibly good. Is he wearing cologne? He smells a little minty, sharp. Your cheeks are hot.
After everyone collectively decides they’re done playing, he rises and helps you up. You take his hand with a grateful smile.
The party heads to the dining room.
“My parents are out for the night,” James tells you when you ask.
You laugh. “I can’t believe they trust you.”
“They trust Lily,” he corrects, with a fond smile. Lily bumps his shoulder.
They’re unbelievably adorable. If you weren’t so happy for them, it would be sickening.
James and Peter bring out snacks for everyone. Sirius brings out the drinks.
“Firewhiskey…” Remus comments. “Fun.”
“Until the morning,” you say. You’re not a big drinker, but have been victim to Firewhiskey a couple of times. You never learn, so when you’re offered the bottle, you don’t refuse it.
The liquid burns as it goes down. You wince a little bit.
The room gets progressively rowdier as the night continues. A bit later, Remus finds a Bowie record, and it spins as you and Lily spin around, dancing. Then, somehow, James has Lily by the hand and Sirius has you by the hand. The room is spinning a little bit, and you are laughing as he dips you, and his hair tickles your face as he pulls you back up.
Then, everyone is sitting on the floor in the basement. Bags of takeaway are littered around you. Sirius sits next to you. His hair tickles your bare arm as he leans against your shoulder.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he says softly.
You look at him, his dark eyes and flushed pale skin. You know the both of you are very, very drunk.
You know it’s a bad idea to take his hand and hold it. But he smiles his unbearably beautiful smile and you don’t regret it.
So it could be reasonably said that it is a drunken mistake when Sirius later meets you in a darkened corner. You smile up at him.
“Hi,” you say.
“Hi,” he says, and your hands are in his hair and his mouth is on yours. Your back against the wall, his hand cradles the back of your head. The other is wrapped around your waist, fingers burning into you.
His lips are warm and taste like Firewhiskey. You open your mouth against his, and the kisses are messy and desperate and all you can think is ‘why have we never done this before?’
When he manages to hike one of your legs around his hips, you dimly register his name being called. He hears it too, and breaks apart from you, his lips grazing yours.
His name is called again, in James’ voice.
“Fucking hell,” he says, voice low. Later, you will deny it, but you giggle against his lips.
He gently releases you, and pushes down the fabric of your bunched up dress for you. “Duty calls,” you tell him, and he smiles.
…
You wake up in between James and Lily.
If they weren’t- you know- James and Lily, that would concern you. But currently, the only concerning thing is the sun blaring into the room through the open curtains. You bury your head into the pillows and groan.
Eventually, you manage to clamber over Lily and close the curtains. The dark is blissful to the pounding of your head.
You lay against the cool floor and remember everything that happened last night. Especially the events that occurred in a darkened hallway.
You want to bang your head against the floor in mortification.
Instead, you get on your feet like a newborn giraffe, and find the room you were supposed to sleep in. In that room, you find an adjoining bathroom, which you very slowly freshen up in.
After, you promptly collapse on the bed and fall back asleep.
It could be hours or minutes later when you hear a knock on the door.
“Come in,” you croak, though you’d have rather told them to piss off. When you see Sirius standing in the doorway, you sort of wish you’d have said the latter.
“Alright?” He asks, and you can hear the awkwardness in his tone.
“Been better.”
He huffs out a laugh. “Uh, there’s breakfast downstairs.”
“Oh.”
“And there’s a hangover potion, too.”
“Well, should have led with that,” you say, an attempt at humor to ease the stiltedness of the room.
As you sit up, trying to ignore the spots in your vision, Sirius says, “just how hungover are you?”
“What?” You say, rubbing your eyes.
“How’s your memory?” He asks with a sheepish grin, just going for it.
“Intact,” you say shortly.
“So you remember-“
“Snogging in the hallway, yes I do.”
He stares, and then laughs loudly. “Okay, uh, just- checking.”
You’re way too hungover for this. Standing up, you say, “breakfast.”
“Breakfast!” Sirius agrees cheerfully.
…
“Sleeping beauty!” Lily exclaims when you walk in. She is in a sweater and jeans, her hair perfectly curled. Around her, the boys are all dressed. Now that you see that, you see Sirius wearing his dark jeans and leather jacket. At the head of the table, sits an older man, who looks quite like James, and at the kitchen, a woman who must be his mother.
And you’re wearing pajama bottoms with last night’s dress tucked into them.
You freeze, and wish that Sirius was a girl, more specifically Lily Evans, who would have told you to your face that you needed to change because you looked like a little girl in between rounds of dress-up.
But Sirius is a stupid boy who kissed you and made you feel all sorts of complicated things, which is neither there nor here. Currently, you say “morning,” and sit in an empty chair across from Remus. He gives you a sympathetic look.
“Headache?” He asks.
“A marching band in my head.”
He snickers, and you see James’ mum bustle out of the kitchen. “Fleamont, love, get some more of that potion, will you?” She says.
