Chapter Text
Night time in Gotham, and while the city’s denizens sleep the sleep of the just, the arch-criminals are plotting their evil schemes. In Catwoman’s sumptuous boudoir…
“This night has gone purrrrrfectly! Some nice shiny loot, and no Batman to bother me!” Catwoman, dressed in her shiny black catsuit, stretched out over her bed with the brocade cover and began to draw her stolen diamond and pearl necklaces slowly and sensually across her body. “Although I wish he were here so I could trap him and gloat! Or better yet, Batgirl! It’s been too long, my sweet crimefighteress…” She sat up suddenly. “What’s that sound? Someone’s here! I’m warning you, my claws are sharp! Come out and show yours—“
But before she could finish her sentence she disappeared in a puff of red smoke. And in her place, lying on the bed, was a black cat with a gold collar! It begin to wash itself, quite unconcerned with its recent transformation.
Meanwhile, in an defunct whoopee cushion factory, the Clown Prince of Crime celebrates his corrupt capers!
In his purple suit and green hair, Joker was pacing up and down the factory floor, his steps echoing in the empty factory. “Oh what a night! I’ve come up with three evil schemes, started two of them, and robbed a candy store. And no interference from Batman and his brats!” Suddenly he whirled about. “What’s that? Who’s there?” He drew an enormous pistol and fired at the intruder — but there was no bullet, only a flag that said BANG! “Drat. Wrong gun.”
There was a puff of red smoke and The Joker was gone — replaced by a giant joker playing card!
Meanwhile, beneath a giant Sphinx statue....
“Riddle me this! Why is a geometry student like an anarchist country? Because they both need a ruler! Oh I am so clever!” Edward Nygma, aka the Riddler, sat on a throne shaped like a giant question mark, thinking of riddles and crimes. Suddenly he sprang up. “Who — who are you and how did you get in here? No? How is a broken chair like an uninvited dinner guest? Neither one has —" but the Riddler never finished his riddle. In a puff of red smoke he was replaced by a square green box with a black question mark on each side.
Meanwhile, in The Penguin’s Nest, the Waddling Master of Foul Play plans his next scheme to take over Gotham!
“First I shall become the judge of the Miss Gotham beauty contest! I will parlay that into a stint as a casino owner, which will give me the capital to run for Mayor — and, some day, the White House! Wait, what’s that? Who’s there? Oh hello, beautiful! Care for some champagne?”
But he got no kick from champagne. Poof! When the red smoke cleared, Penguin had been replaced by — an actual penguin!
Who has defeated the top criminal minds of Gotham? And can Batman possibly thwart this new threat to law and order?
Roll title sequence!
🎵 NANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANA Batman! 🎵
At stately Wayne manor, Bruce Wayne tutors his youthful ward in the fine art of mathematics!
“Gee, Bruce, when am I going to ever use this? Secant, Cosecant, Tangent — it sounds like a foreign language!”
“It is a language, Dick. The language of the universe, if we but know how to read it. Euclid alone has looked on beauty bare, as the poet Edna St. Vincent Millay put it.”
“Pardon me, Master Bruce, you’re wanted on the telephone. The special line, sir.”
They hurried to the den — Bruce with urgent concern, Dick eager to escape the travails of trigonometry.
“Yes, Commissioner…Where? ….We’ll be there right away!” He hung up. “Robin, there’s a hostage situation at the world-famous restaurant, Tavern on the Gotham Green. I’ll message Batgirl to meet us there. We haven’t a moment to lose!”
“To the bat-poles!”
BATSPIN TO: a fancy restaurant within Gotham’s Central Park.
Four women with guns patrolled between the fancy tables. The guests sat, absolutely still in the dim mood lighting. Suddenly, the main door burst open, and the Terrific Trio made their grand entrance!
“Give up, foul miscreants, and let these citizens eat their lunch in peace!” Robin had been working on his Heroic Pronouncements.
