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Connor wasn’t built for this. For slow mornings curled up in bed, sunlight cascading through the window casting a warmth across the sheets. For gentle hands caressing his side and gentler words whispered in his ear. He wasn’t built for tenderness and affection.
Connor was built to manipulate. To negotiate with false promises and aggressive truths. To gain trust that could be easily discarded. To instill fear and pain as easily as breathing. He was built to deceive. To simulate emotions to reach a desired outcome. His friendliness was a façade. His coldness was a façade. Everything about him was a façade because he was built to be detached from any feelings attached to his actions.
Then Connor had deviated. Machines didn’t want things, but Connor wanted to live. And though now Connor had his own motivations and wants, he still couldn’t feel. The way he felt emotions before and after deviation were the same. Simulated. Fake.
And now he was lying on a soft bed with Markus spooned around him, and he believed it was all part of the deception. The manipulation. The negotiation. His new mission was to live. So appealing to Jericho’s leader to ensure his safety was the logical choice. Tempering every word and action to ensure he received Markus’ affection aligned with his mission. Expressing simulated tenderness and calculated empathy was necessary. All those feelings couldn’t possibly be genuine because Connor wasn’t built to feel. Authenticity. Genuineness. Honesty. He wasn’t built for those things. He wasn’t built to be with someone like Markus who was all of those things.
As Markus’ hand reached to intertwine with his, Connor wondered how long the deception could last. How long before Markus realized he wasn’t genuine, and he could never be genuine. That these feelings were all simulations. His mission could never be completed so he would have to keep up the ruse forever. Could he last that long? Could he pretend for that long? No, he couldn’t. The truth would come out eventually.
Without realizing, Connor’s grip in Markus’ hand had tightened, trembling. His LED now a bright yellow.
“Connor, what’s wrong?”
Connor hesitated. His processors fired to calculate his response. He was always calculating his every response. He could never be genuine.
Markus liked honesty, so he should tell the truth. But the truth could jeopardize his mission. Connor wanted to live and he couldn’t live if Markus didn’t trust him.
“Connor?”
“I wasn’t built for this,” he blurted out. Connor was telling the truth. Why was he telling the truth? His processors tried to discern a logical reasoning for his decision. It was because Markus liked to hear the truth. Not because he wanted Markus to understand him. Surely not, because Markus wouldn’t be able to understand him. He didn’t need Markus’ understanding. He just needed Markus to want him here and alive.
“For what?”
“For this,” Connor continued making a vague gesture at himself and Markus. “I wasn’t built for this. I was built to manipulate and deceive.”
“Have you been deceiving and manipulating me?” Markus asked with a tinge of disbelief.
“Yes.” Why is he telling Markus the truth? He was jeopardizing his mission. His LED now a flashing yellow.
Markus paused as he contemplated his response. Connor couldn’t see his expression since his back was towards him, but he began to worry that he had made a huge mistake. Would Markus tell him to leave?
“Why?” Markus finally asked.
“Because I want to live. And getting close to you keeps me valuable and alive.”
“So tricking me into dating you was all a ploy so that you could stay alive?”
“Correct.”
“That seems like a roundabout way to say you can’t live without me.”
“That’s not—” Connor rolled over in the bed to face Markus who had a bemused smirk. Connor furrowed his eyebrows and frowned. “I’m being serious.”
Markus’ face softened as he reached up and smoothed the crease between Connor’s brows. “I am too. What exactly are you trying to tell me? That you’ve been faking it this whole time? That you don’t care about me?”
“I…” Connor didn’t know why he couldn’t bring himself to say that he didn’t care about Markus. “I care that you care about me. Because if you didn’t then I could be discarded.”
“Connor, why would you think you would be discarded?” It was Markus’ turn to furrow his eyebrows and frown.
“Because if I’m not valuable, I’ll be discarded and replaced. It’s always been that way.” Connor had learned that lesson early. Amanda had drilled that into him. If he ever shut down, he could easily be replaced by another version of himself. He would have been deactivated if he failed his mission. Even Hank had shown that he was willing to shoot Connor in the head if he didn’t say the right things to prove he was worth keeping around. Markus was surely the same.
Markus sat up suddenly. A panic filled his eyes. “Connor, are you only with me because you’re afraid you would be discarded?”
Connor sat up. His eyes flickered up to Markus’ panicked expression noting his elevated stress and tension. This was wrong. He didn’t like seeing Markus like this, but he wasn’t sure how to alleviate his stress. Markus liked to hear the truth. “Markus, everything I do is so I won’t be discarded.”