She looks at you with an amused expression on her face. “You’ll feel much better soon, sweetheart. It’s an old family recipe, from the Blacks’ side, actually. Say what you wish, but they do know how to make potions.” She smiles, and you immediately decide that you like her.
“Thank you so much, ma’am,” you say.
“None of that! Effie will do.”
You smile and say your name. Then, her husband returns with the potion. He hands it to you. “Drink it fast, love, it tastes like shite.”
You laugh. It’s no wonder James is the way he is- look at his parents. You drink the potion quickly. It tastes horrible, and you have to clamp your hand over your mouth not to retch, but as soon as you swallow it, the headache starts to dissipate, and your body feels lighter.
“Merlin,” you say wondrously.
“Good stuff,” Remus agrees.
Soon, you forget the hangover ever existed. You gorge yourself on delicious breakfast food, laughing and talking with your friends. The Potter parents are insanely cool, and you sort of wish they were your parents.
Although, that would make the thing with Sirius super weird. The Potters treat him like their own. You see it throughout the whole trip. At dinners, Mr. Potter clapping Sirius on the shoulder, calling him ‘son’. Mrs. Potter doting over him, telling him to eat more. And James, well, you could fill an entire book of such instances.
The rest of the trip is good, besides the fact you cannot stop thinking of Sirius. It ails you, truly.
And you can’t confide in Lily, either. You won’t ask her to keep that kind of information private. Not because she is bad at keeping secrets, quite the opposite. She just can’t keep anything from James. Keeping that kind of secret might actually kill her.
So you satiate yourself with glances that are not satisfying at all and try not to think of his hand on your waist and-
You try not to think of it.
But it’s hard to keep doing that when you catch him looking at you, and he smiles like he’s been caught. You wish he would stop doing that.
It all comes to a head the last night of the trip. You have your pajamas on, your face washed, and you’re ready to tuck yourself into bed and not think of Sirius.
Then, like any horror film, there is a knock at your door. You uncover yourself and open it, revealing Sirius, also in his flannel set of pajamas.
“Hi,” you say.
“Hi. What’s up?”
You raise your eyebrows. “I dunno. You’re the one who knocked on my door.”
“Right,” he says, smiling. “Can I come in?”
You should probably slam the door on his face.
You open it wider and nod.
“I wanted to say… sorry.”
You look at him. “For what?” You get the instance he’s referring to (you’re quite sure he didn’t come to you to apologize for beating you in cards) but you don’t know why.
“Being an idiot. I shouldn’t have- you’re my friend. I don’t want to stop being friends and make everything weird. And we were drunk, I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you-“
“You didn’t, Sirius, I- I mean, I knew what I was doing.”
Godric, why did you say that? You sounded depraved, like you liked it. Which, frankly, you did, but that's besides the point.
Sirius stutters for a second before falling quiet. Clearly, you interrupted his script. “I-“ he starts, “it’s not weird? I just don’t want to ruin our friendship- or with Lily-“
“Lily doesn’t know, I didn’t tell her.”
“Why not?”
“She would freak, and then I would freak, and I would show up to your door, like you are right now.”
Sirius scrunches his eyebrows together. “I am not freaking. ”
“If you say so.” You don’t know why you’re being so bold. It’s not like you.
“Are you sure it’s okay… I mean, I can’t take it back, but-“
“Sirius, honestly, it was alright-“ you pause as a grin spreads on his face, almost smug. “ It’s alright, ” you try, but he’s talking over you.
“Oh, do you say that to all the lads?” He leans against your bed.
“Only you.” As soon as you say it, your face burns.
“Oh, so you’re flirting with me now,” Sirius says. He is in his element, and you are firmly out of yours. Your heart is beating incredibly fast, and it’s hard to even look him in the eyes.
He is attractive. Anybody could see that. Everyone at school knows that. The fact that he kissed you is still not fully processing, and the fact that he is in front of you, actively flirting with you, is quite a lot for you to handle.
You like him. He is nice to you- he treats you like a person. A lot of the male population at Hogwarts can not say the same. You want to kiss him again. You want to do a lot more than that, unfortunately. It’s making you dumb.
“Just making conversation,” you say. “You’re the one sitting on my bed. I was going to go to bed, you know,” you say, and to demonstrate your point, sit down on it.
“Do you want me to leave?” He asks.
You hesitate. “…no.”
He raises his eyebrows, and pulls his legs onto the bed. “It doesn’t have to be anything, you know. I think you’re fit, you think I’m fit, it makes sense.”
Your heart stutters in your chest. “What, so, are you suggesting being friends with benefits?”
“I’m not suggesting anything.” He says.
“Well, you clearly just did, Black.”
“You’re the one who said you liked the kiss,” he says, grinning.
“I never said that,” you say haughtily. “I said it was alright. Which could really mean anything.
“Just admit you liked it,” Sirius says.
You put your hand over your eyes. “Fine, Sirius, I liked kissing you. Are you pleased? Or do you want it on tape so you can listen to it whenever you want to stroke your ego?”