“We give up!” “The guns are fake!” “The hostages are fake!” “Don’t hit us!” The lights came up. Batman, Robin, and Batgirl stood astonished! The “hostages” were all store mannequins, and Cornelia, Pussycat, Chickadee and Moth — associates of Gotham’s arch-criminals — were holding toy rifles!
“Ladies, I presume there’s an explanation for these deceptions.”
Cornelia stepped forward. “Batman, this was the only way we could think of to get a meeting with you. You see, we need your help!”
“Help? What kind of help do four criminals like you need from us?” Robin pounded a fist into the other glove.
“We’re not criminals. We’re molls. And we need you because — because our bosses have gone missing!”
“Missing?” said Batgirl. “You’d better explain.”
Moth said, “Last night all four of them — Riddler, Penguin, Catwoman, and Joker — just disappeared. Whoever took them left these.” On the table next to her were two cages (one for a cat and one for a penguin), a six-foot tall playing card (joker), and a green box with black question marks on it.
Chickadee was nearly crying. “We’re so worried about them! And even though they’re crooks, they’re still people, and we knew you are so upstanding and moral that you wouldn’t turn down a missing persons case, even from your worst enemies!”
Pussycat moved toward Batman and touched his arm. “And you’re so smart, Batman, we knew you could solve the case.”
Batgirl harrumphed. Robin looked slightly envious. Okay maybe not that slightly.
“A curious request, ladies. But you are correct. Even though your bosses are criminal masterminds, they should only be punished by the law.”
“And if someone has removed them, that might mean a new villain might be responsible!”
“Yes, Batgirl. This does merit investigation. Ladies, we will keep you informed. And next time you need us, perhaps you could call Commissioner Gordon instead of taking a room full of dummies hostage?”
BATSPIN TO: The Batcave!
The four clues (cages, card and box) stood on a metal table. “We’ve tried every test the Batcomputer has on these, Batman! They’re all just ordinary. How can we solve a case with no leads?”
“In every crime, Robin, we must follow the principle of cui bono.”
“Who benefits?”
“Correct, Batgirl. I see you haven’t neglected your Latin. Robin, take note. To find the suspect, we must ask who benefits from the crime. Why kidnap criminals?”
“Kidnappers usually want a ransom.”
“And in this case, Robin, there’s been no ransom demand.”
“Perhaps another criminal wants to eliminate the competition.”
“An interesting conjecture, Batgirl. But we’ve seen a decrease in criminal activity since the disappearances, the exact opposite of what we would expect if someone was filling a power vacuum.”
“And why the clues? To whom is our mastermind signalling? Why replace them with these objects and animals? It doesn’t make sense.” Batgirl frowned.
“Holy empty signifiers!”
“You may be onto something, Robin!” Batgirl brightened up. “Not just from a semiotic standpoint. What if these aren’t clues at all? What if — let me see!” She grabbed a set of Alpha Bat tiles and scattered them on the table. Then she opened the cat cage.
“Ok, kitty, kitty, tell us, who are you, really?”
The black cat began to bat at the tiles, pushing them together. C. A. T. W. O. M….
“Batman, Robin, these aren’t clues! The four arch-criminals have been transmogrified!”
There was a huge puff of red smoke, right there in the Batcave! It cleared to reveal a shapely redhead.
“Congratulations! You’ve figured it out!”
While Batman and Batgirl were trying to place the newcomer’s face (was it Vicki? No…) and analyze the situation, Robin preferred to think with his fists. Anyone who made an unexpected visit to the Batcave was clearly an enemy. He charged forward, only slightly hesitant to strike a woman.
“Oh that won’t do!” The mystery woman snapped her fingers and ropes descended from the ceiling and wrapped around Robin’s shoulders, elbows, waist and ankles. In a trice he was hauled aloft, dangling helplessly in the mystical ropes.
“Robin!” Batgirl and Batman charged forward, but the redhead snapped twice. Now all three of them were bound and suspended in mid-air.