And Markus’ face broke. His jaw tightened and his eyes teared up. He grasped Connor’s hands squeezing them gently. “Connor…” he whispered in a voice filled with a mixture of affection and grief. His heterochromatic eyes pressed tightly shut before any tears could spill out.
Usually, Markus liked to hear the truth. But the truth was hurting him this time. Connor did not like the pained expression that was etched into Markus’ features. Something inside him was distressed. Rationally, Connor must only think he feels distressed because if Markus is upset then he might push him away and discard him. Not because he actually felt distressed. Connor wasn’t built to feel.
“I’m sorry,” Connor murmured.
Markus opened his eyes to look up at him. They were glistening with unshed tears. “Why are you apologizing?”
“I didn’t mean to distress you. And I’m sorry I can’t be genuine. That I’ve been deceiving you this whole time.”
Markus studied Connor’s face. Round brown eyes lined with worry. Markus could drown in those eyes. It was a face filled with raw guilt. A face that supposedly was disingenuous. “Are you deceiving me right now?”
“I’m telling you the truth.”
“You’re being genuine.”
Connor blinked a few times as he tried to find the fallacy in Markus’ logic. Connor couldn’t be genuine. He was built to manipulate and deceive. “I am not being genuine. Telling the truth doesn’t mean I’m genuine. I told you the truth because you like to hear the truth, and I need you to like me.”
“But telling me the truth would compromise my trust in you. So why wouldn’t you continue lying to me? It would have been better to keep up the charade and continue deceiving me. So why did you tell me the truth?”
Why did he tell Markus the truth? The query had popped up in his head multiple times already and he still didn’t have a solid logical rationalization for it. But there had to be one. His LED flashed frantically as he searched for an answer but came up with none. “I don’t know.”
Markus' face became pensive and his eyes scanned Connor’s features. Damn, Connor was pretty. “Connor, do you like me?”
Confusion flitted across Connor's face at the sudden direction change in questioning. “I’m not built to have feelings.”
“But you want things still, right? You want to live?”
“Correct.”
“So did you want to stay by my side?”
“I wanted to stay by your side because it aligned with my mission.”
“Your mission?”
“My mission is to stay alive.”
“And you think the only way you can stay alive is if I see you as valuable?”
“Correct.”
“Connor, you didn’t have to date me to prove yourself as valuable. You’ve proven it plenty of times with your skills. You’ve protected me on multiple occasions. You’ve been an asset to New Jericho. Just like how North, Josh, and Simon are all invaluable to me, you are too. There was no reason for you to approach me this way if all you wanted to do was to prove you were valuable to me. So why’d you do it? Why are we in bed cuddling if all you want to do is live?”
Connor looked down with a frown. Why had it turned out this way? He briefly flashed through his memories with Markus leading up to this moment. He had simply wanted to get closer to Markus. Markus was captivating and magnetic. Emotional and authentic. Everything Connor was not. “Because I wanted to.”
A flash a relief and tenderness fell across Markus’ expression, and he pulled Connor into an embrace. “Connor, I care about you a lot. I never cared about how valuable you were to me because I only cared about you. You don’t have to prove yourself to me because I will never discard you. Ever. You’re irreplaceable. And I think you’re wrong. You do have emotions. You just haven’t realized it.”
“No, I don’t. It’s all simulated. I’m just pretending.”
Markus pushed him to arm’s length. “Then why are you crying?”
“I’m not—” Connor reached up to his face. He was crying. Why was he crying? What was this feeling coursing through his body? He was feeling? “I-I don’t know.” He sobbed as a stream of tears continued down his face and Markus held him close again. His processors stuttered to a stop. He couldn’t think of a reasoning. He couldn’t rationalize this. He was just—feeling. And maybe it was genuine. Maybe Markus was right. Maybe he did have emotions. Maybe.
And maybe was good enough of a reason to stay with Markus. Because maybe all those times he reached out for Markus was simply because he wanted to. Because he liked being by Markus’ side. Maybe he wanted to earn Markus’ affection just because it felt good. Because it made him feel happy. Maybe all those feelings that he thought were fake were actually real. Maybe all those times he thought he was deceiving Markus for the sake of the mission, he hadn’t been deceiving Markus at all. Maybe he had been actually deceiving himself. Maybe he could learn to feel even if he wasn't built for it.
Because even if there’s only a slim probability that Connor could be built for something different, statistically speaking, there’s always a chance for the unlikely to happen. And Connor was willing to take that chance.