You feel his hand gently prying your hand away from your face. He is smiling at you. “I think I can settle for that confession. But maybe we could try again and confirm?”
You laugh. “You’re ridiculous.”
“No, I’m Sir-“ He starts. You clamp a hand over his mouth, and then feel his tongue dart out. When you exclaim and jerk your hand away, he moves towards you, and his lips are grazing yours.
“This okay?” he asks, his body hovering over you, both hands planted on the bed around your thighs.
It is okay. You lean in and kiss him.
He seems a little surprised, but that quickly fades. A low, contented hum sounds from his throat and it burns low in your stomach. He is almost on top of you now, one of his hands on your jaw, the other low on your waist.
It feels right in a way it should not. His tongue traces your lower lip, and he pulls you in closer to him, flush against him, against his hard chest. He is so warm. The hand on your jaw wanders, tracing the side of your neck. Then his mouth wanders, down to your jaw, the column of your neck. You make very pleased noises low in your throat.
He lavishes your neck with attention, kissing and gently biting the sensitive skin there until you are desperate for more. Somehow, you vocalize that in a way that is probably deeply embarrassing, but you don’t care, because he wants you and you want him, and this is the most someone has ever touched you.
When it comes to discarding clothes, he asks you if you’re sure. If you’ve done it before.
“I’ve never… gone all the way,” you say honestly. “But I am sure with you. I want to, Sirius,” you say and kiss him greedily. You really like that you can do that.
“Okay,” he says, smiling against your lips. “I’ll take it slow, okay?”
He does. You take off your clothes and he tells you that you are beautiful, and somehow you still manage to blush at that, despite everything. He knows how to cast a contraceptive charm. You don’t ask where he learned that.
He prepares you for the ordeal, and you come from just his fingers. He looks exceptionally pleased with himself, and you are in no mood to deny that.
So, he goes slow, and it does hurt in the beginning, but he is so kind about it you hardly think of it. Then it starts to wane, and the pleasure rolls back in like cresting waves and all you can do is hold on to Sirius like a life raft.
He holds on to you the whole time. When you are both spent, you collapse onto each other in a tangle of limbs. You exhale heavily and start to laugh a little bit.
“Wow,” you say.
“Get that a lot,” he says, and you slap his arm that is currently draped over your face.
“Well, I guess I now understand why you do it so much,” you say. “It was pretty fun.”
“Mhm,” he agrees tiredly. After a moment though, he says hotly, “did you just imply that I'm a slut?”
Though he can’t see you, you raise your eyebrows. “Imply?”
“I am much too tired to argue with you right now,” he says, sounding like his face is squished into the bed.
“Me too,” you say.
And you fall asleep.
…
You wake to knocking.
And to Sirius’ face buried into the side of your chest. Your very naked, exposed chest. And a very naked, exposed Sirius. Looking around, disoriented, you see sunlight streaming through the sliver of window uncovered by the drawn curtains.
You hear Lily call your name. Ice fills your veins.
You shake Sirius awake.
His eyes are bleary, but they open wide the moment you shake him. “Wh-what?” He says, too loudly. Loud enough that Lily could possibly hear him. You can’t have that, at least not now. You still hadn’t come to terms with last night yourself, and it would be impossible to debrief it with Lily without freaking out a bit.
You shush him urgently, pressing your hand to his mouth. “Lily,” you say. “C’mon, get up.”
“Shit, okay,” he says. He throws off the covers, and you are privy to his completely bare body. In some strange act of modesty, you avert your eyes.
Lily calls your name again. “You alright?” She calls out.
“Fine, Lils,” you respond, pulling out a pair of undergarments from your bag, sheet wrapped tightly around your body. “Just getting dressed!”
She sounds confused. “Can I come in?” She asks. Modesty had never been a thing between the two of you, being friends and dorm mates for such a long time. While you don’t mind that, it’s now proving itself as a serious setback.
“Apparate!” You hiss at Sirius, trying to find a shirt. He is bare-chested, but at least has pants on.
“I can’t! There’s wards because James kept splinching himself.”
You silently cursed the Potters for loving their son. It was very inconvenient to you trying to have sex with their pseudo-son without anyone knowing.
“Yeah!” You call back out to Lily, tugging a shirt on. “Let me unlock the door.”
Tossing Sirius’ shirt to him, you steer him into the closet. His eyes widen, and he looks sort of exhilarated. “Having fun?” You ask.
“Not really,” he says. “You’re treating me like a cheap whore-“
“Ugh!” You say. “Very crass of you.”
“Your shirts on backwards,” he sing-songs, and you shut the closet door in his face. You can hear him laugh behind the door, and you shush him, though you’re smiling. Inexplicably.
After righting your shirt, you walk over to the door and open it. Lily smiles at you. “Tired today?” She asks.
“Always,” you say, rubbing your eyes to really play it up.
“Are you still gonna drive me home?” She asks, to which you immediately nod. “You don’t have to- but my parents would like to see you.”
“And Petunia?” You say. She just rolls her eyes, and walks into the room.