“How rude of me not to introduce myself. I’m Ms. Gsptlsnz, but please, call me Gispy, everyone in this dimension does. You may have heard of my husband, Mr. Mxyzptlk? He often visits here from our home in the fifth dimension.”
The Terrific Trio were trying desperately to free themselves, but the ropes held on to them as if they were living things.
“Well, I am bored! My husband makes these regular trips to the third dimension to visit Metropolis and bother that man in the red cape. Just ignoring me! What about my needs? What if I want to have fun?
So, since he’s up there causing who knows what kind of mischief, I came to Gotham to do the same. Only this town has so many colorful people, I’m starting to think that my dear Mxy must have been here before. A crime clown? A riddle-meister? A cat and a penguin? And of course you two bats and a bird. You don’t need me to turn Gotham into a zoo, it already is. Nevertheless I came here to have fun and fun I shall have.”
“Batgirl, Robin,” said Batman in a quiet voice. “Superman has told me about her husband. If she’s anything like him, she’s extremely powerful. We must proceed with caution. Let me do the talking.”
Gispy was still talking and strolling around the Batcave. The black cat hissed at her. “Oh, quiet, you. Since the villains seem to have all the fun around here I thought I’d become one. Actually, four!” She snapped her fingers and her outfit changed into a tuxedo, top hat, monocle and long cigarette holder. “The people of Gotham shall worship me!” She snapped again, and she was dressed in a green latex catsuit covered in black question marks. “Riddle me this! Why is a raven like a writing desk? Because they are nevar spelled backwards!” She snapped again, now in a purple and green satin suit. “Hahahahhahaha!” She snapped again and she was dressed in cat ears and a black catsuit, only her catsuit was shiny latex and had an actual tail. “Oooh, Batman, Batgirl, and Robin, all tied up and helpless! It’s just purrrrrfect!” She looked down at her outfit. “I rather like this one, I think I will keep it on.” It was unclear whether she meant the catsuit or the persona.
“Gispy, you’re obviously powerful and talented,” Batman said. “Why not use those powers for good?”
“For good! Forget it! Good is no fun! To be honest, neither is this. I’m bored again. Well let’s play a little prank.” She snapped her fingers and her suit changed back to green with black question marks. “Why is a noose like a desperate man?”
“Because they’re both at the end of their rope!” Robin blurted out. Batman had said he shouldn’t talk, but he couldn’t resist when he’d figured out the answer to a good riddle.
“Precisely, Boy Wonder! And that’s where the two of you will be!” Gispy snapped her fingers yet again, and the ropes around Batman and Robin seemed to grow and multiply until there was nothing to be seen but two wriggling suspended cocoons of magic living rope. “Now off with you!” Another snap of the fingers and the two rope bundles fell to the floor — they were empty!
“You fiend! What have you done with Batman and Robin?” Batgirl tried to sound tough but it wasn’t easy as she was bound and dangling and at the mercy of this fifth dimensional whatever-she-was.
“Oh, they’ll be fine. I just sent them on a little errand. Although —“ and she snapped herself into the Joker suit — “it may drive them up the wall! Hahahhahaha!” Snap! Back to Catwoman. “But I kept you here so we could play. You see I have Catwoman’s memories as well as her outfit. And there are so many memories of her and you! So many things to try!”
“You — you’re not half the villain that Catwoman is!” I really would prefer a demented Catwoman to this insane, seemingly omnipotent being from another dimension!
“Oh, you’ll find that I can out-Catwoman Catwoman! Now come here…” She gestured and the ropes dropped Batgirl’s lower half, so that she hung like a marionette. Then the living ropes drew her toward the redhead and a shockingly intense kiss….
What terrible trick has this interdimensional imp played on Batman and the Boy Wonder? Will Batgirl be able to resist her redheaded charms? And who will come to Gotham’s rescue from its most powerful villain ever? Tune into tomorrow – same bat time, same bat channel!