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Dull sunlight streamed into the bedroom, hardly warming the chill of the air. It was serene, peaceful aside from the soft snores breaking up the silence. There was no rush to wake up, to prepare for errands or oversee some meeting. Instead, there was a lump still bundled under the mass of Caitlyn’s sheets. Vi spread out on the mattress, as she always did when Caitlyn woke up before her. Satin pillowcases pressed lines against the warmth of her cheek, her hair sprawled haphazardly across the material, body cocooned in cotton. Even in her subconscious, she valued these moments– living rather than surviving, warm and content, still satisfied by last night’s meal.
She tried to cling onto the last dregs of sleep, eyes squeezing closed as she grumbled into the sheets. Her fingers stretched to the other side of the mattress, now cold with Caitlyn’s absence. Her eyes fluttered open, blurry with sleep, and a frown threatened to tug down her lips– a trivial frustration that was interrupted by a dull ache in her lower stomach. She swallowed thickly, a grimace scrunched her face and bared her teeth. Sweat dampened hands gripped the sheets under her as she tried to force herself up, halted by the dull ache pressing against her hips and spine.
“Good morning, Darling,” she heard Caitlyn coo sweetly, penetrating her panic and soothing her pulse. She looked up to see her girlfriend walking into the bedroom with a smile, dressed in a silky purple robe, a cup of tea in her hand swirling herbal steam into the air.
“Morning,” Vi grumbled, taking in the sight to distract herself. She watched as Caitlyn’s smile faltered, her eyebrows pinched as she studied Vi.
“Is everything alright?” She asked, taking slow steps to the bed. “You look—“ she began, raising a hand to press against Vi’s forehead. Quickly, Vi pulled back, shaking her head and rejecting the touch with a dry laugh.
“I’m…” she began, voice still raspy from sleep as she pushed herself up the rest of the way. The color drained from her face, jaw stiffening as she shifted the sheets off of her body, staring at the crimson against the stark white sheets.
“Cait,” she whispered, voice low and rough. Her ribcage felt too tight against her lungs, breaths struggling to decide whether they were moving in or out. “I’m sorry. Fuck, I’m…I’m so sorry.”
“Vi,” Caitlyn replied gently, cupping her cheek and turning her head to face her. “It’s okay. Are you okay?” She asked. Vi closed her eyes, trying to avoid Caitlyn’s gaze all together as she winced at the pain in her stomach. It was nothing, really– it shouldn’t be. She had withstood much worse than cramps and muted nausea, but her chest still restricted her breaths, heart pounding too loud in her ears to understand the words shifting Caitlyn’s lips.
“Come,” Caitlyn whispered into the pause Vi’s silence had left, taking Vi’s clammy hand into hers. “I’ll draw you a bath, okay?” She asked, lips pressing against Vi’s skin briefly before she disappeared into the bathroom attached to the room. She scavenged the cabinets, pulling out fancy bottles and containers of soaps and scrubs she liked to use after a particularly stressful day.
Vi washed herself off in the shower as Caitlyn swiped a hand through the lavender scented bath, flicking the bubbles off of her hand. There was a silence that Vi couldn’t distinguish as comfortable or not as she sank into the tub, head leaning back against the basin and eyes closing to avoid Caitlyn’s attention.
“How are you feeling?” She heard Caitlyn ask.
“Fine,” Vi replied, still visibly tense. Caitlyn hummed with a nod, shifting the fluffy white bath mat to the end of the tub and kneeling down by the porcelain. She reached out, cautiously dragging her knuckles down the column of Vi’s throat before massaging the firm muscle of her shoulder.
“That feels nice,” she whispered, making Caitlyn smile. Her free hand draped over the edge of the tub for her to rest her chin on as she stared at Vi, the rough way her chest moved when she breathed, the tightness of her jaw.
“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Caitlyn asked, her thumb tracing the curves of black ink etched into Vi’s skin.
“Not since I was a teenager,” she mumbled in response, gaze distant in front of her as her eyebrows pinched together. “I guess there were…more important things for my body to focus on,” she chuckled humorlessly.
Caitlyn let out a silent sigh, sitting up and massaging tentatively across the back of Vi’s neck and she thought of a response. No matter how much time they spent together, no matter how happy and content Vi was now, it would never undue the fact that they are fundamentally different. All Caitlyn wanted to do, until her last breath, was give Vi all of the love and attention she had been robbed of.