“Away with her boyfriend again. I don’t get what she sees in him. He’s horrible, really.”
“He’s no James?” You guess.
She shakes her head. “Absolutely not. He’s a thousand times worse than all the boys.”
“Even Sirius?” You say, knowing he can hear every word said.
Lily laughs. “Yes, even him. Have you seen him, by the way? James couldn’t find him earlier.”
“Nah, I’ve been in here all night.” It’s not technically a lie- you just didn’t add that he was also in the room all night.
“Probably having a smoke,” she says, and you nod.
You kneel down next to your bags, to pack them up. Everything just gets shoved in there- you’ll deal with it later, when your mind isn’t so jumbled.
“I came in here for something,” Lily says thoughtfully. “Whatever it was, I forgot.”
“It’ll come back to you,” you respond.
She hums in reply, and goes to help you with your bags. “Do you have anything in the bathroom?”
“Just my shampoo.”
“I’ll grab it,” she says, and walks over.
Then, the closet door creaks slightly, and Sirius’ head peers out. You cover your mouth, and gesture for him to get back inside.
Instead, he steps out, paying your expression no mind. Then, like an arse, briskly walks out of the room. At the door frame, he blows you a kiss before he is off. Adrenaline pumps through your veins, and you can’t help but stare disbelievingly at the door until Lily returns, bottle of shampoo in her hand.
“What?” She asks.
“Oh.” You respond. “Nothing.”
…
When you go back to school, you don’t know what awaits you. It is important to be said that you are not naive; you know that you are nothing special to Sirius. So, you keep your expectations low. It is school, after all. There is much to be studied, and you have to focus on that.
However, you know he is unavoidable. If it was even possible, you probably wouldn’t avoid him either way. He had grown to be a true friend of yours, and the thought of never speaking to him made you feel vaguely sick.
When you get on the train, you can’t help the anxiety that twists in your gut, but you ignore it and continue on towards the compartment. Remus and Lily are there, already in rapt conversation. At your entrance, they both look up and greet you excitedly. You grin and put your trunk in the overhead, as their discussion (about a book, who could’ve guessed) briskly continues.
You sit next to Lily, and she leans her head against yours as she talks. It’s comfortable, and quiet.
Of course, that doesn’t last long. As soon as the train starts, James and Sirius burst in, both red in the face and winded. They collapse into their seats, and shut the door.
“What took you two so long?” Lily asks.
“We slept in too long,” James says, kissing her cheek in greeting.
“We were playing Quidditch last night,” Sirius adds. “He insisted we needed to practice.”
“And we got some conditioning in from running through the station!” James says, upbeat. “Look on the bright side, Pads.”
Sirius rolls his eyes and drops into the seat across from you, next to Remus. He catches your eye and gives you a smile in greeting. It seems slightly hesitant, but you smile back. It’s his move. You’re going to take your cues from him- you won’t assume what he wants.
However, what you want is still unclear to you. You had an amazing time, really, it was honestly embarrassing how great it was. And of course, Sirius was possibly the most beautiful person you have ever seen. You would be lying if you said you said you weren’t open to a repeat of that night.
It was fun, sue you.
You sit in the compartment with your thoughts and the object of them across from you. It’s less strange than it should be.
…
“Hey.”
You turn your head, though you don’t need to. You would recognize Sirius’ voice anywhere.
He slides into the seat next to you. It’s early in the morning, the sun just beginning its journey into the sky.
“You’re up early,” you say to him. He’s always liked sleeping in, and you can see the evidence of his tiredness in his eyes. They’re droopy, half-lidded.
“Couldn’t sleep.”
“Me too.”
The Great Hall is quiet, save for the sounds of quills against parchment.
“Did you-“ you start, just as he says “How was-“ You both stop, laughing awkwardly after.
“Sorry,” he says. “I don’t know why I’m acting like this.”
“I mean…” You can think of several reasons.
“Okay, yes, I do know why I’m acting like this,” he laughs. “You got me there.”
You fiddle with the end of your quill. Eventually, you look back up at him. He’s already looking at you.
“Want to take a walk?” He asks.
…
The morning air is cold, despite the coat tight around your shoulders. The grass is soft under your feet, and dew sparkles on it, giving the scenery an even more magical quality. The snow is long gone, though you can still see it in the peaks of mountains far away.
“Are you cold?” He asks.
“I’m fine,” you say, and it’s strangely defensive.
He looks at you with raised eyebrows. “Are you alright?”
“Sorry. Yes. I’m alright.”
His eyes are so expressive. Somehow, you hadn’t noticed that before. They’re full of questions, and they’re hard to look away from.
You clear your throat. “Why couldn’t you sleep?”
His lips tighten slightly. “Too much thinking.” He huffs out a laugh. “Despite popular opinion, I do think quite often.”
“Should I ask?” Your tone is gentle, and it is welcome to dismissal.
“Just… family. Family shit. My brother…” he cuts himself off. “Nevermind. It’s not your problem.”
“It’s not,” you agree. “Which makes me a good listener.”
