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Cold air brushed against Gerard's cheek, making his papers curl slightly and giving him a chill up his arms. He heard a door slam and shoes creak across the floor as the cold air continued to lap over him in waves. The room was hazy with the curls of smoke that came from the cigarette between his fingers.
"Frankie?" Gerard looked up from the table to see his boyfriend walking into their kitchen. "Where were you?" He was wearing what he had on earlier, a deep red sweatshirt that Gerard had bought him and a ratty pair of black jeans. His hair was wild and spiked, but Gerard couldn't see if he had been drinking or not. Sometimes it was hard to tell. He got up from where he was sitting, slowly walking towards Frank, who still had not responded but was instead gazing at Gerard with hooded eyes. Gerard came closer, wrapping his hands around Frank's warm neck and tugging lightly on the short hairs on the nape of his neck. He looked up at his boyfriend through his eyelashes and tried to catch his gaze. Instead, Frank let out a soft groan and lifted the cool tip of his fingers to Gerard's chin, tilting his mouth towards his own. Gerard let their lips press together lightly, Frank's lips soft against his slightly chapped ones. Frank pressed in harder, wrapping his arm around Gerard's waist and pulling him in. Gerard tasted it then, the sour taste he knew all too well from his own experiences, coating Frank's soft, pink lips.
He pulled their lips apart, turning his face away from Frank with a frown. "You've been drinking again." He looked back at Frank, now noticing the familiar glaze over his lover's hazel eyes.
"Mhm..." Frank breathed out, pressing his face into Gerard's neck and biting lightly.
Gerard nudged him away with his shoulder. "Frankie, why do you keep coming home like this? I'm worried."
"Don't be worried baby," Frank mumbled, trying to catch Gerard's lips with his own.
Gerard turned his face away again, his frown deepening. He repeated in his head again what Mikey had told him to say, hoping that Frank would listen, would understand. He took a deep breath and then recited what he had been turning over in his head all day, "Frank, I don't like it when you come home like this. I love you and I know this isn't good for you..." He paused, looking up at his sweet boyfriend's face, his hands still around his neck and the cold air still lapping over him. Frank was looking at him with only a hint of comprehension. Gerard swallowed, determined not to give up. "Sometimes you get mean, and I know it's unfair for me to ask you to stop drinking after all I put you through last year... but this is unhealthy and we never get to spend any time together..." His hands stroked Frank's neck, his eyes searching Frank's face for any reaction.
Frank grabbed his jaw lightly, looking into Gerard's eyes with a glazed over look of desire. "Don't worry baby, I love you, you don't need to worry," He slurred, smiling and bringing Gerard's mouth to his again. Gerard wrenched his face away from Frank's, stumbling backwards with a sad expression.
"No, Frankie, I'm sorry I'm not kissing you, not when you're like this." He shook his head sadly. He should have let Mikey stay over to help him with this.
Frank looked at him oddly, his arms still outstretched where they had been around his boyfriend's waist. His eyes looked a bit sad when he realized his arms were no longer around his boyfriend. Gerard almost wanted to believe the sadness in his eyes was deeper, hoped that his boyfriend was upset that he couldn't do what Gerard knew was best for him, but of course that wasn't true. Frank's eyes traveled to Gerard's and suddenly changed to a look of fiery anger, his mouth twisting into a sneer.
"Gerard, why do you always have to be so selfish?" He asked, his eyes shooting daggers and pinning Gerard where he stood shivering against the wall. His tone of voice changed from soft whispers to hard words. "I know you're jealous baby, that you don't get to come out and have a good time, but you don't have to take it out on me." He sauntered towards Gerard, looking at him with the same blazing gaze.
Gerard was afraid of the sudden mood change, they seemed to be happening more and more often and they scared him. Frank had never been one to lose his temper, but when he was drunk the slightest things would set him off.
But Gerard knew how this worked, he knew what Frank was trying to do, trying to pick at each and every scar that covered his heart. Frank knew what his sensitive spots were, knew what comments would sting the most for him, knew everything about Gerard's demons. But Frank only knew these things because Gerard had opened up to him, in late night talks and broken down stories to Frank about the days when he didn't know who he was and the nights when he didn't know where he was. And Frank had always listened quietly, always stroked his hair and promised Gerard that he would always be there, always protect him from himself.