“What do you need?” Caitlyn asked, fingers brushing past the long strands of her hair, now damp with bath water.
“I don’t need anything,” Vi replied, breaking her gaze to the wall and lowering it to the suds instead. Caitlyn hummed, nodding slightly. She had expected it, a bit of pushback, stubbornness.
“Well, what do you want?” She asked softly, blunt nails scratching soft circles against Vi’s scalp. Vi paused, finally looking over at Caitlyn with tired, glossy eyes.
“I don’t know,” she whispered with a broken voice, making Caitlyn still momentarily. Her fingers paused against Vi’s skin, lips parted and chest swollen with a breath she couldn't seem to let go of.
“We’ll figure it out then.” Her voice was low, sincere, heavy with promise. Her palm cupped against Vi’s jaw, thumb gingerly passing the tattoo on her cheek as she cleared the roughness from her own throat. Her hand drew away from the woman and Vi chased the remnants of her touch as Caitlyn stood up. “I’ll put new sheets on the bed, I’ll be right back. Try to relax, okay?”
By the time Vi had finished her bath, there were fresh linens on the bed and a second cup of steaming tea on the nightstand. Caitlyn had insisted it would help, though the last thing Vi felt she could do was drink anything that smelled that potent.
“Are you hungry?” Caitlyn asked, watching as Vi sat on the edge of the bed. “I could make you something.”
“You?” Vi chuckled, arching a teasing eyebrow.
“I’m well capable,” she chuckled, an insult prepared on her tongue before she watched Vi’s lips press together stiffly, her posture curved uncomfortably.
“I’m alright,” Vi said with a playful smile that Caitlyn couldn’t help but mirror. She strolled over to the bed with a quiet hum, standing between Vi’s spread thighs and cupping both hands to her cheeks as her smile softened.
“You should eat, Violet,” she whispered.
“I know,” Vi sighed, breaking their eye contact. “I just feel…I’m not hungry.”
“Still,” Caitlyn hummed, lips pressing together thoughtfully. “Soon then?”
“Yeah,” she replied with a shrug. “I mean, maybe. Cait, this isn’t a big deal. I don’t need you to do anything for me, really.”
“I know you don’t need me to, but you can want me to. I want to be here for you,” Caitlyn whispered before pressing a gentle kiss to the crooked bridge of Vi’s nose. Vi swallowed down the lump in her throat, feeling it burn as she tried to speak, avoiding Caitlyn’s eyes as her own misted over.
Caitlyn knew that Vi was perfectly capable of dealing with this, that the physical pain was nothing compared to a day in Stillwater. Caitlyn still felt sick at the thought, her own body tensing with anger until Vi looked at her again.
“Come here,” she said, patting the bed.
“Why?” Vi asked, blinking out of her daze as Caitlyn crawled to the other side of the mattress, sitting up against the pillows.
“Trust me,” she answered softly, interlacing her fingers with Vi’s and gently pulling her over to lay down in her lap, her back pressed against Caitlyn’s chest, choppy strands of magenta nuzzled under Caitlyn’s chin.
Vi let out a deep breath as Caitlyn’s warm hands pulled up the hem of her shirt slightly, her fingers massaging the ache of her lower stomach. Caitlyn smiled, feeling Vi’s shoulders droop against her, smiled seeing her lover so at ease.
Her body was no longer a weapon. No longer built of bruises and battered skin— every scar now healed over, lighter and thinner than before. She was no longer mechanical, forced into being faster, fighting harder, withstanding more grievances than her body could bear.
She was softer, still firm with muscle but fuller, filled out around once sharp definition. Caitlyn kissed the crown of her head and Vi’s hand squeezed gently at Caitlyn’s thigh as a show of love, of gratitude. Her breaths slowed, feeling Caitlyn’s own chest rising and falling against her soothingly as Caitlyn’s hands softened against her skin.
“Vi?” Caitlyn had asked after a moment, just above a whisper. The only response was a quiet snore, tugging up the corners of Caitlyn’s lips as she slid her hands from Vi’s shirt and wrapped them around her instead.
She was safe now.