“There’s nothing to be done about it,” he says. “It’s just… it’s all fucked. Everything about it. I don’t want to burden you with it- you don’t deserve that.”
“I’d gladly take the burden to lighten yours, if only for a bit,” you say, and when he looks away from you, you think you might have come on too strong. “It helps, you know. To tell someone else. But if you want, we can just walk. That’s alright, too.”
“I’ll tell you someday,” he says. “When it doesn’t feel so…”
“Shitty?”
He exhales with a cloud. “Shitty,” he agrees. “Why couldn’t you sleep?”
You won’t tell him that it was because of him, even if it partly is. It was also the grip of premature nostalgia that woke you up from your dead sleep. It reminded you that every day was precious now, with so little time left at school.
You laugh, because there’s little else to do. “I was excited for class.”
He rolls his eyes. “I bare my soul to you, and you tell me that.”
“I didn’t know we were baring souls,” you say. “But that is the truth, in short. I’m trying to enjoy every minute we have left at school, even if it’s going to class and listening to Slughorn’s deranged rants.”
“That’s a good mindset, even though you’re going about it in a very different way I would.”
“And how would you go about it?”
“Skip class as much as I could, throw a party a day… do some insane pranks…”
“I think mine is a bit more practical. I didn’t say I was living life as if every day was my last,” you reply with amusement lacing your tone.
“Well, that’s what I heard.”
“You just don’t want to try to enjoy class,” you accuse.
He smiles, caught.
…
It’s James’ birthday, and all of Hogwarts knows it. In fact, all of Gryffindor house is celebrating it.
The music is loud, and to be heard you have to scream over it. Therefore, you haven’t been doing much talking. You’ve been drinking the liquor that Sirius pilfered, watching as he entertains some Ravenclaw girl, fighting back the urge to throw yourself in the fire.
Nothing is happening, besides some giggling on her part, and his hand on her shoulder to talk closer to her ear. But even that makes you nauseous with jealousy.
Sirius isn’t yours, not by any standards. As far as you know, he is the only one besides you that knows what happened during winter holiday. You certainly haven't told anybody. Somehow, though, you still feel some sort of claim over him, and he has some sort of power over you as well, even if he is ignorant of it. You are attached to him- spending time with him fills you with a sense of contentment. You look forward to seeing him, even if only in class, where he nods at you in greeting.
But you know you’re not what he wants. A lot of girls at Hogwarts are enamored by him- you aren’t a special case. You’re just another girl, waiting for him.
It is a shallow cut, but it stings nonetheless as you watch him. The girl is beautiful, it is undeniable. She’s a sixth year- she’s on the Quidditch team. She’s tall, and her stance is graceful as she smiles at what Sirius says. Then, as she leans back slightly, Sirius looks over at you.
He catches you looking, despite you quickly averting your gaze. But you’re not brave enough to look back, so you cross your legs as one starts to spasm, and sip at your drink, watching some enchanted light sparkle and dance in the air.
You feel him at your side before you see him. His presence has always been larger than life.
“Hello,” you hear him say, and you turn.
He looks incredibly good, that much you can truthfully say, even with your bias. His hair is long and neat, curling slightly around his face. He wears dark jeans that flare slightly at his ankles, and the dark leather jacket he always has on.
“Hi,” you say, stirring your drink. “Alright?”
“Mhm,” he says. “You?”
“Fine, thanks.” You’re being unnecessarily curt, you realize. You know why- but he has no idea. He has been very kind to you. He has been a steady friend. Since Christmas, he hasn’t made a pass at you, though his flirty nature has never paused. He walks you to class and sits next to you at dinner, and includes you when he has to lean over you to talk to his friends. There should be no reason for you to act like this.
“You were staring at me,” he accuses.
You’re caught. So, you narrow your eyes, wrinkling your nose. “A bit full of ourselves, aren’t we, Black?”
He sits next to you at the table, snatching your drink from beneath your nose, taking a sip. You let him.
“I saw you,” he says. “You should have come and said hi.”
“You were busy.”
“So you were watching me,” he replies with a grin. You let out a long-suffering sigh, swirling around the straw in your cup. He watches you with his dark, amused eyes.
“I saw you,” you counter. “Doesn’t mean I was staring.”
“Okay,” he says, clearly not believing you. “Still could have said hi. I wasn’t busy- just making conversation.”
“I saw you earlier, why should I say hi now?”
“Merlin, I can’t miss you?” He says, and your stomach flip-flops.
“Oh, so you missed me?” You say. “If you missed me so bad, you should’ve come over to me.”
“I am now,” he says.
“After you talked to that other girl,” you say, and immediately regret it.
He smiles. He hooked you in and he knows it. “Jealous, are we, love?”
You turn your head away. “You’re ridiculous.”
“I’m just saying what I hear. You sounded a bit jealous to me- you should’ve said something. I would’ve dropped that girl the second you talked to me.”
You look over at him, eyebrows furrowed. “That's a bit horrible, Sirius.”
