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Shin sneered at Saint, barely biting off the usual curt responses to everything Saint has to say these days. It was always the same bullshit lies and Shin was so sick of it.
This time though, it was: “I’m crazy because I love you!”
The silence after Saint’s outburst was heavy.
Eventually Shin found his voice, resetting his glare and lancing his words with venom. “You love me?” Another lie; maybe Saint knew how much that particular line would hurt Shin. He looked away from Saint’s face at the skyline from the roof.
“Yes,” Saint said.
An idea; he could hurt Saint in return. “And you’ll do anything I want, won’t you?”
“Yes,” Saint said earnestly. “Anything,”
Shin stepped closer to him, making it so that Saint would have to look up at him slightly. Shin wasn’t taller, but Saint tended to slump around him these days, making himself small with those puppy eyes.
Shin narrowed his eyes. “Kneel.”
Saint hesitated barely a second before he knelt, desperate as always to cater to Shin. Shin looked down at him and grabbed him roughly by the hair, pulling his head back. There was something about seeing Saint like this—he told himself it felt good because it was humiliating for Saint, but he had a feeling it was for other reasons.
He swallowed thickly. “Suck my dick.”
Any other time, it might have been an angry, dismissive remark, except Saint was on his knees with his head between Shin’s hand and his crotch. Saint looked up at him in confusion, pausing long enough for something to shift in Shin’s resolve. Where had this come from? Maybe Shin was the crazy one. But deep down he knew this wasn’t the first time seeing Saint like this had driven him mad. His imagination had concocted similar scenes to torment him before.
He shut it down with a scoff. “I knew your “anything” didn’t mean anything. It never does.” He roughly released his grip on Saint’s hair, shoving his head away and turning to walk away.
But a hand shot out to stop his movement. Saint was still kneeling, and he pulled Shin back in by the waistband of his pants.
“I didn’t say no,” Saint mumbled as he unbuttoned Shin’s pants, never breaking eye contact. “If you didn’t mean it, tell me now.” Saint’s hands were already making their way into his underwear, and he was frozen. A hundred impossible, conflicting feeling flashed through his head at light speed.
But he still couldn’t quite read Saint, and if this was somehow just a game of chicken, Shin definitely wouldn’t lose. He donned his cocky mask and raised an eyebrow in challenge, saying nothing.
Saint nodded resolutely and looked down at Shin’s crotch in front of him. Sighing, he got back to work. He looked both stumped and relieved that Shin wasn’t hard yet when Saint got his dick out and into his hands, and Shin let himself be a little smug seeing how out of his depth Saint seemed about all this. For once, Saint wasn’t just naturally amazing at something. He struggled to find a good angle to give it a few experimental tugs and Shin ruthlessly spared him no mercy.
“Well?” He yanked on Saint’s hair again, pulling his head back. “I didn’t ask for some shitty hand job.”
Saint huffed out a moan. “You’re not hard yet…”
“Then make me hard. Use your mouth.”
And it wouldn’t take long, Shin knew, even before Saint did as he was told and ducked down to slowly lick his cock. Shin hissed as he got bolder and sucked at the head lightly. Before long, Shin was hard and Saint was boldly taking him deeper. Pleasure warred with guilt as Shin tried to remember his anger. The two opposite emotions kept him in a frustrating state of limbo. Trying to regain control of the situation, he growled, grabbing Saint’s head in both hands and thrusting into his mouth roughly until Saint was coughing and gagging from it. But Saint was no stranger to pain and dutifully took whatever Shin wanted to throw at him, as always, without complaint.
Shin continued to let his anger control him, because otherwise, what was he doing here? This was about getting revenge on Saint, at least in some small way. Shin would humiliate him, on his knees, at Shin’s whim. Shin would fuck his face as hard as he wanted and make it hurt. It wouldn’t even be a fraction of the pain Saint caused him, but he’d do it anyway, and it would feel good. And Saint would kneel in silence and take it.
And Saint did, wincing as he coughed, those puppy eyes shut tight. Shin continued frantically, trying to convince himself that this was good—that this was what he wanted.
But the pleasure was quickly fading away, replaced by bitter frustration. Tears pricked Shin’s eyes as he finally shut down and, with an angry shout, shoved Saint away. He turned and folded, shaking, the tears streaming down his face. Hurting Saint wasn’t the answer for him. It never had been and it never would be, no matter how much he thought he wanted it to be. It was never going to be that easy.
He was crouched down on the floor, lost to his emotions. Minutes passed as he tried to compose himself again, wiping tears with shaking hands. Eventually, Saint appeared in front of him, crouching down and encompassing his entire view. Shin couldn’t even bring himself to be angry—he just felt empty. Saint still stared at him with those soulful eyes, which were now teary as well from Shin’s earlier abuse.
Shin sighed, closing his eyes to the sight. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I…wanted to humiliate you. I shouldn’t have done that to you.”
Shin felt a hand lightly on his chin, tilting his face up, and when he opened his eyes, Saint was smiling sadly at him. “I’m not embarrassed.”