But when Frank was like this, he forgot his promises and only remembered Gerard's confessions. He knew that Gerard was still weak, that he was still trying to rebuild the walls that had been torn down. And Frank knew each and every word that would break down that fragile barrier.
"Sometimes you're so fucking selfish Gerard, it's hard to live with. You don't care about anyone except yourself, don't care about me and won't let me do anything. That's why I don't spend any time with you," He slurred, a smirk prominent on his face.
"Y-you don't mean that Frankie, c'mon, you don't know what you're saying," Gerard said softly, tears starting to form behind his eyes. He hated crying in front of Frank when he was like this, he knew Frank would make fun of him. Nights like this always brought him back to the bullies in his high school days. But in Frank's mind, he thought Gerard looked beautiful with the dim kitchen lights shining off his chubby cheeks and reflecting in his dewy eyes. In his intoxicated mind he felt sick pleasure in pressing harder and harder onto Gerard's wounds until he finally gave in and screamed in agony.
"Fuck you Gerard, I know exactly what I'm saying, I've wanted to say this for so long." He stepped closer to Gerard's cowering figure. "You're always whining about how we never spend any time together anymore, well, why don't you try to think about someone other than yourself? Stop whining and remember that I have needs too." He shuffled closer and closer until he was right up against Gerard, his arms forming a cage around him. "I don't care if you don't like my drinking, I didn't like you drinking and you didn't care," Frank whispered, the darkness of the kitchen making his eyes look hard and emotionless. "It's your fault that I'm drinking anyway, isn't it?" He sneered.
Gerard could feel his throat tighten and the sting of tears behind his eyes as he tried to swallow everything down. He knew this wasn't Frank, this wasn't his Frank and he knew Frank didn't really mean this. He refused to look at his boyfriend who was staring right at him, trying to catch a tear falling down his face.
"O-okay Franki-ie, why don't you go to bed," Gerard mumbled. He turned his face away from Frank's fiery gaze to hide his burning cheeks and wet eyes.
Frank pushed himself away from the wall, stumbling a bit before walking towards the stairs. "Why don't you go fuck yourself, Gerard," He spat, walking up the stairs.
When Gerard was sure he had heard the door close he let himself crack. He let his tears spill out and his mouth open in a silent sob. He knew he had created this Frank, had made him into what he was now. It was all his fault that Frank was like this, he had formed this addiction. And now it wasn't just he who hated himself for it, it was Frank too.
He kept his sobs silent, too afraid to alert Frank and have him come down and see his wet face. And when he finally felt the tears stop he picked himself up and shuffled upstairs to their bedroom. He found Frank asleep with his shoes and clothes still on and the covers pushed to the bottom of the bed. In the moments of sleep his boyfriend's figure lost the meanness it had radiated earlier and instead brought back memories of the same sweet personality Gerard was used to. He crept towards Frank, who was now snoring softy and reached down to take his shoes off and grab the blankets. He threw them over Frank's shoulder, before taking off his own socks and slipping into bed next to Frank.
Turning over to face his lover's peaceful face, he couldn't help but feel a rush of affection in the pit of his stomach. Gerard loved his boyfriend to the ends of the earth, and sadly nothing Frank ever did or said would change that. Gerard was trapped, trapped in an affection so strong he knew he would never be able to leave. He just hoped Frank was stuck in the same trap and not the one that one he had described tonight, the one where Gerard was keeping him trapped. Because if Frank were to ever leave, he knew it would be the last straw before the entire world came crashing down around him. Without Frank there would be no world.
--
The wind was strong as he battled his way up the walkway to their house. The air held the icy feeling that only occurred when snow was on its way, the type of air that nipped at your nose and ran down your neck, chilling your bones. Gerard would be elated when the first flurries fell, Frank could see it now, his cheeks turning up in a smile and his eyes sparkling as he watched the snow coat the ground. Gerard was a little kid in that way, always excited for snow and always wanting to be outside in it. Frank looked up at the dark sky now, hoping to catch a sign of the storm that was on its way, just so he could go in and see Gerard's face light up. But the sky was clear and the stars shone down on him, almost like they were mocking him. No snow tonight.