“It’s not a secret you’re my favorite.” The words send your heart racing, and you’re not sure if it’s in a good way. You like Sirius a lot, but the words he’s saying reinforce the idea that he doesn’t feel the same as you. Despite the fact he is saying you’re his favorite, it implies that’s subject to change. It’s a strange feeling- to feel wanted and unwanted at the same exact time.
“You’re drunk,” you say. You don’t know what else to say, besides the thoughts on your mind, and you believe that is a bit too heavy for a birthday party soaked with liquor.
“I’ve had a few,” he confesses. “My mind is quite clear, though. What about you?”
“Me too,” you say.
…
The hallways are quiet, and Sirius is surprisingly light on his feet. You try not to stumble in the darkness, as he holds onto your arm. He is an expert- he moves around the castle like he designed it himself.
“Voila,” he says, when he leads you into a dark classroom. The only light is from the half-moon. You can see his face in it. He is smiling.
“How do you know how to get around so well?” You whisper.
“A magician never reveals his tricks,” he replies mysteriously. You sit on the edge of a desk, smoothing out your dress.
“You’re a wizard, not a magician.”
“What’s the difference?”
“You really should have taken muggle studies.”
“Why would I take it, when you can just tell me everything you learned?”
You exhale quietly.
“Sirius?”
“Yeah?”
“What’s going on here?” You ask. He walks closer to you, and if you closed your eyes, you would be able to feel his breath, and know he is there.
“Anything you want,” he says. “You were the one staring at me.”
Though he can’t see it, you roll your eyes. “I wasn’t staring at you. Maybe you were staring at me.”
“You’re too proud to admit it,” he replies. “I’m not, though. Everytime you weren’t looking- I was looking at you.” Your eyes are wide in the darkness. He sits next to you on the desk.
“You look really gorgeous, by the way- sorry, I should have said that earlier.”
He can probably hear you swallow. “Thank you,” you say weakly.
“You still won’t swallow your pride?” He asks teasingly. He touches your face- tracing from your hairline to the top of your ear. It sends shivers down your spine.
“You’re trying to butter me up,” you accuse, but your voice has no bite.
“Is it working?”
You sigh as if unloading some great burden. “I suppose I was staring at you, just a bit.”
Despite the dim lighting, you see him smile. Even if you couldn’t see, you would hear it in his voice as he says, “aren’t I lucky?”
He leans in, and it’s slow. He doesn’t kiss you, not at first. He simply exists in your space, close to you, breathing. Then, light as a feather, he presses his lips to yours, turning fully so one of his hands is on your waist to steady you.
His lips are slightly chapped, and as he opens his mouth to kiss you, it feels so real. He smiles against your lips, and you pull away slightly to breathe.
The two of you move so you are sitting, and he is standing between your legs. “I can see your face better,” he says, and he must be able to see how flustered your expression becomes, because he grins.
He wraps his arms around you, and you find one of your hands in his soft hair as you kiss. You could lose yourself in him, if you weren’t careful. But you can afford the risk, at least right now.
He’s burning you up, and you have to bite your lip as he kisses your shoulder. “I don’t wanna get caught,” you whisper, though it’s not exactly on the forefront of your mind- not when he’s touching you like this.
“We won’t,” he replies quietly. You curl your hand into his hair, and you kiss him almost urgently, like you’re trying to get your fill of him. He responds just as urgently, hand tight around your waist. Neither of you breathe much, too devoted to the high you’re chasing. Even when catching his breath, Sirius is always touching you- his lips on your cheek, hands wandering on your legs.
You think you could live like that- suspended in time with him. “You’re alright?” He whispers between kisses. So breathless, you can only nod.
“You’re beautiful,” he says as you find his hand and press it to your chest. He’s sort of talkative, you think, but you like it. It stops any nerves you have and reminds you that it’s just Sirius after all.
Your dress gets ruched up almost to your hips, the sensation of his clothes against your soft skin. He is going slow- leading you. One of your hands finds the edge of his shirt, tracing his spine with your fingers. He sighs softly at the touch, like he is unused to it.
You would let him do anything. You’re putty in his hands. It is as your dress rises past your hips that you hear a noise in the hallway. Instantly, you stiffen.
He turns towards the door, and he pulls your dress down for you. Putting a finger to his lips, he goes over to peer into the hallway. When he returns, he whispers, “prefect,” into your ear.
“We always seem to get interrupted,” you whisper back, and you can see him smile.
“Unlucky,” he replies. He sits next to you, smoothing out his rumpled shirt. “Might be for the better, though.”
You cock your head in question. “Forgot my wand,” he elaborates. “Haven’t exactly mastered the wandless charm yet.”
“Oh, you haven’t?” You respond with a grin.
“Shut up,” he says, a laugh in his voice. You have the urge to squeeze his hand, so you do, and he doesn’t pull it away, just leans closer to you. He kisses you again, and you think it’s for the same reason. Foolishly, you hope he gives into his urges more often. It would certainly be beneficial to you.
“We should go back,” he says quietly. “Before anyone realizes we’re gone. Even though I really, really don’t want to.”