Shin sighed. “Of course not. It didn’t even work.” He would’ve laughed bitterly if he’d been with anyone else. Instead he just pushed Saint’s hand away and started to get up off the floor.
Saint grabbed his wrist to stop him. “That’s not what I meant. I meant, I wasn’t embarrassed to—to do that for you.” He glanced away nervously, his cheeks turning red. “If…if that’s ever something you really want from me, well…I want it too.”
Shin’s heart tripped and skittered, his eyes widening before he caught himself and shuttered it all again. He was at a loss for words, but managed to spit a harsh comeback. “Please. It wasn’t even good. I didn’t even get to come.”
Saint was undeterred as always. “Well, you didn’t let me finish,” he paused, then leaned in close again. “Let me try again?”
Saint crawled forward so that Shin had to lean back on his hands. “At least…let me make you feel good. I will, I promise.”
Saint was inches from Shin’s face. Shin was too stunned to speak, and eventually Saint took courage from his silence to move even closer, eyes dropping to Shin’s mouth. Shin’s hand shot up between them to cover Saint’s mouth in the only clear decision his mind could make at the moment.
“Do not kiss me.”
Saint’s puppy eyes looked at him in confusion until Shin removed his hand, more space between them again.
“Is that a no?” Saint eventually asked.
Shin exhaled shakily, looking at Saint. “No.”
Saint sat back. “Oh.”
Shin reached out, locking a hand around the back of his neck, pulling him back. “No, I didn’t say no.”
He watched Saint’s face as the words registered and his eyes went wide and then black. It went straight to his dick and he shuddered. Saint was also breathing shakily, and he held Shin’s gaze as he reached down to palm at his crotch, groaning when he felt him already hard again.
Saint settled between his legs and soon Shin felt his warm breath on his cock once more. He closed his eyes with a sigh. He couldn’t help but reach for Saint’s hair again, though this time, he had no intentions of hurting him. Deep down, he had never wanted to hurt Saint, not really.
Saint continued where he had left off, with none of the earlier hesitation to slow him down. He had mastered quite a bit of skill in a short amount of time, and despite himself, Shin was impressed. And because Shin couldn’t stop the sounds Saint’s mouth was drawing out of him, he was sure Saint must know just how good he was at this. Shin was just glad Saint wouldn’t brag about it. He’d punch him if he did, anyway.
After the third time Saint had dragged Shin back from the edge, Shin growled in frustration. “Fuck—Stop teasing, Saint.”
Saint pulled off with a wet pop that sounded so obscene it almost brought him right back. He looked back up at Shin. “Sorry. I just want to make this last as long as I can. In case this is all I get.”
Shin wouldn’t admit it—wasn’t ready to yet—but there was no way this would be the last time. He wasn’t that strong; he could already recognize his walls crumbling despite the strength of his grudge. And it wasn’t about lust. Today was just a gateway for them and Shin was still struggling to hold the doors closed against the crashing waves. He already forbade Saint from kissing him, but at this point, it was all he wanted. If Saint kissed him—
But he hadn’t earned that right. He hadn’t made up for the horrible things he had done to Shin.
But it wasn’t fair. At this point, it felt more like torture for him than for Saint.
If Saint kissed him—If Saint kissed him, it would be better; so much better. If Saint kissed him, he would come.
And, fuck it—Shin grabbed Saint’s face and crushed their lips together. If he was going to give in completely, at least let it be his decision.
For a second, Saint was frozen, unsure what was allowed of him and too afraid to break whatever spell this was. But soon Shin was moving against his mouth relentlessly, enough for the both of them, mewling and pulling at his hair. And Saint didn’t have to be told twice. He surged forward, parting Shin’s lips with his tongue and placing a hand on Shin’s neck, somehow both gently and fiercely.
Shin moaned into the kiss, a desperate frenzy, finally pulling apart to catch his breath.
“Touch me—” Shin gasped, grabbing Saint’s hand and dragging it down to where he was still painfully hard. “Fuck,” he breathed, when Saint did just that.
Shin kissed Saint again, blearily desperate, while Saint stroked him off quickly and roughly. It was perfect—all perfect, and before long Shin was coming entirely too soon.
Saint groaned looking at his own hand coated in Shin’s come, and Shin watched in shock and bleary lust as he wrapped the hand around his own erection. The slick sounds and the sight alone were almost enough to make Shin hard again and he cursed under his breath. But it was barely fifteen seconds and Saint also came with a shaky groan.
After a small eternity of catching their breath, eyes locked together, Saint swallowed and hesitantly broke the silence.
“Does this mean…” he let the sentence drop off, too afraid to ask what Shin knew he meant anyway. Does this mean we’re okay? Does this mean we’re friends again? Does this mean you forgive me? Does this mean you won’t push me away anymore?
Does this mean you love me?
Of course. Of course, you idiot—is what Shin wanted to say. He closed his eyes to the sight of Saint’s hopeful puppy eyes.
I never stopped wanting to be friends with you. I forgave you immediately. I never wanted to push you away. I never stopped loving you.
“It means, don’t you ever—and I mean ever—leave me again.”