He kept his head tilted back until his neck started to ache and the stars began to blur in his eyes. If only it would snow, so he could see his boyfriend's sweet face light up the room like it used to. Gerard's face hadn't done that in a while, hadn't smiled, and Frank knew it had something to do with him, but for some reason he just couldn't remember why. He sighed and looked towards the ground, continuing his walk towards their front door.
When he got inside the house was dark, almost pitch black and the kitchen was empty, the only signs of Gerard being his coffee cup and papers spread across the table. He headed towards the stairs, bumping into a chair, which squeaked across the floor, before making it to the staircase and upstairs. The door to their bedroom was closed and the no light leaked out from the cracks. Frank didn't know what time it was, but it must've been late for his almost nocturnal boyfriend to be in bed. Frank felt himself smile at the thought of Gerard, a big, wide grin that probably would have made him look like a fool if someone had seen him.
He pressed the door open slowly, careful not to let the hinges creak. Gerard lay on the bed peacefully sleeping and Frank felt his heart pound at the sight. Gerard was so beautiful, even in his century old sweatpants and greasy hair, Frank couldn't think of a more beautiful sight than this boy. He kicked his shoes off and stumbled into the room, rushing towards the bed and his boyfriend's warm body. Gerard's eyes opened lazily when his boyfriend flopped on the bed and he turned towards Frank.
"Hmm, Hi Gee," He hummed, snuggling into his boyfriends chest.
"Hi Frankie," Gerard mumbled sleepily. Frank's head left his chest and turned towards his cheek, planting sloppy kisses across his face and whispering soft I love you's into his ear. Gerard giggled a bit before his face dropped, catching a whiff of alcohol on Frank's clothes.
"You been drinking Frankie?" He said with a touch of sadness in his voice. Frank looked up at his boyfriend's solemn tone of voice.
"Just a little bit Gee," He said, nuzzling back into the crook of his neck. "But don't worry, baby," he mumbled. "It was just a little bit." Gerard sighed before turning away from Frank, leaving him cold and alone on his side of the bed.
After a moment Gerard's voice came from the side of the bed, "Frankie?"
Frank stared at his boyfriends back, which was outlined by the moonlight that filtered into their room, "Yeah Gee?"
"Do you drink because of me?" Gerard said, his voice cracking. Frank shuffled to Gerard's side, wrapping his arms around his waist and placing his chin on his shoulder.
"No, baby it's not because of you," He whispered into the crook of his neck, his breath sending goosebumps across Gerard's skin.
"Bu-but last night you said it was because of me," Gerard breathed out, his voice sounding close to tears. Frank brought his hands up to Gerard's head, lightly stroking his black hair.
"I don't remember that, baby, I swear I don't." Frank whispered. How could he lie like that to is boyfriend? He would have never said that and he knew it. Gerard sniffled and turned towards Frank. His wet eyes shone in the moonlight and Frank felt his heart shatter. "And if I did, I didn't mean it, I swear I would never mean such a thing," He said, staring straight into his boyfriend's eyes. He pressed his lips to Gerard's for a chaste kiss, hoping it would dry his tears. They broke away and Frank felt his heart leap once again at his boyfriends, soft face and pink lips.
"I love you Gee, I love you so much I promise," He breathed out, pressing his nose to Gerard's. "And if I ever get like that, please remember this moment, and remember that I love you." Frank slurred. He knew he was drunk, but that didn't make his words any less meaningful, he hoped Gerard knew that. Gerard sighed and nodded, ducking his head to Frank's chest.
"Why do you drink Frankie?" Gerard whispered after a moment, his face still pressed into Frank's chest.
Frank looked at their window, at the moonlight that was cutting through the blinds. He didn't know the answer to that, never really thought about it. He looked back down at Gerard, who had wrapped his arms around Frank and was snuggled into his hoodie, breathing softly. The feeling at the pit of his stomach grew and he felt overwhelmed by the affection that rushed over him, almost feeling like he was drowning in it. He loved Gerard and sometimes he couldn't handle it, couldn't handle the feeling that took over his body.
The light was shining off Gerard's hair and blanketing them both in a white glow that contrasted with the dark shadows of the room. Gerard's breathing had become steady and silent as he fell asleep in Frank's arms, not expecting Frank to answer his question.
"Because I love you," Frank whispered into the silence of the night.