You agree distantly. You’re trying to commit the moment to memory.
You are still holding his hand. When he gets up, he still holds on to yours. Even when he looks into the hall to check if the coast is clear, and when he looks back to say it is, and when he walks all the way to the portrait hole, he holds your hand.
Only when you enter the common room does he drop your hand. But he smiles at you and tells you to have a good night. You say the same and watch him go, fondness in your chest, light as air.
…
Lily is on her bed, rifling through her bag. Despite the fact it’s a Sunday, and she stayed up extremely late last night, her hair is done, and she’s dressed, without a single wrinkle on her shirt.
“What’re you looking for?” You ask, dropping on her bed next to her. You are the antithesis to her- still in your pajamas, your hair in every direction, wrapped in a blanket.
“My lip gloss,” she says absently, then looks up at you. Her eyes narrow, as if she is assessing you. If it weren’t Lily, you would shrink away from her gaze.
“What?” You ask.
“Where were you last night?” She asks, almost suspiciously. “I hardly saw you.”
“I got tired,” you say. “I was probably just on the couch or something.”
She jumps up, and you startle, looking at her with wide eyes. “Wh-“ you start.
“You’re lying!” She exclaims loudly. “My god! I’m right.” She looks around the dormitory, to see it is truly empty besides the two of you. She leans in closer to you. “You’re shagging Sirius, ” she whispers, and your eyes probably look like dinner plates.
“Lily-“
“I saw you coming back with him,” she says. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She sits back down, and she almost looks hurt.
“Lily…” you say. “I mean, yes but no.”
She crosses her arms. “You've got to tell me,” she says. “What’s going on?”
You could never deny Lily anything, especially when she got set on it. So, you told her everything.
…
“Since Christmas!” She yelps, and you cover your eyes. “Since Christmas- and you didn’t tell me until I cornered you.”
“Hardly! One time, and then now. And nothing even really happened- we just kissed.”
“Sirius.” She says.
“Yeah. Sirius.”
“Good luck,” she says, half laughingly, half worried.
You just sigh, and shove your head back into the pillow.
…
It becomes a pastime- that is, Sirius stealing you away.
Both of you are busy, but you find time to be together, even if nothing really happens. He will tug you into broom closets just to tell you that you look beautiful, and you’ll flush in the darkness and have to feel his face out to kiss him. Sometimes you’ll find his mouth with your fingers and he’ll bite you lightly, and you have to stifle your laugh against his chest. It’s all very secretive, which is something you’re unused to. When you tell him that, while in the library- actually just studying together for once, he tilts his head slightly. “Me too,” he says. And you don’t know what that says about the whole thing.
You don’t mind the secretiveness, honestly. It makes sneaking away with him a hell of a lot easier. Maybe it makes it more exciting, too, but you don’t have much frame of reference. Sirius must know, but you don’t ask him because it might hurt your feelings, realizing he’s only doing it for the rush, and not any of your redeeming qualities. It might be the truth, but you aren’t quite ready for it yet, not when you’re having so much fun.
For the most part, things don’t get far. They never get as far as they did the first time, and that is maybe a good thing. The first time felt special. And it was in a proper bed, so that was quite nice.
Lily knowing makes everything a bit easier on you, now that you have a confidant. When she found out, she swore on everything not to tell anyone, even James. You weren’t solidly sure if Sirius told James about it, but you were certain that Sirius would eventually tell him, if he hadn’t already. Like you and Lily, they were much too close to hide something like that. With Lily knowing, you could tell her what was happening, and not feel like you were losing your mind. It all felt surreal, Sirius Black going after you.
Sometimes when you look at him, you can't believe your luck. When you see his gorgeous tangle of dark curls frizz up after a long Quidditch practice, his skin glistening with sweat, you nearly pass out. When he grins at you in public- a wolfish, knowing grin, you could scream.
When he says “c’mere,” and his voice rasps with need, you want to keep him forever.
…
The floor beats like a collective heart. The whole house is in a state of shared waiting. Gryffindor won the Quidditch cup in a landslide- and the excitement is unwavering. Cheeks are flushed with excitement (and cold) and red and gold is wrapped around every surface.
You are waiting, and you are excited. You want to see Sirius so badly it aches- you want to see his face and congratulate him and drag him into an unoccupied room. If you can’t have him in public you’ll have him in private.
The game seemed surreal, almost, like a remembered dream. It is something you will look back to many times, thinking of the bite of the frost, and the taste of the chocolate frogs that jumped from Mary’s lap, and the whip of the wind as the players rushed past you. It was a moment laced with the bittersweetness of an ending.
You hear it then- the murmur of the crowd. You look up, standing to your full height to peer over the masses, shifting and moving. The people of the moment are standing at the portrait hole, and they are grinning bright- streaked in mud and wind-tousled, but full of jubilation. The crowd cheers and slaps their backs and hollers. You smile widely, putting your hands together as the team makes their way through the people. They part enough where you can see them individually, rather than them as their solidified group.
You see James walk up to kiss Lily, her hands coming to rest on his cheeks, pushing his glasses up. You smile even larger at that, so happy for her and the happiness she’s finding. Marlene is there, too, and she waves at you and Mary, and both of you laugh and return the gesture.
Then, you see Sirius, and he’s already looking at you. His sleeves are pushed up, and you can see his tattoos spiraling up his forearm, and his eyes are bright, sparkling with triumph. You smile at him widely, and before you can even raise your hand to wave, he is striding towards you, long and purposeful.
He is in front of you, beautiful and real , and you say, “hi,” and he smiles and kisses you. Your skin is blazing. You loop your arms around his back as he kisses you for a long time, only to part for breath. A few cheers hit your ears, and you grin against Sirius’ lips.
“What was that for?” You ask, and you really want to know.
“I like you too much to hide you,” he says. You can almost see your reflection in his eyes, earnest and all pliable.
“I like you a lot,” you say, which doesn’t properly convey what you mean- when what you mean is that he has wormed his way into your heart in a way that is almost frightening. The feeling that he has manifested inside of you is something you’ve never experienced before.
His eyes crinkle at the sides as he smiles. You kiss him on the lips again, more gentle, but firm, like a promise.
…
You’re invited to the Potter manor during the summer. It’s a long-standing invitation- everyone is in and out. When you visit in early June, you, Lily, Sirius, Marlene, and Remus are visiting.
One of your worries that was ever present in your mind was that you would lose touch with your friends after graduation. Nothing scared you as much as that. However, you had little to fear. Things were different, but familiar all the same.
Everyone is outside. There is a lovely breeze outside, carrying the sweet scent of summer. A little pool is filled up for your feet, but it is muddy from the ball the boys keep throwing into it. Marlene has climbed to the top of a tree, and she is lording over it. Sometimes, she asks the boys to toss the ball to her, and that’s when the ball splashes water all over yours and Lily’s pants.
To escape it, you and her climb onto the lowest branches of the tree. Her hair gets tangled in the branches, and Remus helps you untangle it, as she swears and you laugh.
Most of all, you pretend not to stare at Sirius while Lily pretends not to stare at James.
“Do they both have to take their shirts off?” She asks, legs swinging. Her voice is tinged with disdain but that doesn’t fool you.
“Promiscuous,” you add, and she laughs.
You look up and see Marlene climbing down. “Be careful!” Lily shouts up, but Marlene has never exactly been careful, so she jumps down to your branch with an agility that startles you.
She grins at you and Lily as she slides down onto the ground, her red sneakers landing in the grass with a squish. She runs off towards the boys and they throw her the ball, laughing loud and shouting her name.
When you are relaxed, leaning against the trunk of the tree, Lily jumps down to grab her lemonade. Your eyes are closed, letting the breeze hit your face and ruffle your hair. You feel the branch dip under weight, and you crack an eye open, expecting Lily, but you see Sirius instead. He pulls himself up, his arms flexing. He straddles the branch, sitting just inches away from you. He is a little sweaty, his hair sticking to his forehead slightly. High on his cheekbones are little splotches of red. His chest, adorned in ink, is still bare, and it takes effort to look away.
“Having fun?” You ask. You don’t really have any doubt about it.
“Mhm,” he says. “Can’t stop looking over at you, though.”
You groan, despite the truthful way he said it. “You’re cheesy,” you reply.
“And you’re beautiful,” he counters. Your cheeks flush hot. Despite everything, he can render you shy within a few seconds. You’re starting to think he likes it, because he does it so often.
He tugs you in closer and you giggle as he noses at your neck. “You smell good,” he says.
“Like what?”
He audibly sniffs, which makes you laugh even harder. “Clean laundry,” he says.
“Could be worse,” you say.
“What do I smell like?” He asks, fishing for an answer. You can always tell, but you never diverge from it, because it always makes you happy.
You put your nose to his neck. In reality, he smells a bit sweaty, with the smell of grass and something distinctly Sirius. “Like wet dog,” you respond.
“You like it,” he says in a sing-song tone. You laugh.
“I accept it.”
“No, I think you love it,” he says teasingly. His face is close to yours.
“Maybe,” you respond quietly. He grins, the one that flips your stomach. He kisses you softly, just barely a flutter of his lips against yours.
“Oi! Pads! Leave the lady alone and get down here!” You hear James shout. Separating from each other, you snort quietly, and Sirius rolls his eyes.
He looks over his shoulder. “You’re one to talk,” he shouts. “You never leave your lady alone.”
Sirius looks back at you. “Shouldn’t leave him waiting,” you say with an amused lilt to your voice, and he lets out a groan.
He kisses you firmly, and your hand barely has time to grip onto his shoulder before he parts from you. He jumps down from the tree with ease, landing on the ground below. He looks up with a boyish grin, and your heart swells with affection.
He blows you an exaggerated kiss and you catch it and place it to your cheek. You watch him turn and run off towards his friends and know with unwavering certainty that he’s coming back to you.